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Message-ID: <37733asstr$1028697004@assm.asstr-mirror.org>
From: Crimson Dragon <dcrimsonp@nym.alias.net>
Subject: {ASSM} {REVIEW} {Reviews} Crimson Reviews - #4 - 06-Aug-2002
Date: Wed,  7 Aug 2002 01:10:04 -0400
Path: assm.asstr-mirror.org!not-for-mail
Approved: <assm@asstr-mirror.org>
Newsgroups: alt.sex.stories.moderated,alt.sex.stories,alt.sex.stories.d
Followup-To: alt.sex.stories.d

Rui Jorge came to my rescue, and I have to thank him here.
Rui is responsible for the link enhancements this week --
Rui surfed out and tracked down the web addresses for all the 
stories listed here; though his list was complete, I chose not
to use them all. Thanks, Rui.

Nicholas requested that I might want to think about setting up
an archive of the Crimson Reviews. I'm honoured that people seem
to be enjoying them, and while it took some work to create the
website, Rey kindly agreed to set up a secondary address to house 
them. It's still rough, and under construction, but the preliminary 
site should be up and running with the last few reviews.

http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/Crimson_Reviews/www

------------------------------------------------------------------------
The missives below are merely opinions, publicly stated, but only 
opinions. Dragons may be immortal, but they are not infallible. Read the 
stories for yourself, and form your own opinions. Then, let the author 
know what you thought. Celeste's blowjob principle isn't smoke in the 
wind.

- Crimson Dragon (dcrimson@yahoo.com)

http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/Crimson_Dragon/www
http://members.tripod.com/files/Authors/Dr/wwwagon_Of_Crimson

Review Archives:
http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/Crimson_Reviews/www
------------------------------------------------------------------------

Story Summary:

The Girl with the Goodbye Eyes -- Erin Halfelven
    (lovers interlude)
    [10,10,10,10]

The Enema -- Laura Lynn Davis
    (F/f, F/F, ds, enema)
    [7,8,5,5]

Unspoken Thoughts -- Hammon Wry/E. Crowe 
    (M/F,medical,anal,vag,mast.)
    [9,9,10,10]

First sex, first philosophy -- Carol
    (philosophical/sexual/biographical essay)
    [10,10,10,10]

A Wild Night -- PD from SSG 
    (MF, light bondage, spank, anal)
    [4,6,5,4]

Koochy -- Bradley Stoke
    (FF)
    [10,10,10,10]

Windmill Saga -- Robert Brennan/Uther Pendragon 
    (MF cons)
    [10,10,10,10]

Bird Watching in French Lick -- Mat Twassel 
    (MF)
    [10,10,10,10]

A Little Different, Indeed -- Holly 
    (MF, rom)
    [6,9,7,7]

Maid Elizabeth -- smilodon 
    (M/F, Rom, First)
    [9,10,10,10]

Abyss and Amuck and a Really Good Fuck -- Desdmona 
    (220 word poetry)
    [10,10,n/a,9]

The Visit -- S. Tygert 
    (MF, cons, bondage, FDom, mild anal)
    [9,9,7,7]

A Word for Annie's Fuck Hole -- Mat Twassel 
    (MF)
    [10,10,10,10]

Reviews:

------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Girl with the Goodbye Eyes {Erin Halfelven} (lovers interlude)

http://assm.asstr-mirror.org/Year2002/37596

We all know the lovers with the eyes that say goodbye, even while
their lips whisper everything we desperately want to hear. Erin
touches on that in this short story, the emotional impact reaching
up and grabbing.

I didn't see any technical issues, Erin's revisions seem to have
caught any problems in the prose. The sex is wonderful and subtle,
but this isn't about the sex. Not really.

It's not the happiest story in the world, but sometimes we have
to enjoy what we can. And this story is very much like that.


Technical       :   10
Eros            :   10
Character/Plot  :   10
Crimson         :   10

------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Enema -- Laura Lynn Davis (F/f, F/F, ds, enema)

http://assm.asstr-mirror.org/Year2002/37613

Enema stories are definitely not my cup of tea. Why then did I
review this story? I picked it up for the FF codes, and I read 
it, debated not publicly reviewing it, but ultimately decided that 
it couldn't hurt to review it anyway.

Stacy's high school teacher, Ms. Li, is the black sheep of
her family. Apparently, there isn't a great deal of tolerance
for butch, lesbian, dominatrices in the Chinese culture. Go
figure. Anyway, Rachel, Stacy's mother, attends a parent teacher 
interview, and we take off from there. Rachel ends up with a few 
surprises as she admits her latent attraction towards women after 
the meeting.

This is more a stroke story than anything else, with some
fetish thrown in for good measure. Aside from the dominance/
submission/humiliation/slavery aspects, we get some details on a 
certain medical procedure that involves soapy water and some 
discomfort.

Laura doesn't do a terrible job of presenting this, though
she makes more than a few technical errors along the way.
Don't expect much in the way of character, and the plot is
pretty thin, though at least there is an attempt at one.

No, this story is about the sex, and that's where it seems
to fit in, even if we as readers don't really have a clue what
is driving the women of the story. Not my cup of tea, but more 
because of the lack of character than the medical procedures.
Then again, I don't like tea anyway.

Technical       :    7
Eros            :    8
Character/Plot  :    5
Crimson         :    5

------------------------------------------------------------------------
Unspoken Thoughts -- Hammon Wry/E. Crowe (M/F,medical,anal,vag,mast.)

http://assm.asstr-mirror.org/Year2002/37609

The prelude to "Quality and Quantity." Hammon takes us into the
examining room, where Dr. Carter (apparently not from ER ...),
has a little fun with female Sergeant Totten. Each of them falls
victim to unspoken thoughts, and the exam turns out to be
more exotic than one might assume at first brush. There is
wonderful anticipation, and teasing, and presentation in
this story. It ties in nicely to Hammon's earlier story,
but one doesn't need to read it to understand this one.
Or vice versa.

[ He with drew both fingers, and had the nurse ... ]

Just a typo here. Hammon knows how to spell 'withdrew', she
uses it throughout the story correctly, except here.

[... felt it swell upward, and then dipped again. Two more dips, 
 two more circles, and she came, silently, her mouth clamped shut 
 so {the} he would not hear in the next room. ]

Again, only a typo. I don't know if Hammon meant 'the' (in braces) 
to be 'that' or if it was merely left over from an earlier draft.

Don't worry about the technical aspects of this, though. It's
probably only because I look for them, that I even see them.
At least in Hammon's case.

Overall, thought provoking, and I thoroughly enjoyed it.

Technical       :    9
Eros            :    9
Character/Plot  :   10
Crimson         :   10


------------------------------------------------------------------------
First sex, first philosophy -- Carol (philosophical/sexual/bio essay)

http://assm.asstr-mirror.org/Year2002/37616

I already know that I'm going to have trouble with this. Carol
intrigues me. This 'story' is really a socio-secular-philosophical-
biographical essay outlining Carol's early life -- her introduction
to sex, to politics, to religion, to life.

And strangely enough, it works. It isn't a story in a classic
sense of the word. We honestly believe that Carol is writing from
direct experience, ranging from political dissertations, to
living in communes and her first introductions to sexual conduct
and exploration. It's very near a confessional, and for all I
know it actually is. If you read it, you'll understand.

This piece is incredibly well done, and the scores are going to 
reflect that. I almost don't want to score it, because
it really isn't a story. I wasn't expecting this. At all. 

However, be warned ... this won't be for everyone. The sex is almost 
clinical, certainly not gratuitous, and involves underaged participants, 
this is about her early life, but there is far more to this than the 
sex. Far more. In fact, in the author's own words:

[ This has been, Dear Reader, not just a biographical account of early sex
  experiences but a political manifesto as well. ]

She's right, and her words are incredibly compelling. Whoever she
is, and whether this is a true accounting of her life or not, Carol 
is an intriguing human being.

And I haven't really told you anything, have I?

I knew that I was going to have trouble with this.

Technical       :   10
Eros            :   10
Character/Plot  :   10
Crimson         :   10


------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Wild Night -- PD from SSG (MF, light bondage, spank, anal)

http://assm.asstr-mirror.org/Year2002/37628

This is the first story posted by PD from SSG 
(er, soc.sexuality.general?). He claims to be a little 
rusty, not having posted or written anything in a while. I'll 
try to be gentle.

Sally comes home from a hard day of shopping to a little surprise.
Steve, her husband of twenty-odd years, decides to have some fun
with her. They've never explored like this before, and Sally is
a little nervous, and confused by everything. He blindfolds her,
and ties her to the dining room table, suddenly projecting a more 
dominant image. She finds she enjoys his treatments, and away we go.

While this is obviously meant as a stroke story, PD does show
some promise, at least attempting to interject character and
plot into the story. We see some of Sally's feelings about
the situation, and some background on the household. Truthfully,
I was still left confused about her; telling me directly what
is going on is far less effective than showing me in more subtle
ways. Nevertheless, there was effort here, and I have to acknowledge 
that.

PD tends to switch perspectives without warning. While I know
why he did it, it is confusing here, and unnecessary. When most
of the story is told from Sally's viewpoint, we don't need to
jump into Steve or omnipotent view to see his hairy chest.
She's blindfolded. She can't see Steve, and doesn't need to.
The switches don't add much to the story, if anything.

Technically, PD is rusty, as claimed. There isn't any way to sugar 
coat it. The story needs to be proofed, and edited. Even self-editing
would help. I'll point out a few obvious errors here, mostly as 
illustrative problems. Unfortunately, every time one of these kicks 
in, I was jarred out of the story. It distracts, and really needs to 
be cleaned up. Unfortunately, these are only a small sample:

[ "Just a little further" Steve said, as he continued to push gently
  on her hips. ]

Quotation commas. The comma after 'further' inside the quotes is
not optional.

[ She could not see, that Steve had bent down, and was fiddling with
  something just underneath the table, where Sally was standing. ]

Too many commas. We don't need the one preceding 'that'.

As a side note, the author relies heavily on the word 'just'.
He might want to consider finding alternate vocabulary to
portray the concepts of 'slightly' or 'marginally'.

[ "Thats it my girl, you're in trouble now!" Steve said. ]

Contraction problems. 'That is' is not contracted as 'Thats'.
On the bright side, "you're" is correct.

[ She bared down on it and Steve's hand slightly, to increase the 
  sensations. ]

And my favourite pet peeve. To bare (and I love the word when it's
used properly), means to become naked, or unclothed, or nude, or 
exposed, amongst other things. All sorts of wonderful things. It 
does not mean to exert full strength or concentration upon -- that 
should be 'to bear down on'. Worse, the past tense of 'bear' is not 
even 'beared'. She bore down on it. See what pet peeves do?

However, PD does seem to understand the issue -- I did notice
correct usage of 'to bear' later in the story. Perhaps it was merely 
a typo while caught up in the heat of the moment?

Anyway, this seems to be a decent effort, we all start somewhere,
but needs some cleanup and editing before the scores will rise.

Technical       :    4
Eros            :    6
Character/Plot  :    5
Crimson         :    4


------------------------------------------------------------------------
Koochy -- Bradley Stoke (FF)

http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/Bradley_Stoke/05%20Koochy.txt
http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/Bradley_Stoke/www/
Author's FTP archive (is more up-to-date than his web site)
http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/Bradley_Stoke/

Sex. Drugs. And rock and roll -- er -- house music. Bradley follows
Janine and Edie, two friends, into a North London house party where
the drugs flow freely, the music pounds heavy, and the scent of
sex is in the air.

Janine loses Edie temporarily while dancing in a rhythmic fog, 
then finds Edie holed up with an anonymous guy. Shocked and hurt, 
Janine begins wandering, and finds Molly, a shaven-headed, pierced 
occupant of the house, where she finds solace, and maybe revenge, or 
maybe something else.

I honestly didn't think I'd like this story. It's only me -- some
weird aversion to heavy drugs and heavy house music. I know. I know. 
I'm reviewing sex stories, right? Focus. The London/French slang is 
daunting, and sometimes tough to follow for those not into the scene.

But you know what? 

It doesn't matter.

This is a glimpse into a different world, at least for me. Bradley 
brings it alive, and the girls, the party, the atmosphere comes to 
life for the reader in a way that I honestly didn't think would be 
possible for me. In that, I have to admire what Bradley has done here.

The sex is hot -- definitely more than stroke fiction. The characters
and the plot are all in place. I didn't see a single technical
flaw.

Bradley surprised me with this. This is an excellent tale, and
even with my prejudices, or perhaps because of them, I have
to say that overall, I really liked this story.


Technical       :   10
Eros            :   10
Character/Plot  :   10
Crimson         :   10


------------------------------------------------------------------------
Windmill Saga -- Robert Brennan/Uther Pendragon (MF cons)

http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/Uther_Pendragon/www/story/windmill.htm
http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/Uther_Pendragon/www/

An empty bed. She rises to find him asleep at the keyboard,
the report due in the morning. A kiss wakes him. She helps him 
forget the pressures, and they sleep. But sometimes the best of 
intentions ...

I think, perhaps, this may have originally been a Dulcinea
tribute. And a fine one it would be, too.

Robert flashes us into their world nicely for a short time,
the sex close and passionate, the love clear without being
overbearing.

Technical       :   10
Eros            :   10
Character/Plot  :   10
Crimson         :   10

------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bird Watching in French Lick -- Mat Twassel (MF)

http://assm.asstr-mirror.org/Year2002/37661

Rick and Annie both work. A lot. Annie's father, one night,
amongst old records, old books, and a wonderful dinner, suggests
that the couple renew themselves, a second honeymoon perhaps,
at a condo in Larry Bird's old hometown -- French Lick.

And so, despite Rick's gruelling schedule, Annie and Rick end up
in French Lick, and Annie finds things to do. They simply might not
be entirely what you expect.

The pace of the story is wonderfully sedate, and we get to know
Annie intimately. The intriguing part of this story is the details:
the inner workings of Annie, and the world surrounding her. The wasps 
in the locomotive, the taste of the wine, the view from the balcony. 
This piece is sensuous in its very language and presentation, the 
characters rich with subtle eros and settings. This is a very
well crafted story. Enjoy.

Technical       :   10
Eros            :   10
Character/Plot  :   10
Crimson         :   10


------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Little Different, Indeed -- Holly (MF, rom)

http://assm.asstr-mirror.org/Year2002/37685

Corporate parties can be a real bore, can't they? A bunch of
people that you don't know, small talk, and preening before
going out, all for people about whom you don't care in the slightest. 
Ugh. Our unnamed protagonist ends up being rather good at the 
small talk, and in the middle of the party he leads her away. 
She follows her partner upstairs to the bathroom. There, she 
discovers that perhaps office parties can be a little different 
after all.

Holly writes an interesting tale here, though from a technical
standpoint, it needs a little work.

Pauses aren't easy to get into a story, and in this one, Holly
writes as she's thinking. This can work sometimes, but mixing and 
matching pause identifiers can make it tough to follow. She switches 
between multiple ellipses, and multiple dashes, among others. Worse, 
most of the pauses could be accomplished by a simple comma. 
Nevertheless, I understand what she was trying to do, and this is 
really only a recommendation to choose a pause style and stick to 
it in a particular story.

Paragraphs. Paragraphs. Paragraphs.

Dialogue, especially, should be broken up to separate the speakers.
Holly mixes them into single paragraphs, and this makes it difficult
to read. Easily fixed, though:

[ {"}I hate your co-workers, and franky{sic}, I think most of them hate 
  me, too!"  "Maybe this party will be just a little different" he 
  teased, and left her to her primping. ]

This would be far more readable as:

{ "I hate your co-workers, and frankly, I think most of them hate 
  me, too!"
  
  "Maybe this party will be just a little different," he teased, 
  and left her to her primping. }

And finally dialogue punctuation. We need commas inside quotes
for some of the dangling dialogue:

The first line:

[ "God, I hate these things{,}" she said to herself under her breath. ] 

This is a good story by Holly; she's making at least an effort
to include character and plot mixed in with the erotic. It needs
a little technical improvement, perhaps a touch more character and
plot, but certainly worth reading.

Technical       :    6
Eros            :    9
Character/Plot  :    7
Crimson         :    7

------------------------------------------------------------------------
Maid Elizabeth -- smilodon (M/F, Rom, First)

http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/Smilodoings/August%201936.txt
http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/Smilodoings/

August 1936. Smilodan introduces us to Elizabeth, a city girl, 
gangly and only twelve, who meets Jack, a boatyard boy, fixing a 
sailboat during summer vacation. She agrees to help him, and so 
begins a friendship that grows over the following years.

Anyone who knows the times, knows what happens in the following years,
as Britain is pulled into the ever spiralling conflict with a
certain Mr. Hitler. This story captures the times wonderfully,
the angst, the fear, the humanity necessary to survive in such
times. This is a touching story of two young people finding themselves
and finding love. It is more than a sex story; a love story that 
happens to find some sex as a part of it. This is not a bad thing, 
in fact, I think it is a great thing.

I don't want to rate this story for technical, but I find I must.
Truly, the nine below, as for any nine I score, in no way should 
reflect a substandard story; it isn't. I saw a couple of very minor 
errors in the language, but there were so few that I wish I could 
give it a ten. They do not distract -- if anything, the formatting of
the story bothered me more than any technical issues.

For smilodan's benefit (and I didn't see much more than this):

[ Beth proved herself an adept pupil and it seemed
  to Jack that {she} really listened to him when he was explaining 
  something. ]

Er. I think it was only a dropped word, my addition in braces, but 
it jarred me a little.
  
[ At fourteen, he was not used to getting such wrapt attention. ]

It might be a Briticism, but I thought that 'rapt' was a more universal
spelling.

Everyone else, ignore the technical critique. Smilodan is a
very competent writer and this story is certainly worth a look.
Jack and Elizabeth kind of find their way into your hearts.

Technical       :    9
Eros            :   10
Character/Plot  :   10
Crimson         :   10

------------------------------------------------------------------------
Abyss and Amuck and a Really Good Fuck -- Desdmona (220 word poetry)

http://assm.asstr-mirror.org/Year2002/37649
http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/Desdmona/www/

Another entry into Eli's 220 word contest, and Desdmona certainly
fills in under that limit (208 words according to her). 

A whore and her trick
  Get down to the deed
She likes his prick
  And we get a good read.

Desdmona does a far better job of this than I. Sigh.

This short rhyming poem is delightfully entertaining, and doesn't take 
all that much time to read. Enjoy.

Technical       :   10
Eros            :   10
Character/Plot  :  n/a
Crimson         :    9

------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Visit -- S. Tygert (MF, cons, bondage, FDom, mild anal)

http://assm.asstr-mirror.org/Year2002/37647

I hate being woken rudely from dreams of a hot tub filled with seven 
or eight naked women. Our narrator hates it, too, but finds himself in
a rather awkward situation, bound securely to his bed, as he
wakens.

A mysterious presence, which I choose to perceive as female and
probably was, teases our hapless hero, and the erotic games begin.

This is a nice technical effort by S., I only saw a few minor
problems with the text. The sex is graphic and not overdone.

I do wish that S. had coded the story -- while it never is a
requirement -- normally I would not choose a story in which the
male protagonist is bound, at least not as a main story device.
<shrugs> That more impacts the Crimson scores than anything
else. Overall, it is a hot little vignette, mostly stroke, but a
little beyond, and those of you that might like this genre of story, 
shouldn't be dissatisfied.

Technical       :    9
Eros            :    9
Character/Plot  :    7
Crimson         :    7

------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Word for Annie's Fuck Hole -- Mat Twassel (MF)

http://assm.asstr-mirror.org/Year2002/37689

Mat used to date Annie, you see, but she blew him off one day, er, 
turned down another date with him, suggesting Laura her roommate instead. 
Mat and Laura have been happily married for a while, now. Annie has 
broken up with her eventual husband, and she's visiting and healing. 
I wonder if Annie is the same as the Annie in "Bird Watching in French 
Lick"?

And Mat dreams, as only Mat can dream.

To be honest, I wasn't expecting this particular story -- given the 
title. Mat could have taken us into a number of unlikely places, but 
I'll leave you to determine exactly where he *does* take you. This is 
a great story, as Mat always gives us, the details, and the language 
immersing.

Technical       :   10
Eros            :   10
Character/Plot  :   10
Crimson         :   10

-- 
Pursuant to the Berne Convention, this work is copyright with all rights
reserved by its author unless explicitly indicated.
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