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Subject: {ASSM} Bare For The Bureaucrats
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Date: Mon, 07 May 2007 18:10:01 -0400
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                                  BARE  FOR  THE  BUREAUCRATS

My wife Julia has no more liking for embarrassing experiences at the
hands of the medical profession, than do most people; it's been her
bad luck that - we being British citizens and residents, thus not
greatly beleaguered in the main by an officious "healthcare
establishment" - an unusually large number of them have come her way,
mostly in the earlier parts of her life.

The greatest single factor for her in this, has been things work-
related. Before we met, she worked for a number of years as a
secretary for one of the United Nations' philanthropic-and-relief
agencies - let's call this one, ("alphabet soup" being such outfits'
stock-in-trade) "ABC". Big international bureaucracies have, for
whatever reasons, a tendency towards a preventive-health fixation, and
ABC was, certainly at the time of Julia's employment with them (late
1970s to 1980s) out in front in this league. Her application to work
for the undertaking - approved on all other fronts - was subject to a
pre-employment medical examination which was for her, then aged
twenty, by far the most all-encompassing and humiliating of such,
which she had experienced in her life thus far.

I find "the medically rude", rather a sexual turn-on - but in that,
I'm in a small minority of the world's population overall. I haven't
"come out of the closet" to Julia and fully confessed it - but I take
it that she's picked up intimations that this is the way I feel; and
it hasn't caused her to sue me for divorce,    or recognisably pee her
of on any lesser scale --  so I count my blessings. She's mostly
bashful and not very forthcoming about things in this area; but now
and again, unpredictably, she gets into confiding mode about such
stuff, and when she does, I take advantage to the max, and think, as
the bloke said in the book, "Lick up the honey, stranger, and ask no
questions."

Concerning her "pre-employment" for ABC, she told me, in a rare candid
moment, "among much else, the first time I'd ever had anything - doc's
finger, in this instance --  put up my bottom. Horribly embarrassing,
and uncomfortable, and while it was happening, I was quite convinced
that I was doing 'number two's', and that there'd be brown smelly
lumps on the couch, and that the doctor would be very cross with me."

"I don't know this from first-hand experience," I'd replied  (her
rejoinder was, "Mark - your sex are so lucky, I hate them"), "but I
gather that in such a situation, that's how it feels when - er - the
intruder is in; but in fact it doesn't happen."

"That's how it was," she said. "I was so pleased to find that I hadn't
actually poo'd, that that took away for me, some of the misery about
the whole situation."

"Silver linings found, rather often," I remarked.

"Job, as in the Old Testament, would have been over the moon about
you," she rejoined.

At all events, Julia passed her pre-employment medical with flying
colours, and took up her position with ABC, at heir base in
Switzerland.  Heaven only knows how, in the course of many years of
working there, she didn't meet and marry some lovely and extremely
eligible guy - but she didn't; and ultimately, it was not-wonderfully-
eligible me, that she settled on. Gift horses' teeth not to be too
closely scrutinised to find out whether the animal concerned is
actually older and more decrepit than the donor has made it out to be;
that's how I feel about the way it's come about for us, and I
apologise for any unintended seeming to liken my gorgeous Julia, to an
ageing and wearing-out horse.

A thing which went with her job with ABC - equally applicable, I
gather, to everyone in that agency's employ - was an obligatory annual
medical examination, " to make sure that" - or just "because" - or
merely to put irritation into the employee's life - anyway, it was
mandatory, short of appalling trouble contesting it, and most people
(including my darling Jules) reckoned that life was too short, just
let them get on with it - plus, Julia reluctantly saw the sense in the
proposition that regular check-ups can head off possible bad things
--  short-term humiliation thus traded for long-term advantage.

On the whole, Julia found ABC good to work for; but bureaucracies do
as they please, and what they do is, rather often, not particularly
considerate toward their "clients". Julia's annual medicals were
usually scheduled to take place during her (generous) periods of leave
back home in Britain; a thing which basically wiped out a day of her
holiday, and cast a bit of a blight for her, over that particular
holiday spell. It had to be done by ABC's own doctor, at their
nominated venue. Nearly all her exams under ABC's aegis followed very
much the same pattern. They were quite lengthy, and thorough. Some
concessions were made to examinee-modesty; at the start, she had to
undress to her underwear, but after that, removal of bra was required
only for "stething", and breast examination. Afterwards, it could be
put back on; and likewise, knickers had to be taken off only for the
concluding phase of the business, involving investigation "down
below".

This always included a cervical smear test - a procedure which my poor
wife has always loathed ("it feels nearly as horrid as period pains,"
she reports). Nonetheless, nowadays she conscientiously turns up when
summoned for a smear, while thanking God that with the way things are
in these times with our country's National Health Service, this thing
takes place only every three years.  The first smear test of her life,
happened in her pre-employment exam for ABC.  In the course of the
exam, it was established that she was a virgin ("and the questioning
about that, was embarrassing enough in itself," she told me) - so a
virginal speculum was used for the test. Thus it continued throughout
her time with ABC - Julia is a rather old-fashioned lady, and was a
virgin, at the age of 34, when we married.  Every exam during her
employment with this outfit included, as well as the smear, a pelvic -
modified to respect her basically intact status; a consequence of
this, was much investigation via the alternative route of her back
passage (plus, checking thereon in its own right).  I've always felt
this to be a ghastly "you can't win" situation for women - - if they
want to "save themselves for their husband" or whatever, then if they
wish to have their "down-below health" watched over -- or get same
enforced on them - while they're virgins, then they have to endure a
lot of stuff, disagreeable in the head and / or in the body, being
done via the orifice out of which they defecate.  Unless a woman is
barmy the particular way I am - plus, finds the shitting process a
turn-on, rather than a regrettable and somewhat disgusting necessity -
who'd be a woman?

Bureaucracies, as we've said - twice, Julia's "annual" was scheduled,
unusually, to take place when she was working, in Switzerland. She's
remarked that she would rather that that had always been how it was
done; but, full circle, bureaucracies and bureaucrats... The first time
that this was "the way of it", her exam was administered by a
charming, and highly proper, Swiss male doctor, who spoke excellent
English - everything that happened, followed the standard pattern for
her "annuals".  The second time, however, that things went this way...
she went to the same venue where her previous one in Switzerland had
taken place, and found that her examiner was a woman - seemingly in
her forties, she told me, quite good-looking, but "solidly built".
What came about at this appointment: the first thing that happened,
was the vision test, which Julia was allowed to do clothed - then, the
doctor said to her, "undress, please - everything." Julia was a bit
taken aback; but in such situations, one usually feels, "they know
what they're doing - who am I to object?"  And she duly took all her
clothes off - and the entire exam from there on, was conducted with
Julia completely naked.  At an early stage, the doctor handed her the
traditional little container, and requested her to go into the small
toilet cubicle immediately adjacent to the exam room, and produce her
urine sample. Naked Julia did so - she had a lot more wee waiting to
be evacuated, than was needed to fill the vial, and she felt acutely
embarrassed sitting on the loo and dealing with that matter, knowing
that the doctor - only feet away - could hear everything that was
going on.

Subsequently, exam proceeded as per normal - nude Jules sat on the
couch, and eyes / nose / ears / mouth were inspected - then neck and
lymph nodes, arms and armpits - followed, the stethoscope job, front -
breasts being lifted up and moved around - then back. Everything went
along the lines that she'd become used to, except that at all other
exams, minimal modesty had been seen to - but here, it was "starkers-
rudy-bare" from the outset, with which Julia didn't feel at all
comfortable.

The doctor was a pleasantly chatty sort - speaking excellent English -
she was more accomplished on that scene, than Julia might have wished.
As she did things to my darling, she made various comments. When -
near kick-off - my naked lovely was weighed, the doctor commented that
she was a little overweight for her size (Julia is tiny - five-feet-
nothing in her socks, which usually she's anyway had to take off for
medicals), and that that could tend not to be attractive. Impertinent
bitch, thought Julia, that's none of your business.  Later on, in
course of breast examination, doctor remarked that Julia's breasts
(big, for her size - I totally love them) were a bit floppy, and she
suggested exercises which Julia might do, to tauten them. Never
happened - and with Julia having breast-fed our two children, it's now
a case of "floppy squared and cubed" - and I adore feeling them and
moving them about in all directions... and when she bends over, bare-to-
the-waist or completely bare - oh my!

The Swiss lady doctor's comments were not totally negative - after
investigating Julia very thoroughly and uncomfortably down below, she
delivered herself of the opinion that my dearest's reproductive organs
were in excellent shape. She wasn't wrong there - we married later in
life than is usually reckoned ideal, if you want to have children; but
that notwithstanding, Julia conceived very easily and promptly. The
whole having-kids business, brought to her, embarrassing clinical
stuff which caused anything that had come her way in ABC's employ to
pale into insignificance - she's a sensible lass, and reckons that
short of things in the former-Yugoslavia league, life's too short to
brood on unpleasant-but-surviveable experiences.  Her experience with
the lady doctor in Switzerland, as recounted to me, caused me to ask
(trying to be supportive) whether she had considered making a
complaint about the matter, to her employers.  She answered that the
idea had crossed her mind - the happening had been, overall, not one
to like - but she'd rejected the notion. She's big on the British
"stiff-upper-lip" thing (our conversation about her Swiss-lady-doc
episode brought to my mind that her upper lip wasn't the only British
item that was getting stiff), and hates to be thought of as a "crybaby
and complainer". Aside from un-called-for aspects as already
recounted, at her appointment, the doctor was extremely kind and
gentle - and Julia's feeling was, "maybe the lady is gay, and gets a
bit of low-key pleasure from doing beyond-necessary rude things to
women, in the course of her job - but it's fairly trivial stuff, and
basically she was totally nice. One hears about a very few doctors,
who do truly nastily abuse patients - sense of proportion, is in
order." My sweet darling wife is very charitable - more than I find
myself able to be, without great difficulty.

Anyway, she's back over here now - and the more medically rude stuff
which comes her way, the more (covert) pleasure I take in it. She hit
the age of fifty a couple of years ago, and following therefrom, she
gets for a while, via the N.H.S., routine mammograms, as well as
routine smear tests. She gripes about the embarrassment of all this -
"rudely investigated up top, as well as down below" - I make
sympathetic noises, while thinking, "if you were like me, you'd love
the double whammy - compensation for turning fifty". I shouldn't
complain: though we're now in our fifties, she makes no bother about
my doing rude things to her up top and down below - seems, in fact, to
enjoy it as much as ever. She puts great emphasis on my getting my
situation prostate-wise, checked out - well, fair's fair, and it's no
hardship for me, especially when carried out by an attractive female
practice nurse...

-- 
Pursuant to the Berne Convention, this work is copyright with all rights
reserved by its author unless explicitly indicated.
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