Alarming reports are coming in from Our Own Correspondent
About a new type of stealth weapon, confirming the existence of something
We all suspected, but which governments had always sought to deny.
It can be fired indiscriminately and without prior warning
And when fired the results are inevitably devastating
Usually terminal and render the victim helpless.
What's more, only little girls know how to use it.
No-one knows who is manufacturing the stealth weapon,
Nor how the assailants manage to get hold of them.

A reporter in Coventry has spoken to a man who,
Innocently walking his dog one morning before breakfast
Was ambushed by a mujahadeen squad of seven year olds
And collapsed instantly under a terrifying hail of fire
Spending the rest of his day on an adventure playground
Instead of going to be a boring bank manager.
The dog was apparently unharmed, but was too exhausted to speak.

In Aberdeen, a man was threatened in broad daylight
By a lone, crazed, blonde gungirl and shot extensively.
In this, one of the earliest known cases,
Medical experts now consider him to be terminally affected
Although they did forcibly remove him from intensive care
Because he was smiling too much.
Our reporter says that he was last seen buying ice creams for her
In January, when there was fresh snow on the beach.

Our North America correspondent suggests that
Use of this weapon is widespread across the USA.
The government in Washington, fearing a corruption of morals
By this lascivious display of affection and fun
Has sought to ban the use of this new weapon
By imposing draconian new laws which conform to
Adult cultural and religious stereotypes, and also to ban play time.
Clandestine use of this weapon is, however, thought to be common
Despite official efforts to suppress its use.

Reports coming in from the rest of the world are sketchy
Although it is suspected that the weapon is widely used
Even in the poorest countries, where whole lives can be improved
By its indiscriminate and completely unprovoked use.
However, very rare incidents of hijacking of the weapon by grown-ups
For personal gain has resulted in a strong backlash
By worried authorities, and all attacks are now to be made
A serious criminal offence for the victim.