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Message-ID: <57575asstr$1209636603@assm.asstr-mirror.org>
Reply-to: rivyavtry@myway.com
From: "Riv"<rivyavtry@myway.com>
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Subject: {ASSM} Cow Harvest {RivYavtry} (sci-fi, tentacle) 
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Date: Thu, 01 May 2008 06:10:03 -0400
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   Usual disclaimers about this being a work of imagination, with no
relationship to real people or events.Please let me know if you like the
story.  (You can comment anonymously via the feedback form on my asstr site
- http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/rivyavtry/www/)Riv Yavtry



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No kidding.  Make My Way your home on the Web - http://www.myway.com

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<1st attachment, "cowharvest.txt" begin>

The professor enters the lecture theatre where his class is waiting.
A sedated cow is suitably restrained at the front of the lecture
theatre, and magnification and x-ray machines are in close proximity.

Professor: "Good morning students".

Students: (chorus) "Good morning sir".

Professor: "I know we're in the middle of nowhere and many of you
can't wait to get back to civilisation, but today I'm giving a
practical demonstration that most of you should find more interesting
than our normal lectures. Who can tell me what I have in front of me?"

Student A: "It's a cow, sir."

Professor: "Obviously. But what do you notice about it?"

Student B: "It's sickly and deformed sir."

Professor: "Why do you think that?"

Student B: "Because it's lost most of its hair, and its skin is pale
and thin and almost translucent."

Professor: "Well your observations are correct, but remarkably your
conclusions aren't. The planet where this animal was found was seeded
a very long time ago, and this is how the cows have evolved in our
absence. Contrary to appearance this cow is in healthy condition.
Another strange quirk of evolution means that the ratio of cows to
bulls on the planet is almost one to one."

Students: (chorus of gasps of amazement)

Professor: "There are one or two other little oddities, but I'll
come to them in due course. First of all I'll demonstrate how to
harvest the stomach acid."

(He adjusts a magnifying device to project a close-up of the cow's
mouth onto a screen.)  

"Look at the animal's teeth."

Students: (chorus of gasps of amazement)

Student C: "Does this cow eat other animals, sir?"

Professor: "Excellent. We seed planets with herbivore livestock, but
occasionally if left unchecked they can evolve into omnivores. In
times of extreme hardship, these cows have even been known to eat
other cows."

Students: (chorus) "Ewwwwww!"

Professor: "You'll notice the cow has a hinged jaw operated by
relatively weak muscles. That means the cow will be helpless and
unable to bite if the jaw is forced open wide enough. Now as you all
know, a design compromise means the cow's upper digestive and
respiratory systems share the same channel so while we're harvesting
the cow's stomach acid it cannot breathe therefore it's important to
do it quickly. Also the cow needs stomach acid to digest its food, so
if you harvest too much the cow won't be able to feed properly and
might die. We recommend an upper limit of about 50%."

(The professor exudes a very thick tentacle, which it feeds down the
cow's mouth. He adjusts an x-ray device to project the progress of
the tentacle through the cow. Although sedated, the cow starts to
choke and squirm.)

Student D: "Is the cow suffering, Sir?"

Professor: (laughing) "You animal rights activists. You'll be
wanting to give cows the vote next. I can assure you these creatures
are not sentient and this is purely a reflex reaction."

(The screen shows the professor's tentacle thread its way down the
cow's digestive system into its stomach. The professor starts to suck
up the acid, causing undulating waves to course down the tentacle,
blocking off the cow's airway completely. The cow's face goes red and
it stops struggling.)

"Since this is a demonstration, I've only harvested a little acid."

(The professor withdraws his tentacle. The cow coughs and retches
and starts to breathe again.)

"See, the cow's perfectly ok. Now I'll move on to the rest of the
harvest."

(The professor adjusts the x-ray machine to point at the cow's lower
abdomen. He then exudes another thick tentacle, and pierces the cow's
rectum.)

"Who can tell me what we harvest from here?"

Student E: "Semi-digested food and micronutrients sir."

Professor: "Very good. The cows have very inefficient digestive
systems and waste most of what they consume, but this is a very good
source of nutrition for our young, with their developing digestive
systems."

(The professor parts the folds covering the cow's birth canal, and
gently rubs a tiny button of flesh. The cow whimpers.)

"Who can tell me what this is?"

Student F: "That's where the cow excretes waste liquids sir."

Professor: "I see you've been reading your textbooks, but in this
instance you're wrong. These cows have evolved to excrete waste
liquids through a tiny hole at the entrance to their birth canals."

Students: (chorus) "Ewwwwww." 

Professor: "In fact this organ is now entirely redundant and in time
is likely to disappear completely."

(The professor adjusts the magnifying device to point at the cow's
pee hole. He exudes a very thin tentacle which he proceeds to thread
up the cow's urethra.)

"Of course, although it's waste to the cow, it was designed to be
useful to us. It's an invaluable source of fixed nitrogen for our
hydroponics systems."

(The x-ray shows the thin tentacle pierce the cow's bladder and
extract the waste liquids within.)

"And now, the piece de resistance. The cows were designed to be born
with their lifetime's supply of eggs. Now watch closely."

(The professor exudes a thickish tentacle which he inserts into the
cow's birth canal.)

"For reasons we don't fully understand, the cows seem to be
particularly docile if we start this procedure with a very thick
tentacle."

(The x-ray shows the tentacle becoming very thin at the end,
piercing the cow's cervix and entering its womb. It then becomes
almost filamentous as it threads its way up into one of the cow's
ovaries.)

"The cow needs eggs to reproduce or else cows would die out. Each
cow has two ovaries, and as a general rule we harvest all the eggs
from just one ovary."

(The professor starts to harvest simultaneously from all three
sites, causing undulating waves to travel down the tentacles. The cow
is writhes again and produces incomprehensible noises: <Yes, yes,
fuck me, fuck me, harder.>)

Student D: "Is the cow trying to say something, sir?"

Professor: "No, as I said before these are not sentient animals. All
the reactions and noises are purely instinctive."

(The cow thrashes violently a few times while producing more
incomprehensible noises: <Oh God, yes, yes, YESSSSSS!>, then becomes
still. The professor withdraws all his tentacles.)

Student D: " The cow looks almost happy sir."

Professor: "A very small minority of scientists believe that cows
can derive primitive pleasure when fulfilling the purpose for which
they were designed. Now each of you come up in turn and I'll pass you
a couple of cow eggs each to try."

(The students approach the professor in turn, and he exudes a couple
of the harvested cow eggs to each student.)

Students: (chorus) "Mmmm, yummy."

Professor: "You can see why cow eggs are so prized. By weight, they
are one of the most expensive foods you can buy. You and you,"
(pointing at students C and E), "have done well today so I have a
special treat for you."

(The professor adjusts the x-ray and magnifying devices to point at
the cow's udders.)

"Each cow has two udders, which are used to produce a nutritious
sustaining liquid for the initial stages of its calf's development.
This cow has recently calved, and although the calf has been weaned,
the cow is still producing. You" (pointing at student C) "take this
udder and you" (pointing at student E) "take the other. Exude an
extremely fine tentacle, small enough to go in here." 

(The professor indicates the teat on the udder and increases
magnification to show that there is a tiny hole in the end. The
students exude filamentous tentacles, which they insert into the
holes.)

"Now suck and harvest the liquid. It's held in several glands so
you'll have to probe thoroughly to find it all. The liquid is now
redundant so you can harvest every last drop."

(The cow's udders seem to writhe and squirm as they are probed by
undulating tentacles. The cow emits a continuous high-pitched noise.)

"Sample some yourself, and pass some to your fellow students."

(Students C and E suck the cow dry then withdraw their tentacles,
which they use to distribute the liquid to the others. A few students
express pleasure at the taste but most wrinkle their probosces.)

Professor: "It's very much an acquired taste, so there isn't much
market for it, but everyone should try it once. Well, that wraps up
the demonstration. We'll be returning home tomorrow but there's a
special treat tonight though to mark the end of the field trip -
we're barbecuing this cow for dinner tonight."

Student D: "Aww sir, can't we keep it as a pet? Look at its eyes.
It's almost as though it can understand every word I'm saying."

Professor: "That's completely out of the question. This cow comes
from unregulated stock which has developed several undesirable
traits. It must not be allowed near our commercial herds. In fact,
I've recommended that the planet be sterilised and reseeded."
<1st attachment end>


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