Slammr

Sander's Story

Chapters 9-11

Chapter 9
Sander – the conclusion

"I'm afraid not," said Matti.

I started crying. Through my tears, I saw tears begin to well up in Matti's eyes. "Don't cry, Sander. It'll all be okay. It won't change how I feel about you. I'll still love you, when you're a nullo."

He loves me! Matti said that he loved me. Other than from my father, I don't think that I've ever wanted to hear that so much from another person. I'd loved Matti since the first time I'd seen him. "You – you love me?"

"Of course I love you, Sander. Everyone that meets you falls in love with you. I'm certain Chris has. I did the first moment I saw you."

That's how I felt about Matti. "But – but why?"

"You're beautiful, Sander," he said, kissing the end of my nose and wiping the tears from my eyes, "but it's more than that – much more than that. You care about people, even about people who don't deserve your concern. You're intelligent, too." Then he added, smiling and winking as he did, "What's there not to love?"

"I was a slave for five years," Matti said. "During that time, I met many boys who had been nullified. Almost none of them wanted it at first, but after a few weeks as a nullo, most of them had adjusted to it. After six months, most said that they were glad they had been desexed."

"Chris says that he's glad it was done to him, but I don't understand how he can be. I like having a dick and balls, especially my dick. I like stroking it. Besides, I like to pee standing up. I don't want to have to squat like a girl."

"It's not so bad, Sander. Lots of times I'll sit down to pee."

"Yeah, maybe inside, but I'll bet you never do outside, and at least you have a choice. Chris doesn't. He has to squat no matter where he is."

"Listen to yourself, Sander. You're getting all hung up over such a little thing, whether you'll be able to stand to pee. After a few weeks you will of forgotten all about it. Squatting to pee will be just as natural as sitting down to take a dump."

"Well," I said, beginning to cry again, "it's not just that. It's like I just discovered my dick, and now everyone wants to cut it off. Before, I thought it was just for peeing. Until I came here, I didn't know how much fun it was to have a cock. I like sex. I like fucking and I like having my dick sucked. I just found out how good it feels, and now Ben wants to cut it off. My balls, too."

"I know," said Matti, "and I think that is cruel that they do it that way. They should nullify the boys as soon as they bring them on to the island, so they don't know what they're going miss, but I guess it wouldn't be so exciting to castrate a boy if he doesn't know what he's about to lose. First they teach you to love your cock, then they cut it off. Still, in the long run, most boys are glad they have been nullified."

"Yeah, you can say that. You still have yours. You don't really know what it's like to be a nullo."

"No, but Chris does. Talk to Chris. He'll tell you that he likes being a nullo."

"But, he has no choice. He is a nullo, and has been for so long that I don't think he really remembers what it was like to have a dick. I guess if they cut mine off, I'll say I like it, too. I think they brainwash the kids into believing they like being nullos."

"Would you want to be like all the men come to the island, who are ruled by their cocks – by that testosterone that their balls make? Look at all the money, time, and energy they waste chasing after sex. That'll never happen to you. Don't you realize how free that will make you?"

I was becoming confused. What Matti said made sense. Chris had said much the same thing, and I didn't want to be like that client who fucked Timmy on the beach in front of everybody. I liked sex, but felt that it should be done in private with someone you loved. That guy didn't love Timmy. He was just a hole to stick his cock in. He wanted to fuck me, and would have in front of Timmy, even if it had broken the little guy's heart. No, I wouldn't want to be like the the men who came to the island, not even like Ben – or like my father.

"Why don't you get nullified, then?" I guess I was asking the question a little out of spite. I certainly didn't want Matti to be nullified. I liked his cock. I liked having it in my boy pussy. I guess if one of us had to lose his cock it would be better if it were me. I could do little more than tickle Matti's hole with mine, I loved having his up my ass. Yeah, I liked my dick, but I loved Matti's.

"Do you think I'm like the others?" asked Matti.

"Well, no," I said.

"I don't think I could ever become like them. Maybe it's because I was a slave for five years myself. I know what it feels like to be treated as a sex object. I could never do that myself."

"But if it is so great to be a nullo, why don't you want to be one?"

"It's too late for me. I've already been through puberty Boy juices, flowing from my balls, have already changed me. Besides, I know what it's like to come. I don't want to give it up. You wouldn't understand, because you can't do it. I know you have orgasms, but it's not altogether the same. For the last couple of years my climaxes have been centered around my dick. I don't know whether I could still have them any other way. I would hate to have my dick and balls cut off and then find out I couldn't have an orgasm."

"What about me?" I asked. "What if I can't have an orgasm after I'm nullified?"

"When do you have your best orgasm, when you stroke your dick or when I fuck your boy pussy?"

I didn't really have to think about it. The orgasms I had when I stroked my cock were beach break. The ones I had when Matti fucked me were tsunamis. When I didn't answer, he said, "They're better when I fuck you, aren't they?" I nodded my head.

"That won't change, then. Neither your dick or your balls have anything to do with that orgasm. Your balls aren't making any boy juices yet. They play no part in any of your orgasms, but mine play a big part in mine. It would change me to have my balls cut off. I would become a different person. I guess I'd still be me, but I'd be different."

"It won't change you to have your balls cut off. Just the opposite, it'll keep you from changing. It'll keep you the same sweet kid you are now. I might want to keep my balls now, but if I were your age, I would willingly give them up. Puberty is Hell. I wouldn't want to go through it again."

I still wasn't convinced. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad. I wasn't particularly in love with my balls. They were kind of weird, the way they hung in a sack below my dick, and it sure as hell hurt when they were hit. Mostly, they were just in the way. "Do you think Ben would agree to just cut off my balls and let me keep my dick?"

"I doubt it. He never has before. He likes for his slaves to be nullos."

"But, he let you keep yours."

"Yeah, I'm the only one he ever has."

"Why? Why did he let you keep yours?"

"It's a long story, and I don't have time for it right now. I'm already late for an appointment with Ben, and he'll be pissed if I keep him waiting. Call up Chris. I'm sure he'd like to come over."

Matti gave me a kiss, a quick one which just caught the corner of my mouth, then hurried out the door. I wondered whether he really had an appointment with Ben, or whether he just didn't want tell me why Ben had let him keep his cock and balls. Anyway, I didn't want to sit in my room by myself, so I called up Chris and invited him over.

"What's up?" he said, when he walked into my room. Maybe it was the look on my face. I was still wondering about Matti, why Ben had let him keep his cock and balls.

"Not much," I said, then I lost it. I started crying again. "I'm scared, Chris. I don't want to become a nullo."

"Hey, I didn't want to become one either. Most kids don't. But, I like it now. I wouldn't want to have a dick and balls and be led around by them like all the men that come to the island. They are the real slaves – slaves to their cocks and their balls. I like sex, but I wouldn't want to need it like they do."

"Doesn't it hurt when they're cut off?"

"Yeah," said Chris, gazing off in the distance, possibly remembering when his were cut off. "It hurts – a lot."

"Why don't they give you a shot or something to keep it from hurting? I know they could if they wanted to."

"It's all part of the ceremony. It's got to hurt. The more the boy screams, the more those watching get off on it. They give you something right away, though, so it doesn't hurt for long."

I felt myself getting a stiffy. I don't know why, but thinking about having my dick cut off made it hard. When I covered it with my hand, Chris laughed and said, "That happens all the time. Kids don't want to have their wieners cut off, but it gets hard when they think about it. That's another reason I'm glad I don't have a pecker. No one knows whether I'm turned on or not. It only takes a glance at your pecker to see whether you are."

I tried to will it down, telling it to shrink, but it stood straight out, jerking up and down. "Come on," said Chris, pulling me down onto the bed. "No need to waste it."

He raised his legs, guiding my little dick into his boy pussy. I knew my cock wasn't much, tiny compared to those of the men who had fucked him. Still, he moaned as I pumped it into his hole. I think he climaxed. I know I did, not a tsunami, but more than beach break. We lay wrapped in each other's arms. I could feel his breath on my cheek.

Maybe I didn't love him as much as I loved Matti, but it was close. I'd had friends before, but none like Matti and Chris. Of course, I'd never fucked any of them. Until I came to the island, I didn't even know one boy could do it to another boy.

The world had become a different place, turned upside down. I had always looked to my father for protection, but he had sold me into slavery. Money was more important to him than I was. Now, I was going to have my balls cut off. I would never have a son of my own. I would never be the father I wanted mine to be. My father's line ended with me. And, he didn't care. He had the money. That was more important to him than grandsons – or me.

After Chris left, I lay in bed rubbing my dick, wondering what it would be like to be smooth like Chris. A little boy's dick, mine wasn't much, but I liked having it. I didn't want to have cut off. Besides, it would hurt, maybe like Chris said, not for long, but it would hurt. That scared me. I couldn't stand pain.

I wasn't sure I wanted to be a slave anyway. I liked making love to Matti and Chris, but I wasn't sure I wanted to do it with a client. Matti's body was hard and smooth. Many of them were fat and hairy. It was one thing to have someone that you loved fuck you. It was another to have someone fuck you just because he liked your boy pussy.

Besides, was a nullo still a boy? Being a nullo would be forever. While I might be accepted on the island, what about afterward? Wouldn't I be some kind of freak? I'd sure never seen a nullo before coming to the island. I remembered the first time I'd seen one here, how shocked I'd been.

What would it be like in school afterward? In PE, the other boys would see that I had no dick or balls. I know they would laugh at me and tease me.

I kept rubbing my dick. Pretty soon I came. I shuddered and thrust my hips forward trying to ram my little cock into my fist. Nothing came out of it, of course, but it felt good. I'd seen Matti shoot his wad. I wanted some day to be able to do it, too. That's when I decided I didn't want to become a nullo. Ben had let Matti keep his sex. Maybe he would let me keep mine, too. I got up off my bed and went to look for him.

I found him in his office. "Hello, Sander," he said when I walked into the room. "Matti tells me your training is coming along great. He says you'll be ready soon."

"Does that mean you'll cut me soon?

"Actually, Sander, you're scheduled for next Saturday."

"No!" I shouted, "I don't want to become a nullo. You let Matti keep his sex. Why do you have to desex me?"

"You knew when he signed the contract that it would probably happen."

"Yeah, but I didn't know anything about sex then. I didn't know how good it felt."

"Sander, I bought you so I could cut you. I would have never paid so much money otherwise. I'm going to lose money on you anyway. No client will pay so much. I bought you because you're beautiful. I want to preserve that beauty. I can only do that by cutting off your balls, and without your balls, you don't need your dick. A smooth crotch is beautiful. Your cock would mar that beauty."

"But," I asked, "what does it matter to you whether I stay beautiful or not?"

"I started out," Ben answered, "in this business to make money, and I have, a lot of money. It's no longer about money. I have more than I can never spend, but somewhere along the way, I found that I enjoyed nullifying boys, the more beautiful the boy, the more I enjoyed it. You're beautiful, Sander, the most beautiful boy I've ever seen. For that reason, I expect to enjoy nullifying you more than I have all the others combined. In some ways, you're my crowning achievement."

I thought all the time that Ben was just in it for the money. I hadn't realized that he was no different from the clients, another perverted asshole that got off on neutering and fucking little boys. Of course, my dad was no different. If he hadn't been saving me for Ben, he would've probably fucked me himself.

"I want my contract back. I don't want to be a slave."

"It's a little late for that, Sander. You signed the contract. I've already deposited the money into your trust fund."

"I'll give it back."

"What about your father? Do you think he would give his back as well?"

I hadn't thought about that. My father needed the money. No, I don't guess he would give it back. He probably didn't even miss me. As if reading my mind, Ben said, "Besides, even if he gave it back, what would you be going back to, poverty and a father that resented you for taking away the one chance he had?"

"If I give you back my money and serve out my contract as a slave, will you let me keep my boy parts then?"

Ben thought for a minute. "That's a lot of money, Sander, enough to make you wealthy for life. Is your dick and balls really worth that much money to you? Matti tells me that you like for him to fuck you. He says you even have orgasms. You don't need your dick or balls for that. Hell, Sander, your balls aren't doing anything for you yet. You wouldn't even miss them. Actually, I think you'd find a nice not having them hang down in the way. Just think. It wouldn't hurt to get hit down there like it does now."

"Yeah, but I like having my dick. I like to have it sucked. It feels good. Besides, I want to be able to to go through puberty and to be able to come like Matti does. I want to be able to shoot a wad like other boys. I don't want to be some nullo freak. Maybe I want to have kids of my own someday."

"Talk to Chris. He likes being a nullo."

"I've talked to Chris. I think you guys have just brainwashed him into thinking he likes it. Besides, how would he know? He'll never know what it's like to shoot a wad. At least let me keep mine until after puberty. Maybe I'll decide to let you cut them off then ."

"Puberty would ruin you, Sander. You'd grow hair around your cock, under your arms, and on your lip. You'd be an adolescent, not a beautiful boy. It would give me no pleasure to nullify you then. I probably wouldn't even bother to do it myself."

"Will you do it, though? Will you take my money and let me keep my boy parts?"

"If that's what you really want. I've never forced a boy into a contract; but I think you're making a mistake. One day you'll wish you had the money. All your dick and balls will ever bring you is heartache."

I signed the papers allowing Ben to withdraw the money from my account, then went to tell Matti and Chris. I found Chris first. He was waiting for me in my room. "Chris," I said, "Ben's not going to nullify me. He's going to let me keep my boy parts."

Chris's mouth dropped open and he stared at me for a minute. "Ben's going to let you keep your boy parts? What made him decide to do that?"

"I gave him back my money."

"You gave them back your money? You idiot! You got twice as much money as I did – and you gave it back? You're not going to stay? You're going back home? You not going to be a slave?"

"No, I'm staying. I'm still going to be a slave; I just get to keep my boy parts."

"You gave up that much money just to keep your cock and balls? What good are they anyway? I'm glad I don't have mine."

"I think you've just been brainwashed into thinking that."

"No, you're wrong. You think I'd want to be like the clients, led around by my dick, a slave to my balls? At least in a few years I'll be free – and I'll be rich. Then, I'll have sex only what I want to have it, and only with those I want to have it with. I'll control sex. It won't control me."

Maybe Chris really did like being a nullo. Much of what he said made sense. I didn't want to be like the clients, but what about Matti? He had his dick and balls and he wasn't like the clients. Why couldn't I be like Matti? "Matti is not like the clients," I said, "he kept his boy parts. What makes you think I won't be like him?"

"You fool!" Don't you know why Ben let him keep his?"

"I guess because he wanted to keep them."

"Then you don't know Ben at all. If he'd wanted to keep them, Ben would have just wanted to cut them off that much more. He let Matti keep them because Matti didn't want them. Matti wanted to be a nullo. He never wanted to go through puberty. He became a slave so he'd have them cut off."

"Why doesn't he have them cut off now then?"

"It's too late," said Chris. "He's already gone through puberty. That's what he was trying to avoid. If he had it done now he would just be ball-less, dick-less, adolescent. He wouldn't be a true nullo like I am. He would rather keep his dick and balls than be that."

We were still talking when Matti walked in. "He gave back his money," Chris told him.

"He what?"

"Sander gave back his money so he could keep his boy parts."

A look of horror came over Matti's face. "Why did you do that, Sander?" he asked.

"I like them. I wanted to keep mine like you did."

"But I never wanted mine. I hate them"

"I know. Chris just told me. But if you don't want them, why don't you get them cut off?"

"What would I do then, Sander? I didn't like for clients to fuck me. Maybe, if I'd been a nullo, it would've been different. Maybe they treated me differently because I had boy parts, but – no matter – I don't like it. I don't like being fucked and I don't like sucking cock."

"But you sucked my cock."

"That's different," said Matti, "yours is just a little boy dick. You can't shoot. Besides, I knew you were supposed to be cut next Saturday. It excited me to think about that. I wanted to be the last person to ever suck your cock, before you got it cut off. That turned me on."

"You can still fuck me even though I still have my boy parts."

"No I couldn't, Sander. I wouldn't have even been able to get it up, if I hadn't thought you were going to be nullified. The thought of you with an adult cock and balls – with hair – makes me want to puke. I love you, Sander, but I can't continue to love you if you keep your boy parts. I can only make love to a nullo – or does someone I know is about to become one."

Matti turned and walked from the room. I couldn't forget the look of revulsion I'd seen on his face.

"You can still have sex with me," said Chris. "It'll be years yet before you hit puberty, besides I like big cocks. I like for Matti to fuck me."

"Matti fucks you?"

"You didn't know?"

"He's my trainer. I thought he just fucked me."

"He might be your trainer, but you're not a nullo. I am. He likes doing it with a nullo."

"You really think he won't love me if I keep my boy parts?"

"If you keep your boy parts, I doubt he'll even speak to you."

"What you mind leaving me alone for a while?" I asked. "I have some things I need to think about."

Chris kissed me on the cheek, then left.

I lay back on my bed – looked down at my dick and my balls. Were they worth it? Were they worth not only losing all that money, but Matti, too? I suddenly realized that Matti's love was more important to me than anything. What good were my boy parts to me, if I couldn't have him?

I'd only wanted them because I'd thought it would please him. I thought he wanted to suck my cock and have me fuck him as much as I liked sucking his and having him fuck me. But he hated my boy parts. If he hated them, I didn't want them either.

I went back to Ben's office. He didn't seem happy to see me. "What is it now, Sander?" he said.

"I've changed my mind. I want you to nullify me."

"What changed your mind?"

"I had a talk with Matti and Chris. They convinced me it was the right thing to do."

"If you decide to do it now, there's no going back. You won't be able to change your mind again."

"I won't. I'll go through with it."

"This Saturday? As planned?" asked Ben.

Without thinking, I reached down cupping my boy parts with my hand. I was frightened. I was afraid it would hurt. But if losing them meant I could have Matti, then I wanted Ben to cut them off. "Yes. You can cut them off on Saturday. Do I get my money back?"

"You've voided that contract, but I'll draw up another one – say, at half the price?"

"Half the price!"

"Hey. I'm a businessman, Sander. Take it or leave it."

I signed the contract. What else could I do? My indecision had cost me over Cr 1 million. I was still going to get my boy parts cut off, but for a lot less money.

Chris was happy to learn that I was going to become a nullo like him. "You'll like it," he said. "Sure, it'll hurt some when you're cut, and it'll seem strange at first not to have a pecker, but you get used to it. Pretty soon, you'll forget what it was like to even have one."

I kept expecting Matti to come by, certain he'd heard about my decision. But he didn't. All too soon, Saturday arrived. I'll never forget what was like to walk out into the arena and look up to see all the clients and slaves who had come to watch me get cut. They cheered when they brought me out. Chris was there. He smiled and flashed me an OK sign, as if to say, "everything will be all right." I looked for Matti but I didn't see him anywhere. Was I doing it for nothing?

They strapped me down and swabbed my crotch with some kind of liquid. Then I heard more cheering. When I looked around I saw Ben come into the arena. Matti was with him. I thought he looked a little sick. "Hello, Sander," Ben said. "Are you ready?"

I nodded – I wasn't ready – but it was too late to back out now.

"I'm not going to cut you," said Ben, "Matti is."

"I'm sorry, Sander," said Matti. "I don't want to do it. After I nullified that other boy, I told myself I'd never do it again, but Ben said that was the only way he would let you be cut; and I want you to be cut. Can you forgive me, if I'm the the one that cuts you?"

"It's all right, Matti. I want you to do it. I'm glad it's going to be you that nullifies me."

"It's going to hurt. They won't give you anything for the pain until it's over. It's part of the ritual. They want to hear you scream. But it won't hurt long. Right after I cut them off, I'll splash on a liquid that will take away the pain."

I smiled at him. "It's OK."

He turned his back. I saw him pick up a small knife off a table. Holding it in one hand, he said, "I'll make it quick."

But it wasn't quick. It seemed to take forever. I'd told myself I wouldn't scream, but I did. I screamed so loud and so long that my throat was sore the next day. As part of the ritual, he had to cut off my nut sack first, then cut off my balls one at a time, pulling them first, stretching the cords, as far as he could, before slicing through them. Only after they lay on the tray along with my nut sack did he cut off my dick. At least, then, it was over. He splashed on the liquid, stopping both the bleeding and the pain.

The ritual over, I was taking to the hospital, where doctors finished my nullification, removing the base of my cock and relocating my pee hole. At the time, I had a catheter in it, but soon, I'd have to sit to pee like Chris.

Both Matti and Chris came to see me in the hospital. "Do you hate me, Sander?" Matti asked.

"No. I'm glad you're the one who cut me."

"But are you glad to be a nullo?"

"Yes, I'm glad." I wasn't really sure I was, but I was a nullo. There was no going back. I would never go through puberty. I would never shoot a wad, but I would have Matti. That was more important to me than having a dick and balls.

Within a week, I was completely healed. I ran my hand over my crotch, amazed at how smooth it felt. I even had an orgasm, by rubbing the area around my pee hole. Maybe I really didn't need a dick and balls.

The first night I was back in my room, Matti came to me. Over and over, he made love to me, filling my boy pussy with his come. I don't know how many orgasms he had, and I lost count of mine. I'm glad I was nullified. That one night was worth it, and – from the look on Matti's face afterward – I'm sure there will be many more.

Chapter 10
Sander's First Client

Three weeks after I was nullified Ben sent word for me to come to his office. When I arrived, he had me sit down in a chair in front of his desk. "Well, Sander," he said, "being a nullo isn't so bad, is it?"

"No 3; I don't really feel any different. I kind of miss my wiener though. I keep reaching for it when I have to pee, and nothing is there. It's sorta nice not having balls though. I don't ever have to worry about getting punched in them. And I kinda like the smooth feel of my crotch."

"So, are you glad we did it to you, then?"

"I wouldn't go that far. I'd still rather have my boy parts, but if I had them, I couldn't have Matti, and I'd rather have Matti than my boy parts."

"Well, give it a little more time, and I think you'll be glad that you're a nullo."

I was glad I was a nullo, but only because I would've lost Matti if I still had my boy parts. The last two weeks had been fantastic. He'd spent every night with me, making love to me several times each night, although not as many as on that first night.

I loved having Matti's dick in my boy pussy. I really hadn't had a chance to miss the orgasms I'd had from rubbing my dick. The ones Matti had given me had driven any thought of them from my mind.

Chris and I had played around some, too, but it's kind of hard for two nullos to get each other off; although I did have an orgasm once when he licked my pee hole. Mostly we just cuddled and kissed.

"The reason I called you in here today, Sander, is that I have something for you."

Ben had something for me? I wondered what could be. He opened one of his desk drawers, reached in, and took something out. It was a green collar. "Your training is over, Sander. You're a full-fledged slave now."

He keyed a remote-control device and my collar unsnapped from my neck. I noticed the gold stripes in it, the ones indicating I wasn't available for use by clients. The new collar was solid green. Picking it up from the desk, he snapped around my neck. "Does – does this mean that any client can have me now?"

"Any client that is willing to pay. You – Sander my boy – are an expensive little slut."

I knew the this day would come some day; I just hadn't counted on its being so soon. I liked being fucked – at least I liked being fucked by Matti. Other than that one time Ben had jacked me off, I'd only made love to Matti and Chris. Matti's dick was the only one I've ever had in my boy pussy.

"When – when do I have my first client?"

"Tomorrow you'll have your first client – a very special client as you'll see."

"Who?"

"You'll have to wait to see, but you're going to be a busy kid. You're booked solid for months to come."

"You mean someone's going to be fucking me every night?"

"Oh, no. Unless you're engaged long term – say for a week or a month – you'll have one free night each week. You can do what ever you want that night – just as long as you don't leave the island."

"What about Matti? Do I still get to see Matti?"

"Matti's no longer your trainer, Sander. That phase of your life is over. I've hired Matti to train another boy."

Matti training another boy? If he trained him, that meant he had to fuck him. I was jealous when I learned that Matti was fucking Chris – and I loved Chris. But Matti fucking another boy – a stranger? What if he fell in love with him? I'd given up my boy parts for Matti. If I lost him, it would've been for nothing.

Ben interrupted my thoughts. "I know it upset you that you didn't get as much money when we rewrote your contract, but you can earn it all back – and more. Just treat the clients right. A grateful client will give you a tip. Your collar is equipped with a card reader. Your client can transfer money directly from his credit card to your bank account. Treat them well; you won't regret it."

I heard Ben, but I wasn't really paying him that much attention. I thought about Matti – and I wondered about my first client. Why was Ben being so mysterious?

"But," Ben continued, "be sure to satisfy your clients. If you don't, you won't be worth much – beautiful or not – and I'll have to sell you to a brothel. There you would have to service 15 or 20 clients each night."

Fifteen or twenty clients a night! And I bet they wouldn't tip either. I guess I really didn't have any choice. I would have to keep my clients happy. I think I made Matti happy. I know he was my trainer, but I don't think he was faking it. He said he loved me. I hope that wasn't a lie.

"Well, that's all," said Ben. "Your client will arrive at 10 o'clock tomorrow morning. You have the rest of the night off."

I ran back to my room, hoping to find Matti, but found a note from him instead. "Sander," it said, "Ben has assigned me a new trainee. I hoped to see you first, but you weren't here. I don't know when I get to see you again. Both of us are going to be busy – you probably more than me. I'll come see you whenever I can. I'm going to miss you. I love you. Love, Matti."

Sitting down on my bed, I buried my face in my hands and cried. I missed Matti already. At least he said he loved me. It wasn't much, but it was something.

I called Chris, intending to invite him over, but he was engaged by a client for the night. I could've gone to a movie or to the rec room where slaves hangout when they're not busy, but – other than Matti or Chris – I really didn't want to be around anyone else. I had too much to think about – Matti's training another boy and my having my first client the next day.

It didn't seem like I slept at all at night. Previously, I'd fallen asleep – exhausted – after making love to Matti. Sometimes – when he entered me from the rear – I'd fall asleep with his dick still in my ass, his face next to mine, and his arms wrapped around me. My bed was empty without him. I ached for his touch. Lonely, I cried – off and on – throughout the night.

I must've fallen asleep, though, because I woke up to the buzz of my alarm. I'd set it for eight o'clock. My client was coming at ten, and I wanted to get myself plenty of time to get ready.

It was hard to keep secrets on the island; so I was certain everyone knew I was going to have my first client. For that reason, I decided to have breakfast in my room. Even if the other boys didn't tease me about it, I would see their smirks and catch their knowing looks.

After breakfast, I had to report to the nurse for a checkup and an enema. My boy pussy had to be clean for my client.

Ready, I reported to the apartment assigned to my client, wondering what he would be like. I hoped he wouldn't be fat and hairy like many of the clients. I was scared and not looking forward to my first client at all. I rang the doorbell.

After a moment, the door opened. I received one of the biggest shocks of my life – easily equal to that of seeing a nullo for the first time. The man, answering the door, was my dad. After a brief hesitation, I rushed to him, throwing my arms around him. "Dad," I said, "I'm so glad to see you. Did you come to take me home?"

A few days before I wouldn't have wanted to go home, but then I had Matti. Ben had told me I was booked for months in advance with clients. It would be they, not Matti, who would be fucking me. That being the case, I'd rather be at home with my dad.

Instead of answering me, my dad pushed me away, saying, "Let me look at you, Sander."

I was suddenly shy. The last time my dad seen me, I'd had all my boy parts. I'd still been his son. What was I now? I wasn't a boy any longer. I had no dick or balls. I was a nullo – an it. Of its own, my hand dropped to my crotch covering it.

"Move your hand. I want to see. You didn't see me, but I was in the arena when you were cut."

My dad was there when Matti cut me? I didn't know what to think about that. How could he sit there and watch while someone cut off his son's boy parts? How could any father watch his son be nullified?

"Did you come to take me home?" I asked again.

"No, Sander. You're a slave now. You have a contract. It's for four years."

"Four years? I thought it was for only two."

"The first contract you signed was for two years, but the second was for four years at half the money. That was really foolish of you, Sander, voiding out that first contract. I had negotiated with Ben to get you the best possible deal; then you blew it."

"But I didn't want to have my boy parts cut off." I still had my hand over my empty crotch, more conscious than ever that I was a nullo. Couldn't he understand that I had wanted to grow up to be a man like him? Now I wouldn't. I would never become a man.

He pulled my hand away. "They did a good job," he said. "I can barely see the scar. It's almost as if you'd been born that way."

I was embarrassed. On the island, I had almost accepted being a nullo. Here, I was just one of many – one of a huge majority of the boys on the island. Practically the only slaves who still had their boy parts were slaves in training; and they probably wouldn't have theirs much longer. I had seen one or two slaves whose masters had let them keep their boy parts; also, some who just had their dicks, and a few who had balls, but no wieners. Most of the boys, though, were nullos like me. They didn't look at me like I was a freak, because if I was a freak, they were, too.

My dad wasn't part of the world of the island, though. He was from the outside world where boys still had their dicks and their balls. Did he look at me like I was a freak, now? The look in his eyes was one I'd never seen before when he'd looked at me.

"You're hot, Sander," he said.

That's when I noticed the bulge in his pants. "What are you doing here, Dad," I asked.

"Why I'm your first client. Didn't you know? Didn't Ben tell you? I arranged it with Ben. That was part of the deal. I wanted to be your first man – oh, I know your trainer fucked you, but he's just a boy. I'll be your first real man."

"You – you want to fuck me?"

"I've always wanted you, Sander, but it wouldn't have been right while you still had your genitals – not while you were still my son."

"But, I'm still your son."

"Well 3; you're still my blood-but, you're no longer really a boy; are you? They took that from you. If you're not a boy, then you can't be my son – not in the strictest sense, anyway."

"You don't love me any longer?"

"Oh, Sander, I love you." He licked his lips. "Maybe more than before."

"But, you no longer love me like a father?"

"I don't want you to think of me as your dad. I want you to think of me as a friend – a lover. Don't call me 'Dad.' Call me 'Jimmy'."

His words tore my heart out. At that moment, my dad was dead to me – just as his son, Sander, was dead to him; and my love for him died as well. I had lost everything. I had lost Matti – he was training another boy – I had lost my boyhood, and I had lost my father. The man standing in front of me was nothing more than a client, a man interested solely in what I had – or didn't have – between my legs.

"What would you have me do, Master?" I said.

Without another word, he took my hand, leading me into the bedroom. When we got there, he said, "Undress me, slave."

I noticed he said, 'slave', not 'Sander'. That was OK with me. He was 'Master' not 'Dad'. I would be a good slave – just as Matti had taught me.

First, I unbuckled his belt, then unzipped his fly and let his pants drop down around his ankles. His cock was hard, making a little tent out of his underwear. After he stepped out of his pants, I pulled down his underwear, revealing his cock. It slapped against his belly when it slipped free of his underwear. It was only the second time I'd seen it hard. The other time was when he had fucked Chris.

I remembered that I'd been jealous of the attention he was paying Chris. I'd thought then that I had wanted him to fuck me, but that's not what I'd wanted. I'd just wanted him to love me – to pay some attention to me for a change. Now that he was, I didn't want it.

He was a handsome man, muscular and well hung – too well hung. His cock was the least 7 inches [18 cm] long and much thicker than Matti's, whose cock was only about 5 inches [12½ cm] long. At least Matti had stretched out my boy pussy with dildos. Otherwise, I think my dad's cock would have ripped me apart.

Sitting down on the bed, he took off his shirt. Other then a little hair in the center of his chest and some around his nipples, he had no chest hair. He did have a thick scrub of hair above his cock, though.

His cock was throbbing and leaking moisture from its hole. "Suck it," he said.

I'd sucked Matti's cock, but his wasn't so big around. Since I wasn't sure I could get my mouth around my dad's, I began by licking it, first around the rim of its head; then I licked its eye, tasting his moisture as I did. It seemed to have a sharper taste than Matti's did – a little more bitter – but that could have my imagination..

Next I took the head of his dick into my mouth. He moaned, then grabbed the hair on the back of my head, shoving his pecker farther into my mouth.

I gagged. My teeth were scraping his cock, but he seemed not to feel it. He thrust his hips trying to shove it in farther, but it was already hitting the back of my throat. It wouldn't go in any more. I had learned how to take Matti's down my throat, but my dad's too big.

He shuddered, screaming, "Oh – oh." I felt his hot spunk hit the back of my throat. I could taste it in my mouth – my own father's come – the same stuff that – combining with my mother's egg – had made me. Now – instead of into my mother's vagina – he was shooting it into my mouth.

My mother had died when I was born, so I never knew her, and never knowing her, hadn't missed her – until now. Perhaps – if she'd lived – I would have grown up like other boys – would still have my boy parts. I doubt that many mothers would let their sons become neutered slaves.

I was an orphan, now. I had no mother or father. This man was my client – my master for as long a time as he was willing to pay.

He had paid for the day and the night, and having paid, he got his money's worth. I came when he fucked me, but I think that was because that's how my body had been trained to react to being fucked, because I felt no feeling for him. I retreated to some place deep within my thoughts – someplace where he didn't exist – someplace where there were no masters and slaves – someplace where little boys weren't mutilated to satisfy some adult's sexual desire – someplace where I didn't have to feel. I wasn't sure I'd ever feel anything again.

When I left in the morning, I asked him for a tip. He said, "Sander, I'm your father. I shouldn't have to tip you."

So, now he's my father – when he thinks it'll save him some money. I turned and walked away, not even glancing back over my shoulder when I heard him call to me. His time was up. If he wanted anything else from me, he'd have to make another appointment.

Chapter 11
Sander's Rehabilitation

—1—

It wasn't that Sander was rude to his clients – he wasn't. He did whatever he was told, satisfying any sexual perversion his client might have. He just never showed any enthusiasm – never led any client to believe that he loved him; and that's what most of the clients – other than those who simply wanted to dominate a weaker person – wanted, the illusion of love.

It was a mistake, Ben realized now, to allow Sander's father, Jimmy, to be Sander's first client. Ben had read Sander wrongly. He had thought that the boy wanted his father – wanted to have him fuck him. He was certain that Sander had been jealous when his father had fucked Chris. He had thought that pairing Sander with Jimmy would be a good way to wean him away from Matti.

It hadn't worked out that way. The kid now showed little enthusiasm for anything, spending most of his free time in his room by himself. At first he called Chris to invite him over, but now that Sander's training was over, Chris was back on a regular schedule, and – a popular little slut – he was usually busy with a client. Ben couldn't take such a productive little slave out of circulation simply to mollify Sander.

Ben hadn't met with Sander. He didn't think a pep talk would do any good. He had observed Sander, though, in his room and when he'd been with clients. Unbeknownst to both clients and slaves there was no place on San Carlos Island that wasn't observed by hidden cameras.

If the boy had less potential – if he wasn't so beautiful – it would have been a simple choice. Ben would have sold him to a brothel, where the clients – caring nothing about the illusion of love – were only looking for a good fuck; and Sander was a good fuck. He'd probably do well in a brothel. On San Carlos Island, though, the clients wanted more. They wanted to think that their money was buying love as well as sex; and at Cr 50,000 a pop, Ben was obligated to deliver that illusion.

Of course, he could sell Sander to Lester DelRay, who had offered the full original purchase price for the boy. Since Ben had renegotiated Sander's contract for half that amount, he could double the money he'd paid for the boy; and DelRay wouldn't care whether Sander loved him or not. DelRay was into fear – not love.

Disliking DelRay, a sadistic monster who enjoyed tormenting his slaves, Ben usually refused to do business with the man; but Ben was a business man. By selling Sander to DelRay, he could double his money. If he sold the kid to a brothel, he would lose money.

Picking up his phone, Ben was about to call DelRay, but he called Matti instead. Perhaps the kid could be rehabilitated; and if he could be, Matti was the one who could do it.

Allowing Matti to keep his genitals had been one of the best decisions Ben had made with a kid. He was an excellent trainer, convincing his trainees to desire nullification and teaching them to enjoy sex. Ben wished he could say that was the reason he'd let the boy keep his sex, but it wasn't. The boy had wanted to be nullified. That was the reason he'd sold himself into slavery – that and the money, of course.

Nullifying a boy who wanted it from the first, wouldn't have been much of an achievement. For that reason, Ben had refrained from nullifying Matti, forcing him to go through puberty.

Free now, the boy could have chosen to be nullified, but he couldn't be a trainer if he was – and Ben paid him well to train new slaves. Besides, he had already passed puberty. It was too late to avoid that; and Ben knew that he enjoyed fucking his soon to be nullified trainees – the last one to fuck them while they still had their genitals.

—2—

Look what had happened to him. He'd gone through puberty and now he was a slave to his cock and to the testosterone that his balls produced. Although he told himself he wasn't like the clients, he knew he really was. He liked fucking the new slaves, and he liked convincing them to have their boy parts cut off.

For some reason, he'd never had an orgasm until he'd passed puberty, and then it'd only been when his cock had been manipulated in some manner. He'd never come when a client had fucked him while he was a slave. If he gave up his cock and balls, he knew he would be giving up orgasms, too; and he wasn't willing to give them up. He enjoyed spurting his come too much.

It was an addiction, not unlike that of heroin, but just as a drug addict was unwilling to forgo the pleasure heroin produced, Matti was unwilling to give up the pleasure his orgasms produced, because his orgasms weren't just a twinge in his groin. They washed over him. Every cell in his body seemed to have its own orgasm. He lost himself in them. It was a feeling he couldn't give up, even though he still hated the sight of his cock and balls.

He thought a smooth groin on a boy was beautiful. Sometimes – when alone – he tucked his cock and balls between his legs and looked at himself in the mirror, to see what he would look like if he were nullified – but he'd been doing that for as long as he could remember, wanting for all that time to rid himself of the protrusions hanging from his crotch.

Besides Sander, Matti had nullified his last two trainees as well. Although he'd hated having to do Randal, that boy hadn't been one of his trainees. When he nullified one of his trainees, it was as if he were cutting off his own genitals – as if, by cutting. them he was nullifying himself, too.

When he'd cut the last boy, he'd come, spurting all over the boy. It had been embarrassing – to shoot in front of all those people – and the orgasm had incapacitated him for a moment, delaying his finishing the cut; but the crowd had loved it. Many of the clients had come alone with him, masturbating while he castrated the kid.

"Do you really love me?" asked Robert.

"Of course I love you. You're beautiful, intelligent and kind. What's there not to love?" Matti said, kissing Robert on the nose. And he did love him, just as he had loved Sander and the others. While he was with a trainee, he loved him – above all others. After all, the boy was about to give up his genitals for him. Wasn't that an ultimate expression of love? For Matti's love, the boy was willing to give up being a boy. How could Matti not return such devotion? Once the boy had been cut, though, Matti's began thinking about the next one – the next boy who was still a boy, but would give up being a boy for Matti.

Matti felt his collar vibrate, indicating an incoming call. Although free, he wore a collar – that of a free boy, red with gold stripes indicating he was a member of the staff. "Yes," he said sub-vocally.

Through an implant behind his ear, Matti heard, "This is Ben. Come see me in my office as soon as you can get free."

"An hour?" asked Matti.

"That'll be fine, but no later – OK?"

"OK," said Matti, terminating the connection.

"What is it?" asked Robert.

"What do you mean?" said Matti.

"You seemed distracted – like you weren't here." Other than the distracted look on Matti's face, Robert hadn't been aware the call. He had heard neither end of the conversation.

"Oh, it's nothing. Just a passing thought. Now, where were we?"

"I-I thought we were going to make love," Robert said, looking down at Matti's dick. A moment before it had been hard. Now, it hung limply from his crotch.

"We are."

"But, you're not hard anymore." Distracted by Ben's call, Matti's erection had subsided.

"I'll bet you can make me hard."

"How?"

Matti told Robert how he could make him hard. It didn't take much. They made love and, leaving Robert asleep on his bed, Matti went to see Ben.

—3—

"I have another little job for you."

"But, I'm in the middle of training Robert. It'll be at least two or three more weeks before he'll be ready."

"This is just something on the side. You don't have to interrupt your training of Robert. I need your help with Sander."

"Sander? What's up with Sander?" Matti hadn't seen him since he'd received his solid green collar, that of a slave out of training.

"He's not doing well. Few clients want him a second time. Some have even asked for their money back."

"Hey, I trained him well. He knew how to satisfy a client – no matter what he wanted."

"He goes through the motions – just not enthusiastically. He's like a little robot that's been programmed, with no more emotion than a machine. That's not what our clients pay for. I've already had to refund part of his price to more than one client. They come here looking for love as well as sex. If the word gets out that we're not providing it, our business could go into the shitter. We sell dreams here on San Carlos Island. If our clients just wanted sex, they would go to a brothel. For them to pay Cr 50,000 for a day with a boy, we have to provide more than sex."

"So, what do you want me to do?" asked Matti.

"Go see him. Tell him you love him. Make him care about something once again."

"What about Robert? He's resisting nullification. I have a lot of work to do on him to get him to agree to it."

"Just stop by to see Sander once in a while. I'm taking him off his regular client rotation. It's not worth having him piss off any more clients. You don't spend all your time with Robert, anyway. You've been fucking Chris when he's not busy. Fuck Sander instead."

"How did you know I'd been fucking Chris?" Matti didn't know about the hidden cameras.

"Nothing happens on the island without my knowledge. You should know that."

Yeah, thought Matti. That he had to admit. Little escaped Ben. Still, he didn't like the idea. He thought he'd been discreet with Chris – not that there was any rule against sex between the boys on the island. Of course, since he was free, Ben could have charged him for having sex with one of his slaves.

"It's different with Chris. With us, it's just sex – something we both enjoy. I don't have to tell him I love him. I don't have to love him to fuck him."

"And you don't get enough sex with your trainees?

"They're not yet nullos, Chris is. For me to really get off, the boy has to be a nullo; and, no, I don't get enough sex." Matti could fuck ten times a day and still not get enough. He didn't just need it, he craved it.

Sander's a nullo; and he's beautiful – a prettier boy than Chris."

"But, he'll want me to love him."

"You told him that once. Can't you again?" asked Ben.

"You don't understand. For me to be successful with these boys, I have to love them. When I'm training one, I do love him – to the exclusion of all others. It's the way I function. I don't think I could love two of them at the same time."

"Can't you pretend?"

"Not successfully, I don't think. What if I go to Sander and fall in love with him all over again? If I do, I don't think I will be successful with Robert. I can't love them both at the same time. In a way, Sander scares me because he is so easy to love. I had a difficult time getting him out of my mind. That's why I haven't called or seen him since I finished training him."

"I want you to try, anyway. If you can't rehabilitate Sander, I'll have to get rid of him."

"What will you do, sell him to a brothel?"

"No, I'll sell him to Lester DelRay?"

"Lester DelRay?" said Matti. "You said you'd never sell a boy to DelRay."

"He's offered me twice what I paid for him. I could never get nearly that much from a brothel."

"Money means that much to you – that you would sell a kid to DelRay?"

Standing up abruptly, Ben slapped his palm on the desk -"thwack."

"I'm a businessman, boy. It's a business that I enjoy, but a profitable one, too. If I'd let my emotions get in the way, I would have gone broke years ago. I would have never built San Carlos Island into the empire it is today."

"You're a billionaire. What's a few hundred thousand credits to you."

"And that's why you'll always be working for someone like me. It's that kind of attitude that will prevent you from becoming a billionaire like me. To become me, you have to be willing to optimize every investment, no matter how small it is."

"So, you'll sell him to DelRay?"

"Unless you can rehabilitate him," said Ben.

"Then don't blame me if Robert gets fucked up."

"No, Robert is still your responsibility. You're sixteen, almost a man. I pay you more in a year than many men will earn in a lifetime. You're not my only trainer – and I can find others. You have balls. It's about time you started acting like you did."

"I never wanted them."

"You want them cut off? I can arrange that. How about next Saturday? Maybe you and Robert can be done at the same time."

Lowering his head, Matti shook it slowly. "No, I don't want to be cut."

"Then, do as I ask. Be a man."

"So, are you ordering me to go to Sander?"

"If that's what it takes – yes, I'm ordering you."

Setting his lips into a thin line, Matti wheeled and strode from the room. Fucking Ben, he thought. He could mess everything up. Matti's routine of loving one boy at a time, had worked well for him. He didn't know if he could love two at once – and Sander – he was dangerous. He was too easy to love. What if Matti couldn't shake off his feelings for him a second time? What good would he be as a trainer, then? It'd taken him a couple of weeks to stop thinking about Sander after he'd finished his training. As a result, he'd almost failed with his next trainee. Well, he'd have to try. Ben hadn't left him any choice.

Oh, he could leave. He probably had enough money to last a lifetime without ever working, but then he'd have to pay for sex with nullos. If he paid Cr 50,000 for a day with a boy on San Carlos Island, his money wouldn't last long. Even a brothel would cost Cr 1000 a pop for a young nullo, and once a day wasn't enough for Matti. Most of all, he wouldn't be able to convince a boy to give up his genitals for him. Without that, life wouldn't have much meaning. He might as well be nullified himself – to prevent the sexual desire that tended to overwhelm him – that controlled him.

That was a possibility – to become a sexual neuter. If he left San Carlos Island, that would be his only choice. He couldn't live with the desire he felt without out a way to satisfy it. But, he wasn't ready to become a eunuch yet. He was sixteen – at his sexual peak. Orgasms were too important to him. He lost himself in them. When he was in the throes of a climax, that's all there was. He ceased to exist; the world ceased to exist. Only the climax existed. He was the orgasm. Asking him to give that up would be like asking a Buddhist to give up Nirvana after having spent his life seeking it.

—4—

Thinking about that something else, Sander caressed his groin with his hand. It encountered nothing – no cock, no balls. Sander had neither. He'd been nullified; both his cock and his balls had been cut off in a ceremony in front of hundreds of people. He'd agreed to have it done, not because he wanted to spend his life as a eunuch, but to please the people he loved, his father and Matti.

Instead, he'd lost both of them. His father had sold him into slavery, then had been his first client – the first adult male to fuck him after he'd been neutered. As far as he was concerned, the man was no longer his father. His father – at least the man he had thought of as his father – was dead. And he hadn't seen Matti for six months; nor had he heard from him. He'd given up his genitals for others, but had lost everything – the parts that made him a boy and the people he'd given them up for.

What did he have to look forward to? Three and one half years left on his contract meant three and half years of sex with the clients of San Carlos Island – rich men who paid Cr 50,000 a day to have sex with neutered boys. And once his contract was over? What was there? He'd be rich, but what good was that? Almost sixteen, he would still have the appearance of a prepubescent boy – soft features and a hairless body. And – he could never have children. Before coming to San Carlos Island, he'd never thought about it. Hell, he was only a child himself.

Maybe – even if he'd kept his boy parts – he would've never had children. Maybe he was born gay. He'd never had any interest in girls before coming to San Carlos Island – but he'd never had any interest in sex before coming to San Carlos Island, either. And – the only sex on San Carlos Island was gay sex.

Oh, sometimes one of the women would jack a boy off while bathing him or giving him an enema, but that hardly counted as sex. By the time most boys on the island were old enough to have a cock large enough to satisfy a woman, they'd already lost theirs. Rarely was a boy neutered after puberty.

It was certainly too late for Sander to think about women. The only things he had left to satisfy one with were his fingers and his tongue, and although he'd enjoyed sticking his tongue into Mattie's hole and had licked Chris's pee hole, he didn't think he'd like to stick his tongue into a woman's pussy. He'd heard jokes about how they smelled like fish.

At least he'd have money when his contract was over. 500,000 credits had already been deposited in a trust fund for him and would be waiting for him. He'd also earned some tips from some of his clients – but not as many as Ben had led him to believe he would earn. Of course, many of his clients hadn't seemed pleased with his performance. He didn't know why. He'd done everything they asked.

What would he do with the money, though? He had no family; no friends to spend it on. Oh, there was his father. But he no longer counted as family. Sander didn't want to ever see him again.

He would probably have enough money that he would never have to work, but what would he do with his time? Sander was already sick of watching videos and playing video games. Possibly, he could go back to school, but – no longer a boy – he would be a freak. He couldn't imagine undressing for PE in front of the other boys – boys who still had peckers and balls. They would be as shocked as he had been when he had first seen a nullo.

San Carlos Island was a paradox for Sander. Never in his life had he been happier than in the weeks following his nullification – the weeks he'd spent making love to Matti. But – when Matti had left – all joy in his life had dissipated. His joy had been an illusion, a mirage which had vanished when exposed to the cold light of reality.

Often, Sander thought about suicide – about filling his bathtub with warm water, crawling into it, and slitting his wrists. It might hurt, but only for a while. The psychic pain he felt every day was worse than any physical pain he could imagine – even worse than the pain he'd experienced when he'd been nullified.

As his first client – in the throes of passion – his father had clung to him and had said, "Sander, I love you." But – by then – it had been too late. And Sander had learned not to trust anything a man said while he was shooting his wad. More than one client had said the same thing when he'd shot his.

Still – in the darkest depths of his despair – Sander would catch a glimpse of light. It was the hope – faint as it was – that Matti would return. That hope kept him alive – kept him from slitting his wrists. And, although he didn't know it, Matti had just turned onto the hallway into which his room opened.

—5—

Ducking into a bathroom, Matti locked himself into a stall and masturbated. It was the only way he knew to rid himself of his erection. The picture of Sander he had in his mind was too enticing for him to will it down. Once he'd shot his wad, his cock no longer pointed at the ceiling, but he still had to think of something other than Sander to keep it from becoming hard again.

Coming to Sander's door, he hesitated – then softly knocked rather than ring Sander's doorbell. No answer. He knocked again – a little louder this time. "Go away," he heard someone say.

Although he knew it was Sander – he recognized his voice – Matti almost turned away from the door. Something was present in Sander's voice that he'd never heard before. Although the voice was the same, the underlying quality of it was different. Then, he realized what it was. Sander's voice expressed no emotion. The tone of it was flat. If a dead person could talk, Matti was certain that's how he would sound.

Had he done this to the boy? He hadn't meant to. He couldn't have done his job if he'd continued to see Sander. Standing on the other side of the door from him, he was sure of that now. The love he had for Sander came rushing back. He began crying. "Sander," he sobbed. "It's me, Matti. Please open the door. I want to see you."

After a moment, Sander's door slid back. He stood on the other side, tears, too, running down his face. Matti held out his arms toward the boy, who, after a moments hesitation, rushed into them, burying his face in Matti's chest, throwing his arms around him – clutching him tightly. Through his sobs, he said, "Where have you been?"

"I'm sorry, Sander." Matti said. "I couldn't come. I loved you too much to come."

Looking up at him, Sander said, "What do you mean? That doesn't make any sense."

Matti was erect again, his hard-on pressing against Sander. "You know I'm a trainer. When I train a kid, I need to devote my attention to him or it won't work. He's got to know that I love him. If I'd come to see you, I couldn't have done it. I loved you too much – more than I ever intended to."

"How could you love me and desert me?" He had turned loose of Matti and – having stepped back – was looking him in the eye.

"I can't pretend, Sander. I couldn't have loved those other boys, if I'd kept seeing you."

"You fucked Chris while you were training me."

"He was a nullo. You weren't yet. I never fucked him after I cut you. I told you I can't really get off unless I'm fucking a nullo."

"Well, look at me, God damn it." Sander said, running his hand over his bare crotch. "I'm a fucking nullo. You – of all people – should know that. You're the one who cut off my boy parts, making me into one. You could have been fucking me while you were training those other boys."

"No, I couldn't. I would have been thinking about you all the time. I could never have loved those other boys. I could have never trained them."

"You – you loved them?"

"Yes," said Matti, "while I trained them, I loved them. It's not something I can fake. They would have known it, if I'd been pretending. Then, they would never have agreed to give up their boy parts."

"Did you cut them, too?"

Matti looked down at the floor for a moment. His dick throbbed, aroused by his memory of cutting the last boy and of the climax he'd had when he'd sliced off his balls. Other than some wet dreams, it was the first orgasm he'd had without touching his cock – or having someone else touch it. "I cut some of them. Ben did some."

"I thought you didn't like cutting boys. You said you hated cutting Randal. I didn't think you liked cutting me, either."

"It was different cutting you. You were giving up your boy parts for me. It was like you were making an offering to me – like you were becoming a nullo in my place. I didn't like hurting you, but I was doing it for your own good. Now, you'll never be a slave to your cock and balls like the clients 3;" Matti lowered his voice – then continued, "or me."

He realized that he was as much of a slave to his cock and balls as any of the clients. More than ever, he wished he'd be cut before puberty, but it was too late. He was imprisoned by his addiction to sex – bound by chains he was unable to break.

"But, I never wanted to become a nullo. I only did it for you."

"Aren't you glad you're one now, though?"

Sander had walked away and was sitting on his bed with his arms folded across his chest when Matti asked that question. He looked down at his crotch, then ran his fingers over it, as if searching for something. "No," he said. "I hate being a nullo." I only did it for you; then you deserted me. I wish I were still a boy. I wish I'd never come to this fucking island. I wish I'd never met you."

"Don't say that, Sander. I do love you – I really do. I didn't realize how much until just now. And, you're much better off being a nullo. Having a cock and balls is like having a demon living inside of you, making you do things you don't want to do."

"Why don't you become a nullo, then?"

"I can't come without my cock and balls. You can come without yours. I can't. I like it too much to give it up – I need it too much. You like to come, don't you? Wouldn't you hate to give it up?"

"I don't' come anymore. I haven't in a long time. I haven't had a good one since 3; you."

Sitting down on the bed beside Sander, Matti put his arm around his shoulder, but Sander shrugged it off, scooting farther away from Matti.

"Please, Sander. Don't shut me out. I need you." And, he did. Now that he'd seen Sander, he had to have him. No other boy – no other nullo would do. He'd forgotten Robert. Sex with Chris would be little better than masturbating. He wanted Sander – only Sander.

Glancing down at Matti's throbbing cock – it was leaking moisture from the end – Sander said, "You just want to fuck a nullo. Your trainee must still have his boy parts. Does he?"

"Yes, he hasn't been cut yet."

"What's his name?"

"Robert."

"No, I don't love him. I only love you." And at that moment, he didn't love Robert. All he could think about was his desire for Sander. He ached for him.

"I don't believe you. You're just horny. My dad told me he loved me when he came inside of me. I've learned not to believe anyone who has a hard-on. It's just their dick talking, not them."

"I want you Sander. I want to make love to you – but it's more than that. I'm a trainer. Don't you think I could control myself around any other boy. It's just you. You're driving me mad. I need you, Sander. I have to have you." Matti reached for Sander again. This time, the boy didn't pull away.

Taking Sander's face in his hands, Matti said, "I do love you, Sander. I love you so much." Then he kissed him.

At first Sander resisted the kiss, then he gave himself over to it, taking Matti's tongue into his mouth, sucking on it as he did. Matti's hand crept to Sander's crotch – caressed his pee hole. Moaning, Sander lay back on the bed.

Climbing on top of the nullo, Matti felt his cock seek out the boy's hole – seemingly on it's own. At first, there was a slight resistance, then the head of his cock burst through, immersing his cock in the boy's hot hole. Matti came almost immediately. He'd lost all control. He was no longer a trainer – not with Sander. The boy possessed him. He was in control – even though he might not know it.

Sander felt Matti shudder when he came. He was disappointed. He wasn't even close yet. He'd hated sex with clients – he'd hated having his father fuck him – but Matti, was different. Matti awoke feelings he'd thought were dead. For the first time in months, he felt alive – for the first time in months he wanted to live – but he was afraid. What if Matti disappeared again? If that happened, he was afraid he would kill himself.

Matti lay still for a moment on top of him, panting. He seemed to be unconscious. Then, after moaning, he said, "Oh, Sander. I do love you. I'm sorry I came so fast. I couldn't help it. I was so turned on by you."

"That's all right. We can do it again – can't we?"

Raising up on his arms so he could look at Sander, Matti said, smiling, "I think I can manage another one or two."

Matti's cock – flaccid for a moment – had slid out of Sander's ass, but now Sander felt it once again probing at his hole. Then, it slid in again – this time with much less effort. Rolling both of them over, Matti pulled Sander on top of him. Sander sat up – and without allowing Matti's cock to slide out – straddled him, pumping Matti's cock by rotating his ass. This time, they both came.

Hours later, the boys lay exhausted on Sander's bed. Sander had lost count of the orgasms they'd had, but it had definitely been more than one or two. As he lay, sheltered in Matti's arms, he said, "You won't leave me again – will you?"

"I don't ever want to leave you, Sander, but I have to work, you know. I have to find a way to separate work from 3; from you," Matti admitted. "And I don't know how. That's why I went away. I can't imagine leaving the island and working a job, I mean, hell!" He snorted, "There's nothing for a boy like me that can pay like this! And 3; and I have to 3;,"

"You have to have sex, don't you?" Sander asked, "You said you were just as much a slave as me?"

Matti nodded in shame.

"I'll help," Sander offered, "I really will!" He promised.

"Sander," Matti told him seriously, "We have to help each other. If you don't come out of this funk you're in, if you don't start earning your keep, Ben's going to sell you! Sander, I think I'd die if he did, and I don't have enough credits to buy you! You've got to start working, and working good!"

"I can't!" Sander yelled at him, suddenly remembering his father and all the men like him. Men with big cocks and balls, men who only wanted one thing.

Then he stared at Matti again.

"Men like you!" He snapped at him, as the anger overtook him again. "I can't love them! I can't BE with them! It's not the same! And then you come in here and fuck me, and tell me you love me, and cry and carry on, just like HE did!"

God, he's more fucked up than I realized, Matti thought, wondering if the boy was indeed beyond salvaging. "So now you see how I feel," Matti countered. "It's the same thing."

Sander looked as if he'd hit over the head.

"YOU have to work, and so do I," Matti told him again. "And I guess if there's no way we can both figure out how to do it, and do it right, then we're both finished. Goodnight."

Matti got up and left the room, wondering if, and hating himself, for saying what he'd hoped had been the right thing.

Sander cried himself to sleep that night.

The End