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From: "Stasya Canine" <stasya@counsellor.com>
Subject: {ASSM} RP: Spacehounds of Ipecac (MF SciFi parody) Stasya T. Canine
Date: Fri, 26 Apr 2002 13:10:05 -0400
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<1st attachment, "Spacehounds.txt" begin>

This work is released to the public domain
-----

This one was done with a lot of respect, even though some folks
won't appreciate the way my respect has expressed itself.

This was, of course, inspired by E.E 'Doc' Smith's 'Lensman'
series and all those other wonderful space operas that he and
others wrote. :)

I hope I've managed to generate the 'feel' of those old space
operas.
-----

Spacehounds of Ipecac
by: Stasya T. Canine
---

"Anson, there's no help for it. We'll have to call them in.
Pinball and his wife Briquette are the only people Ex-Lax and the
other Suppositorians will allow through their shields." Commander
Geeky was rueful. "We still haven't been able to find a way to
duplicate those damn rings they wear. We have to have the rings
to identify our people. You know as well as I do that everything
else we've designed has been duplicated by the Slambonians. Those
rings are the only way people have of being sure they are dealing
with one of our security people."

"Besides, we're out of the damn things and somehow Ex-Lax knew
it. I got his call yesterday and he told me in no uncertain terms
that Pinball and Briquette had to be the ones to pick them up. He
tossed off a casual remark about them being required as part of
the 'calibration process'.

"Can't we put monitors on their ship?" Captain Anson Ironforge
was the newest head of research. "Maybe we can get some clues on
the calibration procedures."

"Don't even try. See that scorch mark on the wall? That's all
that's left of the last person who tried that one."

"Ex-Lax materialized here, blew half the room away and then told
me: 'Don't try it again. It will make me angry.'" Geeky sighed as
he studied the wall.

"Fine, just fucking fine. Monitoring is out. Neither one of them
will tell us anything. So, all we can do is just sit here and do
our best to smile when the two of them come back and collect
payment from us?"

Geeky nodded as he remembered the last delivery. "And have lots
of vaseline handy. They don't carry any of their own." He sighed.
"That's the last time we'll ever send out newlyweds on a survey
mission - *if* I have anything to say about future policy."

* * *

"Hairy balls and hairy walls..." Pinball Pinniped was singing in
his usual loud and untuneful 'peel-the-metal-off-the-walls'
voice.

"If you'd get *on* with it?" Briquette Pinniped, his wife,
snarled in her usual paint-peeling tones. "You lout. We can't
launch until we both orgasm and release the interlocks that the
Suppositories installed. It has been a week since our last visit
to Suppositoria and I need to get laid by a *real* prick." She
smiled dreamily as she remembered her last session with Ex-Lax.
"Now Exxy... There's a *real prick* any self-serving woman can
love."

"Just go get your ring and put it on. I don't like fucking you
any more than than you enjoy fucking me. Why the hell do you
think I spend all my time reinventing the damn wheel whenever we
land on a planet? If you'd stop destroying my androids, maybe I'd
have time to build one for you." He sighed deeply as he made sure
his ring was in place. "Fucking perverted Suppositorians. I
*know* they set things up so we had to wear these things on our
genitals."

"Keep your damn voice down. You know how sensitive they are if
someone suggests they made a mistake in evaluating a race."
Briquette looked around fearfully. "They designed the rings to
work best when near the brains. We were newly married and *you*
didn't have the balls to tell them we weren't thinking with our
rational brains when we got near their damned planet."

"Leave it alone, Briquette. We've been through this before."
Pinball sighed. "I don't recall you complaining once they
inserted yours and we went at it. Besides, the mistake was a
natural one for them to make. They look like giant pricks and
cunts and their brains are located near what are their analogues
of my balls and your clitoris. I would have pointed the mistake
out but by then we had seen how upset they get when someone tells
them they might not be omnipotent."

"Makes me shiver every time I remember." Briquette admitted.

"Now, let's get this piece of rust launched so we can go relax
and enjoy ourselves." Pinball made sure he had his ring securely
fastened so it wouldn't slide from his prick. He watched
carefully as Briquette checked hers.

"On." She sighed and reached for him as he slid home. "Make damn
sure you make the connection this time. I don't enjoy orgasming
for three hours as a result of the improper feedback."

"Put a lid on it and help me with this," Pinball snarled. "Think
of Ex-Lax and how he can shrivel himself up and fill that gaping
hole of yours. I want to get there and let myself get wrapped in
Xanthia's grasping appendages." He smiled involuntarily as he
thought of once again being wrapped in those giant labia. She
could do interesting things with what looked like an oversized
clitoris, too.

Quickly, as they each thought their own private thoughts of lust,
the rings lined themselves up and connected. Pinball orgasmed
first. Their rings sensed that and in their unique way of
amplifying thought, reached into Briquette's nervous system and
triggered hers.

"Ready for launch." A velvet contralto announced. The interlocks
had been bypassed and they could, after a long week of
deprivation, go back to Suppositoria and satisfy themselves
properly. They could also, in passing, pick up the next batch of
rings. Delivery and collection of the payment would make up for
the time he'd have to spend with Briquette.

"So get us moving. You know the route." Briquette smiled to
herself as Pinball told the ship to take off. The AI ships had
been new when she and Pinball had gone on their honeymoon. They
had also agreed to program in different voice patterns during
each voyage. She couldn't wait for Pinball's reaction to the
voice she had chosen for the return trip. She'd managed to gather
enough to recreate his father's personality. Life would be
interesting on the trip back.

* * *

"There you are." Ex-Lax smiled at them from the screen. "Right
when we expected you to arrive."

Under her breath, Briquette muttered to herself. "Makes sense.
You idiots never had a concept of time until you met us. Then you
screwed up the translators when you tried to use them the first
time..."

"Very good to see you Ex. How's Xanthia?" Pinball was all smiles.
He could afford to be. He wasn't the one who had the ship's
control plugged into his ass. Bad enough the ring had to be left
in while they were in flight. The Suppositorians had 'improved'
the control circuitry on their ship and since they shared such a
convenient and common opening so near their 'brains', the new
control had been designed to be worn there.

"Well, Pinball, it's so nice to have you and your lovely wife
come and visit us. Of course we do have another batch of rings
for the two of you to calibrate but once that chore is over, we
can all relax in more congenial surroundings." Ex-Lax bent over
and the opening on top partially closed in his version of awink.

"Xanthia, the darling, is just quivering in anticipation of your
visit. She misses you so much when your duties take you away from
her. We all are aware, of course, that you folks have to be
careful when you spend longer periods of time in contact with
us." The female Suppository next to him quivered slightly but
remained silent. Pinball was fascinated by that reaction. It was
the closest he had ever seen one come to admitting they disagreed
with Ex-Lax. He found that interesting. Maybe he could find out
what was going on and take advantage of it. Anything to get the
damn rings redesigned. Well, almost anything. He wasn't suicidal
about getting them changed. Then too, a redesign would eliminate
all the fringe benefits he enjoyed from being the only one who
could calibrate the female rings when they were installed on the
final wearer. Now that he thought about it, maybe the
Suppositorians really hadn't made a mistake. At least not when it
came to evaluating him.

"You humans need to evolve some more so that sustained contact
won't endanger the vitality of your species." Briquette hid her
amusement at Ex's apologetic look. What he really meant was that
humans without the rings didn't have a hope in hell of living
long when they were faced with the Suppositorian sex drive. The
rings had been their polite attempt at a compromise solution.

"Zounds!" Xanthia had extended her 'clitoris' and put her watch
under his eyes. "Forgive me. I stand here chattering away when
you folks probably want to land and relax a bit before you begin
your work. Xanthia and I shall meet you once you have landed at
your usual place."

* * *

"After initially calibrating 500 pairs of those damned rings, not
even Xanthia is going to get a rise out of me." Pinball looked
down at his decidedly limp dick. His ring was dull and lifeless.
"Not a flicker. My back is killing me too. My manly physique
apparently has its limits."

Briquette, for once, was too tired to take the time to respond
with one of her carefully crafted barbs. Even as she gently
massaged Pinball's back, she spent most of her time thinking
about something she seldom considered. Sleep. "I feel like a
welll-used dishrag. "Roll over. For once the sight of a limp dick
won't have me wondering how soon I can get it hard again."

"Cuddling. That's what we haven't done since we were given these
rings. I *knew* something was missing after we got them." Pinball
was obviously not paying much attention to Briquette. Well, for
the last ten years, ever since the Suppositorians had given them
the rings, ignoring her had become a habit. He had to if he
wanted to get anything done other than fucking.

" 'Darling'. When was the last time one of us used that word to
each other?" Briquette let herself get caught up in his
contemplative mood. "If I start to get all gushy about you, the
damn ring takes over and makes me horny."

"Ex-Lax and the others don't understand love, do they?" Pinball
noted clinically. "Well, I guess we should have expected that
once we figured out they had focussed all their energy and
technology on survival.

" 'Fucking, fun and food'. Their racial creed should have clued
us in from the first." He sighed and rolled back on his side so
he could face his wife. He finally smiled wryly.

"Granted. We *should* have been the scientists we used to be.
We'd just discovered sex and then they gave us the perfect sex
toys. 'An orgasm every time'. 'No side effects - guaranteed'."
She looked at her exhausted husband and shared his wry smile.

"How could we resist?" She shook her head at their mutual folly.

"I don't think anyone could have resisted." Pinball reached over
to lightly massage Briquette. He noticed that she was so tired
her nipples failed to harden as he brushed them. Not only that,
she cuddled rather than insisting he fucked her. He stiffened
suddenly and it was his whole body and not just his prick - that
did the stiffening.

"Just what the hell?..." He whispered it in his shock. He
wondered if his new idea was what had been bothering him allday.

"Keep your fucking mouth shut." He bent over and roughly kissed
his wife and then pulled back slightly and whispered. "For once,
don't argue with me about one of my decisions. My brain finally
kicked in again."

"Look down at my prick like you want to do nothing more than feel
it inside of you." He felt her head move slightly.

"Make some sexy moves against me. What do you see happening?" He
casually pulled the blanket over their tired bodies. "I'm getting
a bit chilled, honey. Maybe this will help warm us up more
quickly." He spoke casually and loud enough so that any monitors
would hear him.

"Nothing I haven't seen before. I see your prick getting hard."
She gasped slightly as she finally realized what he was talking
about.

"Oh. I'm not getting wet and your prick isn't glowing with that
weird yellow glow from the ring." She looked at Pinball. "What
the hell do we do now? If any of the Suppositories see this..."

"Precisely. We have to get off-planet as soon as possible." His
voice was incisive. We can figure out what to do later. Right
now, we need to survive."

"Quick, start humping me slowly." She grabbed at his ass and
pulled him to her and sheathed him. "Think you can keep erect
long enough to fake an orgasm?"

"Relax. I may be getting older but that guy down there is still
young enough to do what's required. Besides, I don't remember if
I told you before we got married but I suffer from priaprism." He
hugged her as if in lust. "I think that's why they thought my
brain was in my crotch."

"So that's part of why you had that permanent hard on when we
met?" She giggled. It was a nice giggle that he hadn't heard
since they had been given the rings.

"That's part of the reason." He grinned as he lightly touched her
breasts. "These two items were the rest of it."

"UNGH! Damnit, don't do that. I didn't realize they were so
sensitive." She moaned as she recovered from the unexpected jolt
of pleasure.

"Very, very, good." Pinball was smug as he whispered in her ear.
"We needed an unexpected reason to get out of here and back to
Earth. That will do nicely. Play along with me on this."

"Well, here goes." He smiled briefly in his famous
'devil-may-care' way as he reached for the intercom.

"Xanthia's quarters please. It's an emergency." He waited
impatiently.

"Yes, Pinball? Are you ok?" 'Well', he thought, 'at least she
cares'. She was dripping the clear fluids that were a sure sign
that a female Suppository was suffering from stress. "I'm fine.
It's Briquette." Under the cover he stroked her breast and she
moaned loudly. "She's having problems because she forgot her
zither." He stroked her again and she responded with another
moan.

"Zither? Well, we can make one here for her temporary use."
Xanthia was all professional concern.

"Actually, I'm afraid that won't work. We tried one of yours soon
after we got the rings and when she had one of these fortunately
rare attacks. We must have forgotten to tell you it had no effect
on Briquette. We have one of the Earth made ones of course but we
didn't think she'd ever need to use it again because she hasn't
had an attack like this in at least eight years. So, we put it in
storage." He sighed deeply. "Sometimes Briquette has these
attacks and it's the only thing I can count on to work if the
rings don't ease her pain. I'm sure you understand that her
reproductive health must be my prmary concern right now. I'm
sorry to cut our visit so short but we must be on our way as
quickly as possible." He sighed a bit theatrically. "I should
have plenty of time before it becomes life threatening but I
don't want to risk her."

Briquette pulled his head down and appeared to be frantically
biting at his ear in her agony. "Blank the screen."

Casually, Pinball reached over and cut the visuals. "This is all
very embarrassing for us you know. Briquette doesn't like people
seeing her in this condition. Could you make sure our ship is
ready for launch?"

"Done." Xanthia's calm voice came over the speakers. "I'll have
private transport waiting at your door in a matter of minutes. We
must get you on your way as soon as possible."

"Ex-Lax will have to be told of course. This is something we knew
about but we had designed the rings to overcome it. Apparently,
Briquette is one of those unforeseeable mutations that even we
can't plan for."

"Fine, Xanthia. Thank you." He cut the audio and sagged with
relief. They had managed to get away with it and Xanthia, with
her habitual refusal to admit she might not know everything, had
helped his deception right along.

"Grab me as if you are trying to confort me while I'm having
convulsions." Briquette buried her face in his shoulder and
started giggling uncontrolably.

"How in hell did you come up with 'zither'?" She couldn't contain
herself and went back to stiffling her giggles by putting her
face against his chest.

"It's a long story. When I was just starting puberty, I met this
oriental girl. She used to spend hours playing one. I was in lust
with her so I learned to play one in the hopes of being able to
seduce her. Before I could finish the job, we met and you
distracted me. The rest of that part of the story, you know." He
frowned as something occured to him.

"Just as long as Xanthia tells Ex-Lax *after* we leave." He
sighed. "We're committed now."

"Keep our genitals heavily covered." She reminded him. "Of
course, since you are full of worry and I'm suffering an attack,
we should be able to explain the rings not indicating any sexual
interest."

"Leave it to me." He smiled as he quickly dressed them both in
their anti-everything suits. "These will work nicely. If they
ask, I can say I don't want to risk you and while I respect their
expertise, this is just one of my quirks. I'll use my priaprism
to explain that the subtle chemicals you are giving off are
slowly taking control of my body. I can't have that happening
since I'll have to be in full control of my senses as we launch.
The lack of sexual signals will also be explained if I use a
purely chemical excuse.

"Make it quick." I don't know how long I can keep my giggles
suppresed." She acted like she had suppressed her convulsions
long enough to realize what was going on around her. She pulled
him down and kissed him tenderly. "Get me home. I don't know how
much longer I will last."

Nodding, he tenderly closed her suit and picked her up and
carried her to the door. "I'll get you home as quickly as I
possibly can."

"Open." He used his external speaker to tell the waiting car to
allow him access. Apparently Xanthia's concern and sympathy had
extended to sending them an automated vehicle. Good, he didn't
have to worry about explanations and delays.

"Programming override." The car announced. What was this?
Xanthia's voice came over the speakers. "Prepare yourselves for a
rougher ride than usual. I've taken the liberty of telling it to
use the emergency system to get you to your ship as quickly as
possible."

Quivering in its full power readiness mode, the vehicle seemed
alive as it waited for them to get themselves strapped in
securely.

"Ready." Pinball announced. Briquette echoed him weakly."Ready."

"Stand by for emergency transport override." Something clicked in
the control panel. "Awaiting operator confirmation of spaceport
as destination."

"That is correct." Pinball took a deep breath. "Go."

"Underway." Even as it spoke they were crushed into the seats.

Very cautiously, he turned his head as if he were checking on his
wife. She had already turned to look at him.

"Wait." He told her. "Once we're underway, I can probably do
something to ease your symptoms. It's not much but it should make
the trip home easier on you."

"Xanadu. We thought Suppositoria was our Xanadu." She seemed to
be rambling in a delirium. He knew better but he trusted her now
that their minds were back online after all these years.

"Yes dear. Everything will be ok in a few days. Just hold on to
that thought." He smiled at her and managed to move a hand
against the g-forces until he could rest his gaunlet on hers.

"Zither. Where's my zither?" She suddenly arched and moaned. "I
need my zither - damnit!"

"As soon as we get home, love. It won't be long. I promise." He
settled back and waited.

Braking furiously, the transport slid to a halt at the ramp that
led to their ship.

Carefully, he lifted Briquette out of the vehicle.

"Don't move." He told her. "I don't want to drop you as I carry
you aboard the ship."

Exhaling and allowing himself a sigh, he stepped slowly up the
ramp. He went through the corridors and when he reached her room,
he strapped her in for a high-g liftoff.

Fixing the control to his ass after he opened the access panel on
his suit, he was calm as he announced: "Medical override.
Destination: Earth - as quickly as possible." The ship hummed
briefly while he settled in the command chair. "Course laid in.
We are cleared for emergency launch procedures." There was a
brief pause as he could feel all the power being brought up from
standby. "Ready."

"Go." As the ship leapt away from Suppositoria, he waited. There
was one more thing that had to happen.

"Hyperspace." The ship calmly announced their escape from
reality.

"I don't fucking believe it." He sagged back in the command
chair. "We made it. We fucking made it."

Stasya T. Canine
March 5, 2001
---

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