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From: rache <rache696@yahoo.com>
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Subject: {ASSM} Reason Until After (pt.1) by Rachael Ross (fff/m, teen, romance, reluctant, oral, cd, cheerleaders angst)
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Date: Sun, 01 Jun 2008 05:10:03 -0400
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Reason Until After
copyright 2008 Rachael Ross for BFG Productions in association with
Severe Discipline LTD http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/rache/www/index.htm
rache696@yahoo.com All rights reserved. Adults only.
Story Codes: fff/m, teen, romance, reluctant, oral, cd, cheerleaders,
and angst, lots and lots of angst
Synopsis: Ashley is sixteen and when the quarterback of the football
team falls in love with him, everyone assumes the boy is gay. This
would be bad if it didn't suddenly bring Ashley to the attention of
the three hottest girls in school, cheerleaders determined to teach
him all about life, love, and a little thing they like to call "girl
fun"...What could possibly be wrong with that?

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

Reason Until After
by
rache

Part One



Dan was the new kid at school. Every year we had one or two, just like
we lost a few. This year, when I was just turned sixteen, Dan showed
up. He was almost eighteen and a senior and so I didn't pay him much
mind at first. I was a sophomore and I had my own friends and
completely different classes than he did.

"You seen that new guy, Ashley?" my best friend Roger asked, sitting
down next to me at lunch.

"Yeah, I saw him," I shrugged.

"He's big, ain't he?" Roger was a small kid, so he noticed stuff like
that I guess. I was small too, but I tried to ignore it.

"Yeah, maybe," I bit into my sandwich and made a face. "He's a senior
anyway, what do you expect?"

"I dunno," Roger looked at me.

"What?" I rubbed my nose, wondering if I had peanut butter on it or
something. I didn't really like that stuff.

"He was askin' about you."

"Who? The new guy?" I frowned a little, for no real reason except I
didn't understand what my friend was talking about.

"Yeah," Roger nodded, "his locker's close to mine."

"So what does that mean?" I wondered.

"I dunno, he was just askin' who you are," Roger said. "You piss him
off or something?"

"No. Probably got me confused with somebody else," I took another
bite, talking around it. "What would he want to know about me for?"

"Beats me," Roger shrugged and we were quiet for a couple minutes,
just eating.

"Hey..." Roger jerked his head, "...There he is."

I looked over my shoulder and sure enough, there was Dan walking into
the cafeteria on his third day of school. Over six feet tall and
muscular, naturally big that way, with a good looking face, I guess. I
didn't really care, except I'd overheard some of the girls talking
about him already, with their silly ooh's and ahh's and all that. He
was healthy, yeah, probably gonna be on the football team, or
wrestling maybe. Heck, tall as Dan was he probably played basketball
too. One of those all-around athletes. I hated those guys.

Roger and I both watched as Dan looked around and then he spotted us
and started walking over. That was pretty weird. Seniors didn't sit
with anybody but other seniors, usually, or maybe their younger
girlfriends if they had one, and for sure a jock like Dan didn't sit
with anyone like us. I wasn't a geek or anything, but I wasn't
sleeping with a football under my pillow at night either. I didn't
even like football.

"Hi there," Dan said and he was looking at me, standing close enough
so I had to turn my face upwards to see his smile.

"What's up?" I shrugged and Roger just sat back, kind of narrowing his
eyes cause he was confused too.

"You are," Dan chuckled and I had no idea what that meant. "Can I sit
down with you guys?"

He didn't wait for an answer, Dan just pulled out the chair next to
mine and turned it slightly, not much, but enough so that when he sat
down he was facing me more than anyone else.

"So how do you like the school, uh, Dan?" Roger asked just to say
something normal, probably.

"I like it a lot," Dan said, "more and more all the time. What's your
name?"

"Mine?" I asked and he nodded. "Ash...Uh, Ashley Collins."

"Cool," Dan took a little breath and licked his lips. "You're
seriously cute, Ashley. You know that?"

"What?" I stared at him and across from us Roger made a sort of
squeaking sound.

"Yeah, you're a babe," Dan smiled and his dad must have been a dentist
cause that guy had perfect teeth.

"I...Gotta get going," Roger chickened out, standing up and leaving
fast. I was about to do the same.

"What does that mean?" I asked the guy and my face was turning a
little red.

I'd been called cute before, and even pretty by some of my older
aunts, but never a babe. I was small, yeah, slender and not very tall.
I wore my blonde hair too long probably, well past my collar, but
everyone said it looked good that way and I didn't mind. I had a lot
of my mom in me, as anyone could tell, like her bright blue eyes and
delicate features. I never thought of myself as feminine though, just
a boy with a pretty face, like that actor, Orlando Bloom. I bet nobody
called him a babe just because he was pretty and nobody had ever
mistaken me for a girl.

"You wanna go out with me? This Friday night?" Dan asked like it was
the most natural thing in the world. "I heard about a party some of
the cheerleaders are having. It'll be fun."

"You're joking right?" I looked around expecting to see a bunch of
seniors laughing at me, but nobody knew what we were talking about.
Not yet anyway.

"No way," Dan shook his head and his hazel eyes were locked on mine.
"I just really want to take you out."

"I'm a guy," I snorted. "I don't know what you're thinking, but...This
is pretty weird."

"Don't go yet," Dan put his left hand on my right knee as I started
getting my stuff together so I could take off.

"Hey..." I frowned at him because that hand was big and strong, and he
was squeezing my thigh more than my knee all of a sudden.

"It's alright, Ash," Dan smiled. "I know you're nervous, but you don't
have to be."

"What?" I was burning up then with a quality mix of anger and
humiliation.

"Here, like this..." Dan said and before I could do or say anything, the
bigger boy just leaned close and kissed me softly on the lips.

I stared at him for about two seconds.

"Get the fuck away!" I breathed, but I thought I was shouting.

I jerked back like he'd slapped me and Dan let me go. I didn't even
pick up my lunch, just my books, and practically ran out of there with
about sixty kids watching me and whispering and wondering at what
they'd just witnessed.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

"I heard you were making out with that new guy," Reese was saying and
I almost hit him, except he wasn't alone.

"I didn't know you're a fag, Collins," Frank laughed. "You do all the
other stuff too?"

"Yeah, are you a dick sucker, Ashley?" Larry grinned, they all did,
like they were the three stooges.

"Shut-up!" I said loudly, enough so that Mr. Turner, our math teacher,
looked up from his desk with a frown.

I hung my head in shame, as much as anything else, wondering how I was
supposed to explain that all I'd done was sit there. That Dan guy, he
was the faggot. He'd kissed me! In the middle of the cafeteria, like
it was no big deal. He had to be crazy! Now the school thought we were
making out? That was insane too! My heart was going a thousand miles
an hour and my head was spinning. I didn't know what was going on or
why, or most especially how I was gonna get out of it, but there had
to be a way.

Half an hour later I was making my way to my next class, English, and
feeling extremely self-conscious. I was sure everyone was staring at
me. Everyone was whispering about me, I thought, and about what Dan
had done in the cafeteria. Everytime someone laughed I felt the fire
in my face and I was too afraid to look and see if they were really
laughing at me or just at something else.

"Hi Ashley!" Sonja, the absolute hottest girl in school smiled at me.

She didn't even know I existed and now Sonja was standing there with
two of her senior cheerleader friends and they were all smiles too. So
I was smiling back. I couldn't help it. I jerked off thinking about
Sonja every other night. I tried to reply, but it's hard talking when
your lungs don't work. I had to remember just to breathe.

"Hi Ashley," Petra, the girl I thought about most other nights, was
smiling at me too. "I just wanted to say I think you're really cool."

"You...Do?" I swallowed hard and the dark haired girl nodded happily,
her soft brown eyes looking right at me.

"Oh yeah, we all do!" Sonja answered for her friend and she was tall
and light, like the way angels are made out of light. Pale and blonde
and glowing with ethereal beauty. God!

"That was so brave, kissing your boyfriend like that today!" the third
girl said.

Her name was Tori and that girl was obnoxiously cute and I usually
woke up thinking about her, ramming my morning erection into her tight
little pussy while I made her spell my name backwards. Petite, sexy,
red-headed Tori was all the coffee a sixteen year old boy needed to
get his day started, believe me, even if it was all in my head.

"W-What?" I felt the blood draining from my face with a soft slurping
sound.

"Yeah, that was so sweet!" Sonja nodded.

"You guys make a great couple," Petra added. "Dan's hot!"

"And you're so cute, Ashley," Sonja said. "You're perfect for each
other."

"Don't let anyone give you a hard time for it, okay?" Tori touched my
arm and I almost jumped out of my shoes. "It was the coolest thing I
ever saw."

"The hottest you mean!" Petra licked her lips slowly and I stared at
her tongue. "Way hot!"

"Be nice..." Sonja giggled, "...Come on, we have to go. See ya later,
Ashley!"

"Bye Ashley!" Petra wiggled her fingers at me.

"Bye-bye, Ashley!" Tori spun around, walking backwards, "Oh, I almost
forgot, I'm having a little party on Friday. If you guys want to come,
I mean, that would be awesome. I told Dan about it already."

"Uh..." my mind wasn't working at all.

"Just let me know! See ya!" she said, turning back to catch up with
her friends.

The three girls were laughing and glancing over their shoulders at me,
ignoring the dozens of teenage boys who were anxiously watching their
every move. They only had eyes for me, Sonja and her two friends, and
I should have been happy, but I wasn't. They thought I was gay? That
I'd come out of the closet and they were proud of me? Petra thought
two guys kissing was...Hot? The world was spinning out of control, it
seemed to me, and as if to prove it I was suddenly engulfed by Dan's
large shadow.

"Hey, Ashley," he practically sighed, leaning against the lockers,
making me feel almost cornered.

"Are you crazy?" I couldn't help myself. "People think I'm gay! Some
guys in math class asked me if I sucked..." I blinked, lowering my voice
because people were staring, "...They asked me stuff."

"Ah, who cares about them?" Dan laughed and Jesus, he had a deep
voice.

"I do, you idiot!" I stared at him and if this guy was gonna kick my
ass, well, alright. At least people would know I wasn't a faggot.

"I don't..." Dan leaned close and I shrank away from him, clutching my
history book to my chest like a shield. "...All I care about is you."

"Then leave me alone!" I rolled my eyes, slamming my locker shut and
walking away quickly, giving him one last dirty look over my shoulder.

"Playing hard to get?" a chubby girl named Mary giggled and I glared
at her.

"A lover's quarrel," Georgia grinned at her friend.

"God, he's so handsome though!" Mary took a happy breath, making her
chubby tits swell up. She tended to do that sort of thing a lot.

"Ashley's seriously cute too," Georgia decided and I was burning up
again, like I needed Smoky the Bear to come hose me down.

"Yeah, but he's pretty," Mary looked at me like I was a television.
"Not handsome."

"You guys shut-up," I closed my eyes and I'd known Mary and Georgia
since kindergarten. They'd been chubby then too.

"Sensitive!" Mary giggled.

"I heard that about boys like him," Georgia nodded seriously.

"Pretty boys?" Mary wondered.

"No, silly!" Georgia wrinkled her nose. "Gay boys!"

"Thanks," I said under my breath, since Georgia had gone ahead and
spoken loudly enough for the kids all the way down the hall to hear.

This was a nightmare.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

"So, hey, uh..." Roger was walking home with me, like we did everyday.

"What?" I asked sullenly, looking down and wondering what I was gonna
do. What I'd done to get into this mess.

"...Are you really, you know, gay?" Roger cleared his throat and I gave
him a withering look. "I mean if you are, well, it's cool. We can
still be friends and all, but, I'm not, uh..."

"Shut-up," I told him in the most sarcastic voice I could.

"I'm just saying, you know..."

"I said shut-up already!" I stared at my best friend. "Fuck! I'm not
gay, alright?"

"Fine, yeah," Roger swallowed hard cause I only used the F word when I
was really mad. "Whatever you say, Ashley. Sure."

"I don't know what's wrong with that guy," I said, mostly to myself.
"He kissed me."

"Yeah, he sure did," Roger grinned and I hadn't meant to say that out
loud.

"Shut-up," I looked down.

We walked in silence for awhile, cause it was about a mile to our
houses, but not quite. If you lived a mile away you rode the school
bus, we were only like nine tenths of a mile and that sucked in the
winter, but for now it wasn't bad. We were having a nice indian summer
and the walk was giving me plenty of time to think anyway, except I
didn't know what I was supposed to think.

"Hey," Roger said.

"What?"

"What was it like, anyway?"

"What was what like?" I asked him.

"Uh, being kissed," he said and I gave him a real dirty look. "I don't
mean anything, just...I've never been kissed by anybody."

"You want a boy to kiss you?" I stared at him.

"No!" he laughed nervously. "I just wondered, you know? Nobody ever
wanted to kiss me."

His voice had a plaintive quality to it, even though Roger tried to
hide it. I knew him pretty good, since we'd been best friends forever
anyway, and Roger had sort of a self-esteem problem. I did too
obviously, but for different reasons. Every teenager does probably. I
just mean Roger sounded lonely right then. I was sure he didn't want
another boy to kiss him, who would? But Roger probably wished someone
would have that kind of interest in him, anyone, cause people need
that stuff.

I didn't have an answer though, so we just walked. It made me wonder
what else I was feeling. I was angry and embarrassed, even offended,
but how much of that was just because I was supposed to be? I have a
tendency to think about stuff too much. It's why me and Roger got
along so good. Neither of us were really outgoing, so we tended to
look inward. Or at least I did.

How did that kiss feel? That was a good question and I had no idea. I
didn't really remember it, for one thing. I mean I remembered it, but
I didn't, you know? I was suddenly worried that some part of me had
liked it and all my anger was just for show. I didn't want to like it
all and it was that fear that affected more than anything else. That
self-doubt.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

"Mmmm..." I sighed as Sonja's lithe body molded itself to mine. Her
perfect breasts were rubbing my chest. Those nipples of hers, swollen
and pink, were sliding back and forth across my skin and her legs
straddled my hips.

Sonja's pussy was hot and tight and wet. The walls of her sex gripped
my cock like a fist, pulling at me as she pushed herself down with a
breathless giggle. I could hear her voice in my ear, telling me how
good I felt inside her. How she'd been waiting since third grade for
me to fuck her and take the cherry she'd been saving just for me.

I thrust into the girl eagerly, holding her sweet round ass in my
hands, digging my fingers into her firm cheeks and making Sonja gasp
and shiver. My cock ached with desire. My balls tightened, drawing
their strength from my gut so that I had to arch my back against my
impending orgasm. I was going to cum inside her. I was going to flood
the girl of my dreams with my hot cum. I was going to...

"Ashley?" mom's voice came through the door and then it was opening.

"Ohhh...Uh..." I rolled over quickly, letting go of my morning erection
and trying to catch my breath. I'd been holding it as I came closer to
the climax of my morning ritual.

"Hey sleepyhead, time to get up," mom said and I just waved at her.

"I'm...Up..." I agreed and when I heard the door click shut again, I
rolled over onto my back and stared up at the ceiling. "Shoot."

"Morning, champ," my dad said and he was almost finished with his
coffee, ready for another day at the office.

"Morning," I sat down and started filling a bowl with cereal, Captain
Crunch today, with crunchberries.

"Hey, have you met a new boy at school?" my dad asked.

"What?" I froze for a second and my first thought was that somehow my
dad knew what had happened.

"I think his name's Dan, have you met him?" dad drank the last of his
coffee. "Steve was telling me yesterday that he has a son in high
school and..."

"Steve?" my mom interrupted, setting a glass of juice in front of me.

"Steve Staley," dad nodded. "The new guy at the office I was telling
you about."

"Oh, the one from Pittsburgh? He has a son? That's nice," mom smiled.
"Have you met him Ashley?"

"Uh, yeah, I've...Seen him. I guess," I admitted slowly, pouring some
milk into my bowl.

"Maybe you could make friends with the boy," mom suggested. "It must
be awfully hard moving like that. He's probably lonely."

"I was thinking we could invite Steve and his family over for a little
barbecue," dad said. "Before it gets too cold for it."

"That would be fun," mom agreed. "Maybe this weekend."

"Sure, I'll ask him," dad was nodding and I was just listening, not
wanting to eat my breakfast at all.

"Finish your cereal, Ashley," mom chided me. "You're too thin."

"Hmmm..." my dad was standing up and he gave me a little look.

He didn't mean to, I knew that, but my dad had been big on sports as a
kid. Big all around, like Dan, and he'd married a cheerleader in my
mom. I knew he was waiting for me to tell him I was going out for
football or basketball, or something. Just like he was waiting for me
to gain fifty pounds of muscle and six more inches of height. The odds
of any of that happening though were pretty small. I'd had my growth
spurt and it had lasted about three days, but dad didn't actually say
anything out loud. He didn't have to, it was in his eyes.

"Okay, I'm off for work," dad said, giving mom a kiss. "See ya later,
buddy."

"Bye, dad," I watched him leave with a little frown on my face.

"What's wrong?" mom asked me and I shook my head quickly.

"Nothing," I lied. "I just remembered some homework I forgot to do."

"Homework?" mom sighed. "Well, it's too late now. You're going to be
late for school as it is."

That was fine with me, I thought. In fact, it would be pretty okay if
I never went back to school. I could already imagine what the kids
would be talking about today. They'd had all yesterday afternoon to
spread the news, by the time homeroom was over this morning, everyone
would know Dan had kissed me. And my dad worked with his dad? They
were coming over for a barbecue this weekend? Great.

What did I do? I wondered, but God didn't answer. He never did.

"Where you been?" Roger asked me and he was waiting for me in the
usual spot, since he lived a block closer to school than I did.

"Eating breakfast," I shrugged.

"Yeah, well, I hope it was good. We gotta walk fast now," he said and
that was the last thing I wanted to do.

We got to school just as the first bell was ringing and that was cool.
It meant everyone was too busy getting to class to worry about teasing
me. It was gonna happen though. In high school the basic rule of
survival is to be the same as everyone else; keep a low profile, dress
like everyone else, and avoid doing anything that would mark you as
different. If you broke the rule, the other kids would make you pay
dearly for it. So I was fully expecting trouble.

Our school had bullies, like any other school does, and they were
always looking for an easy mark. The worst one was a guy named Billy
Felder, a senior and not real big, but just mean. He was smart too,
for a bully. The stereotype is big and dumb, but unfortunately that
isn't always the case. He liked to bully people with words in the
beginning, and then once you were really mad and humiliated and ready
lose your temper, he'd go ahead and give you a shove and look for a
real fight. Him and his friends, I mean. Bullies never fight fair for
some reason.

That's why I wasn't surprised when I heard Felder's voice between
classes, coming from behind me while I got some books out of my
locker.

"Hey faggot, where's your boyfriend?" he started and I just closed my
eyes, knowing Billy was just getting warmed up. He had a couple
friends with him too, laughing and ready to urge Felder on, as if he'd
need it.

"Leave me alone," I said, knowing it was useless, but I had to follow
traditional custom.

"Guess you really are a faggot, huh?" Felder laughed. "You answered up
quick, Assley."

I knew then that I shouldn't have said anything, but it was too late
and I just shuffled notebooks in and out of my locker, not wanting to
turn around.

"Assley! That's a good one, Billy," one of his friends said, like I
hadn't heard it a thousand times since third grade.

"What color panties you wearing today?" Felder tried and when I didn't
answer right away, his other friend spoke up.

"Maybe we should take a look!"

"Maybe," Felder agreed and by now I could see a small crowd of
students gathering around us like vultures. Or hyenas maybe, take your
pick, since they were looking for a laugh. "How about it, fag boy, you
want us to pull down your pants, or are you gonna tell us?"

"Here's a better question," I heard Dan's unmistakable voice and I did
turn around then, "do you want me to kick your ass right now, or after
school?"

"What?" Billy hadn't expected to see Dan coming to rescue me, but
maybe he should have.

"Make up your mind, bitch," Dan shoved Billy's chest with a big hand,
pushing the other kid back a couple steps.

"We were just having a little fun with him," Felder said and he
glanced at his friends, but they didn't look too sure of themselves at
all. Picking on me was a little different than picking on a guy like
Dan.

"I asked you a question, shithead," Dan shoved him again and Bill's
face was getting red as he took another step back, almost losing his
balance.

"It's okay..." I said weakly, just wanting this whole thing to go away,
but Dan was busy staring at Felder.

"I don't wanna fight you," Billy admitted unhappily, because that's
the last thing a bully ever wants to say.

"That's too bad," Dan said, "cause you have to now."

Nobody saw that punch coming, Billy Felder least of all, and there was
just a sickening smack when Dan's right fist hit the boy hard in the
center of his face. He dropped like a rock, literally, like his legs
just folded and then Billy was sitting on his ass, dazed and bleeding
all over his t-shirt. It was probably the first real fight I'd ever
seen, and the shortest. Nobody was going to forget it and now the
school really had something to talk about.

"Hey," Dan was putting his hand on my shoulder, "are you okay, Ash?"

"What? Yeah..." I felt numb.

"Let me carry your stuff," he said and I was only dimly aware of it
when Dan took my books out my hands.

The other kids were watching and whispering. There were some giggles
and laughs, but mostly people just got out of our way. I saw Sonja was
there, along with Petra and Tori, and all three of those girls gave me
big smiles. I knew they were impressed, but what girl wouldn't be? Dan
had shown up like a knight in shining armor and slain the dragon. It
sounds overdramatic, and of course it is, but that's what being a
teenager is like.

"I don't want anyone giving you a hard time," Dan was saying and he
had his left arm around my waist. "I'm not going to let anyone hurt
you, okay?"

"Yeah," I said, but I didn't know what we were doing.

Nobody had ever stuck up for me before. Not like that. That's what I
was thinking about more than anything else and I just didn't know what
I was supposed to say or do. I didn't know why Dan would do that, how
he could be so unafraid. Yeah, he was big, but there'd been three of
them and Dan hadn't cared at all. He hadn't hesitated to come help me
and now he was carrying my books, walking me to my class in front of
everyone. Didn't he care what people would think?

"Is this your class?" Dan asked and I nodded. "Here..." he gave me my
books.

"Thanks," I said and I had a hard time just getting that word out. I
was burning up, feeling incredibly embarrassed by all this. Being
saved like that just made it all worse somehow, like even more than
that little kiss, this was something serious.

"Ashley..." Dan's fingertips lifted my chin so that I had to look up at
his face.

"What?" I asked him, blinking rapidly while the boy just looked at me
for a long second.

"Yeah," he smiled. "You're fine. I'll see you later, okay?"

Dan let me go then, turning around and going to his own class. He left
me standing there, with kids passing by and looking at me. I shivered
with goosebumps breaking out on my arms and then went quickly inside
the classroom to find my seat. I honestly had no clue what I was
feeling right then.

"That was so cool, man," a kid named Joey was saying and it was
science class, so people did a lot of talking in there anyway, at
least during labs.

"He really likes you, huh?" another boy asked me and I just shrugged
and concentrated on drawing the little amoeba thing I was looking at
in the microscope.

"I bet nobody ever calls you a faggot again," Roger said, sounding
almost envious. He was my lab partner and he kept his voice down,
thank God. I didn't know what to say to any of that.

My friend was right though, nobody called me a faggot, at least not to
my face. That was pretty okay with me, but on the other hand, a lot of
people seemed to be avoiding me entirely. Not running away or
anything, but just keeping a little distance; that could have just
been my imagination too. I'd never had a whole lot of friends really,
but I'd gotten along and knew everyone. It felt like everything was
different now though, probably because I felt different myself.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

By lunchtime I'd almost figured out what was going on. I'd spent three
hours in three different classes trying to sort out my feelings. I'd
pretty much decided that I was still angry about being kissed, sort of
happy about Dan punching Felder in the face, and pretty embarrassed by
all of it. Dan's attention was flattering, and that seemed like a good
word, and it was nice to have a friend, especially since he was the
biggest kid in school. I appreciated that...But I resented being treated
like a girlfriend. I didn't like the way he looked at me, or touched
me, and I remembered walking down the hall with Dan's arm around my
waist, my hip rubbing his thigh, and it totally humiliated me.

"Ashley!"

I turned my head at the sound of a girl's voice calling my name and it
was Petra, waving at me. She was in the cafeteria with Sonja and Tori,
and they were having lunch with three other girls, all seniors, all
cheerleaders, and all beautiful to me.

"Hey Ashley, come sit with us," Sonja said and the six girls had
already made room for me at their table, which sat in the center of
the cafeteria because everyone else in that school revolved around
them.

"Uh..." I stood there looking stupid because Roger was waiting for me at
our usual table and I was supposed to sit with him. Another reason I
hesitated might have been simply that stuff like this wasn't supposed
to happen unless it was a joke, and I knew they were serious. I just
didn't know why.

Luckily, or perhaps unluckily, my decision was made for me when Dan
showed up.

"Hi Ashley," he said in a gentle voice. "Let's sit over here."

"Awww..." Tori gave us a mock pout and that was her special power, I
think. The earth wobbled a little under my feet.

"He wants to sit with his boyfriend today," Sonja shrugged and her
friends giggled and I was soon finding myself having lunch with Dan
and half the football team.

I expected some of those guys to say something, or get up in protest
maybe, but they didn't. They just ignored me, greeting Dan like
everything was totally normal. They were the school jocks, of course,
generally larger than everyone else, louder too, and not incredibly
intelligent. They talked about sports, cars, and girls, and so far as
I could tell there didn't seem to be a whole lot of difference between
the three for those guys.

Roger gave me a dirty look and I gave him a little shrug, like what
was I gonna do? I had to talk to Dan, that was the reason I'd let him
pull me towards his friends. I had to find a way to explain stuff, but
I quickly realized that whatever I was going to say to the boy, I
couldn't say it in front of those guys! I was afraid to even open my
mouth, like it would break the spell that was making me invisible. If
I said something those guys would notice me, like ten football players
suddenly realizing that a skinny little sophomore geek was sitting at
their table.

I'd be dog food! So I quickly decided to be small and quiet and eat my
Fritos. I could apologize to Roger later.

Dan didn't have that problem. He talked with his friends and sat close
to me with our molded plastic chairs practically touching. He ate with
his left hand and kept his right arm behind me and I wondered how he
could be so relaxed. After a couple minutes I felt his fingertips
tickling my back and I just burned, looking down and feeling my heart
racing. It was getting close to fight or flight time and the
adrenaline was making me shake a little.

"We'll be there," Dan was saying. "Won't we, Ashley? What time should
I pick you up?"

"What?" I swallowed hard and at first I hadn't realized he was talking
to me.

"The party," Dan smiled into my eyes. "Tomorrow night, remember?"

"Oh," I nodded, but only because I did remember, not because I wanted
to go.

"About seven, okay?" Dan asked and his friends were looking at me.

"Look, um, I think we need to talk first," I said. "Just me and you
and..."

"Sure, we can talk, baby," Dan said and I blanched at the word. "I'll
give you a ride home after school, alright?"

"I think your girlfriend's a little shy," one of the guys said and I
dropped my head in shame as they all laughed.

"Yeah, a little," Dan agreed with a smile and he went ahead and
pressed his hand to my side, kind of pulling me against him
possessively. "He'll get over it though."

"Must be a virgin," another guy said and they all thought that was
real funny. I pretty much wanted to move to China.

Whatever those guys thought about Dan having a boyfriend, I guessed
they were alright with it, so long as I was a girlfriend. Dan hadn't
really corrected his friend and the other guys hadn't cared, but I
wished they had. If the other jocks had given Dan a hard time about
being queer maybe he'd change his mind. He'd have to, I thought.
Nobody wants to go through high school friendless and outcast. That
was what confused me most however, the fact that Dan wasn't being
teased by his friends. They acted like it was perfectly normal, just
like Sonja and her friends thought it was pretty cool.

It made me wonder if there was something wrong with me for not liking
it.

After lunch was finished, and I'd barely eaten half of mine, Dan
walked me out of the cafeteria. Like held my hand, you know? I wanted
to jerk away from him and I felt like a caged animal, being held like
that in front of the entire school. He walked me all the way back to
my locker and I found myself leaning against it, facing him as the
much bigger boy spread his arms, pressing his palms to the wall on
either side of me. I really was trapped then, no doubt about it.

"I'll be waiting for you outside after school, okay?" he said. "You
can show me where you live."

"Don't you have football practice?" I asked. "Or something?"

"I can be a little late," he shrugged. "Coach will understand."

"He will?" I had no idea what that meant.

"You don't have to be scared, Ashley," Dan said.

"I'm not," I lied. "But I'm not...Gay."

"Me neither," Dan grinned at me and before I could ask him what that
meant, he was kissing me.

Not a little kiss like our first one, this was different. His mouth
was on mine before I knew what was happening and he didn't draw back
right away either. I felt his tongue slipping between my lips for the
longest three seconds of my life. The tip of Dan's tongue found mine
and he gave it a little wiggle, and then it was over. I hadn't done
anything at all to stop him.

"All right, break it up you two," a man's voice made me jump. "None of
that around here."

"Sorry, Mr. Peters," Dan said and it was one of the math teachers, the
one who taught juniors and seniors, so I didn't really know him.

He didn't say anything else and I didn't look at the man, so I don't
think Mr. Peters even realized I was a boy. He would have said
something for sure if he'd known it was me. Two boys couldn't kiss in
school, it was ridiculous. Most people would think it was sick and
perverted. Maybe in San Francisco or New York City a boy could be
openly gay and get away with it, but here? No way!

Except it was happening.

"You taste good," Dan said after Mr. Peters was gone. The teacher
hadn't even slowed down.

"Please, look, I'm not like this," I said. "I can't do this stuff."

"Just give me a chance, alright?" Dan said and the bell was ringing,
five minutes until class. "One date, please?"

"If it doesn't work, you promise to leave me alone?" I asked and Dan
nodded. "And no more kisses and stuff, okay? I don't like it."

"Are you sure?" Dan was smiling, tilting his head a little and I
blushed furiously.

"I'm sure," I said. "I gotta get to class."

"I'm still giving you that ride home," Dan said as I ducked under his
arm. "Don't forget."

I didn't even look back, but just walked away while other kids stared
at me. Mr. Peters hadn't been the only one to see Dan kissing me, but
everyone else knew exactly who I was.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

Things were sorta normal for the next hour, since it was Ms. Regan's
American History class and she didn't like a whole lot of talking. It
was kind of a relief to be left alone, except for Roger's frowns and a
few looks and whispers from the other kids. I just kept my nose in my
book and took notes while Ms. Hagen lectured. God, that woman was
boring.

Things went back to normal in my next class, however, meaning back to
being really strange.

"Collins! See you a minute?" Mr. Forbes told me, cause it wasn't a
question at all. His other name was Coach, by the way, as in the
football coach.

I finished dressing quickly, putting on my gym shorts and t-shirt,
same old shoes though. I just wore sneakers to school, and then went
to his office while the other boys went up to the gym.

"Uh, Mr. Forbes?" I asked and the guy always intimidated me, the way
all big men did. The way my dad did sometimes.

"Come on in. Nah, leave the door open, this'll just take a second," he
said. "Have a seat."

"Okay," I said nervously.

"I heard one of my players took a little shine to you, Ashley," Mr.
Forbes said and he was sitting on the edge of his desk, looking down
at me. "That new boy, Dan Staley."

"I guess so," I felt my face redden for the umpteenth time that day.

"How do you feel about that?" he asked me and I shrugged.

"I don't know," I said honestly. "I'm not, um, you know, gay or
anything. I don't know why he likes me."

"Sure," the man nodded, but he didn't look like he believed me. "Well,
I don't much care one way or the other, except I need that boy happy."

"Happy?" I blinked at that.

"Staley took his last school to the state championships twice. He's
the best goddamn football player I've ever seen and he's gonna take us
to the championship too."

"Oh."

"So long as he keeps his head out of his ass and on the grass," Forbes
nodded. "The surest way to knock a boy's dick in the dirt is to fall
in love with something he can't have."

"L-Love?" I stared at him.

"He's got a bad case of you and I'm not gonna wait for it to get
worse," he told me. "Staley's got a lot on his mind. He's gotta get
the playbook down. He's gotta know the team and they gotta trust him."

"What does that..." I didn't understand at all.

"Now, if Staley spends all his time worrying over you, it's gonna be
bad for everybody," Forbes said. "Bad for the team, bad for the
school, hell son, it'll be bad for the whole damn town, see?"

"Um..." I shrugged because I didn't see. It was just football, who
cares?

"So I just want to make sure that pretty little head of yours is on
straight," he said. "You keep that boy happy, keep his head in the
game where it belongs, and I'll take care of you."

"Take care of me?"

"Just like I take care of all the girls," he smiled and for a fleeting
moment I had the worst thought imaginable. "I have certain
arrangements with the school board; they're hot for a championship
too, believe me, and we all know that taking care of a healthy boy
like Dan Staley can be a full time job."

"Ummm..."

"So you don't need to be worrying about homework or grades or any of
that, see?" the man lowered his voice, even though we were alone.
"I'll take care of your report card; you just take care of your
boyfriend."

"My report card?"

"Have we got a deal, Ashley?" Mr. Forbes stared into my eyes and I
didn't know what else to do so I nodded. "Good. Now I'm gonna expect
to see you at practice and..."

"Practice?"

"All the girls come to watch, it's part of the deal," he said. "I
didn't like it at first, thought it might be a distraction, but damn
if it don't drive those boys crazy showing off."

"Oh."

"You'll come to the games and sit behind the bench," he went on. "Ride
the team bus too; some of those away games can be taxing on a young
man's spirit."

"Away games?"

"You ever think of being a cheerleader?" Forbes rubbed his bristling
scalp. "Anyway, mostly I just need you to be yourself and better yet,
be available. You can do that, right?"

"Uh, yeah," I agreed, thinking I wasn't anything like the man probably
thought I was.

"Good," he smiled. "I knew you'd understand, Ashley. I went to school
with your dad; he was a hell of a football player."

"Okay," I said, wondering what my dad had to do with any of this.

"Alright, go on now, get your cute little ass upstairs," Forbes jerked
his head. "And Ashley..."

"Sir?" I paused halfway out the door.

"If anyone gives you a hard time," he looked at me hard for a second,
"I know how to deal with that too."

"Okay," I nodded dumbly, feeling very much like I had the time Roger
and me had tried some of his dad's vodka. Somebody stop the earth, I
want to get off.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

"Hey, there you are," Dan smiled and he was leaning against a little
red convertible, one of those British MG kind.

"Hi," I said and after that I had no idea what I was supposed to do.

"I put the top down," Dan said. "Thought you might like a little wind
in your hair."

"My hair?" I reached for my long blonde hair without thinking and when
I caught myself I felt silly, so I just brushed it back from my
forehead. It was long and straight and golden, and right then I wished
it wasn't.

"I love your hair," Dan said. "Come on, let's go for a drive."

"You're driving me home, right?" I said, watching as he moved to the
other side and opened the passenger door for me.

"Well, yeah," he chuckled, "that's what I meant."

"Okay," I agreed, but my heart was thumping wildly.

He didn't say anything at first and I tried to slump down a little as
we passed about half the kids in the school on our way out of the
parking lot. That MG was a small car though, real small, and there
wasn't a whole lot of slumping a person could do in it. Everyone saw
Dan giving me a ride home and it was just adding fuel to the fire, I
was sure.

"This is a pretty cool car," I said, just cause the silence was
killing me.

"Thanks, yeah, the boosters in Pittsburgh gave it to me for being the
High School Player of the Year," Dan said, but not like he was
bragging, he was just explaining.

"Oh," I said. "Hey! My house is that way."

"Is it?" Dan grinned at me. "That's okay, this is a shortcut."

"A shortcut?" I looked around. "This goes to the lake."

"Yeah, I guess it does," he said and he was looking at me as much as
he looked at the road.

"You said you'd take me home," I protested and I had to grab my hair
in a ponytail and hold it because of the wind blowing.

"I will," Dan promised. "But I thought you wanted to talk first."

"Yeah," I said. "I do, but...Never mind."

"It's okay," Dan said and his right hand went to my leg, sliding
gently up and down my thigh.

"Don't do that," I told him, looking down.

"Doesn't it feel good?" Dan asked me and he gave me just a little
squeeze. "I like it."

"I don't," I said. "Please? Be nice?"

"I'm always going to be nice to you, Ashley," Dan said seriously.
"It's my mission in life, to see you happy."

"What?" I laughed and rolled my eyes maybe.

"Really!" Dan laughed too and his hand was still on me, but I didn't
say anything.

"I'm a boy though, I don't..." I sighed, "...Why do you even like me?"

"Because you're beautiful," Dan said. "Because you're smart, you're
shy, you're funny, you're..."

"Stop," I really did roll my eyes then.

"You started it," Dan grinned, giving my thigh another squeeze and I
found myself smiling even though I really didn't want to.

The lake wasn't too far away and a few minutes later we were parked by
the water. On a Saturday night there'd be a lot of cars there, lovers
parking under the moon, but this was three o'clock in the afternoon
and we were the only ones out there for the time being. Dan turned off
the engine and unfastened his seatbelt, turning in his seat to face me
and if that car seemed small to me, it made Dan seem even larger than
he already was. I undid my seatbelt too, just in case I needed to get
away in a hurry. I had no idea what to expect.

"I've had girlfriends before," Dan said and his voice was gentle now
that it was quiet and we were alone. "They were okay, but none of them
were like you, Ash."

"I bet," I said, thinking that was pretty obvious.

"Like my last one? She didn't make me feel the way you do," he said.
"I mean, just looking at you, seeing you in school, it makes me feel
warm inside."

"It does?" I asked and the older boy nodded seriously. "But you don't
even know me."

"Yeah, but I want to," Dan smiled and his right arm was over the seats
and he shifted a little, bringing his fingers to my shoulders. "I want
to know everything about you."

"I don't feel like that though, see?" I swallowed hard. "I'm a boy. I
like girls, you know? I want a girlfriend. I want to get married
someday."

"I want to get married too," Dan said. "I understand. I used to feel
like that too. I still do, I mean, girls are great. They're pretty
awesome and I like them a lot."

"Then what's the problem?" I laughed, not understanding this
conversation at all. "Why not get a girlfriend? Jesus, you could have
any girl you wanted."

"Because I'm not in love with any of them," Dan sighed and his hazel
green eyes were staring into mine. "I'm in love with you, Ashley."

"Dan..." I had to close my eyes and I felt...Warm. Like Dan felt warm? I
wasn't sure. I wasn't embarrassed by what he said, well, maybe a
little because he so obviously meant it, but I wasn't mad at all. I
felt warm, that's all I can say. My tummy was tight. My fingers itched
and my skin tingled, and I was warm all over.

"Ashley..." he whispered and I knew what was coming. He was leaning
forward just like before. Dan was going to kiss me and I wanted to
stop him, I swear I did.

"No." I opened my eyes and Dan's face was so close to mine I could
feel his humid breath on my skin. "I don't want to," I whispered. "I
can't."

"It's okay, Ashley," he said and I could feel the boy's hand on my
shoulder, his fingers through my shirt. "I won't make you do anything
you don't want to."

"I know," I said and I believed him. "I'm just...I'm not ready for this.
I don't know what I want."

That wasn't what I'd meant to say, but as soon as I heard the words
come out of my mouth I knew they were true. I did feel something, I
couldn't help it. I couldn't sit there and listen to another person
tell me he loved me and not feel something. Boy or girl, it didn't
seem to matter, not in that sense, and it just confused me all the
more.

"I'm kind of going too fast, huh?" Dan frowned at himself and his hand
found my neck, my bare skin, and I shivered. "I can't help it, but...
Yeah, I can wait for you, Ash."

"You can't kiss me at school anymore," I said with a little smile,
happy that he'd stopped when I'd said no. "I mean it, okay? We're
gonna get in trouble."

"I know," Dan had his fingers in my hair and I liked it. I mean, it
didn't feel bad, that's all. I didn't want him to do it, but I could
feel his fingertips on my scalp and why did that feel so good?

"And I have to sit with my friends during lunch, okay?" I said,
thinking I had to make it clear that whatever Dan thought we were, I
wasn't going to be his girlfriend.

"Yeah, I understand," I agreed. "My friends can be a little..."

"They're jerks," I said and then made a little face. "Sorry, I just
mean..."

"No, you're right," Dan stroked my hair, pulling some from my eyes.
"They are jerks, but they're good guys too, so...Yeah."

"Yeah," I sighed and we were quiet for a few minutes, Dan playing with
my hair and me trying to figure out why I wasn't making him stop.

"I'm looking forward to that party tomorrow," he said finally. "It'll
be fun."

"Maybe," I shrugged. "Is that, um, Tori's party?"

"Yeah, the cheerleader?" Dan nodded. "She's okay."

"I guess so," I shrugged, thinking Tori was a thousand times better
than just okay. "I don't really know her."

"She likes you," Dan smiled.

"She does?"

"Yeah, she's in half my classes," Dan said. "She keeps asking me if
you're coming or not."

"Oh," I smiled.

"You're still coming with me, right?"

"Yeah," I said. "I said I would."

"I guess your dad's gonna want to meet me, huh?"

"What?" I blinked at him. "Um...No, I don't think that's a good idea."

"Why not?" Dan smiled, but he was genuinely curious.

"My dad's kinda serious about...Stuff," I said and even I didn't know
what that meant.

"You think he'd be mad if I was your boyfriend?" Dan asked, like that
was a normal question and I laughed at him.

"Yeah, he wouldn't get that at all," I said. "And besides, you're not
my boyfriend yet."

"Not yet?" Dan grinned and I frowned as I realized what I'd said and
that hadn't come out at all like I'd meant it to.

"I mean you're not my boyfriend," I said quickly. "I don't have a
boyfriend, so...You're not my boyfriend."

"I see," Dan smiled at me and that made me smile and then we were
laughing.

"God! Why me?" I looked up and shook my head and Dan's fingertip
touched my cheek, caressing me, and there's no other word for it.

"Sometimes we don't get a reason until after it happens," Dan said and
that brought my eyes to his.

"Until what happens?"

Dan didn't answer me. He just smiled and pulled his hand away slowly
so that he could start his car.

"I better get you home now," he said. "Are you cold?"

"No," I told him and I was even warmer than I'd been before for some
reason. His words had meant something to me. I didn't know what
exactly, and I didn't know why, but as soon as he'd said them it was
like something just clicked between us and I felt a different sort of
fear then.

The fear that maybe he was right.

On the way to my house we just talked like normal people, kind of,
except it was mostly about me. Dan wanted to know what I liked to do,
what kind of movies I liked, and books and music, and that sort of
thing. I answered him honestly too and I have to admit I enjoyed it.
Nobody had ever been interested in me like that before, not even
Roger, but we'd been best friends forever so Roger already knew all
about me anyway. He didn't count.

Dan counted though and even if I wasn't ever going to be his boyfriend
or whatever, I really thought it would be okay just being his friend.
He was super nice to me. He laughed at my jokes and listened to what I
said. It was strange because I always thought jocks would be...
Different. We didn't even talk about sports, not once. Dan didn't ask
me if I liked football, or any of that and I didn't have to defend
myself for not being a big baseball fan or whatever. That was a huge
relief.

It was so much fun I almost wished he wasn't taking me home and I
didn't mind telling him that.

"That was fun," I said when Dan stopped in front of my house.

"Yeah, I liked it too," he smiled at me and we just sat there for a
few seconds.

"So, um, you're gonna be nice in school tomorrow, right?" I said, half-
teasing the boy and Dan grinned at me.

"I'll always be nice, Ashley," he said.

"You know what I mean," I laughed lightly. "You promised, remember?"

"Yeah, I know," he said. "And tomorrow night I'm going to pick you up,
right?"

"Seven o'clock, yeah," I agreed and then we sat there for a few more
seconds, looking at each other.

"Maybe you should give me your phone number," Dan said. "Just in case,
um...You know...In case."

"In case?" I smiled. "In case you want to call me, you mean?"

"Yeah," Dan agreed and I was twirling my hair in my fingers without
realizing it, and then I did realize it and that sorta got me moving.

"I better go inside," I said. "My mom's probably freaking out."

"Just tell her it's my fault," Dan said. "Are you going to be in
trouble?"

"No," I scrunched up my nose the way I do, "it's not late or anything,
but I usually call if I'm not coming home right after school. She
worries."

"Yeah, mom's do that," Dan agreed. "I can walk you to the door, if you
want."

"Nah, it's cool," I said, getting out of his little car and I
hesitated. "Hey, um, Dan? Thanks for being so nice to me, okay?"

"Well..." he grinned, "...Yeah. That's my mission, remember?"

"Yeah," I smiled and looked down because I was remembering what he'd
said. All of it.

"I'll see you tomorrow, Ashley," Dan said and I just nodded and walked
towards my house. "Hey!"

"What?" I turned around.

"You didn't give me your phone number," Dan said.

"Are you gonna remember it?" I laughed and he nodded. "Six two two oh
seven eight one."

"Got it," Dan smiled and I was walking backwards, just grinning at
him.

"Okay," I said.

"Okay," he said and we just looked at each other.

"Go now!" I laughed. "God!"

"Go in the house first," Dan said.

"Uh, okay..." I stuck out my tongue, "...I will!"

"Who was that, dear?" my mom asked as I hurried inside, slamming the
door behind me with a laugh and I hadn't realized she was watching us
through the window.

"What?" I swallowed hard and felt my face burning.

"That boy? What were you two doing out there?" mom stared at me.

"Uh...Oh! Him?" I tried a weak smile. "That's Dan, um...The new boy? Uh,
you said make friends with him, right?"

"Oh," mom had a curious look on her face, like a confused smile and I
knew that feeling well.

"I'm gonna go take a shower," I said, making my escape and I wasn't
sure why I felt so guilty, but I did. I felt like she'd caught us
making out or something, but all we'd been doing was...What?

Flirting.

That was the word that came to mind and I frowned at that. Had I been
flirting with the guy? When I teased Dan, was it just a guy having fun
with a friend, or something else? When I laughed, was I really
giggling? Twisting my fingers in my hair? Where had that come from?
What else did I do that I didn't even know about? What if I'd been
giving Dan signals, like a girl might give a boy she likes? Had I done
that?

I was in a panic, I really was and I didn't understand any of it. I'd
explained to Dan that I didn't want him touching me, or kissing me.
That he wasn't my boyfriend. I'd explained everything and he'd
understood. It had to be okay now. Everything would go back to normal.
We'd go to the party and have fun, but nothing would happen and after
that I'd be free. Wouldn't I?

It didn't feel like it and remembered that moment by the lake and how
he said that sometimes we don't know the reasons until after. I most
especially remembered how much I'd liked it, how the words seemed to
make sense even though they didn't. I remembered it because that was
the moment when I really thought that maybe, somehow, I could love him
and admitting that brought tears to my eyes.

That was when my life changed. Not with that first kiss. Not with the
punch to Billy's nose. But sitting by the lake and hearing Dan tell me
that sometimes reasons just didn't matter. That looking for reasons
and making excuses didn't always work. Sometimes, he'd meant, you have
to listen to the voice in your heart and ignore the voice in your
head. That's what Dan was doing and I was afraid of it, just like I
was afraid of him when I stopped to think about what we were doing.
But when I didn't think about it...

I closed my eyes in the shower and I knew that when I hadn't thought
about it at all, that's when I hadn't been afraid. I'd been completely
myself with Dan on the ride home, maybe for the first time in my life.
I'd talked and giggled and flirted and felt those good feelings all
warm in my tummy. I'd wanted that ride to go on forever and was it
wrong to feel like that? My head said yes, but my heart didn't know.

That was as close as I could get to the truth right then, telling
myself that I just didn't know.


=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
continued in Part 2
rache696@yahoo.com

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