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Message-ID: <37496asstr$1027509005@assm.asstr-mirror.org>
From: Crimson Dragon <dcrimsonp@nym.alias.net>
Subject: {ASSM} {REVIEW} {Reviews} Crimson Reviews - #2 - 23-Jul-2002
Date: Wed, 24 Jul 2002 07:10:05 -0400
Path: assm.asstr-mirror.org!not-for-mail
Approved: <assm@asstr-mirror.org>
Newsgroups: alt.sex.stories.moderated,alt.sex.stories,alt.sex.stories.d
Followup-To: alt.sex.stories.d

I think this week, we'll try a different format. It would
be excessive to post all these individually. Besides, I like the
format, and who's taking the time to write these things, anyway?

------------------------------------------------------------------------
The missives below are merely opinions, publicly stated, but only 
opinions. Dragons may be immortal, but they are not infallible. Read the 
stories for yourself, and form your own opinions. Then, let the author 
know what you thought. Celeste's blowjob principle isn't smoke in the 
wind.

- Crimson Dragon (dcrimson@yahoo.com)

http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/Crimson_Dragon/www
http://members.tripod.com/files/Authors/Dr/wwwagon_Of_Crimson
------------------------------------------------------------------------

Story Summary:


Best Served Cold {Night Writer} (MF, cheat) [10,10,10,10]

The Longest Shot {Aquillae} (gooey satire) [8,8,10,10]

Stolen by Illusion {Morgan Preece} (fm, seduction, virgin) [9,9,9,8]

When I was 10 {Sledge Hammer} (remembering past sex) [4,5,3,2]

To Dream {Souvie} (dreamy f-solo) [10,10,10,10]

Driving to the Sampras-Roddick Exhibition Match {Lord Malinov}
  (MFF, hot conversation)          [10,10,10,10]

Marcia's Toy {Norm DePloom} 
  (mf, voy, narcissism, girl solo, boy solo) [6,8,6,6]

Turnabout {Pendragon} (MF, cons, wl, safe) [10,10,10,9]

Betsy After the Fact {Alexis Siefert} (flash, MF) [10,10,10,10]


Reviews:

------------------------------------------------------------------------
Best Served Cold (MF, cheat, cheat?) {Night Writer} 

I almost missed this story in the shuffle. Honestly, cheating
stories normally don't interest me -- ah, but the life of
a reviewer is not an easy one. Usually, cheating stories
tend to be shallow, concentrating only on the fetish -- guy
hiding in the closet, you know the type. Night Writer, instead,
takes us on a journey into the soul, sitting in a bar, sipping
whiskey sours. What might happen if your wife did cheat? Your 
husband? What would you feel like? What lengths might you go to 
in order to sort out your life?

Night Writer's characters come alive, and the sense is frighteningly 
realistic, the story moving along, the pain, the sex, the voyeuristic
appeal undeniable. It's the details -- always the details. Ice
melting in a glass. The subtle dialogue. The waiter. The waitress.
Even if you don't like cheat stories, or perhaps especially if you 
don't like them, this story might just be worth reading.

Technically, I saw so few glitches that I cannot possibly
complain. This story deserves the tens below.

Technical       :   10
Eros            :   10
Character/Plot  :   10
Crimson         :   10


------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Longest Shot (gooey satire) {Aquillae}

The future of humanity lies, literally, in Freddy's hands.
This is the adventure of four friends, Herbert the accountant, 
Amanda the babe, Freddy the exotic dancer, and Johnny the
computer nerd. An unlikely pairing? Wait until you see what
they get up to -- er -- into.

Folks, this story is seriously funny. Aquillae has a real
talent for satire, and while you are trying to figure out
what the hell is happening to these nice naked people, you
will be hurting yourself laughing. If you are looking for 
pumping hydraulics, this might not be for you, but then again, 
maybe it is. 

Technically, the story stands nicely. There are a few errors; I'll 
point out here a couple in the opening passage that are representative.

(Urk, not a good place to put them, Aquillae.)

[ ... The clear, blue-green waters of the warm sea,
  pulled in by the embrace of the moon, rushed in, poring the
  warmth of its foamy water over them, only to slowly draw itself ... ]

Shouldn't that be: '... embrace of the moon, rushed in, {pouring} the
warmth ...' Perhaps, Aquillae meant 'reading studiously or meditating',
but I suspect not.

(By the way, nice imagery, anyway, Aquillae)

[ Into the night their embrace continued. ]

Introductory adverbial phrases. While I honestly think that
Aquillae can get away without the comma here, it reads better with 
it:

Into the night, their embrace continued.

Overall, though, don't take the technical critique too seriously
here. Aquillae's writing is clear and readable, the occasional
slip not detracting in the slightest from the enjoyment of this 
piece.

Go read it.

Technical       :    8
Eros            :    8
Character/Plot  :   10
Crimson         :   10


------------------------------------------------------------------------
Stolen by Illusion (fm seduction virgin) {Morgan Preece}

Ah, nostalgia -- remembering that place and time where we
lose our virginity. Morgan takes us on a ride of twenty-five
years ago, a motel room, an ungainly teen, and a mostly caring
"bridegroom". Overall, a warm story of a first time; we get
a sense of the girl's conflicting memories and emotions.
I liked the title -- very appropriate.

The subject of the post says that this has been revised
since its first offering. I never saw the first post,
so I can't really compare. Technically, Morgan still needs to 
revise a little more. While the technical errors are slight -- 
a few dropped commas mostly on adverbial sentence introductions -- 
they really don't detract too badly from the story overall.

I would have liked to see a little more insight into the narrator's
life, her character, but in a piece as short as this, I can forgive 
a little confusion about why she did some of the things she did.
Perhaps, that's the point.

Technical       :    9
Eros            :    9
Character/Plot  :    9
Crimson         :    8


------------------------------------------------------------------------
When I was 10 (remembering past sex) {Sledge Hammer}

Our heroine gives great head, apparently, and why, you ask?
Because, she managed to do her next door neighbour, her father,
her teachers, her in-laws ... you get the idea. Her throat,
since she's been the tender age of ten years old, is like a 4" 
drainpipe. Come again? Interesting simile.

This had the potential to be a decent story. Give the girl a
real personality, and perhaps a modicum of real emotion
rather than a male fantasy fuelled life, and the story might
be more than what it is. Sledge really doesn't get a handle
on the abuse or even the horror that is presented here, and while 
that may appeal to some, merely visualising what the girl went through, 
it might not appeal to all. Especially without warning. No story codes
on this one, folks. The narrator comes across as exceptionally selfish, 
merely enjoying a 4" drainpipe, the consequences be damned, and
who cares beyond the sexual stimulus how she came to be that way. 
I'm not sure that's what Sledge had in mind when he wrote it. Or 
maybe he did? Such things appeal to some.

Technically, Sledge needs to remember dialogue lessons, amongst
other things:

["Oh, it's okay", she laughed.  "I got mine, in the end".]

The punctuation needs to go inside the quotations. To do otherwise
is jarring, not to mention wildly incorrect. Unfortunately, Sledge 
seems fond of misplacing the commas, question marks, and periods in 
the spoken text. Hell, even quotation marks are a luxury sometimes. 
Really needs to clean that up before the technical scores will rise. 
Unfortunately, it does detract from the reading. Of course, the story 
is lacking in other details (character? plot?), so the technical aspects 
kind of fall by the wayside, anyway. Sex alone, a "story" does not make.

However, for you stroke folks out there, this might be worth a look.

Technical       :    4
Eros            :    5
Character/Plot  :    3
Crimson         :    2


------------------------------------------------------------------------
To Dream (dreamy f-solo) {Souvie}

To sleep, perchance to dream. A girl. A bathtub. Running warm water.
What else do we need?

This is a short piece, written as an exposition of a wonderful
female climax. The sandman cometh <grin>.

Technical       :   10
Eros            :   10
Character/Plot  :   10
Crimson         :   10


------------------------------------------------------------------------
Driving to the Sampras-Roddick Exhibition Match {Lord Malinov}
  (MFF, hot conversation)

A descriptive piece, using almost pure dialogue, gets the
imagination going. One guy, one girl, discuss their exploits 
with Stacey. And such exploits! It's not easy to make the 
reader see everything using only dialogue, but Malinov does a 
superb job with this. 

Technically, this is a very short exposition, and I certainly
didn't see any language issues. Sit back and enjoy the ride.

Technical       :   10
Eros            :   10
Character/Plot  :   10
Crimson         :   10


------------------------------------------------------------------------
Marcia's Toy {Norm DePloom} 
  (mf, voy, narcissism, girl solo, boy solo)

After school, Marcia hides in her bedroom day after day after day,
door locked. What is a younger stepbrother, named Peter,
to do? Find out what she's doing in there all by herself? Of
course. Especially when Gregg, and Bobby, the doofuses (doofusi?)
that they are, don't seem to notice. And, just what is Alice
cooking on that stove? Minute Rice? Ah, but I digress.

The premise is interesting enough, I suppose, from a stroke
viewpoint. The action is clear, and should appeal to those
that like voyeuristic stroke-type fiction. Unfortunately, as with
most fanfic, the author tends to rely on prior recognition of 
the characters to provide the details. Lazy, but normal for this
genre of story.

Technically, Normy needs to review some of his comma rules.
Introductory adverb phrases, most of the time, need commas,
especially when length (more than three words, or run into
the subject of the sentence) is involved:

[ Still watching herself in the mirror{,} Marcia let the vibrator 
  slip from its fleshy sheath ...]

I think this introductory phrase really needs a comma, marked
in braces. Unfortunately, this theme of dropped commas permeates
the text -- not always, but enough. It's distracting.

[ Surprisingly her voice began to take on a boulder, more confident 
  tone now that she was totally naked. ]

Her voice took on a boulder? Seriously? Damn, that's heavy. 

I couldn't resist. Sorry, I digress again. This isn't supposed
to be about simple typos ... ahem.

A comma after the word 'Surprisingly' wouldn't hurt either.

Overall, the story has some potential, at least in the genre wherein
it lives. Unfortunately, I can't say that it particularly appealed to 
me, as written.

Technical       :    6
Eros            :    8
Character/Plot  :    6
Crimson         :    6


------------------------------------------------------------------------
Turnabout (is Fair Play) {Pendragon} (MF, cons, wl, safe)

Chad and Sarah are playing. In bed. What does one do when one
doesn't want to break the mood, doing what is necessary when
one doesn't necessarily want a baby? You do remember the ultimate
reason that nature provided us with this playground, don't you?
Chad and Sarah figure out ways not to break the mood, and I'll
leave you to read and find out how.

Technically, the language is flowing and readable -- not so much
as a dropped comma. The only thing I found disconcerting, I don't 
think it's technically wrong, and Uther may even have done it on 
purpose, was the constant shifting of character POV between Chad and
Sarah. It distracted me a little -- not enough to worry about, but 
enough that it nagged at me. I'm not sure I can even explain it. I 
only mention it because it affected my personal enjoyment of the story 
to a very slight degree, even when everything else was in place -- I 
guess I like to see more definitive breaks when POV changes. However, 
I understand what Uther was trying to do here. It probably won't be an 
issue for most readers. Everything else is perfect.

Overall, this is a wonderful story, a glimpse into why safe-sex doesn't 
have to mean coitus interruptus.

Technical       :   10
Eros            :   10
Character/Plot  :   10
Crimson         :    9


------------------------------------------------------------------------
Betsy After the Fact {Alexis Siefert} (Flash, MF)

I reviewed "Betsy's Finest Hour" last week, and even while
Alexis says that this is the same character, and I agree,
it doesn't have to be. The girl is nameless, and the guy
anonymous, as they all must be. This is a glimpse into
hardship, and courage, as "Betsy's Finest Hour" was.
However, it stands on its own. While I'd recommend "Betsy's
Finest Hour", don't feel that you need to read it to understand
"Betsy After the Fact".

It's short, and to the point, the realism gritty through the
details. It isn't easy to get as much meaning into a story
of merely 280 words as Alexis does. It doesn't take long to read 
it and feel the punch of humanity deep into your belly.

Technical       :   10
Eros            :   10
Character/Plot  :   10
Crimson         :   10

-- 
Pursuant to the Berne Convention, this work is copyright with all rights
reserved by its author unless explicitly indicated.
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