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From: "Stasya T. Canine" <stasyatk9@juno.MUNGED.com>
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Subject: {ASSM} "It Isn't Always Women" (MF, 'Monsters', 'Written for Alexis')  Stasya T. Canine
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Date: Wed, 04 Jun 2008 06:10:02 -0400
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Released to the public domain. 

Ya know, really, all things considered, there are only three codes that fit
this one:

'MF', 'Monsters'...

and 'Written for Alexis'

--

It Isn't Always Women
Part the First
-----

We were snuggled, relaxed in the afterglow when Mary touched my chest and
trailed her finger slowly upwards until she reached the base of my throat.

I shivered...  "No...   No...  Not that...  Please, not that..."

I jerked away from her touch, rolled until I faced away from her and curled
into a sobbing ball.  "No..."

Images flashed through my head.  I was lost.  *SHE* was back.  I thought...

Hands touched me lightly.  "NO!  ANYTHING ELSE!  DON'T DO THAT!!"

I jerked myself into a tighter ball and shook, whispering through my tears.
"Please.  Please...  No.  Not that.  Not again..."

"Nooooo..."

Darkness.

Comforting.  Clean.  An end to the pain.

I rejoiced when I passed out.

* * *

Light.

Alone.

I closed my eyes as pain washed through me.  "Crap!"

Every muscle I had ached.  

Memory returned.

"Oh.  Shit."  It was a whisper of realization.  It was followed by something
else.

"Mary?"

"I'm here."

I sighed.  "I guess you want an explanation?"

"I think I earned one, if you can talk about it."

"Yeah, I guess you have."  I tested the edges of the darkness and pain that
lurked just below the surface.  'Maybe.'  I wasn't sure...

Wait.

"If I can?"

I opened my eyes and searched the room.  Mary was settled on the edge of a
chair next to the bed, and watching me.  Her hands were in sight, in her lap
and clenched together.

When she realized I was staring at her hands with all the fascination of a
mouse staring at the fangs of a snake she sighed and carefully leaned
backwards, removing any hint of threat.

It was only then that I realized she was still naked.  I could see the trail
my semen had left as it oozed down her legs.  Her breasts glistened with
moisture tracks and I puzzled at it until my scan reached her face.

I knew.

She'd been crying.

I wanted to reach.

I wanted to comfort her.

I couldn't.

There was something in her eyes when they met mine.  "If you can.  You NEED
to."  She ducked her head and the tears flowed.

I barely heard the words she whispered next.  "I didn't know men could be
raped by women."

She knew?

"How?..."

Her head stayed down.  "You whimpered in your sleep.  I tried to touch you,
ease your pain..."  One of her hands came up and shifted her hair away from
the side of her face.

I froze.  "OhMyGod."

I'd hit her.

Hard.

"Mary.  I'm sorry..."

"I know."  She took a deep breath and managed to raise her head.  The smile
was faint, but it was there.  "You took me by surprise."

Yeah.  She had that right.  She was a black belt in some esoteric form of
controlled mayhem.  How I'd managed to get a shot in, blindly...  

Oh.  Yeah.  I nodded.  "The 'L' word?"

"Yes."

She turned her head away and stared out the window.  It seemed like an
eternity but I guess, looking back, it was only a few minutes.

"Chris?"

"Yeah?"

She turned back to face me, then used the back of her hand to wipe some of
her tears away.  "Remember the question you asked me last night?"

I winced and nodded carefully, then sighed.  "I guess you're ready to
answer?"  I expected this was it, the polite 'We'll still be friends' that we
both would know meant  'No.  I can't deal with THIS, goodbye.'

"Yes.  And...  Yes."

I was stunned.  I'd asked her to become my wife.  Arrogantly, I'd never
mentioned my past, thinking it was finally behind me.  How could I have known
she'd use the one gesture that?...  

I shut my thinking off.  

Hastily.  

I didn't want to go there.

Not yet.

Not ever again but I knew the journey would always be there.

Lurking.

Waiting.

Always ready to ambush me.

I shuddered and wrapped my arms around myself, trying to hold back all of it.
When the shivering subsided I rolled onto my back and thought about it all,
and what it meant.

"Mary?  'Yes'--even though it's obvious that I lied to you?"

"You didn't tell me everything.  There's a difference."

"Maybe.  I'm not the man I should be, the one you think I am.  I'm not the
person I show to the world.  He's a lie.  I live a lie."

"Chris?  Look at me?  Please?"

I turned my head slightly.  Mary nodded.  "Good.  Now watch me.  Carefully.
OK?"

"Yeah.  I can do that."

I don't know how she did it but she managed to slide off that chair and stand
up without ever managing to appear like she was going to approach me.

Something in me appreciated that ability to be non threatening.

Then she did one of those things people like her do, moving around, throwing
mock punches, pretending to kick people, that sort of thing.

She flowed from frozen moment to frozen moment until, panting, she let out a
shout of vicious satisfaction and stamped the floor, hard.

She stood there, frozen in what looked like a pose of triumph.  Suddenly she
relaxed and did something she called 'refinding her center'.  Once that was
done she returned to the chair and I watched while her breathing returned to
normal.

"I needed that."

I couldn't stop my chuckle.  "Looked like it.  I've never seen that routine
before."

She quirked her lips slightly and sighed.

'What was she so bitter about?'

"What did you see?"

It was a familiar game.  She do one of her routines while I watched, and then
I'd tell her what I'd seen.  She'd never hidden that she was teaching me to
see past my own emotions and see people as they were, not as I thought they
were.

I thought about it.

"Snapshots.  Violent.  No, more than that..."  I looked at her in surprise.
"Mary..."

I shivered.  Then, tentatively.  "I never, never, want to get you angry with
me.  That routine was vicious, and you..."   I froze and stared at her.  "You
enjoyed it."

She looked away and cried.  "Still want to marry me?"

"I don't understand."

"No.  I guess you wouldn't."  She was still looking away, still crying.  I
wanted to comfort her, but somehow I couldn't make myself get out of the bed
and go to her.

I even knew why I couldn't help her.  Fear.  Unreasoning emotional fear that
Mary was another HER.

Still...  "Mary?"

"Yes, Chris?"

"I want to help, but I can't..."  I shuddered and forced the words out.
"Memories of HER won't let me reach out, not right now."

And, finally...   I clenched my teeth and fought back the unreasoning fear.
"Help me?"

The silence lasted a long time.  Eventually she turned to face me.  "Of
course I'll help you."

I nodded warily.

She smiled and became the Mary I'd fallen in love with.  I wasn't sure, but I
thought her smile still had some of the viciousness I'd seen in her routine.

"You saw exactly what was in my kata.  Except...

"It wasn't really a kata.  It was a re-enactment of reality.  I was
remembering every move I made, every emotion I felt while I killed the man
who raped me...

"When he tried it again ten years later."

I goggled at her.  "Killed?"  Then it hit me  Mary had been raped.

"You're a victim!  Like me!"

She shook her head.  "No, Chris.  I'm not a victim.  I'm a survivor, like you
are."

She paused and looked at me.  "May I touch you?"

'May.'  I clung to that.  SHE'd never asked my permission.  I nodded my
assent and Mary came over to settle on the bed next to me.  When her hands
touched my back I shivered in fear and she paused until the tremors stopped.

She started slowly massaging me and I felt myself start to relax.  I hated to
think about what I must have smelled like but she never said a word.

Finally she bent her head and kissed my neck lightly, on the only visible
scar from my past.

That was all it took.  My emotions let go.  This was Mary.  She cared.  I was
Chris, not...

"I'm Chris.  I'm not a victim."

Mary kept one hand in contact with my body while she slid herself onto the
bed and pulled me into a hug, wrapping her arms and legs around me while I
cried myself to sleep.
------

Afterword:

If there's only one thing you remember about this story, I hope it's the
following paragraph:

-
She shook her head.  "No, Chris.  I'm not a victim.  I'm a survivor, like you
are."
-

"Live well, and be the person you are meant to be."

Stasya T. Canine -- "Survivor."
----

"Oh, how fickle lust can be.
    The drifting passion of the moment, that arrives on the tides,  
  then drifts away like foam, its energy spent in a sterile caressing of the
sand."
--
----

"Oh, how fickle lust can be.
    The drifting passion of the moment, that arrives on the tides,  
  then drifts away like foam, its energy spent in a sterile caressing of the sand."
--

-- 
Pursuant to the Berne Convention, this work is copyright with all rights
reserved by its author unless explicitly indicated.
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