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Subject: {ASSM} Starshadow and Friends 1/2 (All Finished and Unfinished, some zoo/best, mostly furry, caution) TBD
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Date: Fri, 06 Apr 2012 12:10:04 -0400
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Furry - Zoo

Starshadow's Beginning
Starshadow and Friends - The Early Years
John and Laura
----

Some of you have met me by now.

StarShadow, the surgical 'anthro-wolf'.

Or, in the common language, a 'Furry'.

Not someone in a suit. Someone playing at their dreams.

I dared more. As have others since.

I'm also a zoophile.

For now.

Others such as myself are rare right now.

We have our hopes.

Before that, I was a man.

One with the very ordinary name of John Kelly.

When does my story begin?

I was born. That is one beginning.

As a child, I was an outsider.

Different.

I suppose my story really begins at a local park.
----

The spring sun brightens a typical day.

Children of all ages play in the park.

Except for one.

If one looks closely, they might see a boy of about 10 sitting in the
shadows.

He is reading.

If one were even closer, they would notice that every so often, he
looks up from his book and sighs.

After gazing wistfully at the scene before him, he returns to his
reading.

Not that you could get that close.

Already, he has the well developed awareness that comes from being
hunted.

So the book is already closed and young but wise eyes look at the
world when a group of boys and girls his age get close.

'What new torment will this day bring?' He wonders.

'Or will it be the usual spiteful comments and shared laughter and
they will move on if I ignore them?'

He doesn't think it that way of course.

He's been taunted, beaten, kicked, had books torn and other things
done to him so many times that he only trembles in fear and awaits his
future.

It is long, trembling minutes until he realizes they aren't after him
this time.

They aren't even aware he is there.

Now his 'difference' takes over.

His driving curiosity about the world around him.

His need to understand and be aware.

All thoughts of sneaking off vanish in his desire to know what could
be so engrossing that his tormentors ignore him.

Oh yes, he's well trained. He believes any time *these* kids are
around, at some point he will be the center of their attention.

Distantly, he hears "horse races".... "not enough horses".... "I'm not
going to be left out!"...

Straining, he realizes too late they have finally noticed him.

"Hey!"

"There's JohnnyBoy!"

He thinks he recognizes the look in those eyes...

The predatory smile...

So he is confused when one boy says:

"There's a horse. Johnny will do *anything* we tell him to do.

"Won't you?"

He can only nod in his fear.

"Come on Johnny. We need another horse for the girls to ride in the
race.

"You're it."

There are giggles from most of the girls. Snickers from the boys.

The book falls unnoticed as he rises to join them.

After some discussion, the boys line up and the girls make a show of
examining their 'mounts'.

When one touches his bruised side and he flinches, she looks at him.

Then she moves on to examine the others.

"Come on... Let's get going. I wanna race!"

The other boys are impatient.

Johnny stands there and trembles.

He knows he can outrun all of them given the chance. But if he does
today, he'll pay later in more bruises when they finally do catch him
unaware again.

So it begins. Who will he wind up with?

JohnnyBoy is always last to be picked.

"I pick Tom." The boy chosen preens and struts.

The second girl walks up and down the line slowly. It's the one who
reacted when he flinched.

Laura. That's her name. Laura. Johnny is always careful to remember
people who show signs of caring for him. He doesn't get tricked as
often that way.

"Come ON, Laura... Choose!"

"I pick...

"Johnny."

She walks over to stand next to her mount.

There is a stunned silence.

"And he's not my horse.

"He's my wolf!

"I'm going to ride a wolf.

"Johnny is a Wolf."

There is a lot of arguing but she finally wins. Laura is going to ride
her wolf today.

As they mount and get ready, her feet bang against his sides. Each
time, he flinches.

As they wait, they watch the other girls give their 'mounts'
encouraging kicks as they spur their horses.

"Please don't kick me. Just don't kick me."

He is ashamed of his tears but he can't stop them. Nobody has ever
stopped kicking him when he begged them.

Laura's next words surprise him.

"Wolves run because they want to. They don't have to be kicked like
horses do. I won't kick you.

"I read it in a book.

"You're a wolf.

"Will you run for me?"

He could only nod and cry.

"I have to.

"Or they will beat me later for not playing by the rules."

"Johnny? Don't run very fast. I want to ride a wolf as long as I can.

"They.." and he could hear a note of contempt. "can have their horses.
Horses are ordinary. Horses are boring.

She giggled.

"I read something else.

"Horses can kill wolves. But the wolves can get together and kill
horses.

"Balance-of-nature my daddy calls it. He says it means everything has
meaning. Everything affects everything else

"I don't know what he means. Daddy is smart.

"But I will someday. He says I will."

The race was run.

Johnny, as was usual in any game, lost.

He didn't run so much as he staggered.

He was too busy thinking to run well.

He was still distracted when she used the ritual 'kiss your mount' to
whisper. "Don't forget your book."

As they ran off giggling and laughing about the race and how far
behind the 'wolf' had been, he walked over to get his book.

As he sat in the shade and thought, he felt the beginnings of hope for
the first time in his life.

He knew what a wolf was.

He also understood Laura's father's words.

He also knew wolves were sometimes loners.

But they survived.

Lone wolves survived.

"I'll be a wolf." The words were a whispered promise.

He looked at the book he held.

It was about a man named Croyd Thoth.

His hero.

A man who thought his way out of problems.

Just as legends said wolves often did.

Somehow, in spite of what had happened, his day seemed brighter.

Happier.

A park, a bunch of kids playing.

Innocent remarks.

StarShadow's beginning.
====

Healing
Starshadow and Friends - The Early Years
John, Sally, Althea and her Pack
---

"John, there's something it's time for you to do."  Sally (as she
wants me to call her) has been sitting in silence after my therapy
session.  "Maybe it will help."

"All of you."  Her lips quirk slightly.  I guess I was supposed to
hear that last comment.

"All of us?  Who is 'us'?"  OK, so it's the obvious reply.  I have a
wary respect for her after all this time.  She says it has to do with
the way I was always treated as a kid.  Something about not being able
to easily trust others.

"You and some of my other patients."

What is she hiding?

It's been a year since she took me on. I have to admit that so far,
she has helped.  This is the first time she has hinted that she
expects something from me in return for her help.

I remember our first meeting.  I was in the hospital recovering from
my wounds.  She told me I nearly died.  My comment of 'So? It would
have solved my problems.' caused a slight smile and a head shake.
'You're a survivor Lonewolf.  You're cynical, not stupid.  I
volunteered to help you.  We'll discuss payment - if I want anything -
after you're better.'  She nodded at the equipment surrounding me.
'I'm not talking about your physical health.  I'm a therapist who
specializes in non-humans who have to adjust to this human world.' She
left without another word and before I could think of a reply.

As we walk down a corridor, she surprises me with a question.  "Still
want to stop them hurting you?  Hurting others because of not wanting
to understand?"

I glance at her.  She's trying to sound casual but not quite able to
bring it off.  I get a wry smile as she remembers that my training
lets me see how tense she is.

"Yeah.  I've learned a lot here.  You know as well as I do that I need
to pay for it somehow.

"Do *you* enjoy your work here?"  She stops suddenly so I stop and
turn to face her.

"John.  If you're asking what I think you're asking - yes, I do enjoy
it in spite of the frustrations at times.  You're going to have to
decide what to do with your life.  You could do worse."

I nod slowly.  This is something we've stepped around for months.
Sally has had the patience to let me approach it in my own way.

"Helping.  I've *done* worse."  I take a deep breath.  "I'd like to
stay here.  I feel like I have a place."  I get a nod and a gesture to
start moving again.

Eventually we enter a large room that opens on a courtyard.  There are
6 wolves that I can see.

"Hello kids.  This is Lonewolf."  A few heads turn indifferently.  One
female wolf stiff-leggedly stalks over and confronts me.

"Not... all...  Wolf.  Not Huuuu..man...  A..lone."  I stand in shock.
I look at Sally.  She's studying me.  The wolfess' words are halting
and slurred.  "Hate...  I... hate...  I... not... wolf...  I... not..
perrr..son...  You...  Live...  Same...  I... no... choice."

"Why?"  Eyes filled with anger and hatred stare at me.

All my studies as a boy come crashing back.  I look around at the
room.  It's sterile.  No place for humans or wolves.  A rage fills me
as I bring my gaze back to stare into her eyes.  Her lips curl and she
growls.  I know my lips are curled into a snarl of my own.

"I don't know why.  I didn't know.  But I will.  And things *will*
change.

"Sister."

I stand and stare at Sally.  I can tell she's scared.  She's also
elated about something.

"I keep telling you I'm a therapist for non-humans.  Now you know why
and who besides yourself.  I was hoping you would relate to them.

"Althea there,"  She gestures at the wolfess, "Is the most 'outspoken'
about her situation.

"You've always claimed to be a wolf in spirit.  She agrees."

I'm shaking from reaction. "I don't give a damn about what has been
going on.  This is cruel."

Sally nods sadly.

Sally flinches when I smile as a thought occurs to me.  I've learned
far more than I've been told.  I decide to test that.

"I can work here?"  I get a nod.

"Staff gets to pick their own projects don't they?"  I grin and
gesture at the room.

Sally winces at first but begins to smile as she sees where I'm
headed.

"I gather you haven't had as much success as you hoped for here.  Any
problem if *I* take over?"

"Problems?  Oh, certainly.  Researchers are going to complain about
schedules being disrupted and so on. But, no, I'll support you as new
project head.  Be good for them to be reminded of some things."  She
doesn't say more but her grin matches my own.

So, I have a new job.

I walk over to the door to the outside and open it.  I study the
'yard'.

"That fence has to go.  If they've been cooped up in here and that
small yard all this time and not hurt anyone, they can be trusted on
the entire grounds.  In the meantime..."  I walk over and open the
gate in the far side.  "This gate is to be locked open at all times."
I remove my belt and tie the gate open.  The spring tries to force it
closed again but I make sure it can't.

"Althea.  Everyone.  Let's go explore our new *territory*."  As I walk
out, I hear some 'discussion' amongst the wolves then silence followed
by furred bodies streaking past me.

"Sally?  Care to join us?"

As we wander the grounds, I catch glimpses of the wolves as they
explore.

I have trouble believing I've just done this.

"Sally?  Why me?"  I make a vague gesture.  "Surely it was obvious
that they were being mistreated mentally."

Another thought comes to mind.  "How long have they been here?"

There is a long silence as I wait for her answers.

We enter a small clearing.  Part way across, she touches my arm and
gestures to the ground.  "Sit.  Please."

We settle facing each other.

"I could give you a lot of answers.  You aren't going to like any of
them.  I don't.  I don't like myself for my involvement in some.

"Bear with me.  You're looking at a project that has gone on for over
50 years and had many people in charge.

"Althea and the others are only the most successful group to be
processed.  The others?  Well, they've been allowed to live out their
lives in various locations.  Usually zoos or private compounds willing
to take them in.

"Did you know that if you were to remove our advantage of technology,
wolves would have long ago become the dominant predator species on
earth?  Or, if not that, co-dominant with us?

"I've earned what little trust they are willing to give a human.  I've
studied them, their predecessors and wolves in the wild.

"It wasn't until I met you that I had a glimmering of an idea.  I've
gone as far as I know how with them.  I know them better than the
researchers who work with them.

"It isn't enough.  I don't *understand* them well enough to help them
adapt to what we forced on them.

"The research teams only have their goal in mind.  I get
incomprehension when I ask 'what about the effects on the wolves?'

"Damnit, it's that human blindness of seeing only what people want to
see.  I'm part of it so I can't honestly say I'm that different.

"Sometimes, when I've spent a lot of time with them, I feel like it
would be better to kill them all and end this 'experiment'.

"They, the wolves, have asked me why I let them live.  You met Althea.
All I've been able to tell them is they are young yet.  I ask them to
wait because things can change.

"Oh, the original purpose, still unanswered.  There is a theory about
each species having its own world view.  Someone decided to try and
give wolves the power of speech to find out if its true.

"What we discovered so far is that in our arrogance, we created wolves
who aren't wolves.  My guess is that we invalidated the whole
experiment with our success.

"I've long suspected that it would take a human who is wolf like in
their attitudes to bridge the gap.

"I hate to say this.  That human could be you.  We've had volunteers
try.  They were acting as they thought wolves should be.  They didn't
believe the way you do.

"Speech gives them a past.  Maybe, maybe, you can find them a future
that lets them accept things.

"I can't.  I've tried and failed.

"Look at them.  That's the happiest I've ever seen any of the wolves
in the 15 years I've been here.  You did it in a matter of minutes.

"All you did was give them their freedom and a chance to choose.  Not
even I dared to do that."

I gaze off as I consider her words.  "They're people you know.  I
don't understand why dogs were never tried."

I try to find words to express something I felt when Althea confronted
me.

"She was confined against her will.  Held back from being herself.
Wouldn't you be angry?  Wouldn't you feel hatred towards those who
held you back?

"I grew up with that.  I still fight the results.  Someone has to
break the pattern.

"Has nobody *explained* to any of them?"  I get a head shake - no.

"Wolves aren't children.  If this is as far as the project has come in
all these years, maybe it's past time to reevaluate the goals sought.
Better yet, ask *them*," I gesture at the few wolves settled nearby,
"What they want.  It can't hurt."

I smile lopsidedly.  "Who has told me in the past that co-operation
gets faster, more reliable results than coercion?

"Give them a break.  Let them learn who they are.  Nobody can tell who
they are if they don't know yet themselves.

"You once told me I'm not stupid, only cynical.  Grant them the same.
Althea at least has learned some human words and meanings pretty well.
If she's any indication, they are smart beyond anything you or anyone
else dreamed of." Now, I fall silent and quietly study the wolves.

"This being able to freely interact with wolves is something you've
dreamed of isn't it John?    You've wanted to learn more about
yourself through being with those who understand you."  Sally pauses.
There's no need for me to answer.  We discussed my dream many times.

"Well, I'm sorry I held back so long.  This group was undergoing
modification while you were in the hospital.  I had to be sure of them
and you.

"The main project is a fairly well guarded secret in some ways.  It
has to be."

"I think you succeeded too well for your plans."  I gesture at the
nine wolves settled in the clearing.

I raise my voice a little.  "Who is alpha?"  I'm not surprised when it
turns out to be Althea.

"I...   Lead.   Speak.  Us."  She is obviously struggling with the
words.  I get the feeling she is translating her concepts into the few
words of ours she knows.

"You...  Sal..ly...  Diff..err..ent...  You...  More...   Strange...
Feel...  Wolf."  She settles on her haunches expectantly.

"You...  Help?"

I nod and then realize they may not understand a nod.  "I'll do my
best.  I've taken over for you.  From now on, we will ask, not demand
or force anything."

"Good...  Tirrrr..d.  No...  Time...  Be...  Wolf."  Then she stuns
me.

"What...  Is...  Wolf?...  Bo..dy...  Yes...  Act...  Live...  We...
Not... Know...  On..ly...  Guess."

"I thought...  But..."  Sally is as surprised as I am.

I can't tell what emotion colors Althea's next words.  In a human, it
would be contempt.  "Live.. Room...  How.. Learn...  Wolf?

"Wolf...  Out..side...  This...  Not...  Out..side.   Wolf...
Ne..verrr.   Frrree...  Ne..verrr.   Hate...  An..grrr.   Sad.

That penetrating assessment of their reality leaves me in tears.  I
can't deny the 'truth' behind the words.

"We...  Speak...  Slow...  Minds...  Fast.  Unnnn..drrrr..stand...
Fast.   Need...  Morrr..  Worrrds.   Need...  Purrr..pose.

"Sal..ly...  Do...  Best.   Not...  e..nough.   Not... Think...
Know...  Wolf.

"You...  Feel...  Know...   Quick...  See...  Our...  Needs.

"First...  Meet...  Trust...

"We...  Rrrree..turrrn...  Trust.   Not...  Hurrrt...  Oth..errs.

"Speak...  Make...  Tirrrr..d...  Rrrest....  Now...  Share...  You...
Feel."  A tenseness seems to flow out of her as she comes over and
stretches out beside me.   After she rests her head in my lap, I
gently stroke her.

How come I don't have any fear or hesitation?  Pity.  Sadness at their
plight I have in full measure.  But, no fear of them.

Suddenly, I am surrounded by furry bodies.  Each of them is trying to
get close.  They jostle each other and there are sometimes gentle
growls but there is an 'order' in the process.  I guess it is from the
social hierarchy within their 'pack'.

Eventually, once everyone is settled, I look at Sally.

"They've never done that for me.  They've been friendly but distant.

"If there's one thing I've learned in 15 years, it's to trust wolve's
judgments about people.

"They all gave me their word they wouldn't hurt people.  I couldn't
make myself *believe* they understood what they said.  You trusted
them without the words.  You bring an understanding I've never seen.
Makes me wonder at our 'experts'.

"Something else.  This is the first time Althea offered any
information on her own.  Think about it.

"In the meantime, I'm going back and doing the paperwork that puts you
on staff and officially gives you control."  She finally smiles.  It's
an honest smile that speaks of inner peace.  "It's going to raise some
eyebrows that the wolves chose you as their new leader.  That should
keep a lot of people busy revising their theories and 'facts'.

"Oh.  Speak normally with them.  As Althea mentioned, slow speech
doesn't mean they don't understand what people say.  All of them have
chided me for making that mistake at times."

I watch as she strolls off.  A nudge brings me back to the here and
now.

"She...  is...  smart.  Know... she... not... know."  This time it's
one of the males.

"You... Teach.  We...  Teach.

"This..."  He lets his tongue hang out and his eyes get a quirky gleam
and his lips lift oddly.  "Grin.

"Funnn..y...  Wolf...  Teach...  Huuu..mann.   Huu..mann...  think...
Teach...  Wolf.

"Wolf... Learrrn...  Hu..mann.  Hu..man... not... learn...  Wolf.

"Who...  Smart..rrr?"  I get to see nine 'grins'.  I start laughing.
====

Alpha Pairing
Starshadow and Friends - The Early Years
John and Althea
----

For the first month or so after I 'took over' and turned the wolves
loose, I was scared.  I worried that I had made a bad decision.

Slowly, as people got used to them and they explored and settled into
their freedom, I relaxed.  Not totally relaxed, just enough so that I
no longer felt my decision had been wrong.

Now, months later, I'm certain my decision was the correct one.  Once
free to roam as they wished, they quickly showed us they had different
personalities and interests.  They also blossomed and developed a joy
in life that spread like a virus.

The whole atmosphere at the institute has changed subtly.  Many are
still nervous around the wolves but the wolves have displayed an
exquisite sense of knowing who those people are and not intruding on
them unless they need to.

One pair has 'adopted' the main reception area as their den.  Already,
they have become unofficial 'security guards' and calmers of heated
discussions.  Few people are able to maintain their anger when a wolf
casually walks up and settles on his or her haunches to watch what is
going on.  Since they tend to sleep in the open anyway, few arguments
start in the first place.

Some of the tapes are considered classics by the staff.  The first
time Ridgeback settled and asked someone "May I help?", everyone was
speechless in shock.

Now, that same action by him or Saddle gets only a smile from the
receptionist on duty.

Other wolves have quietly teamed with humans of their choice.  Once
the researchers accepted the change in plans, they discovered a whole
new field had opened to them.

Camping in the small woods on the grounds is common.  Some people have
learned how to howl along with the wolves.  Some are so enthralled by
the new vistas that the wolves have to bluntly tell them they need
some time to sleep or be by themselves.

Then there is the routine Althea and I have somehow fallen into.  From
the beginning, she has been with me almost constantly.

I drift back to a couple of weeks after I granted them their freedom.

* * *

"What are you doing?"  I no longer hear the slurred, hesitating speech
that startled me when Althea first confronted me.  It's still there at
times but it is fading quickly as a result of her and the others
interacting with humans.

Their vocabulary is still simple in many ways but it is expanding
rapidly.

Of course, I and a few other 'chosen ones' are at the same level when
we attempt to speak 'wolf'.

We have inadvertently learned that once they were allowed to be
themselves, our wolves are a very gregarious group with a  driving
desire to learn and communicate with anyone in their presence.  The
original research team has had to add members to handle the increase
in data collection.

I smile to myself.  One woman privately told me she wasn't sure who
was studying who any more.  With all their questions and enthusiasm,
she had a strong feeling her partner was secretly studying her at
least as much as she was studying him.  Furthermore, she found she
didn't mind it a bit.

If nothing else, this interaction has sharpened my skills of
observation.  'Wolf' is a very expressive language that depends on
body language and fur control more than it does sound.

"John?"

"Hmmm?"  I'm not fully out of my inner contemplation.

Althea jumps on my bed and rests her chin on my stomach for a moment
before raising it to look at my face.

"What were you doing?"

"Doing?"  I have to stop and think back to before she distracted me
into a reverie.

"Oh."  I blush.

"You smell good when you do that."

Oops.  Now what?  How do I explain masturbation to a wolfess?

"I was pretending I was performing a mating."

"Why pretend?  I am willing."

"What!??"  It's jerked out of me. "With you?"

"We are mates are we not?"

I stare at her.  If I ever had any doubts that wolves and humans have
different world-views, her words would have removed them.

"I am a human, you are a wolf.  We can't be mates."

I get a snort of contempt for my denial.

"I am a wolf who is partly human.  You are a human who is partly
wolf."  She rises to her haunches to look at me and emphasize her next
words.

"Your voice says no but your body has always said yes.  I have always
said yes.  If you wish to mate, I am willing."  She hesitates and I
get the impression she is struggling to put something into human
words.

"My body tells me I must mate.  My mind tells me it should be you.  If
we don't, I must mate with a lesser male.

"That is not good for the pack."

She bends her head to my crotch and nudges me with her nose.  "I am
ready, you are ready.  I do not understand why you refuse."

I reach out and lift her head so I can look into her eyes.

"Althea.  My mind never realized we are mates.  There is a human
attitude that humans must only mate with humans.  I have always lived
this way.  I've never thought about physically mating with you.

"Plus, while I recognized we are the alpha-pair, I assumed that when
the time came, you would chose your physical mate from the other
wolves.  I didn't consider what the effect of such a decision would be
on our pack.

"I need to talk to the other pack members about this.  For you, it is
obvious.  For me and the other humans, it will take some getting used
to."  I hesitate as I consider things.  This will be the first time I
act as alpha-male.  I hadn't realized that my responsibilities were
physical as well as mental.  I need to discover some things I had not
thought to ask.

There is something else.  Other wolves have chosen human partners.  I
wonder if any of them have reached this point yet.

"How many of the females are your litter-mates?"

"All."

I sigh deeply.  I was hoping for a different answer.

"We need to gather the pack.  We will meet in our clearing.  Let's do
it now and quietly.  I'll tell the people."

"Go."  I get a nod of agreement.  I watch as Althea leaves.  This is
the first time I have really understood what it means to be the
alpha-male.  Always before, I never paid any attention or noticed how
the wolves reacted to anything I said.

The sudden awareness of my responsibility slows my movements as I
dress.

By the time I tell the last person about the meeting, Althea has
caught up with me and is pacing by my side.

* * *

"Althea has made it clear I have some responsibilities I can no longer
ignore.  She also made it clear we are mated."  I look down and
whisper.  "She's in estrus.  As the alpha pair, we have to physically
mate."

"John, you of all people should have realized what would happen.  Some
of us have also been made aware of the 'real' situation."  Cynthia
reaches down to pet Ridgeback.  "Some of us have already found our
solutions.  In our case it was more curiosity than anything else.
Ridge and Saddle have settled in as a pair in the lobby."

She laughs softly.  "I'll never forget my shock when Ridge here asked
me if I would mate with him.  We spent hours talking about human
mating customs."

I smile and laugh along with everyone else.  "I wish I'd been there.
Somehow, until tonight, the subject never came up between Althea and
I.  I wanted to make sure everyone knew what was going on.  Looks like
I'm the last to know."

"The rest of the pack can do as they please.  We are alpha and
different rules apply to us."  Althea surprises me by speaking up.

There is a long silence.  Someone asks, "What other rules do you
mean?"

"I feel them."  She hesitates.  "Something inside.  We lead but we
cannot lead if we are divided.  We must be together or someone else
will lead.  I do not want someone else to lead.  John is best as my
mate.  I must be his or another pair will take over."  She pauses so
long I start to think she is done.  "My body does not care who leads.
My mind does.  If John is ever 'not alpha' I will make myself likewise
- for the good of the pack."

Whatever I was going to say is lost in the rumbling growl of eight
wolves.  Almost as one, all nine of them get up and run off together.

"John?"  Sally finally breaks the silence.  "Do you have any idea what
that was all about?"

"Vaguely.  Althea has always been the Alpha female in the pack.  The
others, if I'm understanding their response, were very upset when she
said she would voluntarily step aside if someone else ever became
alpha male.  These aren't normal wolves.  Apparently, and I'm
guessing, since they weren't raised as part of a normal pack of
wolves, they use different criteria to select the alpha pair."

George, one of the original researchers, makes a comment.  "Mind over
instinct."  He muses.  Are we seeing something that is a result of
speech?"  Or, is it just something peculiar to the pack these nine
have become?"

"Does it matter?"  This from Sally.  "John is the undisputed leader of
the humans involved in the project.  He's proven his understanding of
what is required.  By our standards, he is the undisputed alpha male
when it comes to dealing with the pack as a unit.  Althea has been the
undisputed leader of the wolves.  It's natural they would team up as
the alpha pair."

"There is something else I think we are forgetting.  Neither one of
them 'fits' in their own society.  Of all of us, John and Althea are
the only ones to have become what can only be called 'a mated pair'."
She hesitates slightly.  "John, I've known it almost since I first
introduced you to the pack.  Althea has mentioned it to me privately.
Don't let human customs blind you to the simple fact the two of you
love each other.  Lovers make love to each other."

"I..."  Suddenly Althea is back at my side.  The rest of the wolves
resettle next to their humans.

Once settled, Althea explains.  "Of all the humans we know, you are
the only one who is alpha in spirit.  That much we have decided.  Will
you take your place and lead?  They insist that you have proven
yourself and have recognized what your body knows."

"We are mates.  For the good of the pack, recognize that.  Now.  Here.
In front of the pack.  The males must watch us mate so they can
command themselves to defer to you.  As well, if you remain unmated
physically, my sisters will begin to challenge me for position.  For
the good of the pack, this must not be.  In that too, we agree."

She steps away and turns so her hindquarters face me.  Her tail shifts
to one side and I see her ripened vulva.  I feel the heat rising
across my face as I blush.  Her invitation and need is unmistakable.

"I love you Althea."

"I have known this."  Her voice is calm.  "Prove it for the good of
the pack."

The one appeal I can't ignore.  In that much I am wolf and somehow she
knows it.  Is the tangy scent drifting from her the reason my sex
drive has been so much higher recently?

Tentatively, I reach out and let my fingers drift across her vulva.  I
feel the wetness and warmth.  She holds still for this exploration.

Unthinkingly, I rise to my knees and inch forward.  I brace myself by
reaching out and leaning on her.  I feel her muscles tense and take my
weight.  She is like a rock and barely sags as I push against her.

Once balanced, I forget there is an audience and reach again to feel
her.  I fumble at my clothing and let my pants and shorts slide down
my legs.  I feel again.  I bring my hand to my nose and for the first
time, consciously smell 'female wolf'.  Pungent.  Musky.  Stimulating.
Different.

I probe her more deeply.  First one finger, then two.  She is
incredibly tight but I feel her muscles slowly relax and allow my
entry.  As I spread my fingers, I feel her vulva and vagina
reluctantly yield to the pressure.

Will it be enough to allow my penis entry?  Actually, I'm no longer
thinking maybe.  My body is being taken over by my lust.  I *will*
gain entry - it tells me.  I cannot deny that unless she turns on me,
we will couple.

I'm stiff.  I lubricate myself with her fluids.  She relaxes enough to
allow me to try and line us up.

There is a problem.  She is too tall.  I go to one knee and try again.
She is still too tall.  I stand and she is too short.

The passage of time has let my lust take control.  I do not see or
remember there are others.  There is only Althea.

I bend my knees slightly.  I use one hand to brace myself by placing
it on her back.  The other reaches down and finds her quivering as I
shift my hips forward.  A finger gains entry and acts as a guide for
my tip.

Heat.  Wet heat surrounds me.  I tense my muscles and begin to drive
myself forward.  There is awkwardness as I realize I need to dip
myself further and shift so I drive my penis slightly upward.  I meet
the resistance of her first ring of muscle.  In my effort to drive
myself, both hands shift to grab her legs and pull her back as I drive
forward.

Resistance.  Subtle loosening barely felt.

Suddenly, the resistance vanishes and I slide completely home.  She
surrounds me.  It seems an eternity before I shake myself free of my
success and begin to move in that age old rhythm.  Through it all,
Althea remains firmly braced and lets me do all the work.

Quickly, I reach my climax and jerk us together.  My ejaculation is
actually painful as it forces its way into her.  My legs tremble and
remind me of the strain they are under.  Unwillingly, I sag backwards
and would have fallen if someone hadn't reached to steady me.

My crotch is chilled as the cool night air touches it.  Gratefully, I
lean into whoever is supporting me.  I shift and let myself settle to
my knees and then slowly shift so I am laying on my side.

I don't have any desire to cover myself.  It is all I can do to simply
lie there and catch my breath.

Meanwhile, Althea has turned and is cleaning herself.  Then she comes
over and nuzzles my crotch and starts cleaning it.  I feel her flinch
slightly each time one of the other wolves noses her and checks her
out.  Is this some sort of ritual?  Is it automatic?  I don't know but
it continues until all have tasted our mingled fluids.

Once satisfied that she has cleaned me to her own standards, Althea
takes some time to clean herself more carefully.  Then, finished, she
carefully settles next to me, sighs and falls asleep.

"John?"  I look up into Sally's eyes.  "How do you feel now?  All
this?..."  She gestures vaguely and indicates everyone.

I think about what happened.  "I think it was inevitable.  Ask me
again when I've had time to think about it.  Once we started, nothing
else mattered."

I hesitate and look around at everyone.  "I was afraid at first.  I
wasn't sure I could do anything physical.  Once I got started
though..."  I trail off as I remember and try to find the right words.

"For the first time in my life, I felt free.  I knew that while what I
did is 'wrong' for humans, it was right for me."

"I'm not a human.  I'm a wolf.  Althea, in her way, helped me break
free of those last, lingering doubts."  I reach down and pet her
slowly.  Golden eyes open and stare into mine.

"We are alpha.  We are together and one.  That is all that matters."

"Yes my love.  I realize that now."  I raise my head and look at
Sally.

"Does that answer your questions?"

"Some of them.  Raises others but they can wait because I don't think
any of us have the answers yet."

I gaze off at my past and then look to an unknowable future as I
gently pet Althea.  "As she says, we're together.  That's answer
enough right now."
====

Discoveries
Starshadow and Friends - The Early Years
Starshadow and Althea - A Duet
----

Man in shape,
Wolf in mind,
I stood alone
Until I met you.

(Wolf in shape,
Not-wolf in mind,
Unknown to myself.
Until I met you.)

Knowing without words.
(Repaid with our trust.)
An opening gate.
(Freedom to be.)

A gentle nudge with a nose.
(Light caresses that linger.)
Outcasts together.
(Seeking our future.)

Still somehow alone
(Your body knew better.)
A nudge with a nose.
(Demands yet unmet.)

The pack joined together
(Recognition of duty.)
Discussion
(Decisions.)

Embarrassed adjustment
(Urgent completion.)
Acceptance.
(Affirmation.)

No longer alone.
(Partners at last.)
A future together.
(Mates in all ways.)
====

Background and Introduction
Starshadow and Friends - Project Transform
----

Background... An apology... And musings on the concept of
'biosculpting'.

This series has it's beginnings sometime in 1997. That was when the
two main character's names and the concept of biosculpting were
'created' as they are used here. Those of you who are reminded of
Samuel Delany's Babel 17 get extra points. The concept fascinates me.
I've chosen to explore it from my point of view.

The original series was to be an exploration and collaboration about a
man's concept-of-self that drove him to change his outward appearance
and inner abilities into those of an upright wolf.

In the original, he was a successful artist with a hidden desire.  Not
a zoophile but intensely drawn to wolves. The main woman involved, the
one who eventually becomes his 'mate', was a researcher in
biotechnology and hormonal manipulation of humans. She was part of a
project to seek out and find someone who would be changed from a human
into an upright animal using every known means and concepts developed
as part of the project. A project on the frontiers of
surgical/hormonal transformation of the human body. It was felt that
the project would fail horribly if the 'subject' was not already a
person who felt they were 'trapped' in the wrong body. Whoever
submitted to this would become part of the team. Share their goals.
Not just be acted upon. Nobody involved knew if they would ultimately
be successful. There are no guarantees, no way of predicting all the
results of their manipulations.

It would take a special courage to take that final step. John Kelly,
sometimes known as StarShadow, was that person.

The concept of biosculpting, a scene involving the main characters as
children, and their names are pretty much the only remains of that
original story. The original story was to be a collaboration. I
strongly felt then and feel now that continuing our original story
without that person's participation or permission would be ethically
wrong.

That person, if they read this, will find elements of our original
story. I hope the direction I switched to is different enough so that
I can be forgiven for continuing with some of the ideas we worked on.
I also hope they are not too upset at my brief summary of that
original story line.

Thank you for your help with the original characters and concepts.

Those who know me from more than reading my stories will note that I
sometimes use an online persona with the same name as the main male
character.

It's no coincidence. The first work on the series was done before I
started using the name StarShadow and developing his persona. Shortly
after the creation of Starshadow's reality, I wanted to find a new
name to reflect some significant attitude changes and other changes in
my life. I was drawn to the character of Starshadow and decided to use
him as my furry persona. Plus, the idea that you can *build* your
future rather than live in the past is important to me.

So, the end result is a merging of identities. StarShadow, as
originally 'created' used elements drawn from myself.

The Starshadow you meet here is partly myself, partly dreams and
partly 'exploration of possibilities given that certain basic things
may become possible'. The reality is that we can already do most of
what I mention here. Physical biosculpting could be a reality *now* -
given a willing subject, the money - and a team willing to take the
risks of being 'first'.

Would I submit to such? I don't know. It fascinates me. It terrifies
me. Certainly there are parts I would agree to.

Where would these new parts come from? Currently, something, perhaps
many somethings would have to die so I could selfishly fit myself into
a 'vision' of what I 'should' be.

I don't know. Ask me when you are serious about doing it. Ask me when
I *have* to make a final decision. More cynically, ask me when you are
willing to give me enough money for me to live comfortably for the
rest of my life. In the current world, I can count on having to live
as a recluse or part of a special research compound. Few communities
would let me live 'as myself'. Which 'freedom' is more important? The
freedom to be able to go wherever I choose when I choose to? Or the
freedom of knowing I am at long last 'myself'?

Everyone who uses an online persona has internalized ideas of the
'reality' that persona lives in. Over time, those who interact with
them get glimpses of that world.

"Hello neighbors. I'm StarShadow Stealthwolf.  I'd like to share part
of my life with you."
====

Day One
Starshadow and Friends - Project Transform
Starshadow, Althea, Silky and Nathan
---

Tail twitching in agitated response to my nervousness, I sit with, and
study, the people who have made it to this point.

This is the first time all of the applicants have been together. The
first time I've met them. I've studied abstracts of course. Seen a few
tapes of interviews. Now, the preliminaries are done. It is time for
final decisions to be made.

Because I will be sculpted along with whoever continues, we decided
that I would not take part in the screening process except as an
observer.

Until now.

They are a mixed lot, that's certain. Some normals, but most of them
have had some sort of biosculpting done. 'Sculps'. Tails, ears, fur,
scales or other changes to their bodies.

I snort to myself in amused and somewhat bitter remembrance of my own
sculpting. The sculps here, except for myself, are cosmetic only.
After a generation, there still aren't many like myself in the world.
We all know each other.

Even if we've never met before, we recognize what we are.

Therapeutic sculps. People who, at the suggestion of their therapists,
have not only added something, it has been fully integrated into their
body and nervous system.

My tail for example. To remove it would involve rebuilding my nervous
system. The initial 'installation' involved a lot of pain, failures
and relearning on my part as nerves were rerouted, reconnected and
even new ones laid in place.

There is also an internal change.. It is significant on an emotional
level more than it is as a medical procedure. Important only to myself
and my current life-mate.

One of my testicles is not the one I was born with. By pressing in a
certain manner, at a special place on my body, I may choose to father
human children, no children... or wolves.

Something happened to my tail in the years since I added it. We,
(myself and the team who did the work) are still trying to understand
what happened.

I adapted to the point where my tail reacts to unconscious commands as
well as conscious ones. It's never still unless I force it still. That
difference is what lets me know that the other sculps are cosmetic.
Their extra parts do nothing as they visit with each other. There is
no integration into their personalities. Tails, ears or whatever...
their visible parts are motionless unless they are showing off. Their
body language is 'incomplete' to one such as myself or those who know
and work with us.

So, by nothing more difficult than a few minutes of quiet observation,
we are able to tell if another sculp is something more.

"Star?" A gentle touch and a whispered word brings me back from my
musings.

"Hello, Althea." I kiss the nose of the wolf who has arrived and put
her front feet on either side of me as I sit in the chair.

A growing silence tells me she has been noticed.

Althea is a sculp as well. A wolf who was successfully altered and
made capable of human speech. The experiment was a success. Of sorts.

She, and the few like her, confirmed something that was suspected for
many centuries. The form of one's body and how it interacts with the
world, shapes your thinking.

No longer truly wolf, she and the others like her are rejected by
normal wolves. Most humans see only the wolf and respond as centuries
of propaganda has taught them to. With fear and rejection. Even those
who worked with her are, at times, uneasy around her.

Nine years ago, about a year after my sculpting, we met for the first
time. Rather than fear, I was fascinated. Althea was a dream come to
life. A wolf who could try and tell me what I should have been.

One form outwardly animal, the other outwardly human, it wasn't long
before we discovered that we didn't care to let such trivia affect how
we saw each other.

Two souls in search of a fragile stability, we finally accepted that
we were never going to return to our past as one-sided beings. I tell
her that now, before she plays her part in what is about to happen
here.

"I love you Althea." I whisper the words as my lips brush an ear.

"I know." Her own words are quiet and simple. "Now though, we have to
tell all these people what couldn't be said in the public broadcasts."

I watch with a trace of an amused smile as she turns to wander amongst
the people gathered. A few times, she pauses to look directly at a
person. Some smile nervously, others freeze in place. A few
tentatively reach to touch her head and pet her. One or two look at
her and then at me. It is obvious that they are wondering just what
our relationship is. Our voices were soft so nobody knows she can
speak.

As this goes on, a few look at the clock and start getting nervous.
The time stated for the preliminary screening has come and gone.
People begin to fidget.

I'm probably the only person who realizes that Althea's 'random'
wanderings have let her check everyone present.

Now, she steps to the speaker's podium, turns to face us and settles
on her haunches.

"May I have your attention?"

She has to say it several times before everyone realizes who is
speaking. Once there is quiet, she continues.

"Welcome. I am Althea.

"My role in selecting you is over."

I breathe a heartfelt sigh of relief. Althea was our final method of
screening. All she can tell us is that she can tell if someone has
inner qualms they are unaware of. She calls it 'fear that affects
their ability to survive' My theory is that it has to do with a wolf's
ability to discover the weakest prey. How they can look at a herd and
even though all look equally healthy, almost unerringly focus on the
weakest. I realize they are opportunists when they hunt. Still, Althea
has proven herself many times.

I don't have to tell anyone they have been eliminated.

"StarShadow?" She looks at me and heads turn in my direction.

I rise to walk over and settle beside her. "The preliminary screening
is over and you are all potential transforms.

"Thank you for your patience during this part of the screening
process. She had to interview each of you in person and that does take
time.

"Greetings fellow sculps. Welcome to you normals who have made it this
far. This is it. All that is left is this discussion period. Then, you
decide if you want to become a part of Project Transform.

"I am an example of how this project began. I am a therapeutic rather
than cosmetic sculp.

"Essentially, I have accepted that many of my basic attitudes are more
wolf than human. I don't deny my humanity. I admit that for some
reason, I was either born with or adopted many of the characteristics
of wolves.

"Extensive therapy led to the inescapable conclusion that for me and
others like me to be able to have a *complete* self-image, we need to
have our bodies sculpted so that they match our internalized vision of
what we should look like.

"Most humans don't need this.

"It isn't a game. A way to experiment with your image.

"It's rebuilding yourself.

"Everything added will be fully integrated into your nervous systems.
There will no way for you to use your body to lie when this is over.

"My tail is a good example of that. Ten years ago, adding a tail was
common. Fully integrating it into your nervous system was not.

"Mine is so fully a part of me that if you understand wolves or
canines, you can read my every emotion.

"Hide my tail, and I can hide my true feelings.

"After I go through the rest of the transformation I will be unable to
hide anymore.

"My wife Althea cannot and does not wish to hide from the truth. I
don't either.

"This is the reality of Project Transform. Total openness and honesty
for the rest of your life.

"Think carefully before you continue. You will no longer have the
comfort of 'social politeness'. Very few can live that way. Very few
can accept people who live that way.

"People will be able to lie to you. You will never be able to lie
back.

"Outward denial, that most favored of human ways to hide, will no
longer be a realistic option for those who you who join me. You'll
still be able to deny things to yourselves. It will be far more
difficult to do though.

"You will stand between two worlds. Born 'homo sapiens' you will
become, for lack of a better term, 'homo transform'. In my case, I
will be 'homo lupus'.

"For anyone who takes the final step with me, they must accept as we
have...

"Whatever you become...

"You will no longer be 'human'."

I smile wryly. "You'll be a lot more honest though."

Silence. Very thick silence as people consider our words. Nervous
glances at each other. Eyes slide nervously across us as they study us
with expressions ranging from disgust to curiosity.

"Please, feel free to discuss things amongst yourselves or ask us
questions. Althea and I don't have all the answers but we do have more
knowledge that will help you reach your decisions.

"There is another consideration. It will be at least five years before
the next group is processed. And yes, current plans call for at least
two *groups" before doing any transforms on an individual basis. *We*
have to take the first steps on a new path. *We* have to be able to
prove that this is indeed feasible and can be done successfully.

"The loneliness of being different will be emphasized. All of us, to
varying degrees, will straddle two worlds. Truly, we will be
'intelligent animals'.

"I don't know where or when those of us who seek soul-mates will find
them. Or, for that matter with what species.

"Sex with a human partner could become bestiality. Sex with an animal,
your completion.

"You could find completion or temporary solace with anyone or any
animal. Sculp or non-sculp. Only the future will tell."

At that point, I fall silent and settle next to Althea. Relaxed
outwardly we answer questions as people discuss what has been
revealed.

After a couple of hours, a young woman says what many are obviously
feeling.

"I..." She pauses nervously. "I don't think I can go through with
this. It's one thing to 'pretend'. I guess I wanted to act out a
fantasy.

"I thought I wanted to be a feline.

"This...

"It's something I didn't expect. It's for the rest of my life.

"Even if it's reversible, the memories aren't."

She bows her head and then raises it to whisper.

"I finally realized I'm not a feline. I can't do it even though I know
I could."

With that, she smiles tentatively and turns to walk out of the room.
That action triggers others into action. Some gesture helplessly,
others shrug as their eyes meet mine.

When things settle, there are seven of us in the room.

Althea: sculpted wolf. She's ten years old and still in prime
condition. Nobody knows if some other more subtle things done to her
parents and then her generation will extend her lifespan beyond that
of unmanipulated wolves. She and her siblings are the results of the
first successful attempt to engineer wolves to allow them to learn and
use human speech. Her command of our language has taken years to
perfect. When calm, she speaks clearly, yet with an unmistakable
'accent' that is hers alone. When excited, there are 'gaps' in her
speech that have been replaced with body language.

Jacob: male normal. Twenty-three years old. A man who recently
discovered in himself an 'affinity' for canines. His
feelings/attractions are still something that have him bemused. He's
experimented with sex at one of the places that offer such amusements
for their guests. Instead of raw sex and thrills, he admits that after
the first few times, he is more 'comfortable' with canine partners.
What that 'comfortable' is, he can't yet put into words.

Lisa: human female sculp. Twenty-six years old.  Feline tail, fur on
her arms and tufted ears. There is quiet laughter that she openly
shares in when she says she has no grandiose dreams or desires to
become some exotic creature. "Picture me as a Siamese cat. Aloof until
I decide I want to be your friend. Then, very, very vocal." Her
speaking voice is quiet. Until she spoke, she has been unobtrusive and
virtually unnoticed during the discussions. Not a therapeutic sculp, I
have the feeling that is only because she was never under any sort of
treatment. Or was never aware of the possibility of the sculpting
becoming more.

James: male sculp. Almost forty, he is the oldest of our group. A
professional diver, his changes are internal. He has been given the
ability to breathe under water. He dreams of becoming a 'merman'. His
transform is something he has planned for since he had his original
sculpting done. He wants to be able to join the world of the dolphin
yet be able to walk on land. As for 'communicating', nobody knows if
the ideas he will be trying will let him talk with dolphins on any
level at all.

Thad: male sculp. He's the youngest here at eighteen years old.
Actually, his sculpting was more in the nature of cosmetic
enhancements to what he already had. His arms have been done so they
are furred as if he were a bear. Part of the puzzle is how he could
afford it at his age but I do know that such sculpting is relatively
inexpensive now. Althea and I shared a private look when he told of
his dream. Already large and massive, he wants to become a bear. I
have the sense of his hiding something. Perhaps it is the wolf in me
that is wary of him. After the muscle rebuilding and skin
strengthening, he will have great power. He says he wants to be able
to walk unafraid and deal with bears on their own terms. He has passed
all the screening but still, I am uneasy. He also carries himself as
if he has had some training in some form of self defense.

Silky: female sculp. At thirty, her age is closest to mine. She is,
without a doubt, the oddest of us all. She has had extensive sculpting
done. White fur covers most of her body, she has the ears of a German
Shepherd and breasts of a bitch. She has no tail and that puzzles me.
She also candidly admits that her vulva has been altered to resemble
that of a bitch. "I'm something of an entertainer, a therapist and a
sex object/fantasy. I don't mind being this way. I rather enjoy it in
fact." I don't bother trying to hide my own interest in her. I caught
her studying me and when I raised an eyebrow in question, she smiled
and accepted my request for further, more private conversation. I've
read some of the preliminary reports on everyone who was here. Her
real name is Laura. I can't help wondering if she is who I think she
might be. 'Laura' is a name from my past. Someone I've been wanting to
talk to for years.

StarShadow: myself. I turn thirty in few months. Male sculp with a
tail. Already more wolf in outlook than human, the transform will let
the outer part match the inner.

The conversations drifted into that cautious exploration that happens
when strangers realize that circumstances have made them temporary
associates. In this case, it is far more than that. We will be each
other's support for the next several years.

Worse yet, we will be famous. The decision has been made that those of
us who undergo the full 'transform' will go public before, during and
after the changes are made.

I can't help reaching for Althea when I mention this to the others.
Will humans turn on us as ordinary wolves turned on her and her
siblings? It sobers the conversation and leaves all of us thoughtful.

After we go our separate ways, I settle in our quarters and reflect on
things.

It was an interesting day. Althea and I were questioned about how we
felt about our original changes. How do we feel about the future? What
kind of relationship do we share?

Silence and then embarrassed laughter when Althea, instead of
answering directly, backed into my crotch and said 'We are mates'.

She has never fully understood the human reluctance to openly discuss
or engage in sex. She has even more difficulty with the strange idea
that one doesn't make love when the mood strikes. Here, on the grounds
of the research center, I will mate with her whenever we feel the
mood. I have to admit that once over my initial fears and once the
staff got used to us and other animal/human pairs, my reluctance has
been replaced by relaxed acceptance. Now, when it happens, I feel
somehow closer to Althea, freer of being human, more... complete.

Complete... Is that it? Or something else? I search once again for
words to describe how the last nine years have affected my inner
awareness.

Less restricted. Oddly, I have become even more solidly aware of what
it means to be 'human'. Aware of how restrictive our social
conventions can be to inner peace.

I still see myself as that wolf I became as a child. Now, I finally
admit that as much as I desire for my outer shape to resemble the
inner, I also want to stay 'human' in so many ways.

Althea has helped me come to terms with being both human and wolf.
Helped me discover ways to accept being a wolf in a human body.
However, after this afternoon, I find myself willing to put some of
the human parts back. Or at least, perhaps, admit they have always
been there and finally, at long last, I have the incentive to let the
human side of me be more visible.

I can thank all of my new companions for that. Honesty forces the
reluctant admission that Silky in particular has me wanting to try a
human partner at long last. Is it because she has the outward seeming
of a bitch that I want to be with her? Does that make it easier for me
to sneak up on being a 'human male'?

Does it really matter?

The wolf in me takes over at last and lets me decide to just accept
whatever happens.

All I know for certain is that something in Silky attracts me in the
same way Althea attracted me so many years ago.

Pondering a future that experience tells me will be different from
anything I can visualize, I settle back to get ready for sleep.
===

Silky's view - Day One
---

Finally, reluctantly, unable to sleep for the thoughts churning inside
my head, I get up, put on my robe and settle in a chair to gaze out
the window at the darkened grounds before me.

I see...

Hours earlier, seven of us sitting in a room and talking about our
futures. One of us is a rather ordinary looking man with a wolf's
tail.

He has no other sculpting and yet he seems more complete than the rest
of us.

No, not complete as a sculp. As a sculp, he seemed to be oddly lacking
something. What that is, I don't know.

We caught each studying the other and a briefly raised eyebrow was all
it took for him to tell me he wanted to see me later. If it had been
any other man, I would figure he expects sex. Not him. Or at least I
have the feeling he would desire more than *just* sex.

Is he as curious about me as I am him?

His relationship with Althea. He's in love with her and she with him.
They both know it. Accept it.

My mind seeks and finds the archaic term. 'Zoophile'. Physically, he
is a bestialist, emotionally, a zoophile.

Instead of seeking outlets such as myself, he found his solution by
pairing with his real interest and didn't hide from it.

I drift to a scene from just a short time ago. Dusk. Still light
enough so the lights haven't come on to destroy the magic feelings of
the mini-forest outside.

StarShadow and Althea are walking randomly and stopping as the whim
strikes them. Obviously, the evenings are special to them.

My sudden gasp of surprise, fortunately smothered by distance and the
closed window, as she turns to him in unmistakable desire and he
responds by taking her there in the open as people drift past.

Those who stop to watch, or happen upon them, gaze at them briefly and
then, with smiles, continue on with their wanderings.

One couple stops, studies them briefly, then settles nearby to begin
their own dance.

As I sit and look at the dark, I have to wonder if I have let my
emotions take over at last.

All the years of pretending. All the times of putting on displays by
letting dogs take me. Getting paid to let men fantasize that when they
take me sexually, they are really screwing a bitch. Pretending to
myself 'It's a job. Part of how I work to help others.'

Suddenly, I see a future in which I am sexually taken not by a dog but
by a wolf with the feelings of a man.

I am terrified. I am fascinated. I feel I am being pulled in many
directions yet one direction.

'Face it, Silky. You are, for all your fancy words, still a
prostitute. One who sells her body so others may find brief happiness
and possibly themselves'. My mind taunts me with its cynical comments.

Will StarShadow see the inner me? Or will he, like all the ones
before, see only a woman who can be used?

I sigh as I turn and look thoughtfully at the closed door.

Out there, no more than a short walk away, is another closed door.

After today, I have a feeling it will open for me.

If there is one thing I've learned, it is that it is best to confront
one's fears as soon as possible. Somehow, I have the feeling that if
nothing else, Star's door will open for me whenever I ask.

With that - comes purpose.

It is time I found out about myself.

As I rise, I wrap my robe about my shivering body in an attempt to
ward off a sudden inner chill.

Pausing, I close my eyes, take a deep breath...

Then force my suddenly unwilling body to take that first step.
===

Silky and Starshadow meet - End of Day one
---

Before I can do more than raise my arm to knock, a male voice speaks.

"Come in, Silky."

Puzzled that Star would know I was outside wanting to enter, I open
his door and walk in.

He gestures to where Althea is laying on their bed. "She heard you
walk up and stop.

"Please, there's a chair over by the window. Help yourself."

I try but fail to control the flush that rises up my face. Once
settled, I turn to look out the window. Without turning back. I begin.

"Thanks.

"Do you know what I am?"

His reply is quiet. "Does it matter? I can guess of course.

"What do *you* think you are?

"Other than human, a sculp and confused?"

Stunned, I turn to look at them.

"Silky. I underwent two years of therapy. I've spent the last nine
years living and working at the center."

He points at the wall near me. "I've had plenty of time to study and
get that piece of paper.

"I've been a therapist for years.

"It's your story."

I study his face carefully.

No. I'm not ready to look at him and say what I need to say.

I deliberately turn the chair so I can settle back and look out the
window.

I don't know how long I have silently mused. I shake my head slightly
and begin.

"I don't know what I am.

"I've always listened to, and believed, what others have called me.

"Prostitute.

"Whore.

"Sexual therapist.

"For the last five years, I quit trying to figure it out and just
became 'Silky'.

"The dog fucker's fantasy fuck.

"Screw me and pretend you are with a bitch. No guilt trip.  Live your
fantasy.

"Or, watch me with a dog. Get a thrill as a woman takes a dog in any
hole.

"I've always been able to convince myself that I was just making a
living.

"It worked until I saw the article about 'Project Transform'.  The
call for volunteers.

"I've also been called a bitch.

"I've never known for sure who, or what, I am.

"Now, I think I know who I should be.

"Watching you and Althea let me get a glimpse of something different.
A brief look at a long buried dream.

"Once upon a time, a long time ago, a girl dreamed of running with
wolves.

"Unfortunately, her life wound up going in a direction that shattered
that innocent dream and made her into something different.  A person
who learned to survive.

"Survive using the one tool she understood and knew how to use.

"Herself."

I fall silent. Not for a lack of things to say. Rather, I have too
many things to say.

I get a glimpse of a reflection as Star moves to settle on the couch
that faces the window. Once he has settled, Althea comes over to lay
with her head in his lap.

His voice is soft and thoughtful.

"Be yourself.

"That's what 'Project Transform' is all about.

"In my case, I want my outer form to match my inner concept of self.

"Perhaps..." He pauses for a few seconds.

"Your outer form already matches your inner self.

"And the 'transform' will only help you become aware and accept what
already is."

Because I've automatically turned to look at him as he began speaking,
I see his hand reach out and stroke Althea gently. He is gazing out
the window and his whole posture is that of someone lost in some inner
vision or memory.

Althea has her eyes open and is looking at me as he pets her. She
stretches to make herself comfortable and then with a soft sigh,
closes her eyes and slowly settles into sleep.

I am puzzled at his words. And her silence. How come she has chosen to
be silent?

"What happened, Laura?" His quiet words shake me to the inner core of
my being. Then, thinking he has read my records, I relax a bit. Of
course, he would know each of our names. As I begin to recover, his
next words freeze me and I can only stare in shock as memories return
unbidden.

"Once upon a time, a girl rode a wolf. Not only did she get to ride
her wolf that day, she helped 'Johnny Boy' discover who he was. It
took many more years but somehow, he managed to always remember who
helped him discover who and what he was.

"Years later, he tried to discover what had happened to her.  Deep
therapy had let him remember more.

"He remembered that she cared enough to remind him to pick up a
forgotten book.

"Now, in some twist of fate, he finds himself with her again.

"Only, she is not the person he expected. In place of the
self-confident girl who was going to know things, he sees a beaten
down woman who has lost faith in herself and her abilities.

"I wasn't certain until a few minutes ago. I see traces of the person
you could have been by now but...

"For ten years, I've wanted to thank you in some way. Repay you for
something you did without ever realizing you had done it."

He drops his voice and repeats his earlier question.

"What happened Laura?"

I study him closely. "John Kelly." I whisper the name as it surfaces.
Some still observant part of me wonders that I can recall his name
after all these years. After thousands of names and faces, I can
remember the name of a boy who shared my dream.

We had spent stolen time at the library as we studied wolves together.
I vaguely remember seeing him sitting at a desk as I walked by. He had
had a book open to a picture of a wolf and he had been just sitting
there looking at it. Once I had seen it, I was lost. I hadn't cared
that he was someone we had picked on. He liked wolves.  That was all
that mattered to me.

"What happened?" I begin to laugh bitterly. I don't realize until
later that my laughter turned hysterical.

"Laura's family moved. Then her mother was killed and her father got
involved in drug dealing and Laura had to quit being an idealistic
dreamer and become a woman and mother to her younger brother and
sister and she had no time to dream and pretend and she wound up first
selling her body to survive and then worked in a house and when
someone wanted to see a woman mate with a dog, she volunteered because
she was tired of men who used her and at least the dog was honest in
his lust and she became a regular feature and she began to accept she
liked dogs more than men and she started having herself sculpted so
she could make more for less work because some men would pay more to
pretend to fuck a bitch rather than do so in reality and...

I finally run down and pause with tears in my eyes and whisper...

"I became Silky."

There is a long silence as we each contemplate a past we wish could
have been different. John is the first of us to speak.

"So you became a survivor. I know that feeling well.

"Shortly after that day in the park, I decided to study martial arts.
I became a wolf in many of my attitudes. Rather than use what I
studied to find inner peace, I used what I learned to stop people from
picking on me.

"It worked too. After all, I was extremely motivated to be effective.

"Then, I was around 16 or so when I became an honorary member of a
gang. By then, I had settled a bit and was more concerned with only
defending myself and others who were being picked on for being
different. The gang I 'joined' was one that believed more in
conquering inner territory rather than outer.

"At that point, I became 'Lonewolf'. An outsider who traveled his own
path because he wanted to and could make people accept that.

"A couple years later things happened and I wound up undergoing
therapy while recovering from injuries I got while defending our area
from a takeover by an outside gang that thought we were 'helpless and
easy' because we chose not to fight unless we had to.

"A lot of people died that day. I killed at least five of them that I
know of.

"Afterwards, I became StarShadow. Then StarShadow had some therapeutic
sculpting done to help himself be closer to his self-image."

"You were one of them?" My mind is a bit stunned. "No... *you* are the
one that lived but never returned. Everyone knew you made it out.
Found a way to get off the streets. Even though nobody knew where you
were or what you were doing, all *knew* you succeeded in finding a
future. If you did, others could.

"About all anyone was sure of was that you were alive and not in jail.
Had 'Lonewolf' died or gone to jail , people would have known.

"I remember part of it.

"The gang that made history. The first gang in generations to
voluntarily disband and turn themselves in.

"Did you know they were asked to return? The people helped them
rebuild their daycare center."

I look at him thoughtfully. "Do you know everyone spoke of the
teenager who saved them?

" 'Lonewolf. Without him, all of us would have died. Without his skill
and what he had taught others, all of us would have all been savagely
killed that day.' "

I lean over and take his hands in mine. I can feel how he flinches
away. Away from a past he obviously wishes to forget.

"Yes, John, I was there later. After all, even a prostitute needs a
place she can sometimes think of as 'home'.

"We come from the same streets. Are you shocked that we finally get to
meet again? That I would know part of your past? I'm not."

I look at him and then look out the window.

"Like it our not, 'Lonewolf' is a hero. Just as 'Silky' is a
prostitute.

"That doesn't mean they aren't human. Maybe they can rediscover what
being a 'human' is.

"Or, if they aren't 'human', " I whisper the next words and fall
silent, "perhaps, together, they can learn what they are."

"Althea?" His voice is a whisper and filled with questioning.

"There is a bond?"

"Ties from my past. A great debt to be paid. Yes, there is a bond of
sorts. More? It's too soon to tell isn't it.?"

"Love?"

"Possibly."

"She has needs. I am Alpha."

"You are Alpha. Thank You."

I try to ignore their conversation but it is impossible without
leaving. It sounds like many other conversations I've heard between
people who share a deep love or a long relationship. Cryptic. Every
word filled with layers of meanings.

Still, I am puzzled by most of it. There is a naked directness that
has me shivering. Can I learn to be that way?

"Silky?" I turn back to see him watching me.

"You are welcome to join us here. Althea is willing to let us be
together. It won't be easy for any of us at first."

"The pack needs to grow.  Without new members, we will not survive."
Althea is calm but intense. "I am jealous. I am also practical. I will
not live as long as he. I would like to have a say in who is next
Alpha bitch in our pack.

"Each of us could kill the other. Better we find ways to live together
and become stronger." She falls silent and watches me.

"Nine years ago, Althea and I found each other. For nine years, we've
been partnered as husband and wife. Or, in her terms, alpha-female and
alpha-male of our pack." His voice is tense.

"I've never had sex or formed a deep emotional attachment with anyone
else since we paired. It is not our way to do so with non pack members
and there have been other rules we have to follow as the alpha-pair.

"As a pack member, as 'beta-female', your joining us becomes something
we and the other members of the pack can accept more readily." He
holds up a hand to stop any comments.

"We have had years to discuss how we would handle this possibility.

"We aren't human in our thinking. Rather than be offended, feel
honored. You could be Althea's successor as alpha-female."

"That's the strangest 'yes' I've ever heard.

"Oh..." I finally realize what has been offered here.  What I really
asked.

'To run with wolves.' My childhood dream.

Except I never thought it through.

I have very dim memories of childish enthusiasm. A quick mind that
thirsted to *know*. I remember the move. Then, everything since is
seen through a fog of *not* wanting to know everything. Very few
memories pierce that fog.

What happened to that incisiveness and enthusiasm I seem to remember?
Is it a dream?

John scares me.

What makes me fear?

Street smart. Street hard. John has that on a level that I've met only
in the gang bosses.

Yet... Yet there is something in him that is usually missing in those.

My mind skitters sideways to myself.

I walk over to the full length mirror and study my reflection.

It is... an age before I finally figure out what I am looking for.

Laura.

Where, in all the changes, is Laura?

"Hidden. Perhaps waiting. Still there."

I jerk around to stare. I receive a slow nod.

Lord, I spoke aloud. Am I that desperate? That confused? I must be.

With an effort of will, I allow my robe to fall to the floor.

I watch them as I run my hands along my body.

"Where?" I reach and place my hands on either side of my vulva. "In
here?

"Seems to me to be a good place to hide. Dark. Warm.  Comforting.

"It's been the center of *my* life for years now. Controlled
everything I've done. Makes sense Laura would be there too."

Now, I turn back to face myself in the mirror.

I see...

A female. Is she really that young and pretty?

I can feel my mind awakening. Odd, I never really knew how asleep I
have been.

Is that what made me go to work in a reputable establishment?

A place where all of us were given a sense of self-worth.  Encouraged
to study about human interaction. How to read people. How to care.
Give them and ourselves a sense of being more than fixtures.  That all
of us had a purpose.

How many people have I calmly told: 'Hiding is ok. Sometimes it is
best for your mind to take a break from the pressure of living. When
you're ready, you'll come back and move on.'?

I shift to my advertising pose and smile.

My eyes study the person there. Is that person... myself?

The room and the others vanish as I watch... Laura/Silky.

Laura looks out at Silky and marvels.

All those years. All that *use* by the world.

Silky smiles back. Her smile, professional and alluring, hints of
tenderness and compassion within.

'Use me.' her smile says. 'I understand. I accept. I forgive.'

"I still care." It is a whisper spoken in a tone of bemused wonder.

At long last, a word drifts across my thoughts.

Compassion.

My legs shiver as I turn to look at John Kelly/Lonewolf/Starshadow. It
is dawn outside.

Dawn inside as well.

I gingerly settle on the couch next to him.

For this first time since I was a small girl, I utter words I only
hoped I would say again.

"Hold me.

"Help me."
====

Inner Growth - Starshadow's words
---

I want to take back my words asking Silky/Laura to join us. Not
because I want to withdraw the offer. I want to say things better.
Where is that polished speech I learned to use as a therapist?

When she finally answers me, her barely breathed 'Oh...' is
accompanied by a slowly building light in her eyes. A shift in her
posture so minute I wonder if I really see it.

Did I accidentally reach Laura?

Laura might have had enough knowledge to understand and accept our
offer as being the only way it could be done.

What is she thinking as she stands in front of the mirror? Her posture
is that of someone searching. That's all I can read.

Whispered words tell me she is looking for the person who was. The
little girl, Laura.

She doesn't realize she has spoken aloud until I answer her quietly
with words of my own. "Hidden. Perhaps waiting. Still there."

Sometimes, the hardest thing to do is to remain silent. For the rest
of the night, I watch her. First, she lets her robe fall to reveal her
whole body. She's beautiful. Her self-mocking comments as she cups
herself serve to remind me of how long it has been since I have been
with a human female. I had wondered how accurate the sculpting was.
Extremely.

All I do is nod my head slightly to acknowledge I have heard her.

My last memory is of her turning to study herself in my mirror.  When
she shifts to what is obviously a professional pose, I want to go to
her and hold her close. Make love to her. If she has this effect on
me, I can understand her success at letting others take her as a
bitch.

She is one. One who calls to me as Althea does.

I wonder if she realizes how much of her shouts bitch rather than
human?

I turn away to watch the night. Eventually, I fall asleep.
====

Day Two
Starshadow and Friends - Project Transform
Starshadow, Althea, Silky and Nathan
----

Chapter One - Acceptance
----

Unfamiliar movement wakens me to dawn's light.

Silky/Laura is settling next to me. Her body is tense and speaks of
unsureness as she utters words to accept our offer.

"Hold me.

"Help me."

I wrap an arm behind her back and pull her gently into my side.

Fur presses against flesh in unfamiliar ways as we carefully find a
balance.

I feel her shiver a bit and then silent tears flow for a time.
Movement and sobs end as she settles into sleep.

I look at Althea and we smile at each other. We would have helped
Laura anyway. This night has made it personal for both of us.

It is past noon when Silky finally wakes up. Althea has been and come
back and left again. She has her own duties to attend to.

In fact, it is the tick of her toenails as she leaves that awakens
Silky.

"Nathan?

One hand strays to my crotch to lightly touch me. She jerks back
suddenly and looks at me.

"Oh!" Her head slowly turns to look around. "I didn't dream it."

"Old habits. I always wanted to make sure men would remember me
favorably."

I nod and squeeze her a bit. "I don't mind.

"New habit for me. Althea and I usually have sex before starting our
day. Gives us something happy to think about while dealing with things
out there.

"For the most part, we're 'on-call'. Especially now." I don't explain
more. She'll find out over the next few weeks.

* * *

I wake to the familiar click of toenails on a hard floor. Sleepily, I
murmur: "Nathan?"

When I am not immediately greeted with a slurp, I realize I am not in
my own bed. Instead, I am leaning against a male body and sitting on a
couch. Still in a daze, I automatically reach to give my latest
customer a farewell touch. It's proven good for business over the
years.

He's dry and I don't feel as I usually do after sex. This brings me
fully awake and I hastily apologize to Star.

I can tell he's somewhat amused by what has happened. His casual
comments sound like an invitation to more if I wish it.

Do I? No. I have other things to think about. I lean against him and
look at the day ahead.

"Nathan. He's my current lover. A dog. Should I bring him here?"

I sigh. "I have to. He's mine as much as I am his. I picked him out
when I needed to replace the first dog. He performs with others but
he's made it clear I'm who he prefers. If he isn't wandering the
place, he's usually camped as near to me as he can get.

"I also need to get my things. The sooner I clear out, the happier
everyone will be. If only because it will return my room to being
available for use by whoever replaces me.

"Not with Nathan though. He's *mine*."

I look out to try and hide the intensity of my emotions. Did it take
last night for me to realize what I feel towards Nathan is more than
affection for a dog who has learned to perform well in front of
strangers?

"Will there be a problem? Right now, I care for Nathan more than any
other person in my life. I want to explore with you but... He's *my*
Alpha male. I simply never realized it before."

"Well, he and Althea will have to sort things out between themselves."
Star's voice is thoughtful in tone. "I hadn't thought about the
possibility of you or anyone else being emotionally committed to a
non-human partner already.

"Let's go eat. Plenty of time for you to be taken to get Nathan and
anything else you want to keep.

"Don't worry. There will be few problems if any. Nathan is 'just a
dog'. And, if I recall correctly, money still speaks very loudly where
you and I are from.

"Even if I weren't willing to help, you could afford to buy the place
where you work. With money left over."

I stand and turn to look at him. "Me? That rich? I'm a prostitute. I
don't have that kind of money."

He goes to the bathroom and begins to get ready for the day. He leaves
the door open and I can see his body and hear his comments.

"You do now. What has been a well kept secret is that everyone in the
first batch would be multi-millionaires as soon as they sign the
agreement." There is a long pause.

"I wasn't kidding when I said we'd be famous. What I was told to leave
out until everyone was certain they were going to go all the way...

"Is that the center and a major media organization agreed to advance
all of us payments for our stories."

I nod as he continues. I hadn't thought about it but it's obvious that
the center and the media will make far more than they spend.
Especially the media. Just the thought of what all our stories could
make stagers me.

"Partly so that if things fail, we get some benefit from what we are
doing. Partly to give all of us enough money to defend ourselves in
court should the center fail to protect us.

"Mostly though... It was forced through because all of us who have
planned this want to salve our consciousness by apologizing in advance
for what is going to happen soon.

"The mistakes made with Althea and her companions taught everyone a
lot.

"You said 'Lonewolf' is a hero. I knew part of what you told me. There
is a manuscript for a book that has been sold. I was asked to
contribute to parts of it.

His voice turns bitter finally. "I know about fame. The price one
sometimes pays. I was lucky enough to find support here at the center.
To find Althea early on.

"Well, I hope we can prepare you and the others for what will come in
the next few years.

"Welcome to hell, Silky. For that it most certainly will be once we
open our lives to the masses."

I stand, stunned at his bitterness. What is it that makes me go to
join him in the shower?

Ties from a shared past? New ties formed in the last 24 hours? A fear
of the future?

No... Well, some of each of those. Ultimately, I admit I'm hard
myself. Street smart. Street tough. And, compassionate. We are in this
together now no matter what our personal feelings wind up being.

I grab the soap. "Here. Partner. I have a feeling we are going to be
spending a lot of time giving each other support."

I look at the shelf next to us and laugh gently. "Dog shampoo. I just
realized something. *You* won't have any problems when it comes to
washing *my* back. You're already familiar with the problems involving
fur.

"Do you know most men haven't a clue about how to wash fur?"

I am rewarded with silence and then a chuckle. "Wet fur is erotic to
some. Especially wet and soapy fur."

As I soap him, his hands reach for the bottle and he begins to lather
me.

We are close in height and it pleases me. It must please him as well
because once we are fully lathered, we begin to rub our bodies against
each other.

I shiver as his throbbing maleness slides between my legs.

This is all the more enjoyable because it is unplanned. I know there
is no time limit. No need to worry about pleasing him. I want to make
this last for as long as I can.

It is a deliciously stolen time of exploration. A first time. Deep,
deep in some inner part, Laura looks on and smiles. I feel her wonder
as she finally returns to life. I am still Silky. Nothing can change
that. Now, Silky is discovering that her dream of caring for someone
special, being treated as someone special, is every bit as pleasurable
as she has hoped.

"I never believed those stories people told me about meeting someone
and both of them knowing they were going to wind up making love with
each other even though they never talked of it.

"Now I believe them." I smile at him. "Except I've told you I want
you. Soon."

Star has no more body hair than most men. I run my hands along his
body and marvel at his overall hardness. I raise my head to ask him.

"I still exercise and practice. I am a Master."

I nod and return to playfully poke and squeeze. He obliges by tensing
and relaxing his muscles as I wander his body. Muscles that have
relaxed under my hands as we soaped each other suddenly tense and feel
rock hard.

As we play our gentle game, I notice one 'muscle' that wavers between
hard and soft.

Soapy hands reach down to explore and gently tease. Regretfully, I let
go and reach for the washcloth. Carefully, I make sure to scrub every
part of his body.

Suddenly, I realize that in my newfound haze I have missed a part of
him. His tail. "Turn around."

I grab the shampoo and lather his tail. I focus on the feel of it.
Marveling, I stroke the base of his spine and watch his tail twitch.
It lifts and begins to curl in a manner I recognize. Arousal. I've
only seen such in animals before this.

How come I never had a tail installed? Part of me surfaces to realize
that I never had one because I feared it would reveal my general lack
of interest in most men. Reveal too much of my inner self. That and
most of the men I have been with told me they wanted to be able to
have me pose in dog style so they could see me clearly. They felt a
tail would get in the way.

At long last, assured I have now soaped and examined all of him, I
reach for the showerhead and begin to carefully rinse him.

Finished, I look at him and set it aside. "Your turn." I whisper.

* * * 

My turn. A distant part of me is glad I asked Althea earlier. I have
wondered if I could still perform with a human female. My anxiety
seems to be unfounded.

I don't want to know how many men or women Silky has been with. I
accept it has made her skilled.

She has voluntarily offered herself to me. That's what is important.

I think she too has had fears of her own. She has admitted that her
true 'lover', in her eyes, is a dog.

These and other thoughts pass through my mind as I finish lathering
her fur.

My hands work along her body and press and tease her. I am mildly
surprised to discover that Silky responds to many of the same caresses
I use with Althea.

I turn her and then kneel. Water cascades over me as I reach between
her legs to carefully lather her vulva and massage her flesh. A finger
inserts itself and gently teases her.

I am certain that I do not have the skill of many of her past lovers.
It doesn't seem to matter though. I feel her arch her hips forward in
response to my actions.

Regretfully, I stand and reach for the showerhead. Starting at her
head, I proceed to rinse the soap from her body. I also rinse myself
of any soap I have picked up.

I set the showerhead in its holder so it cascades warm water over the
two of us.

Now, I turn her and reach to sheath myself. A hand joins mine and we
move together until there is no more space between us. I remove my
hand. Slowly, she caresses what little of me is still unburied. She
pulls her hand away and then unmistakably drives herself onto me.

Her lust triggers mine.

I become a hammer to her anvil and quickly thrust in and out. I seek
only to release myself in her.

Slippery, moist, every sense I have is turned to completing myself.

It is quickly over. Somehow I can tell she is uncompleted.

"I'm sorry. I'll try to be more considerate if there is a next time."
My words are smothered by her lips touching mine.

"It's ok. There will be a next time. Less 'lust' and more 'love'.

"There are things I need to learn as well. You aren't just another
body I need to satisfy as best I know how. That's something I have to
get used to."

* * *

Star has hammered me with his lust. He's also deposited his semen
inside me. As I respond to his apologies, I realize I have a problem.

Being covered in fur has added a new dimension to 'post coital drip'.
I *have* to clean up but for the first time, I am with someone I care
for. I don't want to have him thinking I want his semen removed from
me. I have no control over this problem. Normally, I would quickly
take care of things or just wait until we are apart.

That isn't practical here.

"Problems?" He's`noticed something.

"I'm..." I blush. "The sex was good. I'm not a real bitch to clean
myself after. And..." I hesitate and then blurt it out softly. "Being
covered in fur has it's own problems at times like this.

"Oh." Is his voice professional now? It's certainly tinged with a bit
of humor. Before I can do more than wonder, he kneels down and begins
cleaning me with his mouth and tongue.

I feel his finger invade me and twist and turn. More slurping that I
feel rather than hear.

After a long time of this, his mouth leaves me. I look down and into
his eyes. Green eyes that glitter like emeralds.

"I'm not unfamiliar with the problems involved." His smile warms me.
"Now, if you would rather I leave so you can finish..." He hands me
the showerhead.

"No. Stay." I wrap my hand around his. "First soap. It has to cover me
from the waist down." He nods and helps me lather again. His hands are
clinical in their touch.

"Now," I pause and take a deep breath. I find I am embarrassed. "We
douche." Together we use the showerhead to fill me with warm water. I
find his gentle help makes a usually frustrating job easier.

"Help me hold things in as I remove the showerhead. I don't want to
wash away the soap yet." I shut off the water and pull it away.

I finally look up and surprise a patient but definitely quirky smile.

"What can I say?" I smile and have to suppress laughter. "Now, I squat
and hope what's left gets flushed out."

I try to keep matter-of-fact but it doesn't last and he has to steady
me as we both begin to laugh. I squat and pull our hands away.

"I assume that now you rinse?" We are out of breath and all I can do
is nod. He helps me stand and then turns the water back on and helps
rinse the remaining soap from my body.

We turn the water temperature to as hot as we can stand and then let
it flow down our bodies.

"It's a hell of a good reason to wear tight panties or something
absorbent most of the time." It feels good to be able to explain.

"I can see that I'll have to find solutions to some problems I never
considered." Star is thoughtful. "I'll have fur of my own to worry
about."

"Oh. I see. A shower won't always be handy."

"That too." He leans back and turns off the water. "I'm addicted to
cuddling after. Enjoying the afterglow."

We help each other dry off and as he gets dressed, I go over and lift
my robe from the floor.

Remembering some things I noticed yesterday, I ask a question. "Do I
need this?"

"Only if you think you do."

I nod to myself and consider. I didn't bring much with me yesterday. I
prepared for an overnight stay, is all.

I have quirks but body-shyness is not one of them. I look at Star. He
is patiently waiting for me. In sudden awareness, I make my decision.
The robe gets placed on the foot of his bed.

We embrace briefly and then, hands linked, open the door and go in
search of a very late breakfast.

Before we get very far I freeze in shock. We are looking at a man and
woman carrying video cameras. "Hello Star, Silky."

"Silky, meet Mark and Kate. Mark has quietly been following me around
for years now. Kate gets to follow you. Althea has a woman with her.
Sue. You'll get to meet her later."

They nod in our direction and smile a bit wryly. "Your time in your
private rooms and bathrooms is private unless you invite us in.
Otherwise..." Kate sighs a bit and finishes. "This will be a first.
Most of this is for scientific documentation. It all gets studied by
those involved. You have final say over what gets released to the
public."

Star sighs. "I should have warned you but I forgot. What would have
happened is that you would have had someone knock on your door and
then come in and fully explain the situation.

"I'm so used to it that I ignore Mark most of the time. Last night's
circumstances unexpectedly changed the routine.

"Only way to avoid this is to back out completely."

The lenses have never left us during this. I look at them.

"Kate, Mark. I was a prostitute. An ex-prostitute now. I'm going to
finish what I started. With Starshadow. You'll know what I am now as
soon as I figure it out.

"You'll also need another camera later today. Nathan will be joining
us."

I shrug and tug at Star's hand to indicate we should continue.

I look at Kate. "Make sure whoever joins us doesn't have any sexual
hangups. Nathan and I are lovers and we're used to performing in front
of people. He's quite a professional these days.

"He's dog to my bitch. Easy for him to do since he's a dog."

Her eyes widen briefly and then her lips quirk into smile. "Nobody
told us about that part. I'll see to it."
===

Chapter Two - Decisions
----

The sign at the door said 'staff cafeteria'. I expected just that.
Instead, we enter a paradise.

"Pick someplace to settle." Star's quiet voice brings me back to the
here and now.

I wander with him in tow. The first time I reach to touch one of the
plants, I jerk back. "Relax. They are here to be touched. Enjoyed."
With that assurance, I reach back and feel the life within. Finally, I
settle us at a table next to a wall. It is secluded (as are most of
the tables once I study things) and I feel I can carry on a private
conversation here.

He hands me the menu he picked up without my noticing. The outside is
elegantly done. I marvel at it's size. A place like this and yet this
menu opens only once. Must be a small and simple menu I figure. Mostly
atmosphere.

I open it and stare in wonder.

There is no 'menu'.

Only three simple words. 'We serve it'.

"Star?" I'm almost speechless in shock. "How much does this" ( I
gesture at the whole room), "cost?"

"Nothing."

I glance at his tail. It is relaxed. Motionless Obviously, he is at
home here.

"Simpler than you might think. Every plant here has a medical purpose.

"There are other places like this scattered throughout the center.
They pretty much pay all the basic expenses for the buildings and
staff. It made sense to do it this way rather than hide them away in
special rooms. It also serves to remind us of some things. Like not
focussing too much on our own 'miracle cures'.

"Some years there is enough left over for bonuses.

"Cross-pollination is not a problem. Specially designed air
circulation systems and placing interfertile plants away from each
other virtually eliminates that risk.

I nod slowly. I look around with a new understanding.

I also notice a 'waitress' waiting patiently for us to order.

"Star? I've eaten at fancy places before." He nods. "This is more than
I can take in right now. Order for me? Please?"

"Something familiar yet special because you seldom eat it?" I tilt my
head slightly and study him. Is that slight quirk to his lips a poorly
hidden grin?

"Fine with me." I decide to go with whatever he is planning.

"Two gutter burgers with all the extras." The waitress nods and walks
away.

I gape at him.

"Good food is good food." He leans back and watches me carefully.

"Something familiar." I begin to laugh softly. "Not what all of this
elegance would have inspired *me* to order. I thought those were a
local specialty.

"Your doing?"

I am rewarded with the grin I suspected he was hiding. "Call it a way
to honor the past links we share. It's not often I get to relax and
indulge my sense of humor like that."

His grin vanishes suddenly. I can't help my flinch as he leans forward
to reach across the table and touch my arm. "Laura? Can we be serious
while we wait? There are things you need to know. Things that, had you
not come to *me* last night, someone would have told you."

"I'm not Laura. I'm Silky." Puzzled eyes look at me. "Well, I finally
started to accept that 'Laura' is still in me. She just grew and
changed into Silky."

"I'm not John Kelly. I'm Starshadow."

I nod slowly. He understands in a way I had forgotten he would. He's
changed his name as part of building his own self-image.

"There's a reason that none of us will undergo any sculpting for
months yet.

"We need to settle our interpersonal relationships first.

"Each of you also has to decide if you want to be a patient or a staff
member. Everyone will get the same training. The same support.

"Except, staff members will have other responsibilities besides being
'prototypes' as it were.

"Perks as well."

He looks down so I cannot see his eyes as he whispers his final words.

"Staff members write their own future. The field is that new. That
unfamiliar to all of us.

"An 'ex-prostitute' would bring valuable and much needed insight and
skills to our efforts.

"I find myself wanting you not only as a mate but because I realize
how much you can help all of us. It's going to be a living hell if
things go as I expect. All I can do is ask.

"Of all of us, *you* will be undergoing the least amount of
modification. You've adjusted on a level that it will take even myself
a long time to reach.

"We need you. I need you."

Silence.

Long, drawn out, *loaded* silence.

It's too much. Things happening too fast. I'm overloaded.

Movement as our food arrives. As I look up, I suddenly realize I am
being watched by a camera. I smile wanly and cringe inside.

We begin to eat.

I enjoy the food for a while. I have a chance to let my mind drift on
its own.

Old patterns begin to surface. Unused ways of thinking.

I pause eating long enough to ask a question of my own. There have
been hints but I need to know.

"What's your job here?"

"Officially, I'm a specialist involved in exploring the
emotional/social aspects of what happens when therapeutic sculps
interact with the species of their choice and humans. I'm not the only
person doing this."

I gaze at him calmly. Life on the streets tells me he is telling the
truth. Not all of it though.

I wait.

"So far, I'm the only one studying this from the inside. Althea and I
actually."

Things are falling into place.

He makes eye contact with the waitress and indicates his tea. She nods
and comes over to refill it.

I know a moody and brooding person when I see one. He is all of that
right now.

"Everyone involved agreed I should become the 'project director'.
Someone needed to remember that all of us are real people with
feelings and fears. Not just experiments.

"Plus... the rest of you are going to pick one of you as my chief
assistant. I hope it's you but I have to accept whoever you decide
on."

There it is.

Suspicions confirmed.

Damn. I was afraid of this.

I wonder if anyone else suspects or knows? I snort softly to myself.
Unless it was part of the morning briefing he hinted at, nobody else
would know that he is more than someone from the center who is also
involved as a subject. After all, he's been with *me* since yesterday
evening.

Did I inadvertently foul up a scheduled routine? I doubt it. He's too
relaxed about things.

"No. It can't be done that way." My words are softly spoken but firm.

"Hmmm?"

Instead of answering directly, I motion for Mark and Kate to join us.
Suddenly I am glad of the cameras. This *has* to be documented from
the beginning.

"There will be accusations of favoritism you know. That because we are
lovers, I took advantage of that." I lean back carefully. It's my turn
to be pensive and moody.

"Let's look at the situation.

"Five possible choices for your assistant.

"I'll leave myself for last.

"Without knowing more than what little I learned yesterday, and your
admission that you've told me nothing of their histories, let's
explore the possibilities."

"Agreed. Last night was all about you and I. We did not discuss the
others. Althea and I asked you if you would join us as a pack member.
You, in your fashion, accepted."

"We also discovered that there is something in our past that ties us
as well."

I blush.

"You also showed an ability to adapt rapidly to new circumstances.
Showed a keen awareness of more than the immediate situation.

"I want that on record." Lips quirk. "We can add details later if you
feel we should."

I nod carefully and begin to itemize everyone.

"Thadeus. A teenager. Perhaps I know him better than you do. He's from
the same part of town as we are. I'm not tied to his past but you are.

"Still, he's a teenager. Not enough life experience to be able to
handle the pressures coming. Dismiss him and move on."

"James. Professional diver. What can we learn from that and his desire
to join the sea creatures?

"Granted, he will have other interests and skills.

"If he were highly involved in human life, he wouldn't be heading away
from it.

"More important. As a diver, he depends on others for his very
survival. His skills in the water are important, granted. It takes a
team to keep him there. He's not the head of that team even if he sets
the goals. Someone else bears ultimate responsibility for his life and
mental well being.

"Months aren't enough for him to become comfortable or even learn the
handle the pressures of being your assistant.

"Call him a possibility but we want someone better if they are
available.

"Jacob is going to be so busy figuring out who and what he is that he
would be unlikely to want to concern himself with the larger picture.
I see him as having to make the largest adjustment of all of us.

"I also 'suggest' that his transform be one of the later ones. He
needs to see that it can be successful. Have a final chance to back
out if all we do is prove otherwise.

"Personally, I think success will depend on the person. As you pointed
out, I'm almost a 'finished product'.

"That brings up another point. I think you and your assistant should
not undergo major changes at the same time. One of you should always
be available for consultation and decision making.

"Anyway, I'm willing to allow that making Jacob your assistant may be
the best way of helping him adapt quickly. Would that be fair to the
rest of us? We would know he's learning on the job.

"I don't know. I rate him perhaps a touch over James. Mainly because
he will be staying in human society after his changes. James won't.

"Lisa." I sip at my own tea.

"I'm hoping I'm being objective about her.

"She was obviously comfortable as the center of attention yesterday
when it focussed on her. That's going to be essential in your
assistant.

"Ever been owned by a cat?"

I get headshakes from Star and Kate. Mark has the grace to laugh
softly as he nods yes.

"If Lisa adopts the attitudes of a feline, I feel she would be the
worst possible choice to represent us under pressure.

"Cats are very independent and self-serving. As she indicated when she
said 'If I decide'..."

"Felines aren't pack animals. They generally don't have a history of
looking out for others. I don't know what the human variation of that
will be.

"Dare we risk finding out under the pressures of being first?

"I certainly don't think so."

I sigh deeply and look away.

"Does it look like I am painting things so I'm the only choice? I'd be
a fool to say I thought otherwise.

"I studied wolves as a child. That meant understanding their social
dynamics. As a prostitute for the last 15 years, I've been intimately
involved with learning to observe people and how they interact.

"If you are a 'good' one, people return to use you again.

"I like to think I've been that. I have had plenty of repeat
customers. All say I make them 'feel good'. Not just help them relieve
their sexual tension although that is just as important.

"As relaxed as we are, a woman who fucks dogs is still viewed as
slightly abnormal. Enough so that before today I never told anyone
that I prefer dogs to people. My sex is supposed to be a professional
act done for pay. Not something I do because of love for my partner.
Concern for *his* enjoyment.

"I don't think anyone can train for what is to come. On the other
hand, I think I've come close to doing exactly that without knowing it
until now.

"The 'goal' of Project Transform is for the outer body to match the
inner vision of self to aid in self-awareness and self-acceptance.

"Look deeper and that implies that it may include emotional and sexual
relations involving the species we choose to emulate.

"How could it be otherwise?

"Who, of the five of us, already has the experience and self knowledge
to be able to tell people who aren't so involved, what it is like?"

"Who has, for years, done exactly that? Who has already told strangers
what interspecies sex feels like emotionally and physically? Who
besides yourself has had to find the words to tell people how they
have come to terms with being sexually involved with an animal on a
regular basis?

"That's what the media and the common people will focus on. The sex.
Not the emotional stability of those involved. Take it from someone
from the streets. We'll need to find ways to deal with that before
many will accept the rest."

I stop and pick at the remains of my food. "Can you honestly ask us to
decide something so important when none of us really knows anyone
else? You and whoever else runs this will *have* to pick your
assistant.

"It's that or admit that I inadvertently picked myself. There will
have to be a special commitment between you and whoever it is.

"We have that. Admit it and use it. Use me." There's nothing more I
can really say so I fall silent and wait.

"Star, you got very, very lucky when Silky stayed." It is Mark who
ends the silence. "Haven't we talked about these worries before?"

I look at the two of them.

Star has the grace to blush. "If you let them, they become your
confidant as well. On or off the record. Much of this has been subject
to late night discussion between us. Mostly on the record."

I look at Kate and question her silently.

"We're not expected to be impartial observers. Can't be if we live
with someone for years. That's what the camera is for. We film
everything. Others, you included, will decide how much to edit or not
edit the results. The original material will always be there for
review in the future."

"Let someone in the future second guess after things are over. Silky
will become the official 'Assistant to the Director.' " Star's voice
is firm.

"There's another, more important reason that justifies the choice. One
she chose not to mention but I must."

I shiver as I realize I know what he's going to say. I had hoped to
keep it out of public knowledge for a while.

"Sorry Silky. I wish it could be otherwise.

"She's been a fully certified therapist longer than I have. She's not
'just a prostitute'. Anyone who works where she did is required to be
certified if they are there more than a year. It's a house rule, not a
state requirement."

"Silky. You and Kate and whoever is assigned to Nathan will take a
center vehicle and go get whatever you wish to bring back.

"The center has asked that you bring Nathan back with you. We want to
have a chance to study a dog who is known to have been sexually active
with humans over a long period of time. We'll buy him as we understand
he has been an investment that they will need time and money to
replace."

I nod in appreciation for the story he has given me.

"Answer questions as you see fit. I expect that before much longer, we
will be hearing rumors anyway. Keep that in mind.

"Other than that, enjoy yourself as much as possible."

Now I lean forward and rest my chin on my joined hands. I study
Starshadow as I studied myself last night.

I like what I see. I try picture him as he will be in about three
years.

"You're a wolf all right. I get the feeling you have been waiting for
things to fall into place. I may be a lucky bonus but I sense I'm one
you were prepared to use.

I let my face go blank. "I can be a real bitch you know. Will be. I do
hope you've planned for that as well. Sometime in the fairly near
future, I fully expect you to 'tie the knot' with me." I smile
mischievously and drive it home. "I'm used to my dogs being *fully*
functional."

Brief puzzlement followed by wide eyes as he realizes. "On the
record?" It is a challenge. "We'll be the first that I know of."

I barely hesitate. "From initial surgery to the afterglow. Agreed!"

* * *

"She thinks fast. Doesn't she?" Mark's comment is mild. We have
watched Silky and Kate leave the cafeteria.

"A prostitute's life depends on it. A wrong judgment can put her in
the hospital or kill her.

"Silky lasted 15 years. That's way above average for that part of
town.

"I remember her as strong-willed and independent. She had to be to
befriend the boy everyone picked on and abused.

"I'd be willing to bet she was in line to run the house where she
worked. Be interesting to find out how come she wasn't by now.

I settle back and motion for our glasses to be refilled. "Coconut
Cream Pie please. Join us if you have time."

Sally nods. "I shall."

The three of us relax a bit. Mark keeps the camera going as I eat
desert and finally lean back.

"Sally?" I wonder briefly if Silky noticed her name tag. It reads
'Senior Therapist, PhD'. We don't have any bars and bartenders at the
center but the cafeterias make good substitutes. Even staff needs to
have professional help at times. Especially research staff. Sally was
my original therapist. I treasure the professional relationship more
than I do the personal one that has lasted eleven years now.

"She was right. Of the five, she is far and away the best for the job.
One of the best qualified of *all* the original applicants.

"So that was Laura. Amazing. I wish she could have lived a
'normal'`life.

"Did you tell her? Thank her?"

"Sally, you're a gossip." I get a smile at the old joke.

"Althea agreed to let her join our 'pack'. She accepted.

"Ask Silky for any details from last night and this morning or about
her feelings. Tell her our relationship and that I give blanket
approval in advance.

"To answer the question without details, it was far more than I
dreamed of. There is a human male in here as well as a wolf. She spoke
to both of us.

"She also understood and accepted the commitment involved on my part.
I haven't told her that she doesn't have to be exclusive with me and
Nathan now. I think it might sound better from you."

"Fair enough. I can see you are already too emotionally charged to
handle some of this."

Now her voice turns professional. "The others were in this morning at
a more reasonable hour. They were told you are project director.
Althea came by and told us you and Silky were still in your quarters.
She also said Silky is Beta. I explained the reference and while
surprised, they accept you and Silky have formed a relationship.

"You are one lucky person. I hope you know that. Lisa was the only one
who even took the time to picture herself as your assistant. She was
honest enough to say that while she still wants the transform, and now
I quote, 'Not me. I don't have the patience to deal with idiots all
the time. I couldn't even deal with someone like me with any kind of
calmness. Prostitution was once an honorable profession. Providing a
recognized and needed service and helping others. I say let Silky have
it. So what if she and the director also become lovers. This is the
real world. It happens. She has my blessings. I'm not so blind as to
not see how much pressure there will be. After all, we *are* the
first. Fucking animals is not the most popular pastime even now. And
that's what this is all about isn't it?' End quote.

"She also accepts that of all of you, she will be the least likely to
actually consummate her dreams. She recognizes her own sexual
tensions. She offered to accept any of the group as a partner at any
time. She also told them there would be no emotional commitment other
than honest friendship. 'Maybe after we all know each other better'.
was her final comment on that.

"Things were awkward because of the cameras but I expect James and
Thad will eventually accept her offer. Jacob might but he told me
privately that he's pretty much decided to be canine exclusive for
now.

" 'I have enough problems as it is. Maybe later I'll be ready for
another human relationship. I don't know if it will be male or female
though.'

"James is old enough and free-wheeling enough that he resembles
dolphins in that regard. Pleasure when and where he finds it. He cares
but it is a more casual care than most humans want.

"Thad is a teenager. What can I say? He'll sleep with Lisa because he
can and the urges are there. She'll be good for him.

"I'm glad we took the time to screen and only accept people who are
realists for this first group. It's making a difference already."

I nod as I consider what she has told me.

"Althea and I discussed Jacob and Thad while Silky was sleeping." I
search carefully for how I want to say things.

"Althea suggested and I agreed, that Jacob be introduced to the other
speech capable wolves. Hopefully, he'll find a partner or partners. If
nothing else, if he has sex with them, they will reassure him that
what he does is good for both of them.

"Help eliminate self-doubt. The communication barrier is a serious
problem."

Sally nods. "Althea mentioned it. Not all the reasons. Good point."

I toy with my now empty glass. Without looking up, I sigh and ask the
final question. "Thadeus. Has he mentioned what he is hiding?"

After a long silence, I hear: "No."

"Silky mentioned in passing that Thad and I have something in our past
in common. Be damned if I can think of anything.

"He's too young to have been a gang member. Whatever contact we had, I
certainly don't remember it. I'll have to find a way to bring it up. I
also gather that he doesn't recognize me or he would have said
something."

"He's never been to the center until he applied for admission to the
project. I checked the records." Sally gazes off silently for a few
minutes before continuing.

"Obviously, Silky has known Thad at some point in their lives. As a
prostitute/therapist? Or in some other way?"

"I wish I knew." My voice is quiet.
===

Chapter Three - First Crisis
----

It took some fancy footwork to keep the cameras live but we managed
for most of the time I gathering my stuff. The center's reputation
helped. Even so, there were times when they had to shut down briefly.
Many of our guests here are concerned about remaining unknown.

"Is that all of it?" The driver's voice breaks into my musing.

"That's it. I'll bring Nathan with me."

Four medium sized boxes of clothing, a small jewelry box, a
personalized coffee cup and a dog dish. Plus the dog.

All that after 15 years of my life.

I've met street people with more possessions.

I have my memories as well. What I used to think of as a sizable bank
account.

The madam was understanding about Nathan. "We'll miss him. But he made
no secret that he felt he was yours. It won't be the same without you
here." She was wistful. "Wish it was me. You found a way out. Kept
your dignity intact too."

Shrewd eyes studied me. "Be good for business too. People are going to
know where you worked. Some might hope to meet someone like you here."

I laughed. "You be sure they do meet more like me. All of us are like
this." I lower my voice. "You made sure of that."

I hug the woman who has been my 'mother' for the last fifteen years.
"Take care of yourself. I'm sorry I won't be taking over for you as we
expected."

"None of that. You be good to your lover there. You deserve each
other. I would have given him to you since you picked him out and paid
for him anyway. The books show Nathan as yours. Always have. I had to
take your money to keep everyone else happy. Be a while before we have
a team as good as you two were. None of the other teams love each
other the way you and Nathan do."

I blink and look at her in surprise.

"No dear. Nobody else knew. I did. Never told anyone. Had to keep
everyone thinking you'd find a man someday. Business of dreams."

"Now, be off. You have a new life to live."

I watch as she turns away. I see tears to match mine. I didn't think
it would be this difficult.

"We left her her dignity. Nobody filmed her crying. All we have is the
audio of her good-bye." I look up to see Kate and Robert have turned
off their cameras. As one, they reach to turn the cameras back on.

"Let's go, Nathan." I whisper the words and we head for the van.

"Silky." Kate is quiet. "You should know. The media is out there
waiting. *We* didn't leak anything but all of the center vehicles have
been watched since the project was announced.

"I'm told none of the others have been discovered yet. A center
vehicle parked at a whorehouse? That's begging them to notice and
latch on to us.

"How do you want to handle this?"

I mutter a choice oath. Kate blanches. "Star, I'm going to get you for
this one." My heart isn't in it though. He's had other worries. I
doubt if he expected things to happen this quickly. I know I wasn't
expecting it. Considering my past, I should have been better prepared
and allowed for the possibility of being 'discovered'.

"What else *can* I do?" I smile evilly. "I'll give them a press
conference. As 'Assistant to the Director' I have that authority.
Right?"

"Didn't he tell you?" Kate matches my smile. "As a staff member, your
duties are whatever you decide they are. Center policy has always been
been based on personal responsibility. Not even Star can call you to
task for your decisions. Only the board can do that. That hasn't
happened in a generation. He might not like what you decide but he and
everyone else will back you up no matter what."

I stand with my mouth open. From high cost prostitute to this in a
day?

"Somehow, he never mentioned that. And I forgot to ask about my
duties."

Something else clicks. "You're both therapists aren't you?" They smile
and nod.

"Everyone is. If they aren't when they start, they get the training
and certification eventually. Even the janitors. When someone seeks
help, they often grab the first available person. The center tries to
insure they get good help. That's how they do it." Kate looks at the
door.

"Now, we have a problem and you're it."

"If I meet them out there, I give them control. Right?" I don't wait
for an answer. "Instead, let's give them what they want. In spades.
Even if they never expected to get it.

I look at the other people in the room. Many are watching us. I've
been saying good-bye to many of them.

"All of you. If you don't want your faces in the news, clear out for a
while. If you want national attention, here's your chance. I'm trapped
by the media so I'm calling an official press conference. I need the
showroom set up as if I was going to do a show. Quickly.

"Somebody find Mom. I need to talk to her. I need people to greet and
escort the press people as they enter. We have a reputation to
maintain." I get laughter at this.

"Be nice. No games but if they ask... Quote them the usual prices and
availability. Being on camera is up to each of you to decide. As for
me, I'm not going to put on a show public or private. They'll have to
pay for one of the house tapes if they want that. Make them pay. No,
make 'em sign royalty agreements. Make them bleed. Somebody get our
lawyer here. Let her handle that."

Movement starts. I remember something I forgot. "Somebody get me my
therapist's certification. It should still be on the office wall."

"Silky? What happened?" Mom is standing next to me.

"The media happened. I'm covering our asses. Something you should
know. I not only joined 'Project Transform', I agreed to become
Assistant to the Director. Long story.

"Remember 'Lonewolf'?" I get a nod. "He's director of Project
Transform. We're pack mates now. I'm Beta Bitch. We have other things
in common. Happened before I joined you."

I pause for breath and to gather my thoughts

"Do you still want respectability? An assured future of your choice?"

"My dream. You know that. Don't play with me."

"Not playing." I take a deep breath again and look directly at her.
The room and chaos vanishes.

"No time to explain but I'm a multi-millionaire. Part of the agreement
to join Transform.

"Sell me the house. Name your price. I don't care. You'll run it still
and it will become a full annex to the center. It will continue doing
exactly what it always has. Officially. Up front. As part of the
center and Project Transform. We need something like it. I can use it.
Use you and everyone here."

"You're serious aren't you?"

I nod.

She names a price. I raise an eyebrow at it. After fifteen years and
plans to take over someday, I know, and she knows I know, it is too
low. Far too low.

"The land alone is worth more, Mom. We both know that. 2.5 and I'll
have a bank draft for 750 here as fast as I can get it here." I hold
out my hand.

"Done." Our hands are both shaking as we touch.

"Kate, Robert. I just bought 'Mom's Place'. You're witnesses to the
deal. The Center can lease it from me. We'll work out the details
later. I don't know the procedures so Robert, can you contact the
right people and get a draft on my account here as soon as humanly
possible? There's a fax machine. We're also set up for direct
transfer. Mom can get you the numbers. I'll be busy."

"We can do a direct transfer. That's quickest. I'll deal with it. What
about Nathan?"

"I'll take him. Kate can do double duty for now. Besides, Nathan won't
be leaving my side for a while anyway."

"$750,000 dollars and you never flinched? As a down payment?"

"Mom, I could have paid the whole amount at once. I have nearly
$600,000 in my personal account. Only reason I never retired is
because I couldn't decide what to do other than my plans for here.
Enough questions are going to be asked as it is. Besides, there are
taxes to consider.

"Now, nobody except the center and you know Lonewolf is the director
of this project. His name now is Starshadow. He doesn't want people to
use his old gang name. Doesn't deny his past, just that he's moved
on."

"Silky! Everything is ready." The girl has to shake me to get my
attention. "Here's your certificate."

I look at the doors to the main showroom. "Come on Nathan. It's going
to be quite a show this time." His ears perk and I laugh. "Sorry guy.
Time for us later. Not that kind of show."

I remove all my clothing. Nathan and I settle on the couch. I take a
deep breath and let it out slowly. At least Nathan knows enough to be
quiet as we wait. I ruffle his fur and hug him quickly. All part of
our routine as far as he's concerned. I'm thankful this won't be the
first time we do something here that isn't sexual.

"Get comfortable, Kate." She nods and positions herself.

"Silky?" Kate's voice is low and urgent. "We're live to the Center. I
have Star on the other end. He wasn't happy at first but he agrees
with your plan. He's reviewed everything from the time I told you the
media was out there."

"Damn. There's so much I should know about but don't know enough to
ask the right questions. Never occurred to me that the cameras would
be two way audio. That explains a lot of little things that have been
nagging the back of my mind.

"Star? Sorry but I couldn't see any other solution. It's take control
now or have to answer things later. They'd have a field day if I tried
to leave here and not make a statement. We can't give them that
advantage. I'll have to admit to the dog shows. Someone is bound to
pirate tapes anyway. This way, we get something out of it. I think I
can turn it to our benefit."

"He agrees. Nothing to lose at this point anyway. He sends his love
and reminds you that you *are* Chief Assistant. Use that. Also, nobody
but center film crew and a few others know the audio is two way. Keep
it that way. That's his only 'order' as Director."

I barely nod. "Fair enough. Now let's start this circus."

I look at the people waiting outside the doors to the showroom. "Let
them in."

* * *

Pandemonium.

Muffled curses as the reporters reluctantly follow their guides into
the room.

I wait until everyone is settled.

"She's naked damnit!" Muffled laughter. "We can't do that live."

"Do we have a choice?"

"If we had caught her unexpectedly, we would have aired it. She beat
us at our own game." That cynical comment gets forced laughter.

I decide it's my turn. "Ladies and gentlemen, I believe you wanted to
talk to me about Project Transform?

"We can do this for the sensationalism or we can do it professionally.
Your choice. My turf. Are we live yet? I know we are live to the
Center. As most of you probably know, everyone involved is being
recorded by a personal film crew."

"One for me" (I point to Kate) "and one for Nathan." (I casually pet
Nathan with one hand and then point at Robert.)

"You *are* aware the center has already signed an agreement with a
major mediagroup? One that gives them rights to our stories?"

Reluctant nods by some, startled oaths from others.

"How much?"

"Enough to make each of the original group multi-millionaires as soon
as we signed the agreement. More I can't tell you yet."

I shrug. "I don't know the actual figures anyway. I just signed
yesterday and haven't had time to get all the details. I *was* headed
back to my new job as Assistant to the Director but you folks forced
me to change my plans."

"Pretty unusual for a high-dollar-whore to become an Assistant to the
Director. Wouldn't you say?"

"Would be if I was 'just' a high-dollar-whore. Do your research better
woman. I've been a fully certified therapist for 14 years." I toss her
the framed certificate. "Feel free to check it out. I earned that with
study, not as a gift for 'services rendered'. Matter of fact, I have
more experience as a therapist than the Director does. Don't bother
telling me I was real young when I got that. My self-study was at my
own pace and I'm a LOT smarter and quicker than you probably think I
am."

Now for some misdirection. "One of the project requirements was for
one of the first group to become assistant to the director. You got me
because I was best qualified. Not because the Director and I
discovered we like each other enough to form a serious relationship
and make love together. The Director is also one of the people being
transformed."

"Sensationalist speculation or facts? Which do you want? Let me get
out of here and settled and I'll be happy to give you more details and
background on Project Transform at a later date.

"Prepare your audience though. Show up better prepared. Every one of
you better know the difference between a zoophile and a bestialist
next time. It's important that you get it right.

"I'm a *professional*." My voice turns hard. "I expect you to be the
same."

I ruffle Nathan's fur. "Speculate all you want to because this press
conference is officially over."

I pass my bank balance sheet to the person nearest me. "I could have
retired years ago. I certainly didn't volunteer for the project for
the money or the chance of advancing my career by sexual means. Look
at the date. That balance is well before I signed any agreements with
the center."

"Christ, she's richer than I am." Is one muttered comment.

"Now." I lean back and stretch. "If any of you want some things off
the record to everything but the Center archives, hand your gear to
one of the people waiting and stick around for a bit. The rest of you
with more pressing things to do can feel free to leave."

There's laughter as nobody rises. Hurried whispers and everyone lets
go of their gear.

"Close the doors, someone." A couple of them do so.

"Now that we're private, we can relax. Some of you are already aware
I've done a 'dog and bitch' show for years. Some of you have seen it
and asked me questions. We'll be happy to give you copies of the house
tape as soon as you sign the royalty agreements. I'm sure you all know
the drill.

"Sorry. I'm not going to stage a show for you. It might happen in the
future. It would have to be private and with the understanding of no
filming or sketches. That part of my life isn't mine to sell any more.

"What Nathan I do is sex, yes. It also involves the expression of the
love we share. Just as any couple would act. You can paint it as
otherwise but the love is there.

"If you doubt that, there are speech capable wolves at the center. I
can arrange for you to ask them.

"Now, I really haven't had time to find out which of you owns the
rights to our stories. There are reasons the center is handling things
this way. It's far more than people being sculpted to imitate animals.

"Some people, myself included, are more comfortable after adopting
some of the emotional characteristics of an animal. This can include
seeking out and finding an emotional and sexual companion from that
species.

"As I have done with Nathan here.

"Because we realize the very people who need the help the most usually
can't afford it, the center is going to be doing the sculpting for
free. The 'catch' is that for quite a while, any volunteers are going
to be directly in the spotlight as examples.

"There is also extensive screening involved. This isn't ordinary
sculpting. It's far more. Surgical modification, therapy, hormone
treatments... The list is extensive.

"Now, in cornering me, you missed all the others in the group. They
are safely settled at the center. At this point, until we decide their
emotional stability won't be harmed by having to deal with the media,
you folks are stuck with me or the director."

"You've thrown down a gauntlet." The woman who called me a
'high-dollar-whore' is the first to speak.

"I'm from the streets, woman. I picked up yours and tossed it back in
your face. You and your friends here didn't leave me any choice."

"Tell your bosses to replace you with a professional. I don't have
time to play your games. If I see you again I'll get a restraining
order against whoever you represent." I am rewarded with a brittle
silence.

"I can't affect how you portray this. Rather than try, I'll speak my
piece and know that no matter what *you* do, my side will be heard
somewhere.

"Both sides of the story. That's what this is all about. You willing
to give both? Or will you insist on slanting things to sell yourselves
and titillate the masses?"

"Fifteen years as a 'whore' folks. I don't rattle easily.

"And by the way, 'Mom's Place' is part of the center now. Part of
Project Transform. This room is where I'll be holding press
conferences. I don't want you bothering me or any of my patients yet.
Feel free to interview anyone here. After today, expect to pay for
their time. Most of them are certified and expect to be compensated
for any time spent in consultation.

"Ladies and gentlemen. You know the drill better than I do. Work with
me and I promise you'll get far more than otherwise. Pull the 'public
has a right to know' and I'll prove otherwise. Everyone, myself
included, is also a patient undergoing treatment. We have a right to
privacy regarding the reasons and type of treatment.

"Check with your legal departments if you doubt my word.

"Now, are we finished here so I can get back to work?"

"Not yet." It's the woman who attacked me. "My name is Catherine and
as my colleagues will testify, usually, I *am* a professional.

"Doesn't forgive my behavior earlier and I apologize."

Her eyes waver but never leave my face. In a level monotone she
continues.

"A bestialist is someone who has sexual relations with animals. It can
also refer to how some people treat other humans during a sexual
relationship. A finer nuance is that a bestialist *uses* animals for
their own gratification. Live sex dolls. Much as many people use
prostitutes. No emotional ties to worry about."

"Technically, a zoophile is someone who has an 'affinity' for animal
partners. Emotional attachment? Certainly. Very often, they wind up in
a *happy* and stable sexual relationship as well. So stable and
'normal' that the vast majority of people never suspect it's there."

"You left out two other terms. Zoosexual. I gather a zoophile coined
it and others started using it. A way for them to express that as far
as they were concerned, they lived a *lifestyle*, not an aberration.
In their eyes, they are no different than 'homosexuals' or
'bi-sexuals' or any of the other 'sexuals'. In the time since it was
coined, common usage has given it the same meaning as bestialist as
far as most people are concerned.

"Last, 'zoo'. A casual term covering the whole range of zoosexuality.

She looks at me steadily but I see tears forming.

"I did my research over twenty years ago. My youngest brother was
discovered in what I now know and accept was a *zoosexual*
relationship with his bitch."

She takes a deep breath. "He committed suicide as a result of the
pressures we applied before any of us knew the difference.

"I'm on *your* side. I don't want someone else to die the way he did.
Certain that what he did was wrong. It wasn't and he was a damn good
person. Until he was discovered. Then we thought he was evil and
corrupted.

"He wasn't.

"I asked for this assignment. Nobody knew about why my brother
suicided."

"Are you accepting new patients? I'd like to become one if you are
willing to take me on. No games. I've never seen a therapist about
this. Maybe it's time I did."

"My colleagues here are going to have a field day with this. The
reporter who let her emotions get in the way.

"I remind them that the most well known and revered ones do exactly
that.

"I've never begged a subject to reconsider their decision that I be
replaced. I beg you now."

I use the following silence and whispered conversations as an excuse
to study her.

"Is she as good as she claims to be?" I ask it of the room at large. I
get nods, quiet affirmation and in a few cases grudged acknowledgment
that she is indeed good at what she does.

I tap my ear in a signal I hope Kate and Star figure out. Then, as if
musing out loud, I settle back.

"We could use a liaison with the press, someone both sides feel they
can trust. There will be times when it won't be practical for all of
you to interview people or observe.

"I'm willing to give Catherine a try. Would she be acceptable to
everyone here? Think it over. I'll know more after we have a private
talk."

Out of the corner of my eye, I see Kate smile slightly and nod.
Message understood and agreed on.

"Catherine. I'm prepared, on behalf of the Center, to offer you a job
as our media consultant for Project Transform. After that, staying on
would be up to you. We can at least match your current salary. The job
is pretty much guaranteed to last at least 5 years.

"Or, I'm willing to hire you as my personal media liaison at your
current salary.

"Think it over, please."

I smile slightly. "Square pegs in square holes. I didn't really have a
choice in the matter. You can make that public if you wish. That's how
I wound up as Assistant to the Director. Same thing can happen to
others."

"Catherine. You know where I'll be staying. No matter what, I won't
turn you down as a patient. Check around. There are plenty of others
at least as qualified as I am. The Center will be happy to provide you
with a list. The list is free. Part of their regular services. I've
been on it for years as 'Silky'.

" Anyone who works here for two years or more is automatically on it
and listed in their field of choice. House policy. Ask Mom. I'm
certain she'll be happy at the chance to generate more business."

I hug Nathan, we get up and stretch and then we walk out.
====

Chapter Four - Exploration
----

Silky and I are finally settled in what is now our shared quarters.
It's been a long and hectic evening. Shortly after Silky went live,
the center was deluged with calls. Madhouse doesn't begin to describe
what has been going on.

"When did you learn how to handle the press like that.?

She shrugs. "A couple times a year, someone decides that Mom's should
be shut down as a den of whores. We're used to that sort of thing. At
least this time, the press was mostly friendly. More concerned with
how the place tied into the center.

"Some of the ones who were there are old friends. Mom's is a place
where they come to relax or bring people who are concerned about
staying anonymous. It was a normal brothel until Mom took over. In the
years since, she's tried to keep it respectable. Make it a place where
people can get help as well as sex. Most of the changes were made long
before I went to work there as a prostitute. When I was given the
choice after six months, I took it. Been there ever since.

"We have always been open to the media. We have to be if we want to
remind people we aren't street whores Prostitution is the biggest part
of our business but it's not all of it.

"It's never been 'easy' and I've always had to fight the feeling of
being worthless and just a body for men to use. That's part of what
turned me to dogs. It seemed an easier way to make more money for less
emotional stress.

"How was I to know that eventually, it would lead to me discovering a
form of love and closeness that I never got from men?

"People pay for the sex. Unless they come specifically for the
therapy, most customers get the therapy free as a perk for being
repeat customers. One balances the other."

I watch as she sits in the chair and looks out the window. It's almost
midnight. It took this long for things to settle after what happened
with the press.

Nathan, after investigating the room and being gently but firmly
rebuffed by Althea, has curled up at Silky's feet and gone to sleep.
Pretty obvious he's used to being tossed into new situations.

It's also obvious that as long as he can keep track of Silky, he
doesn't care much about the rest of the world.

"At least once a month for years." Her voice is quiet. "I never made
less than $10,000 a show and usually at least double that.

"$100 per person to watch. First the show and then group or individual
Q and A after. A supervised session with Nathan or another dog or
bitch is a minimum of $100. If they brought their own partner, and
many do, we rent them a private room for $50 a day. That includes
meals and any supplies they need. Private supervision or instruction
costs extra.. Getting one of us to have sex with their dog or bitch is
always up to the person asked. And the dog's agreement to such.

"No pictures or taping of people with any of their or our animals.
Only employees have their pictures taken when they are engaged in sex
with an animal. It's been a wise decision. Working people are less
subject to being blackmailed.

"There are a lot of zoophiles out there. Mom's has become a sort of
unofficial gathering place for some of them.

"Oh... The $50 rooms are available to everyone with a partner or
partners. We're better set up to deal with sexual liaisons than most
hotels. People do rent rooms to just sleep or stay overnight or
conduct business.

"Discretion and confidentiality is our trademark. We've earned it."

"I would have had even more money but I had to pay expenses. Nathan
has usually managed to earn enough to cover his. If he didn't, I paid
them."

"Amazing." My own voice is quiet to match the mood. "I finally read a
lot of your background.

"It's one thing to read it. Quite another to hear it from you.

"I don't know if there is a right way to say this. Even as Project
Director, I have no real right to ask." I settle back so I am leaning
on an arm of the couch and watching her.

"You said it yourself. 'I could have retired long before this.'
Everything I've seen so far tells me you don't *need* anything
Transform can give you.

"Yet, you decided to stay. Even to the point of defending it while you
know almost nothing of it's hopes.

"Forgive me Silky. It doesn't make sense. It makes even less sense
that you want to form a relationship with me. I find it impossible to
believe you couldn't have done better for yourself."

"What makes you think I didn't try? No, I never tried.

"At first, I was too busy earning money as a whore to worry about
catching the right man. Then, I got cynical. Too much 'a whore is a
whore. Don't think any decent man will ever forget your past.'

"As for the project, my decision makes about as much sense as yours
does. You're successful, settled in a relationship. I imagine you have
people here you can reach out to for support.

"You can't tell me you haven't planned for when Althea dies. What
you'll do. Probably seek a new partner.

"We both know that relationships come and go. You take what you can
from each one and then move on. It's great if one lasts but nothing is
permanent. You have to have learned that much.

"Life is to be treasured. It's the only one we have."

She turns to look at me. Neither of us say anything for a long time.

"You killed people, took away any chance they had of discovering
happiness in life. It happens. Survival. By *wanting* to take other's
lives, control them, in my eyes, they made their lives worth less than
yours. Worth less than anyone else's.

"You're hard. You're a wolf in human form. You're also compassionate.
As honest as you know how to be.

"A wolf doesn't say 'I love you'. He shows it by offering to alter his
path to join another's when they meet.

"A bitch doesn't ask if she loves a dog. She simply accepts they get
along and want to stay together.

"Humans are the ones who want to label everything. 'If there's not a
word for it, it doesn't exist.'

"Fully human males aren't equipped to understand and accept a bitch as
a lover.

"You aren't a fully human male. I'm not a fully human female.

"It doesn't matter how we got this way. At least not right now.

"What *does* matter is that you told me you love me in the only
language you know.

"I understood and return your 'love'. Told you in the one way I knew
you would understand. Gave you myself sexually to use any way you
wanted. I hoped that you would not abuse that trust.

"You didn't."

I watch as she reaches down to pet Nathan. Althea comes over and joins
me on the couch. She nestles between my legs and as usual, begins
exploring, cleaning. I absent-mindedly reach down and pet what I can
reach. It's so routine that I have to consciously think about it to
realize I'm doing it. Finally, she settles with her chin resting on my
naked body.

I didn't even think about wearing clothes in my quarters. Silky wasn't
wearing any when we arrived and I automatically took mine off. I don't
feel naked in her presence. I feel as natural as I do when Althea and
I are alone. Just as I am not self-conscious about Althea's personal
attentions.

I notice Nathan has risen and is nosing Silky. She invites him up to
stand between her legs and pulls him gently into a deep kiss. He has
definite ideas about what should be happening next. His humping
motions are unmistakable.

"Silky?" I see her jerk slightly. "Will it bother you to have us
here?"

"No. Yes. I don't know." She has paused in her foreplay. "I'm used to
inhibiting myself when someone is present.

"I don't need to that anymore do I?" I realize she is asking herself
rather than me so I remain silent.

"I've never held back sexually anyway. I've only shown and spoken my
true emotions when he and I are alone.

"We need to know for certain. I need to know." She scoots forward and
returns to their foreplay. "Stay. Watch. Then help me learn if Nathan
and I are really lovers. Or if we are just sexually scratching our
itches."

At first I wonder if her habits have taken over and she is performing
rather than loving. It's difficult to remain clinical. For the most
part, I give up being clinical and watch with undisguised interest and
arousal.

I've seen video tapes. Talked to people who have done this. Before
Althea and I permanently paired, I had even taken a wolf several times
Sometimes in the same position she is in. This is the first time I've
watched in person.

At first, Silky initiates and then Nathan responds. Things blur and
then I realize that somewhere along the line, she started responding
to his actions.

They've learned what pleases the other and do things to increase the
enjoyment of their partner. "If you feel good, I feel good."

Inwardly, I smile. True in any shared relationship. Sex with a dog
isn't a time when most would expect to see it.

The tie, when it happens. is so quick that I almost miss it.

He shifts his feet forward, drives urgently a few times and then
freezes in place and sags on her. Residual twitches of his tail and
hindquarters tell me that he is controlling a dog's usual action of
trying to pull free as soon as he is satisfied. He seems quite content
to just lay there and wait.

Silky has reached down and now holds him against her. Her eyes are
closed and I guess more than actually see that she is focussing only
on what she and Nathan are doing. Letting herself totally focus on
where they are joined. The feel of him inside her. His warmth. The
feel of him against her.

I glance at the clock and note the time. I figure it will be around
15-20 minutes before he softens and she lets him go.

From what I've seen in videos and talking to a couple of women, a true
tie is something of a myth. He can pull out anytime or they can help
him pull out. It's anal sex when a tie is more of a reality and
potential problem for the inexperienced.

Eyes unglaze and refocus on the world. She turns her head slightly and
smiles a bit wryly.

"I could let him go. This is the time when we are closest. He doesn't
begrudge me this sharing the afterglow." She reaches one hand to
caress him gently and bring him into a long, lingering kiss. "This is
when I love him the most. The tie. He's taken me in lust and now we
have to patiently wait. Nature's way of forcing me to recognize the
intimacy we share. I can't hide from him or my feelings now. I may
have let him take me for the sexual feelings. Now, with us like this,
I have to admit to the closeness. The consequences.

"I *have* made love to a dog. Nothing will ever change that fact. I
enjoy all of my contact with his body. I anticipate the joys and his
unrelenting forcefulness as he cleans me.

"He must enjoy this. He gets upset if I try to break a tie too soon.

"Oh... " There is a long pause. "Could you grab a towel and place it
beneath us? Nathan won't mind you near us. I'll hold him to make
sure."

Do I detect some embarrassment?

"I was so relaxed, felt so natural... I forgot." I get a flush that is
visible any place there is still skin to see.

Yep, she's embarrassed.

After almost 30 minutes, she lets her legs relax completely and pulls
her hands away so he can back away from her.

I notice that he is already sheathed by the time I can see his belly.

He noses himself for a bit and then, satisfied, turns his head back to
Silky and begins to clean her. I can see where their mingled juices
have poured out of her. The towel is soaked.

Nathan seems intent on driving his tongue as deeply inside as he can.
He noses everywhere and licks wherever he can find traces of their
fluids.

Always, he returns to her vulva. I see moisture there.

Silky has her eyes closed now. Hands clenched underneath herself, she
is driving herself onto his tongue as he in return braces himself and
meets her thrusts. I can see his neck muscles tense as he drives his
nose into her rather than let himself ride her motions.

Soft moans. Short gasps. She tenses and then suddenly falls limp.
Nathan never stops his attentions.

Finally I see her reach down and place a hand on his muzzle. I don't
know if it weakness or gentleness as she whispers "Enough." and pushes
him away. I'm not sure if he makes a final brief motion towards her as
she keeps her hand on his nose but he does finally run his nose along
her inner thighs and lick her a few more times. After a last sniff, he
settles nearby and returns to cleaning himself to his own
satisfaction.

Seeing that she is limp and unwilling to move, I get a blanket. Before
I cover her with it, I yield to impulse and bend down to kiss her
vulva. there is a slight trace of saltiness from Nathan's fluids.
Maybe a little of her own flavor. I can't be certain which is which. I
suppose time will let me find out.

"I don't really need this you know." Her voice is tired. Spent. "Thank
You. It feels good to have it.

"Your kiss felt better. Warmer."

"I was wondering about that. The need for a blanket. I wondered if you
use one more as a symbol than out of need. In this case though, it
helps stabilize your body temperature more quickly.

"I deliberately keep the temperature in here warmer than most would
expect. I'm a confirmed nudist. Being here has eliminated any
body-shyness I used to have. The higher temperature isn't enough after
a good session though." I smile at her.

"Just so you know, I'm used to public sex. Displaying my emotions with
others watching. Partly from being around Althea and learning to
respond sexually whenever we feel the mood strike one of us. Partly
from being a research project myself."

I get a smile for this admission. "I know. I saw you take Althea
yesterday evening. Just at dusk.

"Was it only yesterday?

"A lifetime ago.

"It was magical. Surprising too. I didn't expect it.

"I think that is something else that drew me to you. Your acceptance
that sex is natural. To be enjoyed when it happens. Not saved up and
hidden. Only done in certain places or at certain times.

"Until this afternoon that has only been a cherished dream of mine."

Instead of answering I study her face. I consider her words carefully.
Our eyes meet and I begin to understand what she is trying to say
without openly saying it. She *can't* say what she means. To do so
would destroy something very precious to her. I can't respond in words
for the same reason. We are beginning to build the silent
understanding that is essential if a relationship is to last.

Our sex was the first time she has given herself in a situation where
she didn't feel she had to. It happened because it was time for it to
happen. No other reason was needed. The mood was right, the time was
right, she felt it was the right thing to do and didn't have to
consider anything except how she felt then. No time limits. No
worries. The ultimate sexual experience for her.

Abandonment to the experience itself. No hiding. If we had been
discovered, it wasn't important. A kind of freedom I discovered only
after months of living with Althea.

That reminds me of my Alpha lover.

Althea has moved to our bed. I look over at her and smile. She is on
her back with her legs spread. Asleep.

I look back at Silky. I bend down to kiss her gently. Words would be
wrong right now.

After I settle on the edge of our bed, I lean down and gently kiss
Althea's vulva. It was closest. I usually kiss the closest part when I
walk by. It is a casual but intimate habit I've been doing for years.
My answer to her casual nosing of my crotch or buttocks.

I carefully move her and get under the covers. Before I turn out the
lights I look at Silky. "Two beds, the couch or where you are. Your
choice." I look at Nathan. "Maybe even the floor." One of the beds is
the one Althea and I are using.

She doesn't move and I have no way of knowing if she heard me. For all
I know, she could be asleep.

I turn out the lights and let sleep catch me at last.
====

Future Tense
Starshadow and Friends - Project Transform
Starshadow, Althea and Silky
----

I'm settled on the couch and watching the day go by.  The four of us
went and had breakfast and then returned to Star's rooms.

"Thadeus wants to kill you."  I say this in a calm voice.

Then, as if an afterthought.  "Words spoken during the afterglow."

"Oh, he doesn't know it himself yet.  All he spoke of was revenge.
Make you feel pain for how you betrayed his trust."

"I didn't ask how he could afford me.  He had the money, the
knowledge.  I wasn't his first."

I muse a bit.  "He must have been about 14 at the time.

Have I betrayed a trust?  Yes and no.  People's lives are at risk.
It's a decision that has no 'right answer'.

* * *

I jerk upright and stare at Silky.

I look into eyes that are haunted.  Tears at their edges.

What has this cost her?

Then the *meaning* settles in my numbed mind.

"Thad plans to kill me?"

I get a weary nod.

"Lonewolf.  Not Starshadow."  She sighs.

"He's been wondering what happened to you since he was 7 or so.

"In an moment of frustration with everyone's admiration, he told me in
an effort to convince me you weren't the person everyone thinks you
are.

"Or dreams you are anyway.

"Oh, he still studies what you started to teach him.

"He seeks revenge.  It drives all his efforts.

"I suspect it is behind his wanting to be transformed as a bear.  That
extra edge he feels he'll need when he finds you.

"He's a very driven young man."

"Damn.  This is going to be difficult to deal with."  I barely mumble
the words.

"So I was his first teacher.

"Sounds like he didn't learn the most important lesson of all.

"My failure?  Or his?"

I sigh and let my thoughts turn inward.

* * *

Slowly, as I remember, I quietly tell Silky some more of my past.

All my studies have led me to this door.

I can't say what made me choose this place.  Well, maybe I can a bit.

I want to defend myself.  Not attack others.

What little I've been able to learn of each style has convinced me
this style will suit me best.

Big and arrogant decision for someone almost 11 years old.

Of course, that thought never occurred to me.  All I knew was that I
wanted to stop people hitting me all the time.

I push the door open and walk in.

It closes with a bang as I let go.

All movement stops as people turn to stare at me.

I raise my chin and tremblingly walk over to the mat where most are
standing in front of an old man.

Both of us study each other.

"Yes?  May I help you?"

I dump all the coins and bills out of the can I carry. Then, I look at
him with tears in my eyes.

"I want to make them stop hurting me."

I hear a choked off laugh.

The old man raises no longer calm eyes to stare at someone.

"Yes?  You have a problem with that?"

"No Master.  It was the way he dumped the money at your feet Master."
It is a girl's voice.

"Step forward where this young man can see you."  His voice is quiet.
Calm.

I don't know how old the girl is.

Even in my scared state, I can tell she is beautiful.  She seems out
of place in this part of town.

"What's your name young man?"

"Jonnyboy."  I whisper.  Years of beatings for using any other name in
public have made my response automatic.

"I don't believe you."  His voice is gentle.

"What is the name your parents gave you?  What name would you wear
with pride if you were given the choice?"

I stare at him.  Then I look at all of the other silent figures.  I
look at the girl.

"I'm Karen Stone.  I'm sorry I laughed.  I know better."

She holds out a hand that is trembling.

I stare at it a long time.

I reach out gingerly.

"I'm John Kelly."

Her hand is steady as I hold it.  For some reason, my trembling stops.

"Master?"  She is looking at me as she says it.

There is a long silence.

She lets go of my hand and gently takes my can from me.  Then, I watch
as she carefully gathers all my money, puts it in the can and hands it
to me.

"Nobody pays money to get help here.  We repay by helping someone else
if we are able. That's the first lesson we learn."

I nod.

"The second lesson we are taught is to never laugh at honesty."

She looks at me and then bows her head and whispers a question.

"John Kelly.  If you are willing to trust me, I'll help you learn to
deal with the hurt in life.  I can't promise they will stop hurting
you.  To live is to be hurt and to hurt others."

"I can't stop them?"  I blurt it.

"No John."  It is the Master's quiet voice.  "You can't always stop
people from hurting you."

"There is much you can learn to prevent.  If you allow it, we can show
you some of the ways to protect yourself."

"What you learn here should not be used to deliberately hurt others.
Only for self-defense."

"Or to teach."

Perhaps it is my reading of all those adult level novels that lets me
understand a lot what he is saying.

I nod thoughtfully as I look around the room and take it in.

Eyes narrowed, I study each person carefully.  I size them up and try
to decide if I should trust them or not.

Made brave by events, I walk over to the biggest boy there and stand
in front of him.

"Did *you* hit people when you wanted them to do something and they
wouldn't?  Or did you talk to them?"

For some reason he trembles and looks at the Master.

I asked him a question and he's scared.  I don't understand why.

Weeks later Karen told me that the Master had stiffened in surprise
and then smiled strangely.

"I used to hit them.  It was the only way I knew."  His voice is a
whisper.

"When I first came here, I thought violence was the answer to
violence."

I can't help my snort.  "Never works for me.  I just get worse
beatings later."

"Something the Master tried to tell me from the beginning.  I had to
learn the hard way."

By now, he has knelt to get on my level.

"I'm Bill.  Hope you stay.  Karen's real good.  Only the Master can
beat her.  I can't.  I've tried."

This admission gets some quiet chuckles.  I look at them cautiously.

"They aren't laughing at my honesty.  Every one of us keeps trying to
beat her."

He raises a sleeve.  "See this bruise on my arm?  Karen did that last
week."

I look at him with a puzzled look.

"It's the only one she gave me during our last contest.  I usually get
more."

He says it with pride.  Just before he stands up, he whispers.  "She's
never offered to teach anyone before.  If I were you, I'd accept."

Learn to fight from a girl?

Why not?  A girl helped me figure out I should live like a wolf.

I went back and offered my can to Karen.  "Take it.  A gift for my
teacher."

Girls are funny.  All she did was cry as she took it.

It felt funny as she hugged me and spilled everything down my back.

The rest of the day was a blur as I was fitted out and she began with
me.

Four years later, she taught me how to be a man.  She was my first
woman.

She was honest.  Any one who could beat her earned her respect.  Her
body if they wished.  I agonized over my decision for weeks after I
beat her.

It was an honor that we all tried for at first.  Eventually, the sex
become unimportant and we just tried to be good enough to beat her.
Few of us ever got that good.  Few of those actually asked for sex
after beating her.  It was a lesson more important than we realized
until we could actually make the decision.

When we talked about it, as teens will, we discovered that reaching
for the goal was more important than actually achieving it.

Each of us loved her in our own way.

We didn't love her half as much as we respected her and wanted to earn
her respect.

* * *

"So  that explains it."  Silky's comment is quiet.

"Karen never explained how come she was at the refuge so often."

"You should talk to her.  She's been one of Thad's instructors."

"It's been a long time since I thought of Karen."  I'm trembling with
the intensity of the memories.

"She would have sensed that something was driving Thad.  She would
have tried to work him out of that attitude."

"I wonder if she realized I was his first teacher?"

I sigh.  My next decision is distasteful to me.

"Althea?"  She turns to me.

"I need to know what I will be dealing with.  I understand he wanders
the grounds late at night."

"I suspect he may be practicing somewhere.  He certainly doesn't
practice where people have seen him.  They'd have commented by now."

She nods.

"When I do confront him, I'd like you to stay out of it no matter what
happens.  Trust my skills.

"Same goes for you Silky.  I can't say when it will happen.  Sooner
the better probably."

Althea rewards me with a quiet, rumbling, growl but nods slowly.

Silky stares at me coldly before nodding. "Aren't you forgetting the
cameras?  You could review the tapes.  Or ask Steve."

"No.  Thad will eventually accept your decision to tell me.  I don't
want him to feel he can't trust anyone at all.

"Perhaps I'm being foolish."  I sigh deeply.  "Do you think I enjoy
the idea of spying on him?  Setting him up?

"Too much is happening.  I thought my past was just that.  I should
have known better.

Silky's answering smile is slight but definite.  "It brought us
together again.

"What makes you feel you can survive Thad?"

"The art is defensive in nature.  One who uses it to attack is
handicapped.

"Anger also clouds reason and erodes otherwise finely tuned skills.

"It is a risk but not so great a one as you probably think."

"Besides."  He grins. "I doubt if Thad has had many chances to fight
someone with a tail.  If he has, I doubt if the other person had
*full* control of  their tail.  It makes a real difference in my
style."

Althea goes to rest her head on Silky's lap.  "I know his skills first
hand.  He and I have our own contests."

"He's Alpha.  We have to accept his decision in this.  We don't have
to like it."

* * *

Nathan is at my side and I can feel his terrified trembling.

He probably feels Althea's anger on a deeper level than I do.

I watch as she stiff-leggedly leaves the room.

Star is watching her as well.

After she is gone he sighs deeply.

"Been a long time since she was that angry with me.  I see a good
workout in our future.  Soon.

"Maybe several of them."

"Do you realize that if he injures you seriously or actually kills
you, she will do her best to kill him?"

My own voice trembles.  "I will too."

"A threat to you is a threat to her.  A threat to me.

"I remember that much from our studies."

"I know."  His voice has an inner pain I can't understand.

"This is the first time in nine years I've made a serious decision
without discussing it with her first.

"Perhaps I erred.   But Thad's threat to me is, above all, a personal
one.

"Something out of my past.  Not the time Althea and now you have been
with me.

"At best, she would most likely seriously injure him if a fight
started.

"Anger and thirst for revenge can only get you to a certain skill
level.  To get past that level, you have to discard the violent
emotions.  Thad, no matter what his skill, no matter how hard he
practices, if he never discards his anger, will never advance past
where he is now.

"I speak as a Master in this.  Karen, were she to speak with you,
would tell you the same."

He sighs deeply.  Strangely, his voice is filled with regret and a
terrible pain.

"If Thad attacks me in anger, no matter his skills, I could kill him
within seconds.

"Just as I killed those who attacked us so many years ago.

"I can kill so easily because I have no desire to."

I blink and stare at him.  That makes no sense at all.

It also reeks of an arrogance I never suspected Star to have.

I can't have misjudged him that much.

That thought stops my half-formed protest.

What, exactly, has he said?

He can easily kill someone because of his skills.  OK.  That makes
sense by itself.

He has no desire to kill.  That too, makes sense.

So how come they make no sense together?  I'm missing something here.

Back up.  Emotions affect the physical skills.  That too, makes sense.
I've been surviving by physically pleasing people with my body and
helping their emotional balance.  No problem there.

I gaze out the window and ponder some more.

I've 'made love' to people that I haven't 'loved'.

Is that it?  It has to be.  It's the only interpretation of his words
that makes any sort of sense right now.

Physically, Star feels he can easily kill Thad if he has to.
Emotionally, he has no desire to.  If I'm reading him right, he
loathes the idea of killing on a level I can't begin to feel as he
does.

That means he's no different than I am when I tell someone I can
please a man to the point of orgasm.

A statement of fact as far as we are concerned.  There's no
'arrogance' involved.

Training and experience that evaluates a situation and lets a person
decide.  That's all it is.

It's the speaking it out loud that makes it sound arrogant.  Social
courtesy tells us admitting our own skills is wrong.

A human thing.

Star and I aren't totally human in our social lives.

I stop my ruminations and realize I've just forced myself to see
something I had been blind to.

"You meant the transforms would have more than problems due to
physical differences didn't you?"

"What?  Oh, of course."  He turns to look at where Nathan and I are
sitting.

"Social ones.  How many people are going to admit that we will have to
develop our own culture?

"How long will it take for all of us to accept that while we have to
live surrounded by 'normal' humans, we will have our own standards of
'normal'?"

"Who decides what those standards will be?  Dare we have them at all?

"I feel some things are universal.

"However...

"Be that as it may, as the first, we will be doing things that will
set the pattern for a long time to come.

"That is the main reason the decision was made to allow us to set our
social interactions *before* any sculpting is done."

"We might be able to live apart.  Eventually, there will be those who
will live in the real world, not protected or behind these walls."

"The cameras, the publicity.  All of it  is more than record keeping.
It's going to force us and those who follow to find ways to deal with
the rest of the world."  I have the feeling he's looking at some inner
vision rather than seeing the outside world.

"I hope it works."  Silence fills the room.

After years of working at Mom's, I find myself wondering if it will
work.

I agree with the decision.  I have to.  We can't hide.  We're already
the center of attention in the world of sculps.  Star is trying to use
that to our advantage.

I sigh.  "What gives you the right to make that decision?"

Before he can comment, I answer it for him.  "You saw the problem
first.  Somebody had to make a decision before events made the
decision for us.  Perhaps a decision we didn't want.

"At least this way, we still have options."  I admit to myself I'm not
pleased by the future I see.  I also, reluctantly, admit to myself I
see no other solutions as workable.

"Sil?"  Star's voice is quiet and there's a tinge of uncertainty to
it.

"I'm not going to tell the others.  Anyone else aware of the problem
has to have reasoned it out on their own.

"I'm...  Being arrogant I suppose.  I  just feel that if people were
told, they would worry about it too much and anything done would be
doomed to failure.

"Social ethics work best when imposed from within.

"Study tells me there will be many different social systems developed.
Right now, we have to stick together.  As more are changed, we will
fragment into differing groups.  A painful but necessary progress.

"The world at large will hopefully accept that we are as diverse as
they are.  That we shouldn't be judged by the attitudes and actions of
a few.

"History tells me it will be a long time before we are accepted fully.

"Some groups have succeeded.  Some have failed.  Some are still
trying.

"I hope we succeed.

"I'd like to be able to walk in the world as myself."  His words are
wistful.  "Not in my lifetime I'm afraid.

"I've never been able to openly be myself - 'out there'.  I miss what
I've never known."  Now he's both bitter and a bit wry.

A line drifts across my mind.  It's from an old TV show.  I speak it
aloud.

"What is normal?  Normal is what everyone else is and you aren't

"Not just you my love.  It applies to everyone."
====

The Turmoil Within
Starshadow and Friends - Project Transform
Thadeus, Starshadow and Lisa
----

I've been at the Center for a week. Once familiar with the routine, I
took to wandering the grounds and exploring out of the way places.

In one of those after dark wanderings, I discovered a clearing that
seemed to have an aura of calmness.

In an effort to regain some inner peace, I started meditating and
practicing in it.

Now settled in a 'routine' of my own, I have sought out the clearing
to relax and try and put the day's events into order.

As I settle to meditate, I admit to myself that here, at last, I may
find the home I have been seeking.

Born too large for most of this world, I am tired of the role
circumstances forces me to play.

I grew up amidst violence. What choice did I have? I was a mistake.
Born of a street-walker who forgot her meds, any 'love' I thought I
found was quickly proven to be an illusion.

The only happiness I remember is when I was left with the gang who
took in any child who needed care.

A teenager about the age I am now was living with the gang. I remember
watching him stand alone and make funny sounds and movements.

I let my mind free to wander in the past as he first taught me...

"Lone?

"Yes Thadeus?" His voice is quiet as he answers me without stopping
his movements. To a six year old's ears, he sounds so mature. Adult.
Even now, I feel as if he was far older than he was. How could I know
his 'maturity' had been forced on him in order to survive?

Years later, I have begun to understand the prices he paid to become
what he was then. I wonder where and who he is now.

"What are you doing?"

"Practicing."

"Practicing what?"

"Self-defense. Meditation."

Self-defense I could understand. Even at the age of 6, I knew I lived
in a violent part of town.

"Meditation? What's that?"

There was a long silence and then he finally stopped and looked at me.
I wondered if I had asked something wrong because he was so quiet.

"Meditation is sort of like daydreaming. Instead of pretending, you
think about things like who you are and what you want to be. Or about
what has happened to you. It's a way of learning things about
yourself. Also it sometimes helps you understand what makes other
people do the things they do."

"Oh... Adult stuff."

"Not always adult stuff Thad. I first started meditating when I was
about 11."

"You said self-defense. Do people hit you?"

"They used to. But not any more." I was too young to understand all
the hidden parts of that simple statement.

"Lone? You made them stop hitting you?"

He nodded. "Yes."

"How?"

"I learned how to be able to hit them back harder than they hit me.
After a while, they quit trying."

I open my eyes to look down at my hands. "You didn't tell me you were
going to teach me how to deal with the attacks that were non-physical.
I wouldn't have understood what you were trying to do.

"Then."

I stand and begin the routine that Lone first taught me. As I work my
way through it, I feel awkward. Somehow, even with all these years of
practice, I don't have the casual fluidity that I should. My masters
have told me it's not due to my size. It's because I still don't
believe.

As I finish, I begin again. Slower this time and more carefully. Maybe
if I take my time, I can at least get the positions correct.

The slower speed lets me meditate just as Lone used to. At least I
learned that part of his lessons.

"Turn *after* you have your foot firmly planted. Not as it lands."

"Yes Lone." My response is drawn from within my meditation rather than
my conscious mind.

"Lone?"

The whispered question snaps me back. Shocked, I begin to apologize
before I know who is there. "Master, forgive me. I was meditating and
did not..."

A raised hand stops my barely begun apology.

"Master I am. I have begun and helped many down the path you are
traveling. However, it has been eleven years since I used the name
'Lonewolf'.

"Or..." He pauses and turns to gaze off at something I can't see.

When he turns back to face me, his posture has changed. Without being
obvious about it, he has become harder, focussed.

"Almost all of those I began to teach, died during that fight. Who are
you that you choose to remember a past best forgotten unless one
wishes to learn it's lessons?

"Silky mentioned that you and I have something in our past that ties
us together."

His smile is a bit forced. "Obviously, you weren't one of those who
took part in the fight."

I look down and realize I have backed away from where I was standing.
I am in a defensive posture and shaking slightly from tension.

I know from his attitude and posture that he has no intent of harming
me. Yet, I back away as if from great danger.

I search within to discover the reasons for my fear. It is the
realization that I stand before someone who has used these same skills
to kill. Whatever he chooses to call himself now, 'Lonewolf' has
killed. My dreams have pointed me at this moment. I never expected it
here. In a place where I had found the beginnings of security and
belief in a future.

Does he suspect my plans for Lonewolf? The inner hate that has driven
me all these years?

"No."

I force the words out. "I wasn't there when it happened.

"I only remember that we all watched you turn yourselves in. That I
lost someone I called friend. Someone who took the time to try and
teach me more than violence.

"I know most of you died or were badly injured.

"Still..."

I can't help the bitterness in my voice.

"Why didn't you come back?

"Everyone else came back."
---

Thad stands before me and speaks of despair and what he only remembers
as my betrayal.

Instead of my first thought of saying 'I had no reason to return', I
settle to the ground and with a gesture, invite him to settle as well.

After long minutes of searching for a way to explain my never
returning, I decide to once again, for a brief time, become
'LoneWolf'.

"I found a chance to get off the streets. A future. My future.

"Remember? Everyone there swore they'd find a way to get out. Be
someone. I thought I saw a chance and took it.

"It worked too.

"Yeah, I suppose I could have come back. But you know what? Which is
better? Never returning or returning to offer a bit of help once in a
while and being resented as the successful one who throws bits and
pieces to his former friends.

"At least this way, everyone thinks of me as having made it out.

"No matter what I decided to do, I would be hated by someone,
resented. After a while, the not going back became a habit. I'm too
damn busy helping those who want it to think much about those who had
their chance and blew it.

"I'm not saying I don't care. I do.

"After the therapy that helped me accept myself, I wound up deciding
that rather than risk losing that adjustment, I would never look back.
Might-have-beens are nice. They aren't reality.

"Are you going to sit there and tell me that you aren't doing the same
thing now? You may have found a chance to get out. I don't hear *you*
talking about your own return yet.

"Are *you* leaving behind anyone you care about or who cares for you?

"I've heard you talking about a future though.

"Don't say what you will do until you have to make the decision.

"The streets were my past. Right or wrong, I put that all behind me.
Life is full of decisions like that. No matter what you decide, it
will be wrong in some way. You learn to live with it.

"It's been over eleven years Thad. I can't unmake my decision.

"I can't change how it has affected those I left behind.

"In your case, I'd say that I didn't need to return anyway.

"I see you still practice what I first showed you. You decided to keep
looking for a way out."

I smile lopsidedly. "Looks to me like you've made it. Staying out is
up to you. As is returning to help those you left behind.

"If you decide want to help them."

* * *

StarShadow's/Lonewolf's hard words stop my next complaints. Instead, I
focus on something I've been hiding from.

"No right decision..." I trail off into thoughtful silence.

Am I leaving anyone behind that will resent my leaving?

Will they hate me the way I have hated Lonewolf?

How could he have known? How can I know?

Does it matter?

Eleven years of training and suddenly I realize how selfish *I've*
been.

I've been as selfish as I believed Lone was.

Something draws my attention to one side. I shiver with old terrors
until I realize the eyes that watch me would not be here unless they
were in something safe to be around.

How long has Althea been sitting there?

As our eyes meet, I am drawn into a world that is somehow simpler than
the one I am used to.

"No 'wrong' ones either. Unless you die from them." The oddly accented
words have an inner impact that is far deeper than I would have
expected.

Althea continues in that same quiet voice. "The past is a heavy burden
to bear. As is the future.

"There are always consequences. Some we can know in advance. Others...
Well, some curses one must live with for the rest of their life.

"Even if one had no part in making the decision and it was made
without considering anything beyond someone's self-interest."

She falls silent and walks over to settle next to StarShadow.

"Easy Ladywolf... Those who 'made' you live in their own hell now.
Wiser I hope."

I watch as the two of them gaze into each other's eyes. After an
eternity of silence, in a gesture I never would have believed
possible, Althea rolls on her back and reaches a paw out to lightly
stroke Star's cheek. He, in return, grasps her paw and bends his head
slightly to kiss it.

I shift in preparation to leave them but forget to allow for the
senses of a wolf and the awareness of a master.

"Stay Thad. This is an old pain for both of us. All involved have
learned much since then.

"Which brings up some other things.

"I met Althea during my therapy. Even had I wished to return, the
streets would never have welcomed her. We decided that our future lay
together. That meant more than returning to a past best left behind.

"Finally, I, no *we* are uneasy about you and your desires.

"Are you willing to finally tell someone what you are hiding? It will
go no further than here if you ask us to keep your secrets."

"What about Silky? The three of you are living together already." I'm
partly surprised that they would realize I'm hiding something. Then, I
remember that Starshadow grew up on the streets as I have. He's a
survivor. How could I, a teenager, hope to fool him for long?

"Where is she anyway?" I look around and try to penetrate the
darkness. "She isn't hiding somewhere is she?"

Has *she* told him of my plans? Once, after sex, I told her how I
hated the man everyone else respected.

"She's back in our quarters. She promised to wait there when I told
her we wanted to have a chance to talk with you."

I look at him and then after a long, uncomfortable silence, nod
slightly.

When I say nothing more, he bends down to say something to Althea. As
she rolls over and watches him, he rises and walks away a bit.

Without warning, she snarls deeply and launches herself at him.

"Lone!" I can't help my scream of fear. All the terrors return with
her actions.

I expect death or serious injury. I see him drop and reach to touch
her side lightly as she sails over him.

Shaking, I watch the tangle of their bodies go back and forth.

It is a while before I realize both are deliberately blunting their
attacks.

Master. Lone displays a level of skill far beyond what I have
achieved. Were Althea to have attacked me as she has him, I know I
would have been hurt almost at the beginning had she desired it.

I've been trained to fight humans. All of us assumed that should we
meet an animal, they would be easy to defend against.

Nobody considered that an 'animal' might learn to allow for a person
trained in the arts.

No, more than that. Althea is not attacking blindly. She is adjusting
her actions to his.

Althea, in her way, is as much a Master as Starshadow is.

No other explanation can exist for what I am seeing. A slight
miscalculation would be almost deadly for these two.

After what seems an eternity, they have separated to face each other.
Both are breathing deeply. They lock eyes and then nod slightly to
each other.

He kneels and she comes over to place her feet on his shoulders. He
hugs her and they kiss deeply.

Without turning, Althea speaks. "It helps to let the anger have a
physical outlet. To trust another with your life."

Then she turns and runs off into the darkness.

We are alone.

Anger. Her words trigger something inside me.

Betrayal.

Revenge.

It boils up, consumes me... and I launch myself at Lonewolf.

After all these years, he is before me. All my plans consume me.

Someone is screaming in their hatred. I realize it is myself.

As we battle, I sometimes think I've seen a slight smile twist his
lips. At first, it angers me more than it puzzles me.

My rage cools and I realize something else. He hasn't attacked me.
Every move has been defensive.

Is he setting me up?

Reason returns and with it, caution.

Also puzzlement.

His tail! He's been using it to distract me. My automatic reactions to
the slight contacts of his tail have made my all my other efforts
useless.

I slow my attacks and realize that until this moment, I've been trying
to injure. Yes, kill should I get the chance.

With that, I stop suddenly and stand frozen in shock.

I stare at Lonewolf. No, Starshadow. Lonewolf would not have withstood
me so calmly. Lonewolf would have struck back at some point.

"Now we know." He is breathing heavily as he speaks.

"Now you know." I am shaking as I recover. "Now *I* know..." I trail
off into silence.

"Whatever level you thought you were, I promote you above it." He
bows.

"There is no shame in losing to someone with skills you've never
conceived of.

"Your previous master and I have discussed you. I did not know what to
expect. He told me only that you had great potential. That you needed
to find your way past some great hurdle.

"Little did either of us know that it was myself who was your hurdle.

"Congratulations."

Advanced because I tried to kill my first teacher and could have
succeeded had he been less capable than he is?

I shiver.

When she advances with bandages and ointments, I realize Silky and
Althea are with us. A moment later, I realize the clearing is
surrounded by the other volunteers and our camera people.

"Nothing broken, only bruises and scrapes." I see him sag a bit. "And
tired."

"I warned you didn't I?" Silky is quiet.

"Indeed you did." He is watching me. "So did Karen."

I jerk my head up but he says no more about Karen.

"Had you not warned us, he would be in emergency and dropped from the
project."

"Or dead." Althea's voice is soft and filled with a certainty that
forces me to realize that had I won my sought after revenge, it would
have cost me my life.

"Quite a show Thad." Steve, my own escort, is calm.

I tilt my head sideways towards the edge of the clearing.

"No lad.

"Nobody here will call you coward for leaving for a bit. It's a wise
man who knows when he should not speak of things just past."

I look at Silky. I can't face Star yet.

"I didn't know who he is. You have to believe me." It is a plea.

"Wolves can be selfish, single-minded. He forced the issue." Her voice
is quivering with a suppressed tension.

"I had to tell him who you were, your plans for him.

" *If* you had succeeded this evening, I too... would have tried to
kill you." The tension is rage that she doesn't bother to hide.

"Wolves don't know laws." Eyes bore into mine.

This is a side of Silky I've never seen before. There's been no
previous hint that she could be so hard.

Yet, she stood by and let Star risk getting killed. I don't understand
this.

I shiver as my body recovers from the activity. It seems like forever
before I am calm enough to think clearly.

"My place on the project?" I'm forced to ask. Forced to admit my fear
that I no longer belong.

"Still yours if you want it." Silky is calmer as well.

"Earned it I'd say." Star's voice is as calm as if nothing had
happened.

"I don't understand!" Anguish fills my plea.

"I don't either." Lisa takes my unresisting arm and turns me towards
the buildings.

"Come. Let's you and I go somewhere quiet for a while."

As we turn away, she looks at Silky briefly and then turns back to
guide me.

I am so numb I note the action but pay it no heed. My body is acting
for me and I have no idea what will happen next.

"I tried to kill him. I could have killed him." I whisper it more to
myself than for Lisa.

Silence.

I come aware to the feel of water surrounding me. Water and a body
next to me. A naked body. I am naked as well.

"You do realize that after the transform, you could kill him? Easily."

"NO!" It is jerked from me as I try to deny what I know.

"Yes." More calmly now, tinged with wonder, I admit the truth.

"I didn't know.

"Does revenge always feel this way?

"So bitter?

"Come, let me comfort you." Hands begin to gently massage my tense
body.

Some time later, she is cradled on my lap with her back against my
chest. Her weight sags into my body.

"I've never felt as you do. I don't know if revenge feels that way."

I tighten my arms around her body. Lisa has given me another form of
trust.

"I don't understand how Star could be so calm. Althea and Silky were
ready to kill me for what I'd done."

Something strikes me. "Lisa?

"How much of it did *you* see?"

I feel her tense and then shiver.

"All of it."

"Silky and Althea are the only ones who missed any of what happened.
Althea missed the time from when you first attacked Star until she and
Silky got there with the medical supplies. Silky missed everything up
to their arrival. She had to hold Althea back. I don't know how she
managed to stop her."

We sit in shared silence. I still feel a sort of calmness and
tiredness from our sex.

"Why this? Why the sex?"

"Don't ask me to explain. I don't know myself.

"I'm drawn to people who have fought as you did. Something turns me
on. Gets me excited.

"I have to be with someone who has been violent.

"Not even Star draws me the way you did.

"He felt... passive. Not worth being with."

"I don't understand." I can feel my resentment at my admission.

"Neither do I." She whispers it.

"Can't we just *feel*?"

She moves in my arms and once again, we lose ourselves in our driven
sexuality.
---

Lisa had to coax and finally nag me to get me to get up and have
breakfast with the others.

I fear meeting the others.

I'm so confused.

I'm scared.

As we walk to the cafeteria, I'm vaguely aware that Lisa and I have
our arms around each other as we walk.

This is so new to me.

As we lay together last night, when I spoke of love and wanting to
stay, she stopped me and said. "No Thad. Not now, not yet. Neither of
us knows for sure. For now, yes, I'll stay with you. More? I don't
know. I promised to share with all of you. I won't go back on my
word."

Reluctantly, I agreed to go have breakfast. I didn't want to.

I was bitter as I told Lisa of the few times I have been with women. A
couple of gay experiences.

I'm so confused.

We walk through the doorway and are greeted quietly.

Everyone is here.

Even Star, Silky and Althea.

Tables have been pushed together and we are quietly invited to join
the others.

I whisper to Lisa. She nods and speaks for both of us.

"Thanks. Thad and I need some time by ourselves.

"Maybe later."

There are warm smiles and nods.

We settle and order our breakfast.

"Thanks Lisa.

"Do you think they mean it when they treat me so well?"

"You mean Star don't you?" She's looking down at the table. At my
hands.

I unclench them. "Yeah. Star. Lonewolf. Whoever he is.

"I still hate him you know.

"I feel like he's playing with my head."

"He is." I look at her in surprise.

"I still hate my father." She's studying Star as she speaks.

"Oh, I respect him, love him... Still, I hate him too."

"Huh? That doesn't make sense." What does how she feels about her
father have to do with now?

"Be honest with yourself Thad. Don't most children hate their parents?

"What about your mother? I haven't heard a word about her from you.

"Starshadow. Lonewolf...

"His name doesn't matter.

"Don't you think it's past time you admitted that you see him as the
father you never knew and always wanted?" She is watching *me* as she
falls silent at last.

"What??" It is a shocked whisper. I sag in my chair.

"What makes you think that?"

Lips quirk slightly. "I don't think it. I know it. You talked in your
sleep.

"Look at him. Really look at him."

"Yeah." The admission is reluctant. "I guess I did pick him as my
father back then.

"He made me feel special. Acted like he cared for me as more than just
another street kid.

"When he never came back, I resented his leaving. I thought he was
like everyone else. It was convenient to be nice but as soon as he
could, he dumped me.

"Pretty self-centered and selfish wasn't I?"

"What kid isn't?" Lisa is quiet. There's something else in her voice
though. She's very thoughtful. I wonder if I really hear the note of
sympathy in her next words.

"Starshadow is a product of the streets too you know.

"All our records are available to all of us. I've read them all. Even
his."

As we eat, she tells me some of the things she learned about the man I
have hated most of my life.

"So you see, he's used to the hate. Used to being different.

"He plays with people's heads to try and get them to realize there can
be other ways of living.

"You have a choice.

"You will always have choices unless you decide you don't have any.

"It's ok to hate him. Resent him. Just don't let it blind you to other
things."

I blink. I realize I've been staring at Star and Silky. She is in his
lap and their motions are unmistakable.

"He... They..."

I turn away to look at Lisa. She's blushing and looking at me.

"Yes.

"They live by different rules now.

"So do we."

I feel heat on my face. "Uhhh..."

She laughs softly and finally I join in.

Star and Silky have finished and resumed their conversations with the
others.

I realize I've finished eating.

"Dad." I whisper it softly to see how it feels. Strange.

I look at Star and say it again. "Dad."

It still sounds strange but somehow right.

I get up and go sit across from him.

I wait until we lock eyes.

"Hello Dad. I still hate you for what you did."

Gasps and everyone is watching us.

He jerks and looks at me. "I'm not your...

"Oh."

I nod slowly. "I didn't know either. Lisa told me. I talk in my sleep.

"Quit playing with my head Star." I let my hatred fill my voice.

"I can't." He looks at me. "Not until you stop listening to me. Not
until you quit trying to understand what I say.

"Are you a quitter?"

I fall back and stare at him. Lisa is next to me and I look at her.
She's obviously shocked by his words.

I let myself look at everyone else in the room. "How can you live with
yourself Star? Mind-fucking people all the time?"

"Am I? The only time I can mess with your head, 'mind-fuck' you, is
when you let me."

I'm alone as I leave the room. I'm running and I know it.

It's too much for me. I need to get away.

I'm crying as I stagger outside and head for the woods. I'm seeking
refuge in the only place I feel comfortable.

I settle in my clearing and try to relax.

That's where Lisa finds me late that night.
====

Lonewolf's Return 
Starshadow and Friends - Return To The Streets
Starshadow, Silky and Althea
------

Introduction

This is actually the second version.  I had a first version of this
story started and then as the other stories developed, I realized I
needed to completely rethink this one.

A conversation with a hyena enthusiast got me to comment. 'You know,
it wouldn't be that hard to rewrite 'The Lion King' so that the hyenas
are the good guys saving the other beasts from the tyranny of the
lions.  (wry chuckle...)  Since writing the previous comment, I came
across an article in the July 1999 Life magazine about how the Disney
folks went to a hyena compound here in the US.  A further comment was
that the folks there tried to get them to use the hyenas as good guys.

Now don't take me wrong here.  I truly enjoy the movie.  At the same
time, I also love to turn things on their head to see what falls out.

In this case, a story working to destroy the myths perpetuated about
hyenas fell out.

The person has been very helpful and we've spent a lot of time in
'consultation' as I slowly felt my way to a believable synthesis of
human and hyena perspectives.  Any errors are mine, not his.

I hope you enjoy the results.
===

Plans For The Future
---

"Silky?

"I want to go back to the old neighborhood.  I want to ask people from
the gang I ran with if they would be willing to help here.  They'd fit
nicely into a plan I have.  Plus, quite frankly, with Althea and the
other wolves aging, they are going to have to retire from their
bodyguard duties soon."

"The synthesis those people worked out as human/hyena hybrids is
something that will help us not only as bodyguards but also in the
adaptation and childcare programs."

I don't bother to hide my surprise.  Star has been very clear about
having left the old neighborhood and life behind.  To hear him tell me
he wants to go back indicates he has been rethinking that decision for
some time.

Actually, what he did was make a gesture to get my attention and then
use a combination of body language and words.  It's been a couple of
years since our final transform and we have built a 'language' that
uses our new bodies and abilities.

I'm giving a very rough translation that doesn't carry the emotional
overtones or convey how much this action/decision means to him.

I smile slightly when I look over at where Althea and a couple of
wolves from her last litter are 'baby-sitting' our son John Jr.

They are having their own quiet 'conversation' that is a mix of human
and wolf.  John is giggling at something they've done or told him.  I
shake my head in wonder.  John Jr. and the new wolves are building a
world Star and I will never be able to fully understand or fully live
in.

One thing I *do* know is that they will build that world together.  We
will need to have humans around them who are willing to allow that to
happen without trying to impose 'normal' values on them.

I have to admit Star's old friends are a good choice for those duties.

"Do you think that after all these years they will remember you?  Even
if they do, what are the chances of them joining us?"

"If anyone is left from when I was there, they'll probably remember
me."  His next comment is bland.  "You did."

I twitch my ears back in irritation until I realize I'm being teased.
Two can play that game.

"Thad remembered better than I did."  I try to maintain a pose of
being serious but at his smile I can't contain my laughter.

"He still wants to go back."  He sighs deeply.

I settle next to him and we hug each other.  "Does he realize?"  I ask
the question I've been hiding from for over a year.

"How could he know?  You and I are the only ones who have total access
to all our genetic records.  It was a routine search to see if we
could find any medical records on his parents that turned up the
joker."  He sighs.  "At least I wasn't the one who actually killed the
man."

I hug him.  "Small consolation.  So which one of us tells him and
Lisa?"

He looks at his hands.  I sense his distaste for what he has to do. "I
was there."  I nod slowly.  I expected him to decide to tell the tale.

* * *

Thad is practicing in the clearing the pack has adopted as theirs.
Most of the pack is there already when Althea, Dusty and I join them.

"Hello you three."  He pants it out.  "We aren't finished yet."

We settle and watch.  Unofficially, we call what he and the pack are
doing 'The Dance of Power'.  He is in the middle and all the wolves
launch co-ordinated or individual attacks against him.  It looks like
a snarling mob but to one who is patient, it becomes a testimony to
all their skills.  It started as a way to train the wolves and for
Thad to be able to build his stamina after he was changed.  In three
years, it has become a weekly ritual for all them to vent their energy
and frustrations.  Thad's skill has matured along with his body.  As
we watch, I see a smile cross his features at times.

"He's found himself at last.  I hope we don't destroy that balance." I
murmur it to Althea and Dusty.

"The young wolves adore him.  Soon, there will be another pack.  Thad
and Lisa will not be leaders but they will be honored elders.  The
ones who wish to break away are already calling themselves 'The People
of the Knife'."  Dusty's words are softly spoken.

I nod as I watch the ongoing action.  "I know.  Althea and I have
already given them our permission and blessings.  They also swear an
oath to protect those weaker than themselves and never attack another
being.  This is their way of releasing the need to attack.  A formal
duel in which they may attack at will.  Dangerous for anyone else.  He
sees it as being essential in their training for their duties.  I
agree."

"Enough play."  Althea lifts her nose and surprises me by uttering the
'Call to gather'.  The transmitter she wears is specially tuned and
sends her howl to a special system that relays it through the
institute's public address system.

The group before us freezes and then settles quietly.  Within minutes,
all the wolves are gathered and waiting.  Without looking at me she
comments.  "Lisa will be here soon.  I told her to answer the call if
I sent it today."

Thad studies us.  The confused teenager who joined us three years ago
is slowly being replaced by a young man who looks at the world with
confidence in his ability to to deal with it.

"Lisa will be here?"

I nod.  "Apparently she and Althea decided she should be."

"Important then."  He turns slightly.  "Hello, love."  He wraps an arm
around her and the two of them settle themselves before facing us. "OK
Star.  What's this all about?"

"You.  About a year ago, Silky and I discovered who your father is and
what happened to him."  I stop as he holds up a hand.

"Star, you and Silky are my father and mother.  You learned who sired
me."

I nod slowly.  "Nonetheless, before we return to the streets, you need
to know."

"More mind games, Star?"  His voice is low.

"No.  Honesty between us.  Someone is bound to recognize you and note
the resemblance.  You need to be prepared for that."  I am not worried
about his 'mind games' comment.  As a teacher himself, he now dimly
understands the reality behind much of what I do.

He looks around at the gathered pack and the lack of humans.  "The
whole pack?"

"Support during a crisis.  Get on with it, Star."  Althea is curt.

"I met your father.  He was one of the leaders of the gang who
attacked us.  I didn't kill him.  From what I remember, and the
records confirm this, he was killed by a bullet in the back of his
head.  Only his gang used guns.  We never did and I swear to you, none
of us took the time to grab one and use it during the fight."  I let
myself smile grimly before continuing.

"You know the level of skill some of us had.  Would they have died as
messily if they had decided to forswear their oaths and use the guns
dropped by their attackers?"

He returned my smile.  "No.  So, are you saying it was an accident
that he was killed?"

"No.  If not for the bullet, one of us would have killed him in some
other way.  Remember, we thought as hyenas do.  The only end we sought
was one that had all on one side dead or dying."

"Defense of the primary den."  I fall silent and wait.  Thad is
shaking as he realizes what I am saying.

"So, why was he killed?"  He's totally focussed.

"Because he wouldn't back off.  When he realized that we were fighting
to the death, he ordered his gang to do so as well.  By then, all they
wanted to do was survive.  Someone disagreed with his decision and
made sure he wouldn't repeat the order.  Only the police know who that
person was.  We never felt the need to find out who it was since all
of the attackers died.  I killed at least five of them myself.  Thad,
I'm sick of death.  I've had to live with my part in what happened for
over fourteen years."

I study him carefully.  "If revenge is what you wish, you can't join
us when we return.  I will not be a party to carrying on the past.
You'll have to do it on your own after leaving the Institute.  Anyone
who wishes to join you may do so."

"There is a second pack now.  You're a respected part of it."

"Althea, Dusty?"  They nod in agreement with my unspoken question.  I
raise my voice.  "As Alpha, I declare this gathering over.  My pack is
to disperse immediately and leave the others to decide their fate."

As we walk away, I hear one of the remaining wolves start the howl
that calls the human members of the new pack.
====

Reaching
Starshadow and Friends - Project Transform
Thadeus and Lisa
---

"Who?!"  I jerk back as I realize someone is sitting across from me.

"Just me."  I barely recognize Lisa's voice.  "I'm sorry.  After you
left, I was afraid..."  she trails off into silence.  "Then I decided
you needed to be alone."

"How did you know where I was?"  I glance over and realize I forgot
about Steve and his camera.  He shakes his head from side to side and
I look back at Lisa.

"The wolves.  They watch everything."

"Oh."  Once more I am reminded of how much I have to learn.  I feel so
helpless.

"How do you do that?  You look so comfortable and relaxed."

"Do what?"  Then I realize she has tried to copy my meditation
position.  "Practice.  Years of it.  I feel uncomfortable meditating
in any other position."  I hesitate and stare off at my memories.

"Lonewolf taught me."

She looks away and then back.  "Do you think you could teach me?  I
need...  Never mind."

"Lisa?"

"No, I'm not ready to explain."

Are those tears in her eyes?  I feel so awkward.

An oddly accented female voice speaks from next to me. "Lisa fears.
You know how to help her not-fear.  Do so.  It will be good for the
pack."  After I recover from being startled, I turn to see golden eyes
watching me.  Once she knows she has my attention, she uses her nose
and nudges one of my hands.  "Teach.  Starshadow and Althea say you
are ready."

As she turns to leave she looks back at me.  "My name is Dusty.  For
the good of the pack you should teach Lisa what she asks."  Then,
abruptly, she is gone.

"Looks like you and Lisa have been adopted, lad."  Steve is
thoughtful.  "Dusty is one of the original wolves.  She's been a loner
and drifted from person to person as her interests change.  She's an
independent lady.  I'd listen to her if I were you.  Althea
understands Starshadow. Dusty understands the rest of us."

Me, a teacher?  I remember my promise to teach someday.  I don't feel
ready.  It's too sudden.

"Lisa?  I've never taught before."

"Thadeus.  We spoke of many things last night.  Not all of them were
in words."  She shivered slightly.  "You said you trusted me.  Think
back.  It wasn't until this afternoon that I realized I told you I
trusted you.  Isn't that enough?"

She trusts me?  I trust her?  Starshadow and Althea trust me?  I
remember something from long ago.  Something Karen told us.
"Understanding does not always follow the words.  Sometimes the body
knows before the mind does.  Someday you'll be able to accept this and
use it to your advantage.  For now, you'll have to trust me."

I take a deep breath and lean forward.  "For stationary meditation,
you begin this way.  Later we will try meditating as you move."

* * *

"Thadeus?  Lisa?  May we join you?"  We look up to see Starshadow and
Althea standing at the end of our table.  I look at Lisa and she nods
slowly.  "OK."  I am reluctant to face them after what happened
yesterday.

"Thanks.  We won't be long."  They settle and there is a long silence
as the four of us eat.

"Lone?"

He holds up a hand.  "No.  Starshadow.  Or Star.  Lonewolf died eleven
years ago.  Part of his story is in the records available to all of
you.  The rest?  Well, there are many things that don't get written
down."  He smiles a bit lopsidedly.  "True for all of us."

I nod slowly.  I still resent his abandoning us.  I don't understand
everything that happened yesterday.  I'm not ready to ask.  I still
need time to try and sort things out in my mind.

"Star?  Why did you send me to Thad for instruction?"  Lisa's question
startles me.  She had made it clear she wouldn't tell me why she
asked.  I had assumed that she wouldn't answer any other questions.

"The short answer is that you trust Thad and you don't trust me."  He
glances over at Althea and she leaves.

"The long one?"  Lisa seems intent for some reason.

"I was hoping you wouldn't ask.  But, justice.  An apology for what I
did to both of you yesterday.  I'm not insensitive.  The wolves keep
track of everyone here.  Sometimes they report to me on their own,
sometimes they report because I ask them to."

"It's important that all of us settle into whatever relationships we
are going to develop, intimate or otherwise, before any of the actual
changes are started.  The wolves and those of us who undergo the first
changes will have only ourselves for support.  It's important that we
discover who we are comfortable with."

"Dusty, who is the wolf who has the best understanding of humans, has
been keeping track of all of us.  She told me that when the two of you
are together, you 'smell mated'.  It's a term she uses to tell us that
she senses two or more people trust each other on a level deeper than
ordinary friendship.  There are others she feels are this way or will
eventually become that way."

"In some ways, Dusty is the person who will let us know we can move on
to the next stage."

He stops.

"You're ducking.  I asked you 'why Thad instead of you'.  If anyone
here is qualified to teach *anyone* regardless of their feelings for
each other, it's you."  She's emphatic.  "Why Thad?"

He nods slowly to Lisa and then turns to me.  "Because he needs to
learn how to care for others."  With that he smiles slightly and
quietly leaves.

"Head games."  I whisper it.  "No wonder Karen and the others think so
highly of him."

"Hmm?"  Lisa is watching Star as he hugs Silky and then says something
to Althea.  Silky heads in our direction as Star and Althea exit.

"Oh, just something Karen said several years ago.  'Lonewolf earned
his title of Master before I did.  If you ever meet him, someday
you'll learn why I don't resent it.  In some ways, he was a Master
even before he chose the way we follow.'  I'm beginning to see what
she meant.  He tailors his lessons to what we don't say out loud.
Insight.  It's something I'm still striving for."

"Thad.  I've read what little there is in the records about you.  What
did he mean when he said you needed to learn to care for people?" Lisa
has reached across and gently turned my head so I face her.

"You know I'm the unwanted son of a prostitute?"

She nodded.

"I grew up with that.  I was resented.  Used.  There were those my
mother rented me to so they could use me sexually.  It started when I
was a baby.  By the time I was 5, I'd been fucked so many times I no
longer resisted when someone tried to take me.  All it took was a
gesture to get me to remove my clothes.  As I grew up and got bigger
faster than any of the other kids, I developed in other ways.  I
learned to use others as I was used.  Sex was the scratching of a
natural itch.  If I needed, I took."

"Anyway, I must have been 6 or so when I met Lonewolf.  I wanted him
to take me as a sign he cared for me.  He refused.  When he touched me
to show me how to make a movement properly, sometimes I would try to
make it more.  He never commented, just gently ignored me and kept
patiently working with me."

"Even then, he had a special insight.  I guess that's when I started
thinking of him as the father I never knew.  Maybe part of my
resentment is that when he never returned, I lost any chances of
getting him to 'love me' in the way I felt he should.  Sexually."

"I've been forced to be a loner.  I'm an outcast because of my size. I
survived by selling my body and doing the odd 'rough job'.  I was
popular for that because my size is intimidating."

"One day Karen showed up and offered to teach anyone who asked.  That
was soon after the battle.  When she found out Lone had been working
with me, she asked me for everything I could remember about him."

I pause long enough to motion for Silky to go ahead and settle.

"Karen seemed...  Proud and yet sad about what had happened.  She
refused any offers of payment.  She made all of us the same offer.
Become good enough to beat her and we could have her in any way we
chose.  I never succeeded.  I once asked about that.  'You're too
angry about something. It causes you to lose your focus.' "

"After yesterday, I know what she was talking about."  I look over at
Silky.  "You had to tell him.  I accept that.  You were the only one
who knew both sides of the story."

"Thank you, Thad."  She hesitated.  "Thad, we all know you have been
putting yourself under a lot of pressure.  That's another reason Star
sent Lisa to you.  It's pressure but it's a pressure you've freely
chosen.  Accepting was an indication you can learn to care.  In fact,
you do.  Now, you just need to learn to relax and not worry about how
long it will take to learn to expand that care to others."

She reaches out to lightly brush my face.  "Something you should know.
I'm a member of Star's pack and accepted as the beta female.  At the
same time, I've never given up my job as a sexual therapist.  If you
or Lisa ask, I can be there for either or both of you in that
capacity."  Her lips twist into a smile.  "That includes
participation.  I have a freedom Star and Althea do not.  It has to do
with the social dynamics of the pack."

I blush and watch her as she gracefully rises and leaves.  I'm brought
back to reality when Lisa nudges me and then laughs.  "She's smooth,
isn't she?"

"Smooth?  Yeah.  Have I just been seduced?"  As much as I'd like to
explore what Silky hinted at, I think I better stick to one person,
Lisa, for now.  I'm out of my depth and I know it for a change.

"Seduced?  Maybe.  Warned is closer.  I think."  She's thoughtful.
"We're both loners in many ways.  Get involved with Silky and we would
be getting involved in a situation we both have no experience of.  I
think we better stick to what we know for now."

"She scares me.  I always thought she was just another prostitute. I'd
used her a couple times and never really took the time to look at her
situation.  Once, when I was upset about how people admired Lonewolf,
I flew into a rage and told her I planned to kill him if I got the
chance.  She calmed me down and I thought that was the end of it."

"When she said she would have tried to kill me, it shocked me.  I'd
never seen anyone be that hard.  Not even Lone when he was angry - was
that intense."  Once again, I drift in my memories.

"Thad?"  She reached over and touched me gently.  "My room?  I want to
get the few things I have there and move them to yours."

"Huh?"  I'm confused again.

She looked away.  "I've been thinking.  I'm going to have to apologise
to the others for no longer being willing to sleep with anyone who
asks.  I need some time with one person who cares.  I have my own
demons to kill."  She faces me and I see tears.  "Can I use you for
awhile?"

Use me?  What is she talking about?  "OK.  I don't know what you're
talking about.  I thought we were becoming friends.  Are you going to
keep having sex with me or should I forget about that?"  Of course I
was blunt.  I didn't know any other way to ask.  I didn't know how to
tell her I wanted more than just sex.  If anyone ever knew how to use
people, I did.

"Oh, Thad.  Of course we'll screw each other if that's what you want.
I just want to have you there to talk to when I need to talk.  I'll be
there for you too."

"Friends?"  She holds out a hand.

"Friends."  I take it in both of mine and just look at her.  For the
first time in many years, I dare to hope that I have found someone who
won't abandon me if I become 'inconvenient'.
---

End: 'Reaching'
====

End: Starshadow & Friends 1/2

-- 
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