Note: Here is another of many letters and emails I get for my advice column. My primary advice is to think for yourself, and to let bygones be bygones. Look forwards and try to make good decisions as time goes by.

- Marilyn X

Dear Marilyn X,

I feel bad about something I did when I was a little girl. I used to tease my big brother, you know, like let him spy on me and I would pretend I didn't know he was watching me. Sometimes I left the bathroom door open while I was taking a bath. It was right across from Jim's room and I would leave the door wide open sometimes, and sometimes I just left the door open a little bit, so he could stand in the hall and peek in. I could tell he was watching but I wouldn't look at the door. I used to play around and act like a model or a ballerina and stretch, while standing in the tub. This went on for months, maybe once or twice a week. Then I started doing it when he friend was staying at our house.

I was like ten and a half and eleven years old, and he wasn't driving yet, so he must have been about fifteen. I was so proud of my "buds" because they stuck out about an inch. Most of the girls in my class had lots bigger ones, but I was still proud of my new buds. It felt good to wash them, especially if he was watching. I washed them with soapy hands and also with the soapy washcloth. I could almost feel them getting bigger when I kept washing and massaging them, especially if my brother was watching me wash them.

But the thing I feel really bad about are the times his friend Bob came over. I know Bob used to like to look at me and sometimes I teased him, too, like I would lay on the floor with my head towards the TV while still in my school skirt, and put my feet up in the air, and while laying on my tummy with my head on my hands so like my elbows were out in front of me. It pulled my skirt up off the back of my panties and he liked to sit in the chair behind me and I know he used to look at my panties and legs while I wiggled my feet.

They used to tease me and sometimes they would gang up on me and tickle me. I pretended to complain, but I couldn't help but giggle. I kept threatening to tell on them, but never did. Well, sometimes I told Mom they were picking on me. Mom didn't give me any sympathy because she said I was starting it. Then she said that if I kept bothering the boys she would have to spank me, and she would let them watch. She even threatened that in front of them, and told Jim that if I pestered them too much when she wasn't home, that he had her permission to spank me.

Marilyn, let me tell you about one night I especially remember. I had to go up and get ready for bed before she left to visit her friend. I knew they were going to go out drinking and would be out late. Whenever she went out with her friend, Mary Beth, they did that. Sometimes she would even stay over at Mary Beth's house for the night so she wouldn't have to drive home. Bob was staying over with my brother and they were going to baby sit me, against my wishes. While I was arguing with Mom about not wanting to take a bath yet, they went up to his room. I went up to take my bath when I realized there was no use arguing about it with Mom any more. She finally agreed to let me come back downstairs and watch TV after I got ready for bed. Then she left after reminding me that my brother and Bob were in charge, and that they would be staying up late, and that I shouldn't pester them or they would have to punish me.

I left the bathroom door open all the way and was mumbling to myself as if I was still mad when I went into the bathroom. I undressed completely even before turning on the water. I sat and tinkled, but wasn't too embarrassed even if they were looking in already, because they could only see my knees. When I stood up to add the bubbles, I noticed Jim's door was open a little bit, but tried never to look over that way. I stood in front of the mirror and pretended to look for armpit hair, but there wasn't any yet. I was sideways to the door and only a few feet away. For some reason it tickled me to know they were spying on me. I mean they were teenagers, almost old enough to drive cars, and I wasn't even twelve yet, and when I first started teasing them I wasn't even eleven.

Then I got in the tub and splashed around for awhile. Every once in awhile I noticed my brother's door was open, but pretended I didn't notice. I stood up and did more stretching exercises in the bathtub, and some of this is the most embarrassing to me now. Remembering how I was bending over, letting them see my fanny. I put one leg on the edge of the tub and bent over to put my hands on the bottom of the tub next to my foot which was under water. I knew they could see my fanny and pussy from behind - open - and it gave me tingles to know they were watching.

When I got out of the tub, I took my time drying off, and faced the bathroom door, but didn't look up while I kept drying myself off. Then I strutted and stretched in front of the full length mirror on the linen closet door inside the bathroom. I knew they could see my every move and I felt so tingly. Jim's door was still open a few inches.

Then, feeling really naughty, and knowing that Mom wouldn't be home for at least a few hours, and most likely not until about noon on Saturday. I went in her room and tried on some of her sexy panties and a nightgown that you could almost see through.

I waited until I heard them go back downstairs, and then I went downstairs with a plan in mind: no matter what show they wanted to watch on TV, I would want to watch something else. This happened when we only had one TV, and there wasn't cable in our neighborhood. I went downstairs, and the first thing that Jim said was, "What are you doing in Mom's nightie, Wendy? You know you'll get in trouble for that if she finds out."

"She's not going to find out." Then I held out the sides and twirled around - holding the hem of the nightie which was long on me - about half-way down to my knees. But when I twirled I knew they could both see the semi-sheer, lacy, light-blue panties - the same color as the top, but the top was more sheer. I stood between them and the TV so they had to look at me.

Jim told me to get out of the way and to go upstairs and change.

I said, "No! I like dancing. And I don't want to watch this show. It's stupid." I kept twirling around, and although Jim was trying to act mad, he was also looking at me and so was Bob. "It's my birthday in two weeks, and I'll be eleven. Then I'll be old enough to stay up and watch late movies with you guys."

"You're not eleven yet. And what makes you think eleven is grown-up?" Jim asked, pretending to be mad. "If you don't get out of the way, I'll have to spank you like Mom said!"

"One - I didn't hear her say that. Not today, at least. And two - I could tell Mom that you guys are drinking beer. And three - you would have to catch me first, and I don't think you can!"

Jim and Bob looked at each other. I got closer to the kitchen, because then I could run through the kitchen and then through the dining room, and then back out into the living room - like a big circle. Jim turned his face towards Bob and it looked like Jim moved his lips, but he didn't say anything out loud. Then he said, "Three!" and both of them jumped up.

I took off into the kitchen with Bob right behind me. I was laughing as I easily beat him through the dining room door - and right into the hands of my brother. He picked me up with he arms wrapped around me. They carried me to the living room couch where they had both been sitting just a minute before. Jim sat in the middle and forced me across his lap. I was still trying to kick and twist my body around, but Bob sat on my right ankle, pinning it between the cushion and the back of the couch with him sitting on me. He was holding my right ankle with both of his hands - so I could move my leg around, but not too far.

That's when I felt that the back of the nightie was way up my back so they could both see the panties that were kind of like a loose thong in back. I tried to close my legs, but Bob didn't let me.

I couldn't believe it when Bob smacked me. "Ouch!" I said. "Not that hard!"

Smack!

"Ouch!" I said again. "That's too hard, Bob. I'll tell Mom."

"And then I'll tell her how you got into her nightgowns and wore her favorite blue one downstairs and stood in front of the TV and dared us to catch you."

"Ouch!" He smacked me again. I was wiggling around. "OK. OK. I'll stop."

"Not so fast, Wendy. You've been asking for a spanking for a long time, so we might as well get this over with. Either fifty more spankings, even harder than this, with you wearing the bottoms, or only a dozen if we take them off you. You decide."

I had to think a minute. His spankings really did hurt, and I sure didn't want to get fifty more smacks. But if they took the bottoms off, and if Jim kept holding my feet apart, well, then... "OK, a dozen." I said, surprising myself, because in a way I was still undecided.

The panties were off me in two seconds and Jim scooted closer to me, holding my feet farther apart. Jim said, "Tell her to open her legs more so we won't have to spank her so hard." Then Bob repeated that to me.

"I heard him. You don't have to say it again." I was kind of mad and kind of worried and kind of excited. I put my knees farther apart, sliding my trapped foot out from under Jim's butt.

"Arch your back, Wendy. Hold your butt up so it will be easier to spank. I'll spank even softer if you let us rub you between the spanks. OK?"

I didn't say anything, so he smacked me really hard. Then I said, "OK, OK, I'll lift my bottom. Like this?" I arched my back and opened my knees even wider - almost like on my hands and knees with my knees as wide apart as possible without falling off the couch.

I knew Bob could see my open pussy from behind because he was sitting right next to my bottom, and my brother, Jim, could look down and see it. Then they both started massaging it - pulling it open; moving my bottom around, and even my thighs - opening them by squeezing the skin and pulling it up and out.

And then things changed. They kept doing that and I noticed my hips were moving on their own as they kept rubbing me. I felt fingers touching the edge of my pussy - stroking my lips and pulling them wider apart. I could tell by the cool air that I was wet and it was kind of embarrassing. Both of them were staring at it, but I wasn't sure who's fingers were opening and closing my pussy lips. Then I felt a finger stroking directly through my slit - from back to front and back again. A finger was right up against the opening to my vagina. He wasn't pushing his finger in that I could tell, but as I kept wiggling my bottom around, it started to slip in - a little farther and a little farther. The finger felt so big - and so good, but still I said, "No, not all the way in."

The finger pulled out and then pushed back in a little bit faster, but only as far in as it had been before. I said, "Ohhhh, gee."

That's when Jim said, "You decide, Wendy. Spanks on your bottom, or fingers in. Which kind of punishment do you want? You know you have to get punished."

I didn't say anything, but kept moving my hips.

Jim repeated his question, "Hard spankings or fingers. You decide."

"Unnn, fingers." I said, and then couldn't believe I said it. They kept fingering me and I still didn't know who's finger it was going in me that first time. It started going all the way in and I was moaning and rocking - like to help the finger slide in faster with the motion of my hips.

That's when the most embarrassing thing happened: I had an orgasm while they were fingering me. Unnn, ohhh, all the way in. Hold it in. Unnnn, ohhhh. All the way. Unnnn."

After that I went back upstairs and put Mom's nightie back in her dresser, which was always messy, so she wouldn't know that I had worn it. I put on a big T-shirt and went back downstairs without panties. After that, both of them would have me lie across his lab with my head and shoulders on a pillow. They would rub my back - at least at first - and then they would start playing with my girl parts and I would let them. I especially liked it when Bob did it. Sometimes my brother would leave the room while I was lying across Bob's lap. Then he would roll me over and lift up my T-shirt and rub my chest and my pussy while I kept my eyes closed. I could feel his boner in his pants. It was exciting, but I knew we couldn't pretend any longer that we didn't know what we were doing.

The next weekend, he was at our house again, and after Mom left, he came in the bathroom while I was taking a bath and offered to wash my back so I let him. That's when he showed me his thing. I watched him rub it until his white stuff squirted out and got in the bath water. I just got out of the tub and let the water run out. He said he was sorry, and I said it was OK.

A couple months later Bob got his driver's license and then they mostly went out with big girls, but they still liked to play with me. I feel bad about it.

I'm embarrassed about this, Marilyn, and wonder if I should ever say anything to my brother. We've never talked about it these last few years. I'm thirteen now and we don't do those things anymore. He's going away to college this fall and I'm wondering if I should talk to him about it. I know he feels guilty, too. He and Bob aren't friends anymore since they had a fight about some girl - a girl who neither of them likes anymore. I still see Bob sometimes and he's nice to me, but doesn't talk much, and he's never said anything about those times I watched him masturbate while I was taking a bath.

Should I say anything? I mean talk with Bob or my brother?

Thanks,
Wendy

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Dear Wendy,

You would be surprised how many similar letters I get. And, like I tell all the girls and boys with memories like this: You are normal. Don't worry about it. Even if some touching and feeling takes place, it's OK. The dangers lie when you are much older and could get pregnant, then everyone need to be more careful. But don't worry about your youthful playfulness as you begin to grow up. It's natural for girls to exercise their new found beauty with a little teasing. You will observe that girls and women of all ages tease. Just look at the make-up and fashion industries - all based on sex appeal, a very natural phenomenon. Keep reading my column, and I'll share a few of the many letters I get similar to what you just told me - all related to your retroactive guilt.

But in summary, Wendy: Don't worry about it. I don't think you should mention it to either of them now.

Fondly,
Marilyn X