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Message-ID: <38045asstr$1030583404@assm.asstr-mirror.org>
From: Peaches and Cream  <peachescreamreviews@yahoo.com>
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Subject: {ASSM} {REVIEW} Peaches and Cream Reviews: #27
Date: Wed, 28 Aug 2002 21:10:04 -0400
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Hi! We're Peaches & Cream. We're just two ordinary Joes who like
reading and romance. Recently, there was a Summer Solstice Romance
Festival on ASSM, and it caught our attention. We started discussing
the stories and our reviews were born. Our format is simple: one of us
starts the review, the other chimes in, and then the starter finishes
it off. Because this is all about romance, we'll be scoring with 0-5
kisses. We're changing our format to include more than one story per
issue. There is a website devoted to the festival where you can find
all the stories we will review. 

http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/Rui_Favorites/www/RomFest

***

Peaches & Cream Reviews: #27

They say a person needs just three things to be truly happy in this
world. Someone to love, something to do, and something to hope for.
- Tom Bodett

Stories to be reviewed:

Summer Theater by NormDePloom
First Date by Valen
Given by Sven the Elder
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Summer Theater by NormDePloom
(rom)
http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/normdeploom/SummerTheater.htm

***

Cream:

There is probably a lot of good raw material in "Summer Theater," but
I advise a major rewrite. The story is divided into number of slice of
life acts involving a number of college kids who are participating in
a theater workshop during the summer of 1969.  By the end of the
summer and the end of the story two of the people, John and Shirley,
make love on a blanket on the grass behind the theater.

The problems with this production are many: so many characters; not
enough focus; hard to tell who the important characters are; most of
the scenes are mostly dialogue in which not much happens.  There are
also quite a few "technical" writing errors, though more damaging is
the slow pace and limited vitality.  In other words, Summer Theater is
in many ways just like real life.  Until the final scene, a lot of
important events seem to be playing out at the edge of the stage or
off the stage, and all the main character can do is make clever quips
or scratch his head. I'm sure it's frustrating for him, but it's also
frustrating for us. I wonder how much of this was by the author's
design.   I think I would have preferred seeing the plays within the
play. 'All Those Things That Are True but Never Happened' written by
John Adams, the hero here, or even seen some of the stuff that must
have happened during its production.   Maybe there is something really
brilliant going on beneath the surface that I missed. I do see that in
a certain light from a certain angle "Summer Theater" might be artful.
But I don't find it enjoyable at all, I find it dull and without
drama.

1 1/2 kisses.

***

Peaches:

If an author loses his reader in the beginning, can he ever get him
back? Sometimes, maybe. But sometimes the reader could just get stuck
in the muck of fifteen characters and never resurface. Yes, I
counted--fifteen character names and that didn't include Simon T.
Duck.

The story really could be touching--a boy thinks he wants a particular
girl, but then discovers the one he really likes is the one right
under his nose. And there are scattered areas of dialogue that are
quite witty and entertaining.

>"Does anybody know whose play was selected for the 
>Student Production?"  Shirley asked.
 
>"I do," John replied snapping out of his depressing
> line of thought.  
 
>"Who?"  All three girls asked in unison.
 
>"Can't tell you," he answered with a grin, 
>"I was sworn to secrecy."
 
>"You don't know shit," Shirley shot back, 
>"how would you know whose play has been selected?" 
 
>"I'm psychotic," John answered, "I mean psychic," 
>he corrected with a deadpan expression.  
 
>"You were right the first time."  Shirley chuckled,


But there are too few of these, and too many meaningless discussions
that do nothing for the story. 

2.5 kisses

***

Cream:

The dialogue you pointed to was probably my favorite of the story.
You are right, Peaches, there is potential in this story.  But I don't
think just a few little changes and touch-ups are likely to cure it.

Regarding those "meaningless discussions" I couldn't help but wonder
as I was reading this whether the author intended much of it to be
trivial and inconsequential to make a point about what is important
and what does matter.  

***

Peaches: 2.5 kisses
Cream: 1.5 kisses
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
First Date by Valen
(MF rom)
http://assm.asstr-mirror.org/Year2002/36930


***

Peaches:

Jane is waiting for Eric at a restaurant. They've known each other as
friends for nine months, but they were always part of a larger crowd.
Things are on the verge of changing. Unfortunately, Eric hasn't set
his clock with the time change and is now more than an hour late.

I'm not sure why Jane waits for more than an hour. I'm not sure why
Eric has only one clock--the one in his car. And I'm not sure why they
both break down in tears, professing their love, when Eric finally
does arrive. There really is very little drama and certainly not
enough to have both characters sobbing.

Page one of this story has some nice phrases, "But he's said no, that
wasn't what he meant, and turned her world upside down." And "...with
her Corona sweating in the summer heat." A nice image! But it's almost
as if another author took over and wrote pages two through six.

I like the couple leaving a fancy restaurant to feed each other
take-out in a park under the stars. But I'm afraid the stars are the
only thing that's twinkling.

2.5 kisses

***

Cream:

We're sort of getting two stories for the price of one, first a
soft-core romance set up, then a sex story. My first thought was they
don't really go together. The halves don't fit.  Now I'm not so sure.
Why shouldn't Jane and Eric's date end with a hard-core fuck?  These
are nice people, probably made for each other.  It's good to see them
get it on.

>Their lips parted and Eric had to bite the tip of his 
>tongue to keep from cumming too soon.  Jane cut 
>loose completely and started bouncing wildly on his 
>cock.  Drunk with love for her man, the sex was a 
>continuous orgasm for her.  Even after he pulled her 
>face back down to his and groaned into her mouth, 
>exploding in her cunt, Jane kept riding him.

Yes, the writing gets very sloppy. Yes, the plotting falls apart as
the romantic tension dissipates. Maybe from a literary point of view
this isn't a very good story, but it turns out to be a pretty
satisfying first date by stroke standards.

3.9 kisses

***

Peaches:

The problem with the set up is by the time we get to the stroke, I've
completely lost interest. The beginning and end aren't congruous. I
agree that a couple that has been holding pent up emotions for one
another for nine months might explode into all out carnal sex, but the
problem is we see none of that tension before we get to the sex. I
suppose the mutual sobbing could have been a hint of tension, but the
story needs to build from that backwards. Hint at the tension slowly,
until we build to that ultimate conclusion.

***

Peaches: 2.5 kisses
Cream: 3.9 kisses
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Given by Sven the Elder
(M/F rom)
http://assm.asstr-mirror.org/Year2002/36935

***

Cream:

"Given" employs an interesting setup and has an interesting setting
with interesting characters.  A writer of Internet erotica gets an
email from an "admirer" who has been able to figure out his real
identity.  The admirer proposes a meeting at a waterfront restaurant.
After dinner the pair board the admirer's pocket sailing cruiser
docked at the restaurant's edge.

The admirer's email contained a veiled threat, but we never find out
exactly what that threat is.  And exactly what the writer risks is
similarly veiled.  There's more of this beneath-the-surface stuff in
this story.  The main clue to the mystery, I believe, is the title,
Given. The word appears twice in the body of the story.  There,
Peaches, that's all the hint you're going to get from me--as if you
needed it.

The writing itself is soft and gentle. It caresses the reader, rocks
him somewhat the way little waves rock a boat.  But I longed for
something more substantial--the bit of "leaking" was my favorite part.
I think the boat and the setting and the setup and the characters,
too, were somewhat under used.  Peaches, I feel quite certain you will
think that I'm greatly undervaluing this story.

3.25 kisses

***

Peaches:

Given the chance and given the time, I might be able to come up with
that the title really means! Or I might understand a little better why
you'd say I thought you were undervaluing the story. 

The story is lovely. Nice setting. Nice people. Nice plot. It's just
nice. And that's a little of what makes this story unfair. It nabs you
in the beginning with promises of threats and risks. Anyone that has
met someone from the Internet would understand those risks. But that's
not what this story is about, not really. It's about meeting up with
an old lover that you let get away. Maybe if somewhere in the latter
part of the story, the Internet angle was revisited, if only in
conversation, then I might feel a better sense of completion. 

But what I think this story does do better than most is give me a
sense of location. There's plenty of colloquialisms that don't ask
forgiveness for not being *American*. It adds distinctive flair that
is missing from a lot of stories and I like it. A lot!

3.5 kisses

***

Cream:

This story is nicely reserved and understated.  That, to my mind, is
the way it's better than most.  Maybe instead of doing more with those
veiled threats of early on, the author should have downplayed them
right from the beginning.  I'm not sure.  Probably not.  Surely
there's meant to be a strong undercurrent of threats and risks through
out the story.  It's just that they're not immediately clear even as
the story is coming to its conclusion. Maybe I should add subtle to
reserved and understated.  Anyway, the reason I feared you'd think I
was undervaluing the story is pretty easy: Because I'm rather certain
I am undervaluing the story.

***

Peaches: 3.5 kisses
Cream: 3.25 kisses

-- 
Pursuant to the Berne Convention, this work is copyright with all rights
reserved by its author unless explicitly indicated.
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