Hayes

My Dad, My Hero

Chapter One (Summer 2000)

Looking back on these events 15 years later the main thing I can remember is heat; never-ending, dry-as-a-bone heat where if you wanted you could go fry an egg on any surface outside. Not that frying an egg would do you much good outside, it'd just be consumed by the also never-ending hordes of flies. Flies, incidentally, are how this story opens as my dad and I are speeding along the freeway that connected Sydney in the old family car. Now the car was too old to have AC and my latest mouthful of flies lead to this question.

"Why do flies even exist?!?!? All they do is get in my bloody mouth!"

A quick swat over my ear reminded me that use of the word bloody would lead to similar levels of pain.

"Aside from a desire to clean your mouth out young Josh they serve a perfectly good purpose in the greater ecosystem," my father said as he raised his voice over the din of air rushing past the car.

"Flies have a purpose in life, just like I do and just like you will someday."

"I don't have a purpose now?" I asked, "Well then I'll just stop going to school."

Another swat over my ear reminded me not to joke too much as Dad smiled and poked his tongue out at me.

"You know what I mean smart-arse," he said as he focussed back on the road.

We were making great time heading down to Wollongong which wasn't utterly surprising given it was late Christmas afternoon and most people were celebrating in a strictly stationary way.

My Christmas celebrations had been split this year due to the divorce of my parents and despite my mother, sisters and the rest of the extended family being loving and all that, the times where I could be alone and just go stay with my dad were the happiest times for me. Neither my mother nor my sisters (both older in their 20s) wanted anything to do with this man who was with them for so many years and so it was just me and him as normal to have a great Christmas night.

When we arrived at his house I brought my bag in and flopped onto the lounge letting out what I thought was the longest and most intense groan indicating the displeasure I found myself in in regards to the heat. As he was carrying in his gear Dad just chuckled and said, "Go get changed, the swimming pool hasn't moved."

Grinning I grabbed my bag and raced off to my room tearing apart my newly acquired possessions until I came across the new speedo that my grandfather insisted would make me the fastest swimmer ever. Swimming was my passion and the whole family knew that. Nearly every gift I received that Christmas was related to swimming in one way or another. The other was Star Wars (but more on that later.)

I know it was summer and everything, which meant little in way of clothes, but the speed at which a ten year old boy can change his clothes is mind-blowing. Less than a minute later I was submersed in water and I entered my element. Slowly sinking to the bottom I sat there on the pebble-crete surface and simply relaxed. I could feel the stress of the car ride and the heat leave my body through the various extremities.

Suddenly a rock broke through the surface of the water and sank in front of me. Taking this as my cue I rose to the surface where Dad was quick to say his usual line "Thought I'd be hitting a dead body."

"Daaaaaaaaaaad 3;"

"Well if you didn't want to hear my old jokes, then you shouldn't sit on the bottom of the pool freaking me and everybody else who sees you there."

"But it's relaxing!"

"Fine! But at least tell people first."

Moving up to the shallow end I reached out as if to hug and said in my best pouty face "Friends?"

Dad came over with a smile and as he reached down to pat my head I reached up and tripped him in. Quickly ducking out of the way I laughed my head off as he spluttered and splashed himself up to the surface still fully clothed. That laughing died off as he stood up and I remembered how much taller than me he was. But his scowled turned into a grin as he stripped off his shirt and said, "Guess you can put this stuff in the laundry while I swim then." A trademark groan escaped from my lips as he placed his cold wet shirt and other clothes slowly on my head causing a shiver to course through my body despite the exterior heat.

After lots of splashing and load upon load of clothing deposited on my head he said, "Done. Go stick that in the washing machine." I knew my way around pretty well and so balanced it all over my head and proceeded to hop out of the pool and head off down to the laundry. I dropped the clump off into the machine after a careful traverse and raced back to the pool stopping only when I realised something was extremely odd.

"Daaaaaaaaaaad! Why aren't you wearing underwear?" I said as I watched my father's arse crisscrossing the pool as he did laps, "you didn't have to take them off as well!"

He paused and said, "Well I feel dragged back otherwise we don't all have fancy speedos" in the most condescending way possible. I instantly regretted spending about 30 minutes talking about them in the car.

"This is weird though! What if someone sees?" worry entering my voice.

Dad responded way too quickly with, "No-one is going to see. I don't see any neighbours from here; the only people who can see is anyone flying a plane overhead and they'd be too busy to notice little old me swimming naked." it was at that moment that I realised he'd done it before, the ultimate in rebellion (at least for a ten year old,) swimming nude.

The heat caught up with me and feeling the desire to swim wash over me I just muttered "Whatever 3;" and bombed into the water splashing him as much as possible. I wanted to test the new speedo and so I did racing Dad back and forth along the pool. Whether or not I was actually any faster would have been indiscernible to an observer, but in my mind I was the fastest swimmer in the world in those moments. After what felt like millions of laps I started getting a bit tired so slowed down and said in a very determined voice "Dad. I am going to sit on the bottom of the pool now. I am giving you the notice that you require so you don't assume I'm dead."

Slowing stopping from his laps he turned and faced me poking out his tongue followed by "Knock. Yourself. Out." So I basically did sinking to the bottom to sit on the pebble-crete surface again. Feeling the stress leave my body in my little ritual I started my next stage, focusing on the world around me.

While normally I would focus on the ripples caused by the pool pump or on an unfortunate leave or insect bobbing along the surface todays target was the foreign objects doing laps across the pool. Being a typical ten year old of course my eyes were drawn to it. All I could think though is Bloody hell it's huge! Guesstimating I thought it was about 20 cm [8 inch] long, 5 cm [2 inch] across and even though they were drawn up to his body his balls were huge. Beyond that though the hairiness shocked me. I'd seen Dad shirtless heaps of times and was used to it there but below where his belt normally sat there was masses of hair, more then I'd even known was possible other than your head.

Eventually my need for oxygen burned past my curiosity so I pushed up and broke out of my cool refuge and back into the heat. I was really confused by what I had observed so I stammered out "I'm gonna go shower now." Dad just paused and nodded before recommencing his laps. With my usual speed I raced off to the bathroom, set the shower to a lukewarm temperature and stripped off my speedo before jumping under this new stream.

Standing there in the shower I looked down and confusion entered my mind again as I wondered why Dad looked so different from me. Where there was length I saw only a 5 cm [2 inch] tube hanging down, whereas he'd had huge egg-like balls mine were barely marbles and the biggest shock was how he could be so hairy and I didn't have any on my body other than my head.

Hearing the knock on the door with "Hurry it up Josh" I quickly finished off my rinse, grabbed a towel and after drying off wrapped it round my waist. Opening the door I saw my dad fully nude out of the water for the first time, instantly my eyes were drawn to the flagpole which was sticking straight out from his body at about 20 cm [8 inch] like I'd originally estimated.

"While I'm glad you like the view could you move out of the doorway please."

Broken out of my trance I looked up to his face, smiled and said, "Depends if I get to open my presents soon."

"Yes 3; that fine 3;" Dad sighed, "can you just move please." I obliged and let him close the door and take his own shower. I moved into my bedroom and slipped on my PJs, a cotton shirt and shorts combo, not bothering with underwear as normal. Heading back into the lounge room I flopped back onto the couch and listened intently as I heard the sounds of my father showering waiting for him to finish.

Curiosity took over my mind again as I wondered why Dad's penis had been standing out straight like a flagpole, I'd never noticed mine sitting like that so I reached down and tried to get it to stand up but it didn't seem to be working instead it'd just flop around. Seeing it flopped up at me I noticed that my skin had retracted a bit exposing the pink head of my penis. I reached down and touched it and was instantly overcome by a feeling that was somewhere between tickling, and super sensitivity. I gasped and retracted my hand. As I came down from the initial shock I realised that the feeling had been good. So reaching down a bit more carefully this time I ran my finger over the still slightly damp head and shuddered as this good tickling feeling came over me. I felt my dick twitching a bit and when I looked down I was amazed to see it standing up a little bit, all by itself!

Reaching down again I rubbed my fingers over it and like it had a life of its own it responded until after a minute or so of rubbing istood straight out from my body pointed straight at my face. At this moment I realised that while it'd been standing my penis had also grown to about 10 cm [4 inch]. My breathing had increased with this new discovery and I barely heard as Dad turned off the shower. But the sound registered in my mind nevertheless and I quickly pulled my shorts up to cover it. But it was still pointing out through the fabric. Hearing the bathroom door open and Dad heading off to his room I pulled off a move which I would swear for years afterwards was my original invention, that of tucking my dick into the elastic band of my shorts. Now you couldn't even tell.

I felt the need to cover my activities and so turned on the TV where the nightly news was going through the typical Christmas Day bulletin of no new news. After watching for a few minutes I felt a presence behind me and looked over my shoulder to see dad dressed in a similar clothes combination to me holding a present bag. With a smile he said, "Merry Christmas Josh" and handed me this bag. I pushed his arm away flung over the back of the couch and hugged him as hard as I could. I said, "Thanks Dad, but wait a few seconds I need to go get your gift."

I returned quickly and handed Dad his own gift bag, "Grandad assured me that you'd want this and told me to tell you that he was the purchaser."

"Thanks Josh," Dad said, "now open your stuff." And so I did opening quite a few packages, mostly some nice clothes but at the bottom of the bag was a boxy shape package. I quickly tore open the wrapping revealing a trio of videos, the original Star Wars trilogy. I had been desiring these ever since I saw Episode 1 and loved it (I was the target demographic, hindsight has informed me of this error in judgement.) I threw the gifts to one side and cambered into the biggest hug I had yet given in my life as I said, "Thankyou. Thankyou. Thankyou. Thankyou 3;"

"That's alright Josh," Dad gasped out, "now let me go fix up dinner and we'll put the first one on." I moved all the wrapping and other gifts back to my room and went out to the kitchen where Dad was preparing dinner, a cold roast chicken and salad.

On the bench there was a dark bottle that looked unfamiliar. I read the label aloud "Johnnie Walker." Dad turned and said, "Your grandfather always did know my taste, remember to thank him for me." I nodded and watched as he finished off preparing our plates.

Once done Dad poured himself a small amount of the amber liquid from his present into a glass and went over to the freezer to pop some ice cubes in it. While over at the fridge he looked inside and said, "I haven't got Coke sorry Josh, so for you it's water I'm afraid."

I groaned but knowing it couldn't be helped said, "That's ok Dad, guess I'll just have water."

He rustled to the back of the fridge and pulled out a glass bottle. "Never mind that, I have some Moscato here."

"What's Moscato?" I asked intrigued with the unfamiliar name. Dad paused for a few seconds considered himself and said, "Ummmm 3; it's kinda like a fizzy grape drink that's usually used as like a fake wine." He got out a corkscrew, opened it like a wine bottle, poured a small amount into a glass and said, "Give it a try."
[if you don't know what Moscato is, see http://winefolly.com/review/moscato-wine/]

So I sipped at the fizzy liquid and decided that I liked the sweet but light grape flavour. "Got a weird aftertaste but I'll have that thanks Dad." So he poured me a full glass, put the bottle back in the fridge and we gathered our things, heading back to the living room.

As I tucked into the food and drink I became engrossed in the action unfolding on the TV, not even noticing as Dad refilled both my glass and his multiple times. Despite many of you knowing why I'd be feeling ultra-thirsty even after drinking my 'special' drink I didn't pick up on this at the time and just kept chugging it down.

While being taken in by the movie I just didn't really notice that my thoughts were being clouded and that I was started to laugh more. With the conclusion of Star Wars Dad turned off the VCR and flicked over onto the networks settling on a channel that was playing National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation, one of my favourites. Urine had been building in my bladder and I patiently waited until the ad break to make my move.

Standing up my head instantly swirled in an unfamiliar way leading me to lose balance and fall right on Dad. He just laughed and said, "Don't be so clumsy." I could tell that he was a little drunk by the way he slurred his speech. He stood me up with almost no effort though and in a surprising move started rubbing my inner thigh underneath my shorts while gazing at my crotch. I felt my penis starting to tremble again and so I quickly pushed his hand away and ran to the bathroom.

By the time I got there I was fully hard and the clumsiness, dizziness and confusion all steeped in and I peed before I reached the toilet bowl. Realising I'd ruined my shorts I stood there in shock before thinking "Shit, gotta hide this!" and stepping into the shower turning it on full blast to wash away my crime.

Stepping out, and having become accustomed to the dizziness, I quickly stripped of my PJs before realising the predicament I was in, my penis was still hard with no dry clothes to cover it, no towels in sight (hadn't returned them after the shower) and a puddle of piss on the floor. I became emotional really quickly and started crying like I would've when I was really little.

The bathroom door burst open and there was Dad standing there as he took in all the elements of his sopping wet ten year old son standing over a puddle of piss sopping wet with a hardon. He leaned outside the door, grabbed some new towels from the linen cupboard just outside the door and covered the puddle before kneeling down and wrapping the other towel around me. As he dried still crying me he said in a low voice, "I'm sorry Josh, it's my fault you didn't make it in time."

For some reason I couldn't get hold of my emotions and so Dad finished drying and picked me up with one arm under my legs and another around my shoulders as I gripped on. He carried me, still naked, back through the living room to his bedroom laying me on the bed. He lay next to me and gently stroked my hair and chest until I started to calm. "Now please explain why you're so upset Josh," he said in the same low voice he had used earlier.

I blubbered out incoherent ramblings as he continued stroking my head and chest, but after a few minutes found the part of my brain that controlled speech and used it. "I'm so sorry Dad, I didn't make it in time, made a mess and then just kept making it worse by trying to fix it. I'm sorry that I'm such a freak!"

"In what way could I possibly think you're a freak?" Dad asked, real concern coming across despite the slurring, "You just had an accident is all."

I almost went back into blubber mode but managed to stop myself and say, "It's not that 3; You must think I'm a freak cos my dick looks tiny, I have no hair and I didn't even manage to get it hard until earlier today 3; not like yours."

With confusion still swirling around my head Dad responded in a way I couldn't have imagined. "I think this thing," as he moved his hand down my chest and took hold of my still hard 10 cm [4 inch] penis, "is the most beautiful thing ever created."

I gasped as Dad started moving his hand up and down bringing unimaginable feelings to this previously one function object. With his mouth moving over my chest I felt his tongue starting to lap at my damp body licking around my nipples spreading these newfound strange feelings all over my body causing tingles in my hands and toes. Slowly he kept moving his head down past my belly button and hairless mound until he took my dick into his mouth.

An "Ahhhhhhhhhh 3;" escaped from my mouth as I felt the feelings build and build until a moment when it all seemed to stop and then an explosion as the warm, tickling painful feeling burst from the tip of my dick and flowed back over my body causing me to tremble as wave after wave coursed over my body.

Dad noticing this change slowed himself but did not stop and when I opened my eyes and looked down I just saw him, dick in mouth yet still smiling up at me.

As I came down from this amazing feeling, which I later learned was my first orgasm, confusion reared its ugly head again, but instead in a more curious sense. "What. Was. THAT?!?!?!?!" I asked still slightly breathless.

"That was the best present someone can give another person Josh." Dad said after letting my penis have a rest from his constant sucking. Hesitantly he then said, "Would you like to 3; try it on me?"

Consistent with my previous extremes in emotions due to my intoxicated nature giddiness overcame me and I slightly teared Dad's shirt in my eagerness to get it off him my mouth descending on his chest. Before I got the chance Dad took his shorts off revealing his hard 20 cm [8 inch] monster and I quickly moved my way down to try taking it in my mouth. I got five seconds in before I realised my mouth was full of hair and Dad yelled 'Youch!!!" as I bit down trying to get rid of it.

I pulled back shocked and worried but Dad took my head and pushed it back so that his dick was entering my mouth. "Don't bite you bloody monster!" I started panicking until I look up and saw him grinning.

I continued on with what probably wasn't the best blow job ever but I guess it did the trick because Dad started moaning with pleasure. He lay back and I felt my hardness engulfed by moisture again. I started getting close and again I felt the wave's crash over me as I was brought to another orgasm. Dad slowed his pace and moved so he was laying over me, each other's penis still in the opposite mouth. He continued suckling on my little stick and started to pump his monster in and out of my mouth. I broke out of my trance and started to move my tongue about so I could give Dad his present.

I wasn't prepared for it, I mean what virgin ever is? I felt Dad quicken his pace and let out a guttural moan as he started shooting strands of a salty liquid into my mouth. My head was trapped by his legs and to avoid choking it could only go one way, down my throat. I swallowed stream after stream as he unloaded in my mouth until I couldn't cope anymore and started bashing at him to move away. Pulling off his final stream shot out across my face and went right in my eye and across my cheek. He hurriedly pulled off, looked back at my face, grinned and in a burst of speed placed his mouth over mine, kissing and licking his cum out of my mouth sharing it with his digestive system. I liked the kissing and enjoyed the spicy taste of his mouth caused by the whiskey.

This continued for a while until pulled off and started laughing, "Let's get you cleaned up messy boy." Using a tissue from his bedside table Dad wiped the cum from my face letting me open my eye again. He got up and pulled me to my feet. With his arm around me we walked to the bathroom.

As I stood in the shower waiting for Dad to get more towels I noticed the wet one on the floor and my thoughts went back to that moment just a short time earlier. I still felt light and airy at this time and with closure forming in my mind I just giggled thinking about how it must have looked.

Dad came in and turned the knobs letting water wash away all the saliva and stickiness of the fun. Feeling the warmth overtake me I swung my arms around Dad and sunk my head into his chest feeling comfortable and enjoying the feelings of closeness. Feeling Dad's arms close in around me a smile came across my face and I opened my eyes. I was always a smart kid and what I saw next gave me one of those lightbulb moments we all get from time to time. Dad's penis had shrunk to about 8 cm [3 inch] and was now hanging down floppily. "So our dicks get hard when you want to show the love present thing and then get soft after?" I asked looking back up at Dad's face.

"Pretty much little one," Dad said smiling, "your present was so amazing I think mine's a bit tired for now."

With the curiosity centre of my brain firing I then asked, "So why was it hard in the pool earlier?"

"Because you're a bloody sexy boy, Josh, and seeing you in your speedo made me remember that," Dad said with slight shyness entering his answer especially when I pinched him for using 'bloody'. "I've been attracted to you for a long time, just how like Mums and Dads usually are attracted to each other."

"So is that why you divorced Mum?" I asked having never known the reason why they had.

"It's one of the reasons, yes, but not the only one. One day I'll tell you the whole story, but for now just stay my amazing little man." Dad increased the pressure of his hug after this little speech and I returned it.

"So 3;" I started, but Dad interrupted with "Super-question-man today are we?" Another of his long-running 'Dad' jokes, referring to when I was young and obsessed with Superman.

"I must be Superman," I replied and playfully grabbed his dick, "yours is all tired and mine's still ready to be given a present."

Dad reached down and started stroking my still hard rod. "Well then," he said in a still slightly slurred way, "I'll just have to fix that." And fix it he did as he knelt down in the shower, water still splashing down on us, and took the rod into his mouth as he grabbed my arse cheeks.

I drew in a breath and sighed contently as wonderful feeling started circulating out from my penis yet again, it was my new favourite toy/game/present all-in-one. Dad's hands massaged my butt and he slowly moved his right index finger to my butthole, rubbing the skin around it. I thought I knew pleasure from earlier in the night but that almost made me buckle over onto the floor. Dad pulled his hand back sucked on the finger and moved it back to my hole and started to slowly work it in. This didn't feel pleasant but the contrasting pleasure coming from the other side kept me from making him stop and instead saying, "Daaaaaaaaad 3; that hurts in my butt 3;"

Dad retorted by taking my dick out of his mouth giving it a long, slow lick and saying, "Just need to get it in a bit further, then it'll feel amazing."

I said, "Ok 3;" not very convincingly as he still needed to prove it to me. Prove it to me he sure did as after a minute or so of the pain (which had lessened, but was still there) Dad's finger touched something which did make me buckle and I fell onto his shoulder. I screamed out in pleasure as an orgasm tore through my body, an even higher feeling then my first earlier in the evening. I could feel my hole pulsing on the finger in rhythm with my dick pulses and then I utterly begged Dad to stop as the feeling's got too intense.

After washing off me and his finger Dad turned the water off and started to dry me. By this point I was almost in a vegetative state, communicating mostly in grunts. After drying himself I was guided back to the couch where I was disappointed to find Christmas Vacation was well and truly over (given the time Christmas was too.) Dad asked if I wanted a drink and I just nodded as I mindlessly watched some action movie on the electric screen.

Dad came back with two glasses, one with whiskey for him and the other with what looked like Coke. "I managed to find some Coke at the back of the fridge," Dad said with a smile, "but since you've proven yourself to be such a big man tonight I thought you'd like to try some scotch with it." I sniffed the drink and I could smell those spicy tones mixed in with the sweetness of the Coke. Taking a sip it was a bit hard to swallow but I did.

Being unsure I said, "It's like really sweet and bitter at the same time."

Dad just nodded and said, "Try another sip it gets easier." Following his command I swallowed some more and it sure was, in fact as I took more sips it became really easy and my glass was polished off by the next ad break in the movie. Dad popped up took my glass and when he returned it was full again. I almost sculled the glass which by this point, in hindsight, was more scotch than Coke. I was really quite dizzy even sitting down and I needed something sturdy. So I cuddled into Dad, who like me was still naked, then lay my head on his lap.

When I felt something big and hard poking my neck I giggled and Dad give me a little tickle before he turned my head so I could see his 20 cm [8 inch] monster pointed at my face looking damp and very hard. I licked it a few times before I felt Dad's hand grab my hair and push my mouth over it much further than before, starting to hit my throat. Honestly I don't think I could really stop at this point, given the amount of alcohol I had consumed over the course of the night I was at that state where you really aren't in conscious control of your actions. I wouldn't reach this state again until my late teens for reasons that will become clear as the story progresses.

With his hands of steel grabbing my hair Dad started to fuck my mouth, muttering under his breath, "get it wet Joshy, we need it wet." I just complied; all sense of right and wrong, pain and pleasure were gone from my mind as I became his limp jack-off hole.

I can't remember how we ended up there but I soon found myself on my back laying on Dad's bed again. His face was down at my but-hole as he was spitting on it and pushing a couple of fingers in. Compared to earlier in the shower it was clumsy work but I do recall occasionally pokes of 'that' spot deep down which had caused my dick to become quite hard and active.

"Sorry if this hurts Joshy, it'll get better once I'm in, I promise." Dad was slurring pretty heavily by this point, while not as drunk as me I'm thinking he was pretty inebriated by this point too.

The pain was the worst pain I have ever felt, worse than breaking bones, anaesthetic-free dental work and a stab wound all of which would happen in later life. Expectantly I screamed in the way that only a prepubescent kid can and to this day I don't know why the neighbours didn't come running. Dad clamped his left hand down on my mouth also holding me in place as his right hand helped move his dick further and further into me in a way I didn't even know was possible until later.

Not matter how much I screamed and begged through his hand Dad just didn't stop even with tears running down my face. It felt like hours and hours of excruciating pain until I felt his hair against my arse cheeks indicating that all 20 cm [8 inch] was buried in my ten year old body. Despite all the resistance and crying Dad paused only for a second then started to pump in and out groaning with what I assume was pleasure. With his right hand free I was being slowly jacked off despite my penis being a tiny little shrimp.

I would go on describing this event further but even 15 years later I still have negative memories of that pain. The conclusion was brought about when with my legs over his shoulders I felt a huge pool of warmth spread inside me and seep out beside the pumping dick. Dad had cum and taken his present from me.

I was out of tears, my voice gone from the screaming and I felt Dad plop down next to me after finally removing his invasion. I remember Dad trying to kiss and hug me but beyond that I just remember darkness as I passed out.

When I woke up there was pain and heat. Heat came from the now scorching day and pain came from my scorching throat, scorching arse and pounding head. I didn't know where I was, I just lay there confused until it registered in my brain that water would fix my throat. Trying to stand up I instantly keeled over and vomited all over the floor.

The vomit out of my system entered shock as I started remembering the previous night and especially the part about why my bum felt like it was on fire. Standing up and looking at the bed just contributed to my shock as it was now empty but where I had been laying was covered in a huge pool of red blood. The door opened quietly and I glanced over to a very dishevelled Dad, he looked like he'd been crying.

Instinctively I started stumbling to the furthest part of the room that I could feeling fear come over me, wasn't long before I lost my footing over the clothes on the floor and my general weakness. I fell hard onto the floor. Soon I felt myself being cuddled as I started crying with Dad whispering, "I'm sorry Josh, I am so sorry." Unlike the previous night I wasn't coming out of this one and I lay there for well over an hour just crying comforting myself in the foetal position. Dad was there with me but I refused to acknowledge his presence.

Eventually he got up and picked me up with great difficulty as I started thrashing trying to get away. Being stronger Dad got the upper hand. I closed my eyes and tried to fall asleep. Just as I was expecting pain coming from my rear I felt water as Dad had carried me into the pool. He let go and being free I fled to the furthest corner.

Dad, called across the pool, "I am so sorry I hurt you Josh, I didn't know what I was doing and instead of a present I just gave you pain." As I looked up I could see the tears in his eyes. "It'll never happen again and if you never want to see me again I'll understand. I called your mother a few hours ago saying you were sick and wanted to go home. She's on her way now."

Dad hopped out of the pool went over to the bench and said, "You've got a towel and clothes over here, please use them." He then walked off into the house and I was alone.

How does a ten year old boy react to a situation like this? Well to be honest I don't know as I can only tell you how I reacted.

I retreated.

I retreated back into my head and just set my body on autopilot. Soon I heard a horn and got out of the pool. I dried myself and got dressed but stopped when I saw a note. On it was written:

My wonderful Josh,

Last night I planned to share with you the feelings that have been a part of me for as long as I can remember. But to do this I lied and hurt you to just get my own pleasure. I got you drunk early in the night without you knowing and tried my best to get you in a position where I'd be able to fondle you and show you the pleasure. I succeeded but I took it too far. I introduced you to things you shouldn't have seen and I took your virginity in a way that only brought you pain. If at any point you are feeling properly unwell or just feel like never seeing me again just show this note to your mother or sisters and they'll make sure you never have to see me again.

I love you Josh.

Dad

I didn't know what to make of the note and I scrunched it up as I walked through the house to the front door. My bag was waiting there and I unzipped it to throw the note inside. On top of a box was another note that simply read, "Your birthday present since I won't see you. D." Ignoring it for now I zipped up the bag and walked out into the blazing day.

I hopped in Mum's car to "Are you feeling OK sweetie?"

I just nodded as we pulled out of the driveway and as we started driving off towards home I muttered, "Christmas was bloody ruined."

Chapter Two (Summer 2000/1)

It had cooled down outside. Instead of the usual sheet I'd have over me in bed I'd moved into light blanket territory. But it wasn't enough. Almost a week had passed since I had seen my father which meant a week of silence towards my family, avoiding the world around me and staying as isolated as I possibly could. I wasn't exactly a boisterous child at the best of times so I think (in hindsight) that my mother and sisters wrote it off as 'Josh being sick', or 'he feels he ruined Christmas'.

Of course in the car ride home and across numerous times that week people had been telling me I'd be fine and that I hadn't ruined anything. I felt differently as you can imagine. I was in a weird state of shock, anger and sadness that my ten year old brain really didn't have the capacity to understand.

Dad hadn't contacted me, I hadn't contacted him. My bag with all my gear had been thrown in the cupboard upon my arrival and I hadn't bothered going back for it as every time I thought about anything to do with that day I just felt bad again.

Helen, my eldest sister, poked her head into the room and said "C'mon Josh, time for you to get up! Can't have you laying here for the rest of the year!" She was trying to be funny with the latter part of that statement, the date was December 31st 2000. "You promised me that you wouldn't chicken out for this. Go have a shower and get ready."

With a level of apathy I wouldn't again exhibit until my teenage years I slowly sighed, said "Fine 3;" and trudged off to the bathroom to wash a week's worth of stink from my body.

I wasn't really thinking about anything at all as I stripped off my clothes but as the first jets of water splashed down my body the memories of 'that' night hit me and I opened my mouth as if to scream, but nothing came out. I stood there for a minute or two and then I remembered the blood on the sheets the morning after and quickly step out of the shower to look at my arse in the mirror.

My ring looked bruised just like one would anywhere else on my body and also explained why I was still sore whenever I had to push anything out it. But the pain from inside my bowels had passed a couple of days after I got home and otherwise when I stood up I noticed that I was still the same Josh as a week earlier, nothing had changed. I looked at myself in the eyes and told myself to stop the crying. Boys don't cry.

I re-entered the shower and performed all duties one must to be considered as 'clean' in my female dominated household. I seemingly embraced my new-found stoicism and went and put a pair of jeans with a red t-shirt on. I walked out into the family area and yelled, "Hellish sister!" my nickname for Helen, "I'm ready!"

She came bustling out of her room and said, "Finally. It's meant to be girls who take forever getting ready. C'mon we're going to be late."

We hopped in her car and started driving off to the local cinema. Helen's Christmas present to me had been to take me off to see a movie marathon to bring in the New Year. I'm pretty sure it was also a gift to Mum, allowing her to go out and fraternise on one of the biggest party nights around instead of babysitting me.

As we were driving along Helen piped up with "Are you sure you're OK Joshy? You know you can tell your big sis anything right?"

I turned and smiled, concealing the rage of emotions in my head, "I'll be fine, is it just us tonight?" There had been something she'd said on Christmas Day about some of her friends being around for this marathon.

"Almost. All the girls bailed except Dani. She has to babysit her bro so thought it'd be better here than getting pissed at some party." Helen then put on her 'she wants something' voice, "Would you mind keeping him distracted a bit, you'd probably have more fun with a boy anyway."

"Distracted?! What is he? 3?" I asked thinking I was about to get schlepped with babysitting a toddler.

"No, no, calm down Mr. Worrywart," Helen said in a more normalised voice, "Zach is 13, you guys will probably get on fine." She was right. I always hated it when my sisters were right.

Zach was at that slightly older than me age which made him appear as super grown up in my eyes. I was a bit shy at first when we were introduced in the foyer just responding to his greeting with a "Hey." I did notice that he seemed a bit grumpy at being there and I guess I kinda got how he must have felt being stuck with his sister and some ten year old twerp on New Year's instead of being with friends. At that moment I resolved to be super grown up for him.

When I look back on my memories faces and people just seem to fade into blurs for the most part. There are exceptions of course and Zach was one of them. He had black hair all spiked up and looked like he was a swimmer, spend enough time around a pool and you get to know the build. He was dressed almost the same as me but with a SpongeBob t-shirt on (my favourite cartoon.)

As the girls chatted they sent us off to buy snacks. We were both pretty quiet, don't think either of us knew how to break the ice. When we got to the front of the line Zach ordered Sprite and popcorn and I said the same thing (gotta look cool.) Heading back over toward our sisters with snacks in tow I built up my courage and asked "Do you swim? You look like a swimmer"

Zach smiled and said, "Yeah, I am, how'd you know?"

"I swim almost every morning before school, cept when it's holidays, you look like a lot of the guys your age round the shoulders." It took Zach a moment to decipher that. I had formed those words clearly in my head but it had come out of my mouth in a nervous jumbled mess.

Once he did he started up a nice and long conversation with me about where we swam and the people we knew. Turned out we were at the same pool but he swam in the afternoons, not mornings. Time passed quickly and before I knew it we were being ushered into the cinema ready for our night. The first movie was The Matrix which I was super thrilled about because it was one of those movies that you had to see and so far Mum had stopped me.

Zach and I sat through that first film making jokes and silly comments to each other and generally just having an awesome time. Helen and Dani were seated a few rows back since the movie marathon was pretty empty and seemed to be having their own fun that boys wouldn't understand.

The fun continued through the next film X-Men which I had seen before but surprisingly Zach hadn't. So in typical ten year old fashion I kept spoiling parts for him. He responded by rewarding me with light punches to my shoulder which didn't hurt and I could tell were just his way of being fun.

With the third movie about half an hour in it became obvious that both Zach and I were a bit bored. Gladiator despite having some awesome blood and stuff had a plot line that went way over our heads and so Zach turned to me and said "You want to go play in the arcade?" I nodded and we left, briefly pausing to tell our sisters what was up.

The arcade area of the cinema was empty, in fact the whole place seemed deserted. It looked like everyone had different plans tonight. So Zach and I got to playing all the various games, my favourite being VirtuaCop 2 where we became awesome teammates yelling at each other to shoot this or that. Eventually my bladder decided to cut down on the fun and my bowels agreed. I told Zach I was heading to the bathroom and he nodded and went off to play something on his own.

Once in a stall I pulled down my pants and began the long and painful task of taking a shit. So much time passed that Zach eventually came in to ask, "Josh, you still in here?"

"Yeah," I responded, "sorry had a bit built up." I started getting a bit embarrassed not wanting to be the uncool ten year old in Zach's eyes.

That soon came to an end. As the turd finally passed I let out a bit of a yelp, close to a scream and suddenly there was a face at the bottom of my stall. "Fuck dude, you OK?" I could see actual concern on Zach's face as he looked up at me, the pain would've been obvious on my face.

Boys don't cry. "Yeah all good just got splashed a little from that dump."

He gave me a quizzical look then stood back up. "K, let me know if you need help."

I wiped myself off as gently as possible and flushed heading out to the sinks. Zach was waiting there and looking at me weirdly. "You sure you're OK?" he said.

"Yeah," I smiled and embraced the ignoration of the pain at my butt, "super fine. You wanna go back and play some more?"

"OK," Zach said with a shrug, "just gotta pee first." He opened his pants and took out his 8 cm [3 inch] dick right in front of me. As he turned to face the stall I noticed that he had some hair round his crotch until I quickly looked up fearing what might happen if I got caught by a boy looking without permission.

Zach caught my gaze and just smirked saying "It's OK to look dude, I don't mind, plenty of people have seen it at swimming." As he finished peeing he gave a quick once over as he started playing with his dick a bit and asked "Do you mind if I jack off dude? Been wanting too since we watched X-Men."

Wanting to be the super cool dude I just nodded and said "Sure Zach, I don't mind."

Zach unbuttoned his jeans, pulled them and his underwear down to his knees and started jacking. Pretty soon his dick was 13 cm [5 inch] and erect with a small patch of hair just above it. I was engrossed in his actions watching his hand pumping along the length. "Why don't you join in Josh? Looks like you want to."

I hadn't noticed that fact I was tenting and wanting to be super cool I copy Zach exactly taking my jeans and underwear down to the knees. My dick was now fully hard and pointing 10 cm [4 inch] straight out from my hairless groin. I adopted the two finger grip Zach was using and started 'jacking off' as he had called it.

While watching Zach I noticed he was watching me as well and I don't know about him but it was such a thrill doing this naughty thing in such a public place. He was letting out small moans and I was sensing awesome feelings stirring. Zach's groans got louder and louder and soon he stood on his tip-toes and shot out some clearish liquid into the sink bowl.

He sighed and started washing it down while looking over at me smiling and saying, "you look like you're almost there man, keep going!"

I followed his instructions to a tee and I hit that point. My arse started quivering in the orgasm, that pain and the orgasm made the memories of Christmas night came flooding back.

I slowly pulled my hand away and looked at Zach. The mantra of 'Boys don't cry' is what had gotten me through the night until that point. But at that moment I lost it and burst into tears.

Looking back I think Zach was worried about being caught in a bathroom with a younger boy who had his pants down and in tears. Perfectly understandable, from his 13 year old perspective. Quickly and roughly he yanked my pants back up and did them up. He hustled me out of the toilets and soon we were sitting on a quiet staircase where no-one could see us at the back of the cinema foyer.

"Ssssshhhhhhh 3;" Zach kept shaking me a bit, trying to get me calmed down. "Sorry we did that dude. Please just stop crying." He put his arms around me and starting shushing as he rocked back and forth a bit.

I was still upset but I wanted to be friends with Zach more in that moment so I did all I could to stop the crying. Slowly but surely I did to a point where there were still tears and I was a bit sniffily but not crying out my lungs.

"So why'd you cry Josh?" Zach asked.

I will always remember this moment as I turned to look him in the eye. "It was awesome with you. It just made me remember bad stuff."

Zach responded not in words but with a hug. It was an awesome hug, he held me tightly and I felt safe. We sat there rocking back and forth for a while, until he said "Jacking off is the best feeling in the world 3; I'm really sorry that it makes you remember bad things 3;"

He held me more tightly after that and suddenly it clicked in my mind that he knew. He knew why I was having trouble taking a shit and he knew why I had started crying. I didn't know how he knew and I wouldn't for a while but in that moment it felt as if a huge weight had been lifted from my chest.

"Did you want to do it?" Zach asked softly.

"No."

After a pause Zach then asked, "Do you want to get him in trouble?"

"No."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes"

Zach didn't say anything more as he held me tightly there on the stairs.

After I had calmed down he asked if I wanted to play some more games. I nodded and off we went. About an hour later we could hear some chanting all around us "10, 9, 8, 7 3;" Zach looked over at me and said "It's meant to be lucky year for if you kiss someone exactly at midnight." I just looked up at him smiled and as the chanting got to "0!" Zach leaned in and gave me a quick peck on the lips.

I smiled and said, "Thanks for being with me tonight Zach."

Zach smiled back, "No problem Josh, I'm sure we'll hang around together sometime."

We went back to our virtual criminal shooting until Helen and Dani snuck up behind us and gave us both huge scares. Both Zach and I screamed and all too soon we were parted. As we drove home through the darkness I turned to Helen and said, "Thanks Hels it was a great night."

"No problem kiddo. Hope it's a great year for both of us." My sister smiled as she continued driving us towards home.

I lay in bed thoughts flying around my head and not feeling remotely tired. I walked over to my cupboard and took out the bag. As I opened it the smell of chlorine came wafting out from the speedo near the top. I took out the present that Dad had left for me and opened it. The game inside was Age of Empires 2 which may not seem to be a big deal to you put aside my obsession with Star Wars it was top of my interests. I'd be playing the demo for about a year but Mum had always refused to buy it for me. Somewhere inside I felt a warmth and realised that I missed Dad.

The thoughts in my mind were still conflicted, but I went to my Mum's bedroom (still unoccupied) and dialled my Dad's number. After a few rings I heard an obviously drunk Dad answer with "Hello 3;"

I paused and then said "Hey Dad, it's Josh."

" 3; 3;"

I could hear him breathing on the other end of the line, but he wasn't talking. I came out with what I wanted to say.

"I'm sad Dad and angry. It's hard to explain and stuff but I don't hate you."

" 3; 3;"

"I remember your note and you were right that you hurt me."

" 3; 3;"

I could hear some sobbing on the other end.

"I want to come see you sometime. I'll ring when I feel better."

" 3; 3;"

"Bye Dad." I hung up the phone and went back to bed. What I had just done most have cleared my mind quite a bit because I remember feeling into a deep sleep, the best I'd had in a week.

Chapter Three (January 2001)

I loved swimming and I practiced every day I could that summer. We didn't have a pool at home (why I used to try spending so much time with Dad) and so every hot summer's day, or even the cold ones for that matter, I walked myself up to the local pool. The girls at the front desk knew me well and every morning would just wave me through at 7:00 a.m. when I showed up.

Mum had made sure I had a membership allowing me to go to the pool whenever I wanted and I sure did. I wasn't exactly the most social child so every day I would just do laps in the pool until tired and then dry off in the sun. I repeated this process almost all day leaving the pool around 5:00 p.m. when I was well and truly worn out.

The pool was full of kids that summer, each wanting to be the next Ian Thorpe (2000 Olympics still fresh in our minds.) Once the Christmas/New Year lull died down I started to get a bit annoyed by the fact that my personal 'relaxation' space had been invaded by these new kids who didn't know the difference between freestyle and breaststroke.

Around mid-January was the first time I managed to see a familiar face that I actually wanted to talk to. Zach had returned from a family trip somewhere down the coast. Like me he seemed to enjoy the solace that used to come from swimming and hated all these newcomers. He became a cross between big brother and best friend to me for the rest of the weeks leading up to the return of school. From his return we met every morning, changed together, swam together, ate together and left together. I was dreading the return to school when we would be separated, Zach entering Year 8 at the local high school and myself about to start Year 6, still at primary school.

Zach had brought me out of my cone of shock at New Year's and helped me recover over those weeks. The constant swimming, talking and eating slowly let him and I understand why I had been shocked and confused in the toilets that night. It was the Wednesday before Australia Day (January 26th) and he was about to leave for another family trip. It was a sad occasion with neither of us unlikely to see the other for quite a while. While relaxing underneath on of the gum trees by the side of the pool I whispered to my friend who was lying there next to me.

"Can I tell you something, Zach?"

"Sure dude."

I proceeded to tell Zach everything that afternoon. All of it that I remembered from Christmas night. While I did he just lay there looking me in the eye as I talked through everything that had transpired all my feelings, the rage, how it had felt nice, but then how it had felt so terrible.

After I finished I was almost shaking with fear unable to believe I had just disclosed all that to another person. Zach then gave me a nice warm hug, something that I hadn't been expecting.

"What he did was wrong dude. Sorry you had to go through that," Zach said in a caring voice.

Tears had welled up in my eyes by this point and I had started to sob again. "Thanks for not leaving Zach," I blubbered, "you're the only person I've told and I don't think I could tell anyone else. If anyone found out they'd just think I'm a fag anyway and not care how I felt."

"Just because he had sex with you doesn't mean shit." As Zach said this I giggled through the tears at the way he had just spoken. "I care how you felt and even if you were gay that wouldn't change how I feel. I had enough of that fag bashing shit last year to even care about that."

I didn't pick up on the hidden meaning of his statement until months later, but then I was ten and to be honest the concept of two guys together was fairly foreign to me.

"So have you talked to your Dad since?" Zach asked in a protective way.

I hesitated before answering, "I called him on New Year's after I got home."

"Did he say anything?"

"Nah, pretty sure he was super drunk. I just told him I was mad and after that he was sobbing."

Zach let out a sigh and said, "sounds like he's pretty fucked up then."

I nodded and then said what I hadn't expected to hear any time soon. "I miss him."

"Even after all that?" Zach asked with a mixture of concern and intrigue.

"Yeah, in a way it feels like what he and Mum used to say to me after I'd done something bad. That they love me but just didn't like me at the moment."

"Guess I get it 3;" Zach didn't sound convinced and at that moment neither was I.

As we left the pool that afternoon we said our goodbyes. Zach made sure I had his mobile number and told me to call or message him if I ever needed to talk. With sadness in my heart and missing Zach already I trudged off home.

What I had said that afternoon was true, I did miss Dad. But also true was the fact that I still hated him every morning when I woke up and had to shit out of my hole bringing back memories of pain. It didn't hurt so much anymore but the pain was still in my mind.

Contact with Dad was destined to happen it seemed, whether I liked it or not. When I arrived home that afternoon I found my bag packed and Mum waiting.

"Bad news is both your sisters and I are busy this weekend, good news news is your father's not busy and is quite happy for you to stay with him." Mum was already in happy mode so I assumed she had a date or something else happening that weekend.

Slightly worried I responded, "What if I just want to stay here?"

"Not a chance!" Mum replied, "You've been hanging around here all summer and there's no good reason you can't stay with your father."

In her mind there wasn't, I didn't exactly feel like bringing up my true feelings so that situation wasn't likely to change either. I guess in some way Mum noticed my apprehension.

"You didn't ruin Christmas, Josh," she said in a somewhat sincere voice, "I know you feel bad about it, but it wasn't your fault."

Resigned to the fact I put out a "Fine 3;"

"Good!" Mum was beaming now, she must have had a date, "Go get changed and we'll leave."

In the car on that warm summer evening I got to sit in almost silence (wasn't much of a conversationalist with my mother) and wonder. I wondered how that evening would pan out, how Dad would greet me, whether it would end in pain and what I could do to try and not lash out and hit him when I first lay eyes on him.

As we pulled into the driveway the butterflies had well and truly started mating season in my belly. I guess I must have been in some sort of trance because I suddenly realised Mum was staring at me.

"We're here sleepy-head, time to get out."

"Oh 3; right 3;" I started alighting from the car said, "I love you Mum," and started walking to the door.

"Love you too!" Was heard as Mum quickly pulled out of the driveway and roared up the street. Soon I was alone in front of Dad's house.

The door opened.

"Hi Josh."

Hearing my father's voice I turned to face him. I entered 'protection mode' as I'd come to call it in future years. I adopted a glare at him and simply said "Hi." I walked up and past him moving off towards my room, grabbing the cordless phone in the process.

I closed the door, locked it and dumped my bag on the ground. Unzipping I quickly grabbed the note Zach had given me earlier and started dialling his mobile. Unfortunately I didn't have one so I'd have to make do in the meantime.

I heard "Hello?" on the other end.

"Hey Zach, its Josh."

"Hey dude, what's up?"

"Long story, but I'm at my Dad's place with him."

Zach paused for a moment, " 3; Are you OK?"

"Yeah I just got here, just wanted to call you to feel safer I guess."

"That's Ok," Zach said, "If you feel worried please call me. Just let your Dad know that I'm aware of everything. That should keep him in line."

"You sure? Don't want to make him angry."

"You'll be fine Josh and I'll call in the morning to make sure, OK?"

"OK dude, thanks for everything."

"Bye Josh." Zach hung up and I was left alone in the bedroom with my thoughts.

I sat there for about ten minutes in silence then headed over to the door, unlocked it and headed out into the living room. Dad was sitting on the couch in silence looking at my doorway. I moved over to the recliner and dropped into it without taking my eyes off him.

After a while of mutual silence Dad broke the ice. "Who were you ringing?"

"Just a friend," I said and then added, "he wanted to know I was safe here."

Dad's face turned white, "he knows?"

I nodded, "He does, and he'll call every now and then to make sure."

Took a while to sink into Dad's head but then as I saw his brain ticking over he slowly asked, "why didn't you tell your Mum?"

"I don't know," I said as I shrugged, "I know it'd get you in deep shit and didn't want you to go through it."

"Don't swear Josh! I'll wash your mouth out with soap!" Dad had just yelled this in reflex as his old self and what I did next was surprising, I laughed. And then he laughed. It was awkward.

I looked Dad in the eye. "You hurt me Dad. You really did 3;.But I did like it until that point 3;.In fact I loved it as much as I love you." It was the truth, as much as it hurt me at that point to admit it. I had always enjoyed being with Dad in person and despite being drunk and confused on Christmas night I had enjoyed our activities until he raped me.

I could see Dad tearing up and it prompted me to do what I was instinctively born to do, I hugged him. I had quickly gotten up and out of the recliner thrown myself into the lounge and latched my arms around him as tightly as I could.

While crying Dad asked, "Have you healed? Last I saw you were a bleeding mess. I thought I'd killed you."

"I'm fine Dad. It hurt for ages and I still think about it when I poop, but I'm OK." I released Dad from my grip. I remembered I was meant to be mad. Heading back over to the recliner I asked, "What are we going to do?"

"How about we watch a movie?" Dad replied not getting that I was talking more broadly.

I don't remember what the movie was but as it carried on I was sitting there in silence working on becoming comfortable in Dad's presence. I could see him continually glancing over at me, looking nervous, but I was focusing on smells and sounds trying to will my body to forget its uncomfortable state.

My trance was only broken with Dad asking, "Want Maccas for dinner?" I nodded and then he left to go grab it leaving me alone in the house.

When he left it was as if a huge weight had been lifted from my chest and I could breathe properly again. I raised myself up from the recliner and started pacing the house in a panic not knowing what was coming over me. I was highly conflicted at this point with my anger with Dad still there but desperately wanting to just go back to the "old times."

The panic engrained in my mind as I paced through the kitchen waiting for the inevitable return of Dad. I wasn't proud of my next move and it was done out of confusion more than anything else. I had spotted a bottle of whiskey at the side of the kitchen bench. Knowing how everything had been fun and easy with Dad last time with the whiskey it made me think it could help me relax. After all that's how adults relaxed right? With booze?

One sip left me coughing and spluttering as it burned but really wanting the night to be relaxing I had another sip and it went down easier. A third solid swallow was all I could take as I heard Dad's car pull up outside. I raced back to the recliner and sat in it, turning the TV over to watch SpongeBob. Dad came in the door and handed me my regular order of a Big Mac meal.

I downed my Coke quickly wanting to stop my throat from burning so much. I asked if Dad had more, he nodded and I headed to the fridge. Once in the kitchen I started pouring myself a glass and thinking back I knew you could mix the whiskey with it. Once the glass was half full I topped it off with the whiskey. It didn't burn going down which was nice and I seemed to be able to stomach the taste. Once finished I poured another glass with the same mix and headed back to the living room.

While walking back I noticed that I had developed a case of wonkiness that felt so similar to the one I had at Christmas. I quickly downed the beef, lettuce and special sauce and was starting to smash down my chips when Dad piped up.

"You OK Joshy? You're downing your food really quickly."

I just nodded and mumbled with a full mouth, "hungry."

Dad shrugged his shoulders and settle back into watching the cartoon. I quickly demolished the chips and focussed on sipping down my drink. Pretty soon indigestion caught up and with the Coke having an impact as well I let out a burp worthy of a person twice my age. Dad laughed, which made me laugh and I couldn't stop. Soon I was fighting back tears I was laughing so hard and Dad just kept on laughing with/at me.

After a couple of minutes I calmed myself down and noticed the smirking gaze of Dad. I smiled at him and then went back to watching the cartoon. At the end of his meal (and the episode) Dad got up and told me, "I'm off to have a shower haven't washed in a couple of days. Knock if you need me."

By this point I was drunk. My head was swimming and Dad's words barely made sense but I felt as if I had a warm glow emanating from my body. I nodded to Dad's statement and he headed off to the bathroom and shut the door.

When I heard the shower start up my thoughts went to images of Dad naked. They all raced through my head and also thoughts of the pleasure I had felt at his touch weeks earlier. Soon my pants were tented and with my inhibitions at an all-time low I pulled them down and started poking and rubbing my dick. It was feeling good but I had plans to make it feel even better.

I stumbled out of my clothes leaving me naked and likewise stumbled towards the bathroom door and opened it. I could see Dad in all his hairy naked glory with his eyes closed through the glass of the shower door. He didn't even notice that he had company until I stepped through into the showing.

I had caught him by surprise, "Joshy, what are you doing?" Without saying a word I did what I went there to do. Kneeling on the shower floor I took Dad's soft, limp dick into my mouth and moved my tongue around the edge of his head. It took less than 30 seconds for the organ to fully inflate and Dad, still in shocked, let out a sigh of relief as I 'went to town' on his cock.

Using one hand to stroke his 20 cm [8 inch] monster I continued using my tongue around the glans emitting small moans from Dad every time I touched one particular spot on his left. I focussed on this spot licking it like the best ice cream cone ever and soon my hand felt Dad's dick pulsing. With my mouth still over it one shot of cum fired deep into my mouth. Not prepared (and not wanting to choke this time) I pulled my mouth off and cum kept flying out of Dad's cock, covering my face.

I tried my best to use my fingers to collect all the cum, which didn't taste as bad as I remembered. Dad recovered and as his first act pulled me up onto my feet and used his tongue to collect all the remnants on my face and then gave me a massive open-mouthed kiss, sharing his cum between us. It only took a few seconds until he pulled back with a quizzical look on his face.

"Have you been drinking Josh?" There was a sound of disbelief, almost anger, in his voice.

I entered a sad state as I looked up, tears in my eyes, and said, "I'm sorry Daddy but I just wanted to relax and have fun with you." I started crying but Dad showed me some love by hugging me.

As he held onto crying me Dad said, "don't worry Josh, I'm not mad at you, I'm mad at myself. I'm sorry you felt the need to drink."

Dad turned off the shower and proceeded to dry both of us. By the time he was leading us back to the living room I had stopped my tears and to be honest was probably more concerned about getting the tingly feeling from my still hard dick.

Sitting down on the lounge Dad pulled me down beside him. "Are you feeling sick, Joshy?"

I shook my head and said, "Why do you want to know?"

Dad let out a sigh of relief, "Sometimes when people drink a lot of alcohol they get sick. Just let me know if you do feel yucky."

"OK daddy." Wanting physical contact at this time I snuggled into his big strong chest and started playing with my 10 cm [4 inch] hard dick.

"I want you to promise you won't ever drink again, Josh."

I looked up with a smile on my face and said, "I won't Dad."

"You better not!" And then unleashed a fury of tickles making me leave my dick alone.

Carefully he wrestled/manoeuvred me to a point where he had great face to groin access and then proceeded to give my dick the same treatment I'd just given his in the shower. This tryst seemed to last hours and hours as he gave me an amazing blowjob and pretty soon I was returning the favour again. I reached my high point four times before Dad gave me another mouthful and as we were kissing and cleaning his cum from my face I felt a wave of exhaustion come over me.

Dad noticed my tiredness and so picked me up and gave me a piggy-back ride to my bed. As he tucked me in he said, "I really happy that we could have fun tonight Josh, again I'm so sorry for what happened."

Taking a moment to consider this in my tired, drunk mind I responded with, "It's OK Dad, I get that you didn't want to hurt me."

He kissed me on the forehead, "I love you Joshy, and I'll never hurt you again."

"I love you too."

I drifted off into slumber.

I woke up with a start the following morning. My head was pounding and I could hear Dad knocking on my door "You up Joshy?"

"Yeah 3;" I sleepily grumbled.

Dad entered the room and handed me the phone. "Josh!!! You OK??? Was that your Dad who answered??? Are you OK???"

Recognising Zach's voice I replied, "Yeah I'm fine 3; and yes that was my Dad," I yawned through that sentence.

"He didn't force you to do anything?"

"Nah, we did stuff but because I wanted to." My mind wandered back to memories of the previous night and sure in my response. "I think everything will be OK."

Chapter Four (May-December 2001)

The months seemed like they flew by after my reunion with Dad. School was plodding by with my final year of primary school being completed with relative ease. My teacher was a bitch, but then who doesn't get that one teacher at that point in their lives who they just end up hating for life. It was going to be long year.

On the Dad front it was odd looking back. While I was still somewhat angry with him I was slowly warming as we had a multitude of oral sessions with my pleasure being the focus. My arse was still out of play, one night of trying a finger and then me giving him the cold shoulder made sure he didn't try anything I wasn't comfortable with.

In these early days of the internet Zach became my first true online friend, the swimming season was over ahead of the cold months and I hadn't seen him for weeks. While I did have other friends I felt a massive connection to Zach because it seemed like he understood me. We had discussed so, so much over our chats. Needless to say I was looking forward to my birthday with great anticipation since I was going to be allowed a sleepover with Zach as the only attendee.

The night came and I celebrated turning 11 with as much pomp as you'd expect, basically ate pizza and played the N64. Zach and I had a great time in the loungeroom. My sisters were out and my mum and her boyfriend, Pete, had headed off to bed figuring that we'd tire ourselves out eventually. Eventually we got sick of the games and switched on some mindless movie that I cannot recall.

I am still really quite fuzzy on what happened that night (as you'll soon discover) but I do remember that it was the night of my first kiss with a peer. We had been chatting and getting really close and before I knew it Zach's lips were over mine and I responded in kind. We made out for awhile and slowly undressed, one item at a time, until Zach and I were both naked.

I giggled and said, "Let's go to my room. Mum might come out here." Zach nodded and we tiptoed off to my room.

With the door closed and lamp on I got a good chance to examine my friend and his stunning body. We both had the swimmer's build with decently developed shoulder and chest muscles (Zach's more than mine.) I always felt that he just looked like an older version of me but darker hair, a rounder nose, some more height and of course the bigger dick. It looked like it grown since December and his patch of hair seemed a bit thicker. Similarly I'd grown too with a couple of hair strands popping up (I'd been thrilled of course with the hair.) Now standing at 12 cm [5 inch] it wasn't too shabby comared to Zach's 15 cm [6 inch] and that made me super proud.

Hands explored while we kissed and I knew I wanted to take it further. I whispered "Do whatever you want."

Zach looked at me nervously, "Are you sure? I really want to go all the way."

My stomach knotted and I got all sweaty. But looking at Zach and the concern in his face I knew I wanted to try for his sake. I nodded and said, "OK, but please be slow."

Zach got up from my single bed and got a tube from his bag. He came back over and lay down, squeezing some gel onto his dick. He started rubbing it all over and curious as always I reached out to touch. The gel was super cool (in temperature) and felt super slick. "This'll help it go in easy." Zach said as he reached around and put some on my hole.

I twitched and sighed deeply as I felt his finger back there rubbing the cool soothing gel around my hole and slightly in. "Why don't you get on top of me and try sitting on it, that way you're in control."

I understood instantly what he meant and I straddled my legs over his torso and groin. With my hardness pointing into his belly button I felt his dick at the back door. I pushed back and sat way too quickly onto his length and felt his pubes tickling my perineum. I stifled a groan/scream but held firm not wanting to disappoint this boy. Zach looked like he'd just entered heaven with an "O" forming on his lips.

We stayed still in silence as I grew accoustmed to him inside me. He asked, "Are you OK?"

Pushing through the pain I nodded, smiled and said, "It feels amazing, move in me."

And so Zach started moving, pulling himself out a little he'd then push back on in. After five or so strokes I felt a change inside me as I completely forgot any pain and felt only pleasure. Each push from then felt like it sent sparks down my legs and I was like Zach in utter bliss.

But as much as I'd like to give us both orgasms on paper and let us have our bliss for a few more moments it was not the case. In fact it was why I took so long to finish this chapter because this moment still sticks in me as the most painful of childhood, which given Chapter One is difficult to comprehend.

We'd made too much noise and soon not even noticing he'd entered the room Pete started attacking Zach with fist after fist flying into his face. I yelled "Stop!" but it just meant a fist to my face after which I blacked out.

I woke hours later with my mother in tears and saying all sort of hurtful things about both Zach and myself.

This is among my most surpressed pieces of trauma in life so I can't remember the night too well. But I do remember the aftermath. Pete had attacked us and despite hitting me Mum was in full support of him, believing Zach to have been raping me. I was also in the shit for being a 'willing participant'. Zach ended up in the hospital that night and charges weren't pressed by either side due to the nature of the altercation. I had only a black eye. Zach had a cracked skull dislocated shoulder and massive bruising.

Life went on. Same as it had the months beforehand. I spent far more time with Dad and my sisters distanced themselves from Mum and Pete as well.

December came and it was thought best by all due to the difficult months experienced that I should live with Dad now and start high school next year near him. We had continued our play in the interim and by this point I felt I had forgiven him.

I saw Zach again that hot December. I was at the pool yet again for one last visit before Dad collected me and I moved to his place. Entering the toliet block I saw this friend just exiting. But he wasn't my friend anymore. He pushed me aside roughly on his way to the exit and said with a snarl, "Fuck off cunt! You ruined my life."

I was in tear for the rest of that day at the pool, in the car on the way to my new home and for most of the night. Dad tried his best to comfort me but I think he just couldn't do anything at that point. I feel asleep sleeping and woke up angry. Angry at Zach, angry at Pete, angry at Mum, angry at the world and I wanted revenge. I wanted to rebel.

And I did.

I went to the bathroom got a bottle of the slickest stuff I could find (conditioner.) I went to Dad's room where, as always, he was sleeping naked. I rubbed the conditioner into his dick making it stand at the full 20 cm [8 inch]. As he started to awake I was already straddling him and before either of us knew it I was on him and he was halfway into me. "Josh! What are you doing?" Dad exclaimed.

I gritted my teeth and replied, "What I want. Just make me cum."

And that was my first willing time with Dad. And he did make me cum (I had started shooting the previous month) and man did I enjoy the feeling. After I came Dad continue fucking and I started drooling with the feelings washing over me. When he finished I could feel the cum ooze out of me. I feel asleep that night cuddled into my father, dried cum on both of us, forgeting the pain that was the rest of life.

Epilogue (December 2003, with flashbacks)

It was almost two years to the day since I'd exacted revenge on the world. Mind you, my revenge had consisted of riding Dad to orgasm, not something most people knew about and hence the revenge was irrelevant. But it was relevant to me.

The world gave me so much pain over those two years. High school was tolerable, but moving cities meant new social circles and for a young teen that can be hell. I was smart which killed me socially in most groups but the small level of jockiness from swimming got me through those years.

Dad, however, was my constant. Despite the unsavoury start of our sexual relationship we had gotten into a rhythm where I had learnt to accept his form of 'love' and he was gentler. Our relationship was consummated almost every night.

Either his 20 cm [8 inch] dick would slide into me or he'd be finished by my mouth that became very accustomed to drawing pleasure from the male anatomy. The main difference that had been drawn from our new found relationship was that Dad also focused on my pleasure as well and I never felt any huge amounts of pain.

The healthy balance lasted 18 months. Luckily it wasn't my pain that occurred. It was Dad's.

Cancer took control of his system quickly leaving him weak and decrepit. He was diagnosed in August 2003 and he quickly faded. Our last time 'together' was in September. Dad was so weak he could barely keep it stiff but I still rode him trying to give his body the pleasure it was lacking. I tried and tried until after an hour Dad said softly, "Please stop, it's no good."

I rose up off him and embraced his light corpse of a body. Tears filled my eyes as the world came colliding to the fact that I was going to be without my only true friend in the world.

The months passed as I helped nurse my father. My sisters helped a bit but I was the main carer. I cleaned him, fed him and did everything else he needed. But of course it wasn't enough. In the early days of December, he passed on. Helen, my eldest sister, was with me as we sat watching his bed, his cold lifeless corpse beneath the sheets.

"He understood me," I whimpered.

"It's OK Josh we know it's tough."

"What am I meant to do now?"

"Live."

And so I did.

I made terrible decisions in my teen years regarding drugs and partners (often older.) But I pushed on through.

Throughout the years I just kept thinking that no matter my mistakes, no matter my poor choices, Dad would've understood. But he's gone now. He hurt me more than anything in this world, but in a way he also saves me every day by giving me something to strive towards. It's for that reason Dad is my hero.

The End