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Message-ID: <56987asstr$1197234603@assm.asstr-mirror.org>
From: Yotna El'toub <yotna_eltoub@hotmail.com>
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Subject: {ASSM} {REVIEW} WB008 Review of Hot Summer Fantasy by Kelly Adams
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Date: Sun, 09 Dec 2007 16:10:03 -0500
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<1st attachment, "Review WB_008 HSF.txt" begin>

Review WB_008 Hot Summer Fantasy by Kelly Adams
(kellyhadams at gmail dot com)
http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/Kelly/www/

___________________________________________________

Reviews are archived at the following sites:

ASSM, ASSD, ASSTR and the 'Writer's Block' Forum
at http://yotnasden.co.uk/Forum/. They are written
to encourage amateur authors - who give so freely
their time and efforts to the community.

Please note, I am happy to remove any review at the
request of the author. Currently I presume that
stories are reviewable if they do not state in text
or use a code that says otherwise.

If you would like me to review your story, please
feel free to ask me. I cannot however guarantee that
I will due to time restraints on my part.

E-mail: yotna_eltoub@hotmale.come <Please replace
'male' with mail> :-)
____________________________________________________


Storyline

<Brief outline only>


Merits

<What was worthy of comment>

I always admire someone who writes short stories in an effective
style. Kelly certainly does this, compacting the story but retaining
all the essentials. The fantasy device is well used here as is the
sultriness of a hot summer night. it's December in the UK with all
that brings, how well a hot summer night would go down - even one
filled with frustration :)


Demerits

<What detracted from the story>

Little, there is a missed opportunity when the two kiss to make more
use of the coolness of the ice cube and the shivery sensations that
it could deliver. The wrap around from the start of the story to the
end
does not completely match; in that she has already seen Svitra, so it
should be a 'continued' observation at the end. These are very minor
points. I'm struggling to find too many things not to like.


Atmosphere

<How well evolved was the environment> Marks out of  20

<15>

Well in a story of this length there has to be sacrifices so the
'outer' environment isn't described in any detail. This is an
irrelevance as the story relates to the 'inner' environment of a
fantasy, which applies its own filter to the world. 

The feeling of control come through well; our young Doctor shows no
hesitation, no concerns about her actions - such is fantasy - others
do
as we want.

Very nice.


Workflow

<How well did the story progress and develop> Marks out of  20

<14>

I mentioned the slight mismatch I noticed (on rereading a few times)
otherwise the piece flows well enough. 

Eroticism

<Just how erotic a read is this (erotic, not sexy!)> Marks out
of  20

<12>

Although short the text is pretty hot, and it conveys the urgency of a
horny fantasy. I felt there was a missed opportunity to take it to the
conclusion that our fantisiser was pleasuring herself, and may have
been seen in the act. Now that could be reserve on Kelly's part in
keeping the ending open to the readers imagination, but the suggestion
would have added a bit more of a voyeuristic oomph at the close of the
story.

What I mean is: the sort of infinite reflection you see in a series of
mirrors; here are 'we' the reader as a voyeur on the girl's fantasy.
Now if the subject of her fantasy is secretly observing the effect of
the fantasy on that girl then the resonance, so the image is complete.
The observer observed (so who's peaking over your shoulder as you
read?)

Kelly suggests that enough for me to pick up on it, but it is a little
too subtle; making it clearer would IMO improve the impact on an
erotic level.


Mechanics

<The boring bit, grammar, typo's etc.> Marks out of 20

<12>

Not much to report - I'm not a massive fan of:

"I pull on a flimsy flower-patterned sun dress
before going out on the balcony and saying hi to her."

I have this thing about using the colloquial in the narrative, I may
be over sensitive, but I would prefer the 'Hi' to indicate this as
language or a thought...

Now this is hard to believe (for anyone that knows me or my
writing), but the run on commas get to me:

"She moves closer to me. She takes an ice cube from her finished
drink and begins to rub it on her upper chest. It melts slowly on
her brown skin. I place my hand on hers, taking the ice from her.
She doesn't resist. I move the cold ice up to her shoulders, then
her neck, then to her lips, where it is now a tiny sliver that
disappears into her mouth. I kiss her."

Kelly uses short sentences well at some points - these indicate things
moving at speed or with excitement. However there is a tendency to go
'passive' at key moments. There is a sentence with three commas in it
at IMO the wrong point. Have the courage to split it up; the commas do
indicate a pause, but in a way that is too passive. Our girl is 'hot
to trot' not seductive and sensuous. At least that's my reading of the
text.


Impression

<What did I feel having read the story, did I want to read
more?> Marks out of 20

<14>

Yes I will read more - this is a nice appetite whetter. As a short
story it fairly rocks. A few glitches, but in such a compressed format
that is easily forgiven. The basic quality of Kelly's work is clear to
me judging by the depths I had to delve to find things to critique.

Good writers make it hard for reviewers not to like them and their
work. Kelly is a good writer.



Total score 67

Yotties out of 100.     



Readability guide           00-19 must try harder.
                            20-39 needs development
                            40-59 readable
                            60-79 good read
                            80-99 should read
                            100 reserved for my stories :-)


<An average score would therefore be 50>

Read the collected WB reviews at
http://yotnasden.co.uk/Forum/index.php

<1st attachment end>


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