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From: "Crimson Dragon" <dcrimson@yahoo.com>
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Subject: {ASSM} {REVIEW} {Reviews} Crimson Reviews - #034 - 23-Apr-2004
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Date: Fri, 23 Apr 2004 19:10:12 -0400
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So, why do the reviews have a technical component -- shouldn't a
story be judged on the story itself? Why concentrate on poor
grammar, spelling, punctuation, and use of English? These are sex
stories, for crying out loud. It's the story that counts isn't it?

A story, my friends, is more than a collection of words. It is more
than the sum of its parts (which, incidentally is why the scores at
the end of the review are not necessarily indicative of the quality
of a story). As writers, we are trying to communicate to our
audience. We want to tell our readers something. If we can't express
ourselves because the reader is jolted from the story when we
carelessly mistype, or can't be bothered to edit, or even use a
spell checker, then that *does* affect the quality of the reading
experience.

Then why nitpick, gleaning examples of particularly horrendous text
and holding it up to public ridicule?

It is never my intention to ridicule anyone. After all, the
authors here are brave enough to post stories into a public forum.
It takes guts to press that 'send' key, whatever the average reader
might think. I provide the examples purely to point out issues that
I saw, sometimes with lighthearted commentary, but so that the
author and the reader can see how serious or trivial the issues are.
Without the example, a technical analysis is far less useful. If I
mention that an author is a careless speller without proof, then
nobody knows whether I'm pointing out a failure to use a spell
checker, or whether the author is a hopeless speller, or whether she
merely has a case of fumble fingers. With the examples, I hope, it
becomes more clear why I became distracted as a reader.

All rules can be bent and broken. For example, cmsix wrote a
delightful flash using dialect (reviewed later). Horribly incorrect
from a classical English standpoint, but it had obvious purpose. In
most cases, authors are unaware of the technical issues that suffuse
their text. It comes from being far too close to the story. We can't
help it. Ultimately, it is up to the author to decide how to present
a story, and whether to bend the rules and why. Reviewers can only
point out how the audience might perceive the author's decisions
from a less biased viewpoint.

I think technical analysis is beneficial to all. It is not meant in
the spirit of "nitpicking," but rather as a constructive suggestion
towards improvement. While I realise that not all will take it this
way no matter what I say in review preambles, I simply wanted to
mention this aspect of the reviews for those who do appreciate the
comments for what they are.

Enough of that.

This week, we saw Rowers, Tragic Sisters, Texan Rubes, Students and
Teachers, Points of View, Princes, Five Hundred Subs, Fun in
Emergency Rooms, Fantasy Games, and Castles. It is with these that
we are concerned.

 - Crimson


"This little bird, she can fly away;
 No salt on her tail---
 No cage to make her stay."
                           -- Mamas and the Papas

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The missives below are merely opinions, publicly stated, but only 
opinions. Dragons may be immortal, but they are not infallible. Read the 
stories for yourself, and form your own opinions. Then, let the author 
know what you thought. Celeste's blowjob principle isn't smoke in the 
wind.

 - Crimson Dragon (dcrimson@yahoo.com)

http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/Crimson_Dragon/www
http://members.tripod.com/files/Authors/Dr/wwwagon_Of_Crimson

Review Archives:
http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/Crimson_Reviews/www

Thanks to Denny for checking over the reviews for obvious
bungles, though ultimately any errors herein are mine and mine 
alone. Also, big thanks to Rui, who always comes through with
the story links, even the obscure ones.

+-----------------------------------------------------------------------
If you like the stories contained in these reviews, Rui helps run
the Clitorides, which is a "People's Choice"-type award system
for exceptional erotica. You might want to nominate any story that
tickles you.

Silver: http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/Clitorides/www/Silver_Clitorides.htm
Golden: http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/Rui_Favorites/www/Clitorides/
+-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Story Summary:
+-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Row -- artie
    (MF)
    [10,10,10,10]

For Sharon -- Wiseguy
    (MF rom)
    [10,10,10,10]

How Much are them Titties in the Email? -- cmsix
    (Flash no-sex)
    [10,10,10,10]

Final Exam -- Uther Pendragon 
    (mF flash)
    [10,10,10,10]

Point of View -- Walt9899
    (MF)
    [10,10,10,10]

Fetters of Velvet -- Uther Pendragon
    (mF m1st hist)
    [10,10,10,10]

Five Hundred -- Wolf Feather
    (MDom/fsub, mast, BDSM)
    [10,10,7,8]

Bedside Manner -- every_horizon
    (MF, sex in a hospital)
    [9,10,5,7]

The Game -- Chiaroscuro
    (MF M-solo oral)
    [10,10,9,10]

The Lord and the Lady -- RustyMagill
    (MF, historical prose)
    [4,8,6,6]

Reviews:
+-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Row -- artie 
    (MF)

The infamous Blue Boy shows up at a new school and sort of drifts
through, simply one more new graduate student on campus. One day,
when he is working through his usual gym routine, Denise walks into
his life with her entourage. She's a goddess, an amazon, a truly
dedicated girl. And she's a rower -- the school champion, as our
narrator determines far too late. So she challenges our Blue Boy and
in the process of preparing for the big race, our narrator learns
about himself, and makes some new friends along the way.

I must say that I really enjoyed this story. It's a little longer
than I normally review, but artie used the length of the story to
excellent advantage, developing characters that I truly cared about,
and teaching me a little about the sport of rowing along the way.
And I never thought that I could relate to rowing, so to capture my
attention is an accomplishment.

The story really is about rowing, but artie warns us about that in
the preamble. Don't get me wrong, artie weaves sex into the story
admirably and with style, but the story is about rowing and his
characters. Or maybe rowing is about sex.

Now, whether or not the infamous Blue Boy wins his bet with Denise
and who pays out is for you to decide. But you have to read the
story to find out.

Technical       :   10
Eros            :   10
Character/Plot  :   10
Crimson         :   10

Story:
http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/artie/www/row2.html
http://assm.asstr-mirror.org/Year2004/47443

Author's site:
http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/artie/www

Posted To ASSM: 13 Apr 2004

+-----------------------------------------------------------------------
For Sharon -- Wiseguy
    (MF rom)

Sharon and Joel are in love; a happy and healthy couple enjoying
life and love and being together. But things aren't necessarily as
they seem, and not all stories have happy endings.

At first, I thought that this story was going to be a romp through a
bunch of meaningless sexual trysts, glimpses into a couple's life
without purpose beyond titillation. Oh, how a Dragon can be wrong.

Trust me. Wiseguy has purpose here, and if I read it correctly
perhaps one of the most noble purposes I've seen in a while.


Technical       :   10
Eros            :   10
Character/Plot  :   10
Crimson         :   10

Story:
http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/Wiseguy/www/html/sharon.html
http://assm.asstr-mirror.org/Year2004/47433

Author's site:
http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/Wiseguy/www

Posted To ASSM: Mon, 12 Apr 2004

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How Much are them Titties in the Email? -- cmsix
    (Flash no-sex)
    {review requested}

I have no idea how to summarise or even rate this story, so I'll
simply do my best.

Our East Texan friends, 'sugarplum' an' dat narrator, are online and
checkin' their e-mail when some nice person offers them ... err ...
bodily enhancement. Well, 'sugarplum' is more than willing but when
she comes home to show off her new knockers, she meets with a
surprise of her own.

Now, some may really groan and shake their heads at the scores
below. After all, this is not written in standard English, but
rather in Texan dialect. This is used toward purpose so there ain't
no point dissecting the technical merits, beyond asking ourselves:
Is this effective? It's wrong, sure, in a classic sense, but oh my,
it's funny as cmsix fully intended. And that, my friends, makes it
right -- at least in my books.

I was entertained, and that's all one can really ask, right? I
would say success on all fronts.

Thanks, cmsix.

Technical       :   10
Eros            :   10
Character/Plot  :   10
Crimson         :   10

Story:
http://assm.asstr-mirror.org/Year2004/47483

Author's other works:
http://assm.asstr-mirror.org/cgi-bin/field_search.cgi?search=cmsix&index=name&submit=Search

Posted To ASSM: Thu, 15 Apr 2004

+-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Final Exam -- Uther Pendragon 
    (mF flash)

This remarkable flash piece explores a student/teacher relationship
in subtle, dreamy tones. It works because our imagination is drawn
to the couple and what they are experiencing, even without heavy
sexual description.

We all have to move on sometimes.

Technical       :   10
Eros            :   10
Character/Plot  :   10
Crimson         :   10

Story:
http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/Uther_Pendragon/www/story/exam.htm

Author's site:
http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/Uther_Pendragon/www/index.htm

Posted To ASSM: Wed, 14 Apr 2004

+-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Point of View -- Walt9899
    (MF)

Craig and Shelly do not have a picture perfect marriage. In fact, it
has been a while since Shelly wanted anything to do with Craig.
Sexually or otherwise. But before we go condemning Shelly, let's
mention that before Craig's multiple infidelity escapades, Shelly
was far more ... loving and accommodating. But, of course, you have
to understand that Nancy, and Andrea, and Miranda didn't mean
anything to Craig. He didn't love them -- he only adores Shelly. Or
at least that's his point of view.

So one day, Shelly agrees to accompany Craig on a walkthrough of
their tenants' house. You know, just to make sure everything is fine
while the tenant is gallivanting across the globe. Craig is a little
surprised since Shelly has barely spoken to him in weeks. But when
Shelly gets a little frisky on the futon under the mirrored ceiling,
Craig goes with the flow even when Shelly ties the hapless creature
down. Then, with the help of some modern technology, and a teenager
named "Rod," Craig finds out exactly what Shelly's point of view is
on the state of their relationship.

[It had begun earlier that morning, {in the Shelly} had looked at
 him, in ...]

Missing the word "way". This is mostly for Walt's benefit, though.
Either I was lost in the story and didn't notice any other typos or
there weren't any. Given the length of the story, that's pretty durn
good.

Now, normally, I'm not a fan of femdom stories, at least not those
that involve a male character being strapped to a futon. Worse,
Walt didn't warn me of it in the story codes. But to be honest, I
can't find fault here either. The femdom aspects weren't heavy, and
were carefully integrated into the story with definite purpose well
beyond that found in most femdom genre stories. As such, had I
written this story, I probably wouldn't have coded it either. But
for those of you that get completely squicked out with even the
thought of this kind of scene, no matter how well integrated into
the story it is, well, I've warned you, but know that it is your
loss.

I loved the premise of this story. Walt gives us tons of character,
with realistic emotions and presentation -- something you don't
always see in these kinds of stories. I mean, technically, we are
dealing with multiple cheating, combined with femdom overtones here.
And Walt pulls off a story that is erotic, meaningful, and
entertaining.

Thanks.

Technical       :   10
Eros            :   10
Character/Plot  :   10
Crimson         :   10

Story:
http://assm.asstr-mirror.org/Year2004/47484

Author's other works:
http://assm.asstr-mirror.org/cgi-bin/field_search.cgi?search=Walt9899&index=name&submit=Search

Posted To ASSM: Thu, 15 Apr 2004

+-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Fetters of Velvet -- Uther Pendragon
    (mF m1st hist)
    {repost}

I know -- two Uther stories in one instalment of Crimson Reviews?
To be fair, they are both very short pieces. And to be honest, Uther
is one of the only authors at the moment posting stories that meet
my reviewing criteria. That's a hint.

Anyway, we join our story as the Prince of the land is being
imprisoned. Why? Well, that's not really important is it? Probably
some trumped up charge of treason, or inciting riots, or slaying
innocent Dragons. But I digress. Our Prince is locked away in a
cell that is virtually inescapable. As he paces and looks for a way
to escape, a girl -- a servant -- a slave -- drops down the ladder
to attend to him. They talk and she attends to him.

I liked this story for the sheer simplicity of it. Don't get me
wrong, there is depth here but it is a subtle depth -- metaphorical
if you will. I don't have to tell those reading these reviews that
this is what Dragons like in erotic stories.

And I especially liked the title.

Technical       :   10
Eros            :   10
Character/Plot  :   10
Crimson         :   10

Story:
http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/Uther_Pendragon/www/story/fetters.htm

Author's site:
http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/Uther_Pendragon/www/index.htm

Posted To ASSM: Thu, 15 Apr 2004

+-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Five Hundred -- Wolf Feather
    (MDom/fsub, mast, BDSM)

In a soft spring rain, Josephina kneels in the grass, surrounded by
mountains, under the watchful eye of her master, Andrew. She has
been commanded to pleasure herself, and so she does. At least she
does until she decides to be adventurous and dip her fingers inside
without permission.

The story is reasonably well written -- I didn't see any obvious
technical problems. I was distracted by the use of capital and
lowercase to denote dominant and submissive characters -- even
extended to pronouns leading sentences. While I realise that this is
common practice for BDSM tales, I still find it distracting, but I
recognise that people reading BDSM tales regularly are probably used
to it.

For me, I found the plot a little simplistic. Really, we are only
dealing with two people who are obviously into BDSM. This plot only
consists of images and their play -- there isn't much in the way of
depth, except, perhaps, that safewords are not meant to be used. I
didn't get any inspiring insights into why they liked to play this
way, or why Andrew would take some of the actions that he did (again,
the safeword scenes bothered me a little without adequate
explanation) -- but I don't think the story was really aiming at a
lot of depth either. I think for what Wolf was intending, it works
well enough, even better than average -- it simply doesn't match
what I review for and there's no reason that it should. It will tend
to appeal to those that already understand the allure of BDSM.

What I did like about this story is that Wolf did an admirable job
of establishing character. We gained insight into Josephina and how
she might feel, and by extension, Andrew, who is driving this sexual
escapade. I also liked the setting -- what is sexier than a cabin,
tucked into the mountain, and a girl pleasured in a soft spring
rain? Lovely descriptions.

An interesting and sexy diversion.

Technical       :   10
Eros            :   10
Character/Plot  :    7
Crimson         :    8

Story:
http://assm.asstr-mirror.org/Year2004/47515

Author's other works:
http://assm.asstr-mirror.org/cgi-bin/field_search.cgi?search=Wolf+Feather&index=name&submit=Search

Posted To ASSM: Sun, 18 Apr 2004

+-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Bedside Manner -- every_horizon
    (MF, sex in a hospital)
    {uncoded originally}

When a blizzard buries Scott's driveway, he gets dizzy shovelling
and winds up in the Emergency Room in the local hospital. There,
clad only in one of those infamous draughty gowns, he receives a
visit from Dr. Sharon Collins. Our good doctor examines Scott,
pronounces him healthy and for good measure proves that Scott is up
for some further exertion.

[ "Not everyone's so lucky. We get a lot of {cardiac arrest} coming 
  through here with snow on their boots. But I'm going to give you 
  a quick ... ]

Probably should be pluralised. Overall, horizon writes a remarkably
clean story. Spelling and grammar seem fine; only the odd dropped
quote and typo that I noticed. Most, I reckon, wouldn't notice it.

The story amounts to a quick tryst between doctor and patient, with
a few terrible puns thrown in for good measure (actually the puns
did make me smile, but I'm obligated to at least pretend that puns
are the lowest form of wit). We don't really get to know our
characters beyond their sexual proclivities, nor why our good doctor
decided to have her fun with Scott. But that's what fantasy is all
about, right? Not much depth, but a fun concept here. If nothing
else, it is a nicely written fantasy.

Technical       :    9
Eros            :   10
Character/Plot  :    5
Crimson         :    7

Story:
http://assm.asstr-mirror.org/Year2004/47517

Author's site:
None Available

Posted To ASSM: Sun, 18 Apr 2004

+-----------------------------------------------------------------------
The Game -- Chiaroscuro
    (MF M-solo oral)

He sits in the hotel chair while she lounges on the bed. "Close your
eyes," she murmurs. He obeys and they descend into a mutual fantasy,
one that is a game, cat and mouse; a game of pleasure and
imagination. Who wins this game, you ask? Quite frankly, the reader
does, but that's not what you meant, is it?

Overall, this short piece is very well written. Fun. Sexy. Perfect
for what was intended by Chiaroscuro. Loved the descriptions, the
simplicity and the atmosphere. Enjoy.


Technical       :   10
Eros            :   10
Character/Plot  :    9
Crimson         :   10

Story:
http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/Chiaroscuro_Main/www/ck-lit/ck02_TheGame-hotel1.htm
http://assm.asstr-mirror.org/Year2004/47493

Author's site:
http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/Chiaroscuro_Main/www/

Posted To ASSM: Fri, 16 Apr 2004

+-----------------------------------------------------------------------
The Lord and the Lady -- RustyMagill
    (MF, historical prose)

In what I presume is a medieval castle, a lady sleeps while some
sort of celebration winds down outside. The door to her room opens,
and a lord, much older than the woman, enters. Our lord is obviously
taken with the girl under the covers, and he proceeds to have his
way with her.

[ The wind was blowing the heavy drapes at the stone casement window. ]

There isn't anything inherently wrong with this sentence. I simply
wanted to point out the passive tense here in the first sentence of
the story. If this was re-written as:
  "The wind blew the heavy drapes ..."
there is a better sense of immediacy and impact for the reader.
Now, ultimately, this is the author's choice and mine is only a
suggestion here. There are more factors involved, mostly involving
cadence and atmosphere. I, personally, didn't see any reason to use
the passive mode here, but it also isn't technically wrong. Simply
something to think about, for all authors.

[ A few {stool} in front of the fire, two large wooden dressers ... ]

Maybe "stools"? Not quite sure what Rusty was going for here.

[ His soft doeskin blouse and pants{,} can't keep his body from 
  shivering and dots of moisture {spots} his back as the snow 
  turns to rain with the heat. ]

"spot". The comma after 'pants' is unnecessary.

I couldn't tell if these types of errors, which unfortunately
permeate the entire story, are a case of fumble fingers or perhaps
an unfamiliarity with the rules of conjugation.

Rusty also uses many sentence fragments. This can be effective if
done with purpose, but I really didn't see any here. Perhaps, Rusty
was aiming for atmosphere with the fragments. For me, it wasn't
effective, but that might have been because I was being jolted from
the story with the other English errors.

Overall, the story simply needs a proof-read, and the technical
scores would rise dramatically.

For me, there was a little too much sexual description, and that
ended up lowering the Eros score below. However, I suspect most
readers wouldn't be bothered by it.

I did like the atmosphere of the piece. When I could get around the
technical issues, I loved the feeling of being in a draughty old
castle, Kings and Queens and Mistresses surrounding the smoky
passages and stone corridors. While there isn't much in the way of
plot here, the descriptive images of the setting and the atmosphere
of the piece are enjoyable.

Technical       :    4
Eros            :    8
Character/Plot  :    6
Crimson         :    6

Story:
http://assm.asstr-mirror.org/Year2004/47521

Author's site:
None Available

Posted To ASSM: Mon, 19 Apr 2004

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-- 
Pursuant to the Berne Convention, this work is copyright with all rights
reserved by its author unless explicitly indicated.
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