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From: Jack C Lipton <jcl@bogus.mailbox.server.org>
Subject: {ASSM} Late Arrival [4/4] (MF rom angst exhib)
Lines: 431
Date: Thu, 22 Apr 2004 16:10:04 -0400
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Author: Jack C Lipton <cupasoup@softhome.net>
Title: Late Arrival
Part: 4/4
Universe: Arrivals
Summary: Endings don't preclude beginnings
Keywords: MF rom angst exhib
Revision: $Revision: 1.7 $
Archive: http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/CupaSoup/www/
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RCS: $Id: goneButNot.x,v 1.7 2004/04/20 11:08:17 jcl Exp $


			Late Arrival
			    4/4

		      by Jack C Lipton

We cast off the lines and slowly worked our way out of the
marina.  Aboard with me were my two biological daughters
with their husbands, my step-daughter with our infant son,
myself and two of my daughter's husbands.  An urn rested in
the galley, awaiting an appointment.

It had been a busy year, filled with both a bunch of highs
and then a set of lows, culminating in this trip.

I'd assigned Pam to the wheel where she managed both course
and speed during our slow run to the ICW and continued, with
bare sticks, across the small bay to "structure C".  We had
to traverse this draw-bridge in order to get to the Gulf of
Mexico.  Pam had arranged her long locks using her "CREW"
hat to gather her pony tail which now blew in the wind.  She
still carried some of the weight that had come with JJ (Jack
Junior) added, truth be told, to her beauty.  She was very
happy her pregnancy had enhanced her feminine figure.

Despite the somber mood we all carried I felt warmth in
observing Carl holding his wife in his arms on the foredeck
as he gave her a back rub.  Kelly's bulging belly showed she
was pretty far along with one of my grandchildren.  It was
reassuring that they had their life-jackets close at hand.
I smiled at my former co-worker's dedication to his wife,
happy for them both.

My other daughter Kim was below, having snagged another of
my former co-workers after her divorce.  It seemed the twins
had coordinated things well for my ego (and likely their
own);  both of them were well on the way to bearing me
grandchildren.  It was good that their first trimester was
over and their morning sickness abated for this trip.  Like
Pam they were pleased with some of the changes that
pregnancy had wrought.

My youngest child, the son of my step-daughter, slept in his
baby seat on a berth in the main cabin with Kim and Joey
in attendance.

We'd timed it well;  we didn't have to wait more than five
minutes before the next scheduled opening (even though we
still had to call for it).  We only had to brave the wakes
of the various fishing boats who were short enough to just
zoom along under the drawbridge, roughening the water for
the rest of us.  It was a good thing we'd had practice here.

We got through the bridge and continued with the east wind
on our beam as I jumped up onto the deck.  Joey, clad in his
life vest as I was, joined me in hoisting each of the sails
in turn;  Kelly and Carl worked to stay out of the way.
Once both halyards had been secured he rejoined his wife
below and I started trimming the sails.  Pam put the
transmission into neutral after throttling down the little
diesel, letting it run for another minute as we picked up
speed from the wind.  Our sails billowed, filling with the
breeze and the boat started heeling as we accelerated,
allowing me to further trim the sails.

Throughout this process my son slept.  He'd been here enough
in the past with his mother and his grandmother, my wife.
It seemed he'd consistently slept better on the boat.  Pat
had commented, despite her discomfort at the time, that it
probably reminded him of Pam's womb.

    ----------------------------------------------------    

I'd spent a lot of the last year sailing with my wife.  Yes,
she knew her end was near, but we spent that time together
after so long lost from each other.  In our travels we'd
discovered we still fit together in every way that counted.
And it was that very fit that made her shortened life hurt
me so much.

Wandering around the Caribbean had been wonderful as we
island hopped.  We'd arrange to have our daughters fly in
for a week-end with us here and there.  Beyond continued
contact and comfort with our family, it worked for other
reasons (like bringing down Pat's pain meds).

When Pat's brain tumor had progressed enough to make it too
hard for her to work with me on the deck, it was time to
sail back to Tampa.  This was hard to do, but we felt it was
best to ensure that all of the family was together.  By this
time only Pam was available--  and she'd flown down with JJ.
She and I would do the real work of piloting the boat back.

It is strange how happy an infant can be on a sailboat.

Looking back on that time only a month before...  I realized
it must have been like a wonderful gift to Pat, a chance to
see, hold and care for her own grandson, knowing that
another generation had started.

As we'd worked our way around Cuba despite the storms we
occasionally faced (not having been able to hold off for a
better weather window) Pat had been able to keep JJ
entertained while Pam and I worked alternating watches to
run us back.  Through this Pam was always on call to feed
her son.  I've been told this got entertaining when I was
sound asleep.

Admittedly, he didn't always do a good job draining her so
I got my turns too.  That tended to make it worth my while
to wake up.

We'd made it back in to the marina during the evening;  it
was funny how JJ fussed once he was on dry land.

Pat's end had taken another week, her life ebbing away on an
hourly basis.  Her last words were to me: "thank you for
coming back" before she faded into sleep.  She never
reawakened in the following 36 hours before she was gone.

    ----------------------------------------------------    

This history fresh in my memory, some of the weight on my
soul was soon lifted as if carried by the wind, the deck
shivering to a symphony of wind and wave.  With the motor
off, the quiet was broken only by the wind in the wires, the
occasional slap of waves against the hull, and the marine
radio occasionally muttering out calls between boats.

We turned west once past Pass-A-Grille placing the wind
mostly behind us;  this time it was Carl helping me trim the
sails for this broad a reach.

Once we'd winched and set the sheets, I turned to smile at
Pam and my smile died aborning.

She's changed her hat.  Pam was now wearing Pat's hat.

All right, I knew it was planned, but my smile died suddenly
on seeing her with Pat's "FIRST MATE" hat.

Such a small thing, it brought the immensity of my loss home
to me.

Pat was the second wife I'd lost.

Pat had made me promise to wed Pam, her daughter.  Pam and I
had agreed.  At the time this promise had helped me, even
with the difference in our age, to hang on.  We'd said our
vows only the day before.  Despite our intimacy, I wasn't
yet thinking of her as my wife.

I was suddenly afraid.  I was very afraid.  For a panicky
moment I had no idea why.

A sudden flash and I saw through to my fear.

I didn't want to lose my third wife.  I couldn't cope with
the idea that I could lose Pam, despite her youth.  There is
a time when one can feel cursed, when the little self-doubts
suddenly expose themselves as larger issues.

And I wondered if it was fair for her to face my end, for
the odds were for her to outlive me.

Our eyes met and it felt like she could see through to my
very soul, just as Pat had.  Her eyes trapped me and she
smiled to me.  In that instant...

    ----------------------------------------------------    

Pam had surprised me, just days after we met, telling me she
had ovulated.  Her egg racing to my sperm, it seemed, and
met.  JJ was, as near as we could figure, a product of our
first coupling.

When she'd told me of her ovulation schedule my heart had
fallen, feeling that I'd betrayed Pat.  I was devastated.

My moping motivated Pat had to fly down the following week
to console and reassure me that I had not, in fact, betrayed
her.  Instead she tried to tell me she was happy.

I didn't immediately understand why she seemed so incredibly
pleased given that I'd apparently impregnated her daughter.

Mind you I wasn't about to suggest she dispose of it;  part
of me was feeling desperate to actually hold my own baby in
my arms.

The real bombshell dropped the following week but not until
she'd assured us (by pushing us together) that she wanted us
to be lovers, if not more.

Pam's warm presence had cushioned me when Pat finally told
me about the borrowed time she faced.  An inoperable tumor
had her facing radiation and chemotherapy once our wedding
and honeymoon was over.  We didn't know then that the
treatments would be ineffectual with this cancer, we hoped
and expected the best.

When the treatments turned out to be futile, though...

We knew what was needed, of course.  Faced with a shortening
amount of time, we chose to pack in as many happy memories
as we could.  We wanted her life to feel it had been full.
That it would fill my life, too, had not been planned.  It
happened for me, too.

Given her remaining time, I'd left my job when the time came
for the wedding.  Except for trips back to Tampa with Pat to
see Pam as my baby grew within her we were staying together
on the Island.

Each of those visits included Pam and I "getting it
together" under Pat's supervision.  I understood what Pat
wanted but it bowled me over to realize that her daughter
Pam was in full agreement.

Despite the pain, nausea, sickness, weakness and despair I
witnessed in the first three months of my marriage to Pat...

I won't say it was fun, all right?  It was awful.  It was
hard to face.  And no matter how much I loved her, I felt
powerless to help her do more than find physical comfort.
That sense of impotence is hard to bear.

But I bore it.

As much as it was difficult to bear, I could never have
lived with myself had I not been there for Pat.  I did my
best to pour my own strength into her abused body, holding
her, keeping her warm and getting her to the toilet when she
needed it and washing her when she was weak.

As soon as we recognized the futility of further treatments
Pat and I talked it over and popped her specialists the
bird.  Flying down to Tampa we stayed with my pregnant
lover, and again Pat made sure that Pam got attention from
me.  By this time Pam's pregnancy was progressing normally;
Pat and I took advantage of my old condo at the marina and
started sailing.  We'd slowly increased our range a little
bit at a time, getting Pat comfortable.  She took to it like
a duck to water.

Our sail down to Key West had been the acid test.  Pat did
fine.  We flew Pam down for a week-end with us before we
jumped off to the Caribbean.

I missed her.

    ----------------------------------------------------    

That's when JJ fussed and I knew it was his dinner time.

As I reached for the wheel Pam kissed me before going below.

We'd discussed this, Pat and I.  Cremation followed by her
ashes sprinkled on the Gulf of Mexico, our family around us.

    ----------------------------------------------------    

I'd come so close to being ready to lay down and die so our
ashes could mingle;  it was only my promise to wed and care
for Pam that kept me going.

I won't lie;  Pam laying JJ down on top of me to sleep was
some of the best therapy I'd ever gotten.  Grief could pass
holding this part of Pat and myself.

    ----------------------------------------------------    

When the moment came we'd already turned south again, the
sails fully inflated in a reach, and the perfect conditions
to say good bye to what was left of my first love's body.

I stood on deck and exposed the urn to the wind in the slot
and Pat's ashes stirred and lifted, carried away by the wind
like the tail of a comet.  It did take some time before the
small receptacle was finally empty, time enough for silent
prayers by all of us;  we watched as her ashes took flight
into the air and out on to the sea.

Good-Bye, my dearest.

Turning to the woman who'd borne me a son and the two
daughters I'd not known I had for over thirty years, I wept.
I'd managed to hold much of my grief within until now.

When I returned to myself I was in my cabin, wrapped up in
a warm woman.  I could tell she was warm because she was
quite naked and I was spooned against her.  Pam lay within
my arms.  I felt good like this.

It took only another minute to discover that I could feel
very good;  something I'd missed since Pat's death returned
to me and Pam was soon receiving it.  Her moans of approval
reached me and we were soon mutually rewarded.

We weren't quiet.

Boy were we not quiet.

We got smiles of pleasure and approval from everybody when
we crawled out.  Both of my real daughters hugged me once JJ
was handed to his real mommy; each of his aunts (and,
literally, half-sisters) had pacified him by the simple
expedient of putting him on their own teats.  I thought I
saw some sign of reluctance in Kim's eyes when she pulled JJ
away from her nipple.

Carl looked pretty good;  he'd taken Pam's CREW hat as he
stood by the wheel, running his eyes around to maintain his
situational awareness and maintaining our course southward.

It was a beautiful day, the bimini was down, the sun was
shining, the wind was touching us and my life with Pam just
beginning.  Our honeymoon could truly commence once her
mother's remains found repose.

Kim had handed me a mug of tea before I climbed up into the
cockpit.  I was sitting with Joey and Carl as I sipped the
brew and we sat in a companionable silence, nodding at each
other now and then, and I got my next surprise.

My daughter Kim popped out of the hatch completely naked and
holding a bottle of sunscreen.  Pointing to her husband, she
said "You, me, this sunscreen, the foredeck.  Now."

I have to admit my daughters are beautiful women;  their
pregnancies had somehow increased their beauty to me, now.
Joey was no idiot, he scrambled and they both carefully
moved to the foredeck where he started working the sunscreen
into her skin.

The wind was not so strong that we couldn't hear her moans
of approval along with the directions to pay extra attention
to some of her bits.

Kelly came up with another of the bottles of sunscreen we
carried on the boat; again, like her sister, quite naked.  I
only knew it was Kelly because of the one scar on her arm
where a perp had tried to knife her before she subdued him.
I was told to take the wheel "After all, dad, you had your
fun already.  It's our turn now."  I watched Carl blush as
she led him to the cabin's top.  Again, it was a nice show.

And I'd been told by Pam that once they'd both been pregnant
that they'd swapped each other's husbands a couple of times.
Heck, Pam was familiar with both of their husbands, too, as
she evaluated them for her sisters.  It seemed a miracle
that she chose to stay with me.

I'd not yet surrendered to Kelly and Kim's threat to try me
out.  Despite Pam's encouragement.  I thought life was far
too complicated already.  Pam had remarked some nights
previously that I wouldn't be able get either of my
daughters pregnant this trip so inbreeding wasn't a problem.
The eyes the girls (all right, women) gave me were
mischievous.  I knew by now that Kel and Kim and Pam were
bisexual and loved each other;  I was comfortable with that.
Pam told me, though, that seeing Kel and Kim's face in me
had been attractive to her.

Pam arrived in the cockpit with the baby in her arms and
took a seat.  She was also quite naked as she nursed our
son.  Our eyes met and she smiled.  "There is more sunscreen
on-board, right?  I forgot where we stowed it."

I nodded.  She reached with her free hand and took the
wheel: "Get it, please."

My quick response getting up and diving for the stash under
one of the berths (if there's one thing you go through
quickly in Florida, it's sun-screen.  Oh, yeah, and water,
too, so we had a good stash of both).

I first greased up my son with the cream as he slept, Pam
handing him to me.  I then brought up his baby seat and
placed it on the cockpit sole with us, placed him in it,
and opened the seat's sun-shade.  Only then did I get to
hear more directly appreciative moans from Pam as I spread
the sun-screen all over her body while she handled the
wheel. I paid extra attention to the little bit between her
legs.  Only her nipples avoided treatment, needing to keep
them clear for JJ... and me.

When she said "Your turn" I looked surprised, then followed
her order.  I realized that Pat must have told her about the
times we sailed naked.

Looking around I could tell that the whole boat had become a
clothing optional zone.  I caught Carl tossing the bundle of
his own clothes down the main hatchway to a berth.  He saw
me and gave a thumbs up with his smile before turning back
to Kelly.

Well...  it was easy to see that I had a very happy family.

And Pam was having way too much fun coating me with the
sunscreen.  It's times like this that I really wished I'd
invested in self-steering gear.

When Pam curled up to my side at the wheel it was just like
Pat ... and the sudden recall didn't hurt this time.  I
realized that I had said my good-byes, I had given Pat the
best I could in a bad situation, and that I couldn't hold
many regrets.

Pat's time had been short, yes.  But instead of obsessing on
her death, we'd chosen to live it instead.

It was Pam, now, reminding me to live.  Today.  Not in my
yesterdays, but today.

And today looked like a very beautiful day.  I would enjoy
watching today's sunset with my extended family, too.

They belonged.  And so did I.

-- 
Pursuant to the Berne Convention, this work is copyright with all rights
reserved by its author unless explicitly indicated.
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