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Message-ID: <37853asstr$1029309004@assm.asstr-mirror.org>
From: Crimson Dragon <dcrimsonp@nym.alias.net>
Subject: {ASSM} {REVIEW} {Reviews} Crimson Reviews - #5 - 13-Aug-2002
Date: Wed, 14 Aug 2002 03:10:04 -0400
Path: assm.asstr-mirror.org!not-for-mail
Approved: <assm@asstr-mirror.org>
Newsgroups: alt.sex.stories.moderated,alt.sex.stories,alt.sex.stories.d
Followup-To: alt.sex.stories.d

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The missives below are merely opinions, publicly stated, but only 
opinions. Dragons may be immortal, but they are not infallible. Read the 
stories for yourself, and form your own opinions. Then, let the author 
know what you thought. Celeste's blowjob principle isn't smoke in the 
wind.

- Crimson Dragon (dcrimson@yahoo.com)

http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/Crimson_Dragon/www
http://members.tripod.com/files/Authors/Dr/wwwagon_Of_Crimson

Review Archives:
http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/Crimson_Reviews/www
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Story Summary:

Do You Trust Me? -- Kelly Adams 
    (FF, rom, light bond)
    [10,10,10,10]

Rising to the Occasion -- smilodon
    (M/F, Rom)
    [10,10,10,10]

Catharsis -- Hammon Wry/E. Howe 
    (MF Dom/Humil Vag Fist Anal Safe)
    [10,10,10,10]

A Letter to My Wife -- Dr. Blue 
    (MF rom oral no-sex)
    [9,9,8,7]

Nancy -- Rick Waites 
    (MMF, exh)
    [6,7,4,5]

Unplugged -- Gary Jordan 
    (FF rom Flash [220 words])
    [10,10,10,10]

Wife's Best Friend <*> -- Irate Fett
    (MF,cons,cheat,oral)
    [5,7,3,6]

Testing the Blade -- artie 
    (FF, Caution)
    [9,7,9,8]

Island -- Souvie 
    (poem)
    [10,10,n/a,10]

Good Morning -- Holly 
    (MF rom)
    [8,10,9,8]

Reviews:

------------------------------------------------------------------------
Do You Trust Me? -- Kelly Adams (FF, rom, light bond)

http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/Kelly/www/doyoutrustme.txt
http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/Kelly/www/

After eight years, sometimes we hit bumps in our relationships.
Kelly and Gretchen find their love life going stale, and Gretchen,
the minx, determines the best way to spice things up -- new
toys and a new direction, interspersed with a touch of anticipation.

While there is bondage involved, it is very light and sane.
A nice break from the harsher, pain driven style that is so
prevalent on the newsgroups. This approach works really nicely
here, and I like to see the sane and loving descriptions
portrayed by Kelly.

I like Kelly's stories because they show trust and love, and
that touch of teasing leading to anticipation and finally
satisfaction. While not all erotica can benefit from this
approach, Kelly's stories certainly do.

Technical       :   10
Eros            :   10
Character/Plot  :   10
Crimson         :   10


------------------------------------------------------------------------
Rising to the Occasion -- smilodon (M/F, Rom)

http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/Smilodoings/
  Rising%20to%20the%20Occasion.txt
http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/Smilodoings/

Ben has a problem. A problem that men, well, don't like to talk
about. First there was Chloe. Then Rachel. Then Emma. Then
Sarah. And with each, eventually, Ben's, er, performance failed.

Now, Ben is reasonably healthy, no physical reason for his lack
of sexual prowess. Gay? Unlikely. And so, off Ben goes to the
local head shrinker, nervous, and a tad uncomfortable. Worse,
Jane, the bespectacled psychologist isn't exactly the old Freudian 
image that Ben was expecting. 

Jane makes progress, but you'll have to read the story to figure
out how.

This story is excellent, a love story, intermixed with passionate
sex, and a sensitive plot. Smilodon provides a wonderful story
here (though I have no idea why it's in there twice ...). Go read 
it.

Technical       :   10
Eros            :   10
Character/Plot  :   10
Crimson         :   10

------------------------------------------------------------------------
Catharsis -- Hammon Wry/E. Howe (MF Dom/Humil Vag Fist Anal Safe)

http://members.cox.net/ehowe/catharsis.html
http://members.cox.net/ehowe/DBIndex.html

Dr. John Carter. Are you sure we aren't talking ER? Nevermind.

Doctor Carter and Sergeant Totten are in bed, but something 
didn't happen quite correctly. She is seething, unsatisfied,
angry. Cigarette angry. And he seems to mock her, teasing her,
goading her. She erupts, and they fall into an animalistic
ritual, that almost guarantees arousal by the end.

I'm not sure why this piece works, but it does. There is anger,
and rage, and violence, and all sorts of otherwise nasty things
happening in the story, but Hammon manages to present them in
such a way that it is believable, and arousing, and safe.

It may not be for everyone, but I have to say that given the themes,
it surprised me. It's raw. It's realistic. It's passionate. And
it's very well written.

Technical       :   10
Eros            :   10
Character/Plot  :   10
Crimson         :   10

------------------------------------------------------------------------
 A Letter to My Wife -- Dr. Blue (MF rom oral no-sex)

http://assm.asstr-mirror.org/Year2002/37742

Sam's wife is out of town -- actually, more out of the country --
for a long time. Sam and his wife seem to have an understanding.
With her consent, Sam can fool around a little. Well, this is
the letter to her that describes one of his encounters.

Late one night, along the highway, someone steps out into his
path, waving their arms. Sam, the Good Samaritan that he is,
stops and offers to help. Turns out, the stranded motorist was
named "Destiny" (no jokes, please), and Sam pulls his Good Samaritan
routine in more ways than one.

The story is written partially in second person. Sam is writing to
a far away wife. Personally, I can't stand the style -- it generally
doesn't work in erotic stories. I'm not his wife, I've never given him
a blowjob, and I don't necessarily understand why he's telling me this. 
As a third person, it would have worked better -- it gives the reader 
that distance that allows for better understanding away from personal 
touches that we've never experienced and never will. Second person works
far better in things like reviews, because I actually am talking to you, 
as the reader. I don't make assumptions that you've ever bestowed the
gift of sex upon me in the past. However, to be fair, the use of
the distant 'you', is minimal in this piece, and it doesn't impact the 
story all that much.

Dr. Blue does seem to make some effort at outlining a plot,
however simple, and gives the characters life. If it weren't for
that second person mode ...

Technical       :    9
Eros            :    9
Character/Plot  :    8
Crimson         :    7

------------------------------------------------------------------------
Nancy -- Rick Waites (MMF, exh)

http://assm.asstr-mirror.org/Year2002/37742

Remember two weeks ago, I mentioned the "Tiffany" paragraph? For
those that missed it, it's when a story begins with a blatant
description of the female character in a story. She invariably
is gorgeous (to the narrator), has a perfect body, perfect
hair, perfect breasts, perfect ass. Sometimes we even get her
measurements -- 36-24-36. Exhausting detail of her height (5' 10'),
her weight (100 pounds), her breast size (only a handful, but that's
enough). You get the picture. Nearly without fail, this is an 
indication that the author lacks the skill to provide the physical 
attributes in a more subtle way, if indeed they are even important 
to the story. Worse, if the reader doesn't like Nancy's boyish
build, the story may be completely wasted. Sometimes, it's nice
to have left something to the reader's imagination.

"Nancy", is no exception to the "Tiffany" paragraph rule.

Nancy used to date Pierre, and now merely lives with him and
his new girlfriend, Mary. Rick, I think, is a friend of Pierre's.
Confused yet?

One day, while Rick talks to Pierre in Pierre's kitchen, Nancy 
appears, freshly showered, wearing sandals and a towel around her 
hair, and nothing else. Apparently, this is normal modus operandi for 
the household. Mary, too, sometimes walks around in the buff,
though Mary never does make an appearance.

Rick is a little surprised at Nancy's unabashed nudity, but it's 
no big deal for Nancy. We get a little belated background on Rick 
and Nancy's history, but it almost seems like it was thrown in to
provide a sex scene. Plot-wise, it doesn't really fit in, or indeed
even make much sense. The ultimate result of Nancy's exhibitionistic 
tendencies in the kitchen isn't overboard, but it failed to capture 
my attention. Honestly, I suppose the lack of character made me a 
little dispassionate about what Nancy and the two boys get up to.

I had a difficult time following the story because of the
style of writing, and to be honest, it seems to be only an
exhibitionistic foray into a stroke story. There really isn't
any plot or character here -- the author seems to be writing
out exhibitionistic images as he fantasises them, without real 
thought to connections or meaning or even coherency. That's fair 
enough -- I'm sure it works as a pure stroke story -- but that's 
not what I review for here. I look for more than that, and Rick 
really needs to give the story more life before I can score this 
any higher. Technically, the story needs clean up. Missing commas. 
Misspellings. Verb tense issues. Dropped quotes. Awkward sentences.

Nevertheless, for you exhibitionist fans, who don't mind the
lack of meaningful story and are in it for the stroke, this might 
work fine for you. I suspect that is as Rick intended.

Technical       :    6
Eros            :    7
Character/Plot  :    4
Crimson         :    5

------------------------------------------------------------------------
Unplugged -- Gary Jordan (FF rom Flash [220 words])

http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/gary/www/Stories/GJ_Unplugged.htm
http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/gary/www/

Wow. At first, I thought that I would have to leave this one,
give Gary my thoughts privately. It didn't seem fair to score
a piece of this nature, inevitably the tiny vocabulary and
length impeding any meaning or character. I certainly couldn't 
write within these limits.

Gary does. I'm amazed. Yes, the structure of the story is
obviously limited by the rules of the contest, and the vocabulary
limits expression. Gary deftly ignores all of these encumbrances
and writes a story that is meaningful, and character rich. The
erotic content is a different kind of Eros, but it is there.
Pumping hydraulics, despite what most think, is certainly not the
only flavour of Eros that everyone looks for. 

I suppose I should give you a short synopsis. Sammy is reflecting
on a past life. Since the death of her husband, her life has changed, 
and we get pulled along, seeing her pain, her reaction to it, and how 
it all turns out in the end. This story is full of symbolism, emotion, 
and life, but you'll have to read it to fully understand what I'm talking
about. If you're surprised that this much can fit into a flash story,
you aren't alone.

So short, and yet so long.

I'm amazed. Enjoy it.

Technical       :   10
Eros            :   10
Character/Plot  :   10
Crimson         :   10

------------------------------------------------------------------------
Wife's Best Friend <*> -- Irate Fett (MF,cons,cheat,oral)

http://groups.google.com/groups?selm=37826asstr%241029103809%40
  assm.asstr-mirror.org&oe=UTF-8&output=gplain

Our illustrious narrator is married to Roxanne; he's her third husband.
Roxanne and Julie are best friends, and occasionally, Roxanne and
her husband either stay at Julie's house, or have Julie stay at
theirs. One night, our narrator discovers Julie sleeping on the
couch, but with her nightwear T-shirt pulled up to reveal lovely
legs. He lets his manhood out, and while they don't do anything
that night, it sets the stage for more. Later that month, Julie's
on the couch again, and after Roxanne spurns our narrator, he wakes 
Julie up getting a glass of water. Then the games begin.

There is some character revealed here. While Julie and Roxanne
have apparently swapped past husbands before, Julie seems a
little reluctant to cheat on her friend. She eventually does, but 
she perhaps shows the most character of the bunch of them in her
quiet denials, even if she's taken by the moment regardless.
Roxanne doesn't really figure in the story, and I don't really
get much of a sense of the narrator beyond, perhaps, typical
male urges. He shows little character beyond being the male
presence in the story. The plot of the story is pretty thin. Guy 
discovers attractive girl on couch, wants her, contrives to get her,
gets her. End of story.

While I'm not expecting huge amounts of depth here, I do wonder
what our narrator feels about cheating. Does he feel anything?
Does he worry that Roxanne will hate him? Divorce him? What are
Julie's underlying motivations? Does he love his wife? Why,
beyond a temporarily spurned sexual encounter, is he truly
interested in Julie? Is it only unbridled lust? Does he
feel anything for Roxanne or Julie beyond as sexual objects? Etc. 
While these things aren't strictly necessarily in a piece of
erotica, they occurred to me as I read the piece, and I was left 
hanging. Where's the humanity of it? Sexual impulse is but one 
limited aspect of our being.

Technically, Irate needs to watch a few things. Honestly, I
found the language in the story a little distracting.

[ I made my way out to the living room where the only source of 
  heat was{,} an old wood burning heater. ]

There isn't any need for the comma after 'was'. In fact, I can't
see any reason for it to be there at all.
  
[ As I walked past the couch{,} I glanced over to where Julie 
  lay sleeping. ]

In introductory adverbial phrases of any length, one needs a
comma (marked in braces).

[ Roxanne once told me that Julie -(TM)s husband had 
  come in about 30 seconds then got up to go smoke while she 
  {lied} there and listened to her husband fuck Julie for about 
  a half hour. ]

Ignoring the odd format for apostrophes, I think we need to
discuss the verb 'to lie'. If we are talking about someone
telling a falsehood, then the correct past tense is: 'lied'.
She lied about how many women with whom she'd slept in the last 
week. However, if we are talking about placing ourselves in a 
horizontal position, then the past tense becomes: 'lay'. She lay 
on the bed waiting for her fifth man to appear. We get into even 
more fun with past participles, but we'll leave that for another 
story. You might note that Irate managed to get it correct in the
second example above. Nevertheless, these types of mistakes
pervade the story, and they are unfortunately distracting.

Another word about "Tiffany" paragraphs. They don't necessarily
only appear at the beginning of a story. They are worse in the 
beginning, but any paragraph that exists only to give us female 
measurements and body size/type/black girl ass proportions is usually
an indication of far too much concentration on stroke elements. We, as 
serious readers, don't necessarily need this. One has to ask oneself
if these types of paragraphs truly add anything to the story before
inserting them. We, as human beings, have imaginations. This type of 
presentation isn't incorrect per se, but it diminishes the impact of 
providing this information in a more gentle and subtle manner, if it
even if important to do so for the story. In this case, he's
describing his wife, Roxanne, who isn't even in the story. It wasn't
necessary, especially here, or at least I don't think it was.
But then, I'm not the author, either.

Overall, the story needs some further attention to character
and plot, and certainly some clean up technically, but it does
show promise. Irate is trying to provide something a little
beyond a typical stroke story here, and shows a willingness to
accept critiques in order to improve. This story almost seems 
realistic enough despite its problems. I would encourage Irate to 
clean up some of the details, and his next story should be an
improvement.

Technical       :    5
Eros            :    7
Character/Plot  :    4
Crimson         :    6

------------------------------------------------------------------------
Testing the Blade -- artie (FF, Caution)

http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/artie/www/blade.html
http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/artie/www/

This is an unusual story. Major Mary is setting up for her next
assignment, working in unfamiliar territory with unfamiliar
people -- and she's not even allowed to use her own rifle. Precision 
is everything, and this story does a nice job of presenting the 
training of a military operative. Guns, and their use, maintenance, 
and uniqueness make up a large part of the story.

Mary also misses her female partner, Ruty, all through the 
training, her usual spotter/partner unable to come on this 
particular mission. She misses Ruty's warmth, and her presence.

Overall, the story was well told, though a little difficult to
follow. It reads like a part of a larger story, and we are
expected to understand most of the military jargon, and
situation. In all honesty, artie does do a decent job -- I
was able to figure out what was happening without military training. 
Where I lost it a little was finding the real connection between 
Mary's remembrances of Ruty with the story at large. I think the 
story could have stood fine without Ruty even being mentioned, Ruty 
almost seems like an afterthought to force the story into an erotic 
foothold. Of course, with the absence of Ruty entirely, the story 
wouldn't have been all that erotic, for this group, but overall, 
it wasn't anyway. Don't get the idea that I absolutely require 
classic erotica in a story; by now, you all must know that I 
see all different kinds of erotica, not only the pump and grind 
style. This story has Eros, but I simply failed to see the 
connections to the larger story. It almost read like a letter to 
Ruty, meant more for her benefit than mine. Perhaps that's exactly 
what it was ...

Technical       :    9
Eros            :    7
Character/Plot  :    9
Crimson         :    8

------------------------------------------------------------------------
Island -- Souvie (poem)

http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/Souvie/www/island2.html
http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/Souvie/www/

Souvie presents us with a wonderful metaphor, her body as an
island. The language is lyrical, and evocative. Normally, as
I've said before, I don't review poems. They are too subjective 
and don't fit into the story rating schemes I use, but part of 
the reason for reviews is to give authors feedback, as well as 
readers guidance. I liked the poem. Souvie's style is remarkable, 
and the poem meaningful and erotic. So, here I break my own rules 
again.

Technical       :   10
Eros            :   10
Character/Plot  :  n/a
Crimson         :   10

------------------------------------------------------------------------
Good Morning -- Holly (MF rom)

http://assm.asstr-mirror.org/Year2002/37827
http://assm.asstr-mirror.org/cgi-bin/field_search.cgi?search=
  hollyh10%40flash.net&index=email&submit=Search

This story presents an anonymous couple waking up, and discovering 
that morning sex can be very romantic. He touches her gently to
wake her, and she reciprocates, both satisfied by the end. It's really 
a romantic short tale.

Overall, there isn't much plot here, though the character makes
up for it. It's a short piece, so perhaps we don't need more than
the romantic imagery, and how the two of them feel.

 From a technical standpoint, Holly writes a nice tale. Last time
I reviewed a Holly story, I pointed out that she tends to mix
and match her pause identifies. I still feel that Holly overuses
them, but she's improved that element of her storytelling.
There are fewer of the explicit pauses, and she's mostly picked
a style of dashes.

Holly switches back and forth between the male and female perspectives.
I really don't know what the bottom line on this style is. It has
some advantages: the reader gets to experience the interlude from
both sexes, and gets to understand the feelings of both parties.
On the other hand, I find it distracting sometimes having to
reread to determine who I'm supposed to be feeling, and/or being
felt by. I think I prefer a somewhat stable viewpoint, and definitive
breaks when characters shift. But that could just be me. I've
seen such switches regularly in professionally published books, too.

Technically, Holly writes a nice story. I saw a couple of issues:

[ This was the first time that they had spent together that he 
  {can} remember her actually being still and quiet next to him.  Yet 
  she still gripped her pillow in stubborn defiance. ]

Tense problems. When the story is in past tense, that 'can' reads
awkwardly. Should have been 'could', but since this is the only
example I saw, I suspect it was only a typo.

[ He groaned lowly as her mouth sank down him. ]

I've always read 'lowly' as meaning: insignificant, or small.
However, I checked my dictionary, and it does, indeed, also mean
'not loudly'. So, while I think it is awkward, apparently, it
is also correct. We learn something new every day ...

Anyway, this is a fun romantic morning romp, full of sensuality
and character. Enjoy it.

Technical       :    8
Eros            :   10
Character/Plot  :    9
Crimson         :    8

-- 
Pursuant to the Berne Convention, this work is copyright with all rights
reserved by its author unless explicitly indicated.
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