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Subject: {ASSM} "The Sea - its just home" NEW AUTHOR! (gay, zoo)
Date: Sat, 16 Jun 2001 09:10:05 -0400
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Written:  Monday, January 15, 2001
By:  Eagle - Eagle@rthawk.com

Free for public distribution, so long as distribution is free. 
Do not modify.


"The Sea - its just home"

Forty-two years had I walked the earth ... forty-two miserable
years.  All I could dream of, all I had ever dreamed of, were
dolphins.

The name's Matthew ... I've been ... well, all around.  Born in
South Carolina, raised in Hawaii, couple years here and there in
Alaska, Texas, Oklahoma, Maine, and here now in Florida ... been
through every part of the U.S., from the Pacific Northwest to New
England to the deep south and the southwest.

Never really set down any roots ... though I been here in Florida
now for the longest of anywhere since moving out of my folks back
in '80.  Been through more relationships than I can remember with
both women and men ... sometimes both simultaneously ... heh. 
Damned libido's always leading me around, but never taking me
anywhere.

There were a couple special to me ... but no more than John who I
met in Maine ... lonely guy, very quiet and reserved ... to look
at him, he didn't look like much.  It was by fluke I got to know
him at all, a long string of bad luck ... but I broke through his
shell ... he had opened up a lot to me ...

I'd dreamed of dolphins long before I met him, every time waking
up hornier than ever.  I never quite put the two together 'til I
met him, though ... John was ... very different.

He'd been born in Maine, lived there all his life ... I only met
him by chance after crashing at my brother's up there, having
just fallen out of a bad relationship.  I saw him nearly every
day walking the beach with his German Shepherd by the beach.  He
answered hellos with a nod, never talked with anyone.  A lot of
times he'd spend hours just watching the waves crash over the
rocks on the coast, the Sheph sitting beside him or laying in his
lap.

I'd gotten a strange feeling from him ... not a bad feeling, a
strange one ... several times.  He didn't seem to have a lover,
nor any friends ... he seemed disinterested in anything going on
in the world; never saw him with a newspaper.

Trying to rebuild my life for the umpteen billionth time, I was
stuck there with at my brother's for awhile ... worked in a
supermarket for dirt pay, saving up to replace my dilapidating
car with a newer used one, paying my brother rent, and spending
maybe a bit more than I should have on booze.

He became as familiar a face to me as my brother - unkempt, his
hair way out of control, thick beard and stache ... he usually
just wore plain jeans and a shirt, plaid when it turned chilly,
but no matter how cold, he was always out there.

I became very weirdly curious about him ... after having lived
there and seen him day in, day out for 6 months, I walked up to
him as he was sitting on a walk, just looking out at the sea. 
His sheperd lifted her head and looked at me, and he casually
followed her.

"Hi," I greeted warmly.  He just gazed at me.  "M'name's Matt ...
seen you around here a lot ... mind if I sit for a bit?"

He just shrugged and returned to looking at the sea.  I looked
out with him ... it was overcast and cool ... way too cool a
climate for dolphins, of course, but at least it was the sea ...
however cool the breeze flowing in, I enjoyed the salty air.

I remembered all the times I'd seen him gazing out ... felt if
anything would break the ice with him, the sea would.

"It's just home, isn't it?" I said after about 10 or 20 minutes
of saying nothing.  He moved his eyes to glance at me.  "The sea,
I mean ... it's just home."

Almost to a shock, for the first time in the hundreds of times
I'd seen him, he spoke.  "Yeah ..... yeah, it is."

He had a deep voice, but a quiet one.

"Shame about all the crap we've dumped in there over the
millennia ... the origin of life, the biggest gem on the globe,"
I continued.

He'd brought his own sack lunch with him, as he often did ... he
reached in, grabbed some baked fish, letting his shepherd eat it
from his hand.  She sniffed, but then turned and looked at me,
looking very uneasy.

"Its alright, lady ..." he said, then turned to me.  "Well, if
you're gonna just sit there, mind if she checks you out?  She's
not to keen on strangers, is afraid to even sniff 'em anymore."

"No prob."

He huddled her ... nuzzled her, even with his face.  "Its okay,
Jen ... I won't let him hurt you ... go ahead," he encouraged.

She looked at him, then slowly got up and tightly tucked her tail
underself as she carefully stretched over to me, her nostrils
flaring.  I gazed at her softly, but didn't move nor react ... I
knew they were strongly attached, and if I startled her, it'd
quash my chances at getting to know this mysterious fellow ...
which, for some oddball reason, I felt very compelled to do.

She kept her eyes fixed on mine as I gazed at her ... and kept
her tail tucked very, very tighly under herself.  She stretched
herself out to sniff my legs stretched out in front of me as I
sat in the gravel, my back leaning against a boulder ... she
sniffed up to my chest, then loosened her tail-tuck a bit and
padded over and began sniffing all around me ... my arm, my
chest, my face.  She pressed her muzzle softly into my chest as
he watched, and I slowly moved my arm nearest her to scritch her.
 She backed up at first, and i stopped, my hand still on her back
... she turned and sniffed it ... I gently started again, and she
licked my arm.

She panted slightly, uncurling her tail, letting it droop
normally, and she swayed it a couple times.  She then padded back
over to him, and passively (but obviously enjoying

"Matt, is it?" he seemed to warm up at her comfort with me.  His
whole demeanor changed ... I sensed now he was curious about me.

"Yeah."

He set the piece of fish on his leg for her to finish; she licked
the pieces from his hand, and then he extended it to me.  "My
name's John."

I shook his hand.

"This is Jennifer," he said, gazing down at his Shepherd.  She
smiled at him, glanced at me, panted, then returned to taking
down the last of the bit of fish he had for her.  "She's ... very
special to me."

Dunno what it was, but I sensed something held back in that ...
and a bit of feared embarrasment about something.

We talked for a bit ... about the sea, about the town.  Told me
he worked as a freelance writer, wrote a couple Hardy Boys books,
occaisional pieces for local magazines and such.

After that, we sat together fairly often.  He chatted a lot about
Jennifer ... how he'd picked her up as a pup, seeing her wander
alone by the side of a road.

I'd been seeing people, having a couple flings with swingers and
the local queers, but after John started talking to me ... for
some reason, I just forgot all about that.

Within a couple months, I realized I was interested in him ... he
never talked about any relationships he had ... maybe he was just
a closet gay ... there was definitely something, but I couldn't
quite tell what.

John lived in a small house on the outskirts of town, with a few
acres that he never mowed.  He invited me over for coffee several
times as we got a friendship going.

Then, about 7 months after the first time he'd talked with me, I
decided to just drop by on a whim, see what was up.  I will never
forget that day ...

It was a warm spring day ... very warm, in fact ... hot and
muggy.  I knew he didn't have any air conditioning, and he
usually had his windows wide open ... I knew he was home because
his car was in the drive, but I noticed his windows were closed
and his curtains drawn.

I knocked ... no answer.  I heard scuffling, Jen's panting, and
... heavy breathing?

"John?  Its me, Matt ... you there?"

" ... (seeming to gasp for breath) Matt?  Uhh ... I'm not feeling
well today ... could you maybe come by later instead?"

"John?  Something wrong?"

".... no!  Please ... just go!"

"John, somethign's wrong ... if there's someone else in there, I
GOT A GUN!"  I pressed on the door, pulling on the latch ... it
was open ...

"No, please, don't...!"

There he was ... with Jen ... and I mean -with- Jen.  Words ...
definitely failed me.  "Ummmm ... whoops ... I ..." I .... I ....
.... .... I stepped outside and closed the door.

I walked out to my car I'd parked on the street (John's driveway
was just too small for both our cars) ... but then just walked
past it.

I just walked to town, back home to my brother's house ... I had
often walked home drunk ... though I hadn't had more than a beer
since I'd gotten to know John.

I'd like to tell you what was going through my head as I did so
... but I honestly had no clue ... my had no coherency to it at
all.

My brother was gone for the weekend, on some business trip, so I
had the apartment to myself ... I paced ... seemingly endlessly.
Then I walked back outside, down to the corner to the liquor
store, and blew a good $80 or so on the hard stuff, walked back,
and the rest of the day I couldn't tell you if aliens landed.

Woke up in the tub, the water running and flooding the floor ...
I shut it off and got out, surveying the damage ... carpet very
soaked, the entire $80 worth of empty bottles on the counter,
nightstand, everywhere.  I'd gotten drunk before, but never that
much.  I set towels out everywhere, cursing myself ... why the
hell'd I take a bath and pass out in the water!?

I couldn't remember much of when I'd been conscious the previous
day, but I dreamt of dolphins again ... this time, though ...
that was the first time I'd had an erotic dream about dolphins,
or at least the first time I'd had one and remembered it.

Why'd I get drunk?  Oh yeah, John ... as I cleaned up, I thought
about it ... thought about maybe I shouldn't think about it ...
thought about ... well, whatever floats his boat.

I didn't go anywhere the whole day ... just spent it all soaking
up as much as I could from the carpet, used the shopvac from my
brother's garage ... took awhile, but finally got the carpet to
just mildly damp.

I went to bed early and alone ... unusual on both counts for me.
Had another erotic dream about dolphins ...

Next day, I woke up to my brother's car pulling into the garage.
I got up, my bare feet hitting the carpet ... dry now, at least.
I threw my clothes on, some socks and my shoes.

"Mornin, Matt ... heh, looks like you had a fun weekend.  Where's
your car?"

I joked back, playing along "Man, you wouldn't believe that party
... don't worry, I'll get it ... need a good walk to take off the
hangover.  Had a blast!"

I walked out, started jogging at first, but then slowed to a walk
heading out to John's.

What would I say to him?

Hell, I still couldn't tell how I felt.  I've seen some weird
shit at some parties in my life ... but that definitely had it
all beat.

I thought some more ... I remembered how very protective he'd
been of her ... and how much she trusted him.  Yeah, she trusted
me ... but that's only to say, she tolerated  me then, which is
more than she did anyone else - except John.  She adored him.

Was it sick?  ...... aww, fuck, what the hell did I care?

The more I thought about it, the more I realized - hey, he
definitely loves her, she definitely loves him ... why not?

I'd just keep it cool.  I definitely wouldn't share that with
anyone.  Hell, maybe by knowing and accepting his secret, I could
get closer ... maybe use it to break the ice about my interest in
him ... maybe ask him.

I walked down his driveway ... his curtains were still drawn.  I
didn't bother knocking, just called out to him ...

"John, its me, Matt ... man, I'm sorry ... it was my fault ...
but you know what?  Its cool ... you know ... its cool by me. 
Under my hat ... I think I understand, even.  Can I come in?"

I heard Jen whimper mournfully.

Oh, no ... no ... no ...

"JOHN!"

No answer except more mounrful whimpering from Jen.

Oh, fuck ... no no no ...

I pressed on the door, opening it, and hesitated ... I was very
afraid of what I'd see ...

I slowly stepped in.

I looked over in the direction of Jen's mourning, sitting by
John's body ... she looked at me and cried.

I walked over to him ... already knowing ... the pool of blood
under his head planted in the floor and the pistol in his hand
confirming.

"JOHN!  Gawd dammit ... fuck ... shit!"

I cursed and stomped-paced around the room.  Jen just followed me
with her eyes.

Then I saw the folded pages on his counter, "MATT" written in
large letters.

Fuck ... gawd, do I want to read this ...

I knew I'd have to call the cops, and guessed he'd written
something in there he didn't want them to see ... I didn't want
to read it just then, though, either.  I put the letter in my
pocket, picked up his phone, and called the cops.

When they got there, of course they asked a lot of questions.  I
told them I'd visited him the previous day, I got a little drunk
and walked home ... told them they could call my brother, that
he'd seen me walk past him as he got home.

"Well," said the investigator in charge, "looks cut and dry to me
... you're known a bit for going to parties.  Such a shame ...
John's a quiet fellow, never made trouble for anyone."

"You knew him?" I asked.

"Well, graduated with him - he's always been quiet."

The investigator leaned down to Jen.  "I know you liked him ..."

She grrrrowled at him, backing up.

"Hate to think what's going to happen to you know, fluffy," he
said, looking at her.  "Probably get taken to a pound and put
down ... damn, John, wish you'd said something ... to someone." 
He turned to me.  "I'm surprised he's talked to anyone ... guess
... you're his type or something ..."

I was about to object, but decided not to.

"Oh, I don't care 'bout that.  I guess that's why he's so quiet
... feel bad for you, bud.  We'll finish up here ... just go home
... we'll call you in a few days if we have any more questions. 
Wait, one last thing ..."

"Yeah?"

"A lot of times, when this happens ... they leave a note ... did
you find anything?"

I look him straight in the eye ... "No ... he didn't."

"Hmmm ... well, try and rest up ... I know you're heading in for
a bit of pain.  I wish you well," he said.

I nod, hard to keep the tears away, and head out.

I hear scratching behind me as Jen scampers across John's wooden
floor to me.

"Jen?" I turn and ask her.  She stands, very solemly, looking at
me.

I walk out the door ... she still follows me.

"Well, maybe she can just go with you then," the investigator
jokes as I step out.  "Try and take it easy ..."

Jenna follows me out to my car, and gets in as I open the door
and drive back to the house.

I think about her, think about John more and more on the drive
back, and pull over before I reach town, on a deserted stretch. 
I burst into tears, reaching over and holding Jen.

"Gawds, girl, I did it ... its my fault ... shit, I killed ... I
killed your mate .... I'm so fucking sorry .... fuck, fuck,
FUCK!"

Jenna just sits there, quietly.  She licks my face a few times,
and gazes into my dripping eyes.  She nuzzled my pocket, where
I'd stuck the note.

I looked at her ... she seemed to stare at me ... not
aggressively, just ... I dunno ... commandingly.  As though she
were ordering me to ...

I got out of the car, and she followed as I walked toward the sea
... out here, its a bit of a high cliff.  I sat near the edge,
gazing out as I reluctantly pulled the note out.  Jen laid beside
me, her paws out in front of her, her head upon them.

"Dear Matt ..."

He wrote he didn't know how I'd react, but he couldn't face the
fear of finding out.  He said he'd been getting feelings for me,
but they conflicted with his feelings for Jen.  He'd been lovers
with her ever since she came of age ... and he'd had a canine
lover before her, when he was in junior high and throughout
highschool ... she was killed in a fire that also took his
father, who he'd been close enough to that he'd been on the verge
of coming out to.

He wrote that a small part of his soul sensed a yearning within
me ... but he wasn't sure enough to face his fear.

He finished off by writing if Jen follows me, to please watch out
for her, for the rest of her days.

I refold the letter and tuck it back into my pocket.  I sit out
there the rest of the day with her, even as the sherriff cars
drive back into town to the police station.

As it grows dark, I finally get up, realizing I hadn't eaten
anything all day .. and neither had Jen.  I drove on toward home,
stopped by a seafood store, picked up some fish, and continued
home.

My brother wasn't totally pleased I had a dog with me, but didn't
fight much over it ... I sensed the cops had called him and he
already knew.

I cooked up the fish (I often cooked for my brother and I), and
made sure to give Jen some.

That was about a year ago ...

Jen's at my side.  She's been very attached to me ... to answer
what I know is your question, no, I never did anything with her.

I did, however, find new love out here on the gulf coast ...

Jenna's barking ... ah, there they are!

I found this remote home on the western Florida coast, knowing I
wanted a secluded place by the warm sea.  No other houses around,
no tourists, no one ... 'cept me, Jenna, and them ...

I strip off my clothes and jump off the dock, Jenna panting
happily and wagging her tail from the dock, as I swim out toward
the pod ... a pod that met me here, and yes, a pod I've come to
intimately know.

Wherever you are, John, I owe you an apology ... and a debt of
gratitude.  Booze no longer wets my soul.  The sea does, now ...
its just home.

[FINISHED - total time writing story:  1 hour, 48 minutes]


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