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Subject: {ASSM} {REVIEW} The Silver Clitorides Awards, 2001, November
Date: Sun, 6 Apr 2003 00:10:02 -0500
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Author: Moderated by Gary Jordan
Title: The Silver Clitorides Awards, 2001, November
Part: 11 of 2001
Universe: The Silver Clitorides Awards
Summary: The Silver Clitorides Awards are a monthly adjunct to the
Golden Clitorides Awards. Their object is to promote good stories
and good authors.
Keywords: Stories, Links, Awards
+----+----+----+----+----+----+----+----+
The November 2001 Silver Clitorides Awards Presentation:
The woods are lovely, dark, and deep...
By general invitation to all the authors, their friends and
family, and their fans, the campgrounds have filled up to near
capacity. The facilities range from primitive to civilized.
There are pup tents, family tents, pop-up campers, and
recreational vehicles. There are even a customized bus and a
charter bus (Oosh's fans, or so the rumor goes.)
In a central clearing, a bonfire blazes in the middle of a
cleared area. Barrels of water are off to one side for
firefighting if need be. The fire is at the hollow of a natural
bowl, and logs are set on the slopes to form a sort of
amphitheater. The logs are mostly occupied, although a steady
stream of people wanders back and forth to the bathrooms and
showers.
Authors and fans alike have been swapping ghost stories around
the bonfire while waiting for the final tally of the Silver
Clitoride voting. Some have been toasting marshmallows or making
smores. A flash of skin at the edge of the woods indicates that
not all of the revelers are around the fire. Indeed, one of the
RVs is a-rockin' (no one's a-knockin, but that could change at
any time with this group.)
Gary steps before the bonfire and yells for attention. In his
left hand, he holds a small silver trophy; his right holds a
certificate suitable for framing. It must be suitable - it's in
a pine frame with a matte border. Before he can yell a second
time, a trio of streakers bursts from the woods and passes
between him and the assembled throng. It does nothing to quiet
the hooting and hollering, but it does serve to bring attention
to the front. He holds the trophy over his head and the
cacaphony dies off until the sound of the flames and the crackle
of the fire can be heard.
Into that relative silence, Gary announces, "I have the results
of the voting. I know it's late and a lot of us are tired, so
I'll just read them off, and the winners can come up afterward
and pick up their trophies and certificates." He raises the
trophy higher and lifts the framed certificate as well.
Scattered clapping mixes with tired murmurs and slowly trails
off.
He lowers the trophy and frame. Reading a note taped to the back
of the frame, he says, "The Silver Clitoride for the Best Story
of the Month of August, 2001, goes to 'Til Death Do Us Part' by
Desdmona."
He waits patiently for the clapping and whistling to abate. It
isn't reduced by the streakers transitting once again, their
number swollen to five, but eventually it is low enough to
continue.
"The Silver Clitty for the Best Story of the Month of September,
2001, goes to 'Business Class' by Wiseguy." Once again the noise
level rises, encouraged by yet another passage of the eleven
streakers.
When he can again be heard, Gary observes, "I suppose we have our
own form of Dangling Chads" to much tittering and snickering.
"The Silver Clit for October goes to..." he pauses to sip from a
Diet Coke can held by his Muse's sockpuppet. "Where was I? Oh,
yes. The Month of October, 2001, belongs to 'War Secret' by
Oosh."
An entire section of the amphitheater erupts in cheering and
squeels of delight. Oosh's fans are legion and vocal. In the
firelight, someone (possibly Oosh herself) is being carried away.
In all fairness, lots of people are getting carried away,
especially the twenty or so naked runners now headed for the lake
for a little midnight skinny-dipping.
When the crowd once again achieves a level of composure, Gary
announces the final award. "In the most closely contested heat,
the Best Story of the Month of November, 2001, goes to 'The Way
to Pitsburgh' by Mat Twassel. A shift of a single vote could
have created a four-way tie. As it is, Mat's story was judged the
best of an excellent crop by his friends and fans."
Standing so close to the fire, Gary is giving serious thought to
joining the streakers in the lake. But he has one last duty to
perform. "Those of you who are leaving tonight, please drive
safely. Those who are staying in camp tonight, please stick
around in the morning long enough to police the area." He pauses
for the boos and catcalls. "In either case, I want to thank you
all for participating."
One month later:
A haze slowly coalesces into what appears to be a jeep with a
locomotive body connected to a chain of carts with seats and a
surry top. Painted on the "engine" are the words "Conch Train".
A flag rising from the back of the jeep proudly proclaims the
Conch Republic. All the seats on the "train" are filled with
confused people.
"Hi, I'm Gary Jordan and I'd like to welcome you Ladies,
Gentlemen, and Others, to the Conch Train, Key West, Florida's 90
minute tour of the sights of Key West, and for today only, host
of the December Silver Clitorides Awards Presentation. Many of
you already know the driver -er, engineer, Louis the Leprechaun,
but for those who don't, I've provided links at the bottom of the
presentation for your enjoyment.
"If you look to the passengers seated around you, you might be
startled to recognize them from Father Ignatious' ASSDer's Mental
Images Page. That's why I'm wearing this silly 'crackerjack'
sailor suit, for example, and looking so much younger than my
AARP Card would imply.
"If you don't recognize the person next to you, chances are
you're surrounded by fans and readers. Be polite; one of them
might be yours. And if you look very carefully at someone you
have met or exchanged pictures with, you'll find them dissolving
into the correct image, at short range."
Gary reaches into a briefcase and removes a trophy and a framed
certificate. "Before we start the tour, I've a little old
business to conduct. When I was receiving votes for the December
Awards, there were so many that I decided to create
subdirectories by storyname and save the e-mails voting for that
story to that subdirectory. Then I could just count the e-mails
instead of re-opening and re-reading each one."
The young sailor's cheeks gradually become more ruddy. "I
decided to extend the scheme to the previous months as well.
When I finished, I found that there was a teensy-weensy clerical
error. Without further ado, the Co-winner of the November Silver
Clitorides Award is Haunted by Jordan Shelbourne. Jordan, when
we stop at Sloppy Joe's bar, let me buy you a beverage of your
choice by way of apology."
The November 2001 Silver Clitorides Awards Winners:
The Way To Pittsburgh http://members.aol.com/LATwassel/Adultery.htm
by Mat Twassel http://members.aol.com/mmtwassel/
Haunted http://www.compu-diva.com/IvoryGates/haunted.htm
by Jordan Shelbourne http://www.compu-diva.com/IvoryGates/front.htm
+----+----+----+----+----+----+----+----+
The November 2001 Silver Clitorides Awards FINALISTS:
This is Not a Story About Andrew http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/vinnie_tesla/www/not.html
by Vinnie Tesla http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/vinnie_tesla/www/
The Way To Pittsburgh http://members.aol.com/LATwassel/Adultery.htm
by Mat Twassel http://members.aol.com/mmtwassel/
Subway Sweetness http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/Ray1031/www/Subway_Sweetness.html
by Ray1031 http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/Ray1031/www/
Diabolus in Musica http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/Souvie/www/musica.html
by Souvie http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/Souvie/www
Overdue http://assm.asstr-mirror.org/Year2001/33372
by Walt9899
Haunted http://www.compu-diva.com/IvoryGates/haunted.htm
by Jordan Shelbourne http://www.compu-diva.com/IvoryGates/front.htm
+----+----+----+----+----+----+----+----+
The November 2001 Silver Clitorides Awards Nominees:
This is Not a Story About Andrew http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/vinnie_tesla/www/not.html
by Vinnie Tesla http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/vinnie_tesla/www/
The Way To Pittsburgh http://members.aol.com/LATwassel/Adultery.htm
by Mat Twassel http://members.aol.com/mmtwassel/
Subway Sweetness http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/Ray1031/www/Subway_Sweetness.html
by Ray1031 http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/Ray1031/www/
Horse Racing http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/sven_the_elder/www/29%20Horse%20Racing.htm
by Sven The Elder http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/sven_the_elder/www/
Diabolus in Musica http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/Souvie/www/musica.html
by Souvie http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/Souvie/www
I Love Her So Much http://assm.asstr-mirror.org/Year2001/33674
by Mark Smith
Artifact http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/Wiseguy/www/artifact.htm
by Wiseguy http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/Wiseguy/www/
Overdue http://assm.asstr-mirror.org/Year2001/33372
by Walt9899
Haunted http://www.compu-diva.com/IvoryGates/haunted.htm
by Jordan Shelbourne http://www.compu-diva.com/IvoryGates/front.htm
http://assm.asstr-mirror.org/Year2001/33377
Mistress Micah's Visit by Ray1031 (Stories Online)
Grandma's Getting Naked On The Cam Again http://assm.asstr-mirror.org/Year2001/33351
by Desdmona http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/Desdmona/www/
Bondage Daddy (story removed at author's request)
by Father Ignatius http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/FatherIgnatius/www/
Beggars Can't Be...
http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/Gamera/Beggars_Can't_Be/
by Kenny N Gamera http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/Gamera/www/
Maytag, Where Are You? http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/jimmyhat/www/34.html
by Jimmy Hat http://www.jimmy-hat.com/
The Girl With a Bicycle http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/Wandering_lanes/
by Wandering Lanes http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/Wandering_lanes/
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