index


Message-ID: <42577asstr$1053598204@assm.asstr-mirror.org>
NNTP-Posting-Date: Wed, 21 May 2003 17:10:17 -0500
From: Rachael Ross <rache18us@yahoo.com>
MIME-Version: 1.0
Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit
Subject: {ASSM} Ardent Bane! : Intergalactic Amazon Hunter (rache18us@yahoo.com) M/F, humor, sci-fi, no-sex
Date: Thu, 22 May 2003 06:10:04 -0400
Path: assm.asstr-mirror.org!not-for-mail
Approved: <assm@asstr-mirror.org>
Newsgroups: alt.sex.stories.moderated,alt.sex.stories
Followup-To: alt.sex.stories.d

Disclaimer: This was made by me. I invented it after I read someone
else's story along similar themes. I'm afraid his was rather sincere.
Mine is not, but I readily admitted my plagiarism and he was gracious
enough to compliment me on my originality. Anyway....There's no sex.
Just some off-color remarks. Kind of like Prime-Time television. So if
your 15yo kid reads this, it probably won't damage him or her too
badly. No worse than the brainsuckers on the WB anyway.

I don't write a lot of humor...but here you go.
Written in 2001 in Seattle

--------------------------------------------------------------

Ardent Bane! :  Intergalactic Amazon Hunter
in
Episode 26 - The Monkey Girls of Sappho IV


Hi, I'm Ardent Bane! If you haven't read my previous 25 installments
of Intergalactic Amazon Hunter, don't panic! You're in for a real
treat! The action is relentless and brutal and you can jump right in!
All you need, gentle viewer, is a little luck, a few good weapons, and
a whole lotta guts! 

Let me give you some background about this mission, because it's a
doozy! This planet we're in orbit around is Sappho IV, the 4th planet
of the Sappho System, yeah that's right. Home of the legendary Monkey
Girls. No man who has ever and I do mean EVER! set foot on that planet
has returned to tell his tale. The Monkey Girls of Sappho IV are the
single greatest threat to mankind that we've ever found in our reach
to colonize the universe. Something has to be done and done right.
That means someone has to go down there and eradicate the dreaded
Monkey Girls of Sappho IV. Luckily, out of the literally millions of
volunteers, only I - Ardent Bane! - was selected for this monumental
undertaking. But I'm not going alone, no I'm bringing along my holocam
which will transmit back to you, my faithful fans, live action from
start to finish! Commercial free and uncensored - The way real men
like it!

So lets go!

Hmmmm....Monkey Girls. Want a banana little girl? HAHAHA I crack
myself up! But in all seriousness I need to make sure that everything
is prepared. Believe me folks, you don't want to leave anything to
chance on an assignment like this! The Monkey Girls have a
techno-level of Earth about 2000 B.C. ...Stone knives and clubs. But
don't underestimate those primitive weapons, in the hands of a highly
trained killer (Like Ardent Bane!) a stone knife is every bit as
lethal as a 1.5Mw Pulse Rifle! But to keep it fair I'll equip myself
with weapons of Earth around 1400A.D. ...Let's see a nice English
longbow, a long sword of the finest Spanish steel...Oh my, isn't that
beautiful? Look how the sunlight gleams off the metal - Honed to a
razor's edge folks! And a carbon-fiber double-edged dagger, perfectly
balanced for throwing. My target is a small village on one of the
numerous small islands; only about 20 inhabitants so I'll bring 21
arrows, broad tipped and deadly! Hey - I might miss once!

Let me tell you about the Monkey Girls of Sappho IV. They are small,
humanoid in appearance. About 5 feet tall, covered with a silky
caramel colored fur from their heads, along their spines, to their
tight round butts. This fur gets shorter as it moves away from their
heads and ends in a long prehensile tail, hence the nickname "Monkey
Girls". The hair on their heads is long and shimmers beautifully,
luxuriant to touch and it exudes a smell which is loaded with a
chemical pheromone which suggests these little beasties are constantly
in a state of heat. 

The front and sides of their bodies are smooth taut flesh, usually a
lighter color than their fur. They have breasts which range from small
and firm to large and firm. Saggy breasts have never been reported on
a Monkey Girl of Sappho IV. They seem to lactate continuously and the
milk from their breasts is a sweet wine-like liquid which is about 30%
alcohol by volume. The genitalia of the Monkey Girls of Sappho IV are
lightly furred and very small. The surrounding tissue though is loaded
with over 10,000 tiny muscles!! which enable the Monkey Girls of
Sappho IV to accommodate virtually any sized male organ with ease.
They also have a thin membrane, similar to a hymen, which grows back
over a period of 24 hours if it's broken. Amazing huh?

But don't let them fool you, the Monkey Girls of Sappho IV really are
beauty and the beast! So are you coming along? The road to adventure
is this way!

--------

We've beamed down to a part of the island which should be uninhabited,
about 5Km from the village. It's a dense jungle here, I hope you guys
are getting this at home. The trees are ancient and huge, the canopy
roof is easily a hundred meters above my head. There are a lot of
smaller plants and flora. It's quite beautiful. The air temperature is
a steady 72.4 degrees F. and relative humidity is 28%. Nice day for a
picnic! Well, we didn't come for that did we? I'm going to set up a
camp here, I've brought remote sentries to secure my perimeter and
we'll get those working first off. Remember people, you don't need any
surprises on an alien and definately hostile planet!

Okay, as you can see I've got my camp set up. I've even brought my
portable stockade, with any luck I'll be able to capture one or two
alive and then we can see what those 10,000 muscles between their legs
are good for! heh-heh! As many of the faithful 39 know, I do like to
have a little fun with my prey. Getting hot and bloody gets me excited
and I don't mind admitting a luke-warm body is every bit as good as a
live one! It's getting kind of late in the day, so I think we'll rest
here tonight and at dawn we'll do a little scouting, how does that
sound. My next transmission will be in...6 hours. Set your clocks
friends you won't want to miss any of the action tomorrow morning!!
Oh! And don't forget to leave the autopilot on your recorders running,
because you never know when something exciting is going to happen with
Ardent Bane! I've set my holocam to start transmission the moment one
of my sentries activates, I don't want you to miss a thing!

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Commercial Break: For the next 6 hours we bring you: Ultimate Bass
Fishing with Jed Grout! Get your poles ready friends cause this week
he's on that great bass fishing planet.....ZZZ ZZZ ZZZ ZZZ ZZZ

We interrupt Ultimate Bass Fishing to go straight to Ardent Bane! on
Sappho IV...

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Can you hear me? This is Ardent Bane! on Sappho IV...I'm whispering
because my perimeter sentry went off, its silent alarm triggering a
chemical response in my brain and waking me instantly with 500cc
injection of pure adrenalin in my buttocks! Somewhere, off to my left
is an intruder, it has to be one of the legendary Monkey Girls of
Sappho IV! I won't be able to narrate anymore, I need to use all of my
impressive skills to swiftly and silently deal with this new threat.
But stay tuned folks, you'll see all the action, I promise!

Okay, I've managed to get behind the Monkey Girl. It looks like she
was out foraging and is unaware of my camp just a few hundred meters
to the left. Interesting, nocturnal creatures? My information didn't
say anything about that, well, that's why they picked Ardent Bane!
folks. because of my unique skills and ability to adapt to new and
difficult situations. Stick with me and let's bag us a Monkey Girl,
huh?

I'm turning on my universal translator. I'm going to try and take this
first one alive, a little intel never hurt! I'm about 8 feet behind
her, it doesn't appear that she's armed. I know I'm whispering pretty
soft, but believe me, in a second I won't be. I'm leaving the holocam
here so you can watch me in action, and don't forget friends: Don't
try this at home!

-----------

Ardent Bane! crept out of the bushes, moving silently on cat-like
feet. He just need to get close enough to bring the flat of his sword
down with a quick blow to the Monkey Girl's head. He could see that
the creature was incredibly beautiful, a silky mane of light brown
hair cascaded across her back. He caught her face in profile and it
was wonderful to behold. The moniker Monkey Girl was horribly
inaccurate! Her tail twitched slightly, left to right and back again.
Ardent could hear her humming softly as she picked splendid red
berries from a nearby bush. He could feel himself becoming aroused as
he caught her scent. Oh yes! The first one is always the best, he
would teach her a thing or two before this night was over he thought
with a smile.

Ardent turned around and gave the camera a little smile. One for the
kids he thought. He only needed two more steps and then he would have
her. Suddenly *Crack* he stepped on a fallen branch and the loud noise
was like a gunshot in the calm quiet night. Ardent cursed and lunged
forward with his blade, all thoughts of capture gone now, he needed to
kill this creature before she could sound the alarm!

The Monkey Girl leaped back and Ardent's thrusting sword point only
just barely missed. She was far more agile than any creature he'd
hunted before Ardent realized, but too late. She was about 6 feet away
and pointing something...Bane squinted, it was...It was an UZI
submachine gun!! 

"What the hell?" Ardent said to himself and 3.2 billion viewers just
as the beautiful Monkey Girl depressed the trigger.

In less than three seconds ten 9mm bullets had stitched their way from
Ardent's crotch to his collar. Blood spattered beneath the chilling
staccato of death. The gorgeous Monkey Girl walked over to Ardent
Bane! and kicked his sword away from his hand, he wouldn't have been
able to use it anyway. Blood bubbled out of the wounds to his lungs
and he coughed weakly, spilling blood from his mouth. Oh no, he
thought, it wasn't 2000B.C. ... It was 2000 A.D. ... He looked up at
the Monkey Girl of Sappho IV and pleaded with his eyes, staring into
her soft, almond shaped orbs of green flecked with gold. She was so
beautiful, he thought, maybe she would understand and help him. His
medical pack could fix him up, anything short of death was treatable,
if only...

The Monkey Girl of Sappho IV looked down at Ardent Bane! Her lips
moved. The universal translator told Ardent and his viewers what she
said: "Asshole!" and then she pumped another three second burst into
his face.

The end
rache18us@yahoo.com

ps - we now return to Ultimate Bass Fishing with....ZZzzzZZzzz

-- 
Pursuant to the Berne Convention, this work is copyright with all rights
reserved by its author unless explicitly indicated.
+---------------------------------------------------------------------------+
| alt.sex.stories.moderated ----- send stories to: <ckought69@hotmail.com> |
| FAQ: <http://assm.asstr-mirror.org/faq.html>  Moderator: <story-ckought69@hotmail.com> |
+---------------------------------------------------------------------------+
|Discuss this story and others in alt.sex.stories.d, look for subject {ASSD}|
|Archive at <http://assm.asstr-mirror.org>   Hosted by <http://www.asstr-mirror.org>      |
+---------------------------------------------------------------------------+