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Message-ID: <38033asstr$1030529406@assm.asstr-mirror.org>
From: Crimson Dragon <dcrimsonp@nym.alias.net>
Subject: {ASSM} {REVIEW} {Reviews} Crimson Reviews - #7 - 27-Aug-2002
Date: Wed, 28 Aug 2002 06:10:06 -0400
Path: assm.asstr-mirror.org!not-for-mail
Approved: <assm@asstr-mirror.org>
Newsgroups: alt.sex.stories.moderated,alt.sex.stories,alt.sex.stories.d
Followup-To: alt.sex.stories.d

For those of you who might be interested, I've updated the
Crimson Reviews site with some extra information. Specifically,
I've added sections on "How I Choose Stories To Review", and 
"What Reviews Really Mean." I've been receiving a few questions
regarding these elements of the review process, and while I
love E-mail (except for spam and the moronic viruses <growl>), 
this might satisfy some of the more standard questions.

http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/Crimson_Reviews/www

Also, we are only two weeks from the Sapphic Fest. Yes,
I reviewed another Kelly story and it reminded me. Let it
remind you, too. 

http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/sapphic/www/

Regards,
- Crimson

------------------------------------------------------------------------
The missives below are merely opinions, publicly stated, but only 
opinions. Dragons may be immortal, but they are not infallible. Read the 
stories for yourself, and form your own opinions. Then, let the author 
know what you thought. Celeste's blowjob principle isn't smoke in the 
wind.

- Crimson Dragon (dcrimson@yahoo.com)

http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/Crimson_Dragon/www
http://members.tripod.com/files/Authors/Dr/wwwagon_Of_Crimson

Review Archives:
http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/Crimson_Reviews/www
------------------------------------------------------------------------

Story Summary:

Panic Attack -- Dryad
    (MF, Rom, oral)
    [8,10,10,10]

Hooked -- David Shaw 
    (M/FF; F/voyeur: reluc.)
    [8,10,10,9]

Stealing Stephanie -- Jacobin 
    (MF rom)
    [9,10,10,10]

Roundabout -- Lord Malinov 
    (MF voy rom)
    [10,10,10,10]

Freedom in the New World -- Bradley Stoke 
    (MF, caution)
    [10,8,10,10]

Anglo-Saxon Chronicles Part One -- smilodon 
    (Historical, No Sex, Caution)
    [10,10,10,10]

Polly the Mechanic -- Kelly Adams 
    (FF)
    [9,10,8,9]

Taking Tracy -- PsiKoTicK 
    (MF, Rom, Oral, lt bond)
    [6,8,6,5]

Eros in Love - Oke 
    (M/F, rom, dialogue involving rape) 
    [8,10,10,10]

Reviews:

------------------------------------------------------------------------
Panic Attack -- Dryad (MF oral)

http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/Dryad/www/panicattack.html
http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/Dryad/www/

Perhaps it has merely been one of those weeks, but I know exactly
what Kim was going through. "Where the hell are my keys?" Scream
therapy can be wonderfully effective. Well, Bill shows up and
calms Kim down, convincing her that the committee meeting can't
be all that important. The keys are by her purse, but does she
really need to go? What follows is truly how to calm down
a frazzled lady complete with bath, candles, fireplace, scented
oil, music and a wonderful stress relief at the end.

Now, I have to admit that I'm a fan of Enya, and even the mention
of her music is bound to make me shiver. It sets the mood for
this romantic story, and I found myself lost in it, seeing
exactly what was going on, and understanding the characters,
truly experiencing with all my senses.

As I said, it's been one of those weeks.

Technically, the story has a few issues that I'll mention
below, but don't let it throw you. Dryad writes a compelling
story here -- the technical issues didn't jar me, and shouldn't
jar the average reader. I look for them, but if you don't
the story will swallow you, and keep you.

[ "You aren't presenting, right?" he looked at her questioningly. ]

Dryad has an odd dialogue style. Sometimes, we get the above where
I think the 'he' should have been capitalised as a
separate sentence. The dialogue wasn't 'looked', it was spoken.
The second phrase is a separate thought, and probably warrants
a second sentence. In other places, Dryad gives us the second
sentence, but arguably shouldn't. I'm not sure what is going on
with that, but I suspect it is only confusion about which style to
use.

[ She kicked {of} her shoes, taking a deep breath. ]

'Off', I think.

[ "{Its} probably the committee." She sighed heavily. ]

Here, Dryad means 'it is'. The contractive form here should be
"it's". Dryad makes this error in a number of places. If it had
only been a typo, I probably wouldn't have mentioned it.

One thing that I did notice, and that I do mention in the opposite
case a fair bit: Perspective. It would have been so easy for
Dryad to fall into the trap of switching back and forth between
Kim and Bill throughout the story. Dryad resists temptation. The 
story remains firmly planted in Kim's experience, and I have to 
admit that I liked it even more because of that. 

Overall, though, while the technical issues should be resolved,
they don't taint the story at all. It is still mighty easy to
descend into the story and soak it in. 

Technical       :    8
Eros            :   10
Character/Plot  :   10
Crimson         :   10

------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hooked -- David Shaw (M/FF; F/voyeur: reluc.)

http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/David_Shaw/www/HOOKEDfull.htm
http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/David_Shaw/www/

A small town girl arrives in another small town, working in a small
town bank. Collette introduces our intrepid narrator to life in
a small town when the Beatles were popular, and life was simpler.
Georgie, the local town success story, is the bank's largest
customer. His wife doesn't know about the extra-curricular activities
that Collette and Georgie are up to. Worse, in a small town, if
something like that got out ... well, shit's creek would be a
kind fate. So, Collette needs help to keep her affair secret,
and the new teller is the girl that potentially could send
Collette and Georgie up that proverbial creek without a paddle.
So, Collette asks the narrator to keep the secret, even though
the new girl is shocked by Collette's revelations. However,
our narrator gets curious, wants to see for herself what's
going on, and is caught with the help of some carefully placed fish 
hooks. She gets drafted into Collette's service, and we get a bird's 
eye view of our narrator and her predicament.

I have to say that I enjoyed the style of this piece. Tons of
character, and plot, and all the things that make stories
wonderful to read. The morals of it, I'm not as sure about,
but overall it was entertaining, to say the least. The sex is
hot, and captures the narrator's reluctance nicely, and in
that is much of the character of the story. It's handled
well, which in this sort of story is somewhat unusual.

Technically, the tale is reasonably clean. A few things to
watch:

[ Though everything seemed fine at first{,} I soon had an vague 
  impression that Collette had something on her mind that she wanted 
  to talk about. ]

David needs to watch those lengthy adverbial introductions. If
there's more than four or so words, and/or it runs into the
sentence subject, the comma (marked), is not optional. One can
get away without it for very short adverbial introductions, but
not for lengthy ones. I noted this throughout the story, and it
is a little distracting.

[ ... closer, his hands slipping down to my knees as I saw my shoes 
  raised up towards the ceiling until {he} laces were hanging down. ]

Simply a typo here. There were a few of them, but remarkably few
for the length of the story.

Don't take the technical critique too seriously, folks. David
writes a really clean story, and it certainly kept my
interest. The technical glitches are really only because I
look for them, and they are few and far between.

If I might make a suggestion, while the story was wonderful,
David introduces us to the narrator in a future time frame,
the story itself almost told in flashback -- Georgie dead and
Collette running a brothel in Reno. That's fine, but
I was expecting a little more at the end, perhaps an insight
into how the situation affected our narrator, or at least a
grounding into her current situation, or perhaps a touch of
explanation on how Georgie died or Collette ended up in
Nevada. I cared about our narrator, which is a good thing, but
I wanted to know, ultimately, where she ended up. I mean, we can 
guess, and that has its own charm, but David leaves us, instead, 
with a hint the narrator's other adventures, perhaps to be told in 
other stories, but it left me hanging as to where our narrator is 
now. A return to the future, with some sort of message, would have 
completed the story nicely. If David hadn't started the story in the 
future, then I wouldn't have been expecting it. Anyway, this is 
only a suggestion, and doesn't really detract from the story as told -- 
it was only my expectation as a reader that David chose not to pursue.

I really liked the point of view that David chose for the story.
The narrator came across wonderfully detailed and believable, and 
human.

Overall, I did enjoy this story, and that's saying something
considering my tastes and my demands for this genre of story.
David's story flows very nicely, and captures the interest.

Technical       :    8
Eros            :   10
Character/Plot  :   10
Crimson         :    9

------------------------------------------------------------------------
Stealing Stephanie -- Jacobin (mf rom)

http://assm.asstr-mirror.org/Year2002/37972
http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/jacobin/www/

Paul covets Stephanie from afar. They work together, and he's liked
her from the moment she showed up in the workplace. One night,
at the neighbourhood pub during a post-launch party, Stephanie
brings her current beau, but he's crass, and annoying, and a
drunk driver to boot. Stephanie ends up at the bar with Paul,
and Paul asks her why she's with him. "He's hung." Shocked, Paul makes
her a promise that if she were to allow it, he could make love
to her for two hours without even taking off his clothes. Does size
really matter that much? Stephanie glances at him with a smirk of 
disbelief, and agrees to his terms. Two hours, not a second more.

What follows is a nice telling of that two hours, and I must admit,
while heavy on the sex, it is sensual and wonderful. The sex had
a point.

Technically, there are a few slips, but nothing serious. I'll
point out a couple, but honestly, Jacobin is careful with the
script, and it reads easily.

[ "It's allright, I feel the same way." ]

I once had an author, far better than I, correct me on this.
I argued with her, but eventually, I bent to her suggestion.
While 'already' has managed to slip into the lexicon, as far 
as I know, 'alright' hasn't quite received the same acceptance
level from a formal language standpoint. However, 'alright' has its 
defenders, especially in fictional dialogue. To me, 'alright' smacks 
of amateur writing, and I don't use it any more, even though I'm
convinced that someday it will find its way into more common usage
as 'already' has. But I've never even seen 'allright' beyond this 
usage. I honestly think it is better all the way round to use 
'all right' and be safe.

There's also a case that this sentence might be broken into two
separate thoughts, warranting a period, or possibly a semicolon,
instead of a comma.

[ "That was nice, Paul, but what are you going to do for an hour and 
   fourty minutes?" she looked back at me, eyebrows up. ]

I pretty sure that the correct spelling is 'forty.' It doesn't
make any sense, and I'm the first to acknowledge that, but 
nevertheless, both my British and my American dictionary agreed
on the point.

Anyway, this story is a nice mix of sensuality and story.
I liked the Paul and the Stephanie characters, a realism
permeating them. Well done.

Technical       :    9
Eros            :   10
Character/Plot  :   10
Crimson         :   10

------------------------------------------------------------------------
Roundabout -- Lord Malinov (MF voy rom)

http://home1.gte.net/res0cmkt/malinov69/Roundabout.txt
http://home1.gte.net/res0cmkt/malinov69/index.html

An illuminated window in a sea of darkness. A neighbour, Jane,
young, and desirable, caught in its glare. A young man,
watching, watching, desiring, loving from the next yard,
night sounds surrounding her voice: "Fuck me." The 
consequences melded with the twists of time.

[ I reached for a stool she need at the same moment she reached, 
  bringing us for one instant ... ]

I'm not sure what happened in this sentence, but this was the
only issue in the entire story that jarred me. Perhaps a leftover
from a draft?

The language that Malinov uses is liquid and flowing and lyrical, 
drawing you into the story and holding you there. I loved the cycle
of time, and I loved the use of the language. I loved the characters. 
Truly inspiring.

Technical       :   10
Eros            :   10
Character/Plot  :   10
Crimson         :   10

------------------------------------------------------------------------
Freedom in the New World -- Bradley Stoke (MF, caution)

http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/Bradley_Stoke/www/04_Freedom_in_the_New_World.htm
http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/Bradley_Stoke/www/

Thasra is a slave. When I first began to read this, I was afraid
that I was reading another Slave of Gor impersonation. I couldn't
have been more wrong. Thasra is a slave in perhaps the most 
literal sense, dragged from Africa against her will into the
clutches of the white devils in the New World. The New World
that, ironically, represents freedom and democracy and adventure.
That is, if you are white and a land owner it does. If you are
black and a woman and constantly afraid of the master's whip,
well, the land of the free isn't quite the Eden advertised.

Bradley takes us deep into Thasra's mind, telling her story,
using contrast, sex, and imagery to drive into us the horror of
her existence, the inequity of the times. This isn't a fun story, 
nor is it meant to be. The caution in the codes is quite correct. 
But that isn't to say that the story isn't worth reading. The 
commentary and the insights are well worth the effort to read it. 
While it is disturbing, perhaps we need to be disturbed sometimes. 
Bradley hits the theme and the topic dead on. While there's a definite 
sexual element, the story is not about the sex beyond its use
in the story, and doesn't pretend to be. That's a good thing. The
eight below isn't an indication of failure to provide eros, the
story was never intended to do so, and so the score there is actually
a reflection of success. You'll have to read the story to understand
what I mean.

I truly enjoyed it.

Technical       :   10
Eros            :    8
Character/Plot  :   10
Crimson         :   10

------------------------------------------------------------------------
Anglo-Saxon Chronicles Part One. -- smilodon 
  (Historical, No Sex, Caution)

http://assm.asstr-mirror.org/Year2002/38010
http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/Smilodoings/

I really didn't quite know what I was getting into when I began this.
First of all, I don't normally review multi-part stories. Then there
was no sex, and a caution in the banner. But this was smilodon, and
I felt like reading it. Don't be dissuaded by what I presupposed.
For starters, the story stands on its own -- the "Part One"
refers to a continuing anthology, but doesn't indicate, at least
for this story, any requirement to read further.

This is historical fiction, carefully crafted and believable. I must
admit to a weakness towards middle English history, and this story
satiated my thirst. It is the story of a soldier, or rather the
son of a noble, fighting the Danes circa 740 AD. What results is a
masterful telling of heroism, and love, and history. While even the
author claims to have taken liberties, the resulting fiction is
fun and readable and probably for the most part accurate. The characters
come alive; personally, I really enjoyed the narrator, Beate, and Ivar
(more truthfully, I hated Ivar as much as I was supposed to). The plot 
moves along drawing the characters together in medieval England.

As advertised, there isn't much sex here, and what is here seems 
almost necessary for the plot. However, there's an underlying eros
here, especially in the subtle heroism. Eros doesn't have to come
from graphic sex scenes. If pumping hydraulics are what you're looking 
for, then this story may not be for you, but if you are looking for an
entertaining story, with some eros adjusted to the times underlying it, 
smilodon does a wonderful job.

And, any story that mentions dragons, can't be bad:

[ The great axes smote them. The golden dragon banner flew
  above our heads; we roared our war-shout in defiant unison, ... ]

Smilodon, I'm sure that history has warped the real red-hued dragon
into this golden facsimile. I know. I was there. <grin> 

Truly worth reading.

Technical       :   10
Eros            :   10
Character/Plot  :   10
Crimson         :   10

------------------------------------------------------------------------
Polly the Mechanic -- Kelly Adams (FF)

http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/Kelly/www/polly.txt
http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/Kelly/www/

Now, I ask you, why does the name "Polly the Mechanic" ring
bells? It's driving me nuts. I know I saw a "Polly the Mechanic"
in a movie somewhere recently who kissed another girl, but damned 
if I can remember where. Only the scene. I wonder why that scene
stuck in my mind? But, I digress.

Anyway, Polly the Mechanic seems to be a cross between that
girl, and Mona Lisa Vito (for whom I do remember the reference
and as far as I know didn't kiss any girls in the movie, more's
the pity). Anyway, Charity's car breaks down, and Polly is the girl 
to fix it up. To hurry her along, Charity gives Polly a wet
kiss as incentive, and true to her word, Polly repairs the
car in record time, delivering it for the remainder of her
incentive. I know it was only a plot device, but I have to 
admit some personal reservations about the use of sex as an
incentive here, but truthfully, I'm not sure that it
would bother most people (and it didn't really bother me all
that much).

I didn't get a full view of the characters -- to be honest this
seemed like a piece of a larger work almost, though it stands
well enough on its own. I would have liked to see a little more
background -- perhaps how Charity even knew that the incentive
kiss was going to earn her a faster fixed car rather than a slap
and a screwdriver through the rad -- the car rad, you perverts.
As I said, perhaps that's better explained somewhere else in Kelly's
Walnut Grove setting. And that's probably mostly me -- the 
resulting sex is fun and hot between the women.

The prose is mostly clean, only the odd problems showing up:

[ ... string muscular legs and shapely thighs, a
  thin and taught waist, and perfect b-cup tits. ]

Not quite sure what 'string muscular legs' are; I think that
the adjective form of 'string' is 'stringy', but I'm not even sure
that's for what Kelly was looking. But I digress, again.

What I want to talk about is 'taught' vs. 'taut'. 'Taught' is the
past tense of 'to teach'. 'Taut' is the adjective, meaning the opposite 
of loose and flabby. Kelly knows that, I'm sure it's only a typo here,
but I thought I'd point it out for the authors that don't realise
the implications of the transversal.

Overall, a fun romp.

Technical       :    9
Eros            :   10
Character/Plot  :    8
Crimson         :    9

------------------------------------------------------------------------
Taking Tracy -- PsiKoTicK (MF, Rom, Oral, lt bond)

http://assm.asstr-mirror.org/Year2002/38002

Tracy comes home to a house that doesn't work -- the lights don't
work, it's dark and almost forbidding. In her bedroom, a candle
announces that she should take a bath. Mike shows up, and teases
her in the bath, feeding her strawberries. All very romantic,
and quite well done. Then the left turn at Albuquerque takes place. 
She emerges from the bathroom, naked into the living room where Mike 
suddenly begins to dominate her. It's pretty light d/s, but honestly it
caught me off guard, given the opening. I suppose I should have
known what was coming from the story codes.

Anyway, while the story was interesting from a sexual standpoint,
I really didn't get any handle on Tracy's behaviour, or Mike's
for that matter. I don't understand why they acted the way that
they did -- even lust seems out of place. It's confusing. Tracy gave
no indication that she was submissive prior to accepting her
collar. It was honestly jarring having to reconfigure my conceptions
of her, and I'm not sure I ever really succeeded. It's almost like 
there's two distinct stories here without real connection or plot 
except sex and characters. That's fine, but understand that this 
makes it difficult to judge it as a "story".

PsiKoTicK switches perspective a fair bit between Mike and Tracy, 
without any real reason to do so, and that adds to the confusion.

Technically, the prose is reasonably well written at the line
level, but suffers from a few issues: notably paragraphs, paragraphs, 
paragraphs. Even when PsiKoTicK breaks the prose, it seems arbitrary 
and based, perhaps, only on length. Paragraphs are particularly
important during dialogue to ensure that the reader knows when
speakers change, but also paragraphs need to be incorporated
properly to break the story ideas and flow. PsiKoTicK needs to get 
a handle on this, badly. The writing within seems reasonable if
he can get past the formatting.

[ ... gently pressed against it.  "Ooooohhhhh..." she let out, her 
  body excited, as 2 of his fingers slowly slipped into her, his 
  thumb rolling around her clit. ]

While I'm not sure if it is technically incorrect or not, that 
numeric '2' isn't necessary. It is only two (2) more keystrokes to 
spell it out, and it wouldn't jar the reader.

[ ... hair from his hands.  Her lips clamped around his cock, 
  slowly sliding down, til his cock was buried in her mouth. ]

I couldn't find 'til' in the dictionary. We use the slang term
so much in our colloquial lexicon that it seems correct. It
isn't. Two more keystrokes and the word emerges. Don't be
lazy unless there's good reason to do so. The example given
here didn't have a good reason.

Overall, an interesting premise. I would have liked to see
more characterisation, some explanation beyond the implicit
role reversal for Tracy. Who is she beyond her sexual being?
What drives her? I want to know her and care about her. PsiKoTicK 
tried through expression from her perspective, but it wasn't 
enough -- at least for me. But the sex is interesting enough,
and maybe that's all that was intended.

Technical       :    6
Eros            :    8
Character/Plot  :    6
Crimson         :    5

------------------------------------------------------------------------
Eros in Love - Oke (M/F, rom, dialogue involving rape) 

http://assm.asstr-mirror.org/Year2002/38004

David, a photographer by trade, attends his accountant's stag party
at a strip club. He's only there for the watered down beer, but
Ashley, a new stripper, finds him, and naked, introduces herself. 
Ashley doesn't look very comfortable in her surroundings, but the 
two of them talk. Turns out David needs a new model, and Ashley 
is sort of willing, apparently needing the money.

Ashley isn't everything she seems. First of all, she's really
named Katherine, and David gets to know her while she models
for him. She's a complex girl, with a past that is painful and
heart-rending. In other words, Katherine/Ashley is a human
being even if she takes her clothes off for a living, and better 
than that, David seems to realise this. We follow David and 
Katherine as they spiral ever so carefully towards each other. 
You'll have to read this to find out what eventually happens, 
but overall, this is a wonderful, touching, romantic, human tale 
with all the elements that make a story -- character, humanity, 
plot. It's all about trust and relationships, and the choices that 
we all make every day. I thoroughly enjoyed every choice that Oke 
made writing this.

The story is very well written. It could use a little clean up,
but don't let this throw you. The story more than makes up for
any minor technical issues. I'll point out a few representative
phrases, mostly for Oke's benefit:

[ "No, you were good...very good{.}" he stammered. ]

This quote problem shows up a little too often to be accidental.
That period inside the quote needs to be a comma if the sentence
is qualified after the quote. I know it seems like a complete
sentence inside the quotes, but nevertheless, a comma is
appropriate here. Check any grammar site.

[ ... but Jake's using it for his wedding next {sunday}, so 
  I'm staying here." ] 

Sunday is a weekday and should be capitalised.

[ ... eyes, the tip of his nose.  {her} hands made their way down to 
  his chest, sliding slowly over his neck and shoulders, and back up 
  his muscular arms.  ]

Sentences always need to be capitalised. While Oke doesn't slip like
this as a norm, I did see it often enough through the story to mention.
This is something really easy to fix that would immeasurably improve 
the writing.

[ cereal into his mouth.  They were eating breakfast now that 
  {katherine} had showered.  She was wearing a pair of running 
  {shortts} that were two sizes too big and a sweatshirt, both 
  borrowed from David. ]

I'm sure they're only typos, but a good proof-read should catch
them next time.

[ "'Eros and Psyche'.  You probably saw it at the apartment.  {Its}
  from a series I did of sculptures at the Louvre in Paris.  {this}
  sculpture is of Eros, the god of love, who revives Psyche, who was 
  put to sleep eternally ... ]

These, again, are only typos, but 'its' should be the contractive
form, and 'this' should be capitalised.

Again, the technical issues are correctable with a little extra
time proofing, and they don't really distract from a wonderful
story. The character is wonderful, the plot is beautiful, the
eros anticipatory and tender. This is truly worth reading.

Technical       :    8
Eros            :   10
Character/Plot  :   10
Crimson         :   10

-- 
Pursuant to the Berne Convention, this work is copyright with all rights
reserved by its author unless explicitly indicated.
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