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Message-ID: <42610asstr$1053771003@assm.asstr-mirror.org>
From: Jennifer Ann <jam1075@bellsouth.net>
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Subject: {ASSM} Innocence Lost, MF, 1st Date rape
Date: Sat, 24 May 2003 06:10:03 -0400
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Innocence Lost

Jennifer Ann
Copyright 2003-05-23


A personal story of date rape.  Warning, it is somewhat graphic.




I am now 27.  I lost my virginity at seventeen, one month short of my 
eighteenth birthday.  The boy's name was Scott and he was two and a half 
years older than me.  I have never spoken to him about what happened.  I 
haven't told many people.  Less than a handful know my story.  I have kept 
it a secret.  However, it is time to tell my story.

I am telling it now for several reasons.  The number one reason is for 
me.  Maybe, by telling it, I can, once and for all, put it behind 
me.  Maybe, Scott will read it and realize just what he did.  Finally, just 
maybe, someone else will not have to experience what I did, because of my 
story.

I grew up in a rather small size southern city and went to a religious 
based high school where chastity was taught as a virtue.  We girls were 
constantly preached to about abstinence and how it was the only way to 
insure full protection from STDs and pregnancy.

It only stands to reason that parents who sent their children to religious 
based private schools were the type who kept a close watch over their 
children's' activities.  I was also involved in choir, dancing and taking 
flying lessons.  So I didn't do a whole lot of one-on-one dating while in 
high school.

Still, hormones do not know what kind of school you go to.  Like all 
teenagers we found ways to discover each other.  During my senior year I 
did get into some heavy kissing and fondling with my boyfriend.  I went so 
far as to suck off my "would be husband" and he managed to get his hands 
inside my panties and finger me.  However, I remained a virgin and planned 
on staying so until the marital bed with golden ring on my finger.

I graduated from our little safe haven of a high school and soon found 
myself on the campus of our state mega university.  We had more kids on 
campus than my entire home town had people and dogs.  I had been blessed 
with a better than average singing voice and had studied dance since 
nine.  So I majored in Fine Arts.  That's where I met Scott.

I signed up for a dance class that had students from different 
levels.  Scott, as a Junior, was also taking the class.  He was simply the 
most beautiful man I had even seen.  He had beautiful blue eyes that 
swallowed you and huge shoulders which tapered down to the most gorgeous 
butt I had even seen on a man in tights.  And, they said that he was 
straight.  I was in LOVE.

Of course, there was no way I could let him know how I felt.  Why, what 
would someone like him see in a little Freshman from the country.  So when 
he actually came up and spoke to me, I thought I would died.  I don't 
remember a thing I said, but I must have said something right.  A couple of 
days later a girlfriend told me that she had heard from her boyfriend, who 
was friends with Scott that he thought I was hot.

A week later he asked me if I wanted to go with him to see a touring dance 
group that was coming to the campus.  We were required to attend a number 
of these events anyway, so I would have said yes to the biggest dork in 
class.  Now, this was Scott asking me.  Of course, I said yes.
After the performance we went to a local pizza place where we met some of 
Scott's friends.  Later, we all left and went to somebody's apartment where 
beer and marijuana appeared.  I was more afraid of the marijuana than the 
beer, so I sipped on a beer.

It wasn't long before Scott leaned over, lifted my chin and kissed me.  I 
was in heaven!  His lips felt like they were the matched pair to mine.  My 
eyes closed and I floated into him and his strong arms, as they wrapped 
around me pulling me into his chest.

I had no objections when his tongue begged for entrance and begin playing 
with mine.  He kissed me down my neck, sending shivers of exquisite 
pleasure through my body.   I felt his hands on my breasts which, excited 
me even more, as he pressed them through my bra and shirt.  It was only 
when he tried to remove my shirt from over my head that I got 
nervous.  There were others in the room.  He suggested that we find a more 
private spot.  At that point, warnings went off.  I was afraid of getting 
into something, which I couldn't get out.  But, I was so excited, it felt 
so good and I was with Scott.  So I agreed.

Soon, I was naked to the waist, as Scott devoured my breasts.  I have never 
been overly endowed, but Scott didn't seem to care.  He kissed and fondled 
them, getting me more and more excited.

I found myself lying back on the bed with Scott's body on top of me I could 
feel his excitement through his shorts.  I also realized that he had moved 
his hand between my legs and was rubbing me through my shorts.  Although, 
my body screamed yes, my mind said NO.  I placed my hand on his and asked 
him to stop.

He didn't want to.  "But, Julie," he exclaimed.

"I'm sorry Scott," I said.  "I don't want to do that right now."

"Why?  Are you a virgin?"

"Yes."

"No shit."

That hurt.  But, I didn't say anything at first.  Finally, I said, "I'm sorry."

"Look Julie," he said.  "You don't have to worry.  I won't do 
anything.  But, you can still enjoy the pleasure.  We just won't go all the 
way."

I was torn between asking him to take me home and giving in.  I was scared 
and yet, I wanted to continue.  I gave in.

I let him remove my shorts but I left my panties on.  That gave me some 
feeling of security.  We resumed kissing and Scott started to finger me and 
rub my clitoris.  But, it wasn't the same as before.  I just couldn't relax 
and enjoy it any longer.  Scott must have picked up on my mood swing.  He 
began to act like he was sad.  He still kissed and touched me but I could 
tell it was somehow different.

"What's the matter Scott?  Is it me?" I asked.

"It's alright Julie.  It's just that you are so beautiful and I want to 
make love to you so bad," he announced.  "And...besides, I've got blue balls."

"Blue balls?"  I asked.  "What's that?"

"It's when a girl gets a guy all excited.  If he doesn't cum, his balls can 
begin to hurt.  It's called blue balls."

Now, I felt like a real shit.  I had gone and caused him to have blue 
balls.  Whatever, that was?  However, it did sound horrible and I felt 
badly for him.

"Can I help?" I asked innocently.

He smiled and shook his head.  "Well, you could let me screw you?"

"No." I said.

"I figured that," he said, "There is one other thing you could do?"

"What's that?"

"You could give me a blow job."

Somehow, I felt like I was being manipulated.  However, I had done it 
before and besides this was Scott, if it would help him?  Why not?

"Ok," I said.

So Scott removed his pants and I got my first look at his penis.  I will 
admit that the thought of giving him pleasure was exciting to me.  My fears 
and doubts left me as I begin tentatively at first, then with more desire 
to; kiss, lick and suck on his penis.

Very shortly, he was trying to force it deeper down my throat.  I kept 
pulling my head back to stop from gagging.  His motions and reactions told 
me he was getting close to cuming.  I had never swallowed before and didn't 
want to do so now.  So I was prepared to remove my mouth when I felt him 
tighten.  I never got the chance.  He grabbed my head and forced it down, 
as I felt him cum into my mouth.

I tried to swallow but his penis was too deep and I couldn't.  I started to 
gag and choke. He must have realized what was happening because he relaxed 
the pressure and allowed me to lift my head enough to stop gagging.  I kept 
my mouth on him and swallowed as much as I could.

Afterwards, he used his briefs to wipe himself off.  We got dressed and he 
took me home.  I lay in bed torn emotionally.  I was pent up sexually from 
the making out but I also felt disturbed, demeaned and somehow dirty.  The 
thought of making myself cum while thinking of Scott didn't seem right.  So 
I did nothing.  Finally, I fell asleep.

*****************

The next week he called and asked me if I wanted to go with him and some 
friends to the upcoming football game on Saturday night.  The game was a 
real experience for me.  My high school didn't even have a football 
team.  There must have been 70-80,000 people in that stadium.

Someone had smuggled alcohol into the stadium and kept adding it to our 
cokes.  By the time the game was over I had a real buzz.  After the game 
every body was going to get together at the same apartment, as before.  I 
felt uncomfortable going there again. I told Scott that I felt woozy and 
maybe he should just take me back to my dorm.

When we got to my room, we sat on my bed.  My roommate was out so we had 
the place to our selves.  It wasn't long before we were at it again.  I had 
forgotten my fears of the week before.  I felt secure in my own room and 
the alcohol made me feel care free and amorous.

It wasn't long before we were down to panties and boxer shorts.  Scott's 
erect penis kept poking out of his boxers.  I could feel it rubbing against 
my bare thigh.  The feeling both scared and excited me.

"Julie," he asked.  "I want to give you pleasure?"

"Oh, you are giving me pleasure." I replied.

"No, I mean...I want to pleasure you," he replied.

"Please Scott, I don't to...I want to wait.

"No, I want to eat you out."

`Eat me out?"

"Yes, I want to eat you out till you cum."

"But, Scott," I asked, half grossed out and half desirous, "That won't 
gross you out?"

"Heck no!" he said.  "Did it gross you out to do me?" he asked.

Actually, it did at the end.  But, I couldn't tell him that.  "No."

"Well, then, why should I be grossed out?  Besides, you will love it.  I 
promise."

Of course I gave in.  I let him remove my panties, which was my last 
barrier and line of defense.

He began to eat me out.  It felt good, very good.  However it was like the 
last time, in the apartment.  I was anxious.  I couldn't relax enough to 
cum.  There was this warning in my head that wouldn't go away.

He must have gotten tired because he stopped and slowly kissed his way up 
my belly and to my lips.  I could smell myself on his face and tried to 
turn my face away.  I didn't want to kiss him just then.  It seemed gross 
and dirty.  He just started kissing my neck and ears then he was kissing me 
on the lips.  Before I could say anything, his tongue filled my mouth.

It felt nice to be held and in his arms and to feel his body against 
mine.  Soon however, he shifted his position till so that his legs were 
between mine.  I could feel his penis rubbing my thigh below my 
vagina.  Fear shot through me like electricity.

"NO Scott!" I exclaimed.

`Don't worry Julie, It will be good," he said.  "You will love it."

"Please Scott, no!  I don't want to," I cried and tried to push him off of me.

He covered my mouth with his and shoved his tongue into my mouth.  I felt 
him use his legs to force mine open.  I could feel his penis rubbing 
against me trying to get in.

"Please God, make him stop," I prayed.  But, God didn't help me.

He jabbed me once, twice with his penis, missing.  Then supporting himself 
with one arm he grabbed his penis with the other, rubbed it between my lips 
to positioning it correctly.  Then he forced his way in and raped me.  At 
first he penetrated me just a little, then deeper and finally, all the way.

I once read, where some man said that if rape is inevitable, the woman 
should just lie back accept it and enjoy.  My question for him is, "If your 
testicles are in a vice that is slowly being tightened, will you accept it 
and enjoy?"

I know now that you didn't take long.  However, at the time it seemed like 
forever.  I felt fear.  Fear of getting pregnant.  Fear of getting AIDS.  I 
also felt like part of my soul was being torn out of me as I lay there.  No 
Scott, I felt no pleasure.  It was not good and I hated it.

I barely felt the pain of my hymen breaking.  I felt a far greater 
pain.  Each stroke took away more and more of my self-worth.  It made me 
feel dirty, cheap and demeaned.  I remember thinking that this couldn't be 
happening.  He wouldn't do this to me.  All the while, I knew I was lying 
to myself.  I wondered what I had done to cause this to happen.

Then I felt you go rigid and I knew you were cuming.  No, I didn't feel 
your "hot spunk splash and slam against my uterus," as the porn stories 
like to say.  I felt the fear and anguish that I was now pregnant and the 
life I knew was finished and destroyed.

I don't remember much after that.  I remember you mumbling something about 
"sorry" or "had to."  You got dressed and left.  My roommate found me lying 
on the bed still naked, in the fetal position and crying.  She wanted me to 
report you and press charges.  I wouldn't.

The fear of being known by all as a soiled woman was too much.  I couldn't 
handle any more demeaning.  No, it was better to just suppress what 
happened and move on.  Suppress it I did.  Move on, was much harder.

You see Scott; you took more from me than my virginity.  You took my 
innocence of life and love.  You took more than my womanhood.  You took 
from me what it means to be a woman.  That is why I would never speak to 
you when you called.  That is why I dropped the dance class and later 
changed schools.  I couldn't handle seeing you again.

For years, I was afraid of men.  Even today, my eyes search every man who 
approaches me for signs of danger. I am often still uncomfortable when 
alone around a man.  I later slept with other men.  But, I could never 
abandon myself to love making.  I found it hard to trust them.  It kept me 
from really enjoying sex, and I am sure, made me less than a perfect partner.

It was only when Bill came along, the man who managed to repair much of the 
damage you did to me, that I was able to learn how to trust without fear 
and reservation.  He somehow understood my reluctance was fear.  He was 
loving, caring and gentle.  Most of all he was patient.  He never forced me 
to do anything I didn't want or which made me feel uncomfortable.  He made 
me feel special.  He taught me how to give myself to a man.  You might say, 
he gave me back the womanhood you took away.

When Jesus died he said, "Father forgive them for they know not what they 
do."  I have forgiven you for what you did.  Maybe you didn't know what you 
were doing.  However, so far I haven't been able to forgive you for what 
you took and can never return.  Maybe, if you read this you will understand 
what you did.  That would be enough.


Comments and genuine critiques may be sent to me at:  jam1075@bellsouth.net

-- 
Pursuant to the Berne Convention, this work is copyright with all rights
reserved by its author unless explicitly indicated.
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