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Subject: {ASSM} {REVIEW} (Corrected)Celestial Reviews 369 - Sept 30, 2000
Date: Sat, 7 Oct 2000 10:10:03 -0400
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Celestial Reviews 369 - Sept 30, 2000
{The original version of CR 369 had one story completely mislabeled with
a wrong review. In addition, none of the links worked properly. I
apologize for the inconvenience.}
Note {The Blowjob Principle}: Occasionally good writers stop writing
stories for this newsgroup. If you rarely or never respond to authors,
then THIS IS YOUR FAULT!
What in the world do you think keeps an author going? You can call it
ego or whatever you want to call it. I call it the Blowjob Principle.
The Blowjob Principle states that if a person expects to get a second
blow job, the recipient should make the giver glad to have performed the
first blowjob. Applied to these stories, the Blowjob Principle means that
if you like a story, you should take the trouble to say so.
Some writers on this newsgroup are incoherent and don't intend to
improve. If they give up and go away, that's fine with me. But there are
good writers who have already abandoned this newsgroup and others who will
do so, because there's nothing in it for them.
I'm not suggesting that you kiss up to the authors. But if you enjoy a
story that you obtained for free, why not take two minutes to give the
author some feedback? I don't think most authors want idle flattery; but
they write stories with the hope that they are getting a reaction -- for
example, they may want to make people happy. They'll never know they have
succeeded unless somebody tells them so.
HALLOWEEN NOTE: I have in past years posted a "Special Halloween Issue."
I plan to do this again this year, and I notice that there is a Halloween
Activity on a.s.s.d. In the past, some of the worst stories I have ever
read have been illiterate, juvenile nonsense masquerading as Halloween sex
stories. I am pretty sure I have both wasted my own time and annoyed the
authors by reviewing these stories indiscriminately. On the other hand,
there have been some great Halloween stories, and I think my reviews have
drawn attention to them.
Therefore, if anyone wants me to review their new or old Halloween
story, please let me know. I'll still repost last year's reviews {which
appeared in CR 344}, but I'll also make an attempt to review any new
stories called to my attention. I'll post my reviews in the October 28
issue of CR. Either you can post your stories before October 28, and I'll
review them as they appear; or you can send me an advance copy, and then
you can post them when the review is published.
THIS WEEK'S JOKE:
Two 75-year-olds had been dating for a while, when the man told the
woman, "Well, tonight's the night we have sex!"
And they did!
Lying in bed afterward, the man thinks to himself, "My God, had I known
she was a virgin, I would have been gentler with her!"
The woman is thinking to herself, "My God, had I known he could actually
get it up, I would have taken off my panty hose!
==================== Celestial Reviews Index: ====================
"Summer Rain" by Souvie (pregnant romance) 10, 10, 10
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=672198787
"Subliminal Messages" by Chew Toy (hypnosis and sex) 10, 9. 9
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=673829319
"Devil Woman" by Belle Chandra (succubus sex) 10, 10, 10
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=667736835
"Dead Wallaby Incident" by DrSpin (sex Down Under) 10, 10, 10
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=671976814
"Ace of Clubs" by Waldo ataboy (BDSM) 6, 5, 4
"Jean Brown " by E.Z. Riter (threesome or moresome) 10, 9.5, 9.5
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=672129985
"Are My Roommate and I Lesbians?" by Perthman (first time ff sex) 9, 5, 5
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=657456974
"Pit Pass " by Lyndon Brown (race cars & sex) 9, 6, 5
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=672696089
"Thirty-one flavors" by Terri Madison (ice cream orgy) 9, 6, 6
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=547624556
"Play Time" by Wiseguy (cautionary tale) 10, 9, 8
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=672521247
==================== Guest Reviews: ====================
"Sunday Morning" by Joseph Lawrence (incest). BillyG: 9, 8, 8
http://x62.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=611251849.1
==================== Here are the Reviews: ====================
"Summer Rain" by Souvie (souvie@netdot.com).
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=672198787
I know I've resolved to cut back on unsolicited reviews; but one day
when I checked ASSM there was only one story, and this was it. It's only
"flaw" is that it's not really a sex story; but it's very sexy. It's about
a pregnant woman who wants to make it rain. If that doesn't already have
you hooked, just take a look at the story anyway. I found it to be
delightful.
Ratings for "Summer Rain"
Athena (plot & character): 10
Venus (technical quality): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Subliminal Messages" by Chew Toy (wellgnawed@hotmail.com).
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=673829319
Lisa is one of those sexy people who work in desktop support. You know,
the ones who are smart and sexy and have great personalities. I'm not sure
about the smart and great personality part, but some of the ones I have
dealt with MUST be good at sex - how else would you explain the fact that
they still have their jobs?
Anyway, Lisa is smart and sexy and has designs on her co-worker, who
somehow manages to write this story, although he remembers none of it.
Basically, Lisa uses a subliminal program on his screen to make the
narrator her sex slave. I don't know the name of the narrator. The name
must have been presented subliminally, if at all.
I'm not going to give you the details. All I'll say is that recently I
saw a message on a.s.s.d. that complained about the absence of
well-written, NON-NASTY bondage stories. I think this one fits that
description. Aside from being impossible, this is a realistic sex story -
that is, I can understand the emotions and rationales of the people in the
story.
I took a graduate course once from a very intelligent psychologist who
stated that there is no evidence whatsoever to support the notion of
subliminal learning. He said the reason for the failure of subliminal
learning was that learning requires what he called selective perception
followed by encoding, and selective perception requires a clear focus of
attention on the relevant information. This focus can occur in many ways,
ranging from reading an article or listening to a lecture to making very
personal discoveries. "But if you don't even notice the information, you
have nothing to encode; and so learning cannot take place." I asked him
whether this ruled out learning under hypnosis or through dreams, and he
told me that I had not listened carefully. "Hypnosis FOCUSES attention,"
he told me. "So certainly it is possible to learn under hypnosis, even if
you don't remember focusing your attention." As for dreams, he said dreams
certainly consisted of focused attention. He said we could learn from
dreams, but we shouldn't count on this as a replacement for good teaching,
since it was impossible to effectively control the content of dreams. So
the problem with this story is that it just can't happen. But that's true
of most of the good novels and movies I've read and seen lately; and so
don't let that stand in the way of your enjoyment of this story.
I suspect my professor would grant that the events in this story could
occur: he just wouldn't call the messages subliminal. He'd probably say
Lisa could pull this off through a clearly observed hypnotic suggestion,
which the viewer would be required to forget because of a post- hypnotic
instruction to do so. Thus, the effect would be the same as subliminal
learning (which refers to the notion of acquiring or being influenced by
information that is presented below the threshold of perception).
Actually, I don't remember much else from that course. Changes are the
professor subliminally seduced me, blissfully and wonderfully fucked my
brains out, and then left me with the impression that none of it could have
happened. That's so scary, it could be true! I guess I could check it out
by confronting him, but I have this vague feeling that I'll be abducted by
aliens if I do so.
Ratings for "Subliminal Messages"
Athena (plot & character): 10
Venus (technical quality): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9
"Devil Woman" by Belle Chandra (mystery-woman@e247.com).
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=667736835
Nelson is one of those ubiquitous guys with a happy home life who just
needs a little more spice in his sex life. So he searches the Internet and
finds cybersex. Even better, he finds Kali, who has the power to come to
him in his dreams. Well, they seem to be dreams; but they're too real to
be dreams. He has some of the best sex of his life, but all good things
must come to an end.
If you don't mind the occasional succubus in your sex stories, I think
you'll really like this one. The sex is extremely vivid, and things work
out just about the way the nuns said they would if you used your body for a
purpose other than procreation.
Ratings for "Devil Woman"
Athena (plot & character): 10
Venus (technical quality): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Dead Wallaby Incident" by DrSpin (drspin@newsguy.com).
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=671976814
The story takes place in Australia, a place about which I know a great
deal, now that the Olympics have taken place in Sydney. The narrator has
been driving along a most rural road, when he finds his passage blocked by
a couple who have accidentally killed a local wallaby. The woman is both
beautiful and greatly distressed, because she thinks the wallaby might have
a joey in the pouch. Joeys can live for three days in the mother's pouch.
If you don't believe me, you can look it up in National Geographic or ask
the Crocodile Hunter.
So where's the sex in this story, you say? Beats me, but this has to be
one of the most original set-ups ever.
If this story is like the only Australian story I can remember, here's
what will happen. The woman will ask the man who stopped what he does for
a living. He'll reply that he's a kangaroo castrator. "Wow!" the woman
will say, "How do you castrate a kangaroo." "It's easy," the man will
reply. "You set the kangaroo up on a lift much like the one in a mechanic's
garage, and then you go down into the pit with a large brick in each hand.
The 'roo's balls will be hanging down. So you just take the bricks and
smack them together. The bricks will disintegrate, but the 'roo's balls
will be gone."
"Ouch!" the woman will grimace. "Doesn't that hurt?" The man will
reply,
"Only if you let your fingers get in the way."
Fortunately, this story is better than mine. In it, the lady, whose
name is Misty, realises she is not going to get anywhere but older and
sadder as a singer/whore at Mark's nightclub, and so she decides to get
some goat's milk for the joey and to move on with her life, much as Garth
Brooks would recommend, I suppose. And so, in a scene quintessentially
reminiscent of something I recall from Crocodile Dundee, our hero
demonstrates to Mark that his weapon is bigger than his. I'll leave the
pronoun attribution up to you; I hate to have to spell things out too
specifically in a sex story review.
Alas, we have come again to that point where I shall decline to tell you
any more about the plot. If you've read this author's work before, you
know he writes well; and with all its unusual twists and turns, I think
this is one of his better stories.
Ratings for "Dead Wallaby Incident"
Athena (plot & character): 10
Venus (technical quality): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Ace of Clubs" by Waldo ataboy (ataboy@ameritech.net)
After Walter McGuire (not his real name) tries to court Rebecca Wharton
(not her real name) from afar (not the real distance), she eventually lets
him meet with her in the BDSM room of the swank Ace of Clubs club (not its
real name). To make a long story short, Rebecca and her able assistant
mistreat a miscreant asshole and then our narrator, who is a lawyer and who
thereupon becomes infatuated with the mistress. To make the shortened
story a little longer, the narrator reveals that he has fallen in with
STEWS (Society to Establish Women's Superiority ) (almost certainly not its
real name). Rebecca promises to let him beat her; but she lies and beats
him instead. Whereupon he gets so turned on that.... I really shouldn't
give the ending away. Let's just say that after much yelping and licking,
he establishes rapport with Mistress R, joins the male auxiliary of STEWS,
and advances within the law firm.
At the very end of the story, Rebecca invites our narrator to a dinner,
and the diners cook him over an open fire and eat him while he has the best
orgasm of his life, while they talk him out of his 401K. No - that would
be silly, wouldn't it?
The grammar deteriorates as the story progresses. For example, what
does this mean: "I'm all ears and will have your complete attention."
Sounds to me like she has it bass ackwards. However, the author does spell
"just deserts" correctly, which is something that most heterosexual males
cannot do, except by accident.
Ratings for "Ace of Clubs"
Athena (plot & character): 6
Venus (technical quality): 5
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 4
"Jean Brown" by E.Z. Riter (ezriter@pdq.net).
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=672129985
While Jean is sunbathing, two virile twins who have been dating her two
daughters stop by to ask her advice regarding a matter of importance.
Actually, they have stopped by to seduce her and bring her to sexual
ecstasy. "The sweltering heat of the day was not equal to the heat she
generated as she whimpered and moaned through orgasm after orgasm under the
long and relentless pounding until the walls of her pussy were scalded by
cum." Imagine that.
'Tis an interesting fantasy.
Ratings for "Jean Brown"
Athena (plot & character): 10
Venus (technical quality): 9.5
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9.5
"Are My Roommate and I Lesbians?" by Perthman (perthman@my-deja.com).
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=657456974
The two girls are roommates in college. One night the ceiling leaks,
and so they have to share a single bed. Now, here's where I said to
myself, "If the whole plot of this story is that these two hump each other
because the roof leaked, I'm going to have to consider a low rating for
lack of creativity." Well, you're not going to believe this, but the two
girls reciprocally feel each other up. Years ago, I asked my dad what
"reciprocate" means. He said, "You pat my back, and I'll pat yours." He
was close.
There's a lot of jiggling, fondling of clitorises, stroking, thrusting,
nudity, and even full genital contact. When she wakes up in Dana's arms
the next morning, our narrator at first is disgusted by the thought that
she might be a lesbian, but then she masturbates in the shower to the image
of a mini-gangbang and is relieved to know that she can still get herself
off normally. But alas, when she continues to masturbate, she realizes
that she is coordinating her orgasm to arrive with Dana's, who happens to
be playing her furry fiddle in the next stall. {You guys should know that
we girls often have separate stalls in our showers - even in college dorms.
Na, na, na, na, na, na!} Naturally, our narrator doesn't know what to do
next.
What she does next is this: she goes to a sociology class and fantasizes
about sex with various people in the room. I think this is why she thinks
she might be a lesbian, since heterosexuals of either gender usually
reserve this fantasy for philosophy classes.
There's a lot more to the story - sexual ambivalence seems to be an
important theme. The girls get turned on reading pamphlets together. Like
one of the girls says, "I'm no lesbian, but I've always found nude women
pretty sexy." My husband is no lesbian either, and he says the same thing.
I'm going to have to get that pamphlet for him.
The main problem with this story is that the plot was jerky - in the
negative sense. It was like a disorganized essay on sexual open-mindedness
with some stereotypical sex thrown in to liven things up.
Ratings for "Are My Roommate and I Lesbians?"
Athena (plot & character): 9
Venus (technical quality): 5
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 5
"Pit Pass " by Lyndon Brown (indysheets@hotmail.com).
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=672696089
The narrator gets badly injured while driving his race car. This upsets
his wife, but she still manages to negotiate some good treatment for him
from his boss. Eventually our hero discovers that there have been some
sexual favors involved in the give and take of these benefits.
A problem with this story is that it reads more like a summary than a
short story. That is, events just happen with no tension and without
sufficient build-up. The naive narrator is surprised to find his wife in
bed not only with his boss but also with his wife and their son; and the
son is screwing his mother, not the wife. And yet the wife is ostensibly
in charge of the activity. Exactly how this pecking order got established
goes unexplained, and that's a serious gap in the story line.
But if you like race cars and sex and are willing to forgive a few gaps
in the plot and character development, this may be your cup of beer.
Ratings for "Pit Pass"
Athena (plot & character): 9
Venus (technical quality): 6
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 5
"Thirty-one flavors" by Terri Madison (terri_madison@hotmail.com).
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=547624556
This is a new author, to whom my first advice is this: Try not to have
your narrator publicize her own breast size and the delectability of her
ass within the first five paragraphs of the story. Big bazookas and nice
asscheeks are among the greatest gifts of God to the human race and of
authors to this newsgroup, but they need to be introduced in a more subtle
manner.
Anyway, it's a hot day in the ice cream emporium, and the proprietor
takes her aforementioned tits and ass into the cooler for some rest and
recreation. If this were my story, I would have a horny teenager lick her
ass and have his tongue get stuck thereto; then the firemen would cum to
rescue them.
Instead, she lathers herself with vanilla ice cream and fucks herself
with a popsicle. Well, that would have been my second choice.
The plot of this story is akin to that of an X-rated movie. In other
words, it's a mindless stroke story. But a mindless stroke story with very
good grammar. Imagine that. I think this author has potential. Indeed,
if you're not worried about plot or character development or realism, this
may already be your cup of ice cream.
Ratings for "Thirty-one flavors" Athena (plot & character): 9 Venus
(technical quality): 6 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 6
"Play Time" by Wiseguy (wiseguy35@hotmail.com).
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=672521247
Although it starts out as a description of a romantic interlude, this is
actually a humorous cautionary tale.
When horny but happy hypnotists use their children's toys to engage in
playful but prurient performances to express their lewd and lascivious love
for their ladies, they really should be careful where they leave the toys
when they're not in use. Either that or at least set up the post-hypnotic
suggestions to minimize incestuous accidents.
Ratings for "Play Time"
Athena (plot & character): 10
Venus (technical quality): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8
==================== Guest Reviews: ====================
"Sunday Morning" by Joseph Lawrence. Guest Review by BillyG
(hayden@mindless.com). http://x62.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=611251849.1
The three players in "Sunday Morning" remain unnamed. We know them only
as "the mother" -- a forty-something teacher, "the daughter" -- a
16-year-old girl, seemingly disconnected from her mother's interests, and
the protagonist -- a 21-year-old awkward virgin, a friend of the mother who
is staying over as a house guest.
Were this not a story in a.s.s., we'd quickly have a clue, for the young
man begins his tale masturbating into a condom, alone, early on a Sunday
morning. The author takes some effort to establish that theirs is not an
erotic, much less a sexual relationship, and then immediately and without
explanation, has the daughter enter the boy's room clearly to seduce him.
It sufficiently strains credulity that any erotic tension is never allowed
birth.
I've always found that younger girls seducing older guys, while perhaps
a male fantasy, usually stumbles simply because it's difficult to relate in
a believable manner. This is no exception.
Lawrence describes their sexual coupling with erotic skill. If you can
ignore their falling into bed together, the actual sex was very will done.
Sufficient foreshadowing predicted the mother's discovery of them and as
well, her sham anger. So it was completely without surprise when our boy
ends up in bed with the both of them. He oscillates between naivete and a
very skilled lover a bit too often for credibility.
This is a moderately long story and at some point I just surrendered to
the plot and let it flow around me, giving up my critical views. Lawrence
describes these sexual scenes with sufficient skill that it pulled me in
and I found myself liking the story, despite my earlier reservations.
Ratings for "Sunday Morning"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 8
BillyG (appeal to reviewer): 8
==================== CELESTIAL GRAMMAR: ====================
Here are two words that I found to be misused in stories I read this
week. The words simply do not mean what lots of people think they mean:
LITERALLY
The word LITERALLY does not mean EMPHATICALLY. Nor does it mean
FIGURATIVELY; in fact it means the opposite of figuratively. It means
ACCORDING TO THE EXACT MEANING OF THE WORD(S). Therefore, don't use the
word unless you want people to accept as true exactly what you are saying.
My sister is LITERALLY a whore. {This means she really does receive
monetary compensation for engaging in sexual activities.}
She LITERALLY wore me out with her sexual antics. {This is plausible.
This means the speaker was truly exhausted after the activity.}
He LITERALLY fucked my brains out. {This is improbable, unless gray
matter appeared externally during the fuckation.}
She LITERALLY fucked him to death. {This is possible, but only if
sexual activity led to the gentleman's demise.}
Her breasts were LITERALLY the size of basketballs. {This can be
empirically verified by checking with Spaulding.}
She LITERALLY ate me out. {This might actually be a clever thing to say
if she bedecked his cock with chocolate syrup or other comestibles prior to
oral stimulation.}
That guy is LITERALLY one big motherfucker. {This is true only if he
actually does indulge with his mama. Otherwise, say "certainly."
"Fuck you!" she said. "I hope you mean that LITERALLY," he replied.
HOPEFULLY
HOPEFULLY means WITH HOPE. It does not mean I HOPE or LET'S HOPE. The
following example is correct:
My husband HOPEFULLY suggested that now would be a good time to take ole
one-eye to the optometrist.
The following are INcorrect:
HOPEFULLY she'll be able to work both of us into her schedule tonight.
She'll HOPEFULLY let me punch her ticket after the dance tonight.
==================== Celestial Word Study: ====================
Here are some words that look or sound alike, but which need to be kept
distinct:
DESERT/DESSERT
The DESERT is the dry place where men get so lonely that they fuck their
camels and have mirages of lovely women.
A DESSERT is what you might lick out of your lover's navel.
The verb desert (pronounced the same as the noun DESSERT) refers to the
activity of leaving something or someone behind, as a wife might DESERT her
husband to become a sex slave of his friend with the much larger cock.
The easiest way to remember this distinction is that you always want TWO
helpings of DESSERT {hence the double s}, and the others just have one s.
Unknown to many people, the noun DESERT (pronounced the same as the noun
DESSERT) can also mean what a person deserves, as in, "She received her
just DESERTS."
ANY MORE/ANYMORE
ANY MORE is used after negative words to mean NO MORE. ANYMORE means
NOW or ANY LONGER.
I don't want ANY MORE blowjobs until after breakfast tomorrow morning. I
don't enjoy blowjobs ANYMORE.
BLOND/BLONDE
When BLONDE is used as a noun, females should get the extra e.
When BLOND is an adjective directly modifying a noun that is not a
person, the e is considered to be incorrect. Thus, a BLONDE has BLOND
hair. If the adjective is modifying a female person, then the e is correct.
Thus, a BLONDE psychiatrist or a BLONDE reviewer.
My unabridged dictionary does not comment on whether one can actually
identify a "TRUE BLONDE" by the color of her pussy hair.
<end>
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