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From: Aquillae <Aquillae@excite.com>
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Subject: {ASSM} The Other Side of the Bathroom Mirror (Humor)
Date: Mon, 18 Sep 2000 18:10:10 -0400
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The following script is copyrighted, and may not be re-posted to
this or any other newsgroup, except by the author.
It is also a violation of copyright laws for anyone to post this
script on any web site, be they pay or free sites.
"THE OTHER SIDE OF THE BATHROOM MIRROR"
Written by
Aquillae
FINAL DRAFT
April 16, 2000
Copyrighted 4/16/2000 Aquillae
"THE OTHER SIDE OF THE BATHROOM MIRROR"
FADE IN:
Low lights. Only a desk with a keyboard, a joystick and a
headset are visible. From off camera there is the sound of
COMPUTER whistling a happy tune.
The BRAIN, dressed in black with the word `BRAIN' painted on
the front of his T-shirt, stagers to his feet slowly. He has
been passed out on the floor near the computer for several
hours, and it shows. He walks over to the computer and sits
at the desk. He puts the headset on.
COMPUTER (VO)
(Very chipper)
Hello, Jim! Ready to start
another day?
BRAIN
(Mumbling)
Yeah.
He rubs his head. He begins to type on the keyboard. He
presses the enter button. There is a loud BEEP that causes
him to cringe.
COMPUTER (VO)
I'm sorry Jim but that's not the
correct password.
BRAIN
What do you mean it's not the
correct password? It's the only
password I've ever used.
COMPUTER (VO)
Until last night it was the only
one.
BRAIN
Fine. What's the new password?
COMPUTER (VO)
Jim, you know I can't divulge
that type of information. The
purpose of the Billy-Bob Gates
9000 security system was to
prevent...
BRAIN
Not today. Not now. Just give
me the password.
COMPUTER (VO)
I'm sorry Jim. That I just can't
do.
He slumps down.
COMPUTER (VO)
But I could give you a hint.
BRAIN
Fine. Give me a hint.
COMPUTER (VO)
Please?
BRAIN
You're pushing it.
COMPUTER (VO)
Okay, okay. Here's your hint.
(pause)
Are you ready? Jim?
BRAIN
I'm waiting with baited breath.
COMPUTER (VO)
Okay. They're big, they're
round, and they're bouncy!
BRAIN
I give up. Tell me.
COMPUTER (VO)
Oh, come on party popper! You've
got to try.
BRAIN
Beach balls?
COMPUTER (VO)
Nope. That's not right. Isn't
this fun?! Guess again.
BRAIN
I did guess. Now just tell me
already.
COMPUTER (VO)
Okay. I really shouldn't be
doing this, but seeing the
condition you're in after last
night, I'll give you one more
clue. Ready?! Ready, Jim?!
BRAIN
I'm ready. I'm ready!
COMPUTER (VO)
They come in pairs, but they're
not fruit. At least I don't
think so. No. No, they're not
fruit. Guess?
BRAIN
Breasts.
COMPUTER (VO)
Ah, close. Very close. Want
another clue?
BRAIN
Sure.
COMPUTER (VO)
This is fun! Okay, They're a
famous restaurant.
BRAIN
Hooters.
COMPUTER (VO)
Yes! And it only took you three
clues. Pretty good considering
how plastered you were last
night.
The Brain starts typing in the new password.
BRAIN
So you just let me change the
password.
COMPUTER (VO)
You were threatening to make me
watch all of Jim Carey's movies
if I didn't. And Dumb and Dumber
twice in a row.
BRAIN
I'm sorry.
COMPUTER (VO)
Apology accepted! So what are we
doing today?
BRAIN
I think I should first review the
memory tapes from last night to
see just what exactly I did do.
COMPUTER (VO)
You don't remember?
BRAIN
No.
COMPUTER (VO)
Oh.
BRAIN
Oh, what?
COMPUTER (VO)
Nothing. I didn't say anything.
Nothing!
BRAIN
What?
COMPUTER (VO)
It's not my fault. I tried to
stop him. Honest. But you left
me here all alone when you went
off singing Barry Manaloe tunes.
BRAIN
What happened?!
COMPUTER (VO)
Don't shout at me.
BRAIN
I'm not...I'm not shouting. I just
want to know what happened last
night.
COMPUTER (VO)
He took over after you left.
BRAIN
Who took over?
COMPUTER (VO)
He did.
BRAIN
Who?
COMPUTER (VO)
Him.
BRAIN
Him?
COMPUTER (VO)
Him!!!
BRAIN
Oh, God. What did he get us into
now?
COMPUTER (VO)
I think the correct question
would be who did he get us into
last night. Or is it whom?
BRAIN
Who was it?
COMPUTER (VO)
So who is the correct word here?
BRAIN
Just answer the question.
COMPUTER (VO)
Mary `Cherry'.
Brain slumps down on the keyboard.
COMPUTER (VO)
How do you suppose she got stuck
with a nick-name like that? It
can't be because she was a
virgin. Not after the things she
did to us last night. Do you
want to see the tapes?
BRAIN
No!
COMPUTER (VO)
Some of it's pretty funny. Well,
until the clothes started coming
off. Then of course it went
straight to the bump and grind
stuff. Yuck! By the way, you
might want to give your back a
good rest today.
(pause)
UT OH.
Brain looks up from the keyboard.
BRAIN
What is it now?
COMPUTER (VO)
She's starting it again.
BRAIN
Who's starting what? Mary?
Where the hell are we?
COMPUTER (VO)
In Mary's bedroom, where else
would we be?
BRAIN
Home?
COMPUTER (VO)
Fat chance lover boy! Oh, Boy!!
BRAIN
What?!
COMPUTER (VO)
She's started with that
whispering in the ear again.
BRAIN
What is she saying?
COMPUTER (VO)
I can't repeat that! My parental
chip would blow out.
BRAIN
Tell me!
COMPUTER (VO)
Wow!!! WOWWW!!!!!!
BRAIN
What's going on? Tell me!
COMPUTER (VO)
Ohhhhhh, she's got, ahhhhhhhh,
her hand, oh boy, oh BOY!!!!
COMPUTER II (VO)
Warning. Incoming impulses
exceed recommended safety levels.
Brain is hit by a powerful bolt of energy. He falls out of
the chair and onto the floor. He slowly crawls back up. The
headset is pushed off and his hair is messed. When he breaths
out he releases a puff of smoke. He sits in the chair and
tries to fix himself. He tries typing on the keyboard. There
is a soft TONE.
COMPUTER II (VO)
We're sorry, but all main
functions are no longer
accessible from this terminal.
You will have to wait until the
current program has finished
running before being allowed to
re-establish control.
BRAIN
Program? What program?!
COMPUTER II (VO)
MSReproduction 4.7.
BRAIN
NO!!!!
COMPUTER II (VO)
If there are no further request
to be made this terminal will be
powering down. We hope you enjoy
your day and look forward to
working with you once the current
program has finished running.
Estimated time to completion is
12 minutes. Have a nice day.
A soft TUNE is heard as the computer powers down.
The brain just sits in the darkness.
FADE TO BLACK:
END:
Aquillae
Aquillae@excite.com
Aquillae
"A satisfied virgin is a virgin no more."
Mr. Lucus 'Are You Being Served'
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