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Message-ID: <38149asstr$1031213413@assm.asstr-mirror.org>
From: Crimson Dragon <dcrimsonp@nym.alias.net>
Subject: {ASSM} {REVIEW} {Reviews} Crimson Reviews - #8 - 03-Sep-2002
Date: Thu,  5 Sep 2002 04:10:13 -0400
Path: assm.asstr-mirror.org!not-for-mail
Approved: <assm@asstr-mirror.org>
Newsgroups: alt.sex.stories.moderated,alt.sex.stories,alt.sex.stories.d
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Sapphic Festival starts on Saturday. Don't forget.

http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/sapphic/www

------------------------------------------------------------------------
The missives below are merely opinions, publicly stated, but only 
opinions. Dragons may be immortal, but they are not infallible. Read the 
stories for yourself, and form your own opinions. Then, let the author 
know what you thought. Celeste's blowjob principle isn't smoke in the 
wind.

- Crimson Dragon (dcrimson@yahoo.com)

http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/Crimson_Dragon/www
http://members.tripod.com/files/Authors/Dr/wwwagon_Of_Crimson

Review Archives:
http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/Crimson_Reviews/www
------------------------------------------------------------------------

Story Summary:

WWJD? -- Meem17 
    (MF rom oral blasphemous) 
    [9,10,7,7]

The Rent Payment is Due -- Lincoln Parker 
    (Middle age, FMF, unexpected sex)
    [9,7,5,5]

Larry's Party of Not Quite Two (etc.) -- Mat Twassel 
    (slice of life)
    [10,7,9,9]

Forever -- Pendragon
    (MF rom 1st wl)
    [9,10,10,9]

A Once And Future Love - Star Trek -- Ann Douglas 
    (FF fanfic)
    [8,8,8,8]

Anglo Saxon Chronicles - Part Two -- smilodon 
    (Historical, M/F, Rom.)
    [9,10,10,10]

A Pepsi -- Kenny Gamera 
    (Mf wife ds)
    [8,10,10,9]

The View From Inside -- Alexis Siefert 
    (MF)
    [10,10,10,10]


Reviews:

------------------------------------------------------------------------
WWJD? {Meem17} (MF rom oral blasphemous)

http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/meme_misspelt/www/stories/wwjd.html
http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/meme_misspelt/www/

She's dressed up like a school girl, though both of them know
that she's not. There's something almost blasphemous about enjoying
these games, right down to her panties and their message that he
discovers when they return to her place for a nightcap, and
they end up playing. By the way, the message on the panties is
rather entertaining.

I have to say that I enjoyed the light tone of this story, and
the playfulness. What I didn't like was the choice of perspective.
This story is written in that bane of erotica: second person.
I can't complain too much -- it's actually well written for that
perspective -- but no matter how hard I try, I cannot fill that
role that the author wants. If I am not actually the subject of the
story, something will inevitably jar with me, and I cannot
connect with the participants, even if I would otherwise
enjoy the sexual interlude presented. That's me, though. If you
find that slipping into that second person -- perhaps if you
are a Catholic School Girl, or inherently understand what
Meme is presenting here -- then I have to believe that this
story is better done than most in this genre.

There isn't a wild amount of plot here -- the only point really,
is the sex, and that works far better than average. I did
like the train of thought that did reveal some character, albeit
mostly sexual fantasy explanation and exploration. But that's more 
than most stroke-type stories reveal.

I did think it a little odd that Meme delved so deeply (and well,
I might add) into the intricacies of school girl fantasy, but then
seemed to abandon it after the sex cranked up. The story was
well set up, but seemed to wander into only a sexual interlude
that quickly abandoned the carefully set up prelude. That's where
the character is lost to the heat of the moment. That's fine,
from an erotic sense, but from a literary sense, it loses something.

Technically, despite the second person perspective, the tale is
remarkably clean:

[ ... always takes me a little by surprise -- if I didn't know you 
  better, I might {thinking} you were acting for my benefit. ]

This is the only obvious typo that I noted.

Overall, if you can enjoy second person stories, and aren't looking
for a great deal of character or meaning, this might work wonderfully
as a nice stroke story.

Technical       :    9
Eros            :   10
Character/Plot  :    7
Crimson         :    7

------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Rent Payment is Due -- Lincoln Parker 
  (Middle age, FMF, unexpected sex)
  
http://assm.asstr-mirror.org/Year2002/38016
http://assm.asstr-mirror.org/cgi-bin/field_search.cgi?
  search=Citation340@aol.com&index=email&submit=Search

Rod recently moved into his new townhome when a knock arrives
unexpectedly on his door. Two middle aged women stand on the
stoop, smiling. The two women, Maria and Helen, tell Rod that
they are the landlords and want to pay the rent. Confused, Rod
protests that the two might have twisted things around. Usually
the renter pays the rent. Right? Maria and Helen have other
ideas, and proceed to pay Rod's rent for him in an orgy of
sex and abandon.

Overall, this makes a decent fantasy -- we've all considered
unattached, unconcerned, unexpected abandonment. And if it avoids 
paying rent, all the better.

I suppose my only problem with the story is suspension of
disbelief. It's difficult for me to believe that these two
women would behave as they did outside of pure fantasy without
some kind of further character or explanation. That's
fine -- it's a fantasy. But storywise, it begs for more
characterisation and plot. As a purely stroke scene, it works
fine, though the sex seemed a little over-described to me,
and the concentration on the women's ages is really almost
in a class of fetish that is distracting more than sexy.

Overall, it's not badly written. Only a few issues here and there:

[ "Ah, sure," was {my} confused reply.  He stepped aside and ... ]

Third person? Where did that 'my' come from? Lincoln's underlying
desire to be in the story? I'm sure, and that's certainly forgivable.

[ ... side of his lower chest and the three of them simply lay {their} 
  in a pile ... ]

'there' We all know the drill, and Lincoln does, too. It's only a typo.

A nice fantasy, but not much beyond.

Technical       :    9
Eros            :    7
Character/Plot  :    5
Crimson         :    5

------------------------------------------------------------------------
Larry's Party of Not Quite Two (etc.) -- Mat Twassel (slice of life)

http://assm.asstr-mirror.org/Year2002/38047

Mat takes us into a descent into the mind of a man away from home.
He begins with a dissertation of story reposts, then moves onto
jogging, and then to his tasteless dinner where his waitress
catches his attention. Later, alone in his room, he wonders
about ordering one of those hotel porns, that never quite
satisfy. This is one of those slice of life pieces that can
work, or can wander aimlessly, depending on whether you are in
the mood or not.

[ The average beer commercial is fifty time sexier. Nothing 
  worse in the world than a hard core sex movie without 
  sex, that is without juice or genitals.  These hotel 
  Nite-time flicks ought to be taken out and shot, burned 
  at the stake, beheaded,  boiled in oil, and fed Dreadful 
  Chicken until it's all gone.  These films have no plot, 
  no characterization, no clever dialogue, just miserably 
  bland fucking and sucking, but you don't get to see 
  anything-- ]

An interesting view on things, I must admit. I couldn't
agree more. But I digress, again. Sigh.

In particular, this slice does feature wonderfully descriptive
narrative, and strangely enough, I think I understood where Mat
was going with this piece. There is tons of character here,
though the plot and pace of the piece seemed a little more
random than could be described as a "story". Perhaps I didn't
understand it as much as I thought. Anyway, it's different,
and very well written. The commentary here is insightful on
topics ranging from sex, to stories, to jogging down the street.
The details spring to life. Its erotic content is subtle, but if you
are looking only for erotic content, I can't say that this story,
subtle or otherwise, would qualify. Even Mat won't disagree with
me there. I haven't quite decided if I liked it or not.

It's different, and worth reading, if only for the descriptive
character, but I was left with the unsettling conclusion that 
I didn't quite know what I'd read -- sort of like I'd watched
a certain Kubrick film. That's fair enough, I don't have to 
understand. Sometimes the art is enough.

Technical       :   10
Eros            :    7
Character/Plot  :    9
Crimson         :    9

------------------------------------------------------------------------
Forever -- Pendragon (MF rom 1st wl)

http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/Uther_Pendragon/www/brennan/forever.htm
http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/Uther_Pendragon/www/

Jeanette emerges from the bathroom, a wispy robe engulfing
her, her hair damp and ultimately sexy. Bob takes her place in
the bathroom to shower, anticipating. You see, he's more used to 
seeing Jeanette in jeans, line dancing, than walking up the aisle in
diaphanous white. Either way, he loves her, and together
they discover each other for the first time before they break out 
the champagne to celebrate their union.

[ After pocketing the condom and closing the {otheers} in his 
  shaving kit, he {lrft} the bathroom. ]

All in one sentence. Cool. That pesky 'e' key really hated Uther
this time 'round, and I have no idea why. 

[ He could feel the nipple push back at him through the 
  scratchy cloth.  The robe was held by only a belt, letting his 
  hand slip under it to feel the left breast through the light, 
  smooth, cloth of the nightgown. ]

Just a minor consistency issue. Her nipple pushed through
the scratchy cloth of the smooth, light nightgown? Again. Why would
a smooth, light cloth be scratchy? It's not a big deal, but it did 
throw me out of the story momentarily. Just minor details.

Anyway, Uther writes a clean story. The first is only a minor
typo. No big deal, and the second could have been me misreading it.
Either way, the story is clean and well written. Not to worry.

The sex is tender and loving, and touches on that wedding-night
bliss that should be anticipated and enjoyed.

Technical       :    9
Eros            :   10
Character/Plot  :   10
Crimson         :    9

------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Once And Future Love - Star Trek -- Ann Douglas (FF)

http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/Ann_Douglas/www/dax.htm
http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/Ann_Douglas/www/

Jadzia Dax has a mission -- to retrieve a lost, futuristic tricorder 
that was abandoned in the past. A naughty Klingon had used a Bajoran 
Orb to attempt to assassinate Kirk by manipulating time, and the crew 
of DS9 foiled the plot, but managed to leave this tricorder in the
wrong timeframe. Dax has to retrieve it, but the darn machine from 
the future has already been reassigned to Uhura. Using her knowledge 
of the future, her past lives, and her feminine charms, Jadzia manages 
to find a way to retrieve the lost artifact, and save the universe as 
we know it.

This is fanfic, and fun fanfic at that. If the above plot outline
doesn't make sense to you, then you probably don't follow Star
Trek, and this story may not make a great deal of sense to you either.
As with most fanfic, it relies heavily on character recognition,
but not as much as some. For those that recognise the characters, it
might work, if you aren't too picky about consistency in plotlines
or last minute convenient additions to the script. Then again, if you 
watch Star Trek, you probably are used to such things. And that
doesn't make being a Trekker bad (sheesh, I could almost hear
the whistle of phasers on kill, flying past my scales.)

[ "Real Saurian brandy?"  Jadzia asked.

  "Is there {anyone} other kind?" the Enterprise officer asked
  in turn, thinking her guest's question strange. ]

Small typos and a multitude of sentence fragments dot the text.
I'm not sure why Ann used as many sentence fragments as she did,
and truthfully, they didn't bother me, though they were a little
distracting. Perhaps Ann was using them for effect?

Overall, this is a fun story, the sex interesting if you know
the characters, but it will probably appeal far more to people
that enjoy the Star Trek sagas than to anyone else. Though I
have to admit, the image of Jadzia and Uhura together definitely 
has some appeal <smile>.

Technical       :    8
Eros            :    8
Character/Plot  :    8
Crimson         :    8

------------------------------------------------------------------------
Anglo Saxon Chronicles - Part Two -- smilodon (Historical, M/ F, Rom.)

http://assm.asstr-mirror.org/Year2002/38052
http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/Smilodoings/

The year is 871 and the Danes have pushed back the Saxons. Edric,
sworn to protect the former King, has failed in his duties, a sword
blow to the head in battle temporarily incapacitating him, and the 
Saxon King has fallen. This failure makes Edric an outcast of sorts; 
it seems he should have died with his liege, but the new King will 
have none of that nonsense. Edric is needed. By and by, Edric leads 
a distraction party into the countryside where he fights Danes 
valiantly and stumbles across the beautiful Godgifu. Godgifu is 
forsaken by her father for failing to be married despite a sizeable 
dowry. Neither Edric nor Godgifu has classical beauty, but is 
that really important? Certainly not to them. Godgifu is en route 
to a nunnery, courtesy of her father, and Edric agrees to accompany 
her, what with the cowardly abandonment of Godgifu's escort. The two 
get to know each other, and find love despite their differences. The 
story is loving and romantic and very realistic. I thought I was
there.

Now, I'm going to have to justify that nine below, so with a sigh:

[ "I {how} somehow feel that that decision isn't mine!" Edric smiled ... ]

Extra word? (Note that the double 'that' is quite correct, though).

[ Sometimes he struggled to find the exact word he wanted
  to express a particular feeling or describe something that he had seen 
  but she quickly realised this was because there was only {one} word that 
  would do. ]

Missing word (my addition in braces)? Actually, this sentence is rather 
awkward considering smilodon's normal prose. Perhaps it needs to be 
rewritten as well?

[ "Well, now I have need of him. Doubtless you will wish to see {you}
  father. ... ]

This could have been an attempt at ye olde English, but I suspect
it was more a missed typo ... that pesky 'r' key again ...

[ It was like riding a wild horse, she thought, or better yet, a 
  dragon. ]

<smile>

Naked, Godgifu carefully stepped up, her arms encircling the crimson
scales of the beast, her legs straddling and hugging for balance. 
Without warning, it rose, wings gently beating the air like 
faraway thunder. The air whipped her hair back, fluttering
in the wind, her legs trembling as the darkened world flit
by far below, bathed in moonlight.

Sometimes, Seren simply refuses to listen. However, was that
what you were thinking, smilodon? <sigh> I digress.

Don't take the technical flaws seriously (except for one of you, 
and you know who you are ...). The story is wonderfully full, 
the characters coming alive, the middle English history close 
enough to touch. I think I really like this anthology of
smilodon's. Keep up the excellent work.

Technical       :    9
Eros            :   10
Character/Plot  :   10
Crimson         :   10

------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Pepsi -- Kenny Gamera (Mf wife ds)

http://assm.asstr-mirror.org/Year2002/38071
http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/Gamera/

Charlotte meanders into a bar, sits at the end and orders
a drink. She glances around the room, noting a table of six
near the back of the bar -- suits and loose ties, obviously
transient customers, guys passing through for one convention
or another. She winks at them, and one gathers up enough
bravery to approach her. She lets him run his hands up her
leg, and encourages him despite the wedding band on her finger.
His suggestions begin in the cliched, but quick spiral into
the obscene. Then she orders her Pepsi, and I'll leave you
to read and find out what ends up happening to her.

I have to admit that the conversation between the business
man and the girl strained the limits of my disbelief, and it
might yours, too. But stick with it -- Kenny takes us places
that I wasn't fully expecting, and it turns out far better
than I'd imagined. Kenny could have taken this into the
realms of the utterly impossible, but it works far better the
way he ultimately chose. It's more real because of his
eventual destination. That's all I'll say. The character
emerges at the end, and after all was said and done, I think
I liked it.

Technically, I found a few issues:

[ Her white blouse was in contrast {quiet} loose and flowed 
  with her movements as slowly {she/it} slid from the door to 
  the bar. ]

Here, a typo mars the sentence, {quiet} instead of 'quite', along 
with a dropped subject in the latter phrasing (my suggestions in
braces). The sentence is also missing a few commas to accommodate the
odd adjective placements. Ultimately, though, the sentence is simply 
awkward. Personally, I would have rearranged it into a more aggressive 
voice to better capture the reader:

Her loose white blouse flowed with her movements, contrasting
against her tighter clothing as she slowly slid from the door to 
the bar.

The passive voice on Kenny's sentences lend a distracted feel
to the piece, but that's his choice, and beyond the awkwardness,
there's nothing inherently wrong with it -- but more direct,
aggressive sentences can produce more immediacy to the text
and tends to be accepted better by readers.

I don't know if it was purposeful or not, but Kenny tended to
use an excessive number of : 'moderate's in the opening paragraph. 
I think he was aiming for effect, but honestly, I'm not sure why. 
Perhaps a slightly more varied vocabulary would improve the
readability here. There are many words that would have substituted
nicely for 'moderate' avoiding the repetition. Thesaurus if none
immediately come to mind.

[ Soon her gaze settled on a corner booth not far {from}
  where she sat, with six men dressed in suits.  {Their ties
  were in varying states of undone.}  A few had their jackets
  off and draped over the back of the booth. ]

Simply a dropped word: {from}. The second sentence here is
awkward, and probably should be addressed through rewrite.

[ She moaned then said softly, "{h}e's not a wimp.  I just like
  a little extra." ]

Her sentence is complete, even within the quotes. {he} should be
capitalised here.

Overall, though, the story moves along nicely, the plot and
the suggestion of sex enticing. Don't let the "ds" code scare you; 
I enjoyed it for the most part, and I honestly didn't think this
would be a story that I could like. 

Technical       :    8
Eros            :   10
Character/Plot  :   10
Crimson         :    9

------------------------------------------------------------------------
The View From Inside -- Alexis Siefert (MF)

http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/Alexis_S/www/HIA_tvfi.htm
http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/Alexis_S/www/

Lucy and Nathan are the epitome of struggling artists. Both are
in the theatre business: Lucy an actress, Nathan a production 
manager. Lucy slowly moves up, moving from off-off-Broadway,
through commercials to starring in Broadway venues. Nathan moves
a little faster, quickly making a name for himself as the guy to
call if there is going to be production issues. But this is
a story of Lucy, and her struggle with the vestiges of fame.
How does one deal with the lack of privacy? The pressures of
life? The demanding schedules? The petty fights and power plays
with the supporting casts? Alcohol? The support of loved ones?
And what happens when all that comes crashing down, as it almost
inevitably must?

Alexis spins us a tale that drops us deeply into the mind of
Lucy, and a more subtle Nathan. It isn't a happy story, but it
is a realistic one -- frighteningly so. I believed in Lucy, and
Alexis ensured that my suspension of disbelief stayed exactly
where she wanted it. I was in their world, and the story is
great because of it.

Only one technical issue:

[ Nights we weren't working{,} we spent up {on} the roof,
  under the stars. ]

A few dropped details, but nothing serious. I loved the imagery
of the rooftop, by the way.

Overall, this isn't a story to miss. Not high on the stroke
scales, but who cares? Alexis spins a real story here, and
it's worth every moment to read.

Technical       :   10
Eros            :   10
Character/Plot  :   10
Crimson         :   10

-- 
Pursuant to the Berne Convention, this work is copyright with all rights
reserved by its author unless explicitly indicated.
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