Dear Kevin,

I guess I should apologize first. I'm not sure you want to hear that, though. I'm not even sure if you will read this letter. I guess I won't blame you if you don't. Still, I do apologize, I'm so deeply sorry for everything. For not telling you about Brian, for lying to you. For not being pure when we made love for the first time. Part of me wishes that I had been. But if I am going to be completely honest with you now, I have to admit that part of me isn't sorry. Part of me is glad for having Brian as my first lover. I know you don't understand, and I guess the purpose of this letter is to try to help you understand.

But in order for you to understand I will have to tell you everything. And not just about Brian, but everything about my sexual life that I haven't yet shared with you. You deserve to know. I will probably go into a lot of detail. I know you like for me to go into detail when we talk about sex, so I hope you don't mind it this time.

This is probably going to be a really long letter.

The first thing I need you to know is what I told you the other night: Brian didn't hurt me. He never forced me to do anything, and while I might have been reluctant at first, it was only because I had no experience and wasn't sure how to do what he was asking. I never thought what we did was wrong, and Brian never made me do anything I didn't secretly want to do.

If that makes me a bad girl, a dirty girl, then so be it. I guess I'm a dirty girl, then. I remember a few times when you told me that you liked the idea of me being that kind of girl. I wish I could have been your dirty girl, Kevin.

It was all my fault, the way it started. It was the summer of 1966, about a week after my tenth birthday. Brian was sixteen then (he would turn seventeen in August), and he had just gotten that motorcycle that he always rode around on. You remember that motorcycle, I know. At that time it was still mostly a hunk of junk, though he'd gotten it running by then and had taken it out a few times, to test it. He asked me one day if I wanted to ride on it too and I said yes. It looked like a lot of fun.

And it was. The feeling of flying down the road with the wind in my hair was so exciting. But there were other things about that ride that were exciting too, and totally unexpected. For one thing, the way the motorcycle was vibrating under me, it felt so good, it got me really warm between my legs. I didn't really know what was happening then, but later on I figured out that it was a sexual thing. But not only that: while we were riding around I had my arms around Brian's waist, and somehow my hands had slipped down until they were in his lap. I had my hands clasped together right on top of Brian's dick (I called it a thing back then). It was completely an accident, but when I realized where my hands were I decided to leave them there. I can't really say why, other than that I just wanted to. Maybe I was already a dirty girl and just didn't know it. Then, just before we got back home, I guess the combination of the motorcycle vibrating between my legs (against my pussy) and feeling Brian's dick under my hands got me so excited that I came. I had my very first orgasm riding on a motorcycle and holding my brother's dick.

And I was only ten.

After the ride Brian and I didn't talk very much. I think we both were kind of embarrassed about what happened. Or maybe it was just me; Brian sometimes got bored with me for some reason. Anyway, after that I went into the house and all I could think about for the rest of the day was what had happened on the motorcycle. How good it had felt, and how naughty too. And that night when I took my shower I thought about it while I rubbed soap all over me, and especially when I rubbed the soap between my legs.

I'd been experimenting with masturbation. Of course, you already know that I started doing that kind of thing when I was nine. Not truly masturbating, not making myself come, but touching myself, and rubbing myself against Mr. Fuzzy, my teddy bear. I've told you all of that already. Well, when I did it that night in the shower I was able to make myself come again while I thought about Brian, and it made me feel so strange, like I was walking on the moon or something.

And then after the shower I got into my peejays and went down to the family room. I don't remember now where Mom and Dad were, but they weren't in the family room. Only Brian was in there, and we sat together on the sofa and watched TV for a while, and then we started to goof around. Just sort of wrestling with each other. Normally, when we wrestled like that Brian liked to pin me down and make me say uncle, but that night he went easy on me and let me pin him down instead. I remember I was on top of him, straddling him, and I was holding his arms down on the floor, and my pussy was right on top of his dick. Brian was in his peejays too, so the material between our two places was really thin, and it was easy for me to tell that his dick was hard.

Of course, a good girl would have gotten up right away, but I'm a bad girl, Kevin.

I not only stayed on top of him, but I started to move my hips, sort of rocking back and forth, so that my pussy would rub against his boner. It felt nice at first, then it started to feel really good, and then really good. Brian was looking up at me as I rubbed myself on him and he had a small smile on his face, and I remember I wasn't smiling back even though I felt like smiling. I guess it just seemed that what I was doing was a really serious thing or something.

Anyway, I kept rubbing myself on Brian's dick, making myself come, not once but twice, and very soon after that second time I happened to look down and noticed the end of his dick sticking out of his pajama bottoms, and about a second after that I saw this white stuff squirting out of it and all over his stomach. It was his come, of course, but I didn't know that at the time. I thought maybe I'd hurt him, especially since he made this groaning sound, so I asked him if he was alright. Brian just smiled sweetly at me, reached up and put his hand on the back of my neck, and pulled me down to him. He kissed me lightly on the lips and said, "That was great, Winnie."

It was the first time my brother had ever kissed me on the mouth, and it was so sweet and nice that I knew right then that I was in love with him. I know it sounds crazy, but it's true. I totally loved him, and I would have done anything he wanted me to.

And I pretty much did.

I guess about a week or so went by before anything else happened between us. I had been thinking about it a lot, though, and practicing rubbing my pussy and getting myself to have orgasms. I also rubbed myself on Mr. Fuzzy. I still do sometimes. He's the best teddy bear in the whole world.

I love you, Kevin.

Anyway, the next time was when our mom and dad had gone to dinner in the evening and left Brian to babysit me. He'd babysat me before and he usually brought a girl over to make out with, but this time he didn't bring any girl over. He sat with me in the family room and we watched TV, and he had his arm around me and I was resting my head on his shoulder. Then during a commercial Brian looked at me and I looked at him and he kissed me on the mouth again, only this time it was a french kiss. He pushed his tongue into my mouth and at first I wasn't sure what to do with it, but then I just started sucking on it, really gentle, and while I sucked on his tongue Brian put his hand between my legs. He rubbed my thighs for a minute, then he put his hand right on my pussy. I was wearing underwear, of course, but still, I could feel his fingers rubbing me there, and it felt really strange. Good, but also scary. I knew he was being bad, but I didn't want him to stop touching me. I even opened my legs a little bit, to make it easier for him. Brian rubbed me and french kissed me for a long time, and the more he kissed and touched me the better it felt, until finally I had another orgasm. It was the best one so far.

After I was done coming Brian, in a really soft voice, asked me if I liked what he did. I said yes, then he asked me if I would do something special for him too. I said yes to that also, because, like I said, I was in love with him, and I was ready to do anything he told me to. He could have told me to jump off a bridge and I would have done it.

He didn't tell me to jump off a bridge, though.

Instead he sat back on the sofa and undid his pants and pulled out his dick. I'd seen part of it before, when I'd rubbed myself on him and made him come, but I'd only seen the top part. This time I saw the whole thing, and I thought it was the neatest thing I'd ever laid my eyes on. I know you probably don't understand that because you're a guy, but I'm a girl, and girls are supposed to like dicks. I like dicks a lot.

Brian's dick was really cool looking, long and thick and hard, and as I looked at it I felt myself getting warm in my pussy. Brian took my hand and wrapped my fingers around it and said, "Hold it like this, and stroke it. Like this." Then he showed me how to stroke it, moving my hand up and down on it. I was a little nervous, mostly because I thought I might not be doing it right, but Brian seemed to think I was doing okay. Then he told me to put it in my mouth, and without even hesitating, Kevin, I leaned forward and put the end of my brother's dick right in my mouth.

It seemed a lot bigger than it had looked. It filled my whole mouth, and all I had was the end of it in. I had my jaw open as far as I could get it and my lips were drawn tight around the head.

Can you see me like that, Kevin? How I used to be when I was ten, all skinny and gawky and funny-looking with my pigtails and my cat's eye glasses, sitting there with my brother's big dick in my mouth? I can still see in my mind how I must have looked, a silly innocent little kid suddenly not so innocent anymore. A clean little girl being dirty. It makes me horny.

I wish you were here right now, Kevin, I would stop writing this letter and suck your dick.

Brian told me to hold it in my mouth and keep stroking it. As I stroked him, sliding my young hands up and down on the shaft of his dick, my little girl's lips circling the head, Brian touched my hair and moaned and whispered to me that I was beautiful and that he loved me. And in about five minutes (I think, I'm not really sure) he said, "Okay, sweetheart, here it comes," and in the next instant his come was squirting into my mouth.

Of course, I knew what was going to happen, but I was still surprised. It was so warm, and thick, and it tasted so weird. Sort of bad, actually. But at the same time it was, I don't know, I want to say fun, but it wasn't that, it was more like, exciting, feeling Brian's come spilling all over my tongue, and knowing that it felt really good for him, and that I was the one who could make him feel that way. Like sucking him off, and then taking all that gooey stuff into my mouth, was an act of love. A bad girl's act of love.

There was a lot of it, too, that was a real surprise. I was able to keep most of it in my mouth but some of it spilled past my lips and down my chin. When Brian was done coming he pulled his dick out and told me, "Swallow it, Winnie."

Another thing bad girls do, which is why I did it. It took me two trys, but I managed to swallow everything in my mouth. I felt something go loopy in my throat, though, and urped some of it back up. I had to force myself to swallow a third time.

When it was over Brian hugged me and kissed me and told me, "You're the coolest sister in the whole world." That made me feel really super. He also told me we couldn't tell anybody what we'd done but he didn't really have to say that; I was glad to keep our little secret.

Anyway, that was the first time that we actually did sexual things together on purpose, but it wasn't the last time. We did it a lot more times over the next two years, and it wasn't just me holding his dick in my mouth and stroking him, either. Brian taught me how to do it right, how to use my lips and my tongue to please him, how to keep from scraping him with my teeth, and I got used to the taste of his come so that I didn't gag on it anymore.

Plus, we did other things, like sometimes when he came I would take it out of my mouth and let him squirt all over my face (even on my glasses!). He said that was sexy. Or I would just give him a handjob and let him come on my tummy, or even my little hairless pussy. The first time we did that I was scared I would get pregnant but Brian reassured me that I was too young still. Which I was, then.

Brian also did oral sex on me, licking my pussy and sticking his finger in me and making me come like crazy. I loved that. Boy, did I ever.

Kevin, I completely love having my pussy licked and my little clitoris sucked on!

It's called cunnilingus.

There were also the pictures Brian took of me. That started just before I turned eleven. At first they were just me posing, but then he asked me to pull my pants down and show him my pussy. I did that and he took my picture. Then he told me to take my clothes all the way off and I did that too. He took lots of pictures of me naked, just standing there or laying on the sofa or on my bed. Some of them show me holding my legs wide open so he could get a really good shot of my pussy. He also took pictures of me in the shower or the bathtub, and pictures of me playing with myself. He even took pictures of me peeing (also in the shower).

There were some sex pictures too. I would sit on the end of my bed or get on my knees in front of him and suck his dick while he snapped the shot. Most of them just show me sucking, but there are a few where he's coming in my mouth or on my face.

And now I guess I have to confess that Brian isn't the only person I've had sex with. See, Kevin, the pictures that he took by himself, he said they weren't the best angle. He wanted to get some pictures of me sucking his dick from the side, but he couldn't do that by himself, so he got one of his friends to take the pictures. And then, well, Brian told me that his friend, his name was Scott, had only agreed to take the pictures if I sucked his dick too. I didn't want to, but Brian wanted me to, and like I've told you, I was willing to do whatever Brian wanted. So I did. I sucked Scott's dick and let him come in my mouth. I didn't really like it.

And that wasn't the only time, either. Or the only boy. Sorry, Kevin, but I have to admit that I sucked Scott's dick three more times, and a few of Brian's other friends too. I became a cocksucking slut. But it was all for Brian, it wasn't because I really wanted to. Can you understand that, Kevin? I wouldn't have done it if it hadn't been for all the love in my heart.

I still have those pictures, by the way. I'll bring them with me next time we get together (if there is a next time, if you can forgive your girlfriend, the dirty tramp who loves you so much). I remember once you told me that you thought little girls were sexy, so I'm sure you would enjoy these pictures of me as a little girl. You can look at them, even keep them if you want. You can do whatever you want with them. With me too.

There was also one more person I did it with, and this will probably shock you as much as it might get you excited. I also did it with Jessica Thomas. We weren't really friends or anything, but I did get to know her that time I went away to camp, you remember? Anyway, Jessica was really into boys then too, she was a dirty tramp, she told me one night at camp that she gave boys blowjobs. That got me to tell her about what I did with Brian, and after that Jessica started coming over to my house so she could meet him. And suck his dick, of course (making me totally jealous!). Jessica even said later on that he fucked her but I don't know if that's true. I suppose it could be.

Anyway, Brian got the idea that he'd like to have some pictures of me and Jessica doing stuff with each other. Neither Jessica or I was interested in that, but Brian really wanted us to do it, so we agreed. Brian took pictures of us kissing and touching each other, masturbating each other, and me sucking on Jessica's boobs (she had boobs back then even though she was only eleven). And licking each other's pussies too. So on top of everything else I'm also a dirty homosexual slut.

Brian also got a hold of Dad's home movie camera and made a movie of me going around naked and playing with myself, but I don't know what happened to it. It just disappeared one day.

Anyway: in June of 1968, you remember, Brian got his letter from the Army, telling him that he had to go to Vietnam. I was so upset when I realized that he would be gone for more than a year, maybe more than two years (little did I know how awful life could really get). I cried and Brian held me and rocked me and told me it would be okay, he would write me letters and call me on the phone as much as he could. And he promised (he promised, Kevin) that he would come back to me. Except he didn't.

Sorry, I had to cry for a little bit. I'm okay now.

So the night before he left Brian came into my room after everybody had gone to sleep. He crawled into my bed and took me in his arms and kissed me and told me he loved me and that he would miss me so much. Then he said that he didn't want to go away without showing me just how much he loved me. I thought I knew, but of course I didn't. Brian took off my nightgown and my underwear and kissed me all over my chest and tummy, then stuck his finger in me and licked my pussy until I came. Then he got on top of me and started to stick his dick into me.

I have to admit, I was kind of alarmed right at that moment. After all, I was only twelve years old (my birthday had only been the week before), and besides, this wasn't just the fooling around kind of thing we'd been doing so far. This was sex, he was going to fuck me, and I was going to lose my virginity forever. I actually thought about saying no, asking him to stop, the words were crowding around in my mouth, but in the end I didn't say anything. I kept my mouth shut and let my brother fuck me.

It felt weird at first, but it didn't hurt as Brian pushed the head of his dick past the lips of my pussy. I felt him going further and further into me, felt him slowly filling me up inside, and I was thinking maybe it wouldn't be so bad (Jessica had told me it hurt a lot the first time a girl got fucked), but then suddenly there was some pain, I was being stretched too much in there, and then I felt a really sharp pain, like Brian had stuck me with a needle or something, and I knew that I'd just lost my virginity.

I guess I felt sort of sad about it, but honestly, Kevin, I didn't feel that bad. I didn't cry or anything. Because, as I've told you already a billion times, I just loved Brian so much.

He held me close to him, my cheek against his chest, and slowly made love to me, pushing his dick in and out of my pussy, and I held him too, not caring how it hurt. I let him fuck me and fuck me and soon it started to feel good. I even almost had an orgasm. Unfortunately (for me, anyway), Brian reached his first. I remember how he squeezed me so tight and kissed me and groaned into my hair as his dick started to throb and squirt his come into me.

Right into my little pussy, Kevin.

After that, we held each other for a long time, telling each other over I love you over and over again. It was so wonderful, and it was the last time I ever really got to be with my brother. The next day he was gone, and though I didn't know it then (none of us did), he was gone for good.

I didn't start to worry about being pregnant until after he was gone. I'd only had one period so far, so I wasn't really sure how to know. I went back and forth between being scared about it and kind of hoping that I would have his baby. And maybe it sounds strange to you, but the truth is I wish I had gotten pregnant, because then I would at least have something other than my memories of him.

I know how all of this must seem to you, Kevin. I've always been so goody-goody, and now you're learning all of these nasty things about me. The truth comes out now, about what a dirty slut I am, about my sick love for my brother who has been dead all of these years. You must also be wondering, if I'm so filthy, then why didn't I ever do anything with you beyond the kissing and the masturbation? The only thing I can say, Kevin, is that I just couldn't. I was still missing Brian so much, and I felt like I should stay true to his memory somehow. I'm sorry. I realize now that I made a mistake, that I should have given all of myself to you right from the start. That very first time you kissed me, in the park when we were twelve, instead of just jerking you off I should have laid down and let you take me. I should have been yours all this time, Kevin.

I want you to know that I've never fucked anybody else but you and Brian, and with both of you it was just the one time each. I have to confess, though, that I have sucked other boys' cocks since Brian left. There were only a few of them, like Larry Jensen that night we got into that car accident (I'd just finished blowing him about five minutes before that), and Carl Winslow. I didn't really want to do it, not with any of them, and I'm sorry now that I did.

I can't change any of that, but what I can do is be yours completely and exclusively from now on. I will be your lover, Kevin, I'll be your total love slave. I'll let you fuck me, I'll suck your cock. I'll let you fuck me in the butt if you want to, or tie me up and beat with a whip (it's what I deserve, isn't it?). I'll let you do whatever you want to me, even if it hurts me.

I'll have sex with other boys if that's what turns you on, whether it's Steve Biggs or Larry Jensen or even Paul Pfeiffer. I'll do it with your brother Wayne, or your dad, or even my dad; all you have to do is command me to do it and I will.

I'll have homosexual sex with Jessica Thomas while you watch, or I'll talk her into doing it with you, or even both of us together. I'll lick her pussy and suck on her titties just for you. Or some other girl, whichever girl you would like. Even your sister Karen. I remember you telling me about your secret fantasies about her. I like Karen, she's nice.

It's called being a lesbian.

I'll get drunk and you can take advantage of me (like in that fantasy I told you about), or I can take drugs, or you can kidnap me and tie me up and abuse me (all of these are fanasies, as you well know). I'll even have sex with a negro boy if that turns you on. I'll have sex with a hundred negro boys. I don't like negroes, they scare me, but I'd let them all ravage me, endure any shame for your sake, Kevin.

You can take all the pictures of me you want. I'll pose nude like a Playboy bunny, I'll play with myself, I'll put things in my pussy. I can get Scott to take pictures of us together.

Or you remember that one year for Halloween I wore that Wonder Girl outfit? Not the new Wonder Girl but the old one, when she looked like Wonder Woman only a kid. I still have that costume. I can put it on for you and put my hair in a ponytail just like Wonder Girl and you can fuck me. I think that would be fun. You can be Batman.

Or I can be a hooker. I'll sell myself on the street and give you all the money I make.

Or if it's a little girl you want, I can put on little girl clothes and be your little girl. I can even get a real little girl for you. I babysit quite a few of them, and I know I could talk one of them into letting you fuck her. You know the Thorpes? They have a very cute little blonde daughter named Darla, and I know for a fact she sucks dick. She told me one night that her dad makes her do it (Mr. Thorpe tried to get me to do it a couple times, but I wouldn't). So I know she sucks dick, and I'm sure I could get her to suck yours. She might even let you fuck her. And if she doesn't want to I'll hold her down while you force her to do it.

Oh Kevin, I'm such a sick sick person. I'm willing to sell my soul for you, to be whatever kind of Winnie you want me to be. But maybe you don't want me to be such a sicko. Maybe you want the Winnie you've dreamed of all of this time, the sweet and sad one who always seemed so innocent, so clean. I can be her too, Kevin. I can be a good wholesome person, a good girl, never does anything wrong, just loves you with all of her pure heart. I can try to do that, Kevin.

Whatever it is you want, whatever you need, just let me know. Come to me, Kevin, and make me your best girl again, or your slut, or your whore, your victim or your dirty sex slave. Just come to me. And forgive me.

Please?

Love, Winnie