When I was 11 years old, my best friend was my 10-year-old cousin Missy. I remember one day hearing Aunt Linda saying to my mother "Josh and Missy are thick as thieves. It's almost a shame that in a year or two Josh will be in middle school, and Missy will go all 'girly,' and they'll probably never be this close again."

Well, that's another story. Several, actually. But for now, it's 1993 and I'm 11 and she's 10 and it's a Friday night and my parents and hers went out to dinner and a movie together as they usually did. And as usual, I was at Missy's house and Susie was babysitting the two of us.

Susie was old. I had no idea how old, but years later I happened to ask my mother about it and found out she'd been 16 at the time, only five years older than me. Of course, five years is an eternity when you're 11.

It was summer, so Missy and I were allowed to play outside until 8:30. Susie checked up on us once in a while but mostly she was settled onto the living room couch, watching videos on MTV.

In 1993, they still had videos on MTV.

She wasn't a negligent babysitter, mind you: there just wasn't any need to keep us under constant observation. She was mostly there in case once we went to sleep the house burned down or something.

Just before 8, though, there was an incident: Missy fell out of a tree. It wasn't a bad fall; she cried for a few minutes, then realized she hadn't done herself any more damage than a badly scraped knee. She went into the house for a Band-Aid.

A couple of minutes later she ran back outside, the unopened Band-Aid still in her hand. "Josh," she said in an excited whisper, "you have to come in and see this."

"Why are you whispering?" I asked.

"Shhh!"

She led me into the kitchen. To the right was a staircase leading to the bedrooms and the bathroom. To the left, past a door that was slightly ajar, was the living room.

She tiptoed over to the door, and I followed her. Through the crack in the door we could see Susie, just ten feet in front of us, on the couch. Talking on the telephone. With her shirt open, no bra, and her pants and panties lying on the floor.

"Are you stroking it for me?" she asked in a hoarse voice. I was 11: I didn't even know what she was talking about.

But I could certainly see what she was doing: two of her fingers were moving in and out of her vagina. I'd taken health classes in school, so I had an idea that she was doing with her fingers what a penis sometimes did, but I had no idea what this was all about.

She started groaning and I thought she was hurt, and I was about to go in there when Missy pulled me back.

Fortunately Susie didn't hear any of this. She was too busy groaning and pushing her fingers in her vagina and saying "I'm going to cum for you," which didn't make any sense to me either.

Seeing Susie's breasts and vagina made me feel funny. I wished I'd paid more attention in health class.

I guess it made sense that I was more mesmerized by all this than Missy was. After a couple of minutes, she pulled me away from the doorway and we ran upstairs to her room before we got caught watching Susie.

"Do you have any idea what she was doing?" I asked Missy. As the older cousin, I was usually the one who knew "stuff" -- but this was "girl stuff."

She blushed.

"What?" I asked.

"It's personal."

As close as we were, we'd never discussed boy/girl matters. We hadn't been bathed together since we were babies, and I don't think I'd seen her underwear since kindergarten. Our mothers were a bit uptight about those sort of things, and I guess it rubbed off on us.

"Please?" I asked.

"Well," she said, hesitantly, "it feels nice."

"Putting her fingers there?"

"Yeah," she said in a whisper.

"How do you know that?"

"Well... um... my mom caught me touching myself there. She yelled at me so much, I thought she was going to hit me."

"But why...?"

"I don't know. Something just made me want to try it. And don't tell my mom, but I still do it. It makes me feel... um... happy. I don't scream like Susie did, though. Maybe because she's older. Maybe you have to have hair there."

"You don't have hair there?"

"Stop it, I'm so embarrassed now. I wish I never told you."

She looked like she was about to cry, so I took a deep breath and before I could chicken out I said quickly "I-don't-have-hair-there-either-and-sometimes-I-touch-my-penis-and-I-don't-know-why-either-but-it-feels nice."

Missy smiled. "Thank you."

Since I was 11, I didn't know that was a good time to leave well enough alone. "Can I ask you another question?"

"Maybe," she said.

"You don't have breasts like Susie, do you?"

She gestured at her t-shirt, "Josh, you goof, look at me. Where would I be hiding them?"

I didn't think it was that silly a question, though: there were some girls in my class who already had breasts. Myra had turned 12 last month, and she had as big breasts as Susie did. Or I thought so, anyway.

"We better get washed up for bed," I said, and ran out of her room to the guest room, where my pajamas were. She may have wondered why I was suddenly so anxious to get ready for bed, especially since it was still light out; but I realized my penis has gotten hard, and when that happened I needed to touch to make it get back to normal. This time, I had to touch it almost the entire time I was in the shower, and at first it got even harder instead of softer.

I dried off, put on my pj's, and went into Missy's room. When I opened the door, she shrieked and jumped to her feet. "What's the matter?" I asked.

"Nothing," she said. "Shut up. Nothing."

She grabbed her pajamas and ran into the bathroom.

"That was weird," I thought. I went back to the guest room and stuffed my dirty clothing into my backpack, then went downstairs. I peeked into the living room and I didn't know whether I was relieved or disappointed to see that Susie had her clothing back on. "Ready for bed already?" she asked me when I walked into the room.

"Missy hurt her leg a little. It's no big deal, but once we came inside, we figured we'd just clean up and play some games until bedtime." I was talking as if everything was normal, but I knew she wasn't wearing a bra, and that her breasts were pretty big, and that she had a lot of hair around her vagina, and that she could put several fingers inside it as if she were having sex with them, and she was doing this while she was talking to somebody on the phone. It was all so strange.

I went back upstairs to Missy's room, where she had the Monopoly board all set up. When she leaned over to give me my money, I realized I could see down her pajama top, and she noticed me looking. "What do you think you're doing?" she asked.

"I'm sorry," I said quickly. "After what we were talking about, and seeing Susie and all, I got curious. I won't do it again."

"Josh, I don't care. I told you, there's nothing there. I'd still play in the backyard pool without my top if my mom let me. Do you want to see?"

"Really?"

"Sure. We're in the house and you're my cousin. I don't know what the big deal is."

She unbuttoned her top and tossed it onto the bed. "See? I look just like you. Now throw the dice."

I threw a seven and she threw a nine, so she went first.

She didn't look exactly like me on top: I could see the areas of swelling where her breasts were getting ready to grow. There really wasn't much there yet, but for some reason looking at her chest made me happy.

"I bet we don't look alike there," she said, pointing to my crotch and giggling. My penis was hard again, and bigger than I'd ever seen it before. Was it suddenly starting to grow to its adult size? I had no idea, but it was almost pushing out of my pajama bottoms.

"Stop looking at it," I snapped, trying to shift position so she couldn't see it as well.

"Fine," she snapped back. "Then I'll put my shirt back on."

"That's different, I said. "You're still little. You wouldn't take off your shirt in front of me if you had breasts like Susie."

She thought about that for a moment. "Yeah, you're right. I wouldn't." And now I couldn't help thinking about my cousin with adult breasts. I knew it was wrong, but I liked thinking about it. I felt my hard penis stir, and I wondered for the first time whether thinking about breasts somehow made my penis grow. It didn't really make sense to me, though.

I really needed to touch my penis all of a sudden, but of course I couldn't do it in front of Missy. "Let's just play," I said.

So we started the game. Missy's chest was still distracting me, but my penis wasn't feeling as uncomfortable anymore.

We were halfway through the game when Susie came in. "I just wanted to make sure you guys were ready for--" and then she noticed Missy. "What's going on here?"

"I'm sorry," Missy said, grabbing for her pajama top. "I'm sorry."

"I thought I could trust you," Susie said angrily. "What have you two been up to?"

Missy was starting to cry. I got to my feet. "Shut up," I told Susie. "We saw you before in the living room, and you were naked and had your fingers in your vagina. Don't yell at Missy."

Susie looked as if she was going to be sick, and then ran out of the room.

Missy put her pajama top back on, and we looked at one another. This had all gotten very scary.

A few minutes later, Susie came back into the room. "You two are in so much trouble," she said. "Peeping at me like that. You're going to get it when your parents get home."

And now we were both ready to start crying. Of course, at our age it didn't occur to us that Susie would be in a lot more trouble for fingering herself in the living room than we would be for having watched her.

"Okay, kids, don't cry," our babysitter said in a soothing voice. "It was naughty of you to look at me naked like that, but I know how you can make up for it."

"How?" I asked her.

"Let me watch you naked. Then we'll be even."

"We can't do that," Missy said. "My mom said I should never let anybody see me naked."

"You let Josh see you," Susie reminded her.

"That was just my top. I have nothing there to see."

That made me think about Missy with Susie's breasts again, even though I thought Missy was plenty cute just as she was.

"Well, that's the only fair way to do this. And then I won't tell your parents. Not about anything."

"It's okay," I said to Missy. "You had your shirt off before anyway, and it's no big deal for me." I took off my pajama top, and then Missy took off hers. I noticed her little nipples had gotten hard.

"And now your pants," Susie said.

"No way," I said.

"Fine." Susie said, looking at the watch on her left wrist. "Your parents will be home in about three hours. You can stay up if you'd like, so you can be downstairs when I tell them what you've been up to."

I turned my back to both Susie and Missy, and took off my pajama bottoms. I thought it wouldn't be as bad if they just saw my butt.

My penis was sticking straight out. I'd never seen it do that before.

"No good, Josh," Susie said. "You have to turn around."

I turned around, and noticed that Missy had taken off her pajama bottoms too, and was as naked as I was. I knew I shouldn't stare, but I was fascinated by her vagina. I'd only seen Susie's from a distance, and all I'd really seen was hair.

"Not bad for an eleven-year-old," Susie said, looking at my penis.

"Huh?"

"Can we get dressed now?" Missy asked.

"Have you ever sen a penis before?" Susie asked her.

"No. Of course not. No."

"Why don't you touch it, and see how it feels."

"No," Missy said. "That's a bad touch."

"Not if Josh doesn't mind," Susie said. "You don't mind, do you Josh?"

I knew it was naughty to let anybody touch my penis, especially my little cousin. But I wanted to touch my penis so much, it almost hurt. I was sure having Missy touch it would feel just as good. "It's okay, Missy," I said. "You can touch it."

She put a finger on the tip of my penis, then pulled back. "It twitched!" she said with a giggle. "That didn't hurt you, did it?"

"No," I said. "It felt really nice."

"Do you want to make Josh feel really good?" Susie asked her.

"Okay."

"Put your hand around his penis," Susie said. "Be gentle. And then move it up and down." I noticed that some of Susie's shirt buttons were undone, and she had one hand inside it, on her breast.

Missy did what she said, and suddenly my penis felt very warm, and the next thing I knew something white and sticky was shooting out of my penis and getting all over Missy's naked body. She pulled away. "Eww! You peed on me. Josh, you peed on me!"

"It wasn't pee!" I told her. "It was something else. And it felt so good, I can't believe it. Oh, it was sex stuff. You learned that in school too, right? The stuff that comes out of a man's penis when he has sex?"

"That was sex? Did we just have sex?"

"No, sex is when the man's penis goes into your... um... vagina." It was embarrassing talking about this to my girl cousin, even if she had just played with my penis.

"You can go now," Missy said sternly to Susie. "We're even, right?"

"Right," Susie said. "You just make sure you clean up good and get yourselves dressed before your parents get home, so you don't get into trouble."

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