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Message-ID: <37741asstr$1028754602@assm.asstr-mirror.org>
From: Peaches and Cream <peachescreamreviews@yahoo.com>
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Subject: {ASSM} {REVIEW} Peaches and Cream #7
Date: Wed,  7 Aug 2002 17:10:02 -0400
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Newsgroups: alt.sex.stories.moderated,alt.sex.stories,alt.sex.stories.d
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Hi! We're Peaches & Cream. We're just two ordinary Joes who like
reading and romance. Recently, there was a Summer Solstice Romance
Festival on ASSM, and it caught our attention. We started discussing
the stories and our reviews were born. Our format is simple: one of us
starts the review, the other chimes in, and then the starter finishes
it off. Because this is all about romance, we'll be scoring with 0-5
kisses. We'll be posting a review a day until we finish the stories
that were submitted, beginning with the Flash stories.

There is a website devoted to the festival where you can find all the
stories we will review. 

http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/Rui_Favorites/www/RomFest


Peaches & Cream Reviews # 7

Romance, like the rabbit at the dog track, is the elusive, fake, and
never attained reward which, for the benefit and amusement of our
masters, keeps us running and thinking in safe circles.
--Beverly Jones (b. 1927), U.S. feminist writer

***

The Storm By Dryad
(MF, rom)
http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/Dryad/www/storm.html


***

Cream:

The storm itself is a strong force in this story, but it never quite
becomes a character, try though it might. It's on the verge; and if in
the end that connection doesn't quite come off, at least not to my
full satisfaction, at least this story does a better job of making the
storm more than just a "prop" than that highly touted movie of a few
years ago, "The Perfect Storm."  

The writing is a bit immature and unpolished.  The images and action
are clear enough, and I like the images and action, but a more
skillful delivery would probably increase my reading pleasure.  This
passage illustrates both issues: character and 
polish:

>Will entered her body just as a lightening 
>strike hit a tree on the edge of the large 
>field. The strike shook the ground, 
>energized the air all around them. Fear 
>could not overtake their passion. Dora 
>thrust herself against Will, pressing him 
>deeper and deeper into her, close to her own 
>completion. She shrieked into the storm, her 
>body as tempestuous as the elements. Will 
>leaned low, and began kissing her wildly, 
>teasing her tongue as his shaft teased her 
>center. Moaning frantically, closing in on 
>exploding herself, she squirmed beneath him, 
>begging for release. He answered in kind, 
>pounding his body against hers, moaning in 
>pleasure as he exploded inside her.
   
To a degree the raw writing may actually be a benefit--it suggests
chaos and power without obliterating clarity. Clean it up in the wrong
way and it might tame the freshness and vitality.   What do you think,
Peaches? Not quite three kisses.

***

Peaches:

I like the idea of this story a lot. There's something sizzling about
chasing a storm to a field and then having sex beneath it. Nature's
power versus man's power. But I have to agree with you Cream. I'm not
quite satisfied with how it's told. The rain is lukewarm and cold and
cool all within a short few minutes. Body parts do things they don't
normally do:

"Dora's fingernails bit into Will's back. Her body undulated against
his, begging him to stop teasing."

And a little too much over explaining, "Dora squirmed out of her wet
cut-offs, yanking at Will's own shirt. He gratefully ditched it,
breaking all speed records in undressing."

Of course you may be right, Cream. The sort of frenetic telling may
just mirror the storm, wild and out of control. And the ending line is
a very nice moment, "...his own exciting Storm..."

Still, I give it 2.5 kisses

***

Cream:

I'm glad you mentioned sizzle, Peaches. Besides some clean up, a
little more sizzle might help this story a lot. When lightning strikes
that tree, for example, some faster shorter way of saying it might
work wonders. Maybe a series of sharp exact sentences is the way to
go: 

    Will's cock pierced Dora's cunt. In the same instant, 
    lightning splattered the oak at the edge of the meadow. 
    The ground shook. The air sizzled.

***

Peaches: 2.5 kisses
Cream: Not quite 3 kisses

-- 
Pursuant to the Berne Convention, this work is copyright with all rights
reserved by its author unless explicitly indicated.
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