I wiped off and sighed, absolutely satisfied. I looked down at her and found her little fingers caressing my puny amount of chest hair, being still young myself for an adult. Her eyes were closing more and more slowly and then, I jumped. I quickly got off her and dazed, or awakened, I reached for my jeans and slipped them on.

What... what have I done?

"What? What is it?" she asked, distressed.

No... don't be scared... I don't think I could have closed my eyes if I wanted to.

"Stay... stay here," I told her.

I ran out of her room and to the kitchen. I couldn't be anywhere... I didn't want to be in my office. No shame in the safe-haven, no regret in the safe-haven. Tears found my eyes and I whispered negativity as I heard his voice, felt his violence... It wasn't the way to go, Cole... and yet, I had done it. I had followed a guide in order to seduce a child into sexually pleasuring me. I feared myself, and yet I couldn't move from the counter until I heard her voice:

"Cole?"

I jumped the wits out of me. She looked worried, perhaps saddened. Should I give myself in? I didn't want to tell her that what I had subdued her to was truly, torture. At once, I didn't believe it. I didn't believe that this would psychologically affect her. Yes, perhaps, later, but I would never hurt her, never beat her.

"What is it?" she asked me, going up to me.

She was so small, and because of her such child-likeness, people assumed she was younger. They treated her like a child, when really, she would soon be a pre-teen, so in High School. She was stark naked, and I found myself in a state of putrid disgust for all the things I had done. I wanted to go back, but I couldn't. I could only go forward.

"What is it? I'm scared. Tell me!"

"I... have a bad feeling," I told her. "I'm scared too."

She pouted and walked over to me. She put her arms around my torso and I sighed and held her there, like a good uncle to his niece. It loomed, this intricate feeling of yes, shame, but...

The phone rang and my heart thrashed uncontrollably. Someone had seen us! Someone knew! The neighbours had heard her! She probably noticed that I was frozen and ran to the phone and answered:

"Hello?" in her precious little voice.

"Yes, he's here. Cole?" I walked over to the lounge, more like lurked with all the might that I could pull from my legs. I took a hold of the receiver and closed my eyes. Plan A, get out of the country.

Plan B, kill myself. Yeah, better that than go to jail. Better that than fuck the only thing I had left in the world. Why... why was I saying this?

"Mr. Wilson?" asked the voice on the other end. Shaken, and terrified, I held it up to my ear and voiced out:

"Yes?"

"Hello, this is the St. Georges Centre. We regret to inform you that your brother has passed away this afternoon."

I froze. No... no! The only tie she had left was with him! The only person I could perhaps speak to... was gone. No, I couldn't believe it. The voice continued:

"We understand that this must be very shocking. We would ask you to come down to the Centre. Is tomorrow a good time?"

"H-how did he die?" I asked, shaking.

"He overdosed on something he bought on the street. We couldn't do anything. We are terribly sorry."

"Tomorrow is a good time. Around noon?"

"Yes. If you need to speak with someone, I would recommend the-"

Her voice drowned out as I watched my nude odalisque, her golden-brown curls trickling down her milky skin. I hung up and sat down on the couch.

"Is someone dead?"

"Yeah... Beatrice..." She gave me a sombre look. The feeling I had gotten... was the looming feeling that I knew that my brother was dead. She knelt next to me and embraced me. I kissed her cheek and she looked at me in the eyes. "Beatrice, your father died today."

She didn't respond, and her gaze became distant, her eyes completely glossed. Traumatic experience. I had to be the healer, not the causer and I would have to forbid anything concerning sex. I grabbed her and brought her to her room and turned off the lights. It was darkening out and only twilight remained to light enough shadows for me to go to my computer. I typed up a different guide, dealing with grief. I was sad, yes, but I had lost both my parents at a young age, not to death, to imprisonment. Maybe that was why I was so keen on satisfying myself and not, ever get caught.

But as I looked up ways to make my niece feel better, I found myself hypocritical, and distasteful for the things I had said, the lies... no... they weren't lies, and she wasn't so young... I had asked her, I had wanted her confirmation. It had never been forced upon her. He had been curious. I pushed a stack of papers off of my desk in anger and buried my eyes in my face.

I loved her. I loved her like a real pedophile loves a child. Of course, she would grow up, grow old... and at once, I wasn't stupid. I knew why I was the way that I was. It was because I had myself been introduced to sexuality at a young age, by someone I thought I could trust. Perhaps it was why I wanted it done the right way this time around, why I saw myself in this youth that was mine to mould into what I always wanted. Would my fantasies all been fulfilled by the man who had molested me. But all I got was kicks to the stomach and whips of a leather belt to the behind.

I sniffed and exhaled before getting up and going to her room. My guide said that if ever a situation should arise, that her safe spaces would have to be increased as well as my own safe-haven. There would have to be one room, that would become for the both of us a place of comfort in which sexual actions could still be done. I chose my room. I knocked on her door and entered. I found her exactly where I had left her. She turned to me and I crept up to the bedside and knelt down. I took her hand and she looked at me. She reached over for me and as we made contact, she started to weep.

I held her to me, lovingly, for the whole time that she cried. We slept a while but then she would awaken and remain silent but not sleep for a long time. Sometimes, as I was dozing off, she would utter my name shyly in the blissful darkness of the terrible night.

"Yeah?" I asked her.

"Am I going to live with you all the time now?"

"I don't know. You're going to school tomorrow and I'm going to go to the Centre and see what they say."

I'm going to pick up your father's will, is what I should have said, but I didn't want her to be subjected to that sort of talk. She was just a child after all.

-End of Part Four-