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Message-ID: <43737asstr$1059876602@assm.asstr-mirror.org>
From: loescott@juno.com
Subject: {ASSM} Warning/ Product Recall 
Date: Sat,  2 Aug 2003 22:10:02 -0400
Path: assm.asstr-mirror.org!not-for-mail
Approved: <assm@asstr-mirror.org>
Newsgroups: alt.sex.stories.moderated,alt.sex.stories
Followup-To: alt.sex.stories.d

Adults Only!!!!!!!!!!!!!

   Do not copy me!  It's not nice!  I'm not a pro writer just a woman with
a colorful past!  So please keep that in mind when you are critiquing my
grammar, spelling, sentence structure..  ECT!  Enjoy!  All my stories are
based on true events in my life..  I write things that actually occur
mainly because I have very little imagination..  Please send your feedback
or whatever to Loescott@juno.com!  or IM me on yahoo at ms_lola_scott

   <1st attachment, "Warning.txt" begin>

   Warning/ Product Recall By Anonymous I need to write this down so that I
don't get lucky enough to not remember some day.  I am not sure if this is
a punishment or not.  I am not sure how it began really but it starts one
night when my heart hurt and I was lonely.  All these nights were like
that, I was lonely afraid, angry, they were all the same.  I am out to get
something would never get from the way that I sought it out.

   Why my ex didn't want me back, I didn't know then.  I still thought that
we would always be together.  I left work dressed and wearing makeup.  It
was Saturday, my college Homecoming game was being played at the nearby
field.  I could hear the roar of the crowd as I got into my car.  My heart
aches, I wonder why I am not there, sitting on a blanket with Ex, cheering
with them.  I drive to my best girl friends house.  I listen to happy love
songs in the car on the way.  Girl is there with her friend, a guy who was
in the army.  We decided to go out.  I begin drinking, fast and hard.  It
seems the more I drink the less I hurt, the less I feel anything.  I drink
out of a cup in the car, on the way to the bar and to the party we
eventually end up at.  I keep drinking feeling the cool liquid sooth my
aching heart.  All of a sudden I feel alive, a feeling which I haven't felt
since then.  But that night, the first night, I hadn't felt alive in a
while either.  I felt beautiful which I know now was an illusion.  But at
that time, at that moment, I was who I want to be beautiful, exotic, sexy.
I wasn't a fat funny looking drunk girl.

   The booze that I poured into my body made me forget for a few hours how
much I hated myself.  I spoke words and felt my fingers do things to Army
that I didn't think I would or could ever do.

   I recall it in blurs.  I hear myself saying I wanted him.  I really
didn't, I wanted Ex, my love.  The only man, who had ever touched me, felt
my heart my beat.

   He was the only one who knew that I was beautiful at one time.

   At that moment though it was just Army and I kissing.

   His lips were thin and his tongue uncoordinated with mine.  When I
realize he's kissing me back, I feel relived.  I feel my body loosing
balance.  Am I falling?  All I know is that I got his pants off, I begin to
suck his cock which was very long, but thinner than Ex's.  It tasted the
same.  Army was thinner, taller, his hands didn't reach for me, but his
sounds were louder clearer.  I recall him lying down with me.  Its cold and
wet the moon was out but it was cloudy.  Were we under a tree?  Hidden?  I
asked him what he wanted, he said he wanted to fuck me, I was surprised.  I
arbitrarily asked about a condom but I really didn't care if we used one or
not.  He said he would pull out.  Fine by me.  I somehow kick off my pants.
I think to my self, the second I stumble on to him the moment before he
enters me that there is no going back.  Ex will never want me now, and
although I know that he didn't want me before this, the fact that I was
sealing it, with my actions, brought me a sense of control.  Army is in me,
I can't feel much I'm too drunk, I move on him.

   Another guy from the party, who I kissed by the bon fire earlier that
night, asked if he could join in, I say no.  I'm afraid suddenly.  I fear
Army isn't there with me at the moment, that he's thinking of someone else
I tell him to say my name, he does.  I still feel like he is far away.  The
only thing that I recall him saying is "after this the neighbors are going
to need a cigarette." I fall off him giving up on making him cum that way,
I expect him to get on top of me, like Ex would.  Look at me while we fuck.
He but we were in the dirt.  It's a fucking party, at a stranger's house.
I'm cold wet and dirty now.  He stands up, I suck his cock a little but my
mouth is so dry that I cant.  He helps me find my panties.  He walks back
in front of me I stumble after him.  I'm numb, I feel nothing no guilt no
pain no pleasure.  I feel nothing but the cottonmouth.

   I told myself I would never have sex with anyone unless I was in love
after Army.  I really meant it.  A few days later I make this resolution I
find myself being fucked by a little man half my size.  The lights were on
my shame unhidden in front of him.  I lay there faking sounds as he rams
his cock in me.  My soul floats away from my body for a moment and from
their look down at myself.  I can't believe that it's me down there.  I
want to stay separated from my body, I feel free away from it.  I think of
how once I looked so beautiful naked, how I wasn't ashamed.  I am back in
my body.  I stare up at the ceiling tears in my eyes, which I could
attribute to my drunkenness.  I think to myself.  How the fuck did I get
here?  Who is this?  I am not even attracted to him, why am I here?  I had
let him touch my thigh, thought nothing of it.  Three of us were in bed. 
Cousin the girl he really wanted to fuck is next to me.  He is on my other
side.  Cousin, beautiful, pure, thin, and angelic falls gently to sleep.

   Little's hand quickly moves up my thigh.  He beings to finger me harder
than I am used to.  I am shocked and flattered.  I can't believe someone
else actually is drunk enough to fuck me.  I begin to stroke his cock, it's
hard and in my memories seems beautiful.  We sneak out of the room away
from Cousin, saying were going to smoke.  We go the empty damp basement. 
We kiss he is a great kisser and I wonder how people are taught that.

   I wonder if I'm a good kisser?  He says he doesn't have any protection,
neither do I but were fucking already.  He never cums, neither do I.  Were
too drunk.  He fist fucks me.  It hurts so badly but I am not saying
anything, just faking pleasure like I do confidence.  I think of Ex and I
hate him.  I try not to think of how he and I made love in the little bed
diagonal to the one that Little is fucking me on now.  Ex made love to me
slowly kissing me touching me, whispering his love for me in my ears as he
came.  I remember the sounds of redwings loosing to the avalanche upstairs
as we made love.  I remember his climax, his pulling out of me, the gray
daylight seemed to illuminate his body.  I felt like a woman complete and
beautiful, giving him satisfaction seemed my greatest gift.  Not now
though, I was on the dirty basement carpet fat and ugly.

   Little fucking me with his diamond hard cock.  I'm still starring at the
ceiling.  Who am I?  Why am I doing this?  Aren't I smarter?  No, I'm not,
cause I let him fuck me again in the morning.

   Three weeks later, I drink too much again, but what else is new.  I
drink cause I'm nervous, I drink cause

   I'm scared.  I drink because I don't know what else to do.  I hate being
around new people.  I hate them looking at me knowing I'm fat.  I hate
knowing that I'm fat.  I hate knowing my chin sticks out, and I'm single
and have failed out of college.  I know that when I'm not drinking I can
feel new people looking at me, and I'm sure they know I'm a total failure.
Drinking doesn't help me from not knowing now, but it does usually dull the
knowledge a little.  The uppers and this 12 pack will make me act like I am
fearless.  But tonight, it wasn't enough.  No matter how much cold alcohol
I push past my lips and moves down my throat travels swiftly down
esophagus, into my stomach, diffuses through that organs semi-permeable
membranes into my blood stream, it will never be enough for me to fogett.
Tonight I'm still me, tonight my reality won't go away.  I'm disoriented,
but also jealous and nervous.  I know that both of these guys, guys I would
have never in a million years let touch me weeks ago, are eyeing Girl.  I
know that one is sad because he is stuck with me.  I decide to let Girl
have some alone time with her guy friend.  It's just an excuse for me to
feel some sort of affection.  I drag the annoying little troll into the
darkness of a bedroom.  He kisses me, which I like but am not turned on by
really.  His skin is cold in some places hot in others.  I find him
repulsive.  But I'm wet.  We were watching porn earlier.  I'm always wet.
My body was trained by Ex to prepare itself whenever he was around.  Now
without Ex my body goes on auto mode whenever any man is around.  My body
doesn't know I think that this guy is an annoying troll.  Fuck it, I think,
I'm not doing anything else, might as well get off with someone else's
around.  I pull of his pants and his cock is so small I'm horrified.  I
suck it, he's rough with me and I like it.  I say he can't fuck me, half
heartily.  He tells me how bad he wants my pussy.  I like how he says
pussy.

   Suddenly he's in me and I let him, it doesn't feel good, but not bad.  I
make him wear a condom but it falls off his little shriveled cock.  I let
him fuck me with out it.  I like how he talks dirty to me.  Ex would have
never done that, never been rough with me.  I let Troll fuck my ass first.
Sort of my own compromise to him not wearing a condom.  Yea fuck my ass not
my pussy it seemed to sound more reasonable that way.  He eventually fucks
them both.  He cums several times pulling, clawing at me smacking my ass. I
pretend I'm someone else.  I pretend he's someone else.  Troll moves over
me, to small, to weak, to cold.  I pretend he is someone else, I wont admit
it is Ex, but its someone who's hands are warm on me.  Kissing me slowly,
filling me deeply.  I feel myself turning and turning in ecstasy spinning
out of control in my drunken illusion.  Reality hits hard, after I'm done.
Little Troll is still there, fucking me.  Reality bites into me tearing my
flesh.  My shame and my fears are pulling at my eyelids.  I want to scream.
I want to cry.  I want to beat this little Troll bastard up for thinking he
could fuck me.  But I don't, I fuck him more.  I let in cum in my mouth. 
His seamen tastes cold and weak, it's like water.  I swallow it.  Ex's was
thick hot heavy and the taste was so over powering.  He falls asleep next
to me.  He falls asleep playing with my nipples sleeping naked.  I want to
take the lamp of the dresser and break it over his head, but I don't.  I
feel like getting sick and I know it's not from the drinking.  I get up and
take a shower, I scrub him off of me.  I hate his smell, it's not bad but I
still hate it.  I notice the bruises all over my breasts and hips.  I put
layers of clothing on.  I contemplate sleeping on the couch.  He snores.  I
want to kill him, but who cares its just sex.  Fuck him.

   I'm at the bar.  Earlier two paths were placed in front of me.  One was
safe, and comforting.  It was more of a road than a path.  A perfect paved
road well lit that let back to Girls house.  There I would have slept
restlessly, but woken up in my familiar guest bed.  The other, path, the
one I chose, was dark.  Unpaved, dusty, mysterious and scary.  A two-track
path in the middle of a foreboding forest with trees that grew twisted and
angry.  I had been down that path a lot lately.  To its frightening appeal
I couldn't resist, this time was no exception either.  I drank to much as
usual scamming with Girl.  I should have my fat ass in bed.  I'm trying to
fit in.  I would never be caught in this place in a million years.  But I'm
drunk, I smile make random eye contact.  Pretend I'm not fat and freakish
and sitting alone at a table for five.  I drink more but I still know they
know I'm fat.  The smile is plastered on my face.  Look available I think
finishing my drink starting another.  How many have I had?  I'm not sure, I
better drink some more.  I'm wearing sneakers, and it freaks me out.  I
look for someone anyone.  Who wants to fuck?  I wanna fuck!  Can they tell
I've lost my soul?  Do I look like I have no soul?  Do they know?  I eye a
guy, when looking at him I think of John Deer tractor commercials, which
I'm not sure exist or if I've ever seen one.  Girl is out in the parking
lot dry humping John Deer's pal a guy with a truck.  I devise a drunken
plot.  I know Girl is fine, but I stumble over to where John Deer is
standing and ask if my girl safe with Truck.  As I slur this another friend
of his takes a cheep feel at my breast.  The friends touch echo's through
my body, I'd fuck him too.  John Deer whispers in my ear that Truck a nice
guy not to worry.  I wasn't in the first place.  In fact John Deer should
worry about Girl doing something to Truck.  Contact was made, I return t o
the table.  I'm alone with Truck in his truck.  Girl fears I'll freak out
and not follow her back to his house, so she has strategically placed me in
a no escape location for transport.  She shouldn't worry its not like we've
never done this.  She is my car with John Deer.  Truck guy comments on my
tits, I ignore him and complement his fine child safety seat in his back
seat.  Girl and I switch cars after two stops, apparently she senses I'm
about to be molested.  To drunk to drive I get in the car with John deer. I
change CDs ten times as I nervously ramble on about sexual things.  I tell
him I don't like country music, you can't fuck to it.  John Deer says he'll
show me that you can.  I know there won't be music but I do know he'll show
me.

   We get out at Trucks house.  Its icy cold outside, I feel the bite of it
on my skin, but I don't really feel the cold.  Girl and Truck disappear
into a bedroom that has a water bed and deer antlers on the wall.  I am
left alone.  John Deer and I sit on a love seat we make arbitrary
conversations for two seconds, I wonder why he thinks he needs to talk.  He
begins to kiss me, it was mutual, I knew I was there to fuck he was to.  He
tastes like the bar, but I get used to it.  He leans in, his body weight is
on me.  I like it, he's gentle.  Once again my switch is turned my body
goes on auto mode and my legs wrap around him.  He kisses my neck I feel
like I'm on fire.  Truck interrupts, standing naked in the living room,
stroking himself.  He's looking for a condom, there in my car.  Truck
leaves.  I don't recall how it happened but John Deer undresses.  I take
off his pants, I actually asked if it was okay, of course it was.  He pulls
his shirt off, I like the way he did it, and he looked so happy and
excited. He asks why girl and I don't worry about catching something.  I
hear my self-saying that its not that were not worried, it's just that were
not afraid.  I wonder to my self at that moment if I actually believe it. I
begin to suck his cock.  He pulls my sweater undershirt and bra over my
head in one graceful motion.  I'm impressed.  His hands feel so amazing on
my skin.  I suck his cock he moans softly, touching my back.  I like his
cock, its nicer than Trolls, it seems to comfort me.  John Deer's hands rub
my neck, it feels so good, and my skin seems to be climaxing with out me.
Somehow now I'm on the floor, telling him not to undo my pants.  He licks
my nipples.  I watch him his tongue is beautiful.  I tell him I cant have
sex with him, I gave it up for the new year.  He says okay.  I let him undo
my pants but I continue to protest, but I let him take them off.  I try to
fight it but he begins to lick me.

   Ex went down on me all the time, making me cum hard, smiling lovingly
touching me comforting me.  I recall rubbing his big strong back when he
came in me, my head resting in-between his neck and beautiful shoulders. 
The comfort of his smell, his touch.

   John Deer expertly fingers me while he uses his tongue.  He feels so
good, but I'm afraid.  I'm way too vulnerable like this.  This was the last
thing Ex and I had that was all ours, his mouth on me, and now like the
years I wasted with ex, it was gone to.  Again with no protection I have
sex.  John Deer fucks me, it feels so good.  He makes me go slow and he's
so gentle.  When I let him in me the first time I slide down onto him, his
strong hands pushed me down on to him.  He feels so good I think I might
die, suddenly I feel my self explode, we both cry out softly.  It feels to
good, intoxicatingly good, I'm shaking.  He's afraid he cant hold back pull
outs.  His skin was so soft, his body hard and strong like his hands.  I'm
not sure where they were all the time, but they felt good.  He keeps making
me go slow down, I'm confused.  He fucks me in odd positions and kisses my
hands and face as he moves in me.  I feel my insides turning again and
again, he feels good he's so gentle.  He holds me tight kisses me softly
when were through, pulling me close when I try to get away.  I feel like
letting go but I wont.  I fuck him again and then again.  As I sober up, I
begin to realize the reality off the situation.  Were in the living room of
someone's mom's house.  The carpet is shag and itchy.  I get dressed, I
wake Girl up.  Truck snores loud.  We leave quickly John Deer says nothing
to me.  We don't even say good bye.  I know it meant nothing.  It was
nothing.  I know that the dead have no feelings.

   Girl and I are on the prowl again.  When were `scamming' were using fake
names now.  Tensions are rising its 1 am and we are having very little
luck. Across from us are two men.  One Mexican the other a country hick, a
wannabe bad ass.  Girl looks at me, I know what she's thinking.  Yea
whatever I think, they'll do.  We start to work.  We smile, and play the
game like the professionals that we are.  Oh how cool we seem as they try
to hide there sexual intentions during normal introductions.  They both
want to fuck Girl, she's normal sized and beautiful.  As the moments pass
and Mexican and Wannabe continue to talk, I realize that I'd rather fuck
the wall than either of these two morons.  Girl is into Mexican, of course,
because he's much better looking than Wannabe.  Wannabe tries to win girl
by showering her with compliments, I laugh because I know all Girl wants is
Mexicans cock.

   I sit in the corner drinking harder hoping that I'll get drunk enough to
start thinking that these guys were somewhat cool.  What am I doing here?
What if my dad walks in?  What is Ex doing?  Why isn't the booze kicking
in? We go to their house.  I am not drunk enough.  Wannabe's inability to
realize that Girl is going to fuck Mexican annoys me.  By now he should
realize he is stuck with me.  I begin to get bored and bitchy.  I take some
more uppers and feel more like fucking.  The four of us watch porn.  I sit
far away from Wannabe because every time he speaks I want to punch him in
his head.  Mexican hassles me about not paying attention to his boy.  I
tell him not to worry about it.  Girl explains to Wannabe that since he's
been all up on her shit all night her sister (me) doesn't want to be second
pick.  Its true but I'm used to being second pick to Girl now.  A long time
ago, I was first choice but that's over now.  Mexican and Wannabe try to
make excuses sayings were crazy.  I wonder if they actually think I give a
fuck what they think about me.  Mexican and Girl go.  Wannabe comes and
sits with me.  He's already on my nerves.  My jeanclad leg is on his lap,
he put it there.  He's touching me.  I let him.  Although I hate him and
find him repulsive, his touch sets me o n fire.  I damn my body, why won't
it knock this off?  He kisses me, as if proving something by it.  He stops
and looks at me says something.  Does he want me to fucking applaud him?  I
suck his cock, it's tiny like the Trolls.  Trolls wasn't even this bad, in
fact I'd have been happy to see Troll instead of this freak.  He gives good
head, but I don't want to let him make me cum.  I let him try to fuck me,
it's less personal.  It's awful.  I want to push him off me, and stab him
over and over with the knife I saw in the kitchen when I went to take more
uppers.  I let him try and fuck me up the ass, he's to small there no
point. I'm still to sober to do this, I think.  I drink more, take more
uppers.  Nothing, Wannabe is still a freak.  I'm still a freak.  He tries
to tell me he's a Hells Angle, right and I'm Kermit the frog.  Great I
think, not only is he a wannabe bad ass, but also wannabe old nasty broken
down biker guy.  I want to run away, but I don't.  I wonder again how I
came to this.  I take more uppers and four or five of some type of
prescription drug, it could be muscle relaxers or painkillers, I know its
in the Valium/Xanax family from my days as a good student.  What ever they
are it doesn't really matter does it?  I let him try to fuck me again.  I
ride him and while he sits there thinking he's actually giving me pleasure
I think about John Deer.  His gentle hands, the way he kissed my face my
hands.  His strong body pulling me closer to him as he moved him me.  I
open my eyes its still Wannabe.  He cums.  I get up, fuck this.  I get Girl
out of bed with Mexican.  We stumble out the door.  Despite my best efforts
I'm still stone sober.  The sun is coming up, Girl and I get drive through
breakfast.  There she discovers she accidentally took money from Mexican. A
lot of money.  It was an honest mistake, but fuck it we think, let's keep
for tonight.  We get home I lay in girls guest bed.  I'm done with this I
think I myself, that was it.  That was the bottom.  I'm done.

   No more drinking, I am getting my life back.  Wannabe was rock bottom. I
thank God I survived all my selfdestruction, and decide to move on.  I'm
really doing it this time.

   A week I find myself in my bed 3am on a Tuesday night starring at my
calendar trying to recall dates of my last period.  Something is wrong. 
It's unthinkable for to be pregnant.  I add days and estimate.  Fuck it I
have to work early.  I roll over and close my eyes and imagine my night
with John Deer.  I hate Ex, I wish he were dead.  He and his fat ugly
girlfriend.  I'm fatter.  I want to scream, but I sleep.

   There are two lines.  Why are there two lines?  This is wrong.  I bought
this test, it was supposed to put my mind at ease.  It's supposed to be
negative, telling me like always, that I'm late because I'm stressed.  I'm
not pregnant.  I'm not.  There are two lines.  I'm imagining things.  I
call my roommate.  I ask her if she sees two lines.  She does.  This is a
sick mistake.  Roommate goes to the store to get more pregnancy tests.  I
call school friend, she is at the store, and she's run into Roommate, who's
filled her in.  She's on her way over.  I call Girl, I need support, and I
need comfort.  Girl says I'm not pregnant not to worry.  I'm not worried
I'm not pregnant.

   Three tests later, two lines, four lines, and pink dots.  All positives.
This isn't funny.  This isn't right, I'm not pregnant.  My mind races, a
flash of John Deer as he came washes over me, he pulled out, I felt it hit
my back.  He pulled me close to him kissing me stroking my skin.  The
second time, I'm about to cum again, he pulled out moaning softly.  I'm not
pregnant.  I can't have a kid.  I'm not ready I'm to fat to stupid to hurt
too angry.  This isn't happening.  This isn't me.  Friend and Roommate look
at me, not knowing what to say.  Friend sits next to me, I begin to cry. 
This isn't how it's supposed to be.  I know what I have to do but I hate to
do it.  Friend holds me, comforts me, Roommate tries not to cry.  They
warned me, they told me not to, I knew better too, but it didn't stop me. I
sit up and dry my eyes.  I look up Planned Parenthood.  There is no number,
I look under clinics, nothing.  Frustrated I give the book to Friend.  She
looks up abortion there is page after page of ads.  I know she doesn't want
to but she hands the phone book back to me.  I write down four numbers. 
I'll call in the morning.

   The office looks informal, like college kids put it together.  A woman I
hope is a nurse in jeans and sneakers give me an ultrasound.  I want this
to stop to end.  I'm early, 3 weeks.  I can't believe I'm relieved.  It
isn't Trolls.  But I already knew that it was John Deer's.  During the
ultrasound I stare at the ceiling wishing.  I wish I were 25, with a job, a
healthy mind and body, a home and health insurance so I could have this
baby alone.  I wish Ex were sitting next to me, his eyes wide as he
searches the little screen for his first look at our first baby.  I wish I
were anything but what I am now.  But I m not.  I'm here alone my eyes
glued to the cheap cork ceiling.  I'm praying that this is just a
nightmare, the screen facing away from me.  I hear nothing.  My soul leaves
my body again, looking down at me in disbelief.  This is the price you pay?
Was it worth it?  I thought you were better than this?  You had so much
potential, now look at you.  You're this?  The nurse asks me if I'm all
right, I tell her I'm fine.  I am really.  I wish I was dead, but I'm not,
so other than that I'm fine.

   A nurse explains to me my options.  She's beautiful, I could have been
her once, hell I could have been her boss, but not now.  She doesn't look
me in the eyes.  Have I considered my options?  Yes, I want it gone.  I
want my child gone.  I wont make it pay for my mistakes.  Tomorrow, its
tomorrow and it will be a little pill that's it.  Over.

   Girl's evil older brother is having a baby with his too young
girlfriend. Girl tells me this on the day, I am to take a little pill that
will correct my mistakes.  It so easy, just pay and all is forgiven.  Evil
and Too Young are having their baby together.  There idiots.  I could raise
a baby better than they could.  I know that they should not have a baby,
but they are.  They have each other.  They are together, and that is so
much more than what I have.  Too Young doesn't have to stand in the shower,
in the morning with white light coming in over the water.  She doesn't have
to ask herself if there is any part of her that wants this baby.  Too young
doesn't have to do this, and I do.  I find nothing in me that says I want
my baby.  I wish things were different.  I wish I knew who John Deer was. I
wish I knew If he was a good man.  I wish he knew the old me, the woman who
Ex loved.  Who I loved.  Who was amazing and smart and wouldn't have fucked
ever a stranger on itchy shag carpet on a Tuesday night.  I wish my baby
would have a mother who was healthy and didn't hate herself.  I wish that
my baby's mother was the real me lean, strong, healthy happy.  But my
baby's mother is me.  I'm here alone in this waiting room alone, fat, ugly,
hateful, bitter and angry, with stringy hair.  I find my self starring into
faces of girls younger than me there with their boy friends.  The
boyfriends stare at me and wonder who was so drunk that they knocked fat
ugly me up.  I wish Ex hadn't left me, that this baby was his.  I know that
although my baby was not in our plans, Ex wouldn't let me destroy him.  Yes
I said him.

   I sit in my car, it's a beautiful day.  Its and hour before I leave for
the clinic I cry and bang my head on the steering wheel.  I'm wishing that
I had someone, anyone, like Too Young has Evil.  So at least my baby
wouldn't have only me to count on.  I'm jealous that stupid flaky Too Young
gets to have her baby and I don't.  I wish for a million different things,
but I'm still there, alone in my dirty car on a beautiful winter morning
tears streaming down my face, in front of my apartment.  Wishing that I
wasn't going to have to do this.  I was better than this, this isn't me.  I
sign the paper, I am handed a little cup.  The pill is yellow with a line
in it, writing.  My mind searches for any sign of protest.  Speak now, or
forever hold your peace, says the priest in my head.  Do I want this?  I
take the pill drink the water.  I do, no going back now.

   I come home I don't cry.  I don't feel anything.  I feel alone, like
everything is empty.  Its like everything is pulled off the walls, all
bleached white.  Stripped, like my uterus will be after this pill is done.
It will be over soon.

   At the last check up the doctor comes in shows me an ultra sound of my
empty uterus.  With exaggerated enthusiasm he tells me that I did very
well, and it's all gone.  Am I supposed to jump up and down?  Get out my
dancing shoes?  I thank him, but all he did was give me a paper to sign. 
It didn't hurt as much as I thought it was.  It was too easy.  So easy, no
pain little guilt.  I begin to bleed.  I say good bye to my baby.  I think
it will come back when I am ready, I will be ready someday.  Sometimes I
see myself with my baby my son, Jackson.  He looks like me and is eternally
three years old.  He looks like John Deer a little.  I can't picture John
Deer's face, so in my head my son has features of some beautiful fantasy
man.  I emptied him from my body, but my soul kept him close.  I made my
choice, truthfully I did the right thing.  It was so easy.  I feel like
nothing has changed sometimes.  Pain, I can't feel.  I'm numb, but I ache.
I write this down because it was too easy, too easy to start over.  It
wasn't supposed to be like this.  It was like this though.  I try to stop
thinking about it.  I try to do what I always did.  No thinking, just
doing. Doing put me here.  I destroyed my baby.  I did what I had to.  I
can't forget him though.  No more drugs.  No more men.  No more booze. 
Roommate and Friend try to tell me to separate from Girl.  I know they have
a point, but it wasn't girl who made me fuck everyone I met.  It was me. 
Me, Trying to escape.  Me, Escaping the pain cause that just caused more.
Ex will never come back, and I will still hurt.  I know that I am worth
more than I think I am, but if I know this why don't I believe it?

   Its 2 weeks later, I found the purple cap of one of the four pregnancy
tests.  I held it in my hand.  My mind raced.  I Think OF HOW I went so
easily from someone I had some respect for, to a person that I have no
respect for.  I hold the purple cap that was my last call, my final
warning. The cap in my hand is from the test that from which I made a
decision to destroy my baby.  Holding it I know I did the right thing.  I'm
not ashamed of my choice, just my actions and thoughts that lead up to the
creation of Jackson.  I held the cap in my hand tightly.  I can forget I
can't go back.  Mistakes are lessons this one I don't want to repeat.  I
write Jackson's name on the cap and the date that I took the little yellow
pill that cast him out of me.  I put it into my box and sat down and wrote
this.  From time to time I read it again, adding things I remember as time
goes on.  I can't forget.  It's too easy.  I won't let myself forget about
what lead me here.  I know I made my bed, I laid in it.  I bled in it cried
in it and suffered in it.  Parts of me died in it.

   Anything bad I did to Ex, I know I've done worse to myself now.  Ex and
I are even now.  I know that I got the raw deal.  Hurting yourself can make
the pain from others seem like nothing.  Wrongs you do to yourself are far
more horrible than wrongs others do to you.  The consequences are greater,
and harder.  I can't forget this.  No matter how easy it would be to.  I
won't.

   <1st attachment end>

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