And in the night, another flash of loneliness
I step aside and let the boldness of my words cry out
for sanity
for honesty
for liberation
But these words can not yet match my life
for here I hide behind a fashioned name
buffered by technologies
constructing this persona who can speak the words that I dare not say
And I yearn to stand up now, on stages, on screen, at microphones
and declare the joy of my desires for all to hear,
as they may declare all theirs in recent freedom
And I yearn that beautiful children will come unto me
that I might caress those who wish to be caressed
and kiss those who wish to be kissed
and embrace those who wish to be embraced
But I despair that there will ever be a girlchild
who would desire to touch and be touched in the way that I desire
whose body would be open to me as a gateway to a taste of heaven
whose ministries would join with mine
to burst our souls into blessed emptiness
to the free-fall moments where we lose ourselves
vaster and sweeter by far than death
And so I stow myself away in this soiled tower
in this order of stained benediction
in this priory of restraint, this monastery of shuttered text
in dreams of being who my words say I am