Thursday, August 30, 2001
When Nikki is sad I can always make her happy by kissing her on the neck because it tickles her and then she starts laughing every time. But I don't like being unhappy around her because I only want to make our time together the best I can. So even if sometimes I don't feel like laughing, I do it for her. What depresses me the most is this situation where I'm forced to feel like a criminal. Every time I hug or kiss Nikki, I think about what people would say about me and how we're forced to hide our affection from everyone as if we're criminals and not human beings with feelings for each other. And there is no escape from it until Nikki grows up, and I wonder if we will continue our friendship then and what will happen to us. I can't imagine being alone again. It's too late for me to look for a stable relationship with another woman and frankly I don't feel attracted to women as I used to before I met Nikki. Maybe I'm just pessimistic at this moment, I don't know.
Having a little girlfriend is not always blissful and since I've met Nikki I've been having nightmares about what might happen if our relationship comes out and people start asking questions. I don't care so much about myself, but dread to think about what could happen to Nikki if social service takes her away from her parents and forces her to become just another victim.
I belive we need to get feminists and lesbian and gay people on our side, but they're just like everybody else. I've met many lesbians and only my closest friends don't have any objections to my attraction to little girls. And this is only what they've told me. I don't really know what they talk about me behind my back. Lots of minorities such as homosexuals have just achieved their own freedom and the last thing on their mind is to undermine it by defending the most hated people on earth. I don't know how if at all we'll achieve our own freedom, but I doubt it will be on the back of homosexuals. Maybe the time will come when people will realize how unfair it is to judge someone by the way they feel or love. How can love hurt anyone? Maybe one day they will see how many people and children suffered during this mindless hate campaign against child lovers. I hope that day is not too far away and that we will celebrate it in our lifetimes.
Nikki's very curious about the internet and I show her different web sites, mostly the kids sites but once I showed her the Butterfly Kisses web site. She liked the picture on the front page but she didn't understand anything else because it's all in English. I usually translate everything for her but this time I told her it's only a web site about girls who love each other like we love each other. I was a little nervous about showing it to her. Her favorite web site is National Geographic for Kids because they have lots of information about different animals and she just loves animals.