"...And Princess Miranda and Prince Henry lived happily ever after."

"Yay! That was a good story, Uncle John!"

"I was hoping everyone would die in the end. You know, like Hamlet."

"Oh, you're so morbid, Lisa! I think it was a good story, I'm glad they got married in the end. I'm glad it wasn't sad."

"You're hopeless, Jennifer. Besides you're too young, you've never even read Hamlet."

"I'm not too young! I could read Hamlet if I wanted too."

"What did you think, Marie?"

"I didn't like the ending."

"No? Why not?"

"How can they get married? She's a person and he's a ghost. How can they... you know, make babies?"

"Oooh, gross!"

"Yeah, gross, Marie! Why are you talking about making babies?"

"Because it's an important part of getting married. I mean, all married people do that kind of thing you know."

"Oooh, gross!"

"Jeez, Marie, you're always talking about stuff like that. You're a total perv! Com'on, let's go to bed!"

"So you think I should rework the ending?"

"I think it could be better."

"You should help me rework it."

"Come on, Marie, let's go to bed!"

"You guys go, I want to help John work on a better ending to the story. I'll be up in a few minutes, OK?"

"OK. Hurry up!"

"I'm gonna throw a couple more logs on the fire here. It's cold out tonight, eh? OK, so, it was Prince Henry's and Miranda's wedding night. So, what should happen?"

"I don't know, what do people usually do on their wedding night?"

"Well..."

"Not that! I mean, like, what do they do for fun?"

"It is fun!"

"That's not what I mean! Like, maybe, maybe she takes a bubble bath? People do stuff like that on their wedding night, right?"

"OK. So, after the wedding they retired to their suite in the castle. They sat down at the table and Prince Henry opened a bottle of wine. 'To the new Princess Miranda,' he said."

"How can he open a bottle of wine? He's a ghost."

"Yeah, yeah. OK, Princess Miranda opened the bottle, OK?"

"OK."

"You distracted me, where was I?"

"'To the new Princess Miranda...'"

"Right, 'To the new Princess Miranda,' he said. And Princess Miranda drank the glass of wine and then she stretched, like she was getting tired. And he--and Prince Henry said, 'Princess, you should take a bubble bath.'"

"I don't think a prince from the thirteenth century would know what a bubble bath is."

"I suppose you're right. 'Princess, you should take a bath.' 'Yes!' Princess Miranda said, 'A bubble bath!' She went to the bathroom and Prince Henry followed her, and she blushed, because she knew that she would be naked in front of Prince Henry for the first time."

"He's like, gonna watch her undress?"

"Well, he's her husband, right?"

"Yeah, I suppose."

"So she filled the tub with warm water and lots of bubble bath and then she climbed in..."

"Wait, did she take her clothes off?"

"Yeah, you can't take a bath..."

"You can't skip that part!"

"You want the details?"

"Well, I mean, you can't just skip it."

"OK, so, Miranda was feeling very shy when it came time for her to take her dress off, so she turned away from Prince Henry and..."

"That's silly."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. She should just take her clothes off."

"OK..."

"I mean, come on. You guys all think girls are such scaredy-cats."

"You're not?"

"No! I mean, I'm not talking about me, just about girls in general."

"Oh, so you are a scaredy-cat?"

"No!"

"OK. So, she was facing him and she was feeling very bold, and she pulled her dress over her head, and then she took the rest of her clothes, her underwear, off, and she climbed in the tub."

"What? Wait!"

"What?"

"You can't--what happened? You skipped it all! Like, what is Henry thinking? What is she thinking?"

"So you want details, huh?"

"Well, yeah, like you had in all the rest of the story."

"This is going to be like a dirty story by the time we're done!"

"It doesn't have to be _dirty_."

"OK, but you want details."

"Yeah."

"Henry watched in excited anticipation as his new princess pulled her dress off. She reached around her back and unhooked the clasp of her bra and her bra fell off, then she reached down..."

"Wait, does she have big boobs?"

"Um, average size? But they're very pretty."

"Yeah? Does Henry like them?"

"Yeah. OK, so her bra fell off, and Henry stared at her breasts for a moment, soaking in the wonder and beauty of them. They were not large breasts, but they were beautiful breasts. Is that good?"

"Yeah, very good."

"Then she reached down and pulled her underwear off."

"Her panties."

"OK, she pulled her panties off, and climbed in the tub."

"What about Henry?"

"What about him?"

"Does he take his clothes off?"

"Why would he?"

"Well it's only fair, he got to see her naked, she should get to see him naked."

"OK, so Henry took his clothes off, too."

"Does she like what she sees?"

"Yeah, yes she does. She looked at him and she remembered why she loves him so much, he looked so strong and handsome. He had muscular arms and shoulders."

"But what about..."

"What about what?"

"You know, his..."

"You want me to describe his penis?"

"Well, yeah. She's going to look at it, right?"

"I guess you're right. So Miranda's eyes were drawn almost instinctively to his penis. It was large, it looked very large to her at least. And it was sticking out from his body."

"He has an erection?"

"Yeah, seeing her naked caused him to get excited, you know, aroused, so he got an erection."

"What about her? Does she get aroused?"

"I don't know, do girls get aroused when they see an erection?"

"Of course!"

"So--hold on a sec, I need to put some more logs on this fire. It's cold in this drafty old room, don't you think?"

"Yeah, it is."

"Here, why don't we get under this blanket. We'll be warmer."

"OK."

"So she was looking at his erection, right? She was excited, looking at his erection, so she reached down and started touching herself."

"She started masturbating?"

"Yeah, well, you know, they can't really, you know, 'do it.'"

"Right, 'cause he's a ghost."

"Yeah, so, he started masturbating, too."

"He can do that? Even though he's a ghost?"

"Yeah, I mean, he can touch himself, right? He can't touch her, but he can touch himself, right?"

"Yeah, I suppose."

"So, they were masturbating together. And she was... Maybe, maybe you should describe what she's doing? Since I don't really know what it's like for a girl to masturbate?"

"Um, well, I don't know, I'm not very good at describing things..."

"Maybe it'd help if you, liked, did it for real right now? Then you could describe what you're doing."

"Me? Like, masturbate? Right now?"

"Yeah, so we can get the story right, you know?"

"Um, I guess. OK."

"So what are you doing right now?"

"Well, I have my hand down my pants, but I guess, she's naked, so that doesn't matter."

"No."

"And, I have my finger on my, my clit?"

"Right, your clit. What's your finger doing?"

"Just sort of rubbing up and down on my clit."

"Are you pressing hard?"

"No, really light."

"What does it feel like?"

"It feels... It feels really nice, it's all tingly."

"OK, so, Miranda was rubbing her finger up and down, lightly, on her clitoris, and it felt all tingly. Then what?"

"Then she, she kind of moved her finger down a little, to get it wet, you know? Because it's all wet down there? And it feels better on your clit if your finger's wet. So she got her finger wet and then rubbed again."

"Still light?"

"Maybe a little harder now."

"OK, then what?"

"What about Prince Henry, you need to describe what he's doing, too."

"He's masturbating, right?"

"Yeah."

"Maybe it'd help me describe it if I were masturbating."

"Yeah."

"I need to take my pants down to masturbate, though."

"OK."

"So Henry took his erection in his hands..."

"Do you have an erection? Right now?"

"Yeah."

"Oh."

"You want to touch it?"

"Miranda can't touch Prince Henry's, though."

"No, but I suppose we can pretend that your hand is Henry's hand."

"Yeah, I suppose."

"So Henry wrapped his hand around..."

"It's really hard."

"Yeah. And he wrapped his hand around his erection, and he started moving his hand up and down, yeah, like that! Oh, that feels really good, Marie."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. Hey, if you want, we could pretend that my hand is Miranda's hand, so I could, you know..."

"You want to touch me?"

"Yeah, it's only fair, since you get to touch me I ought to get to touch you."

"I guess."

"It'll probably be easier if you take your pants off."

"Yeah."

"Now, you have to tell me what to do, OK?"

"Just put your finger on my clit, yeah, there, and then move it down a little ways so it gets wet, you know, kinda put it in my vagina a little. Then rub my clit. Yeah, like that. Oh!"

"Remember, Henry's still masturbating, too."

"Yeah, I forgot, it just feels so... Oh!"

"Marie, do you think Henry and Miranda should have sex?"

"I don't... I don't think... they can... Ohhhhh! 'cause he's a... a ghost..."

"They could try."

"Maybe, but... I think... Miranda... Ohhhhh... wants to keep... masturbating... Uhhhhh! right now..."

"I think Henry is going to climb into the tub with Miranda, and I think his penis is going to become corporal."

"Huh? Ahhhh!"

"Yeah, like, it becomes flesh?"

"Flesh? Oooohhh! OK, flesh!"

"He climbs in the tub, and he climbs on top of her, and he puts his penis inside her..."

"Oooohhhhh! Ooooohhhhh! Unnnnn, it hurts!"

"I know, sweetheart, it'll be over in a second."

"Uuuhhhhnnnn! It hurts!"

"Shh... There you go, it's over now, see?"

"It hurts, it hurts..."

"And then Henry made love to Miranda, he slid his penis in and out of her vagina. And it hurt her, because it was her first time, but she knew that he loved her, and she loved him, and so they made love together."

"Oh! Oh!"

"Does it feel better now?"

"Kind of, yeah."

"And Prince Henry kissed his princess on the forehead, and then he kissed her on her cheeks, and then they kissed on the lips..."

"Uh, uh, uh..."

"Oh, baby, oh, Marie! Oh, baby, I'm gonna come! I'm gonna come! Oh, Marie!"

"Did you come?"

"Yeah! It was wonderful, sweetie."

"You came inside me?"

"Uh huh."

"So I have your sperm inside me right now?"

"Yeah. Are you... I'm sorry, are you OK?"

"I'm fine. How weird! I have sperm inside me! Good thing I haven't had my period yet, huh?"

"Yeah."

"So, maybe I should go up and go to bed now, huh?"

"OK."

"And then, maybe we can tell some more of the story another time?"

"Yeah, that's a good idea."

"Like maybe tomorrow?"

"Sure!"