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NNTP-Posting-Date: Fri, 23 May 2003 15:46:31 -0500
From: Rachael Ross <rache18us@yahoo.com>
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Subject: {ASSM} Past Tense (rache18us@yahoo.com) F/M, Rom, Necro
Date: Fri, 23 May 2003 23:10:07 -0400
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Disclaimer: Not for children. Not for sale. Distribute widely and reap
the benefits. Or something. One of the first short stories I ever
wrote for public consumption. I was worried I'd die somehow before my
braces came off and be metal-mouth forever and ever. Oh,
wait...Different story. Sorry. This one was inspired by Karen.

Written 1997 in Minnesota....In the library at Lourdes.

-----------------------------------

Past Tense

Fiction by Rachael


Everything was past tense now. Three days ago I'd been happy.  But not
anymore. This isn't the story of why; there's no reason to go into
that, no reason at all. Robert was dead and why has nothing to do with
it because there is no use in asking God, He doesn't answer. Believe
me, I know. Robert drowned a week before we were to be married. Of
course there isn't going to be a wedding now, those plans are past
tense. We were going to be married. We were going to have children and
have careers and grow old and worry and argue and love and the
thousand other things we would never know together now. All past
tense.

But not everything is past tense, is it? I had loved him before, but I
still do now. I will love him tomorrow and next year and in ten years.
Everything else in our lives was finished, except for love. And that
is really what this story is about.

I went to the funeral home where Robert was resting. It wasn't a very
cheery place I thought, he'd much rather have been outside, near the
river he loved so much. His parents should have thought of that, they
should have asked me what I thought about it. But they hadn't, they
hadn't even wanted to see me especially, locked away in their own
private grief as if they alone had loved him. My own family had been a
comfort, I depended upon them for so many things but I knew I would
have to visit Robert alone. Not because my father or mother or
brothers wouldn't have come, but I wanted to be alone with him. I felt
like I had to escape my closed and empty room and be with him one last
time, alone.

It was early morning, the 2nd day Robert had been laid to rest so that
family and friends could see his clean face and sleeping eyes one last
time before he was surrendered finally and completely to the past. He
would have one more day after this. Three days was not very much, it
wasn't the lifetime he had promised me only a few months before. I'd
spent the first in silence, sitting in the back and watching as people
came and left. Saying very little, crying softly and loudly or not at
all, leaving small tokens of remembrance on the table beside him.
Flowers, a favorite toy, a baseball cap and Teddy Bear. There were
photos of him, strong and bright and full of life. No one spoke to me,
his parents shuffled by, in and out as if they couldn't decide to stay
or leave, pulled by emotions they'd never felt before in two opposite
directions. I reached out, to touch the hem of Robert's mother's black
dress, it was like dried leaves in autumn. Death wrapped around her.

It was difficult to sit and keep myself from going to him. I could
hear his voice, soft and childlike the way he sounded after the first
time we'd made love. Amazed and wondrous. Of course it was only a
memory, like a moment lived a thousand times that first day as he
slept. I replayed our conversations; all of them even the most trivial
like when he'd ask me what kind of ice cream I wanted. But most
especially the times he'd held me and told me how beautiful I was, how
much he loved me, how he wanted me always to be happy. If his mother
had sat down, she would have heard him too. How much more did she have
than I? I felt a touch of jealousy and I bit my lip in shame and
looked away, Robert's mother had every right to mourn as she needed. I
forget sometimes that I am not alone in the world. But not with
Robert, he would never let me forget that I was not, that I was with
someone and loved. Past tense.

Robert wasn't in a coffin; it was more like a table covered with soft
burgundy velvet. It looked better that way, more peaceful and less
final. It was so easy to forget that he wasn't merely asleep, waiting
for a kiss to bring him awake. From out that bad dream only those who
remained were aware of. I was thankful for that, had I been lying
there instead I could not have born the pain Robert would have felt.
And so I would not let myself feel it either, for him I would be brave
and strong and confident in a life beyond this. And I would wander
sometimes around the room, seeking his presence like a puppy sniffing
the air for her master's scent. I knew he was with me and I knew he
would need me one last time.

The following day I was early, waiting for the heavy doors to open. It
would be my chance for us to be alone, Robert would have no other
visitors for an hour, and perhaps more I was sure. The man who let me
in gave me a kind look, but not a word as I made my way to the viewing
room. He would leave us alone as well, attending to others and not
wishing to intrude. It is the greatest service such people provide,
this knowing when they are needed and when they are not. I was
grateful and sat quietly as he twice checked the flowers, lighting,
and of course Robert before closing the doors behind him as he left.

I walked to Robert and looked down as he slept. How could I bear this
parting? The thought rushed suddenly through my mind and I felt weak,
all of my resolve to be strong fading. I gripped the table, clutching
fistfuls of heavy velvet and leaning forward to bring my lips to his.
I kissed Robert's lips softly, feeling them cool and moist. My tongue
brushed between them and I wished to feel his mouth once more, to
taste him as I had so many times. Robert's lips parted and I felt his
teeth, cold and dry as I touched it with my tongue. He wold not open
his mouth for me, much as I tried to coax him with my own. I knew
there were things he could not do that death had stolen more than
anything else the simple pleasures of life. To smile, to kiss, to make
love one last time. But we would find a way, I whispered as I
unbuttoned my blouse, unzipping my skirt and letting them fall in a
puddle of white at my feet. I took off my bra and stepped out of my
panties; naked now and wishing he could see me one last time.

I draped myself across his chest, my lips seeking his and I felt the
warmth of my body disappearing against the cool, soft material of his
suit. My nipples hardened and I felt the stirrings of desire within
me, I would never love another I promised. I would give myself one
last time to Robert and that would sustain me for eternity. I removed
his tie and unbuttoned his shirt, spreading it along with his suit
coat like angel wings. I kissed his chest, pressing my head against
him. I expected to hear the beating of his heart, in time with mine,
marking off the seconds shared. But I heard only the silence of death,
like eternity sounds, unmoving. But he was with me even so, his hands
guided me to kiss his body, my tongue lapping across his nipples the
way he loved. Biting them softly, waiting for the soft moans I loved.
I let my hair fall over him like a blanket, across his gentle face so
he could smell me. So he could feel the silken strands and taste them
and know it was me.

I kissed lower until I reached his belly button, kissing and pushing
my tongue inside. He tasted different somehow, not like he did when we
were together sweating and tumbling and intertwined in passion. He was
clean, antiseptic and cold. But underneath all of that I could tell, I
could feel it was Robert and I knew he could feel me as well. My sex
was flowing and my breath was ragged, sometimes fast and sometimes
slow, stopping as if I'd forgotten how. My hands shook, as did my
whole body when I undid his belt and opened his trousers. I lowered
his pants and wondered why he was not wearing underwear. The thought
struck me as wonderfully funny and I chided him softly. Whispering all
the things I was thinking and doing while I slowly stroked his penis. 

Robert was not hard, not aroused the way I was. He would be unable to
plant his seed within me as he'd done so many times before and I felt
the loss inside. My womb suddenly aware of the emptiness and I felt my
face flush and tears starting to form. I kissed his manhood, taking
him in my mouth and sucking gently, begging him to awaken and take me.
I felt the head inside and I licked and touched underneath the way he
liked. My lips were tight around the base and I used my hand to
carefully massage his scrotum. I felt his balls in my hand and I
wondered if life remained, unreleased and unaware of my need. 

I continued sucking Robert's cock even as my own hand went between my
legs, across my vulva and between my swollen lips. I needed him,
Robert's touch and I lifted my mouth long enough to move his arm,
placing his hand between my hot thighs. I placed my fingers over his
own and guided two fingers inside me. I gasped as I felt the cool
penetration and my wetness flooded between his fingers, spilling
across my own. I moved my hand and so doing moved my love's, pressing
his smooth palm against my clit. I felt his presence surrounding me
and knew he wished he were able to do it himself. Moaned softly,
stroking his flaccid cock as we massaged my aching sex. I was going to
cum; once again as he always had Robert was bringing me to the edge of
ecstasy and pushing me into that wonderful abyss.

I moved my hips, working his fingers deeper inside me, feeling the
muscles between my legs grip and release with soft spasms of desire. I
moved my mouth back to his body, kissing and licking, groaning aloud
as a shiver sliced through my being. I took Robert once again in my
mouth, sliding my lips up and down the bare handwidth of his penis. I
moaned and cried out, my legs giving way so that I almost fell as my
first orgasm took me. I held the table and lifted my head, pressing
feverishly with my hand against his. My body opened and a flood of
passion streamed between my thighs. I closed my eyes, pressing my head
to his chest hearing only the rush of blood pounding through my body.
I held his fingers inside me, unmoving as the moment faded slowly. 

As I caught my breath and kissed Robert's chest and mouth I knew I had
to have him inside me, somehow. I pulled his hand away, kissing it and
tasting myself on him as I'd done before. Watching his face as I done
so many times before. But this time he did not smile and stroke my
mouth with his wet fingers, sliding them in and out while I sucked for
his pleasure. I carefully climbed so that I could straddle his body,
his flaccid penis pressed against my heat as I kissed his eyes and
mouth. I reached between us and took him in my hand, guiding the head
to my wetness and I shifted slightly, moving and using my thumb to
press him inside. I kept him straight and slowly pushed, working
Robert's sleeping manhood into its proper place. I shuddered, moaning
softly at the contact. Not like I'd felt before, he didn't fill me so
completely, his cock did not stretch my labia around him so much as
nestle into my wet canal.

I did not move for fear of losing him, I kept him inside and moved my
hands to his face. I kissed him, my teeth between his lips running
across his teeth. I whispered to him, telling him it was alright that
I would have him any way I could, I loved him so much. I felt my clit
begging for his touch and my nipples burned against his cool unmoving
chest. I moved my hips slightly and felt him moving inside me,
threatening to come out. I used my hand to hold him in place so that I
could rock gently back and forth. He was making love to me, I could
feel it. I closed my eyes and moved my body, slowly, gently, dragging
my swollen nipples across him. My hair cascaded like a silk curtain
around out faces and I kissed him as we made love.

I was coming close again, my body rolling inside on soft waves growing
more urgent with each passing moment. I pressed my sex against his
body, trapping his penis inside me while I rocked back and forth. I
sat up straight, looking down at him with my hands on his chest,
loving him one last time. I reached down to rub my clit, moving my
fingers in a small circle faster and faster. I couldn't breath, I
couldn't think it was so nice to have him once again. I wanted to feel
him deep inside me, filling me with sperm and giving me his life the
way we'd dreamt so many times. My body burned and the soft creaking of
the table beneath us became louder as I began to move faster, harder.
My eyes were closed and sparkling butterflies danced in the darkness,
bringing me into the bright light of pleasure. I pulled at my breast,
my nipple twisting and making me moan loudly. My senses were flooded
and I felt my life open up and pour across Robert's penis, filling me
making me cum again and again.

A pair of hands grabbed me then, tearing me away from the moment. Away
from Robert, onto the floor. Hurting me, a large man screaming. I
could see his lips move and hear his voice, but it made no sense. I
tried desperately to reach my love, to grasp Robert's hand where it
lay outstretched from the table above, but I couldn't. I felt the
weight descending upon me, like a cold dark night and I wondered if I
would wake up.

-------------------------

"Her name is Amy Patterson, Mrs. Keyes. Apparently she'd been a
patient at the State Hospital for some time, in and out. This isn't
the first time she's done this."

Helen Keyes looked at the police officer with red rimmed and shallow
eyes. "Not the first time?"

The patrolman looked at Robert's mother, unsure if he knew exactly
what to say.

"Not the first time?" She repeated, her voice confused. "What was she
doing? Why wasn't she locked up? What's the matter with you people?"

"Well, ma'am, the girl wasn't in our custody. She'd been released by
the hospital and on medication. She was closely supervised, but..."
His voice trailed off and he looked uncomfortably away. This was bad,
the cop thought to himself, not enough to lose your son, but some nut
has to molest the body? A shiver went through him, like it did every
time he thought about it.

"What did you mean not the first time?" The realization that someone
had known this girl was out there, walking around just waiting to do
this...this...thing.

"Well, twice before Amy has been arrested for causing...uh
disturbances like this. She gets it in her head she's the fiance of a
young man, like Robert. She goes to the funeral home and spends some
time staking out the place or whatever until she thinks she can do
what she wants. I'm sorry, Mrs. Keyes, but your Robert just happened
to be the right age. Luckily your brother came in and was able to
detain her for us. Amy won't be going anywhere for a long time and I
doubt she'll ever be able do anything like this again."

"Yes. I'm sure that's what you people said the last time." Helen said
acidly, turning away and leaving before the policeman could reply. She
had a funeral to go to.

The End.

-- 
Pursuant to the Berne Convention, this work is copyright with all rights
reserved by its author unless explicitly indicated.
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