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From: "rache" <rache696@yahoo.com>
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Subject: {ASSM} Snowballs in Hell by Rachael Ross (M/F, Celebrity, Fantasy, Oral (barely), Humor)
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Date: Wed, 20 Sep 2006 03:10:01 -0400
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Snowballs in Hell (kinda)
Copyright 2006 Rachael Ross all rights reserved
Story Codes: M/F, Celebrity, Fantasy, Oral (barely), Humor

Note: I was halfway through "Respect 6" and I seriously needed to
lighten up. But not there, so I cranked this out really quick, just
because I needed to relieve some tension. I'm in Bangkok and if
you've never been here, it's a lot like Hell, except Bangkok is
cooler...way, way cooler. -rr

PS - Oh, this starts a little dark seeming, but that passes after 2
or 3 paragraphs, believe me. The darkness is much more subtle than
that!

-0=-=-=0-

Snowballs in Hell (kinda)
Fiction by rache

Prologue

After I died it took me a little time to get used to the fact.
Especially since I didn't really believe I was dead. I mean I still
seemed to have a body; I was still corporeal, if that's the right
word. I didn't remember any tunnels of light, or angels with harps.
Nothing like that. I just remember sitting in that nice hot bath,
watching the water turn kind of pink and getting sleepy.

And I had this great dream that Paul had come home from work and found
me there. And he had started yelling and trying to wake me up, and then
he ran to the phone and then...He just slumped down next to the tub,
sitting on the cold tiles of our bathroom floor, and he wept.

It was a great dream and I hated to wake up. It was like hitting the
snooze button so you could just go back and dream a little bit more,
even though you knew you were going to be late for your class. But, I
had to get up. So I climbed out of that tub and walked to my room and
got dressed, and then I saw Elvis.

The King.

"Hey little mama!" He said. And he looked great, like when he was
young and thin and so sexy it hurt.

"Hi." I said.

"C'mon." He gestured with his head. "Let's go for a ride."

And I was like, oh boy! So I followed Elvis down to his car, a big
white Cadillac convertible and got in. He pulled out easy and everyone
stared, but they weren't looking at me, of course. Elvis put on some
big sunglasses and turned on the radio. It was playing 'Like A
Stone' by Audioslave and he started tapping his fingers.

"I like these ol' boys." He told me.

We listened to the radio all the way until we got to the state line,
which came a lot sooner than I remembered.

"Now leaving Life" I read the sign out loud. "We'll miss
you!" And there was a big picture of some people who looked an awful
lot like my friends and family waving goodbye. "That was weird." I
looked at Elvis.

"It gets weirder." was all he said.

The next sign said, "Welcome to Limbo." I frowned a little. "I
thought Limbo was in Texas."

Elvis laughed. "Don't worry cherry girl, we're just passin'
through!" And he stepped on the gas. "Hey, as long as were in
Limbo..." The king looked around like somebody might be watching us
as we drove along, but I hadn't seen another car at all. "You think
you could do poor boy here a little favor?" He was sitting up a bit,
working at his pants and freeing his penis. It was a big hard one too.

Well, like I was gonna turn down Elvis!? Yeah right! So I was giving
him head and it was smooth! Oh, you have no idea. It was like his cock
was made for my mouth, I just went down and down and down...I came 3
times and I didn't even touch myself!

Elvis was singing to me though, 'Love Me Tender', and that might
have had something to do with it.

Anyway, I was in for quite a shock when I saw the next sign. "Welcome
to Hell" There wasn't a word about enjoying your stay, or anything.
It was just a little sign.

"You're taking me to Hell?" I yelled at Elvis. I tasted sperm and
I licked my lips.

"I just drive, little mama."

Then I was like, Elvis is in Hell? Well, how bad could it be?
"What's it like?" I asked him.

"Hell?" He shrugged. "It's nice, you'll like it."

He drove us right into the city. Everything was made from some weird
black rock that was veined with crimson, like fancy marble from Italy.
Except it wasn't chiseled or cut, it looked like it was smooth and
shiny and wax-like, rising up in tall spindly spires, like great
tongues of black flame. I thought it was pretty intense.

We pulled up to a big set of double doors, all smoked glass, and Elvis
waved as I got out. "Hey aren't you coming?" I asked him.

"Me? No, I gotta get back to Heaven." He smiled. "You have fun
now, little mama!" And then he sped off, honking his horn a couple
times.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

Chapter Only

"Welcome to Hell." The doors opened and a guy who looked an awful
lot like the devil himself was standing there.

"Who are you?" I asked a little suspiciously.

"I'm the goddamn devil." He smiled. "Can I get your bags?"

"I don't have any bags." I shrugged and started wondering what
kind of a dream this was. I mean the bit with Elvis was cool, but now
it was just getting surreal.

"Oh, well, that's fine too." He gestured and I walked past him
slowly into the grand foyer of a large hotel. "I've reserved you
the bridal suite." He raised his eyebrows. "I hope you'll like
it."

"Bridal suite?" I stared at him. "What happened to the lake of
fire and pitchforks and endless torments and stuff?"

"Huh?" He looked genuinely shocked. "I'm not sure." He said
cautiously. Then he brightened. "But we do have a great brunch
buffet, really, it's good. We call it the Bruffet. Are you hungry?"

"No, not really."

"Oh." He seemed sort of sad.

"Where is everyone?" I looked around and the place seemed deserted.

"Everyone?" He looked around too.

"Yeah, um...Where's Adolf Hitler? And Jeffrey Dahlmer? And
um...Judas? Isn't Judas here? I'd love to talk to him."

"Uh...no, there's just us."

"Huh?"

"You're the first person to be damned."

"What?" I gave him the look I reserved for idiots who told me there
were aliens abducting cows.

"You're it, yep...Number one!" He smiled. "I'm really glad
you're here too!"

"You mean to say nobody else, in all of human history, has ever been
damned to Hell before?"

"Uhhhhh..." Satan looked at me very apologetically. "No. I
mean...Yeah. That about sums it up."

"But what did I do? I mean, I killed myself, so what? Zillions of
folks do that all the time! I lied, I cheated at Monopoly, I fucked
every chance I got, drank, did drugs, shoplifted, kicked a dog,
strangled a cat almost to death once, ummm...I swear a lot, I eat meat
on Fridays, masturbate during confession, and plot to seduce my father.
Now tell me, I'm the only one in Hell just because of that?"

"Hmmm...That and, well, I asked for you."

"You asked for me?"

"Yeah. God drew to an inside straight, always a bad idea, and well, I
had a pair of fives."

"I'm in Hell because God lost at cards?"

"Uhhhh...yeah."

"To a pair of fives?"

He nodded.

"Jesus Christ!" I swore.

"He folded." Satan nodded as he remembered the hand in question,
somewhat nostalgically, I thought.

"So you asked for me..." I shook my head, trying to understand.
"...By name?"

"Mmm...not exactly."

"Then what? Why did I get picked to come to Hell?"

"It's lonely down here, come on!" He spread his arms. "God
forgives everyone. Hell, I can't even get the really bad people...So
I said, Lord, you gotta give me some company, dude."

"And he gave you me?"

Satan nodded. "I, um...bought you flowers." He ran over to the
front desk of the empty hotel and retrieved a bouquet of black roses.
He ran back and held them out, smiling shyly. "I tried to get red
ones, you know, with baby's breath, but they were all out."

"Black roses?" I stared at them.

"And um...this too." The devil reached into his pocket and pulled
something out. He looked around a little self-consciously, but there
wasn't even a tumbleweed. I watched in shock as Lucifer knelt on
floor and held out his hand, palm up with a little box on it. He opened
it slowly to reveal a diamond ring. "Rachael, will you, uh, marry
me?"

It was a pretty big diamond, 3 carats easy and it was gorgeous, just
glittering there. But...

"I don't know...this is pretty, um...sudden..." I looked at him,
feeling my heart softening just a little.

"Not for me!" He insisted. "I've...well, God offered me
some...choices, different girls that I might like. I watched them, I
watched...you...I mean." He blushed a little. "I fell in love with
you the day I saw you having sex with your best friend's dad."

"You fell in love with me because I had sex with Jenny's dad?" I
stared at him. "I was only 16 then!"

"No!" he shook his head. "No, not because of that...I fell in
love with you because after he was done you called his wife at work and
told her all about it!"

"Oh." I'd tried to forget that.

"Twice!" Satan giggled.

"Well, I was young...." I rolled my eyes and smiled a little.
"...she hung up on me the first time."

"A girl who could do that!" He nodded seriously. "That's the
girl for me!"

"Uh, who was my...er, competition?" I wondered.

"Well, I was thinking about Marilyn Monroe, actually. Something about
the way she sings happy birthday just gets me right here..." He
touched his chest. "And Lizzie Borden, she was always on my list."

"Sure..." I nodded thoughtfully. "An axe murderess with her own
nursery rhyme, who wouldn't go for that?"

"But you..." He held up the ring again. "You're the one Rache.
Please, marry me and be the Queen Bitch of Hell. Please?"

I thought about it. "I don't...uh...I don't even know your first
name." I gave him a weak smile. "I mean is it...Lucifer? Or uh,
Satan? What do I call you afterwards, you know?"

"Afterwards." He smiled like a little puppy, even though he was
really big, actually, like almost 7 feet tall with the horns and all.
"Well, Lucifer is okay, sure. Satan is...I sort of use that when
I'm on business."

"Business..." I nodded slowly. "Like...?"

"Well, like when I buy a soul, or um...somebody sacrifices a goat, or
uh..." He rubbed his head thinking. "When Ozzy goes on tour, you
know." He smiled.

"Ozzy Osbourne?" I rolled my eyes. "And he won't even be down
here...will he? When he finally dies, I mean."

"Oh no, Mary is a big Sabbath fan."

"The Virgin Mary?" I stared at him.

"Not if I get a hold of her!" He grinned, and then caught himself,
looking guilty and spreading his arms, like what was he gonna do? He is
the devil, you know.

I just sighed and Lucifer looked up at me with his big crimson eyes,
still kneeling and holding his ring. "But I'm a big fan of yours,
Rachael."

"I'll uh....I'll think about it." I promised him. "I need to
lie down. I think I'm a little...tired."

"Oh, sure!" The devil nodded quickly and pushed the velvet box in
my hand. "You um, you just hold that okay? And I'll...here!" He
gestured. "Let's take the elevator. Would you like something to
drink? Champagne? Uh..."

"No." I smiled, shaking my head wearily. "No...just a bed."

"Oh." He nodded and pushed the button, rocking on his hooves
impatiently as we waited, every now and then glancing down at me.
"Damned elevators."

=-=-=

He'd tried to come into my room, but I smiled and put my hand on his
stomach. "No, not until we're married..." He started grinning and
I cut it off right away. "If...If we're married."

"But..."

I shook my head and closed the door with a sigh. He was kind of sweet,
I thought, and I opened the box looking at my ring. Well, it wasn't
really mine...yet. Did I really want to be married to Satan? I walked
over to the TV, it was a big one and I turned it on.

Rosemary's Baby...Hell Boy...Hell Raiser...Devil's
Advocate...Bedeviled...Devil's Own...The Breakfast Club...The
Exorcist...

"Yikes!" I shook my head and found the pay-per-view channel...

"Devil in Miss Jones..."

"Double Yikes!" Porn that was older than I was! We were going to
have to get the Discovery Channel down here, if I was staying, A&E too!

I turned off the TV and opened the top drawer of the night stand.
"Jesus." I muttered. "They're everywhere!" I picked up the
Gideon's Bible and thumbed through it real quick, looking for the
part about "Satan, get thee behind me!" But I wasn't in the mood
for a real search. I threw it back and closed the drawer, lying down on
the bed and stretching.

I guess I fell asleep, because when I woke up it was dark outside and I
was a little hungry.

=-=-=

I picked up the phone next to the bed, there was a small folding card,
laminated with plastic that said 'Room Service' on it and I looked it
over while the phone rang. There wasn't much to pick from.

"Room Service..." Lucifer said and then he cleared his throat.
"Ahem...uh, Room Service, I mean." He tried changing his voice too. I
just rolled my eyes and pretended like I didn't know who he was.

"Hi, I was wondering if I could get some..."

"Deviled eggs?" He suggested.

"Mmmm...Yeah..." I replied slowly. "And maybe one of those..."

"Deviled ham sandwiches?" Lucifer interrupted.

"Right, uh-uh and does that come with..."

"French fries? Yes ma'am, all the damned fries you can eat." He said
seriously. "They're from France."

"Well, I can eat quite a few." I smiled. "And I guess I'll have a slice
of..."

"Devil's food cake?"

"Exactly." I had just ordered everything that was listed on the menu.

"We'll be up with your dinner shortly, ma'am." Lucifer said
enthusiastically.

"And a big glass of milk, please." I said.

"Um, milk?"

"You want me to marry you, bring me some milk. Cold too. From a cow." I
told Lucifer sternly.

"Oh, how did you know it was me?"

=-=-=-=

"Look..." I said, taking a bite of my sandwich and finding it was
pretty good actually. "...This isn't gonna work out."

Satan had brought up a cart and now he was pacing restlessly in my
room, pausing every now and again to ask me things like, "Why not?"

"Because, look we're the only two people in Hell." I looked at
him, widening my eyes, like wasn't it obvious? "And technically,
you're not even a people, so..."

"I'm an angel." The Prince of Darkness nodded. "But angels can
love too, even fallen angels. We have feelings. We're no different,
not inside where it counts." He looked at me with hurt red eyes.

"I know, I didn't mean it like that." I said gently. "I just
meant that this is a quiet sort of place and, well...I'm kinda used
to the hustle and bustle of a big city. I'm a city girl, you know?
This is like..."

"Green Acres?" Satan sat down on the bed. "Without the pig?"

"What?" I blinked at him. "I don't know."

"But you know I love you, right?" Lucifer leaned forward, reaching
out to touch my knee.

I sighed, wondering what I was going to do for all eternity, stuck in
Hell with no one but a love-struck Lucifer to keep me company. It was
very depressing and I finally began to understand why they called it
Hell.

end
Rache696@yahoo.com

Last comments: This story might require an apology, but not an
explanation, I hope. This was my homage to Dante, without all the fancy
shmancy words.

-- 
Pursuant to the Berne Convention, this work is copyright with all rights
reserved by its author unless explicitly indicated.
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