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Message-ID: <38317asstr$1031818202@assm.asstr-mirror.org>
From: Crimson Dragon <dcrimsonp@nym.alias.net>
Subject: {ASSM} {REVIEW} {Reviews} Crimson Reviews - #9 - 10-Sep-2002
Date: Thu, 12 Sep 2002 04:10:02 -0400
Path: assm.asstr-mirror.org!not-for-mail
Approved: <assm@asstr-mirror.org>
Newsgroups: alt.sex.stories.moderated,alt.sex.stories,alt.sex.stories.d
Followup-To: alt.sex.stories.d

I want to add my voice to those thanking Kelly for organising
and running the Sapphic Festival. Like Katie before her, Kelly
provided a wonderful archive site, and a beautiful theme as
well as contributing stories to the cause. This is well beyond
the call of duty, and should be acknowledged. I've reviewed a
few stories from the festival this week, and noted that all of
them seem to be of exceptional erotic quality. I'm sure that
Sapphos would be proud -- or so Seren tells me.

If you are interested in the festival:

http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/sapphic/www

Thanks again to ASSM, the moderators, all the contributors, and 
Kelly herself for putting that extra effort into making this a 
great place to be.

- Crimson

------------------------------------------------------------------------
The missives below are merely opinions, publicly stated, but only 
opinions. Dragons may be immortal, but they are not infallible. Read the 
stories for yourself, and form your own opinions. Then, let the author 
know what you thought. Celeste's blowjob principle isn't smoke in the 
wind.

- Crimson Dragon (dcrimson@yahoo.com)

http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/Crimson_Dragon/www
http://members.tripod.com/files/Authors/Dr/wwwagon_Of_Crimson

Review Archives:
http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/Crimson_Reviews/www
------------------------------------------------------------------------

Story Summary:

The Plan -- Wandering Lanes 
    (MF, ROM)
    [5,6,6,4]

Forecast -- Uther Pendragon 
    (MF rom wl)
    [9,10,10,10]

Daughter of Three -- Purple Herald 
    (FFF, Myth)
    [10,10,10,10]

Too Short a Summer -- Kelly Adams 
    (ff 1st rom slow)
    [9,10,10,10]

Naked on the Train -- Bradley Stoke 
    (ff, exh)
    [10,10,10,10]

Gray Sunshine -- Denise Allawas 
    (FF, storm)
    [9,10,10,10]

A Reminder of Her -- Kenny Gamera 
    (FF fant flash)
    [9,10,10,10]

Distemporarily -- Adrian Hunter 
    (fF, bd, nc)
    [10,10,8,9]

Women In Love -- Katie McN 
    (FF Rom 1ST)
    [9,10,10,10]

Reviews:

------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Plan -- Wandering Lanes (Revised) (MF, ROM)

http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/Wandering_lanes/
                                             (rom%20fest)The%20plan.txt
http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/Wandering_lanes/

George is a lonely man. Rachael, his wife, and Michael, his son,
were killed by a drunk driver, leaving George and Cathy, his
daughter, on their own. And so, after realising that the loss
has affected his relationship with his daughter, George decides
to change things. The Sweetheart Club uses pink carnations to
identify its members. Wearing a pink carnation, Sandra, a recent
divorcee, appears at a restaurant, and they get to know each other, 
finding something between them that sparks and partially replaces 
what they both have lost.

Wandering Lanes spins what could have been a compelling tale
here -- aspects of humanity, romance, an underlying plan to
bring these two people together. And to be honest, it is
a wonderful story. Unfortunately it loses itself in technical
issues, making it difficult to read, and difficult to
follow. It wanders, and I'm afraid it failed to connect me
to the characters. The same might not be true of you, if you
can overlook the basic readability, or can attune better than
I to Wandering Lanes unusual writing style.

By far the largest technical failing of this story is the
run on sentence. Wandering Lanes insists on using commas
where periods should be. To me, this doesn't have the
lyrical quality that I think Lanes was trying for, but
rather it was distracting, forcing me to re-read passages,
sometimes multiple times to get the nuances. I'll give
you a few examples, but similar issues crop up in nearly
every paragraph:

[ It wasn't that he was really lonely, but he'd been out of the 
  circuit for several years following the death of his wife, he 
  mused for a while about her. ]

This is two separate thoughts. The first describes his loneliness,
the second that he mused about his wife. In a way they are 
connected, but this run-on style is nearly impossible to follow
on first reading.

[ They'd met at school, her name was Rachael, she didn't really 
  like him at first, she'd admitted it to him on their third date, 
  by the sixth they knew they were made for each other. ]

This sentence has no less than five separate thoughts, and each
deserves its own sentence, as written. There, of course, are
ways to combine the thoughts into a fewer number of sentences,
but the above isn't one of them.

[ The next few years had him wrapping himself up in his work, Cathy 
  was used to staying with her grandparents for {day's} on end, and 
  she learnt to look after herself. ]

Again, multiple thoughts should be multiple sentences, or rearranged
into grammatically correct phrases. Even a semicolon could have been
used effectively here. 

{day's} is neither possessive nor contractive. Why the apostrophe? 

I also wondered about the {learnt}, but I think Wandering Lanes
is correct in the usage here. However, because of the overall tense
of the 'sentence', I would prefer 'she had learnt'. For those
of you that believe that 'learnt' is incorrect spelling, I
have to differ. It's merely a Briticism, and after all, who invented
the language?

Other verb tense issues and the constant misuse of sentence
grammar is distracting. Wandering Lanes says that this story
has been revised. I think it needs more attention, I'm afraid.

The potential here is bountiful. The characters are rich and
full, though I would have understood them better had Lanes
presented them outside of flashback. Readers tend to relate
better to shown character rather than told character. To tell
me that a girl is sad is a completely different experience to
seeing tears running unchecked down her face. Nevertheless, there 
was a good attempt to bring the characters to life, and that 
deserves acknowledgement. I did like the more subtle approach to 
the sexual content, even if the ending only served to disturb 
and confuse me.

Overall, it needs a bit of an overhaul, but the underlying
story certainly works; it's romantic and the characters grow
on you.

Technical       :    5
Eros            :    6
Character/Plot  :    6
Crimson         :    4

------------------------------------------------------------------------
Forecast -- Uther Pendragon (MF rom wl)

http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/Uther_Pendragon/www/brennan/forecast.htm
http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/Uther_Pendragon/www/

Bob and Jeanette are hiking, but the radio forecasts rain.
After carefully setting up their tent, and crawling inside,
they find things to occupy their time with the rain pattering
safely outside.

There's something about making love in the rain that always
seems fun and exciting.

Anyway, this is a fun story of sex between two obviously
loving partners as they discover themselves and their
relationship. The outside element is a perfect setting for
their passion.

Technical       :    9
Eros            :   10
Character/Plot  :   10
Crimson         :   10

------------------------------------------------------------------------
Daughter of Three -- Purple Herald (FFF, Myth)

http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/sapphic/www/stories/daughter3.html
http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/PurpleHerald/www/

The nine Muses inspire the world. Personally, I suspect that
there are far more than nine Muses, but this is the story
of three of them. You see, in ancient times, there seemed to
be a disparity between male inspiration and female inspiration.
Homer. Hercules. Zeus. Where are the stories of the female heroines?

The three Muses set out, refusing to inspire men until women are
fairly treated and inspired as well. Far and long they search
for their own inspiration, at last finding a God that suggests
how it might be done. And so, from the Muses' love is Thadea
born, and the rest, as they say, is history.

I liked the epic style of this piece, the historical feel.
The characters shine through, even with the tale told from a 
distance. It works for this kind of odyssey.

Only a few minor issues technically, nothing to worry about:

[ Many were the men who tried to {woe} her, especially after the 
  Poet Sappho impressed them all with her gifts but Thadea ignored 
  them ... ]

I think that Purple meant "woo" here. "Woe" gives a rather different
connotation.

[ Muses shed their clothes.  Erato kissed Melopmene {till} the 
  sadness faded. Melopmene clutched Calliope to her breasts until 
  the bravest ... ]

We've talked about the use of 'til' and 'till' before. I'm going 
to further the discussion, especially since I happen to agree 
with the word's use here. Malinov, I believe, posted an opinion
lately that word use may depend on style, rhythm and cadence. While 
I think that it wasn't fully necessary to contract the word here, 
I also agree with Malinov and I think that the cadence and the
style of the piece supports its use admirably. I hope that these
examples of "correct" usage that I sometimes provide aren't mistaken 
for an absolute truth. I've been wrong before, and will be again.
These are only opinions, remember? As Malinov said, sometimes 
you want to flaunt the rules. It all depends on the story, the
cadence, the style. Lots of factors. Purple, I think, used the 
contraction correctly here for stylistic reasons and I have to 
admit that I liked it. As I've said before, the use of certain 
words is not absolute, but depends on the piece. I think it works 
here, even if it isn't in the dictionary as such.

Overall, a very readable and lyrical odyssey. I like Muses.

Technical       :   10
Eros            :   10
Character/Plot  :   10
Crimson         :   10

------------------------------------------------------------------------
Too Short a Summer -- Kelly Adams (ff 1st rom slow)

http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/sapphic/www/stories/tooshort.html
http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/Kelly/www/

Kate is a fifteen year old exchange student from Australia.
Zoe, her American best friend, comes over to the house
and finds out that Kate is leaving for the land down under
in two weeks. Zoe has a confession to make -- the kind that
comes with a kiss -- and it understandably shocks Kate, who 
hasn't really considered a female love before. What follows is 
the growing of love, pressed by the onrush of Kate's departure.

I really liked Kelly's characterisations here -- Kate and
Zoe shone through, their love and their friendship beyond
that of simple lust. These girls were in love, and that,
I think, is what the Sapphic Festival is about. I liked the
subtle, gentle sex, but it became more with the love in behind 
it.

There were a few minor slips technically in the story, but 
overall, very readable and enjoyable.

[ She {cold} also feel Zoe's hard nipple, just as excited as her 
  own. ]

Typo.

[ Kate began to pull her short off over her head, ... ]

I didn't know that they made shorts that came off over the
head -- wouldn't that hurt? Just kidding. Those keyboard 
manufacturers shouldn't have put that pesky 'o' key as close 
to that 'i' key, should they, huh, Kelly?

[ After the long trip{,} Kate was exhausted so she {when} right 
  to bed. ]

Commas for introductory phrases, and a simple typo. No sweat.

Don't take the technical stuff seriously, it's only there to
justify the '9' below, though honestly, the story, its
emotion, and its cadence is what you should be concentrating
on. It's a wonderful story of first love. Go read it.

Technical       :    9
Eros            :   10
Character/Plot  :   10
Crimson         :   10

------------------------------------------------------------------------
Naked on the Train -- Bradley Stoke (ff, exh)

http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/Bradley_Stoke/www/02_Naked_on_the_Train.htm
http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/Bradley_Stoke/www/

Emerald is travelling to her all-girls school in the English
countryside. At first, she hopes that she might maintain her
train compartment to herself, perhaps to pleasure herself thinking
about her imminent return to school, with her liberal friends
populating her fantasy. But at the next stop, Beatrice ducks in -- 
completely naked. You see, Beatrice, too, is returning to her 
all-girls school, but Beatrice's school is a naturist paradise. 
Ironically, Beatrice, the naked one, is the innocent party here, 
and Emerald works herself around to becoming naked herself, and 
enticing Beatrice to discover the other joys of being naked.

There is a remarkably subtle eros here, brought forth both
by sexual content and simple characterisation of the girls.
We can see the setting and the plot unfold with crystal
clarity. Truthfully, I was a little upset at Emerald's
sometimes shallowness, but I'm also sure that Bradley intended
for me to be. In that, it works.

I didn't see any technical faults here, though I'm not
fully sure that 'glid' is the past tense of 'glide'.
Or maybe that 'g' should have been an 's'? Doesn't matter,
the story captures you and gives you a sexy romp.
I particularly liked the end notes, and Bradley gives us
a nice preamble that includes a story synopsis before you even
read it. Nice features, but it's really the story that counts 
here, and it certainly is worth reading.

Technical       :   10
Eros            :   10
Character/Plot  :   10
Crimson         :   10

------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gray Sunshine -- Denise Allawas (FF, storm)

http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/sapphic/www/stories/graysunshine.html

The storm approaches, its power humming through the air, lightning
crashing, reaching out, calling. Our narrator is at work; she can
feel the building shaking with the oncoming rush of the tempest.
Her body seems attuned to the weather, like a sexual lightning
rod resonating with the power of the clouds, the wind and the
rain. She cannot stay in the office, and so she hurriedly leaves 
to join with her lover. They don't even make it inside, but
choose to merge with the storm under the hammock on the back 
porch, their naked bodies dripping and sheened with heavenly
water.

I noticed a number of technical faults here, the most glaring
some verb tense issues near the beginning, and missing paragraph
breaks. However, the paragraphs could be a result of the
posting reformat, and the verb tenses settled down as Denise
found a comfortable, and oh so effective, first person
present tense. There were lots of other issues, but I'm
convinced that the style of the piece invited them, and
Denise's use of language is nearly lyrical here, despite what
passes as 'standard' English usage. While, if it wasn't
the ASSM reformat that caused the paragraph issues, they
should be cleaned up, and perhaps the initial verb tense confusion,
the other supposedly technical issues should remain as they are. 
The story is far more powerful because of the style in which Denise 
wrote this. In short, there really aren't technical issues here
beyond generic things, despite what a grammar site might tell 
you.

Making love in the rain is always a favourite of mine, so
merely by setting, Denise almost guarantees a decent Crimson
score here, but she's done far more than that. The power, the
intensity of the love, the sex, the merging of nature and
being is almost daunting. This is one sexy story.

Technical       :    9
Eros            :   10
Character/Plot  :   10
Crimson         :   10

------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Reminder of Her -- Kenny Gamera (FF fant flash)

http://assm.asstr-mirror.org/Year2002/38220
http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/Gamera/

[ In no way does the posting of this work on the Usenet imply
  that the writer has {waved} any rights under international
  convention and copyright law. ]

<grin> I know that sometimes we feel like we're waving good-bye
to our rights when we post here, but ... I digress, again <sigh>.

The girl at the other table isn't Julie, couldn't be. But
somehow, this girl's image reminds our narrator of Julie, and 
her heart seems to ache in remembrance. Our narrator pushes 
herself to her feet, and begins to approach the girl. I'll leave
you to find out what happens.

[ I wonder why she brings this flood of thoughts and ancient
  images even as I wonder how her long fingers would feel
  {enter} into my sex, doing things to me that Julie had done. ]

Odd tense, though probably simply a typo. Beyond that, though, 
the story is very clear and clean.

Kenny does a fantastic job in presenting character and emotion
in such a short piece. Kudos.

Technical       :    9
Eros            :   10
Character/Plot  :   10
Crimson         :   10

------------------------------------------------------------------------
Distemporarily -- Adrian Hunter (fF, bd, nc)

http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/sapphic/www/stories/distemporarily.html
http://www.adrianhunter.com/

Normally I don't review non-consensual, or heavy fetish,
stories, but once in a while I do break my own rules.

Samantha is an executive that apparently has garnered the
disfavour of one of her subordinates. She arrives at
Marla's house, lets herself in, and finds instructions on
how to tie herself and what to wear. She complies, and
uncomfortable, she waits for Marla to return. Instead, Trixie 
arrives unexpectedly, a sadistic niece that takes advantage of 
the situation, and Samantha in particular.

It's well written, and very erotic, at least if bondage
and d/s interests you, but as with most of this kind of 
fiction there is far more concentration on the sex and 
the domination/submissive elements than on character. Having 
said this, Adrian does capture some of the uncertainty and 
non-consensuality of the situation for Samantha, and overall, 
I think I did like it despite myself. It won't be for everyone, 
merely because of the nc/bd aspects, but I didn't think it was 
a typical BDSM story, with a completely docile and mindless sub. 
Samantha seems to be human underneath it all and she is sexy in a 
helpless kind of way. And therein lies the character amongst
the stroke.

Technical       :   10
Eros            :   10
Character/Plot  :    8
Crimson         :    9

------------------------------------------------------------------------
Women In Love -- Katie McN (FF Rom 1ST)

http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/sapphic/www/stories/womeninlove.html
http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/Katie_McN/www/

Jennifer is the proverbial starving student. She flips burgers at
Burger King, and tries to balance school with supplementary income.
Bella Deveraux is a wildly successful author who requires an
assistant. Jennifer accepts the position, even as Bella wonders
if she's hired the girl more for her youth and looks than her
real ability. Meanwhile, Rachel -- Jennifer's roommate -- throws
a celebratory dinner at a restaurant/club that has far too many
same-gender couples. Jennifer clues in, and realises that her
roommate has been hiding her sexual preferences since they'd
met. As work with Bella progresses, Jennifer slowly realises
that her idol, the author, actually is lesbian as well. But is
Jennifer? My, what a tangled web we weave. Jennifer comes to terms 
with who she is, and what she wants from life through the spiralling
web of sex and personal enlightenment.

Technically, Katie tells a very clean tale. There were a
couple of typos, but nothing to truly worry about. They
were only typos, and the strength of the story is more
than enough to hold one's attention.

[ "Hello, my name is Jennifer Rogers. I saw {you} advertisement 
  for a part time assistant and I want to apply for the job." 
  Bella liked the sound ... ]

That pesky 'r' key again ...

[ "Bullshit, but I like the sound of it." Bella finished putting 
   on the lotion and said, "Hey, you better drink {you're} wine 
   before it gets warm." ]

"You're" should be "your".

[ Jen turned around and arched her back. She looked over her 
  shoulder at Bella to {she} the reaction when she wiggled her butt. ]

I noticed this a couple of times. Katie likes to spell 'see' as
'she'. Unfortunately, 'she' is valid to the spell checker, so it
probably was missed during the automatic proof cycle. But in the
end, simply a slip of the fingers.

Overall, I liked the story. The characters were rich and full,
the complexities in the plot well handled and realistic for the
setting. The eros was subtle and sexy. Now, if only everything in 
my life would fall so neatly into place. Excellent story.

Technical       :    9
Eros            :   10
Character/Plot  :   10
Crimson         :   10

-- 
Pursuant to the Berne Convention, this work is copyright with all rights
reserved by its author unless explicitly indicated.
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