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Message-ID: <54180asstr$1152738606@assm.asstr-mirror.org>
From: "just-this guy" <just-this-guy@hotmail.com>
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Subject: {ASSM} The Girl Scout Menagerie (no-sex, alleged humor)
Lines: 280
Date: Wed, 12 Jul 2006 17:10:06 -0400
Path: assm.asstr-mirror.org!not-for-mail
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Newsgroups: alt.sex.stories.moderated,alt.sex.stories
Followup-To: alt.sex.stories.d

The Girl Scout Menagerie (no-sex, alleged humor)
by just-this-guy



“Mr. Guy?” the Vanilla Blonde girl asked when I opened
the door in response to my door chime.

I eyed the girl warily along with her three female friends
all dressed in the familiar and dangerous green uniforms.
I should be better prepared for the unexpected arrivals of
these girls but I was unprepared for the expected arrival
of boxes and boxes and boxes of girl scout cookies that
filled my home, so my thesaurus was now buried under thin
mints and trefoils.

I said to the four pretty little thin mints before me, “I’d
offer you a seat inside but...”  I pointed at the stacks of
pink and blue.

“Whatever!” the girl replied in her best non-intentional
imitation of Alicia Silverstone and rolled her eyes.

I knew where she could sit!

"I don't think so," she said.

"Huh?"

"Don't even think about me putting my young and tight little
pussy on your tiny little cock.

Did I talk out loud?

"So," I asked. "Either I am the Nookie Sweepstakes winner or
you are here to further my torment.  Did you know that you
are the reason someone once compared me to Elmer Fudd and
that's probably an insult to Elmer?"

"Elmo?" said a second blonde girl.  "The red guy who lives
in a trash can?"

"He's not real," said the Lemon Asian girl

"I'd still rather fuck Elmo than this guy," said the Brownie
Mexican girl.

"Well, duh?" said Asian.

"Does he come in purple?" asked Second Blonde.

I cum in purple.

"Hey!" said First Blonde.

"What?"

"You know," she said evenly.  "Now, this won’t take long.”

Only because these girls would never give me a chance.
I'd take long enough for them.

"Like three seconds is a long time," she said.

"As if!" the trio chorused ridicule behind her.

“So what can I do for you girls?” I asked mindlessly.

“Is that a joke?” chortled Lemon.

The Lemon Asian stood between a Brownie Mexican girl
and another Vanilla blonde.

"What can he do for us...ha!" laughed Brownie.

I realized this was all wrong!  The pretty Mexican girl
was an excellent Brownie Brunette but where was my Strawberry
Redhead?  I *needed* my strawberry!

“Aren’t you girls supposed to be standardized?" I asked.
"You have two blondes.  Isn’t that against your policies?”

“I have pink eye,” the other blonde said proudly.

“Ummm...”

“Speaking of policies,” said the First Vanilla.
“You were trying to give away your cookies.  You are not
allowed to do that.”

“No,” I protested.  “It wasn’t like that.”

“Your contract allows only you or your pets to eat the
cookies.”

“Okay, I admit I tried to take cookies to the park and
feed the pigeons, but there were no birds _anywhere_ to
be found.  The whole park and every park is infested with
these pussies..."

I suddenly had four glares at me.

"...uh...pussy cats.  I don’t know where they came from.”

The girls stood erect and looked attentive to my story.
My sly gazes upon their green-clad little titties made my
favorite body part stand erect and look attentive.

“Go on,” said Vanilla.  “And don't think we don't notice.
You can dream about us but you’re not getting anything
we have.”

“It will be our first year to go to Camp Lotta Sticky Nookie,”
said Lemon.  "We can't let someone like you be our first."

"Or even our one thousand first," said Brownie.  "Think of
the disgrace."

The four girls involuntarily and dramatically shuddered.

“You went to the pet store,” First Vanilla said.

I exhaled deeply.

“I wanted to purchase several birds so I could feed them
cookies but when I walked up to the shop I could see through
the window that all their bird cages were filled with
pussies...uh...pussy cats."  I glanced at Vanilla.  I
glanced at her budding little chest.  I didn't bring my
hand up fast enough to block the patented _Three Stooges_
double-poke in the eye.

"What else?" snarled Vanilla.  Apparently I made her mad.

While bent over and my hands over my eyes, I said, "I didn't
go in the store because this female customer carrying a dead
turtle was arguing with the shop owner.  The conversation
was obviously very contentious and I didn’t want to get
involved since I am the shy and retiring type of personality.”

“Don’t try to make yourself sound sweet and nice,” said 
Lemon.

“And stop all the referential statements to other people and
other stories who you are unworthy to lick the calluses of
their word-inspired hands.”

"Worm-inspired?"

"I poked you in the eyes not the ears."

"Maybe you should kick him in the balls?" said Lemon,

"I don't think he has any," said Brownie.

"Well, lucky for him," replied Lemon.

Oh, great!  Insult a guy while he's in pain.

Who am I kidding?  I just got off lightly.

"You didn't get off," said Vanilla.

"Stop that!" I demanded.

"What?"

"You know.  Stop reading what I just wrote.  I’m currently
down a thesaurus and it's unfair."

"Unfair?  Unfair is letting you take a girl's virginity."

I held up my hands in protest.  "I have _never ever_ demanded
a virgin.  Sure, I'd like one.  What guy doesn't?   But I'll
settle for a slightly well-used girl scout?"  Brownie was
about to speak but I hastily said, "And not a 101-year old
former girl scout.  I want someone nice and young like
yourselves."

"How old's Elmo?" said Lemon.

"Too old!" I firmly said.

"That purple dinosaur would be perfect for you," tittered
pink-eyed blonde.

'It's no fair using words like 'tittered'," I complained.

"Speaking of purple dinosaurs," said First Vanilla.  "How's
it hanging?  Has it fallen off yet from disuse?"

It was only solo use lately but use is use.

"Lately?" said Brownie.  "When's the last time you fu..."

"Okay, okay," I interrupted.  "You don't have to tell the world."

"Good news!" said First Vanilla happily.  "We're giving you
some pussy."

"What!" I said excitedly.

First Vanilla wiped her face off with her sash.

"Pussy cats!" she said.

The trio chorused in guffaws.

I should know better.

"You live in our test market area," the leader said.  "We
are going to replace your cookies with half the amount of
boxes of a new flavor."

Half the boxes!  Maybe I could find my thesaurus.

"The pussies like the new flavor," she continued.  "But
you are required to eat half the cookies yourself.  You
can't feed them all to your pussies."

Half the boxes!  I could deal with that.

"How many pussies am I getting?" I asked.

"Just five," she said.

"We sent this guy a house full of pussies," said Asian.
"But we didn't tell him it was one randy male and hundreds
of females in heat."

"With all the kittens, he's got pussies coming out his ass,"
laughed Brownie.

One can't help but instinctively flex one's sphincter muscle
at a statement like that.

"We are exporting pussies all over the place now," said
First Vanilla.

"All this to sell the new flavor?" I asked.

"Marketing blunder," said Asian in a sing-song voice as if
she shouldn't tell me this.

"Sign here," said First Vanilla.

Where did that clipboard come from?  She wasn't carrying it.

"You never mind," she said.

I took the pen and signed.

"Okay," she said.  "Tomorrow, we'll take these boxes and give
you the new boxes."

I was getting half my house back!

She continued, "They do cost three times as much."

"What?  I can barely afford my current contract."

"You mean your old contract?  Now remember to eat up.  Only
half can go to pussies no matter how many of them you also
feed at the park."

The trio chorused a hearty laugh of derision.

The next day I received my shipment of Salmon Mints,
Trout-Foils, and Abalon-SiDos.  The pussies were kittens
and wouldn't touch them.  Stupid pussies!

I also got pink-eye.

I didn't touch her!  I swear it!

Trust me, I'd remember.

_________________________________________________________________
On the road to retirement? Check out MSN Life Events for advice on how to 
get there! http://lifeevents.msn.com/category.aspx?cid=Retirement

-- 
Pursuant to the Berne Convention, this work is copyright with all rights
reserved by its author unless explicitly indicated.
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