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From: declan@weirdness.com
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Subject: {ASSM} Alexandra Ch12(Slow, Romance, Literary Erotica)
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Date: Fri, 14 Dec 2007 13:10:02 -0500
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Hi
I have posted various chapters of this novel to various newsgroups and
web sites over the last few years (and from several different email
accounts). I have lost track of where I post what. So I have decided
to post the complete novel here over the next few days.
The complete novel and my other stories are also available on my
website www.DeclanStanley.com.
-----------

Alexandra Chapter 12

Needless to say that contentment didn't last. I kept dreaming about
Alex. I tried not to, but did you ever try make yourself not to dream
about something. it's probably the surest way of ending up dreaming
about it. She really bugged me. She'd gotten under my skin and try as
I might she I couldn't seem to get away from her.
I tried not to let my affliction with Alexandra spoil my relationship
with Jasmine, but I don't think I succeeded. I think Jasmine knew that
there was something bothering me and then one Saturday at breakfast I
found out for sure.
"Who's Alex?" Jasmine asked as put her empty coffee cup down.
"Alex?" I looked up from the paper to her.
"You talk in your sleep," she sat back in her chair and pushed her
cereal bowl away from her. "And you always mention a girl called
Alex."
"What do I say about her," I smiled.
Jasmine kept a straight face. "That she's gorgeous. and she tastes
nice. And that she has very suckable breasts."
"Oh," I looked down at the paper again.
Jasmine's voice softened. "Is she an ex-girlfriend?"
"Yes," I nodded.
"Is she an ex-lover?" she asked.
"Yes," I replied.
After a pause Jasmine asked, "Was she special?"
"She was special to me," I said. "But I wasn't all that special to
her."
There was silence for a moment.
"Do you still love her," she spoke very softly.
"Hardly," I looked up at her, but she was looking away. "She's a
fucked up little bitch that treated me with total and utter contempt."
"That doesn't stop you from loving her," she said.
"Jasmine," my heart was pounding. "I love you."
She said nothing.
I lent across the table to touch her, but she was too far away.
"I really do love you," I said.
She looked at me.
I stood and walked around to her side of the table. Her eyes never
left me. I knelt beside her and took hold of her hand.
"I really do love you," I squeezed her hand. "You've got to believe
me. I really do."
"Oh, I know you do," she put her arm around me and buried her head in
my shoulder. "I know you do."
I hoped that would be the end of it, but as we finished lunch later
that afternoon Jasmine brought up the subject again.
"I know a girl called Alex in the Tennis Club," Jasmine said. "About
three inches shorter than me, long black hair, stunning green eyes."
I recognised her description. "Alex Murphy," I said.
"Alexandra Murphy," Jasmine nodded.
I didn't say anything, just looked down at my empty plate.
There was silence for a few moments then she said, "So she's your Ex-
girlfriend."
"Yes," I admitted.
"Well I suppose that will please some of the other girls at the club,"
she mused.
"Why?" I looked up.
"There's a vicious rumour going around that she's gay," Jasmine said.
I gulped.
Jasmine smiled, "You seem surprised."
"Well ..." I didn't know what to say it might explain a lot, but would
open up a whole load of other questions. "Maybe that's why I could
never understand her," I looked at Jasmine. "I might have been asking
myself all the wrong questions."
"It never occurred to you before?" she asked.
"Well," I smiled. "My macho male ego always thinks that any girl who
doesn't fall instantly in love with me must be gay," I shrugged, "Else
how could she not find me attractive."
Jasmine laughed.
"But seriously," I continued. "No, it had never occurred to me."
"No I don't think she's gay either," Jasmine started to clear away the
dishes.
"Oh. Why?" I helped her.
"Well," she smiled. "She's never made a pass at me." She kissed my
cheek as I laughed, then started to stack the dishes in the sink.
Over the next few weeks Jasmine managed to get me to tell her the
whole story of my relationship with Alexandra. At first I was
reluctant to talk about. It was as much that I was unwilling to admit
to myself what had happened as it was that I didn't want to tell her.
But as I started to open up to her and explain what had happened it
became clearer to me as well. And as I began to understand what had
happened I became less uptight about it.
And because Jasmine was there to listen, not judging and not laughing
because I'd made a fool of myself, made it easier. In fact I think it
made us a lot closer than we had been. I opened up to her in a way
that I'd never done with anybody before. And she opened up to me. As
the Americans would say it was a very positive growth experience.
The most important parts where the conversations, more like
monologues, where I finally pieced together what I had really felt for
Alexandra. And once I'd come to terms with my feelings for her I could
get on with my life and start loving Jasmine in the way that she
deserved.
We where curled up in bed that night when Jasmine brought up the
subject of Alexandra again.
"So what did it feel like to snuggle up with Alex like this?" she
whispered.
I snorted. "We never slept together," I squeezed my arm around her.
"What?" Jasmine looked up at my face. "I thought you'd had sex."
"Oh, we had sex," I said. "But once we were finished she always kicked
me out."
"Oh," she said.
"At least, I think we had sex," I continued.
"What's that mean, Kevin," she smiled. "Either you did or you didn't."
"Well," I explained. "I made love to her, but she never made love to
me."
"You mean that she just lay on her back and let you pump away?"
Jasmine asked.
"Oh, no. She was on top most of the time." I smiled, "You know how I
like to lie on my back."
"Well, yes," she continued with her probing. "But if she was on top
doing all the work, why do you say she didn't make love to you?"
"Well ..." I paused, then realised that I had nothing to be ashamed
of. "I never got to come."
"What?" she raised herself on her elbow to look at my face.
"I never got to orgasm," I said.
She paused for a moment while the thought sank in. Then asked, "How
come?"
I looked at her for a moment, then realised that I had nothing to fear
from telling her the truth. "I never got to penetrate her." I couldn't
make out the expression on Jasmine's face in the dim light. "With my
penis, I mean. I make her come with my fingers and tongue," my voice
nearly broke. "But she never really showed any real interest in
returning the compliment."
"Didn't you ask her?" she said.
"Oh, yes," I sighed. "I asked her if she'd give me head and she
thought the idea was ridiculous. And when I asked her if she wanted to
have sex with me she always say no. But every time we got back to her
place after a date I'd always end up making love to her."
Jasmine was silent.
So I continued, "I remember one time having this really weird
conversation where she refused to admit that we where having sex." I
shrugged, "I suppose that's what it boils down to, if we weren't
having sex then she didn't have to make me come. she didn't feel that
she owed me anything.
"That must have been terrible," Jasmine voice was so soft I could
barely hear it.
"Not really." I said. "The worst part was the uncertainty," I slipped
my hand down to stroke her breast. "Not knowing what she felt for me.
Not being able to figure it out and not being able to get her to tell
me." I shook my head, "I was left in a limbo with all my emotions
flying about, unable to get a grip on the situation."
As Jasmine slipped her leg across my hips she brushed against my penis
and I realised that I had an erection. As she sank down on top of me I
realised that she was aroused as well. And by the time we'd finished
it was the early hours of the morning and we fell asleep in each
other's arms.
The following day we where rushed off our feet buying and installing a
new set of kitchen presses and it wasn't until we'd settled down in
bed that we started to talk about me and Alex again.
"I still don't understand why she did what she did." I sighed. "What I
mean is that it all comes back to why she let me make love to her,
when she wouldn't make love back to me."
"I think she was trying to give you just enough to keep you coming
back for more," Jasmine reached up to pull my arm around her shoulder
and squeezed it.
"So you think she was just toying with me?" I liked the feel of my arm
around her and her hand on mine.
"No," she said. "I think she might really loved you."
"What !" I was dumbfounded. "That's not how you act when you love
someone." And yet some part of me really wanted to believe that she
had.
"It is if you're scared of being hurt again," she said.
I tensed, a feeling of dread coming into my heart at the thought that
I could have caused Alexandra pain by loving her.
She looked up at me, "What's the matter?"
"You're saying that she thought if I knew that she loved me that I'd
use it to take advantage of her," I didn't look at her.
She whispered, "Yes."
"But she still loved me and wanted me," I said.
"Yes," she nodded.
"But she couldn't admit it to me, because that would give me some sort
of power over her?" I asked.
"And she couldn't admit it to herself," Jasmine explained. "Because
then she'd have to open up and trust you and then you could ... well
use her and hurt her."
"So instead of me fucking her," I said. "She made sure she fucked me
first."
Jasmine paused a moment, then answered, "Well, yes. I suppose so." She
prodded my ribs to make me look down at her, "Though I wouldn't have
put it in quite that way." She kissed me.
"And you're not afraid of me using and hurting you," I returned her
kiss.
"Of course not," she smiled. "Because I've got you completely under
control."
"Oh, yeah?" I smiled back.
"Oh, yes," she ran her hand down to my growing erection.
"You think that can control me?" I asked.
"Maybe not," she glanced into my eyes. "But this can." And she moved
down, put her head between my legs and sucked me completely into her
mouth.
Later that week we talked about Alexandra and me again. And I
explained how Alexandra had said that she hadn't thought that we were
having sex when I made love to her.
"She was so full of bullshit," I explained. "Every time I tried to
talk to her all she came out with was bullshit."
"Well maybe she didn't think it was sex," Jasmine said.
"Come off it. Nobody knows that little about sex," I said. "How could
she not have known what we were doing."
Jasmine thought for a minute. "Listen Kevin, would it have made any
difference if you'd got to come?"
I opened my mouth to say "Yes", but Jasmine interrupted.
"What I mean is," she turned around to face me. "Your believe was that
you were doing something special, and her's apparently was that it was
just good clean fun. Right?"
"Yes," I nodded. Now that she had turned to look at me my fingers
touched the skin at the back of her neck.
"It doesn't matter what physical acts you performed, to her it was
just fun and to you it meant commitment," she continued. "No matter
what you would have she would still have kicked you out when you were
finished. And you would still have gone home frustrated and lonely."
The memories of walking home alone no longer hurt as much as they did.
"So get over your hang up over making love to her," Jasmine put her
arms around my neck. "You acted in good faith and she betrayed you.
You owe her nothing."
At the word "betrayed" I looked up at her face.
She kissed my chin. "I believe that making love is special for you. I
know how difficult it is for you to open up." She smiled, "I mean,
it's taken this long for you to open up and tell me what's being
tumbling around in you mind since we've been together."
I smiled back, "Yeh, well I didn't want it to come between us."
"No fucked up little bitch is going to come between us," she
whispered. "She's a fool to have treated you like that, She's a fool
to have let you go." Jasmine shook her head, "And she's a fool to have
even missed out on the best bit of sex."
"Which is," I asked as she tightened her arms and pulled me closer.
"You know that already," she licked her lips and brought them close to
mine. "It's making the other person come."
We kissed.
"Oh, yeah?" I teased. "So you like making me come then?"
"Yeh," she whispered in between kisses. "But not as much as you like
making me come."
We laughed, and giggled, and kissed, and made love.
A few days later we where lying in each other's arms late at night
when the subject of Alexandra came up again.
"It got easier once I decided that I didn't love her any more," I
said. "But I still wanted her. I still ached to hold her." Then I felt
my arm around Jasmine. I squeezed her, "Maybe I just ached to hold
somebody." I kissed the top of her head, "And now that I've found you
I no longer ache."
She squeezed me back.
"So when did you decide that you didn't love her?" she whispered, her
lips brushing against my nipples.
I sighed and thought for a bit. "I guess I knew I didn't love her when
I couldn't cry myself to sleep after we broke up," I said. "I remember
lying awake at night, turning over and over, punching my pillow, with
the tears building up inside, but nothing coming out."
Jasmine hugged me close.
"It felt ..." I stopped, amazed. "You know, I don't know how it felt."
I looked down at Jasmine's face, "I remember doing it. I remember
lying awake with the one thought going around and around in my head;
'Why did she let me make love to her if she didn't love me, and if she
loved me then why didn't she make love back?'." I swallowed, "But I
can't remember the actual feelings I had at the time."
"That's O.K., Kevin," she whispered.
"But I still wanted her," I said. "I still wanted to share my life
with that bitch."
Jasmine kissed me.
"It seams so unbelievable now," I shook my head. "It's so completely
absurd."
I held her tight in my arms as she ran her tongue round and round my
nipple. But my mind was still caught up with thoughts of Alexandra. Or
rather my feelings for Alexandra.
"At the time I thought that it didn't matter what she felt for me," I
said. "That all I could deal with was my feelings for her." I sighed,
"But now I realise that I did care about how she felt." I looked at
Jasmine, "I mean how much self-respect could I have knowing that I was
making a fool of myself over some fucked up little bitch who didn't
give a shit about me."
Jasmine stroked my neck and stretched up to nibble my ear.
"That was the ultimate betrayal," I said. "That I meant nothing to
her."
Jasmine rolled on top of me and squeezed her thighs against my hips.
My hands went around her hips and caressed her buttocks. "Every time
we made love she betrayed me, every time I made her come and she
wouldn't return the complement." I smiled, "Oh, not because I wanted
the cheep trill of an orgasm from her. But because she thought so
little of me that she didn't want to give me pleasure. She didn't want
to make love to me." I whispered, "All she wanted from me was to be a
biological vibrator."
"Speaking of a vibrator," she kissed my nipples. "I could see why a
girl might need one with you around."
"Huh?" I realised that I had an erection.
"Well you just ooze sexuality," she rocked from side to side, pushing
against the length of my penis.
"Really," I brought my hands around to her breasts.
"I could see how a girl could lose control," she slid up and down.
I could hardly listen to what she was saying.
"She'd definitely need satisfaction after kissing you," she raised
herself up and sank back down, pushing me deep inside her.
The fire took control of me. And grabbing her I started to pump into
her. She thrust and squeezed back as our mutual orgasm consumed us. We
peaked immediately and without pause started again. Then again and
again as our passion burned itself out. Until at last we lay still.
I lay back, exhausted, as she came to rest on top of me.
She straightened her legs, bringing them to rest between mine, and
spread her arms so her full weight came to rest on me. I could feel
her breath on my ear as she lay her head to rest on the pillow beside
mine.
"You know that I really love you, Jasmine," I whispered.
"Yeh," she answered. "I know that you do."
"You're just too good to be true," I nuzzled her shoulder and gave a
quick squeeze with my arms.
She chuckled. "Really?" she whispered.
"It's a pity that you're only a figment of my imagination," I murmured
as I drifted off to sleep.
"Shush," she brushed her hand through my hair. "Wake up tomorrow and
see if the dream's come true."

-----------
Copyright Declan Stanley.
The full story can be found at: http://declanstanley.com/novels/alexandra/

-- 
Pursuant to the Berne Convention, this work is copyright with all rights
reserved by its author unless explicitly indicated.
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