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From: Yotna El'toub <yotna_eltoub@hotmail.com>
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Subject: {ASSM} {REVIEW} Yotna's Reviews of the Summer Solstice Festival:  A Lithan Dawn By Esu Migabe
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Date: Sun, 01 Jul 2007 13:10:01 -0400
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___________________________________________________
Yotna's Reviews of the Summer Solstice Festival

A Lithan Dawn
by Esu Migabe
___________________________________________________

Reviews are archived at the following sites:

ASSM, ASSD, ASSTR and the 'Writer's Block' Forum
at http://yotnasden.co.uk/Forum/. They are written
to encourage amateur authors - who give so freely
their time and efforts to the community.

Please note, I am happy to remove any review at the 
request of the author. Currently I presume that 
stories are reviewable if they do not state in text
or use a code that says otherwise.

If you would like me to review your story, please
feel free to ask me. I cannot however guarantee that
I will due to time restraints on my part.

E-mail: yotna_eltoub@hotmale.come <Please replace 
'male' with mail ;-))
____________________________________________________

Storyline 

<Brief outline only>

Well imagine a story that is half hippy wiccan festival and
half a coming of age story. Now add a dash of life affirmation
and renewal.

There we go!


Merits

<What was worthy of comment>

Firstly the setting of context, by the use of explanatory
'inserts' and the inclusion of a wiccan verse give the
feeling that the writer has researched her environment. This adds
to the 'feel' of the story - and that atmosphere is a strength.
We really feel we are at a somewhat 'heady' and hedonistic event.

The feeling of the girl's inexperience is central to the
storyline and Esu gets this spot on.

Excerpt:

* "This was the first time though that she had felt brave
enough to
volunteer her body for the ritual. To take on the role of the Sun
Maiden. She had thought about it often enough in the past but
something had always stopped her. Now it felt right. She had an
inner confidence, which allowed her to take part. She looked over
to the wizened features of the chief elder and smiled to herself.
His knowledge knew no bounds; she knew he'd keep her safe." *

There is also a nice touch at the end which fits into the
philosophy of the Wicca.



Demerits

<What detracted from the story>

Esu has a tendency to keep the language in her stories very
simple and this is to be admired from the readability
standpoint. On
occasion though it can make sentences seem a little stilted, and
dare I say lack-lustre. There is the occasional confusion with
which object a sentiment refers to.

Arguable examples of both in order:

* "She had been attending the annual
ritual of the summer solstice as long as she could remember. Her
parents had bought her here when she was a small child and even
though they no longer attended, they still respected the pagan
rites." *

This is in the first paragraph of the story; for me it is a
little flat, I know it is only 'background' but it sounds as if
they went to church rather than an 'alternative' festival.

* "As each one passed, they threw a handful of flower petals
onto her body as a blessing for the sun and the forthcoming
harvest." *

For the sun or 'to' the sun? Either could be right but neither
sounds entirely right in that sentence. It needs some work.


Atmosphere

<How well evolved was the environment> 

Marks out of  20.

<18>

Glorious, you could almost smell the scent of all the flowers.
The whole thing is pulled off well. The strength of simple
writing
is that you can write about 'mystical' events without resourcing
to hyperbole. The only criticism I would have is that the chief
elder could do with a little more characterisation.


Workflow

<How well did the story progress and develop> 

Marks out of  20

<17>

As I mentioned I felt the beginning was a little weak as compared
to the rest of the story. Other than that we are taken through
the ceremony and cleverly beyond it at the end.


Eroticism

<Just how erotic a read is this (erotic, not sexy!)> 

Marks out of  20

<15>

There are some fine passages, but some need a little more flair
to take you 'into' the couples world. There could have been more
descriptive use of the senses of both touch and smell, as they
could have been very effective given the storyline.

Mechanics

<The boring bit, grammar, typo's etc.> 

Marks out of 20

<16>

I mentioned some glitches in the demerits section, here is one
more example of where the language usage 'jars' for me.

Excerpt:

* "Some elders rose to their feet and gave their chief an
earthenware
pitcher, which he immediately blessed, lifting it towards the
largest stone and uttering some indistinct words. He then
positioned the large vessel over her body before tipping it
slightly. The heady rose scent tingling her senses as he spilt it
on to her naked flesh. She felt the oil run in rivulets down
along
her breasts, on to her stomach and finally between her trembling
legs."*

Hmm, that 'uttering some indistinct words' doesn't really fit
there
does it? He uttered some... That 'tingling senses' bit gets me.
Which senses - there are five - did her hearing tingle?

Minor points but a shame as for me I stopped reading to think.

Some of the longer paragraphs should be split.

Impression

<What did I feel having read the story, did I want to read
more?> 

Marks out of 20

<15>

The attractive part of the text for me is the straight forward
simple language. That coupled with the lack of writers biggest
sin hyperbole makes for a pleasant easy read. Esu's descriptive
powers are good and the environment is rich. All of this attracts
me as a reader. If you enjoy a little romance and a light touch,
she excels.


Total score

81 Yotties out of 100.     <An average score would therefore
		            be 50>

Readability guide           00-19 must try harder.
                            20-39 needs development
                            40-59 readable
                            60-79 good read
                            80-99 should read
                            100 reserved for my stories :-)


_______________________________________________________________

(C) Yotna El'toub 2007

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