Message-ID: <31308asstr$994489806@assm.asstr-mirror.org> Return-Path: <news@google.com> X-Original-Path: not-for-mail From: canyonero14@excite.com (canyonero14) X-Original-Message-ID: <59e7e880.0107061220.10b9685e@posting.google.com> Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1 Content-Transfer-Encoding: 8bit NNTP-Posting-Date: 6 Jul 2001 20:20:14 GMT Subject: {ASSM} SEX GUIDE TO THE UNIVERSE (M/F) [Part 4] Date: Sat, 7 Jul 2001 03:10:06 -0400 Path: assm.asstr-mirror.org!not-for-mail Approved: <assm@asstr-mirror.org> Newsgroups: alt.sex.stories.moderated,alt.sex.stories Followup-To: alt.sex.stories.d X-Archived-At: <URL:http://assm.asstr-mirror.org/Year2001/31308> X-Moderator-Contact: ASSTR ASSM moderation <story-ckought69@hotmail.com> X-Story-Submission: <ckought69@hotmail.com> X-Moderator-ID: kelly, gill-bates SEX GUIDE TO THE UNIVERSE (M/F [Part 4] A planet was below. The ship Orgasma, the only spaceship in the universe that ran on the energy of orgasms, hung up high in space around the planet like small tits pushed up by a wonderbra. "This is not the planet Pussina," said Forny strongly. "Yes, it is," said Zip equally insistent. "No, it's not," said Forny. Forny casually rubbed her tits. Her body still retained a pale red hue from her orgasms before the hyper jump. "Yes, it is," said Zip. Michael and Pleasure sat away from the arguing duo. This was not something to get involved in. They idlely played "rock, scissor, paper". It was more intersting. Here is what the Sex Guide says about the planet Pussina: Pussina is a mythological planet. The alleged inhabitants, the Pussies, were a highly erotic people. Having orgasms was the only thing of value in life. If you weren't currently having an orgasm, life was depressing. So, the Pussies began to look for the secret to the eternal orgasm. When word got out in the universe what the Pussies were trying to do, they were raided by a bunch of computer geeks and accountants. Basically people who weren't getting any nookie. The Geeks were successful in destroying the people since after all they were just a bunch of Pussies. The project to find the secret to the eternal orgasm ended with the life of the Pussies. The story of Pussina is one of the favorite pickup lines in the universe. "What do you want? A sign?" said Zip to Forny. "I'd take it," said Forny. Forny was reminded why she didn't hang around with Zip all the time. He could be just so plain stupid. "Incoming signal," said the ship computer. "What does that mean?" said Zip to Pleasure. "Someone's trying to talk to us," said Pleasure. "See!" said Zip to Forny. He stuck out his tongue. "It means nothing," said Forny. "Ship, receive message," said Pleasure for the primary purpose of interrupting the argument. "Hello," said the message cheerfully, "Welcome to the planet Pussina. We are currently all dead, however we look forward to having ecstasy in a future life, so please return in about a million years. Or longer. So long." Zip stared at Forny. "Okay, it's the planet Pussina," said Forny, begrudgedly, "So what?" "I'm going to permanently energize the ship and have a really, really good time too," answered Zip, proudly. "But they're all dead," said Michael. "Don't they have answering machines on your planet? Automated response" said Zip. "We're going to crash this dead man's party." "Pleasure, let's land this ship," Zip said. The ship door opened up and the glare of the sun blared inside. Pleasure stepped out onto the barren planet, quickly followed by Forny. "Stay here, Frigid Man" said Zip to Michael. "Why?" asked Michael. "To protect the ship," replied Zip. "From what? Everyone's dead," said Michael. "Just stay here," insisted Zip. "Fine!" said Michael dejectedly and walked away. Pleasure, Forny, and Zip walked into a nearby cave. Pleasure had analyzed the ship sensors and determined there was an underground network of rooms and corridors where the Pussies once worked and lived and had sex. Proably a lot of sex. They trio came immediately to a large room with several choices of door and corridors. "Let's split up," suggested Pleasure. "Why would we want to do that?" said Zip, suddenly fearful. "We can find what were looking for faster," said Pleasure. She held up her transmitter/sensor from her belt. "We'll be able to contact and find each other," she said reassuringly. "I...I don't know," said Zip. "How about if Forny goes with you?" she suggested. She did not want to be with him this moment. "I guess that would be okay," replied Zip, "And there would still be three of us to look." "Exactly," said Pleasure, trying not to sound too sarcastic. Forny and Zip went one way. Pleasure went another. "Let's take a walk, Org1," said Michael. He was stir crazy. "Does it involve sex?" asked Org1 "No," said Michael. "Are you going outside?" asked Org1. "Yes," said Michael. "I'd rather stay," answered Org1. "Bye." "Suit yourself," said Michael. Michael walked outside, up a hill, away from the cavern. After a few minutes, Michael was surprised to see an actual door in the hillside. He approached it. Michael became thoughtful. Here he was an earthling light years from his planet, or what was his planet, and he was on an alien planet with alien metal and alien air. It was incredible. And all in just a few days. He put the palm of his hand on the cold alien metal of the door. Surprisingly, the door opened to his touch by retracting upward like a garage door. Michael boldly entered in. Michael wandered aimlessly through the many corridors. He quickly realized he was lost, so he decided to head toward the hum of machinery in the distance. Maybe there would be a someone there. Michael eventually came into an area where machine sounds were coming from various ends of the corridor junction. He was about to decide to go down a corridor that sounded louder with machines when he heard something from the corridor on his left. Michael turned to face it. The noise sounded very much like a woman in the midst of sexual ecstasy. Michael didn't like the idea of interrupting such activity, if indeed that was what it was, but at least there were people here and maybe they could help him find his way back to the ship. Michael walked about 150 feet down the pathway and looked into an open door. In the middle of the room was what appeared to be a queen-sized examination room. On top of the bed, on his back, was an old man that Michael thought looked like Obi Wan Kenobi. On top of the old man was a large breasted woman bouncing up and down on the old man's dick. The woman was obviously enjoying her activity very much. Michael was very surprised to see that the woman making all the noise was Pleasure. Michael courteously waited for Pleasure and Obi Wan to finish their business before interrupting. When Pleasure finally screamed out in total orgasm, Michael found he had to step out of the room. The echo acoustics of the room was deafening. After the reverberation faded, Michael stepped back into the room. Pleasure and Obi Wan were both on their feet. Obi Wan noticed him first. "Oh, there you are Earthman," Obi Wan said. "I'm glad you are here so I don't have to go find you. I've greatly enjoyed the delicacies of this Earthwoman." Michael stood silently with his mouth agape, unhearing. The old man before him had a very fat and long dick. That wasn't the cause of Michael's agapeness. That was caused by that fact that the old man's dick was naturally corrugated. Pleasure spoke as if reading Michael's mind. "Amazing, isn't it," Pleasure said, looking back at the source of her best ecstasy ever. She wiped some renewed drool from her mouth. "I just had to have it." "Where's Zip and Forny?" Michael finally asked. "We split up," answered Pleasure. "I was lucky enough to be the one to make contact. She smiled at her use of the word "contact" as if she was a junior high schoolgirl. As if on cue, Forny and Zip appeared through the doorway. "See I told you that moaning was Pleasure," said Zip to Forny. He was right twice in one day. He was insufferably pleased with himself. "I thought you guys were all dead," said Forny. Zip would be impossible to be around for the next few days. "Everyone's in suspension," replied the old man. "I'm the only way awake. They'll awaken when the secret to the eternal orgasm is finally discovered." "What if you die?" Forny followed up. "The computer will wake up another scientist to continue the research." "Unfortunately," the old man said sadly, "the Earth was blown up before we could discover the answer. We were so close." He shook his head. "Excuse me," said Michael, "did you say the Earth?" "Yes," confirmed the old man. "I'd have to start from almost the beginning if it wasn't for you Earthman showing up." "Me?" said Michael quizically. A long time when the Pussies were first trying to answer the question to the eternal universe, they quickly realized the problem was immense. They discovered a planet on the far fringes of the universe where nobody ever went or would admit they went and subtly watched the developing race of people called Earthlings. The Pussies developed high technology to monitor the Earth people. They transmitted signals that relayed the erotic responses to the monitoring ships on the dark side of the moon. The earthlings, not knowing the true intent of the monitoring devices, called them "vibrators","dildos","blow-up dolls", "condoms", and similar items. Hence, the very items that brought people so much pleasure was the same source for so much information to the Pussies. "Yes," said the old man. "I want to dissect your brain. Its the most erogeneous part, you know." "No, it's not," interrupted Zip. "That's just something your parents tell you so you won't have sex before you are five." "Yes, it is," said the old man. "No, it's not," argued Zip. "Ye.." said the the old man. He was cut off. "Er...pardon me," said Michael. "Uh...um...what's your name?" "Smarty Fartass," the old man replied. "What!?" said Michael in surprise "I changed my name. I didn't like my old name," said Smarty Fartass. "What was that?" persisted Michael. "OhBeeJuan KayKnowBee," replied Smarty Fartass, uncomfortably. "Why did you chose that name," continued Michael, even more incredulously. "I'm the smart guy who discovered the fart is related to sexual fullfilment," answer Smarty Fartass patiently. "The fart? That smelly byproduct of eating too many beans?" said Michael, in further shock. "Yes," said Smarty Fartass. "Can I have your brain now?" "I'd rather keep it," replied Michael. "I need a brain," responded Smarty Fartass. "What about Pleasure?" said Michael. It was everything earthling for himself. "Well, she has a pussy and an ass. You just have an ass. That makes her more versatile for my satisfaction," said Smarty Fartass. "You'd be better off, Frigid Man," Zip suddenly suggested. Before Michael could respond, a loud explosion echoed down the corridor. "What was that?" Michael and Forny exclaimed simultaneously. "That's just the Police Universal," said Smarty Fartass, calmly. "Something about a stolen spaceship." All eyes turned to Zip. The noise was getting closer and louder. Everyone except for the native Pussy hid behind the bed. "Zipper Doubledix," came a loud voice, "Give yourself up. We won't hurt you." "Much," said a second voice. "Right," confirmed the first voice. "Maybe a poke in the eye or make you wear clothes for a while." "You'll never make me wear clothes," yelled Zip back defiantly. "Shhh!" said Forny quietly. "You'll let them know where we are." Two shadows appeared in the doorway. "Your not Zip," the first voice said. "I am not," said Smarty Fartass. A 'ummph' sound came from behind the table followed by panicked muttering. Michael had slipped. "Come out from behind that table," said the first voice. Four sets of arm slowly rose up above the table like nipples hardening in a cool breeze. You're not sure you're seeing what you're seeing, but then you realize it's what you thought they were. A electrical frying sound erupted. The first voice said, "Ack!" The second voice said, "Ack" When Zip, Forny, Pleasure, and Michael stood up fully, they saw the two Police Universal officers collapsed on the floor and apparently dead. "What happened?" said Forny to the only witness. "They went 'ack!' and fell down," said Smarty Fartass. "How..." said Forny. "Who cares," interrupted Zip, rudely, "Let's get out of here. This planet is nowhere-ville as an energy source." "You ready to energize, Pleasure?" Zip asked, excitedly. "No way," said Pleasure, "I'm still wiped out." Zip caught her look at Smarty Fartass. "Him?" said Zip. "Oh!" He saw Smarty Fartass's dick. "Very, very nice dick," complimented Zip. "Thank you. You're better than average yourself," said Smarty Fartass. "Are you recovered enough?" said Zip to Forny. "Not to get us very far," said Forny. "I can help you energize your ship," said Smarty Fartass, "I'll give you enough power to get to "The Orgy at the End of Time" "Hey!" said Zip, slapping his head. "Why didn't I think of going there." "Probably because you had your head up her ass," Smarty Fartass replied, referring to Zip's dick and to Pleasure respectively. The five of them walked out of the underground tunnels into the bright sun. Org1 was outside slumped in the dust. It rose upon their approach. "Org1!" said Zip, happily, "What have you been up to?" "I decided to go over to the police ship for conversation," said Org1. "It seemed like a friendly enough talk, but when I asked if it wanted to have sex, it fried itself." "Tough luck," said Zip, "I'm sure there's a machine out there for you," "In a black hole," Zip said, under his breath. With special canisters of compressed orgasm energy, Smarty Fartass helped fuel the ship Orgasma. They all stood just outside the open ship door when the task was complete. "Will you not decide to stay, Michael," Smarty Fartass asked one last time. He saw thousands and thousands of years of research ahead of him without the Earth brain. "No," said Michael, flatly. He danced off into the ship away from the potential brain snatcher. He turned on some relaxing Celtic-sounding music. "And you, Pleasure?" said Smarty Fartass. "Will you not stay and explore our sexuality." "I first came with Zip to see the universe," explained Pleasure. "There's a lot more to see. Besides, I think you'd never get any work done if I stayed. "I'm sure you're correct," said Smarty Fartass. "So long and thanks for the sex." He turned and went underground. The remaining three went into the ship. The ship Orgasma rose into the sky. It broke orbit and with the coordinates Zip provided. Pleasure jumped the ship into hyperspace. -- Pursuant to the Berne Convention, this work is copyright with all rights reserved by its author unless explicitly indicated. +---------------------------------------------------------------------------+ | alt.sex.stories.moderated ----- send stories to: <ckought69@hotmail.com> | | FAQ: <http://assm.asstr-mirror.org/faq.html> Moderator: <story-ckought69@hotmail.com> | +---------------------------------------------------------------------------+ |Archive: <http://assm.asstr-mirror.org> Hosted by Alt.Sex.Stories Text Repository | |<http://www.asstr-mirror.org>, an entity supported entirely by donations. | +---------------------------------------------------------------------------+