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Message-ID: <52279asstr$1130145004@assm.asstr-mirror.org>
From: "Simple Man" <man.simple@hotmail.com>
Subject: {ASSM} Halloween, Who_Needs_It? (Mgg_cons)
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Date: Mon, 24 Oct 2005 05:10:04 -0400
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{ASSM} "Halloween, Who Needs It" (Mgg, cons)

   By Simple Man



   Where do these stupid traditions come from?  Oh sure I went Trick or
Treating when I was a kid, everybody did, every kid I ever knew did, hell
we all did it.  Big deal!  We'd all go out in homemade costumes that looked
like shit with our paper bag and shout the stupid phrase over and over
again until I wanted to puke, "Trick or Treat!" I mean, come on, just once
I wanted to say "Look at this stupid costume that my mother made and just
give me the fucking candy!" Course I never had the guts to say that then,
shit no, I'd get the whaling of my life when I got home cause my big sister
was taking me around the block, suppose to be protecting me but I never
figured out from what.



   Then we'd get home and my hard earned bag of candy was confiscated by my
mother.  All the fruit, apples, oranges, pears, all gone right along with
the popcorn balls, some crazy story about razor blades and pins.  What was
the fucking point of going out at all, what, 12 candy bars, 40 packs of
chewing gum and 48 cents in pennies.  Never got one fucking stick of gum,
ever and only 4 of the candy bars, and I was supposed to be happy, I wanted
to join the Army right then, I didn't know these people.



   So here I am, 50 years later thinking no fucking way am I gonna do it
again this year.  I was not going to go out and buy candy that I don't even
like to give to little people with costumes way better than I ever had,
repeating that same old stupid phrase that I had to say 50 years ago.  No
fucking pumpkin that I had to get it's squishy guts all over my hands to
clean out and then cut some stupid face on the damn thing only to see it
smashed before the night was over.  I mean really, who needs it?



   Then there is the other issue, you get something good to hand out and
the word spreads like wildfire bringing kids from neighboring countries and
horror of all horrors, you know damn well you are going to run out and have
to close the door on some little Batman or Barbie Doll and give them
nothing when they walked from the next state to get here.  Nope, not gonna
do it again this year.



   Well the day came to pass, October 31st, a day that will live in infamy
like old Teddy once said in 1941.  It was Halloween and despite every
effort to avoid the ungodly Halloween decorations in the grocery store I
bought 400 Snicker bars, figuring at least I would get some of them for
myself.  Most of the little cute ones had gone out with their mommy's very
early before I even got home from work.  But they didn't need Snicker bars,
man that was big kid stuff and I just knew international flags were flying
tonight.  Borders were open and truckloads of immigrants with paper bags
were on the way.



   The fucking mountain of Snicker bars were all over the place in bushel
baskets that lined my living room clear to the kitchen.  Dammit, I was not
going to do it again, but so help me, bring on the hordes, I'm ready.  If I
gave each one just one Snicker bar I have enough until next Tuesday.  I
would be victorious and the champion of children all around the world.  The
Guinness Book people would be after me.



   Nobody came, no one, did their mothers throw out the prunes I handed out
last year, fearing pins and razor blades?  Dragging a bushel basket next
door to where little Missy and Mandy lived, their father looked at me like
I was crazy and kept trying to shut the door on my face, not realizing how
imperative my journey was.  I flung Snicker bars at him hoping he would
cave in with desire for the wonderful chocolate and peanuts in creamy
nougat, he called the police instead.



   These men were no fun at all, and I was not comfortable in handcuffs in
the back of their car.  I thought it odd that they both wore the same
costume, and real authentic ones too.



   So Halloween night I spent a quiet evening in jail, knowing 2 little
girls that had plenty of Snicker bars to last them a long time.  Never
again, who needs it?



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