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Message-ID: <42800asstr$1054771804@assm.asstr-mirror.org>
From: "smilodon" <smilodonREMOVE@postmaster.co.uk>
NNTP-Posting-Date: Wed, 4 Jun 2003 12:44:54 +0000 (UTC)
Subject: {ASSM} Story : Dear Bill (Humour?)
Date: Wed,  4 Jun 2003 20:10:04 -0400
Path: assm.asstr-mirror.org!not-for-mail
Approved: <assm@asstr-mirror.org>
Newsgroups: alt.sex.stories.moderated,alt.sex.stories
Followup-To: alt.sex.stories.d

I was in need of some light relief so I jotted down the following piece of
nonsense:



Dear Bill




Dear Bill,

Thought I'd drop you a line to let you know how things are with me. You may
remember Jessica, that girl I was seeing? I think you met her when last you
came down for the weekend. Well, the simple truth is, we're not together
anymore. It's a bit hard to know where to begin. I think I told you that we
were going through a rough patch. It always seems to happen; after about
three months or so the great initial passion wears off and then you're down
to learning what it's really all about.

Well, without boring you with all the gory details, part of the problem was
sex. It wasn't that she didn't like it, she did, loved it, in fact. It was
sort of more complicated than that. Now look, I'm as broad minded as the
next man and when she said we needed to spice things up a bit I was all for
it. Anyway, she started buying these books and downloading stuff off the
net. At first it was fun. I drew the line at the goatskin underpants but I
didn't really mind being tied up. I could quite get used to a bit of
bondage, although, if I'm honest, thirty-six hours is a little long for me.

No, things stared to go wrong when she introduced the whipped cream and
strawberries. She put on about ten pounds in a week and I got so drained I
swear my cheeks were hollow. Then she wanted to shave my nuts. I said OK,
being a sport. When she produced this sodding great cutthroat razor, I wasn'
t quite so keen. I tell you, one slip and I'd have been eligible for the
Vienna Boys' Choir! So there I was with the old wedding tackle as naked as a
jaybird, apart from the Band-Aids, and she insists I put on this Superman
outfit. I had to climb on top of the wardrobe and 'swoop down on her.' That
was the plan at least. Cheap home-assembly junk isn't all that strong.
Needless to say, the whole bloody issue collapsed and I ended up on the
floor in agony. I mean a joke's a joke but splinters in the arse - that's
furniture!

After that it was Tantric Yoga or somesuch. How the hell you can keep the
old man vertical with your foot behind your ear and every vertebra cracking
is beyond me. I couldn't stand up straight for a week - in either sense. It
didn't stop her, though. She must have supported our friendly neighbourhood
sex shop almost single-handed. I did like the French Maid's outfit and the
Schoolgirl Uniform was a blast. It didn't really have the desired effect,
though. I really don't look good in blue and the high heels - how do women
walk in those things?

Next thing, she suggested a threesome. I was all for it, I can tell you; she
had some very tasty friends. Anyway, it seems we got our wires crossed. She
set up the video in the bedroom and there I was thinking whoopee when these
two strange-looking blokes came in. I looked at her and she looked at me and
then she sort of grinned and said something like 'go to it, big boy!' The
next thing I know, one of these 'Village People' has dropped his leather
togs and is flashing his weapon at me! I jumped straight out of the window.
I mean, seriously, Bill, what would you do? The doctor said it was a just a
severe sprain but I was on crutches for a few days anyway.

Eventually, I recovered enough to be mobile again and she suggested we
should try anal sex. I can tell you, I was just a little bit wary by this
time. I'd seen that thing that looked like an elephant's dong with straps on
in the sex shop and I had this funny feeling... She said we needed to
explore our boundaries or something. I told her we were way beyond that and
in the middle of the next county. All I really need say is we had some
strong words and agreed it was probably best for us to part. Which we did,
just as soon as I could get my sphincter to relax enough to pull that effing
contraption out. It's no bloody fun being pushed around the house like a
wheelbarrow for six hours, I can tell you.

Now, Bill, I'm no prude but you have to draw the line somewhere. To cap it
all, she reversed my car into the gatepost. Put a bloody great dent in it
and ruined the paintwork. That did it for me and I finished with her on the
spot. Anyway, the good news is I've got a new girlfriend. Better yet - she
can't drive!

Yours aye,


Steve.

-- 
Pursuant to the Berne Convention, this work is copyright with all rights
reserved by its author unless explicitly indicated.
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