index


Message-ID: <47471asstr$1081984203@assm.asstr-mirror.org>
From: Crimson Dragon <dcrimsonp@nym.alias.net>
Subject: {ASSM} {REVIEW} {Reviews} Crimson Reviews - #033 - 14-Apr-2004
Lines: 359
Date: Wed, 14 Apr 2004 19:10:03 -0400
Path: assm.asstr-mirror.org!not-for-mail
Approved: <assm@asstr-mirror.org>
Newsgroups: alt.sex.stories.moderated,alt.sex.stories,alt.sex.stories.d
Followup-To: alt.sex.stories.d

-----BEGIN PGP SIGNED MESSAGE-----

I know. It's been a while ... life is hectic. What can I say?
Don't know if this will be regular again, but I read a few
stories, and well ... 

Since ASSM/ASSTR wandered back into existence, we've seen
memories, sultry voices, hymns, twisted fairy tales, and after
party fun. With these, we are concerned this week.


"Looking out a dirty old window.
 Down below, the cars in the city go rushing by.
 I sit here alone and I wonder why."
                             -- Kim Wilde

+-----------------------------------------------------------------------
The missives below are merely opinions, publicly stated, but only 
opinions. Dragons may be immortal, but they are not infallible. Read the 
stories for yourself, and form your own opinions. Then, let the author 
know what you thought. Celeste's blowjob principle isn't smoke in the 
wind.

 - Crimson Dragon (dcrimson@yahoo.com)

http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/Crimson_Dragon/www
http://members.tripod.com/files/Authors/Dr/wwwagon_Of_Crimson

Review Archives:
http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/Crimson_Reviews/www

Thanks to Denny for checking over the reviews for obvious
bungles, though ultimately any errors herein are mine and mine 
alone. Also, big thanks to Rui, who always comes through with
the story links, even the obscure ones.

+-----------------------------------------------------------------------
If you like the stories contained in these reviews, Rui helps run
the Clitorides, which is a "People's Choice"-type award system
for exceptional erotica. You might want to nominate any story that
tickles you.

Silver: http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/Clitorides/www/Silver_Clitorides.htm
Golden: http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/Rui_Favorites/www/Clitorides/
+-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Story Summary:
+-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Memory -- f. aces
    (MF, nosex?, true)
    [9,10,10,10]

The Voice -- Electric Witch
    (Submissive Female Fantasy)
    [6,10,5,7]

Ebenezer -- Uther Pendragon
    (MF)
    [10,10,10,10]

The Three Bears and Goldilocks -- Y. Lee Coyote
    (M/f, spank, no sex, moralistic)
    [6,3,8,7]

After Party -- manoverboard
    (FFM)
    [3,8,4,5]

Reviews:
+-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Memory -- f. aces
    (MF, nosex?, true)
    {review requested}

In a lonely hotel room, Danny reminisces even while experiencing
different things.

[ And I roll over, throwing my arm around the waist of this girl, this
  {phatasm} who is taller now in the moonlight through the window, maybe
  curly-haired, maybe high of cheek. Maybe she smells of hotel soap ... ]

"phantasm"

However, the imagery here is exceptional.

[ And when I kiss her, I don't know how she kisses, with a slight {muoue} of
  the lips ... ]

"moue" (though I'll admit I had to look it up and I learned a new
word today)

Normally, I'm not fond of second person accounts, and I normally
advise authors to avoid second person. However, in this case, I
think it works.  One must be careful writing in second person; in
other words, ensure you have purpose in doing so. aces doesn't write
the entire piece in second person, which helps. However, I will say
that aces' style here is very effective, and the viewpoint is
appropriate for what he is trying to accomplish. There is certainly
purpose here.

The imagery and the subtlety are spectacular. Very nicely done.

Technical       :    9
Eros            :   10
Character/Plot  :   10
Crimson         :   10

Story:
http://assm.asstr-mirror.org/Year2004/47265

Author's other works:
http://assm.asstr-mirror.org/cgi-bin/field_search.cgi?search=f.+aces&index=name&submit=Search

Posted To ASSM: Mon,  5 Apr 2004

+-----------------------------------------------------------------------
The Voice -- Electric Witch
    (Submissive Female Fantasy)

Alone in a bar, a woman nurses a drink hoping that it might cure her
hangover from the night before. Suddenly, she hears a voice, a sexy
voice, a commanding voice, and she moves to a more private and empty
booth at the end of the bar. He visits her then, and gives her a
cassette. On the cassette, there are instructions, recorded in that
same sexy, commanding voice. And she melts.

[ ... nursing her drink, hoping it would cure her hangover. The bar 
  {was is} noisy, with people talking all around her. ... ]

One of the big issues with Electric Witch's prose is a propensity to
switch verb tenses. Most of the story is told in past tense, some of
it in present. Such abrupt changes are distracting for most readers.
Above, Electric can't seem to decide. Probably only a typo, but ...

[ ... then she heard it, a soft, deep voice, cutting through the sea of
  other voices, finding {it's} way to her. ... ]

The possessive form of 'it' is 'its' (no apostrophe).

[ Instantly, her body reacted, a warm wave of pleasure rushed 
  through her. ... ]

This really needs a semi-colon or a conjunction, or a re-write.  Two
complete thoughts/sentences here.

Overall, this piece is more of an image, a glimpse into a submissive
woman's mind, than a story. And that, in and of itself is
interesting enough, though I wanted to know more about the lady in
question and who she was. But that's me. I like character and plot.

On the bright side, Electric Witch has a wonderful descriptive
talent. The world she spun was believable, touching on the sensual,
despite the subject matter that she was exploring. If you are into
this kind of play, and inherently understand the mindset, it will
probably appeal to you. Otherwise, enjoy the scenery for what it is.

Technical       :    6
Eros            :   10
Character/Plot  :    5
Crimson         :    7

Story:
http://assm.asstr-mirror.org/Year2004/47280

Author's other works:
http://assm.asstr-mirror.org/cgi-bin/field_search.cgi?search=electric_witch%40hotmail.com&index=email&submit=Search

Posted to ASSM: Mon,  5 Apr 2004

+-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Ebenezer -- Uther 
    (MF)
    {review requested}

Ever get a song stuck in your head? Can't stop from humming it
'cause the neighbours might object to your singing it 'cause the
walls are way too thin? Ever get a *hymn* stuck in your head?

This short story is all dialogue and very effective at that.
Sometimes (most of the time at least for me), subtle writing is far
more erotic than vivid descriptions of pumping hydraulics. Uther's
hit this one and while I'm not sure that Dragons are welcome in most
churches ... it's going to be hard to get this image out of my head
next time I'm singing hymns.

Technical       :   10
Eros            :   10
Character/Plot  :   10
Crimson         :   10

Story:
http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/Uther_Pendragon/www/dial/eeben.htm

Author's Site:
http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/Uther_Pendragon/www/index.html

Posted to ASSM: Tue,  6 Apr 2004

+-----------------------------------------------------------------------
The Three Bears and Goldilocks -- Y. Lee Coyote
    (M/f, spank, no sex, moralistic)

After our three black bears return from their morning
constitutional, they discover that their abode has been invaded,
porridge eaten, chairs smashed, and beds messed. In fact, the
perpetrator remains cheekily ensconced in the smallest bed. Well, we
all know the fairy tale, but this version is a little different.

[ ... prepared breakfast and made the beds.  Father reading the paper 
  noted, again, that she was {a} obsessive-compulsive, that is to say an 
  extremely {neat and fussy, housekeeper} insisting that everything be 
  prim and proper. ]

Seems to me that the comma should be after 'housekeeper'. I suspect it
is just a typo with the article 'a' instead of 'an'. I think
there should also be a comma after 'Father' or perhaps a rewrite to
make it easier to read:
  "While reading the paper, Father again noted ..."

[ Junior knew all {to} well that if he had said even just one of the
  terrible words she kept repeating that his mouth would be 
  {throughly} ... ]

I think Y. Lee meant "too" here. I don't recall "throughly" being a
word.  I suspect the Coyote meant: "thoroughly". I make that particular 
mistake all the time, too. Fingers faster than brain.

This version of the story is told from a different point of view.
The emphasis is definitely on the differing moral of the story. I
honestly think that Y. Lee made a very good attempt at presenting
this tale.  It's different and, as such, enjoyable to read.

As for the sex ... there really isn't any and Y. Lee warns us of
that in the story codes. What Eros there is derives from a parental
spanking scene.  Personally, I don't see the appeal of spanking
scenes, especially not of this nature, but perhaps others more into
the fetish might.  For the record, this particular story doesn't
require Eros to be effective and, if anything, I think Y. Lee put
too much effort into hinting that the spanking might be erotic for
some, and this dilutes the message and moral somewhat. I think Y.
Lee had another agenda with this story.

I think my biggest trouble was merely in trying to shove the
existing understanding of such a well known story from my mind and
accepting Y. Lee's adaptation. Perhaps the story needed a little
more character to establish Goldilocks as a different personality.
Myself, my lair has been burglarised multiple times. I think Y. Lee
is trying to capture the feelings of violation, anger and distrust
that can spring from such an event. Even so, I had a hard time
accepting this version. I think I needed to dislike the fictional
character of Goldilocks more to override my prior understanding.  As
it was, I kept wondering why our bears didn't make any attempt
to find out if there were any extenuating circumstances for the
invasion, rather than immediately jumping to a vigilante justice of
sorts. Don't get me wrong, I understand the feelings, I've lived
them, but would the story have changed if Goldilocks was looking for
shelter after wandering cold and hungry for days after suffering a
rape attempt? Without the background in advance, it is difficult to
relate ... or at least I found it so.  I found myself sympathising
with Goldilocks, and that certainly wasn't Y. Lee's intention and
doesn't fit with his vision of the new moral for the story.

This isn't a version that I would read to my daughter at bedtime.

Nevertheless, it is innovative and different. It certainly has a
point. And the message is certainly valid. Y. Lee has tackled a very
difficult task here, and it is an entertaining attempt. I'm just not
sure if it is as effective as it could have been.

Technical       :    6
Eros            :    3
Character/Plot  :    8
Crimson         :    7

Story:
http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/YLeeCoyote/www/ThreeBearsGoldilocks.htm
http://assm.asstr-mirror.org/Year2004/47333

Author's Site:
http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/YLeeCoyote/www/

Posted to ASSM: Thu,  8 Apr 2004

+-----------------------------------------------------------------------
After Party -- manoverboard
    (FFM)

Our narrator goes home after the party with two girls, Emma and
Rose.  The girls, high on drugs and spliffs and life, get adventurous
and have some fun.

[ We'd been dancing all night{,} our first {time too}. Our first time 
  making it right through to the morning light, and sure enough the 
  {brightenting} day was glowing gently {being} the curtains. We grinned 
  at each other, {remebering} the ... ]

You only get one chance to make a first impression. I have to admit
that given my reviewing criteria, I very nearly gave up with this
many errors in the first three sentences. A spell checker would
certainly help, but basic punctuation is also missing. While there
are times to flout the rules for effect, I don't think this is one
of them.

[ ... turn, I want to see how you guys {fuck".} She giggled. "That's 
  if you don't mind me {watching".} She reached over to a small wooden 
  box by the chair, and ... ]

Punctuation should be placed inside the quotes for this kind of
dialogue.

[ "You're insatiable, {Rose",} {Emma said} as she stood, and shrugged her 
  dress to the floor. {She turns} to me. ]

About half the story is written in past tense, and the other half in
present, sometimes switching around in the same paragraph as above.
Very distracting.

Now, the technical problems, while numerous, can easily be
corrected.  A spell checker, perhaps an editor, review of the basic
rules of punctuation, even a self-proofreading prior to posting
would help immensely.

If you can get past the technical problems, underneath there lies a
somewhat interesting, if unoriginal, fantasy. What makes it
interesting is the details. While the descriptions are a little
heavy for this Dragon, most people will find Overboard's
descriptions of the action stimulating and fun. Two girls, one guy,
all horny and sexy, various positional play and combinations. It's
fun and sexy in its own way. Personally, I like more character and
plot to qualify as a "story", but as a descriptive sex scene, this
piece does work.

Technical       :    3
Eros            :    8
Character/Plot  :    4
Crimson         :    5

Story:
http://assm.asstr-mirror.org/Year2004/47307

Author's Site:
None listed.

Posted to ASSM: Wed,  7 Apr 2004

+-----------------------------------------------------------------------

-----BEGIN PGP SIGNATURE-----
Version: 2.6.3ia
Charset: noconv

iQEVAwUBQH13AkxM3srBk85hAQG9+Qf/aQbmU1NGalIuSTQ6APe1tkSDA9R4GhWg
9Z2Q1r+NnwDJGvKVujz7H6jfYFVkLe8+AlPN3CGJsejy34DaGDhN8g6jCDkpmYpF
ei+D0WPbpXtHUuncSI/nRPCiBFnPczZjiQwdjdUwUPh2e+bElyuP8QydgCaxTZHS
XxLHXJ+PWct4m9lO/rEPMWskWj/9FwtZF4+PhOFe7ySTvPS78I5Op28+hiaQ66b/
0xm8iH4XQeZngKBl7nKJhDu9v/ZdcddZcfkMIr2Q+UNH9ZDq6dgWnzEMCqISFgRc
bYHE+cVWdlCugjgdhRBNmFWz4rrUtZBjg56GbXD9qyFaBXHgAVYSDA==
=ysIV
-----END PGP SIGNATURE-----

-- 
Pursuant to the Berne Convention, this work is copyright with all rights
reserved by its author unless explicitly indicated.
+---------------------------------------------------------------------------+
| alt.sex.stories.moderated ------ send stories to: <ckought69@hotmail.com>|
| FAQ: <http://assm.asstr-mirror.org/faq.html> Moderators: <story-ckought69@hotmail.com> |
+---------------------------------------------------------------------------+
|ASSM Archive at <http://assm.asstr-mirror.org>   Hosted by <http://www.asstr-mirror.org> |
|Discuss this story and others in alt.sex.stories.d; look for subject {ASSD}|
+---------------------------------------------------------------------------+