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Message-ID: <54026asstr$1149919802@assm.asstr-mirror.org>
From: "Russell Hoisington" <hoisingr@hushmail.com>
Subject: {ASSM} The Dead Turtle Sketch {Hoisington} (nosex humor parody)
Lines: 379
Date: Sat, 10 Jun 2006 02:10:02 -0400
Path: assm.asstr-mirror.org!not-for-mail
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Newsgroups: alt.sex.stories.moderated,alt.sex.stories
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                      THE DEAD TURTLE SKETCH
                 (With Apologies to Monty Python)
 
                        Russell Hoisington
 
  ************************************************************
 
This is an erotic fantasy. The characters and the situation are
purely imaginary, and this story is *NOT* intended to be a guide
for actual behavior.  Any similarities between this story and
actual people, or between this story and actual events that you
should be ashamed of, are purely coincidental.  If it is illegal
in your part of the world to access and read erotic fiction, or
if you are underage, or if you don't like underage sex stories,
then you should stop now.
 
This story is copyright 2006 by Russell Hoisington.  You may
post freely to non-commercial (free) sites, or in the "free"
area of commercial sites as long as you do not remove the author
information or make any changes to this story.  This does NOT
mean that it is in the public domain, nor does it mean that I
give permission for you to use it in spam advertising.  I
reserve the right to determine what is "spam advertising" by
MY definition, not yours or anyone else's.
 
Thanks and grateful appreciation to Monty Python for creating a
sketch worthy of ripping off, Denny Wheeler for editing this
opus, and especially to Yotna El'toub for
 
     1) correcting the Britishisation of the vocabulary and
 
     2) involuntarily volunteering to appear in this story.
 
Special note to Kenny Gamera, who stole the lovely suzee away
from me a whole year before I ever met her:  You still aren't
forgiven.  But you already knew that.
 
  ************************************************************
 
                      THE DEAD TURTLE SKETCH
 
                      FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT

 
THE CAST FOR THE SKETCH
 
Shop Owner:      Yotna El'toub
                    http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/Yotna_eltoub/www
Irate Customer:  suzee
Turtle:          Kenny N. Gamera
                    http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/Gamera/www
 
                              ~ ~ ~
 
[Scowling, suzee lugs a large, heavy, wrapped bundle into Yotna's
Domestic Pet and Japanese Monster Emporium, Ltd., and glares
about the shop.  She spots a figure in a dress, bent over a desk
and back to the customer service counter.  She drags the bundle
to the counter.]
 
suzee: Hello, I wish to register a complaint.
 
[The figure does not respond.]
 
suzee: Hello?  Miss?
 
[Yotna turns around.]
 
Yotna: What do you mean "Miss"?
 
suzee: I'm sorry.  The dress fooled me.  I didn't realize you
       were a cross-dresser.
 
[Yotna looks indignant.]
 
Yotna: I'm not!  There weren't no men's clothing available when
       I hescaped from the cellar.  I 'ad to take one of Esu's
       dresses or they'd have got me for indecent hexposure. 
       Ag'in.
 
[suzee frowns and shakes her head.]
 
suzee: I'm sorry.  I wish to make a complaint!
 
Yotna: We're closin' for lunch.
 
[suzee points at the bundle.]
 
suzee: Never mind that, my lad.  I wish to complain about this
       Turtle that I purchased not twenty-four hours ago from
       this very boutique.
 
Yotna: I don't think we got any turtles that size.
 
[suzee unwraps the bundle.]
 
Yotna: Oh yes, the, uh, the Gamera.  Esu said we'd finally sold
       it to some...  I mean, that we sold it.  Well, you don't
       want this counter.  This 'ere is customer service for t'
       pets department.  You want customer service for th'
       monsters department.
 
suzee: Oh.  I'm sorry.  Where is that?
 
[Yotna points six inches to his right.]
 
Yotna: Over there.
 
suzee: It's the same counter!
 
Yotna: No it's not!  See t' almost invisible line there, where
       the wood of the two counters is joined together with our
       sponsor's excellent product, Spooge's Semenal Wood Glue? 
       "A jolly time in every sticky squirt!" is their motto. 
       Well, pets is on this side, monsters is on that side.
 
suzee: What's the difference whether I stand right here or right
       there?
 
Yotna: The difference is you are standin' at t'Domestic Pets
       Customer Service Counter, but you ain't got no bleedin'
       pet.  Wot you 'ave got is an ancient Japanese monster. 
       Those are 'andled at t' Japanese Monster Customer Service
       Counter.  Ain't nobody 'ere who will 'elp you if you're
       standin' at t' wrong counter. Public Law 5280 Dash 27,
       Section 369 Stroke Nine, Paragraph 9b(1)(k) clearly
       states that customer service must be provided at the
       appropriate counter, and Subparagraph 18109e(5)
       specifically states that all Japanese monster complaints
       must be 'andled at t' Japanese Monster Customer Service
       counter.
 
suzee: There's no such law!
 
Yotna: Oh, and you, a Yank, are now an authority on The
       Governmental Public Laws of English Cities, Towns,
       Boroughs, Villages and Hamlets?
 
[suzee clenches her fists for a moment, then drags the Gamera
over six inches as Yotna turns his back and resumes work at the
desk.]
 
suzee: I say!
 
[Yotna turns around.]
 
Yotna: May I help you?
 
suzee: Yes!  I still wish to make a complaint!
 
Yotna: We're closin' for lunch.
 
suzee: Not until you assist me.  I have a complaint about this
       Turtle.
 
[Yotna leans forward and squints.]
 
Yotna: Ah, yes.  The Gamera.  What's, uh...What's wrong with it?
 
suzee: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad.  It's dead,
       that's what's wrong with it!
 
Yotna: No, no, 'e's uh... he's resting.  Recuperating.
 
suzee: Look, matey, I know dead when I see it, and I'm looking
       at a dead one right now.
 
Yotna: No no, he's not dead, he's, blinkin'!  Remarkable
       monster, the Gamera, in'it, 'ay?  Beautiful shell!
 
suzee: The shell doesn't enter into it, even if it is the only
       hard thing about him. It's dead.
 
Yotna: Nononono, no, no! 'E's not dead!  'Is eyes is a movin'.
 
Kenny: See?  I told you I'm not dead.  Listen to the... uh, man.
 
suzee: Yes, you are dead.
 
Kenny: I'm feeling much better now.
 
suzee: You're dead from the waist down; you might as well be
       dead from the waist up.
 
Kenny: I'm startin' to feel a twitch in the nether regions.
 
Yotna: I tol' you 'e weren't dead.
 
[suzee reaches under the shell to extract a flaccid member.]
 
suzee: He may not dead but this is, and if the tallywhacker's
       dead then the whole thing is dead!  He hasn't got this
       thing up since I bought him, despite my best efforts!  I
       put enough vacuum on this thing to pop two fillings out
       of my teeth and loosen a third one.  And look at it!  You
       say it's not dead?  YOU get it up!
 
[suzee drops the flaccid member.  It sways twice, like a short
pendulum, and shrinks back into the shell.]
 
Yotna: I'd rather not.  I sell the blighters; I don't engage in
       kinky activities with them.  (Mumbles) Not unless they's
       truly dead, anyways.  (Speaks up) And 'e ain't dead! 
       'E's restin'!
 
suzee: All right then, if he's resting, I'll get him up!
 
[suzee rips open her blouse (revealing no bra beneath) and slaps
the Turtle's face several times with her bosoms.  She steps back
and withdraws a still-flaccid member.  She glares at Yotna and
shakes it at him.]
 
suzee: I wanted a banger, and what I got was the mash!
 
[suzee lifts her skirt (revealing no knickers beneath) straddles
the limp member, and humps her quim along it.]
 
suzee: Hello, Mister Kenny Gamera!  I've got a lovely fresh
       fishbiscuit for you if you get this thing...
 
[Yotna gooses suzee.]
 
suzee: YEEP!!!
 
Yotna: There.  It moved!  It was gettin' right on up there when
       you stopped humpin' it.
 
suzee: No, it didn't!  This thing is still flaccid!  That was
       you poking my bum!
 
Yotna: I never!  'tis a lie!
 
suzee: Yes, you did!
 
Yotna: I never, never did nothin'...
 
[suzee yells and hits the Turtle's shell repeatedly as the
flaccid member withdraws back under the shell.]
 
suzee: HELLO, KENNY!!!!!  Testing!  Testing!  Testing!  Testing! 
       This is your nine o'clock nookie call!
 
[suzee takes the member out of the shell and thumps its head on
her palm, throws it up in the air, and watches it plummet to
point at the floor.]
 
suzee: Now that's what I call a dead Turtle.
 
Yotna: No, no.....  No, 'e's stunned!
 
suzee: STUNNED?!?
 
Yotna: Yeah! You stunned him, just as 'e was gettin' it up! 
       Gameras stun easily, Miss, hespecially when you slap
       around their....
 
suzee: Now look, mate, I've had enough of this.  That Turtle is
       definitely deceased, and when I purchased it not
       twenty-four hours ago, the lady assured me that its total
       lack of movement was due to it bein' tired and shagged
       out following a prolonged orgy the night before.  She
       said the only reason its tallywhacker wasn't sticking up
       was because she'd tied it down so it would slip back
       inside the shell for protection!
 
Yotna: Well, 'e's... 'e's, ah... probably down because 'e's
       pinin' for the Girl Scouts.  You know.  T' ones 'e was
       bangin' at t' orgy.  He seemed t'like t'ones in the Girl
       Scout uniforms t' best.
 
suzee: PINING for the GIRL SCOUTS?!?!?!?  What kind of talk is
       that?  Look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment
       I got 'im home?
 
Yotna: The Gamera prefers keepin' on it's back!  Its favorite
       position is woman astride!  Didn't  Esu hexplain that
       when you bought it?  Remarkable Turtle, in'it, Miss? 
       Lovely shell!
 
suzee: Look, I took the liberty of examining this Turtle when I
       got it home, and I discovered there wasn't any need to
       tie its tallywhacker down, unless it was to keep it from
       falling off, because the thing was dead!
 
[Pause while Yotna thinks.]
 
Yotna: Well, o'course it was tied there!  If I 'adn't tied that
       tallywhacker down, it would've nuzzled up to those bars,
       snapped 'em apart with its beak, and VOOM!  It'd be
       knockin' up Girl Scouts faster than Frank McCoy!
 
suzee: "VOOM"?!?  Mate, this Turtle wouldn't "voom" if you put
       four thousand volts through it!  It's bloody well
       demised!
 
Yotna: No no!  'E's pinin' for the Girl...
 
suzee: HE'S NOT PINING!  He's passed on!  This Turtle is ERECT
       no more!  He has CEASED to BE!  He's EXPIRED and gone to
       meet his maker!  He's a STIFFLESS STIFF!  Bereft of
       libido!  He HANGS in peace instead of POKING a piece!  If
       you hadn't tied his tallywhacker to his leg, it would
       have fallen off, and he'd be kicking it across the floor
       like a deflated soccer ball!  His carnal processes are
       now HISTORY!  He's OFF the VIAGRA!  He's been kicked in
       the goolies!  He's shuffled off his mattress, and is
       pushing a piece of string!  He's joined the bloody choir
       of the ERECTILE DYSFUNCTIONAL!  THIS IS AN EX-TURTLE!
 
[Pause.]
 
Yotna: Well, I'd better replace it, then.
 
[Yotna takes a quick peek under the counter, straightens, and
spins a circle in place. ]
 
Yotna: Sorry, Miss.  I've had a look 'round the the shop, and
       uh, we're right out of Turtles.
 
suzee: I see.  I see.  I get the picture.
 
Yotna: I got a Mothra int' back.
 
[Pause, then suzee's eyes narrow.]
 
suzee: Pray, does it hump?
 
Yotna: N-n-n-not really.
 
suzee: WELL, IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?
 
Yotna: N-no, I guess not.
 
[Yotna, ashamed, looks at his feet and says nothing.]
 
suzee: Well?
 
[Pause.]
 
Yotna: D'you.... d'you want to come back t' my cellar?  It's got
       a mattress.
 
[suzee looks around.]
 
suzee: Yeah, all right, sure.
 
  ************************************************************
 
Copyright Russell Hoisington 2006
 
 
We who write the stories you like to read have received, and
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Russell Hoisington
State of Confusion

Stories archived at
http://www.storiesonline.net



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