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Message-ID: <54927asstr$1164751802@assm.asstr-mirror.org>
From: Shalon Wood <dstar@pele.cx>
Subject: {ASSM} Sonuachara 8 (ff rom teen)
Lines: 680
Date: Tue, 28 Nov 2006 17:10:02 -0500
Path: assm.asstr-mirror.org!not-for-mail
Approved: <assm@asstr-mirror.org>
Newsgroups: alt.sex.stories.moderated,alt.sex.stories
Followup-To: alt.sex.stories.d

Standard disclaimers apply; this story may or may not contain, in any
given part, graphic depictions of lesbianism, homosexuality, group sex,
bdsm, underage (teen) sex, magic, occultism, violence, and biting 
sarcasm.  If you're underage, or if for any other reason it's illegal 
for you to read this, or you're disturbed by the content, please don't 
read it.

Archived at http://prudence.pele.cx, and we've got a web-forum at
http://playground.pele.cx/forums as well, for discussion of both
Prudence and our other stories.

Comments *greatly* appreciated.

Enjoy,

Velvet
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Zoe looked around the clearing; it was empty, save for signs of a fire in
the center. "Good. This looks private," she said, sitting
down,cross-legged, hands still stuffed into her pockets. She lapsed into
awkward silence, staring at the burned spot on the ground. 

Finally, she sighed and pulled out a cigarette, staring at it for a bit
before lighting it, conscious of Trina's silent presence across from her.
"You know why I smoke these?" she asked. 

"No," Trina said, shaking her head.

Zoe smiled, just a bit. "Started out trying to get over being afraid of
fire. Didn't work perfectly, but at least I no longer break out in a cold
sweat and feel like I'm going to piss my pants if someone lights up a
fireplace."

She looked into the darkness, feeling Trina's wide-eyed gaze. "I don't
remember much about being a little kid. I've got a picture I think is my
Mom. The one in my file is kinda little and blurry, but looks like the one
I've got, I think. I remember she liked cats, and she made things—
quilts and little pillows and clothes and stuff— and she'd try to
sell it. My dad... drank. A lot. He was gone most nights, and she'd cry and
sew and cry and sew. Sometimes he'd come home drunk, and start screaming at
her, and then she'd just cry. For days,sometimes." She sighed. "She wasn't
a bad mother, I don't think, she was just... weak. Couldn't handle things.
Then one night he didn't come back. Got in a fight with some guy at the bar
over a prostitute, got his worthless ass knifed... that's what the file
says, anyway; I didn't have a clue at the time. She just cried and cried
and then one day while I was taking a nap, she left and I never saw her
again.They came and took me and told me she was dead."

Trina bit her lip, shifting uncomfortably. "I'm sorry."

"It was a long time ago," Zoe said. "And like I said... I don't really
remember. Even with everything, it wasn't a bad time.  I wasn't abused, or
starved, or even yelled at. She killed herself, though. Because even as bad
as he was, she couldn't bring herself to live without him, and I wasn't an
important enough reason for her to try."

"I'm sorry," Trina said again, helplessly.

Zoe shrugged again, drawing her knees up and wrapping her arms around them.
"Like I said... it was a long time ago. After that, I bounced around a bit.
First place they stuck me, I thought it was great for about a week. Then
they caught me reading. Apparently it's'unnatural' for a kid that age to
read, so it had to be the work of the devil. Whatever. Couple of other
places that were okay... nothing really memorable, and I wasn't allowed to
stay anyplace long. It was actually a few years before I ended up anywhere
really _bad_."	She fell silent, staring down at the ground.

"I was ten when I learned not to cry. Crying's what they want. Never give
them what they want. That was also the first time I ran away." She looked
up, staring off into the dark with a dreamy look on her face. "It was
_great_. I was so totally free. And it was so fucking _easy_ compared to
what... was happening at home. Plenty of places in the city to hide at
night, and during the day... well, it was easy for a cute, skinny kid with
big eyes to cadge a few bucks. I started making connections... made a deal
with some bigger kids, and they looked out for me and I split my take.
Hell, I could always come up with enough to buy us all dollar burgers from
McDonald's.  They kept finding me and taking me back, though. I couldn't
just run and go back where I was... had to start over every damned time.
Learned the city damned well, though. Made some friends who taught me to
fight.Next time they took me back, I wasn't so easy to hurt, and I did just
what one of my friends told me... I threatened to cut his dick off in his
sleep if he touched me again. They couldn't get me out of their house fast
enough after that."

Trina was pale, but steady. "I'm sorry you had to go through that."

Zoe sighed. "None of the other places were as bad as that one. A few of
them beat me, or tried to starve me, or were just assholes,but... not that
bad. And if it got too bad, I would run. Got to where I could go months
without getting caught." She smiled, a vicious gleam in her eyes. "And me
and some of my friends came up with a way to make enough money to keep us
comfortable. A way that made up for things, at least a bit. I'd be the
bait, you see. Down on the meat walk, right after sunset. I was thirteen,
but looked ten. Any john who took the bait was guaranteed to be a monster.
So I'd lead him into the alley for his $10 blowjob, and my boys would jump
him and beat the living shit out of him. That kind -- the kind who expects
to get away with it -- usually had a nice, fat wallet. And what could he do
about it -- run to the cops and admit he got rolled by a ten-year-old
whore?"

"Did you...did you ever have to _do_ it?" Trina asked.

Zoe shuddered.	"No. A bit of groping was the worst that happened... one
guy tried to drag me into his car, too, but I stuck a knife in his arm and
he let me go. Fucker got away, though, before the guys could get him."

Trina shivered. "I'm glad you got away."

Zoe swallowed hard. "Yeah. Me too. I doubt he intended me to live through
whatever he had planned."  She shuddered. "Anyway, it went like that for a
long time... me running if it got too rough, and them eventually picking me
up and putting me somewhere else. Usually, the families I got stuck with
were either childless, or had teenagers or grown kids. Then, a couple years
ago, they placed me with a couple who had a kid. It was strange from the
very beginning. The couple was... weird. Neither of them worked. I don't
know what they lived on, like, an inheritance of some kind, I think. But
they were both almost always home. And they both totally ignored the kid. I
mean _totally_. They didn't feed her, didn't talk to her, didn't even ever
_mention_ her. For a week, I thought she couldn't talk."

Trina blinked. "Not at _all_?"

Zoe shook her head. "It was fucked up. Then one night, I woke up in the
middle of the night, and there was a thunderstorm going on, really nasty
one. She was curled up in bed with me, shaking like she was about to break
apart. I said something like, 'Scared, huh?' and she answered me... 'yes,
please let me stay!'  Well... I'm not heartless. And she was awfully cute.
So after that, she pretty much stayed with me. I made sure she had food,
and took baths, and helped her dress. When she was scared, she came to me.
I taught her to read. Her parents just kept acting like she didn't exist,
and paid barely more attention to me... I was there to do chores, and that
was about it. Suited me pretty well. Then, of course, things changed."

"What happened?"

"I think the money was running out," Zoe said. "He started going out at
night and coming home drunk. He'd yell and scream, and he'd hit Anne, the
woman. She was... crazy... though.  I mean, really, really crazy. She did
whatever he wanted.  If he'd told her to drink drain cleaner, she would
have.  One night, she'd cooked a fancy meal... leg of lamb, stuffed
mushrooms, all sorts of shit, candles and everything... for their
anniversary, I think. Well, he came home and flipped out. Throwing things.
See, it was Thursday. On Thursday, we had tomato soup and crackers. He beat
the shit out of her, then held her hand to the stove to 'teach her a
lesson'. She didn't even fight. Just begged him to forgive her and kept
promising to do better until she passed out. After she woke up, she fixed
his soup with her blistered hand and thanked him for 'correcting' her." 
She sighed and shook her head. "Whatever he did to her, in her head it was
her fault. Whatever he wanted, he _had_ to get. It was about a month before
he got mad at me... something about the way I did the dishes, I think." 
Her jaw clenched, her mouth a tight line.

"He hurt you?" Trina asked.

Zoe laughed bitterly. "Fuck yes. He decided I was too mouthy to suit him.
Then I was too rebellious. Then I had a demon in me, that needed to be beat
out. The reasons got crazier and crazier, but the beatings stayed the same.
One a night, pretty much like clockwork. When a belt didn't work, he moved
to an electrical cord." Her hand went to her face, unconsciously rubbing
the scar that was usually covered by her hair. "Would have been easier to
take if he could aim worth a fuck. But I couldn't run. Even if they weren't
always there, if I left, who'd feed the baby?  Who'd take care of her?	So
I let him beat me. It wasn't as bad as some things, after all. And
sometimes I'd look up, and she'd be there, in the doorway, watching, tears
streaming down her little face. And at night, I'd lay in bed and hurt, and
hold onto her, and she'd cry for me because I couldn't cry myself. But he
never touched her. I swear, he never raised a hand to her... I thought she
was safe. That whatever weird bit of craziness that kept them from 'seeing'
her would keep him from hurting her."

Trina nodded. "That would be logical."

"Yeah. But it was wrong."  Zoe's voice was tight with anguished guilt.
"It'd been about six months; he'd been beating me for three, and was
staying out more and more. He came home one night, so stinking drunk that
he couldn't even hit me— he just passed out. Later, I heard him
screaming at his wife. Saying that the money'd run out, and how was he
going to pay Scalpini?	 Did she _know_ what they'd do to him if he didn't
pay?  And like always, she was offering anything and everything...
promising she'd get the money, that she and the girl — that was me, I
don't think they even knew my name — could go on the street, like she
had before they got the inheritance, to get the money for him, or maybe she
could go straight to Scalpini in trade for the debt. He got real quiet,
then he laughed. I heard him slap her, and call her a stupid bitch...
Scalpini would never want a used up old whore like her. But the girl,
now... that was a thought. He wouldn't mind the scar, he was a pervert, and
she'd have more scars soon enough, anyway. Yeah, if he gave Scalpini such a
nice little gift, then he might even do a bit better than break even. Might
come out a little ahead. And no one would look for her... those kids run
away all the damned time."

Trina stared at her in horror.

Zoe's hands tightened around her knees. "I couldn't handle it. I panicked.
I didn't even think, I just went out the bathroom window and ran like hell.
I didn't go far... just far enough to be safe, someplace I could hide out.
I had to think. I wasn't going to leave her there. I wasn't going to just
abandon her. I decided to stay close, call in anonymously to CPS. If that
didn't work, I'd kidnap her, and wait for Scalpini... whoever that was...
to waste his ass. But I was going to stay close, to watch and see what
happened."

Trina nodded. "That sounds like a reasonable plan."

"Yeah. Reasonable. But he wasn't reasonable. He was fucking crazy."  Zoe's
voice was still tight, and she was trembling. "I don't really know what
happened. I think when he realized I'd ran, he completely lost it. He sent
the woman away -- I don't know why -- and as soon as she was gone, he
grabbed Bren and locked her in a closet. Then he doused the inside of the
house with gasoline. And himself. And lit it."

Trina jerked back, shocked, and almost fell over. "He _what_? Holy fuck!"

"I smelled the smoke first, and I _knew_ it was the house," Zoe said. "I
knew it. I ran, but it was already a fucking inferno. I could hear the
firetrucks coming, but it would have been too late. I couldn't leave her in
there to die. It was _my_ fault. So... I went in. He was thrashing in the
floor, mostly dead and not even recognizable, and I couldn't find her. Fire
was everywhere, and I couldn't see through the smoke, and I called her, but
she didn't answer... couldn't answer. I thought the whole place was going
to go up. Part of the roof caved in, and she screamed. I found her in the
closet, her leg crushed under a burning beam. God..."  She closed her eyes.
"I moved it, somehow. I don't know how. Her leg... there were pieces of
bone sticking out, and bits of flesh stuck to the beam... it was black down
to the bone in places... she wasn't moving, I couldn't tell if she was
breathing... I got her up, and tried to get us out, but the ceiling was
falling in, fire falling through the air... it caught her hair on fire, and
my shirt. I crushed her against my chest, putting her hair out, and ran
like hell... dove out a window, the door was just a sheet of fire."

"The firemen were there, and an ambulance. I'm not sure what happened...
they were trying to take her away from me, but I thought for sure she was
dead, and I wouldn't let go, and then I passed out. I woke up, wrapped in
bandages from neck to waist, with an IV in and hurting like hell, and all I
wanted to do was die. I wasn't sane. I ripped out the IV before they even
knew I was awake, and made it about five feet before I collapsed. Even
then, I fought them. It took five of them to get me back in bed and
sedated, and I kept fighting until one of them had the sense to point to
one of the other beds and tell me Bren was alive. When I woke up again, I
raised hell until they got a wheelchair and took me over to her. She had 16
pins in her leg, burns over 35% of her body, and bruises on the rest. I
stayed by her until she woke up, just a bit. Just enough to look at me and
ask me why I'd left her."

Trina looked at her for a moment, obviously sick. "Thank gods you did."

"_No_. I should never have left her," Zoe said. "I should have known he was
so fucking crazy. I should have stayed and fought, or took her with me, or
_something_."  She shuddered. "I promised her I'd never leave her again.
Never let anyone hurt her. I don't give a damn what it takes, I'm not
breaking those promises. Not after I've already nearly killed her."

Trina shook her head. "No. Thank god you did. If you hadn't, you might not
have been there to help her. If you'd been there when he decided to do it,
don't you think he'd have immobilized you first? Tied you up or something?
And if he'd already given you to that Scalpini person, you wouldn't have
been able to _come_ back. What you did is probably the best thing you could
have done. It meant you were free to come to her rescue when she needed
you."

"No," Zoe insisted. "If I'd gone along with him, I would have been fucked,
yeah. But he wouldn't have had any reason to kill himself. And he would
have gone on ignoring Brenna. She would have had a chance to run away
herself. Or maybe I could have got ahold of a phone. Maybe I could have..."
 She shuddered. "Convinced the guy he could trust me.  Played along enough
that he'd be willing to do me the favor of going ahead ad putting a bullet
through his head."

"Zoe, he'd have ended up broke again, and he'd have snapped," Trina said.
"That last one... maybe. I doubt it, but maybe. But what if he'd _stopped_
not seeing her? He obviously did when he snapped, or he wouldn't have
bothered to lock her in the closet. Zoe... there are worse things that
could have happened to her. Much worse things. Think about it."

"So?" Zoe asked. "It could have been a hell of a lot _better_, too. If I'd
just taken her with me, he couldn't have hurt her when he killed himself.
But I left her because I _thought_ she'd be okay for a couple of days, and
I was _wrong_, and she nearly died."  She closed her eyes. "God, she looked
so _little_ in that bed, hooked up to all those tubes and wires. So tiny,
so fragile, and when they'd change the bandages, nothing they gave her
would stop the pain and she'd scream and scream and call for me and there
was _nothing_ I could do!"

Trina leaned forward, wrapping her arms around Zoe and holding her tightly.
"I'm sorry that happened. But you aren't to blame for what he did, _he_ is.
And you were there to save her. Remember that, not the bad things. Maybe
you could have done something to make things better, but I think probably
things would have been _worse_ if you'd done something else. Don't hate
yourself for what happened. It's not your fault."

Zoe trembled violently. "You can't understand. I promised to take care of
her. She _trusted_ me. Her very first words, when she woke up... 'Why did
you leave me?  What did I do?'	So hurt, so _betrayed_, and still thinking
it was her fault, that _she'd_ done something bad because if she hadn't,
_of course_ I would have taken her with me..."

"Did you ever tell her what happened?" Trina asked.

"How could I?" Zoe asked. "I told her it wasn't her fault. That I was
stupid and got scared at something I thought he was going to do. But she's
just a baby... I'm not going to tell her _what_ I was scared of. And she
can't understand what would be so bad I'd leave her. I don't blame her... I
don't understand it myself, because I _shouldn't_ have.   I just fucking
panicked and didn't think. It was so _stupid_."

"Why not just tell her he was going to take you away, so you ran away, and
you were going to come back and get her?"

"I tried... but I couldn't tell her why he'd do that, and she didn't
believe me... she knows I'm not telling her everything," Zoe said. "She's
not stupid. But I can't. If I can keep her from ever finding out about
people like that, then it's worth her blaming me."

"Zoe, it's too late for that. Don't you remember what she said?" Trina
asked. "About me being too pretty?"

Zoe shook her head angrily, drawing back. "It's just a word to her. She
doesn't know what it means. She doesn't know what it's like. And she's not
going to, not while I'm still alive!"

"Zoe, she knows what it means," Trina said. "Maybe she doesn't know all the
details, but she knew what it meant."

Zoe said grimly, "She'll know as little about it as I can manage. I'm not
going to let her down again."

"She knows the word, and she knows what it means," Trina said. "Just tell
her that's what her dad was going to do to you. You don't have to go into
detail."

"If she doesn't understand how bad it is... _why_ it's bad... then it
doesn't matter if she knows what it is," Zoe said.

"Zoe... didn't she seem to know how bad it was?" Trina asked. "She may not
understand _why_ it's so bad, but she seemed to understand it was bad."

"Nothing's that bad," Zoe said. "Not bad enough to abandon her, let her be
hurt."

"But you didn't intend to abandon her," Trina pointed out. "You were going
to come back for her. You thought you'd have time."

"But I shouldn't have left her at all. Not alone with _him_. Not for a day,
not for an hour, a _minute_!"

"How could you have known?" Trina asked. "He never even acknowledged her
existence! You had no way of knowing he would do that, no reason to even
suspect it. Zoe, listen to me. You'll have plenty of things in life that
_are_ your fault to be mad at yourself for; don't waste it on something
like this. Don't blame yourself, blame _him_. Blame her mother. But don't
blame yourself." Her arms tightened slightly around her.

Zoe pulled away. "Let go!" she said, her voice tight and shaking.

Trina let go immediately. "Sorry! I just... I just thought you could use a
hug."

Zoe scooted frantically backwards, then hid her face against her knees,
shaking hard, almost convulsively.

"Zoe? Are you okay?" Trina asked.

Zoe moaned, low in her throat.

Trina bit her lip, looking torn. "Zoe?"

Zoe shuddered violently, curling even more tightly around herself.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you," Trina said.

Zoe groaned, a strangled, choking sound, and just shook her head. She
shuddered convulsively, falling over onto her side and covering her face
with her hands, a high, strained whimper escaping her lips. She shook her
head, fingers stiffening into claws, nails digging into her skin.

Trina scrambled forward, pulling Zoe up and into her arms. "It's okay, Zoe,
it's okay. It's okay."

Zoe gave a short, sharp, scream and raised her hand as if to strike, then
dropped it. She shook her head wildly and squeezed her eyes shut. "No!	No
no no you don't _understand_! I can't...."

"You can," Trina said, soothingly. "It's okay. You're safe with me. I'll
never hurt you. I promise."

Zoe shook her head, a choked sob escaping her before her held breath
squeezed it off. "I can't I can't I can't!"

Trina stroked her hair. "You can. I won't hurt you. I promise. Let it out,
Zoe. You need to let it out."

Zoe sobbed again, then bit her lip so hard a drop of blood welled up and
trickled down her chin. Her hands clenched in Trina's shirt, clinging for
just a second, then she pushed her almost violently away. Trina relaxed her
grip, so that she wasn't actually holding Zoe to her, just stroking her
back and hair gently, but Zoe pulled further away, shaking. She took a
couple of deep shuddering breaths, hands clenched into tight fists. "I... I
need to get home."

Trina bit her lip. "Zoe?"

Zoe closed her eyes tightly and shook her head. "_Please_."

"If... if that's what you really want," Trina said, worried.

"I have to."

"I... okay." Trina hesitated. "Zoe?"

"What?"

"I just... I want you to know I'll never hurt you deliberately," Trina
said. "I can't promise I won't do it by accident, like this evening, but
I'll never hurt you intentionally. You can trust me. I swear I'll never
hurt you, and I'll never tell your secrets, no matter what. To anyone, not
even Mom."

Zoe blinked rapidly, her breathing harsh and ragged for a moment. "I...
know.  I just... just take me home, Trina," she finished in a hoarse
whisper.

Trina bit her lip, but nodded and stood, holding her hand out. Zoe looked
at her for a second  before taking her hand and letting her help her up.

Trina turned away, heading back down the trail, and Zoe followed silently,
shoulders slumped.

Trina stopped where the trail came out of the woods. "I'm sorry, Zoe. I
shouldn't have pushed. It's none of my business."

Zoe swallowed hard. "I... I told you you'd regret knowing."

Trina didn't turn around. "I don't. I regret you don't trust me enough to
let me help you."

"I _can't_," Zoe said. "And I don't need help."

Trina snorted. "That's bullshit, and you know it. Everyone needs help.
Nobody can make it on their own. I'm offering to help me, and you keep
shoving me away."

"I _can't_," Zoe repeated. "I just don't have it in me... it's not there to
give. It's not you. If... if it helps, I've let you see more than anyone
else ever has."

"Why can't you?" Trina asked.

"I... don't even know anymore. I just can't. Something inside of me that
used to be there is just... gone."

Trina turned to face her, and the moonlight glinted off of the tear tracks
on her face. "Try? Please?"

Zoe closed her eyes in pain. "I'm sorry," she whispered.

"I... just... even if I can't fix it, I can be here for you. If you'll let
me," Trina said, pleading.

Zoe felt helpless and miserable. "I'm sorry. I just... have to handle
things alone. I _have_ to. Otherwise..."  She shook her head.

"Otherwise?"

"Otherwise, it's all for nothing," Zoe said. "If I'm not strong enough,
then it's just... pointless."

Trina looked puzzled. "Why?"

Zoe shook her head. "It's not something I can explain. But I have to be
able to do it on my own. I _have_ to. Or I'm not worth anything at all."

"_Bullshit_," Trina snapped. "Would you call my mother weak?"

Zoe shook her head again, frustrated. "It's not about anyone else, and it
doesn't apply to anyone else. But for me, and to me that's the way it is."

"Zoe, you're _wrong_. And I can prove it," Trina said.

"Trina..."  Zoe sighed and ran her hand through her hair. "I can't explain.
And I'm exhausted. And I'll have a couple hours yelling to deal with before
I can go to bed. Please. I can't be what you want me to be. I'm sorry, I
don't know what else to say."

"Even if you totally collapse-- even if you need my help to do
_everything_-- you're still worth... worth a lot to me. You're my
_friend_," Trina said.

Zoe turned partly away, staring into the dark trees. "Thank you," she said
quietly. "But I have to be worth something to _me_, or I can't live with
myself and the things I've done. Please understand."

Trina was silent for several seconds. "Zoe... the measure of our worth
isn't in what we do, or in how we do it, but in the relationships we form
with those around us."

Zoe shook her head. "No. We all have to find our own way to balance the
scales."

"But we don't have to do it alone," Trina said. "We were never meant to do
it alone. We were meant to do it together, each of us helping the others
around us balance their scales as they help us balance ours. I help you
balance yours, you help me balance mine, and we both end up better off.
We're not meant to be solitary travelers on this journey through life;
we're meant to laugh, love, cry, even hate with our fellow travelers. It's
the bonds we form that carry us through, keep us strong, help us form the
safety net we can use to catch those who fall."

Zoe shook her head, jaw tight. "I wish. And if it's like that for you...
I'm glad. But most people don't get that.  It's just not that way. You're
lucky if the people around you aren't _actively_ trying to hurt you. Being
left alone is the best you can realistically hope for, and more usually--" 
She shook her head again. "I can't talk about this anymore."

"Zoe... don't you understand?" Trina asked. "That's exactly what I'm
offering. I'm not just not trying to hurt you, I'm trying to help you. I'm
holding out my hand and begging you to take it."

"I _can't_," Zoe said sadly. "I'm sorry... I really am. But I have to get
through things alone."

Trina shook her head, sharply, decisively. "You can. Maybe you don't
realize it, maybe you're afraid to, maybe you just don't know _how_. But
you can." She blinked rapidly, a tear trickling down her cheek. "You're
lost, in a maze with constantly changing walls and no way to know which way
to turn. But don't you understand that _you_ make the walls? All you have
to do is let me in, just a little, and I'll help you find the way out. You
say you have to do it yourself, but don't you understand that that's just
another wall, just another barrier? Don't you realize that you _can't_
truly love anyone else until you love yourself?"

"I. Don't. Need. Saving," Zoe said. "I'm _fine_. I get by just fine. And I
_do_ love, very much, enough to keep me going whether I want to or not,
enough _period_, because even that can hurt and is dangerous, but I
wouldn't trade it. I am what I am. This is what the world's made me. Maybe
I wish it was different, but it's _not_.  But at least it's not more than I
can handle."

"I can't believe you mean that," Trina said. "Or maybe you haven't thought
about what it means."

"Look... I have all that I can face right now. I can't deal with more
complications," Zoe said. "I don't understand why you're pushing this so
hard. Why the hell does it _matter_ to you that one broken little gutter
punk can't give in?  You've got plenty of friends. You even fucking have
parents who seem to love you. You don't need me, too."

Trina sighed, looking up at the moon. "I do. Please don't ask me why,
because I can't tell you yet. I swear to you that I will, as soon as I can.
You're... special to me. I like you, Zoe." She dropped her gaze back down,
seeming older than her years. "Have you really thought about what you said,
that you could love 'enough'? Is that what you want for Brenna, someone who
can love her 'enough'? Or do you want her to have someone who loves her
with everything they are, body, mind, and soul? I've seen you with her,
Zoe, and if you tell me you want her to have someone who can love her
'enough', you're a fucking liar. And if you tell me you don't want to be
that someone, you're a fucking liar. _You_ want to be the one who's there
for her at night, the one who tucks her in when she goes to bed, and holds
her when she has a nightmare, the one who fixes her breakfast and drops her
off at school. You know it, and I know it. And I want that for you. Are you
really willing to shortchange her? Or are you going to do what it takes to
be able to love her _completely_, without reservation, without holding back
because you're afraid of getting hurt?" She stood there, her face set in a
challenge, but underneath Zoe could see a hint of fear, as if this were the
last thing she had, and she was afraid it wouldn't be enough.

"Whatever I can give, she has," Zoe said quietly. "Whatever I'm _capable_
of, I give her, however much it hurts. She understands that I would die for
her if it would help, and that I'll live for her since it won't. But I
won't let anything hurt her. And that means that I can't be weak, not in
any way, because if I am, if I get distracted, or let anything affect me
too much, I could fail her again, and I can't let that happen. It doesn't
matter what I want, or how it feels, it's just the way it is."

"Love. Is Not. A Weakness!" Trina said fiercely, glaring at her.

Zoe sighed. "Anything that can be used against you is a weakness. But we
weren't talking about love. I _do_ love her. That's why I have to be
strong."

"Then why the _fuck_ are you denying yourself something that can make you
_stronger_?" Trina asked. "I'm trying to toss you a fucking lifeline here
so you can get up on shore and have a better foundation to help her with,
and you keep throwing the fucking rope back at me! Damnit, meet me half-way
here, or a quarter, at least! Damnit, I like you, and I like Brenna, and _I
want you to get what you want_. I want _her_ to have a mother who can love
her with _everything_ she is, not just the part she's not afraid to give. I
see the way you look at her, and it breaks my fucking heart. I'm only
human. But damnit, she deserves better than having only half your love, and
so do you! You're so used to everyone trying to hurt you... damnit, can't
you get it through your head that I _won't_? _I_. _Won't_. _Hurt_. _You_.
_EVER_! You want me to swear it? FINE!" She grabbed a branch from the
ground, breaking it over her knee, and jabbed the broken end roughly into
her palm. "There!" She held up her hand, and Zoe could see a trickle of
blood. "Blood oath, damnit! I don't know what else I can do to prove it to
you. I won't hurt you. I won't _weaken_ you, for fuck's sake. All I want to
do is _help_ you. Help you get what you need so that you can give her what
_she_ needs." Tears ran down her face. "What do I have to do to prove it to
you?"

Zoe grabbed her wrists, eyes wide and a touch angry. "Are you _crazy_?" she
demanded, glaring, but then her gaze wavered and softened, and she drew
Trina's hands up against her chest and bowed her head over them. "Don't do
that again. I can't stand to see you hurt yourself like this," she
whispered.

"Then you understand how I feel," Trina said. "I don't know how else to
show you."

"I don't know what to say to you," Zoe whispered. "I can't promise to be
something I that I'm not, that I don't even know how to be."

"Try. That's all I'm asking. Let me in. Let me help."

"I don't know how," Zoe said, helplessly. "I'm sorry."

"All you have to do is... say yes. Say you'll try. That's the first step,"
Trina said. "Then stop pushing me away. It _does_ help to talk to someone.
I'm here. I won't tell anyone, not even my mother. If you need to talk,
call me. I don't care if it's	four in the morning, I'll listen. If you
need a hug, tell me. I'll drive into town and deliver it. Zoe, you can
count on me. I won't let you down, I swear. I swear..."

Zoe gave her wrists a little shake, squeezing them gently. "Shhh....shhh,
it's okay. I believe you."

Trina stared into her eyes, trying to see whether she really did, and Zoe
looked back at her, scared and confused, but not dishonest.

"Will you try?" Trina asked.

Zoe closed her eyes. "I don't want to lie to you. I don't want you to think
I'm capable of things I'm not."

"All I'm asking you to do is try."

Zoe sighed. "Alright," she said softly.

Trina smiled. "Thank you." She looked pensive for a moment. "You probably
aren't capable of asking for a hug if you need one, are you?"

Zoe let go of her hands and shook her head in puzzlement.  "You are the
strangest person I've ever met."

Trina grinned. "You don't know the half of it. So... umm... would you
_like_ a hug?"

Zoe raised an eyebrow. "Would it make you feel better?"

Trina nodded.

"Then come on."

Trina reached out, pulling her close. Zoe returned the hug, a bit stiffly,
but without fighting.

"So, um," Trina said. "You really have to go home tonight?"

Zoe nodded. "I can't risk pushing them, not right now."

Trina nodded in return. "Okay. You're going to see Brenna tomorrow?"

"I'm going to try," Zoe said. "They may not let me get away."

Trina grinned. "If you need help, give me a call."

"I'll be fine."  Zoe held up a hand, shaking her head. "But if something
should come up, I will. Okay?"

Trina nodded. "Okay."

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

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-- 
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reserved by its author unless explicitly indicated.
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