"hey, are you the lady that bought the tub?"

"i'm sorry?" i replied.

"the fuckin' hot tub," he growled.

"yes, i do suppose that's me."

"you mcdowell?"

"no, mccord, but mr. mcdowell is probably the one who ordered it."

"well look miss, there ain't no buttermilk lane off the main road to the left."

"you're correct, it turns off to the right."

"well shit, near the river?"

"on it."

"is this mcdowell dyslexic?"

"i don't think so, who is this?"

"lester crabb from hot tub heaven. we're an hour and a half behind schedule now and have another installation, we'll be working in the heat of the day."

"i'm really sorry mr. crabb, but, it's not my fault."

"how far are you from the post office?" he asked.

"four and a half miles. there's a sign."

"ok, we'll be there in ten minutes." i put on a pair of light green shorts and a white tee with my email address on it, in pink, combed my hair and put it up in a pony tail. the coffee was done and i poured a cup as lester crabb and his boys rumbled down my road.

"this is it boys," shouted crabb. "miss mcdowell?"

"mccord, but you're at the right place."

"where you want it?" he asked. lester crabb looked exactly like.....lester crabb. he was middle aged, fat and sloppy; his crew weren't much older than harlen, there were four of them.

"what would be the easiest?" i asked.

"to drive the mutherfucker back to owensboro," he answered. his gang laughed.

"on the deck." i pointed.

"and where the hell is the water source?"

"you can figure that one out, or would you like me to call hot tub heaven?" i responded. crabb backed off. the tub was huge, it would fit my senior class, i laughed at this thought, i always wondered what my senior class would look like naked. tommy martin in particular, and maybe nancy st. clair. i thought about passing the idea on to the people who arrange these five year post grad shindigs, which seem to come along way to fast these days. crabb and the crew laid out a template on my deck.

"cat, do want this in the center or near one end?" lester asked.

"i'd like to be able to sit on my deck sometimes," i asnwered.

"then say, 'to the near end, mr. crabb'."

"up yours mr. crabb," i answered.

"oh, a feisty little split tail," he said.

"look lester, i'm paying your company plenty to get this bastard installed, any more shit out of you or your crew, and you can drive the mutherfucker back to owenboro, where your final paycheck will be waiting."

"yes ma'me," he said. his crew hung their heads. i left and went back to the kitchen, poured another cup of coffee. i wished someone else was here, my dad, or harlen. crabb knocked at my door.

"what!" i shouted.

"you have two water lines installed here cat, one river, and one county. which one do you want hooked to the tub?"

"i don't know, i didn't know i had separate water lines," i answered.

"how much is your water bill a month?"

"twenty five dollars, i think."

"that ain't shit," he said.

"it is to me," i replied. saws started buzzing.

"i pay over a hundred each month for my water," he told me.

"i'm sorry," i said.

"did you take brown baths this spring?" he asked.

"no!"

"then you have a filtration system."

"i don't know," i said in frustration.

"you must, the green was awful this spring. they have to be changed every month or so, you know."

"no, i didn't know," i answered.

"where are they?"

"i have no idea."

"shit, i'm not trying to give you a hard time lady, but your plumbing can run into a lot of grief if you don't change the filters. i'd suggest that you put the tub on river water, save you bundles, the thing holds over a thousand gallons."

"then call my landlord," i said, gruffly.

"we gotta know miss, as soon as the boys quit sawing we'll have to call for the lifting machine, then hook things up so we can go to our next job." i dialed dad. mikey answered.

"hi," i said.

"hey baby, what's happening?" he asked.

"mikey, they're here to install the tub, do you know anything about the plumbing?"

"enough sugar, there are two sources."

"then talk to mr. crabb." they talked for a minute.

"alright," crabb said and handed the phone back to me.

"carlee?"

"yeah mikey."

"you said his name was crabb?"

"yeah, lester."

"good name for him, it matches his personality." i smiled.

"he's got no personality mikey, nor manners."

"harlen mcdowell's suppose to change those river filters monthly, sport, i hope he's doing his job."

"he's been very efficient so far mikey."

"we can replace him any time baby."

"thanks mikey, but i kind of like his work."

"ok then."

"where's dad?"

"on a mission of mercy, angel, a senator in vermont got a dose of clap they can't treat, can't cure anyway, bill's gone to fix him up, i'm house and dog sitting."

"dog?" i asked.

"yeah, your dad got a dog, pretty thing too, a lab, golden, his named him jael."

"that's a girl's name mikey."

"jael?" he asked.

"sure, from the bible."

"well, maybe he is a girl."

"put your hand between its legs, it it flinches, it's a boy, if it purrs, it's a cat."

"you're funny, carlee. is that beautiful cop from louisville coming to visit soon? i have to meet her, ya know."

"yeah, i know mikey, i'll have her drive to your house, meet her there, but don't try to determine if lissell's male or female, she bites when you put your hand between her legs."

"arf," he said. "a bite from her wouldn't be bad." the sawing stopped.

"hey in there!" crabb hollered.

"yes?" i answered.

"is this all right?"

"good god, what happened to my deck?" i yelped.

"easy cat, you got thirteen feet of it left." gulp, the hole was humongous, i really could get my high school class in that.

"what in the hell's going to keep me from falling in all the time?"

"stay sober."

"don't worry." a huge machine was coming down my drive way.

"that's the thing that put's the tub in the hole, cat, the boys are tapping into your water line as we speak."

"will they mess up my yard, my flowers when they run it?" i asked.

"used to would have, but we use a pussy-pounder theses days, just like the phone company, a slight trench."

the tub was beautiful, a ton of spackle went into the hole where the deck used to be, then the machine laid the tub. i couldn't watch.

"here's the control panel. this is the temp setting, this turns on the turbulants, this one adds water, and this one, well, i hope you don't have friends on the water board."

"i don't," i said.

"this dumps the contents, in your case, into the green. it's all in the users manual."

by five pm, it was installed, filled, and ready for action. i arranged a small glass table and three chairs there wasn't room for much else. the additional furniture was laying around the yard. major clean up, i wondered where harlen was. an alarm sounded, it said "ready." i went inside and took my clothes off. i found a gym top that said "tight" across it, and a pair of black spandex bottoms, that were "tight." made a drink, and went to the tub. there were eleven chairs in the thing, plastic, well padded, holes from your glasses everywhere. the water was luke cool, perfect for a day like this. the turbulance settings went from 0-15. i turned on three. motors hummed and the water began to move in a circular direction. soothing. a knob controlled the direction of the water flow. i fooled with it and finally the water sort of agitated. i liked that better. number seven, if you were lonely, could bring you to orgasm if you spread your legs a little. i was afraid that fifeteen would be like the frog in the blender web site on shockwave. i settled on four, circular rotation. it was great, just about perfect.

"hello. miss mccord?"

god, there wasn't any doubt who this was. she was wearing a pink halter and while shorts. she had that magnificant curve between her breasts and her hips that everyone desires. her tummy was brown and flat, belly button pierced with a tastful gold ring, she had the darkest eyes and hair, pouty lips. her legs were long and slender with a very slight riding pants deformity. five foot three maybe, looked as if she'd stepped out of a fashion magazine. she was smoking a cigarette.

"emerson mcdowell?"

"yes, i am."

"i'll fight you for that cigarette." her smile would light up diddle arena.

"you're welcome to one of mine," she said. i got out of the tub, and grabbed a towel.

"please come over and sit down," i said, invitingly. she came over, sat down, and handed me a long cigarette. i took it, and she flicked her bic.

"they're french," she said. "quite terrible when you're trying to quit." i inhaled deeply.

"i'll agree," i told her, and i meant it. i didn't think emerson was wearing make up, the slightest hint of pink lip glaze. "can i make you a drink emerson?"

"actually i was looking for harlen, my step brother."

"step brother?"

"yes, we have the same dad."

"gosh, he didn't tell me that," i said.

"i will take that drink, miss mccord."

"carlee, please, emerson." she smiled again. i gave emerson her drink.

"lots of commotion on your road today, carlee."

"yes, lots, they brought the tub."

"it's very lovely," she said.

"it's much larger than i expected, emerson," i said. "have you seen harlen today?"

"i got to our house early, spent some time with him, he told me he may be late, and his last stop was here, about three this afternoon."

"gosh emerson, i haven't heard a word from him," i said, very concerned.

"he's a big boy, he wanted me to meet you anyway," she said.

"so, i'm glad you came," i smiled. "you're in school?"

"yeah, this coming semester will start my junior year."

"what are you studying?" i asked.

"fashion merchandising, textiles and apparel; i hoping to win an internship at liberty's, in london next year."

"gosh, that would be great, emerson."

"this girl talk, or can i join in?" harlen, standing on the deck, he startled us. emerson jumped up and ran toward him, she lost a sandal. she held him tightly and kissed him and rubbed herself on him a lot.

"oh bro, i didn't know what had happened to you." i found all this rather melodramatic, but i was an only child.

"oh em, you're too damn possessive, contain yourself," he told her. he caressed her dark hair, and rubbed her cheek. "and what do you think of carlee?"