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Message-ID: <56168asstr$1183421402@assm.asstr-mirror.org>
From: Yotna El'toub <yotna_eltoub@hotmail.com>
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Subject: {ASSM} {REVIEW} Yotna's Reviews of the Summer Solstice Festival ~ The Apprentice By Rachael
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Date: Mon, 02 Jul 2007 20:10:02 -0400
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Yotna's Reviews of the Summer Solstice Festival The ApprenticeBy Rachael
___________________________________________________ Reviews are archived at
the following sites: ASSM, ASSD, ASSTR and the 'Writer's Block' Forumat
http://yotnasden.co.uk/Forum/.  They are writtento encourage amateur
authors - who give so freelytheir time and efforts to the community.
Please note, I am happy to remove any review at the request of the
author.  Currently I presume that stories are reviewable if they do not

state in textor use a code that says otherwise.  If you would like me to
review your story, pleasefeel free to ask me.  I cannot however guarantee
thatI will due to time restraints on my part.  E-mail:
yotna_eltoub@hotmale.come <Please replace 'male' with mail
;-))____________________________________________________

   Storyline <Brief outline only>

   An entrepreneur pure (TIC) and simple; it is astounding whatschemes you
can come up with if you want something enough.  InStacy's case it is an
elusive pony.  So Stacy goes off to foundher empire and as we all know -
location, location, location!

   Merits <What was worthy of comment>

   I admire anyone who can write convincingly in the first person,but to
write convincingly as a thirteen year old as well?  WellRache did.  At
first I thought she was pitching the girl's mentalage a bit low, but no,
it's spot on.  As is that desire; we all know it - the gnawing, impulsive
needfor some object that would transform our little consumer lives ifwe
could just get our hands on it.  Convincingly and acutely observed writing.
Demerits <What detracted from the story>

   Suspension of disbelief: I would love to think that somewhere inAmerica,
(may be downtown Hickersville in Idlehodeyo) there maybe a thirteen year
old girl trapped in a 1950's time warp.However, I doubt it - this is the
mental mismatch I spoke of.  Insome way's Stacy is so right; in this
respect she's way off.

   Of course, this is a device for the story, even so, it groansat the
seams a little.  Even at the age of thirteen the TV,internet and teen
magazines all supplement the 'school yard'telegraph very effectively - kids
know about sex - many in gorydetail.

   Atmosphere <How well evolved was the environment>

   Marks out of 20 an 'average' score would be 10(all categories))

   <15> The overall atmosphere, both in deserted suburbia and at the'Mall'
are nicely done.  There was a bit of a missed opportunityin the 'alley' to
embellish on the seediness and maybe even addsome things that she may not
have come into close contact withbefore (used condoms ,syringes and the
like).  That may have beenmore believable to set off her 'innocence' with
the adult worldaround her.

   The male characters are cardboard cut-outs but that is theirrole.  The
main male protagonist is a fairly unsympatheticportrait, but very accurate
of a certain slimy type.
Extract:
* ""I got change if you need it." I told him and he was a littlered
faced, but still smiling and looking at me up and down,probably realizing I

wasn't a little girl at all.  "Ohhhh..." He breathed.  "I bet you do!" I
giggled at him, wondering if he had a squirrel in his pocket orsomething.
"How'd you like to make 25 dollars?" He asked me, kind ofwhispering so I
had to lean close.  "Yeah, sure!" I smiled.  "You need a babysitter or
something?" "I need something, yeah...Come over here..." He glanced at
thealley between the bookstore and the liquor store.  "Uh..." I frowned a
little, thinking maybe someone might steal mylemonade.  "Someone might
steal my lemonade." "Nooo...no...Not around here." He chuckled, taking me
by thehand, and he was still looking for that quarter with the otherone." *

   What a charmer, huh?  Workflow <How well did the story progress and
develop>

   Marks out of 20

   <17> A strength, the whole thing is nicely planned out and the
finalslightly askew business plan she comes up with is inspired evenif a
little immoral.  The idea of writing to 'The Apprentice'front man, be it
Trump or Sugar (in the UK) with this proposaldoes have a certain appeal :).
Eroticism <Just how erotic a read is this (erotic, not sexy!)>

   Marks out of 20

   <15> It scores highly here as discovery (or should that read
discoveryrecalled?) is such an enticing idea.  The descriptions of
thefairly sordid act are filled with Stacy's wonderment at what
ishappening. That in itself is something that adults lose once sexbecomes
commonplace (hopefully not mundane though).  I for onehaven't thought of
sperm in these terms.  Warning contains spoiler!
Excerpt:
* "I got up, sorta dusting my knees off and looking at my shoes.They got
a little scuffed, but I had twenty five dollars too!  Iburped and tasted
that man's sperm and I giggled.  It wasn't badtasting, I just wished it

wasn't so much like half-melted Jell-O." * See what I mean?  Mechanics <The
boring bit, grammar, typo's etc.>

   Marks out of 20

   <17> Allowances are made here for the fact that Rache is putting
thisinto thirteen year olds speech and thought.  As a writer she doeslittle
to perturb me.  It all reads well and very little causes meto pause for
thought.  Impression <What did I feel having read the story, did I want to
readmore?>

   Marks out of 20

   <15> A good blend of humour and imaginative writing makes me want toread
more of Rache's stories.  I think her natural style withfirst person
stories is impressive.  She could benefit from aslightly closer eye to the
detail surrounding the main action.  Total score 79 Yotties out of 100. 
<An average score would therefore be 50> (Note due to reviewer bias in
selecting storiesmany scores will exceed this average).

   Readability guide 00-19 must try harder.  20-39 needs development 40-59
readable 60-79 good read 80-99 should read 100 reserved for my stories :-)
_______________________________________________________________ (C) Yotna
El'toub 2007
_________________________________________________________________ The next
generation of MSN Hotmail has arrived - Windows Live Hotmail
http://www.newhotmail.co.uk

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