"where the fuck've you been, i been tryin' to git hold of you for a week, cat!"

"who is this?" i sternly asked.

"crabb, with hot tub heaven, and you've got in a lot of trouble cat."

"oh, forgive me lester, i didn't realize hot tub owners needed to check with their installers when they left town."

"ain't no need being a wise ass either, now tell me, how many people does your tub sit?"

"i'm not sure, cox's army, my senior class?"

"shit!" he hollared. "yours was supposed to do three."

"i'm sure that wasn't my mistake mr. crabb," i said.

"well who's in the hell was it?" he nastily asked.

"if your records say we bought a three seater and you brought one for my senior class, then i would strongly suggest it's your mistake."

crabb was steaming. "gotta have it back."

"no, i'm used to it, besides, we pee in it."

"don't matter cat, we'll clean it, and me and the boys are on our way out. hey, you still haven't told me where you've been." the nerve.

"our church had a revival in cuba, and i was the lead singer."

"yeah, i know, i played second guitar. got a better one?"

"visiting a sick friend then."

"for a fuckin' week?"

"i don't have time for this mr. crabb."

"well, don't go nowhere today, see ya later." i slammed the receiver down. shit, i needed this, after a trying week in louisville. my dad was still away, somewhere, and i hadn't been able to reach mikey, now lester crabb at 7:30 in the morning.

i showered, ate a pop tart in the nude, dried my hair and put on a pair of cut-offs and a white tee that said "i break boys' hearts". i decided to drive over to scotlin's. my house on chuckles lane hadn't been touched: mikey was slipping. i pulled up into the driveway, got out and walked around. it was so quiet, it was spooky. i wandered behind the house and went to the graves of monroe and kimber billingsley. died on the same day, this was so curious.

"anybody home?" i said as i knocked. scotlin opened the door and hugged me.

"i thought that was you, carlee, where have you been beautiful?"

"that's 'where the fuck've you been', scotlin," i quoted.

"huh?"

"never mind," i smiled. "hey, you alone?"

"yeah, harlen and emerson just left for the library in bowling green."

"they on a mission?"

"some research project, carlee, very secretive."

"hmmm, want to go fishing?"

"sounds great to me," he said. "just a minute, and please, come in and make yourself comfortable." the mcdowell house was very tasteful. early american furniture, expensive oriental carpets. i observed some pictures sitting around. emerson was even a pretty little girl. there was one of scotlin and a beautiful young woman, i assumed it was one of their mothers, she didn't look much like emerson though. of course harlen favored his dad. there were placards hanging on the wall, fbi stuff, several awards, a framed bronze star medal. my dad had two of them, they were for bravery, i thought. so, scotlin must have been in the army before law school and the fbi. i wouldn't have thought he went to school first and won a bronze star, few lawyers do.

"interesting?" he asked, as he slipped up behind me and put his hands on my breasts. i turned and he put a black cap on my head stuffing my pony tail through the back. it said 'fbi.'

"got any tee shirts?" i asked.

"tons of 'em, do you wear a large?"

i pulled at the front of mine. "hardly," i declared.

"i'll order you some angel, wait, i believe i do have a medium." he ran back upstairs. scotlin wore very tight jeans and a dark tee, he looked absolutely wonderful running up the stairs, his dark hair shuffling in the breeze. he returned with a black tee that looked like it would fit two of me. "try this," he said. i took my 'i break boys' hearts' shirt off, and i heard him gasp. i slipped the fbi one on, it went down past my shorts.

"not bad, a little long." i smiled.

"i'll get you some carlee, i promise."

"fbi turned nice these days scotlin?"

"not yet baby, the irs has though." i laughed.

"let's go fishing," i said. "oh, is this emerson's mom?" i pointed.

"no, emma is over here, out of sight." he got the picture and handed it to me. god, she was simply beautiful, this emma.

"she's very pretty scotlin, very pretty." i was almost in awe.

"you remind me a lot of her carlee, she was a model, on her way to high high fashion, a super model maybe, cheryl tiegs even."

"what happened?" i asked.

"emerson," he answered. "i got her pregnant, she gained sixty pounds, left her with stretch marks and an ugly belly button. she never forgave me."

"what happened to her?"

"i don't know, but i haven't seen her in any magazines lately."

"you divorce her?"

"no, she did me."

"oh, let's go, i have coffee," i said.

"your landlord getting anywhere with our house, carlee?" chuckles lane.

"i don't know scotlin, haven't been able to reach him."

"hope he is."

we headed back to my place and were sitting on what was left of my deck, drinking coffee, when lester crabb and crew pulled up.

"oh, scotlin, i forgot to tell you, they're replacing the tub today."

"huh?"

"the hot tub, they made a mistake."

"you all need to move you asses, cat, or we'll haul you off too." mr. crabb's attitude hadn't changed a bit.

"we're not through with our coffee yet mr. crabb," i shouted.

"the fuck you ain't, now git the hell off, we've got work to do. boys, git to it." the crew moved quickly and placed long hook cables on six sides of the tub. crabb started pulling out chairs, wine bottles and ash trays and throwing them over the side. "damn junk!" he hollared. "and what the goddamn hell is this shit, cat?"

"what?" i questioned.

"this shit all over the bottom of the tub?"

"i don't know, have no idea."

"looks like kool aid," he exclaimed. i looked at the colored area on the floor of the tub. i didn't know what it was, red though. "syphon!!" he screamed, and one of his boys scurried with fright and put a long hose in the tub, then ran for the river.

"mr. crabb, i thought you could drain the tub automatically."

"ain't got time for that cat, this is quicker."

"but it's against the law, and you're in the presence of federal officers."

"female breasts inspectors don't worry me cat," he smiled. suddenly the compressor on the truck kicked in, and the tub raised, and what was left of the deck burst into a million pieces.

"oops," crabb said. the sound was deafening.

"holy shit crabb!!" i yelled.

"look out cat!!" he screamed back. the hot tub was hovering over scotlin and me, two of the cables had snapped. "goddamnit it, freeze you two, don't make a move!" we froze.

"is, is it going to fall down and crush us?" i shivered and asked.

"ain't sure cat," crabb said as he walked up toward us. "shit, you all get in the house. i need a phone." the tub was slowly swaying over our heads.

"boy crabb, you fucked up," i told him in the kitchen. another cable loudly snapped.

"fuckin' son-of-a-bitch," crabb said. "let that fuckin' thing down boys, 'fore we tear the house down." the compresser came on again, and more cables creaked. "not like that goddamnit!" he screamed, and ran to the truck.

"good god carlee," scotlin stammered. his eyes were as big as saucers.

lester managed to guide the hulk back toward the truck, grumbling and cursing all the way. two of his boys grabbed the bottom of the tub to guide it to the back of the truck. "i jest oughtta set this fucker down full blast!" he shouted to his crew. "smash your no count asses plum underground!"

"carlee, i have to pee, really bad, with you be alright with him?" scotlin asked.

"mr. crabb, sure, we've had dealings before, go piss."

a smaller truck pulled up with a very small hot tub on it. "where do you want this bastard cat?"

"why don't you save it until you build me a new deck?" i answered.

"we're not deck heaven cat!" he snapped.

"you tore it up."

"like hell!"

"you put the wrong tub in mr. crabb, there wasn't much of my deck left."

"that's an administrative problem cat, can we hang it in one of those trees?"

"of course you can't crabb, i can't believe you even suggested that."

"you got storage buildings?"

"not big enough for that, they're practically full."

"what the fuck you need with a damn hot tub anyway, hell winter's comin' on."

"i want the tub to sit exactly where the old one sat, mr. crabb."

"well, there's just one fuckin' problem with that idea,missy: your deck broke!"

"then hot tub heaven can build me another one."

"that's out of my line cat, i'll have the boys set the muthafucker in the middle of this mess." he motioned to his crew.

"and speaking of the mess?" i said.

"i'm not administration damnit!"

"what you are mr. crabb is impossible," i relayed.

"hell carlee, they would almost have to build you a new house." scotlin interjected.

"hey, we could put the little tub in your house," crabb suggested.

"what in the hell would i want with a hot tub in my house?"

"lots of other folks do," he replied.

"it holds several hundred gallons mr. crabb."

"shit, water comes from the fuckin' river, the green won't mind a hundred or so twice a week."

"our bathing habits are different. and what if i get county water?"

"fucked then," he snickered. "you can store the old one cat."

"and you can go home mr. crabb, my attorneys will be in touch with hot tub heaven tomorrow. i'll assure you."

"look, i told you, shit happens!"

"what about the mess in my yard?"

"that?" he said, pointing at the millions of splinters. " by-product of shit happening; i'd call my home owner's insurance if i were you, cat. and you all have a lovely day," he added acidly.

"crusty ol dude," scotlin remarked, as they pulled out of the driveway.

"yeah, he reminds me of someone, i kind of like him," i smiled.

"you have some really weird friends, carlee."

"awesome, ain't i?" i smiled.