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From: "Stasya T. Canine" <stasyatk9@juno.MUNGED.com>
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Subject: {ASSM} "Lost Innocence" (abuse recovery, caution, Mm, seduction, oral, anal)  Stasya T. Canine
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Date: Wed, 04 Jun 2008 06:10:03 -0400
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This work is released to the public domain

abuse-recovery (Mm seduction oral anal)

The following is NOT some sort of advertising ploy to suck in readers.  I've
added it because a recovering Man-boy abuse survivor, who helps other
survivors--asked me to.

The caution is because I've been told that some of the scenes are vivid
enough they could trigger a flashback in someone who is recovering from
abuse.

PLEASE, if you have any doubts about your ability to handle the vividness in
the story, do NOT read it.

I won't get upset if you skip it, or if in the middle, you decide to bail
out.  
----

Nightmare
Lost Innocence - part 1
by: Stasya T. Canine
---

I wake screaming at the remembered pain. Not physical pain, emotional.

The destruction of my innocence.

The years have taught me to forgive.

My mind won't let me forget.

OH GOD I WISH I COULD FORGET!!

To try to sleep again is useless.

My wife's voice is gentle. "Same thing?"

"Again." I force the word out.

"Let me help."

Her hands are a welcome contact. I roll over on my stomach and she starts the
routine of massaging the tenseness from my body.

With that gentle contact to anchor me, I finish remembering.

---

Once again, I'm eleven years old. Eleven and innocent.

"Uncle Bill!"

"Hi Jimmy boy!"

I hold my hands in front of me and he grabs them and swings me around a few
times. This is a ritual greeting for us. The wind flying through my hair and
the thrill of motion as his strong hands hold me.

"Say goodbye to your parents, Jim."

He sets me down and I pause to wave goodbye to them. It is a wave done out of
duty. The excitement of spending the summer on my uncle's farm has me aching
to explore. Not stand here waving at them.

In my excitement, I don't see my uncle's smile subtly change as they drive
away and can no longer see us. I wouldn't have understood it anyway. Not
then.

Weeks later I would know what that smile meant. Even now, after years of
therapy and a happy marriage to a loving woman, the image of that smile
causes me to scream in terror.

He ruffles my hair in affection. "Come on kid. Tillie has lunch ready.

"Then I can show you the rest of the farm."

The first week was a joyous exploration. I got to watch in fascination as two
of his horses mated. It was my introduction to sex.

"What are they doing that for?"

"It's how they make babies Jimmy. The man horse has to to that to the woman
horse so she can have a baby later."

"Really? WOW!" Then something clicked in my mind.

"The thing I pee with. Did my dad use his like that so mommy could have me?"

Bill chuckled. "Yes he did. I'll tell you a secret too.

"It's lots of fun. Even if you aren't trying to make a baby."

As we walked back to put the horses back in their stalls, he added, "I bet
you already know that some things are fun to do with it though."

I blushed and stammered. "How'd *you* know that?" I was too innocent to
realize I'd just admitted to him that I played with myself.

"I do it too. Sometimes your aunt does it for me."

"You let a *girl* do that?" My voice was filled with all the contempt for
girls I could muster.

He grinned at me. "Sure. It's a lot different when someone else does it. You
don't get as tired."

I thought about that as we went in the house for dinner.

Later that night, I played with myself like I sometimes did. The idea of
having someone else do it seemed strange. Exciting.

Then I remembered the horses. Putting my dick *in* something was also a new
idea. I wondered how it would feel compared to using my fist.

I stuck one of my fingers between my ass cheeks to see what it felt like. I
tried to picture that pressure and warmth around my dick.

Somehow, my fantasies made me even more excited and the tingling, pleasant
feeling even stronger.

I fell asleep with the image of the horses mating in my mind.

For the next couple of days, my uncle and I never talked about it. I went
around trying to see if other animals were mating. When he bred the horse and
mare, I was there watching avidly.

Bill was standing next to me. He didn't say a word. Then. Just shared that
secret smile with me.

Weeks later, I discovered I wasn't the first boy he'd seduced. Definitely the
last though. That comes later. Just before I went home.

When we got in the barn, he stopped me from heading back to the house.

"Ever played with yourself around someone else Jimmy?" His question was
artlessly innocent.

"No. We've showed off to each other though. Mine's real small."

He chuckled. "It'll get bigger as you get bigger. Want to see mine?"

My eyes got big. "You mean it? Yours must be WAY bigger than mine."

"It's called a penis. If I show it to you, you've got to keep it secret. This
is a man-to-man thing. *Our* secret."

Wide-eyed, I nodded my agreement. A *man's* secret. I felt ten feet tall.

He undid his fly and pulled himself out. It didn't look too big but he played
with it and it got bigger and bigger.

Finally, he stopped playing and pulled his hand away. "That's as big as it
gets."

"Wow." My voice was hushed with awe. His penis was huge! So I thought then
anyway. It was actually only about 6 inches but to my eyes it looked as big
as the stallion's. Especially when I compared it to mine.

It jutted out and twitched as he stood there. Finally, he put it back and
buttoned his pants.

"Maybe someday yours will get that big. Maybe even bigger.

"Remember Jim. Our secret. I don't want to have to tell your parents or aunt
you can't be trusted with secrets."

"OK uncle Bill."

Over the next couple of days, he got me used to him exposing himself around
me when we were alone. Then he got me to let him see me. Fair is fair after
all. I had seen his, he should get to see mine.

---

Sobbing into the sheets, I cry for the lost innocence I never knew I was
losing until it was too late.

Martha continues to gently massage my back and shoulders. Over the years
we've been together, she's learned to not go lower than the center of my
back. If she gets near my butt when I'm like this, it triggers a flash-back.
One time I attacked her because I thought she was my uncle trying to screw me
again.

That was just after we got married. I woke screaming and she tried to relax
me. When she got me to tell her what had happened, she helped me find help
and get therapy. Together. So she could learn to help me when it happened
again.

Odd... I never before questioned her assumption it would happen again.

I'll have to remember to ask her what made her think it would happen again.
Or have I had this thought and forgotten it as I continue to remember?

I can't help my shivering as I continue remembering. Maybe someday, the pain
will go away. I hope so. The only thing keeping me alive after a session like
this is Martha. Her love and tenderness as she stays with me and eases me
back and reminds me of what I have now. I've survived. That's more than
others I've learned about.

---

Finally, we sat in the hay together and we each played with ourselves as the
other watched.

It was a new game for me. It felt good and he taught me all kinds of ways to
make it feel even better.

"What's that white stuff?"

"It makes babies. A man puts it inside a woman and eventually, a baby comes
out."

He used his fingers to wipe himself and then licked them clean.

"How come I don't make any? Nothing ever comes out." I was disappointed
because no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't do what my uncle did.

"You aren't old enough yet. Soon though. You'll even start to grow hair down
there."

One day, when my aunt had left for town, we stripped completely and sat
there. I couldn't help comparing how we looked.

Finally, I gathered my courage...

"Uncle Bill?"

"Yes?"

"Umm... Could I ummmmm... Well... Touch you down there?" What I really wanted
was for him to touch me. Still, I was fascinated by how different we were.

He loved me. I knew that. I trusted him. He was helping me become a man. That
was all I needed to know. If he said it was all right, why, it must be OK.
He'd never hurt me. I was certain about that.

He paused and looked at me. I din't see the added gleam of lust in his eyes.
I was staring at his throbbing penis. It was twitching and red and swollen
and bobbing... I just had to feel it. I knew mine would be like that someday.
He said it would.

"Sure Jim. Go ahead." His voice was soft and encouraging.

Tentatively I reached out and wrapped my fingers around him. It felt hot. I
could feel it pulsing in my hand. His hips twitched as I squeezed a little. I
let go and stared at it and then looked at him.

I felt.... Different. I smiled shyly. "I'll be like you someday?"

He nodded. "Yes. Someday you'll be like this.

"Know something else? It's just like your arms or legs. The more you exercise
it, the stronger and bigger it gets.

"Want me to show you some more exercises?"

I nodded mutely.

"OK, wrap your hand around yours."

I did so.

"Now, I'm going to hold your hand in mine. I want you to use your fingers to
do what mine do."

Slowly, I started to move as his hand and fingers did.

At last, I got so frustrated I started crying. "I can't do it right. It
doesn't feel as good."

He sighed. Only later did I realize his sigh was for my benefit. He *wanted*
me in that state.

He hugged me close as I cried. "That's ok Jimmy. It just takes practice.

"How about if I do it to you and let you feel what it's like? Then you can
try it later on your own?"

That shocked me. I had been told to not let anyone touch me there. It was
wrong. Up til then, it had been uncle Bill teaching me how to become a man. I
was convinced he wouldn't hurt me.

Suddenly, I was facing a decision. What we were doing felt good. It was fun.
Why would my parents tell me to not do something fun? I was going to be a
man. Uncle Bill says men do this.

He felt me tense as he asked and he loosened his hug. His naked body felt
good against me. Warm. Comforting. I felt secure as he held me.

"Uncle Bill? I'm not supposed to let people touch me there. It's wrong.

"Why would someone helping me learn to be a man be wrong?"

He let one hand start lightly stroking me. Gradually, he worked his way down
my body. "Jim. It's wrong for *strangers* to touch you. You can't be sure
they won't do something to hurt you.

"Isn't that what you were told? Did your parents say anything about *family*
not helping you?" He let it hang there as his fingers slowly began to work
around my penis.

I wanted to believe him. Uncle Bill wasn't a stranger. He was my uncle. He
was family.

I wanted him to keep touching me. I wanted him to show me how to make myself
bigger. Be a man sooner.

I relaxed on him and said. "OK, show me."

He hugged me tight. "Tell you what. To make things fair, I'll show you and if
you want, you can do anything you want to me. OK?"

"OK"

He lifted me up had me sit on him so his penis was between my legs. I giggled
as I looked down at us like that. Next to mine like that, he looked really
huge.

Here we go..." And we started a new game that day. After doing chores, we
would find a place to strip and each of us would do whatever we felt like to
the other. It was lots of fun for both of us.

We'd spend time like that until he spurted and then we'd both wipe it off and
taste his come and smile at each other.

I loved him for teaching me all this. His praise at my progress made me real
proud. I was going to be as good a man as he was.

And it would be our secret that he had taught me. He said every man's duty
was to teach a young boy how to be a man. How to have sex and make babies.
This was going to be something I would keep as our secret until I was a full
grown man. Then I would pass on what I knew and help another boy become a
man.

Finally, he decided I was ready for the final lessons.

"Jimmy. You want to find out what it feels like when you try to make babies?"

"Sure!"

"OK, here's what you do. I'm going to lay down on my stomach on a bale of
hay. I want you to spit in your hand and then rub it all over yourself.

"Once you're stiff, put your penis in my asshole and push it in and out. It
won't quite be the same but it feels pretty close."

He smiled. "You'll really like it. It's *real* different than using our
hands."

By now, I'd do anything for him. He'd never lied to me once about things. It
was all fun and it felt good. That's all I needed to know.

"OK. Won't it hurt you?"

"No." He smiled at me. "Other boys and even men have done that to me. It
feels good."

"This way you get to practice so that someday you can help a woman make
babies. Or just have fun together like we do."

So, I fucked him. He was right. It did feel good. And he grunted just like he
always did when he came. So, I knew he was having fun too.

After I was done, he turned over and sat up and held me in his lap.

I snuggled and wiggled on him and felt him getting stiff. This was something
we'd done before. Sometimes I would sit on his lap and jerk him off while his
penis was between my legs.

"Bill? What about you? What if you tried to put yourself in me?"

What I'd done felt so good, I felt he should feel good to. Oh yes, he trained
me well.

"Jimmy. I'm too big for you right now. You'd have to be stretched. You know
how you feel with a finger in there? Well, you'd have to be greased and real
relaxed before I could get in. I don't want to hurt you any."

I tilted my head back to look at him. "You could do it though? It's not fair
for me to only do it to you. If I'm going to be a man, I need to know
everything don't I?"

Damn he was skilled. He had me begging for everything we did. He could
honestly say that I forced myself on him. How many other lives did he ruin?
How many other men lie awake nights after screaming as they remember?

No one will ever know.

"I don't know, Jimmy. We only have a couple of more weeks. I may not be able
to get you ready in that time."

I pleaded with him. "We can try though, can't we?"

He sighed. "Yes, we can try.

"Get up and bend over so your ass faces me."

"Sure!"

Those massive hands of his were so gentle as they slowly carressed me as I
stood there.

I shivered in pleasure. Uncle Bill was so gentle and tender. I could *feel*
his love for me. All these weeks and not once had he hurt me.

I sure hoped we had time for me to let him pump inside me. I just *knew* it
would feel good.

At last, he used his thumbs to spread my cheeks apart.

I heard him hack and then he spat at me and I felt a wet splat. It was cold
at first but that quickly vanished.

"Let me know if it hurts, Jimmy. Any time you say stop, I will. This takes
time."

Gently, his thumbs worked around the outside of my asshole. He'd pull it
apart a bit and then let go. Finally, I felt one of his thumbs start in.

"Unngh."

He stopped.

"Your fingers are bigger than mine... OK."

After a while, he got one thumb in all the way and just let it rest there.
While he did that, he reached around and fondled me with his free hand.

After a while, he pulled his thumb out.

"OK, that's enough for now."

I straightened and turned to look at him. His penis was bigger than I'd ever
seen it.

"Here, come on over and sit on my lap."

This time, instead of letting his penis slide between my legs, he guided me
so that it lay between ny cheeks. I could feel its heat along my crack.

It felt wonderful. We stayed like that for a while until he softened finally.

Over the next week, whenever we had a chance, he would work me a little more.
I never questioned what he was doing. Sometimes I would fuck him first and
others he would hold me and slide his greased penis between my legs.

Finally, he told me I was stretched enough. This time, he stuck his fingers
in for a while and waited. Then, right after he pulled them out, he placed
his penis there and gently pushed at me.

It seemed like forever but finally, I felt the tip go in me.

He didn't do anything else, just waited a while and then pulled out.

Damn, he was so gentle about it. It hurt a little but he took his time and
any time I said stop, he did. If he felt me tense a little, he stopped and
waited until I said I was OK.

Finally, two days before I had to go home, I was ready.

"Let's wait for your aunt to leave."

I grinned at him. "OK"

She was headed for town to do some shopping for extra food for when my
parents would arrive the next day.

"I have a treat for you. We'll watch the horses first. I have a mare that
needs breeding."

He brought the horses in the barn and we stripped first. Then he let them
breed. God I was exited. He was too. While they were mating, he had greased
me and got us ready. As they finished, we started.

"Ready, boy?" I wondered at the sudden change in his tone. He was tense for
some reason.

"Yep!"

As I stood on a hay bale, he slowly entered me. Finally, he was in all the
way and he stopped and waited for me.

"Ready yet? This time I'm going to pump until I come."

"OK!" That moment just before he started is my last happy memory of that
summer.

Oh, he started slowly and gently. Then I felt his hands dig into me.

He started jerking me back at him and his hands clenched painfully on me.

I started crying in pain. "Stop!

"You're hurting me!

"Uncle Bill! It hurts!" I was crying as he drove himself in me.

This wasn't fun any more. He wouldn't listen as I screamed. He just kept
driving away at me.

Finally, he lunged one last time and held me against him as he came.

"Shut up boy. You asked for it. I've waited all damn summer for this moment.
It my turn finally.

"Do you know how sexy that cute little virgin ass of yours looked? I've
wanted to fuck you for years.

"Our little secret. If you tell anyone, I'll tell them you begged me to fuck
you.

"You gonna tell them about all the weeks we spent together? How you asked me
to teach you to be a man? All the fun we had together?

"Shut the fuck up and get dressed. It only hurts a little. If we had more
time, you'd learn that eventually you get used to it and enjoy it.

"I did.

"Remember. You had fun fucking me. Did I hate it? Hell no. You'll enjoy it
too.

"Look at yourself. You came too. You enjoyed it as much as I did.

"Don't let a sore asshole make you forget that."

He shoved me away from him roughly. "Let's get dressed before your aunt gets
home."

Still sobbing, I got dressed. He stood there and watched me.

Nodding finally, he dressed as well.

"Come on Jimmy. I have some medicine in the house that will help you feel
better."

"No! Don't touch me!

"You lied to me! You said it wouldn't hurt.

"I trusted you!"

Jerking myself out of his hands, I ran to the house. As I ran, I could hear
the stallion screaming and some other noises.

---

Hours later, aunt Tillie got home.

"Where's your uncle?

"And why are you crying?

Sobbing, I told her. "He was in the barn. I hurt myself."

Gently, she raised my head to look into my eyes. I tried to turn away.

"Dear God. No." She breathed it as a whisper.

"Yes." Her voice was firmer.

"HE hurt you. Didn't he?"

Numb, I could only nod.

She hugged me and we cried together.

"You stay here.

"I'll be back. He won't touch you again.

"OK?"

She left me sitting there.

Her face was pale when she returned.

"Jimmy? I want you to promise me something. No matter what happens, don't
tell anyone what he did. He'll never do it again. To you or any other little
boy."

"He won't?

"Promise?"

She nodded. "He can't. He's dead."

I looked at her in disbelief.

She nodded. "It must have been the stallion. They're both covered in blood"

She held me as we cried some more.

---

She called the police and that was the end of it. Or so I thought then.

Accidental death they called it. People thought he tried to take the stallion
away from the mare and the horse spooked.

Nobody ever told them otherwise.

I wish we had.

Maybe I wouldn't wake screaming in the night.

Maybe if we had, I would have been helped to put what happened behind me.

We didn't though.

So, all these years later, happily married, if my wife forgets and gently
squeezes me at night while I'm asleep...

I wake screaming.
----


Realization
Lost Innocence - part 2
by: Stasya T. Canine
---


"Honey?" My wife's soft question slowly brings me back to the world.

It had been another one of those nights. We were sitting at the kitchen table
having breakfast. An early one. We were at the 'meal finished and relaxing'
stage.

Quietly sitting there, each of us was thinking our own thoughts.

Me? I was watching the sunrise. Losing myself in the play of light and shadow
as the day started. Watching the horizon as the colors changed.

Reminding myself I live in a beautiful world.

"Your uncle was a selfish asshole.

"So was your aunt. She was worse in a way."

Now that got my full attention. "Huh?"

She nodded.

"Think about it. Bill didn't have a tender bone in his body.

"He cold-bloodedly seduced you that summer. All he wanted to do was fuck
you."

"Now wait a minute." I was a bit heated. "Uncle Bill was a kind person at
heart. He lost control that once and he paid the price. That's all. So did
I."

Martha looked at me through eyes suddenly gone strange.

For just a moment, those beautiful loving, *caring* eyes became twin doorways
into hell.

Then she sighed and they became, once again, the gentle eyes of my wife.

"No.

"He *wasn't* kind and caring.

"He was totally selfish and self-centered. Had he lived, you would have
realized that by now.

"Trust me on that. I just realized it this morning.

"I don't know how come I never saw it before.

"As a woman, I've been on the receiving end of some pretty cold-blooded
seductions. Everthing he did all summer was meant to lead you on and
eventually make you give him what he wanted.

"At eleven you wouldn't have had the experience to know that.

"It's a viewpoint thing. Women are taught to recognize the signals at an
early age. Men seldom see that type of manipulation used on them for sex.

"What he did was one of the coldest seductions I've ever heard of.

"Since you have been treated by men most of the time and they have only your
testimony and no hard facts, they've been looking at his actions as an
aberration.

"They weren't.

"They were perfectly normal for him. After all, it's how most men are taught
to seduce women. Push certain buttons and you get sex. Add a few more lies
and you get a wife.

"Do it long enough and you have a woman who will put up with all the crap a
man gives her and delude herself it's the way it should be."

Her voice is tinged with a bitterness I've seldom heard.

"I can forgive Bill for what he did. It was his nature. He was *taught* to be
that way.

"It's your aunt I loathe and can never forgive.

"She's who I blame for making you the way you are.

"She is the person I feel like going back and killing for causing your
mightmares all these years."

Martha's voice is flat with a chill I've never heard before.

"Tillie *knew* Bill was a pedophile. Knew and did nothing.

"Even when it affected a child close to her, she denied things and stood by
as it happened.

"That kind of denial and self-delusion is unforgivable.

"Sorry Jim. I can never forgive her for what she did to you by neglecting her
responsibilities as a human being."

Martha's voice is cold and her eyes stare into mine.

My gentle, caring wife has become a snake. I try to shake my head in denial.
Break eye contact somehow.

I am frozen by what she has told me.

It makes sense. Too much sense.

Young Jimmy finally realizes what he has denied all his life.

There never was a kind, caring, *loving* Uncle Bill.

There was always just a selfish man who wanted sex with a young innocent boy
so he could fuel his own pleasures.

As my tears start to flow, we reach for each other's hands.

Somehow, I know there will be no more nightmares.

Uncle Bill is dead at last.

Little Jimmy has grown up and Jim knows Bill can never use him again.
----


Shared Strength
Lost Innocence - part 3
by: Stasya T. Canine
----

It has been a month now.

No nightmares.

Martha and I often wake with our arms wrapped around each other.

Eyes open to gaze into each other's souls.

The miracle of waking to her gentle yet urgent hands teasing me to do more.

Bodies melting together as at last we truly share the pleasure of sleeping
together.

No nightmares.

Her touch no longer sends Jimmy screaming in pain. It wakens Jim, her husband
and lover.

No nightmares.

At last, I dare to believe I am free.

As we lie together in shared afterglow, I finally remember my questions. 'How
did she know my nightmare would return to haunt me?'

'What has made her stay through the years of hell I've put her through as a
result?'

Ultimately, I find myself asking...

'What gave her the patience to wait until I was whole?'

Then too, I remember her bitterness the morning she talked about being coldly
seduced.

"Love. Dear sweet ladymine..." My voice is soft.

She snuggles closer.

"Just after we got married... How did you know my nightmares would return?

"And..." Here I hesitate. "What kept you around all these years? Your life
could have been better than the hell it has been."

---

I stiffen.

I've been waiting for Jim to ask me that for years.

Still, the reality of hearing it is hard for me to face.

Sobbing, I turn to him and cling. Automatically, (oh sweet bliss.
automatically!) his strong arms enfold me in their comforting embrace as I
cry into his shoulder.

Through the tears, I can only get out...

"I've been there."

Then I collapse entirely as, for the first time since I met Jim, the memories
overwhelm me.

---

Now it is my turn to stiffen in surprise and shock.

Three simple words

I've. Been. There.

Yet put them together and they have layers of meaning for me.

One stark meaning stands clear.

My gentle, caring, loving, *tender* wife is a survivor.

An abuse survivor.

I never knew. Never even suspected.

In that clear awareness of having finally put my own past behind me, I can
see all the clues I was blind to.

What can I say? What can I do?

That much is obvious. What she has said and done for me these many years.

Gently, I hug her to me.

"Martha.

"My love.

"I'm here.

"It's me.

"Jim."

My voice is soft yet insistent.

Slowly...

Oh so achingly slowly...

I feel her start to relax.

I slowly tighten my embrace. Once I feel her relax into it, I squeeze her
firmly and hold her trembling body close.

"I'm here...

"I'm here..."

I keep repeating my simple words. They are a mantra spoken to give her soul a
lifeline to cling to.

After long minutes, her sobbing stops.

---

I spend long agonized minutes reliving my past. Dimly, I hear Jim's words. In
my mind, they are mixed with those of my brother those many years ago.

They are the same ones *he* used when he would find me after. Or, years
later, he used them when I had one of *my* flashbacks.

Jim's embrace conforts me. Strengthens me. Anchors me with his love.

My tears slowly cease and I relax into his arms. I feel his warm body next to
mine.

It's my Jim this time. Not those others. Not my youngest brother. Jim. The
man I've waited for for all these years. The man whose strength I've hoarded
and then returned to him as he needed it.

Now, anchored by that strength, I pull back to smile at him.

I know I look a tear-stained wreck but it doesn't matter.

Softly, I whisper, "You said 'I'm here.'

"Yet you wonder what made me stay all these years?

"That's what made me stay for you. Your compassion, your strength.

"I put up with Jimmy so I could have Jim."

I untangle my arms from around his body and use my hands to cradle his head.

Ignoring my hair, I bring our lips together and fervently kiss him. Just
feeling his arms around me is arousing. I want to flush the painful memories
away by losing myself in his embrace.

Reluctantly, I pull away and sigh.

"I've wanted you to know for years. I always felt I couldn't burden you with
my past while yours was still with you."

I trail my fingers across his chest in an unspoken promise.

I can't look into his eyes any more.

"It was my father and oldest brother.

"My youngest brother was the one who helped me recover after I left home.

"They used me. He loved me. I never told anyone. Never had therapy.

"It took him three years of patient, gentle loving to bring me back. The real
me. Not the frightened young girl who hated her body.

"The young girl who saw herself as filthy. An object to be used by men to
satisfy thenselves.

"Yes, my father and oldest brother fucked me. Used me without thinking of me
as a person. I was just someone convenient for them to satisfy their urges.

"They thought nothing of raping me when the urge took them.

"I didn't even get the tenderness that Bill used on you.

"When dad found out I had started my periods, he snuck into my room and raped
me. Told me he was teaching me what it was like to be a woman. Teaching me
about sex.

"If mother knew or suspected, she stayed blind to what was going on.

"I moved out as soon as I was of age.

"A year later, Arthur, when he was old enough to leave, came to live with me.
I welcomed him.

"Many times I'd cried in his arms when he found me after one of them had
taken me.

"Sometimes he'd carried me to the bathroom and helped me clean up. Gently
helped me try to wash away the filth I felt.

"How it must have hurt him to hold me and know that I hated sex. Once we were
out of the house and living together, he held me when I woke crying.

"Many times, I would be naked and try to get him to make love to me. I
thought I loved him and wanted to give myself to him.

"He held off for almost a year. Always said the time wasn't right. I wasn't
ready. That I needed to learn more about love.

"What Arthur and I did was technically incest. What it really was, was love.

"He taught me to be a woman. A real woman with wants and needs of her own.

"He spent years patiently teaching me that I was more than a hole. That sex
could be love. That it could be tender. He taught me that I could share my
soul with a man."

---

Finally Martha stops her tale and nestles against me. Her trembling has long
since stopped. All that's left now are her quiet sobs. The tears of release
running down my body to stain the sheet.

I have no words for her. I suffered once. She suffered for years. I can't
begin to imagine what she has learned to live with.

The terrible feelings she must have overcome. I have always known she was a
strong person.

But this?

This goes beyond inner strength to something mystical.

Then I move on to *how* she recovered.

My mind wants to condemn her for her actions with Arthur.

Ruthlessly, I force the conditioning away.

Finally, after a long inner struggle, I begin to accept what they did.
Ultimately, what they did gave me my wife.

I can't reject what they did without rejecting her.

I make a decision. As I make it, it feels right. I know how I would feel if
someone told me Martha wasn't welcome after all she's done for me. I can't
repay her help by rejecting her brother.

"Next time you see Arthur, tell him he is always welcome here. That I thank
him for what he did to help you.

"Martha. Love. Wife. Lover."

I hug her again.

"We're together. We've survived."

---

Wonderingly, I pull away to look in Jim's eyes.

No, there is no condemnation there for what happened.

His acceptance surprises me.

"You would welcome Arthur here? Knowing he was my first love?

"Knowing that he and I share a bond you and I never will?"

His smile is genuine and unforced. "Of course. He took a terrified girl who
had been raped and abused and gave me you.

"Then you gave me back myself.

"I owe him more than I can ever *hope* to repay."

Smiling through my new tears, I kiss Jim again.

This time, we are both crying as we embrace each other.

'Yes.' I think to myself.

'We *are* together.'

'We *have* survived.'
----

Stasya T. Canine
March 1-3, 1997
__________________
Immortality has a price:  We get to live with our memories.
    From: World of Immortals - Awakening  by: Stasya T. Canine 

-- 
Pursuant to the Berne Convention, this work is copyright with all rights
reserved by its author unless explicitly indicated.
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