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From: Carol C <cobillard@hotmail.com>
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Subject: {ASSM} First Communion, First Semen, and Mother's Pride
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Date: Wed, 27 Jun 2007 14:10:01 -0400
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"Feminist literature of the twentieth century has challenged the
virgin/whore dichotomy of religious symbolism by analyzing the
patriarchal system that gave rise to beliefs about women as the
sexual property of men." (Bronwen Liechtenstein, cited below)

Indeed.

----------

Nearly every boy I have told my story to has wondered whether, in
the days before Viagra (taken by so many boys as a precaution on
the day that they anticipate their first sex with a girl),
impotence isn't often a problem. Out of apprehension,
nervousness, insecurity, fear of failure -- especially while
being watched by his peers.

The problem arose less often that the uninitiated might suppose.
Chief among the reasons is that we spent our whole childhoods in
preparation for puberty and enjoying the Holy Communion of orgasm
and ejaculation. Another reason is our emphasis on oral sex as
foreplay. Especially if you have had the opportunity to watch
others at sex you will know that a full erection, while nice --
even gorgeous -- is scarcely essential for oral sex; and in the
first seconds of stimulating a penis with her mouth a girl will
most often find the penis getting progressively harder. Indeed,
removing it from her mouth and licking and kissing and admiring
it almost always adds to its firmness. Finally, nearly all the
boys who joined us, or who attended our summer camps and sex
parties would have experienced a childhood of open sexuality and
family nudity. Most of those involved at Mom's Friend's House
were single mothers, many of them refugees from the Children of
God and from other religious cults, mostly sects with sexual
overtones and many with habitual sexual abuse. They were
therefore especially sensitive to the needs and feelings and
attitudes of their own offspring, and to their sexual readiness.
It is true that the most common age for first sex for girls was
13 and for boys 13-1/2 or 14. (In fact, I was under 12 when I
first became sexually active.) Impotence doesn't seem to have
been a factor, even at girls' coming out parties, where the boy
would be under a good deal of scrutiny by the girl's mom and a
few of her friends as he deflowered her. Of course there was a
whole minuet to that, and the girl would be taking his penis into
her mouth first, and then he would be kissing and licking her
clitoris and her vagina and by the time he inserted he penis she
would be so wet and lubricated that the importance of a really
stiff penis would be in case her hymen needed strong pressure to
pierce it.

Conceptually, a boy who is gay might be expected to demur at the
final moment. But in fact gay and lesbian offspring would only
rarely reach the stage of a planned public sexual event. There
were many dropouts from Mom's Friend's House -- mostly not on
account of sexuality or the lack of it but because Mom's Friend
welcomed so many women with children for other reasons too: as a
refuge from abuse for example. The only requirement was that they
had to have some background in sexual liberalism and an interest
in passing that liberal attitude to their children. There were
two other criteria that applied to boys: they had to be, or
become, circumcised and they had to be sponsored by a girl. But
for a boy who was sexually and intellectually attractive to us,
sponsorship was not a real barrier; the point of that requirement
was just to manage the gender balance and really it was used more
often as an excuse to justify an arbitrary appraisal.

As always, I can offer an example.

My Mom was a member of a women's discussion and self-help group
at which mothers could resolve, or try to resolve, issues
relating to their own or others' sexual abuse by religious
workers and teachers and others in loco parentis. Through one of
the women at a meeting she was introduced to one of those many
mothers who, themselves very involved in sexual exchanges and
family openness, had worries about her son. Apparently she had
several times arranged sleepovers for him with girls and he had
failed, or been unable, to consummate sex. Yet she knew he was
capable of an erection because she often saw him in the mornings
with an erection that he would scarcely try to hide.

Inasmuch as, two years prior, I had seduced dozens of virginal
boys on the houseboat, Mom proposed that he should meet me.
Eventually a date was fixed for him (aged barely 14) and his
nearly-13-year-old sister, herself already sexually active, to
visit Mom's Friend's House. Mom supposed that in due course to
two adolescents might join us regularly. The only possible
impediment was the religious teachings that underpinned our
sexual liberalism: the whole point of sex at the cusp of puberty
is to bring an adolescent closer to Jesus -- to an understanding
that the sharing of semen constitutes quite literally the sharing
of the body and blood of Christ. To us, sexuality, and more
especially sexual expression witnessed by family and friends,
represents the highest form of religious devotion. Arousal -- and
erection -- show the presence of God. Orgasm rewards us for our
devotion and our sharing.

Mom invited the mother to visit Mom's Friend's House to see if
our beliefs and practices were consistent with hers, and whether
she perceived any risk of trouble because while she and her
children had embraced a culture of family nudity while the kids
were small, when they approached puberty her kids resisted the
practice. Mom thought that this sudden embarrassment and modesty
were evidence of a failure to have taught the essence of sexual
liberalism, and of sex as a religion. While it is generally
difficult, even impossible, to recruit average mainstream kids
into a sexually liberal way of life, the background of these kids
-- having seen their mom and her boyfriends nude and aroused and
having been used to going about nude (albeit in an immature
condition) -- Mom thought that they might be brought around to
our way of life. That they might more easily accept that having
sex with multiple partners on successive days in front of friends
and family serves as a sharing of love and faith and a
reinforcement of commitment to Jesus. You can't be sure, really,
how a stranger will view our sexual freedoms, or our parties and
our coming out events. For the mother at least, the sight of
teens frolicking in an uninhibited way was refreshing and she was
willing to take the chance. I think that it was the aspect of
feminist control over sexual relations and relationships that
swayed her in the matter. As it happened, she had a glimpse of
one girl's coming out: of the two mothers -- of the boy and of
the girl -- presiding over the girl's first physical encounter
with a penis, with oral sex, with orgasm and ejaculation: with
defloration. The sight of adolescent penis sliding into
adolescent vagina made wet and eager by the boy's romantic
kissing and licking, the penis going in only at the point where
the girl is already on the verge of orgasm, has always brought
tears to mothers and friends.

So Mom had the two kids and their mother meet me and a boy I
selected as a date for the sister at a local restaurant, a
regional fast-food chain. The idea was to make sure of our
compatibility before exposing Mom's Friend's House to the
scrutiny of those who might find fault with it, and bear witness
to the authorities in a way that could put us in danger.

The boy I brought along was -- deliberately -- chosen from what I
would call the "B list". There was no point in intimidating the
brother by making him compete -- to have sex in tandem with his
sister -- against an athletic type, a drop-dead gorgeous boy with
the best of all possible penises. The boy I chose was one of
those reasonably attractive, if a bit overweight, types. With a
nice, but not overly impressive, penis; a reliable erection, a
fondness for oral sex and an eagerness to assure his date an
orgasm.

I wasn't sure how much the mother had told her kids about our way
of life. I knew very well how to handle adolescent boys. If I can
get a boy interested in my breasts I can eventually disarm him,
explore his body and enjoy his penis. Except for trying to
establish some sexual electricity between the son and me, and the
daughter and my supply boy, this meeting was just talk. With my
usual innocent (and yet blunt) manner, I managed to elicit the
kids sexual past. That the girl had had sex a few times, with the
sons of various friends and acquaintances of her mother. Her
mom's strategy had been to have her to share a bed with boys as
often as possible, almost from the first appearance of pubic hair
and within a few months the inevitable defloration happened.

Unfortunately when the same thing was tried with her son, bedding
him with daughters of friends, nothing happened. Hence the
mother's eagerness to try something more direct. It is open to
argument whether, if her fear was that her son might not be, or
grow up to be, fully heterosexual, whether any pressure put on
him to have sex with a girl at age 13 or 14 would change
anything. I suspect, though, that boys' having early access to
vaginas does have a positive impact in two ways: it makes
masturbation redundant, and it encourages a potentially bisexual
boy to have sex with girls. There must be some role for
conditioning in that. It is certainly my observation and
experience that early and frequent spontaneous sex in tandem with
friends and siblings doing likewise goes a long way to banishing
false modesty, inhibitions, and adolescent neuroses. Of course
that goal is best accomplished by exposing children from an early
age to the sight of adolescents at sex. A girl who has always
known that a penis belongs in a girl's mouth and vagina, and that
a girl can delight in the taste of semen will look forward to her
bodily changes and will want to start her sexual life early. And
she will probably not resist her mother's advice and guidance --
the more so if she has seen her mom making love to penises and
anticipating ejaculation with delight and devotion.

On that basis, and following our initial meetings, the mother
brought her two children to Mom's Friend's House for a pool
party. I had made it clear that we were always topless at our
pool, and so that, at least, was no surprise. But Mom's Friend
had suggested that Rev. X be there too. Rev X, as readers of
these essays will know, was behind much of Mom's Friend's
theology of sex. He had a convincing manner, and there were few
females older than 18 who had not played with his penis one or
more times. I have written how, on my 18th birthday, he managed
to seduce even me, although I would not, afterwards, take his
penis into my mouth. It's just that you can't help feeling at the
particular moment that his erect penis is offered to you -- with
all those soft and holy words -- represents some Divine urge and
that its ejaculation will give you an immediate blessing of
specially holy semen.

They arrived at the pool and met Rev. X and right away fell under
his spell. I don't know what the mother had told them, or really
very much about the role of sex in their growing up. But it was
obvious that the mother had instantly adopted our guiding
principle that parents have a responsibility to observe their
adolescent children's early sexual experiences and to provide
guidance and protection from coercion and abuse, and assurance of
pleasure and safety.

I was the first to disrobe and enter the pool. The boy and girl
at first did not respond; my Mom urged them on and they seemed to
have no trouble undressing to their underpants. By this time Mom,
Rev. X and their mother were nude. Their other whispered
something into her daughter's ear and she took off her panties,
but she then couldn't escape from the urge for modesty and she
covered her pubic area with her two hands. Her brother,
meanwhile, stared alternately at me and at his sister. The two
women and Rev. X were now in the pool and Rev. X was engaging the
mother in animated conversation. I called to the boy to come in
the water and he turned around, took off his underpants, and slid
into the pool in such a way that his penis remained hidden. His
sister, left alone on the pool deck, finally followed him into
the water. The boy I had selected for her immediately joined her.


We played for some time with a water polo ball, and it served to
break the ice. There was a good deal of touching. I made sure to
stay close to my target boy and to keep him thinking about me
and, I hoped, about my vagina. Rev. X had his hands all over the
kids' mother and she seemed to be enjoying it. He invited her out
of the pool, and we could see his huge erection which he soon
pressed against her back, holding his hands on her breasts and
watching us, intermittently kissing her deeply. Then his hands
were at her crotch, caressing her clitoris: she seemed to welcome
his advances because she kept her legs enough apart to give him
easy access. And at the same time she was, by words and gestures
and attitude, encouraging her children to let themselves become
aroused and excited. Her daughter and the daughter's partner were
seated and chatting; the next time I looked the boy was admiring
her breasts and his hand was on her leg, approaching her thigh.
And there was apprehension on the girl's face.

The boy had spread his legs a bit, and his penis was no longer
flaccid. I could see -- I know these things -- that he wanted to
attract her attention to it, and that she was trying not to
notice. But aware that her mother and the rest of us wanted her
to notice. About this time Rev. X started embracing and kissing
the girl's mother, and the boy took that as a signal to kiss the
girl; before long his hands were all over her breasts but she
dared not protest. And then his hand squeezed between her thighs.
And she seemed to give up the protest and any attempt to resist.
He stroked her clitoris; her hand surrounded his penis.

(Later on, one of the girl's friends and the friend's mother
would sneer that overnight the girl had turned from being nice to
being an obvious tart. But they were not only cruel but wrong:
they did not know or care to know God's plan and the coincidence
of the pleasure rush of orgasm with biological and theological
law; nor the true meaning of puberty and its attendant human and
personal rights.)

Soon the boy's face was at the daughter's vagina. She looked
around for guidance; we were all watching and all smiling --
except for her brother who looked embarrassed. Rev. X said
something about the promise of delight and that the key to
delight was mutuality and that the penis was God's instrument. I
told her that what this all meant was that she should get to the
point and play with her boy's penis. She said something about
never having touched a penis before, that it was always the boy's
job to see to things. My answer to that was simply that no girl
ever got an orgasm without looking after her own interests. But
that this boy was guaranteed to make her happy and that she
really should start by kissing his penis. Now the boy had
separated her labia and his tongue was at her vagina. But he
didn't stay kneeling for long.

Soon he was standing in front of her and offering his penis to
her mouth and she was hypnotically entranced. Her mom and I,
almost in unison, told her to open her mouth and she did. She
seemed to know what to do next and I got close to her and said
that she should look alternately at the penis and at her
partner's face and try to match her cadence to his pleasure.
After a while, with the penis moving in and out and occasionally
revealing its head to us. It had taken only seconds for her to be
a hesitant, regretful innocent to a girl who enjoyed and
understood the power she holds over the (respectful, kind) boy
whose penis is in her mouth. The boy guided her; she followed our
instructions and looked alternately at penis and eyes. I told her
again to watch her cadence. And Rev. X was intoning something
soothing and confidence-building. At a certain point I told her
to expect a rush of semen, to be careful with it, to let it sit
in her mouth and not to stop stroking the penis with tongue and
lips until her boy was completely finished.

Despite the warning, the boy's ejaculation surprised her. I knew
he tended to ejaculate a lot, and he did: semen seeped out of her
mouth and she was unsure how to deal with that. I told her not to
swallow it all just yet, to leave some in her mouth while the boy
returned to her vagina. He worked slowly, and we could see his
tongue finding its way in the tunnel and his lips kissing her
clitoris. Then there was a constant stroking of that clitoris
and, in due course, a shrieked acknowledgment from her. The boy's
penis was fully erect and in accordance with our custom that
meant it should have at least a few strokes in her vagina. We
helped her to take a lovemaking position where her vagina looked
its most beautiful and the gorgeous penis went inside. Now the
brother was curious, and his face was up close as the penis moved
in and out. But his own penis was as flaccid as ever.

When the  boy finished, I told the brother that it was his turn;
and could see he was worried about performing. I told him not to
worry. Neither the size nor the stiffness of his penis would
matter: we would have fun and his mom and his sister would
witness it. I had him lie back and my mouth was over his penis. I
held his scrotum with one hand and the base of his penis with the
other and I licked and kissed his penis, flicking my tongue on
its underside. Then I began moving my head up and down, stroking
his penis lightly with my lips. It helped a little; the penis was
now not so soft. It measured maybe two inches around and six in
length -- but those are just guesses. It looked lovely above the
scrotum and the black pubic hair and told him so. But first he
had to make my vagina ready, the way the boy had readied his
sister's. I lay back and had the boy duplicate what had been done
to his sister. Now it was his sister's turn to look from close
by. My Mom said some encouraging words. I know, more or less, how
to hurry my climax and it didn't take long to happen and I pulled
the boy up by his shoulders, moved my legs way apart and back,
and with a little help from the sister stuffed his penis into my
vagina -- which was now dilated and wet enough so that despite
its softness it went in easily. The boy felt the joy and
satisfaction of the first time. I told him to find his own pace,
and said that if he stopped and rested for a few seconds every so
often his penis would get harder. That's a matter as much of
psychological unblocking and dissipating anxiety as of blood
flow. After a few minutes his penis did, in fact, get reasonably
hard. But it took him a very long time to reach orgasm. When he
did, I could tell that the weight of worry had dropped from his
shoulders and his loins. His penis was out of my vagina, yet it
was still stiff. I sat up ad grasped it and began to kiss and
lick and suck at it to enjoy what semen was there. And Rev. X
told him to do the same to me: to show his gratitude by kissing
and licking my vagina again.

Rev. X's point is a good one: if you can condition a 12- or
13-year-old boy to have no shame or hesitation to tasting and
ingesting his own semen, then you help him to appreciate the
essence of sex as a religious experience -- with semen as the
medium, the host, of God's message.

By now, Rev. X's penis was in the boys mother's mouth. Rev. X's
big, hairy penis made a contrast to the petite, gentle woman. I
couldn't tell whether oral sex was in her normal repertory or
not; perhaps she had learned from what she had seen her offspring
doing. But she approached the penis eagerly enough and we could
see pleasure on Rev. X's face. It couldn't have been more than
five minutes before he ejaculated and semen dribbled down her
chin. And then he was at her vagina. But he took a soixante-neuf
position above her, so his penis dangled at her face and every so
often she would lick at it; and finally she took it into her
mouth again. And his tongue continued to stimulate her clitoris,
to explore her vagina; then he put his mouth over her entire
vaginal area and we couldn't see anymore what, exactly, he was
doing. Except that her pleasure, and then her climax, were
obvious.

I felt bad that my Mom hadn't had a partner for sex that day.
When one of the college students, a former regular, wandered by
the house, I asked him to make her happy. I think it made Mom
feel important as well as good for a Chippendale-worthy blond boy
with a lovely penis to make love to her, starting with oral sex
as foreplay and then piercing her vagina so sensually and filling
her with semen that would drip from her vagina for the rest of
the afternoon.

But the point I want to make here is that the boy's impotence was
a temporary aberration, caused by apprehension of possible
failure and fear of inadequacy on account of size. Those are
issues I had to deal with all the time when I seduced 12- and
even 11-year-old boys at the houseboat when I myself was 12 years
old, but blessed with what people thought was a great figure:
sturdy, good-sized breasts and pubic hair that I never shaved.
For people to think, and to argue, that any guilt or shame can
attack to a girl arousing a penis to stiffness and taking it into
her body and consuming its semen is one of the great shames of
all those false religions and hypocritical political movements
throughout the ages. Indeed it is brought to parody by Muslims
with their covering-up and their purdah. I look forward to a time
when communal, and family, tandem sex will be unexceptional, when
a father and mother can attend a daughter's defloration the way
mothers have done at Mom's Friend's House. And been proud to see
their daughter grown up all of a sudden, knowing a penis and
feeling the blessing of semen as a First Communion.

It is, in short, refreshing, lovely and religiously inspiring
when one can observer in public a boy and a girl, meeting at
random as members of the same closed circle of safe partners,
flirting, becoming mutually aroused, embracing and taking the
process to its inevitable conclusion within one's field of
vision: mutual orgasm and exchange of bodily fluids, both thanks
to divine presence and participation. The family side of this
would come to bear in future years as this brother and sister,
and a few other siblings and cousins too, would take pride in
displays of tandem sex at our nude dance parties. Typically
brother and sister, each with his and her own partner, would
engage in mutual oral sex and try for a display of a fountain of
semen streaming down a penis and sucked back into the girl's
mouth. But when I was part of such an exhibit I liked just as
much to have my vagina high and on display and the boy's
ejaculation timed so that, at withdrawal, semen streamed at my
vagina and he then re-inserted his penis to draw out the last
drops. Not every boy can ejaculate that way without
contemporaneous physical stimulation, but many can and I think it
is an inspiration to anyone watching close up. A visualization of
God's miracle. And, as I like to call it, a renewable resource if
not perpetual motion.

(As I've said before, one can always spot the young man or woman
who's grown up in Mom's Friend's environment. Regardless of
physical beauty, there is sensuousness and pride of body, pride
of potential. Clothed with flirty, thoughtful smile and positive,
confident attitude, or even more so seated nude with (typically)
legs a bit apart the way Mom's Friend taught, so that vagina or
penis are highlighted and proud. The kind of competition that
makes girls catty and jealous and spiteful in so many places is
neutralized by confidence born of orgasm as a right, independent
of anything but romance itself, and faith.)

When I was a little girl, Mom used to talk about the significance
and the adult pleasure of a "stream of semen" and sometimes she
would invite me to watch. It was only when I was invaded by
hormones at age 11 that I really understood, however. But the
preconditioning must have been a factor in finding that I liked
to control it and to show it off to others and try to arouse them
to a state of sexual urgency. I know that porn stars try to
duplicate, or simulate, this but they rarely succeed: they are
too bland. "Amateur porn" (an oxymoron if there ever was one,
since noncommercial sex can hardly be "porn") is closer to the
fact. It a fact that society welcomes nudity, and sometimes even
sex, as art. At the extremes are paintings such as "Dejeuner sur
l'Herbe" and "Equus", Tom Stoppard's play that recently ran in
London (and that I saw, believe it or not, with one of my
professional colleagues when we were there for a conference:
http://tinyurl.com/2zo6mw ("Everybody Loves Harry Potter's Naked
Penis") and "9 Songs" a film that aspires to be mainstream and
which may or may not be just an excuse for public displays of
streaming semen to a mainstream audience. Of course "Caligula"
beat it by some decades, but that's another story. (Unfortunately
-- and I add this only because somebody asked me -- we weren't
seated close enough to the stage for me to see whether Daniel R.
is circumcised or not.)

In mainstream life, it is often supposed and often pretended that
a mother takes pride in her daughter's virginity. (Bronwen
Lichtenstein, "Virginity Discourse in the AIDS Era: A Case
Analysis of Sexual Initiation Aftershock", NWSA Journal 12.2
(2000) 52-69.
http://tinyurl.com/37zgr3
It is not only a double standard but a gross violation of female
personal autonomy and rights that anyone -- preacher, politician,
parent -- should pretend that a girl or woman is demeaned by a
penis entering her body other than for the purpose of
procreation. (I suppose you know that the anti-abortion lobby
really wants to ban contraception too, and that it wants to
punish women for their sexuality, just as those Texas legislators
refused Texas teens access to vaccine against cervical cancer.
(Similarly, nobody is stressing the importance of circumcising
baby boys to help protect their future partners from cancer.)

And reality is anyway often quite different. Mom is jealous: she
wants to be there for the event and see the penis enter vagina. A
marriage ceremony is a substitute, a proxy, for that. And quite
apart from that "mystical relationship" between a mother and her
son's penis that I have so often remarked on, the vicarious joy
that a mother can get from seeing her daughter bring a penis to
ejaculation is too obvious to deny. The story is different as to
fathers, because there the embarrassment at personal arousal from
a daughter's playing with a penis can disrupt the parental role.
I've known many fathers who could rise above this: Terrific
Girl's father, a single parent -- like many men in his position
who had to minister to a daughter through her sexual development
and awakening -- was happy to see his daughter nude, and happy to
see her taking the initiative with a boy and having his penis in
her mouth, and showing off her vagina and her orgasm, and all the
rest. But in the past I've mentioned fathers who saw their
daughters at sex during our nude dance parties and, at least in
one case, could only be restrained by Older Girl's intervention
-- quickly flirting with him and doing to his what he had seen
his daughter do to some boy's penis. (The problem does not arise
in a family situation, because there the father certainly is
within reach of orgasm when his daughter begins her flirting. And
the issue doesn't arise either with a son making love to an
unrelated girl, or perhaps to a cousin. It's a father-daughter
thing, the inverse or reciprocal, I guess, of that mother-son's
penis relationship. I think it merits more academic study than it
has had thus far.)

Love,
Carol


Note: my Angelfire Web site has been dismantled -- not through my
doing -- and I can't rebuild it because between my job, my
boyfriend and my ailing Mom I no longer have the free time I once
had. I am trying to recover some of the few essays that were
published there but not ever submitted to ASSM, and I'll will
submit them too ASSM for archiving Most of the links will not be
recoverable. A listing by Google of all available essays is here:
http://snipr.com/cobillardindex
When I have recovered as many documents and links as I can, they
will be posted here:
http://snipr.com/cobillarddocs




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